A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, "What's wrong?"
She says, "My mom died."
He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine."
Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?"
She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"

Q: How many Northern Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Hella.

I hate it when I scroll down and accidentally press something I didn't mean to and I don't know how to undo it

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00

He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender.

"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.

"Yes," she purrs. "I am."

"Well, wash your frickin' hands," says the man. "I want a cheese sandwich!"

Got a phone yesterday and have my parents texting me for a while and they are getting mad bc I won't respond. HELLO I'm at school

i like you :) when i look in you're profile, I can say, you're very nice :D

Thanks for being my friend. :)

A teacher asks the new student her name. The girl replies, "Happy Butt."

The teacher says, "I don't think that's your name. You need to go to the principal's office and get this straightened out."

The girl goes to the principal's office and he asks, "What's your name?" The little girl says, "Happy Butt."

The principal calls the girl's mother to get the truth. After getting off the phone, he says, "Honey, your name is Gladys, not Happy Butt."

The girl exclaims, "Glad Ass -- Happy Butt -- what's the difference?"

Three criminals are sentenced to exile in the desert and can only bring one personal item.

"I brought a loaf of bread, so when I get hungry, I'll have something to eat," said the first criminal.

"I brought a water skin, so that when I get thirsty, I'll have something to drink," said the second.

The third criminal looks proud of himself. "I brought a car door, so when it gets hot, I can roll down the window."

Hi, thanks for the friend request!