But that was incredibly well written and organized. I liked the in-depth descriptions, but I'm also all about great description as a reader. I enjoyed the story and your characters, it is hard not to repeat everyone else. Talented, yes! Impressive, yes! Well-written, yes and I already said that. Entertaining, of course!

Brilliant screenplay!
Voted!

Good luck. xxx

You have done a wonderful job with your screenplay. Yes, you are a talented writer.Serena

:)
Thanks! I do tend to want to describe, lol. It was tough making the abrupt transition from book/story mode to an unfamiliar method of writing, but I understand what you said. Again, thanks so much for the read and comments. I have one more shot at digesting and implementing revisions. Sigh...my brain is fried, lol.

FADE OUT
:)

The music too, a perfect match each time.

But you must try and remain consistent when writing a screenplay, the present tense for a start and one thing you must concentrate on is brevity.

You tend to overdescribe your scenes. This is not a book, the less written the better.
There are no thoughts, feelings and no ponderings, just action and words.

And it needs polishing, as you tell, tell, and tell and hardly show.
Showing is predominant in screenplay writing, telling does not excite the imagination. Showing something will help you to "paint" your vision.

Describe a dispassionate look, describe a handsome man, describe fear, anger, joy, jealousy.

(Her hands shook as she removed another cigarette from the pack, only to return it after finding she already had one between her lips.)
Was she nervous?

And the oscar goes to Fel...

your piece on the screen.

The storyline and characters are great and the use of art and chosen music carries a message of the power of the fine arts into a tough real life situation. It can be read at many levels.
I cannot speak to screenwriting format, but I can to the chosen music that spins Rollo Heinz visions of art and the storyline into a seamless whole. The dialogue references to Jackson Pollock(abstract-expressionism) and Toulouse Lautrec(post-impression) provide a vision for the art work of the prisoners and at same time strengthens the dialogue. Also , the humor in a rough and serious situation, I especially liked.
Use of Kahachatueious, Rochmaninov, and in particular, the last scene, the use of Handel in conjunction with the Sistine Chapel, Adam and the creation punctuates the storyline, its pace and its ending message. Though this last scene and use of this music and art maybe considered by some as cliché, it will be widely recognize with a large audience.
The story is not just a story; it is a cohesive art piece. Understanding of the fine arts demonstrated by the author will clearly set this piece apart from many. It appears, that in conjunction with a music and art director the outline provides meat enough to move the piece to reality. I can even hear and see parts of it as I read it. Bravo! Take a bow, Patrick.

Laughing joyfully! I keep playing The Hallelujah Chorus over and over, and looking at that MARVELOUS painting of Beautiful Myron and Rollo:)
Thank you ALL!!!

Love the new ending...it is inspired! Way to go, Patrick! You are now officially a screenwriter. Who knew? xxx

Gosh, I'm so impressed that you have achieved this great piece of work. I wrote my two scripts a while ago, so I have been without the pressure you have been under for the past few weeks.

Hats off to you. You've taken to script writing like a duck to water. The visuals are very well detailed and the dialogue was pacy, sharp and believable.

This isn't a chick's kinda thing, but i believe you'd have a big male audience if it was produced. Saying that, I love movies set in jails and i think you've got a lot of humour in there to attract a few females (like moi) also.

I have to remark on the technical stuff because script writing is all about that in the real world. The guys out there beyond this competition won't touch a script if its not formatted correctly. I personally think it doesn't have to be perfect, and that errors can be glossed over with great storyline, character and dialogue.

Your biggest imperfection in terms of format, is when you get all excited and you break out of present tense. I smiled when i saw you do it, because I do the same on occasions.

Put it into your mind that 'ings' are bad. Drop them and you've got your present tense.

For example, Page. 23 (Marsten's dialogue. In one paragraph you wrote, smiling, shifting, ducking and frowning. Should be smiles, shifts, ducks and frowns. Every time!

Page 44. nodding, sitting, laying, shouting. Should be nods, sits, lies, shouts.

Got to mention about the length. i am slightly worried it's too long, but I think you can trim it back in your narratives. For example if you look at the fight on p.72. It's very dramatic, but I think as a first draft script, you would be better to tone it down and just say a fight breaks out. It'll move the script along faster, IMHO.

Maybe trim down the narrative a bit for the contest, but keep your original draft.

Another thing in terms of technicality. Page 62 (I think) the 'three days later' thing. I think that should be on the slug line, so that it's clear.

So overall, I thought the story was excellent and very well executed. Congratulations for getting the job done and good luck with the contest.
Wendyxx

P.S if you want me to take out the editing parts of this review to make it shorter, just holler. No probs.

Wow... speechless as always with your talent. You are truly amazing at every project you take. This was very entertaining, it had a bit of everything mixed into a perfect screenplay. Your time was truly well spent as well as mine for reading it. It is a must read!