Dancing On Glass

  

It's silent and quiet, nothing but machines making noise.

 

Pens are laying around as my eyes search them.

 

 

I was getting out today, I wouldn't be here anymore. In this dreadful place.

 

 

I look back down to my teddy bear. It's fur brushed against my forearm.

 

 

My head raises to look at the lights shine down bright on me as I continue to pet my bear.

 

I remember hearing Aunt Carol's happy laugh when she handed me the bear.

 

 

Besides the struggle of not moving for 2 months straight, I still felt human.

 

 

My eyes dart down to my sheets that I probably won't see again.

 

The hospital sheets weren't that comfortable anyways, but it was warmer than home.

 

 

My glasses begin to slip off my nose, I push it back to place. Then my hands carelessy touch the bear again.

 

 

My nurse comes in and my head lifts up when she does.

 

''Hey, you ready to get out?'' she says.

 

 

I gaze to her smiling face, as her red hair looms over it. She wore pink and black matching scrubs today.

 

It seemed to suit her.

 

''Yeah.'' I reply.

 

 

I get up as she leaves the room, I head into the bathroom feeling the fabric of my socks glide against the hospital floors.

 

It was quite shiny and clean in my room every week.

 

At least that's what Nurse Nenny said while I was asleep.

 

 

She's the one who took care me of the whole time I was here.

 

 

Through my rough days of recovery, she was here watching over me. And now I get to leave back home.

 

And just the thought of home made me shiver.

 

 

I lived with my mom and dad, but that was years ago.

 

Mom and Dad have corporate jobs which makes they travel a lot.

 

I stayed home by myself.

 

 

At first when I told my teachers, they suspected I was being left home alone.

 

But then I told them my parents would come back just in time for important events.

 

 

Like holidays and when school starts back up.

 

They'd even visit when I have appointments.

 

 

But since the 7th grade, things kind of changed. They didn't come back much.

 

They left messages instead of emails.

 

 

I didn't mind much.

 

 

They gave me a credit card before they officially left for a long time. They thought I might need things and i'd managed to get it done with money.

 

 

It scared me a bit. Their only child, left home alone with a credit card.

 

But I could tell that they cared.

 

 

Instead of keeping the credit card to myself, I gave it to Aunt Carol to hold for me.

 

And when I needed something, she'd go to the bank and take out money for me.

 

 

She checked in every few weeks since she lived far but also close from us.

 

 

It was just me, alone most of the time.

 

I didn't make any new friends or talked to anyone.

 

 

Except for Ashely.

 

And also this one boy.

 

  

We used to be so close, me and Ashely. But then something happened.

 

 

I was stuck in my own world of middle school. Home alone dressed up in mom's clothes.

 

I spent most of my days blasting music and dancing on the kitchen table.

 

 

I didn't get in trouble, mostly cause i'd hide it well when Aunt Carol asked what happened in her usual 3 week visit each month.

 

And usually she'd never notice I lied.

 

 

I guess you could say my life was easy peasy.

 

Then things got crazy for a while.

 

 

I made decisions that went haywire.

 

I messed up a big portion of my life and now it can never go back to normal.

 

 

I rustle my fingers through my hair. The short ends was abnormal to picture on myself.

 

It was going take some getting used to it for my new hair style.

 

 

The doctors had to cut it for some reason. I didn't know.

 

Nurse Nenny said she told me one day while I was in ICU.

 

 

I don't remember hearing her say that, but she did reflect on me whispering something back that day.

 

Probably in response.

 

 

I think that was our way of connecting while I was in a coma.

 

 

Giving up on trying to make my new hair cut look more appealing, I glared into the dim dark restroom mirror again.

 

I looked so weird and out of place. Unrecognizable.

 

This looked nothing like me.

 

 

It was the kind of style the anyone my age had while I was in elementary school.

 

 

Soft fringe, slight overriding bangs that blow over you eyebrows. And short back hair.

 

However I had parted bangs. One part to the right, and the other flattened down to the rest of the hair.

 

But it made me look nostalgic like.

 

 

It suited me, but at the same time it didn't.

 

 

I took a deep breath, reflecting on my leave out of this hosptial.

 

And as I exited the restroom, I look out to my right as I watch the sky rise with light. A light blue.

 

The sun was coming up.

 

 

Aunt Carol would be here to pick me up.

 

 

I grab my teddy bear and grabbed my backpack too.

 

It was one of the last things I had before I was hauled in here.

 

 

And my outfit, the same as when I was rushed in 2 months ago. I was kind of embarassed to go out looking like this.

 

 

I begged Nurse Nenny to take my money and buy me something new.

 

 

But she refused, and managed to get me a new jean jacket and some other things from the hospital's lost and found.

 

 

Instead, she used the money and bought pizza for the both of us after I was awake from the coma for a few days.

 

That was one of the good things I remember before realizing, U was getting out soon.

 

 

I'm just happy that i'm not going back to school from a place I almost could of died in.

 

 

But I didn't let that happen and so did Nurse Nenny.

 

She said I was lucky to get into surgery right away when the accident happened.

 

 

The damage was done and I had survived the most.

 

But recovery was entirely up to me.

 

 

And I pulled through it, just like the others.

 

 

My yellow shoes trail with me as I walk into the busy hallway of people near the ICU.

 

I walk over to where Nurse Nenny stood talking with nurses.

 

 

I smiled as I passed by, she trots along nearing the elevator.

 

6 floors up in the hospital, and all alone.

 

 

I was almost grown up for once.

 

I felt responsible and put together for once.

 

 

 

''I can't believe it's already time, it's so sad to see you go.'' Nurse Nenny says.

 

She grins as I look back to her, reaching over  to press the button for the elevator.

 

 

Nurse Nenny waits as I stand still. Finally the doors open.

 

 

I walk in, adjusting my backpack straps.

 

Then turning around to face everyone and Nurse Nenny.

 

 

Some doctors and nurses noticed, and some went on their way back to work.

 

The ones I recognized that helped me most of my stay here, waved, then went back to work like usual.

 

 

Nurse Nenny says everyone was hoping and wishing that i'd get better soon.

 

I didn't know Nurse Nenny for long, but it already felt like she was one of my best friends.

 

 

I mean, she took time out of her day and busy schedule to visit and take care of me.

 

She went out of her way to make me feel comfortable while I fell into a deep sleep.

 

 

I guess you can say she's a friend,...just someone looking out for someone.

 

 

''Bye.'' she says.

 

She does a wave as I smile back a little.

 

 

And to think it was just 2 full months in this hospital. I spent most of my beginning of this year in recovery.

 

 

I just hope everyone notices when I come back today.

 

 

I kind of felt like a superhero in those lasting moments going down in the elevator. 

 

I practically survived a coma in as little as 2 months, that's a record the doctors were probably betting on me.

 

 

Nurse Nenny just had to get in on it.

 

 

She won mostly because she spent the most time with me and I had a hunch she'd win when I was in deep sleep.

 

Most of the time I could hear her.

 

 

And most of the time I saw nothing but a pitch black screen of my eyelids.

 

 

And yet in my mind, I still felt alone. Even with Nurse Nenny keeping me company.

 

No one was really there for me.

 

 

Well, except Aunt Carol. She just signed the papers and made sure that I was taken care of.

 

Even in this happy moment of being dismissed, I still felt a little sad.

 

 

My small alternate life built up in this hospital was crashing down. I would no longer be here, surrounded by noise and emergencies and help.

 

 

It was bye bye birdy to the suite life and welcome back to temporary hell.

 

 

As I walk in my thoughts, I exit the building to see Aunt Carol outside in the rising sun.

 

She's waiting for me in the car, just like how I imagined earlier.

 

 

I bite my tongue and make the long but slow walk over. Taking deep breaths, focusing on each step to calm my mind.

 

 

I open the passenger door and sit down. Closing it behind me afterwards.

 

 

There's nothing but silence in the car until Aunt Carol notices.

 

Her eyes widen as she looks to me. It was a like she had seen a dead person come back to life.

 

 

I've gotten tons of looks like that while I passed by patients in the waiting room.

 

It made me feel surperior and strong.

 

 

I defintely looked new-ish.

 

 

Aunt Carol doesn't shy away from her stare, I however look up to her with no response.

 

The sun grazing over my skin makes my hairs stand up, as the sun structures it's way into the dark spots on my face.

 

 

She finally breaks out of the trance as I sat in silence looking forward then back to her.

 

 

''I'm so sorry for staring honey, it's just...so surreal that you're out.'' she says.

 

She forces a laugh but it comes out in a sigh.

 

 

Then Aunt Carol grabs something from the backseat as I watched her nervously move in front of me.

 

''Here's your lunch. I packed it before driving down here. Just the way you like it.'' she says with a grin.

 

 

She hands me the tin metal lunch box i've had since elementary school.

 

I never grew out of it.

 

 

The cover and design used to be spider-man but I colored it over just before school started.

 

But during elementary school, I just went with the flow of it. I didn't care what it looked like.

 

 

Some of the girls back then would give me looks. But Ashley.

 

Ashley apprieciated I finally had something to carry my lunch it. She didn't mind of course.

 

 

She always didn't mind.

 

 

My hands linger around the dark blue-green paint coat on the lunch box. The handle switches around my fingers as I place it on my lap.

 

 

My teddy bear sits on top of it.

 

I felt Aunt Carol continue to stare at me as I continued to look down.

 

 

It probably felt strange to have someone who could have died, back in your hands again.

 

So I kind of get why she's constantly staring at me. Trying to find my lifeless soul again.

 

 

Rebuilding what we had before, even though I know it's not going to come back that easy.

 

Especially since everyone is staring at me so often.

 

 

I hated being looked down on or even looked at.

 

It felt weird and out of place. Like I was fish out of water.

 

 

More like a fish in a bowl when people would stare.

 

 

Mom said I must of been an alien from another planet. Because from where she used to live, being looked at made you slightly famous at the grocery store.

 

 

Having an attraction to be looked at came in handy for events, especially the fair.

 

People would pay big money to see you play games and watch you shine.

 

 

But I didn't appreciate much of that. I hated my looks, but I accepted it.

 

It was what i'm going to have for the rest of my life and I can't change that.

 

 

But i've thought of plasic surgery for when i'm older. Then i'd think of Mrs. Potato Head.

 

 

She was one of my old dolls from when I was younger. I did tons of experiments on her.

 

She was practically porcelain and imperfectly perfect when I was done with her.

 

 

I kept her on my vanity for as long as I could until mom told me to get rid of her.

 

I didn't mind her imperfect appearance, it made her beautiful.

 

 

That's how I grew up to love myself.

 

 

But even in the midst of the town, I didn't like being looked at like a doll or even stared out.

 

It made me think of the sad days of Mrs. Potato Head when I threw her away.

 

 

Mom said she'd buy me a new doll. One better than her.

 

But I shook my head and didn't say another word since about oh dear Mrs. Potato Head.

 

 

From then on, mom never agreed to buy me new dolls and I compromised with that.

 

Now she's barely even here, it's mostly me and Aunt Carol.

 

 

The change of ignition draws me from my thoughts as Aunt Carol drives out from the hosptial entrance.

 

She was probably tired of the silence between us or the fact I never responded. 

 

Either way, she enters onto the main road going up.

 

 

I watch the trees pass by as my head settles on the smooth cold window.

 

I hugged onto my teddy bear.

 

 

It was nice of her to think of me and bought something while I was in deep sleep.

 

Nurse Nenny told me not the say coma most of the time.

 

 

It made me and herself, feel a little depressed about being in the ICU.

 

So we came up with deep sleep.

 

 

 

The ride to school was soothing. Aunt Carol didn't say much but I however tried to start conversation.

 

Most of the time I did, it came out in a sigh.

 

 

I was still tired of sitting on my butt in the hospital the whole night.

 

Trying to get some sleep before I could go home.

 

 

But breakfast was still good. Despite the jello and diet sierra mist I got from the hosptial cafeteria.

 

Nurse Nenny offered me her panini this morning and I took it.

 

 

It consisted mostly of something I knew didn't taste right, but it was better than jello for breakfast.

 

And that's what I liked about Nurse Nenny. She was nice and sweet.

 

She went out of her way to make me a little bit happier. 

 

 

And that fact made me happy as I watch the road bend as the car moves.

 

 

Nurse Nenny was there while I was hauled into the hospital for the first time.

 

She helped me calm down my nerves when I was told, I was going into surgery.

 

I squeezed her hand as she held onto me.

 

 

It was one of the most memorable moments. It made me wish that mom was there, squeezing my hand.

 

She promised when i'd go to the hospital one day for something, she'd be there.

 

Waiting and holding my hand.

 

 

But she wasn't. And Aunt Carol wasn't there either.

 

She was too busy to come and see me.

 

 

Then my eyes shift to Aunt Carol, quietly driving, eyes on the road.

 

She must think i'm acting weird or that i'm traumatized after that event.

 

 

But i'm alright for now.

 

However, Aunt Carol keeps her eyes fixed on the road as I looked back to the window.

 

The car comes to a slow stop.

 

 

I could tell we were at school when I looked at the famaliar ground.

 

The street and parking lot looked the same. It was as if nothing changed.

 

 

Aunt Carol smiles as she turns to me.

 

''Have a great day honey.'' she says.

 

 

I get out without a smile in return. It seemed too quick in the moment to smile back.

 

I had just gotten out of the hospital just mintues ago, it isn't always a moment in which patients smile.

 

 

I heard it from one of the kids in the same ICU as me, who left the hospital for a couple months, then came back.

 

They said that his experience out of the hospital, in his words... was weird and constant.

 

 

I thought it was crazy talk/ I thought it would have been normal just like any other day of your life.

 

 

But I was wrong, now I know why he said that.

 

It did feel werid.

 

 

Out of this world, like I was an alien.

 

 

Mom and Dad weren't here at all, they probably didn't get the news yet.

 

But Nurse Nenny told me not to think about it.

 

 

So that made it more unusual for my return. It was just me against the world.

 

Just like before, and even more now.

 

 

Finally, I close the car door behind me after thinking.

 

I stutter in my step as I look back and open the door again.

 

I grab my teddy bear I had almost forgotten.

 

 

 

I put the bear to my nose to smell the hairs again. It flared with smokey and soft scents.

 

Like hospital cotton balls and the hand sanitizer that made my nose sting.

 

 

I figured Aunt Carol got it from the gift shop in the hospital.

 

I recognized the bear i'd seen up in display when I roamed the floors in the hospital at night.

 

 

No one knew except for Nurse Nenny, who kept an eye out for me when it was past my bed time and I should have wondered my way back to the ICU.

 

 

I curl my arms around the bear as I loop my way from Aunt Carol's car. I pace on the sidewalk leading to the front doors of school.

 

Several students pass by just up ahead, nearing the doors.

 

 

I pull my teddy bear back then down to my waist with my left hand and my lunch box in my right hand.

 

 

I take a deep breath one more time before I head towards the concrete steps, going up as fast as I can.

 

Usually i'm slow just like everybody else. But since my time has changed over the course of 2 months, I wanted to try it differently.

 

 

And it seemed harder to breath when I went up fast.

 

Nurse Nenny told me that would happen. Completely normal in response.

 

  

As I catch my breath, I close my eyes and adjust my glasses.

 

 

I pushed against the doors heading inside. The main office to my right bustles busy as usual.

 

No one else was near the entrance, it was just me.

 

 

After several steps or so, from what I remember. My eyes set on the open school.

 

The splatter paint floors and the primrose, dark yellow stairs come into sight.

 

 

The air smelled like erasers and mopped floors.

 

Yep, that's Bree Woods Middle School for you.

 

 

For a second, I slowly make the pace darting for the stairs just ahead of me.

 

I step up and walk my usual way.

 

And even in that moment, there's no sign of gasping or looks yet.

 

 

Everything seemed normal. It was like another day in school for me.

 

 

I was expecting everyone to stop and bow down in my presence.

 

I thought it would be more attentive for everyone to realize how long gone I was.

 

 

Like, usually, i'd have an apple in my hand to eat for breakfast and one in my lunch box for later.

 

Next, i'd pass by some kids to get upstairs before those rush minutes to class.

 

 

Then i'd struggle with my locker and refuse to try again, go to class with all my things and that'd be my day.

 

 

But today....it was awfully weird.

 

 

It didn't feel the same way as before.

 

The feeling of sorrow and pity in people's eyes didn't show at all.

 

 

It was as if life went on without me and it didn't care.

 

 

I walk my way down the small enveloped hall and managed to get past some people. I looked to my locker once again.

 

The bad, old, rusty locker of mine.

 

 

The locker of bubble gum, smelly roasted coffee beans and old wrinkly paper I never used.

 

It was the locker of all lockers anyone would ever want, and I got it.

 

 

I heard rumors back then, that it was haunted or something. People said, whoever got the locker would somehow end up in the hospital or even worse.

 

Away from school, for a long time.

 

 

I didn't believe it before, but now it seems kinda real.

 

I was away from school for a long time. 

 

 

I ended up in the hospital for a particular reason.

 

 

But it didn't scare me as much, and the thought came back as students hurry and rush on their way.

 

My hands gently lay on the lock with the same struggle, but more smoothly this time.

 

 

1> 33

 

2> 41

 

3> 26

 

 

I closed my eyes as it opened with ease. I was surprised after all this time.

 

 

Maybe it was because of the patience I finally took or maybe because I was in deep sleep.

 

Or maybe it was because something new about me sprung out of nowhere.

 

 

And with that happy thought, and a small smile on my face, I take my teddy bear and place it inside my locker.

 

The cool dark and damp locker of mine with no light.

 

 

I blew the teddy bear a kiss before placing my lunch box beside it. Then place the lock back on the door to close it.

 

Reaching to my backpack slipping off my shoulders, I re-adjust the straps as I turn from my locker.

 

 

 

The bell rang as I quickly rush in thought about my schedule.

 

 

I walk down the hall, thinking that it's still weird how no one had noticed I got a haircut.

 

Or even cared to think that I was back in school.

 

 

I guess the people here just casually live their life's, nothing else to think about.

 

It's kinda like that in Bree Woods Middle School.

 

 

And before things changed for me.

 

Paperwhite

  

''So, can someone give me an answer on what people did back then during the time of salem witch trails?'' Mr. Elliot says.

 

Most of the students just remain quiet.

 

 

I propped my hand up under my chin. I wanted to answer just like how I always did.

 

But this time i'd like to see the reaction.

 

 

''Really, no one?'' Mr. Elliot said.

 

He sighes and turns around to the chalkboard ahead.

 

 

I raise my hand up from the sudden silence.

 

Mr. Elliot writes something and then calls onto the class.

 

''Yes?'' he says.

 

 

He turns around, and notices I had my hand raised.

 

Mr. Elliot is surprised at first, then he brushes the feeling off.

 

 

''I didn't know you were in class today.'' he says, looking down to his papers.

 

The answer was directed to me. I could tell the way he said it, low and disappointed like always.

 

Don't get me wrong. U still really like Mr. Elliot.

 

 

''The answer to your question, people used to think witches were in practice and thought they needed to be locked away fror their magic on people. The church was wrong but didn't realize until later when the witches fled south.'' I answered.

 

 

And just as I finish my answer, she walks in.

 

It was Ashley. She seemed calmed and bothered at the same time.

 

 

Ashley was that girl in middle school. Every minute she'd turn to someone, it was instantly friendship.

 

She talked with everybody and still managed to get good grades.

 

 

I had envied her for a while now until....well, I met someone else.

 

It made me smile for a bit. I had been jealous of my friend this past year.

 

 

She walks past the students to her seat, in the row next to me. Just 2 seats back from where I sat.

 

It was odd and crazy in my head to see her again.

 

 

Her pretty face grew with highlight and she started using more mascara than before.

 

And the blue hair struck me.

 

She looked like a mystical mermaid.

 

 

Ashley dyed her hair all sorts of colors and it was one of the things I liked about her.

 

Even in 5th grade, she'd choose crazy colors and dye the tips of her split ends.

 

 

She used koolaid instead of real hair dye, up until her mom said that it was okay. It reminded me of how much we'd become close.

 

Then after her crazy koolaid phase, she switched back to brown just in time before 6th grade.

 

 

But then, as suspected with other friendships of the past or future.

 

We grew apart.

 

 

She became, little miss popular when we stopped hanging out.

 

Ashley even dressed differently.

 

 

While I became, little miss not so popular without a friend.

 

 

I saw her mostly at the mall buying expensive clothes and makeup to show off to her friends.

 

Something we used to do.

 

 

But instead of buying makeup for fun, it was more important than just playing around with it.

 

 

I'd question myself why she would do that, it wasn't for her at all.

 

Although her group of friends question why she dyes her hair diferent colors every month, Ashley just says it's the new trend to come in the future.

 

 

They all ignore that excuse every time and never talk about why she dyes it.

 

But I know the real reason why she does.

 

 

She wished she was a different kid, an alien like me.

 

She dreamed of belonging to something else other than her mother.

 

 

It was our secret.

 

And now that she chose a new hair color, it got even more real after we both started 6th grade.

 

Our friendship was broken before December.

 

 

Back then, she would smile to me in the hallways.

 

 

But then as the worst 3 years of our lives passed, it grew more eery and quiet between us.

 

Nothing happened anymore. No connection or even stopping to see each other.

 

 

She grew up and I kind of didn't.

 

 

My thoughts are interuppted as the class remains quiet and a couple of a kid's yawns ring through the air.

 

 

By the time I look up and realized how long I had been thinking, Ashley had already taken her seat looking forward to Mr. Elliot.

 

And I silently look back at her.

 

 

Ashley doesn't break eye contact with Mr. Elliot.

 

 

Reluctantly, I turn back to him, who was awfully quiet for a long time.

 

He checks something on his desk then looks up to me again.

 

 

''Nice job.'' Mr. Elliot says to me.

 

''As always.'' Ashley says.

 

''Welcome back Carter.'' says a boy, sharpening his pencil.

 

 

He rolls his fingers on the handle of the wall sharper. It grills into the air.

 

I smiled a little, even for being long gone everyone still remembered and knew me so well.

 

 

Mr. Elliot knew that I would answer the question if no one did.

 

Ashley knew she would eventually say something out loud referring to me.

 

And the kid who always comes to class with an unsharpened pencil, would respond saying my last name.

 

 

It's crazy how well the school could remember or welcome back a student who almost died.

 

A kid who went through a coma.

 

 

I slump down in my desk as Mr. Elliot continues to teach class.

 

We all sat silent for a long period.

 

 

And my day pretty much went like that. Class to, class and more classes.

 

I went through Social Studies, Science and....finally I landed in Math.

 

After it, i'd have Art, which I loved.

 

 

But back to Math, it was one of the worst classes i've ever taken in my life.

 

I hated it so much.

 

I sucked and never grew out of getting better.

 

 

 

My teachers worried if i'd improve, but I never really did.

 

They just found a way to pass me for the year.

 

Then the school would inform mom about my failing grade and of course, i'd get after school help.

 

 

And when U couldn't figure out the problem i'd burst into tears, it felt so hard to do.

 

Even though it was so simple.

 

 

But luckily I had help from the past week.

 

Nurse Nenny taught me about patient results added from numbers, during my days awake in the hospital.

 

 

She helped me muiltiply and come up with answers for other patients who need their numbers added.

 

I'd get a few wrong but she'd correct me.

 

 

And with that feeling I was hoping i'd feel better.

 

But nothing worked.

 

 

The bell rings as I enter in with students. Mrs. Grande turns to face us as we all take our seats.

 

I dart my eyes looking around the room.

 

 

It looked more open and lively than before or maybe it's because I disappeared for 2 months and forgot everything.

 

 

''Okay class get out your pencils, we're taking a practice test. It won't be graded but it will still have points for effort. Be sure to write your name at the top of the page and the period.'' she says.

 

 

She casually passes out single sheets for everyone. I scan the room then break from it to find my pencil.

 

I picked up the dirty but old good working pencil I had since before the accident in my backpack.

 

 

It sharpened really well but it was a really bad quality to use.

 

 

Mrs. Grande finally comes around to my row of tables, as I wait silently.

 

She looks down a little surprised as if I had been in the room today. I turn away from the slightly embarassing second.

 

 

It bothered me when i'd see people stare out of the corner of my eye or even when I suspect someone's staring.

  

I look forward as she places the paper in front of me.

 

 

''Begin now, then turn it in to me when your done. 15 minutes and counting.'' she replies, walking to her desk.

 

 

The time starts ticking as I look down to my paper.

 

The problems seemed easy. Of course to everyone else.

 

 

I had spent 2 months of my life in deep sleep.

 

I didn't know anything.

 

 

The numbers and signs danced around in my head as I tried to focus.

 

My pencil finally lands on the sheet as I try to answer.

 

 

I felt my brain start to flood with different answers.

 

It didn't seem right.

 

 

And for 15 minutes, it went by so fast.

 

My hands slam down on the desk gently as I tried to think of something.

 

 

It was frustrating, everyone would get their points and I wouldn't.

 

 

It gave me a slight scary feeling as I answered a couple problems. It didn't seem good enough at all, and it was simple multiplication.

 

 

Nothing too hard to read.

 

 

''Time's up.'' Mrs. Grande says.

 

My head raises up at her voice.

 

 

''Time's up already?'' I whispered.

 

 

Students get up with small smiles on their faces, as if they all rubbed it in.

 

I sucked at math and they didn't.

 

 

I tried to hide the embarassed feeling into my jean jacket sleeve. But I knew I had to eventually get up and turn it in.

 

I slowly rise out of my seat, as my pencil rolls down on my desk.

 

 

I turn to the door just seconds away on my left. I thought of just making a run for it.

 

To get out, be free.

 

But I can't just leave and not come back.

 

 

I had to face my fears, headstrong.

 

 

I swallow the pity feeling and grip at the paper.

 

My nails left marks and dents into the paper. I thought I was screwed for sure.

 

 

I near Mrs. Grande's desk as she sorts other student's papers.

 

I was nervous just thinking of what to say.

 

Hey, I failed to answer most of the questions. But i'm back!

 

 

That didn't seem right.

 

Finally i'm close enough to her desk as she looks up. My glasses hit the frame as she looks into my eyes.

 

''Here.'' I said silently.

 

 

She takes the paper as if I knew there was no problem. That made me feel a little better.

 

But as I turn back to my desk with no other answer, she calls on me.

 

 

''Hey, Alex.'' Mrs. Grande says.

 

 

I turn to her without a thought, there was no time to overthink.

 

 

''I'd like to talk about your answers.'' she says loud enough.

 

Some of the boys and girls in the class turn their heads at her voice and some just socialize in their time, not even noticing.

 

I turn back completely to her as I make the nervous walk back over to her desk again.

 

 

''Yes?'' I reply softly.

 

Her eyes dart up from the paper full of my answers, I played with my fingers as I wait for her to say something.

 

 

''You seem to have about 4 answers out of 20, and all of them are wrong.'' she says.

 

 

I sighed for a second as I tried to answer, but nothing came out of my mouth.

 

 

Mrs. Grande finally places the paper down and leans on her desk to reach my eye level.

 

Her glasses brim into mine as we both stare for a second.

 

 

''Is everything fine at home, are you getting enough practice on math?'' she asks.

 

''Yes.'' I quickly answered.

 

 

She leans back up with no intention of asking another question.

 

There was no way i'm saying I don't do anything, I was in the hospital for 2 months.

 

 

Does she think everything's fine? She doesn't know my life at home.

 

 

She barely even notices me in class, even when my hand is raised for 2 minutes straight.

 

And when she's concerned about why I can't get a good grade, mom comes into the picture.

 

 

But this time, she's not here and there's nothing I can do about it.

 

 

''Well, I suggest staying after school for help. I'll be here this afternoon, we can get things done in time.'' she says.

 

 

I nod my head with no answer from my mouth. Then she speaks again before I can exit.

 

 

''Are you sure you're fine? Cause I haven't seen you around school for a long time. In fact, I haven't seen your mom at any of our past parent-teacher conferences.'' she asks

 

 

My eyes widen a little, my mouth opens for a second.

 

''She's just a very busy person, but I can gurantee you i'm fine.'' I replied.

 

 

My hands wrap behind me as I tried to smile for Mrs. Grande.

 

But O can tell she was catching on.

 

I couldn't lie for long, and eventually the spell would be broken.

 

 

''Tell me the truth, Alex.'' she says slowly.

 

 

She leans her left arm onto the desk, listening. I look down pushing my glasses into place.

 

And finally when I had the courage, I look up again trying to say something.

 

 

What was I suppose to say, tell her i'm failing math and not doing my work because I almost died.

 

I couldn't tell her that. It was none of her business.

 

 

But I did need someone to listen to me, or even ask why I was gone.

 

 

None of my teachers even pondered on the thought why was I gone for so long.

 

And no one questioned my haircut.

 

 

It seemed as if fate finally fell into place, and I couldn't escape that chance.

 

I needed to tell someone.

 

 

I take a deep breath trying to find my words.

 

 

''I was in the hospital, getting recovered.'' I finally replied.

 

 

Mrs. Grande's face and body stood frozen for a second.

 

As I suspected, a certain response to my answer.

 

 

Freaking out, or worse.

 

An apology.

 

 

Mrs. Grande whips her glasses right off her face. Resting her left palm onto her forehead.

 

''Alex,...i'm so-..sorry.'' she says.

 

 

I sighed before answering, the nerves had calmed down from before.

 

I felt confident just saying anything now.

 

 

Mrs. Grande places her glasses back on, getting a clear look at me.

 

Resting her hands under her chin.

 

 

''It's okay, things just happen.'' I reply.

 

''For 2 months?'' she replies.

 

 

My small confidence had dropped. I didn't expect such a response like that.

 

She didn't believe me after that brief moment.

 

 

And just like that, the people of Bree Woods Middle School had lived long and proud.

 

And they left me behind.

 

 

''I was in the ICU, in recovery. From the accident.'' I reminded her.

 

Mrs. Grande finally breaks from her small trance and stares down at my paper.

 

There's no response for a second.

 

 

''Just sit down, i'll handle this.'' she finally responds.

 

 

I turn on my heel making my way back to my desk.

 

I felt a little mad she didn't believe me.

 

 

The people here were horrible at hearing news.

 

 

I expected her to just ignore my answers on the test and just give me a good grade.

 

I was expecting she'd say sorry and let me sleep in class if I needed to.

 

 

But, it went back to normal.

 

 

And as I struggle to keep my footing, I sat in my chair.

 

 

Whispers go around in the room as everyone else talks.

 

I'm left in the dead quiet with my arms placed on the cold desk of where I sat in the classroom.

 

 

My eyes shift over to 2 boys sitting next to me, they whisper something I couldn't hear.

 

I look forward to make sure they couldn't see I was eavesdropping.

 

 

''Hey..'' says one of the boys.

 

 

He was sitting at the desk next to me on my right.

 

My head slowly turns to him.

 

  

He's quiet for a second.

 

 

I had recognize him from before. He used to pick on me 2 years ago, about how I wore the same shoes to school everyday.

 

Even on picture day.

 

 

But something overall changed about him.

 

His sense of morals was better and he no longer wore sweaters.

 

His hair was more of a dirty blonde from when I last saw him.

 

 

And he was different all right.

 

 

''Were you gone, most of the time? From class and school?'' he asks.

 

 

I reply turning my body halfway to him.

 

I'm looking at his red shirt and sealed lips before I can answer.

 

''Yeah.'' I reply.

 

 

He turns back to his friend or whoever was to his right.

 

There's a hesitation in the air, letting in other classmates conversation as he tries to talk to me again.

 

 

''Where did you go?'' he asks.

 

''Nowhere, just somewhere.'' I answer.

 

 

It made me feel better that he was being nice to me.

 

Maybe because he heard I was in the hospital.

 

 

Or he decided to make a change from his former self.

 

 

 

''Can you be more specfic?'' he asks, finally turning his whole body to me.

 

His eyes slightly gaze into mine as I tried to look away.

 

 

It was a long time since I had someone interested to know something about me.

 

It even scared me a bit.

 

 

I shift in my chair as he gets a clear look at my face.

 

 

''I was on vacation,...in Bora Bora. That's where i've been for the past 2 months.'' I replied.

 

I knew better than to make up a lie.

  

 

''Awesome.'' he says.

 

 

A small smile appears on my face as I tried to hide it, I didn't like smiling much.

 

It was one of my biggest weaknesses.

 

  

But it was a different smile. One that didn't wrinkle into my face.

 

It was quick and genuine.

 

 

''Thanks, I guess.'' I reply to him.

 

 

He turns back to his friend as the full conversations from everybody else echoed. I turn back looking at my desk.

 

It was a different look for once. I had just received my first compliment from a different boy.

 

 

But of course, there was once this boy who would stand up in front of the whole class and tell the world how beautiful and weird I was.

 

And that was over before I knew it.

 

Fickle Friends

   

''Okay, Lunch time. Be sure to use the restroom before coming back to class. We'll be watching a video on multiplication and talk more on math.'' Mrs. Grande says.

 

 

Students rush by me to get out of class.

 

I see Mrs. Grande pull out her tupperware with ravioli inside. She mostly ate her lunch up here from what I remember.

 

 

But during our time in math class, we had a break for lunch. Then come back and finish up before going on to the next class.

 

I'm still surprised I still remember.

 

 

I slowly make my way out of the classroom into the bustling hall of kids roaming the stairs down to lunch.

 

I had to admit, lunch was one of my worst spent time in school.

 

 

It was the lonely hour or 50 minutes I spent eating my lunch and regretting life.

 

 

I walked forward asIi make my way down the hall to where my locker was.

 

 

And by then I could feel it in my gut. Like water raving into the ground.

 

The sound of sirens ringing in my presence.

 

 

My stomach turned as I entered into the hallway where he stood.

 

He was there.

 

With his friends of course.

 

 

I've never thought about seeing him again when i'd get back into school.

 

In fact,...I didn't think of him at all today.

 

 

But I knew I had to face him one day, besides the last time I saw him.

 

It was fate by the gods that threw pity on me.

  

 

Even the twist in his name on my mind made me weak.

 

He was here.

 

 

I hide out nearing the hallways. Most of the students had emptied down the stairs and into the cafeteria.

 

The halls of the upstairs classrooms were dull and open.

 

 

I had to get my lunch box out of my locker and down my way to the cafeteria.

 

And it was going to be hard, especially catching a glimpse at him.

 

 

It's been a while since we've talked or even met up.

 

I don't know what to do, or what to even say when I come close to him again.

 

 

My head peeks into the hallway as he still stood talking with his friends.

 

 

I was gonna have to face my fear of seeing him again.

 

 

It's been about 2 months since i've seen him.

 

Since I got in that car and left.

 

 

He's probably a little surprised about me being back.

 

But I doubt it, he had enough to say before. But then again, that was before.

 

He's probably over it.

 

 

I quickly withdraw from peeking and officially enter into the hallway.

 

There's silence.

 

 

I look down and watch my feet pace on the white tile floors.

 

The knot in my stomach grew as I continued to walk.

 

 

I was afraid of what he might think.

 

Is he going to like my new haircut?

 

Will he start talking to me again? Better yet.

 

 

Is he still going to like me?

 

 

By the time I had looked up from my feet, i've paced to where he stood with his friends.

 

I take a slight glimpse as his face crinkles into a smile.

 

 

The same red hair and warm presence of his smile for a second.

 

God, i've missed that smile.

 

I missed the way that smile looked in my direction.

 

 

Seeing him again made me lose my focus, it was like a parallel attraction.

 

Both oppposites attract.

 

 

I was surprised to see him well and okay.

 

 

My eyes widen at how close i've gotten, without even noticing.

 

I walk back out to where I was before.

 

 

Then my feet make a fast pace from the group of his friends.

 

 

I cover my face by slightly leaning my head down.

 

I was a little embarassed by how close I was to him again.

 

 

But his group of friends were blocking the view, he couldn't see me.

 

But I wanted to part my way into the conversation and make him see what he missed.

 

 

We both knew what happened and we both know our bond is too strong to resist.

 

We'll eventually run into each other again, and then things will shoot from there.

 

 

My hands reach up to my locker as my eyes continued to stare at him.

 

 

I hadn't realized how I managed to make the way to my locker and still focus on what my plan was.

 

 

The sound of his voice booms into the air.

 

I keep watch on him as my hands work on the lock.

 

 

I wondered if he saw me or better, if he recognized me.

 

I doubt it.

 

He probably couldn't see right through me or stop talking to realize it's me, Alex.

 

 

I admit, besides the news and the 'back to school welcome party' by all the people who noticed me.

 

I missed him the most.

 

 

I missed Tyler so much.

 

 

My locker opens on command as I noticed how far into the thought I was going.

 

I didn't even look up to see if I had the numbers right.

 

 

I finally gaze into my locker, taking out my lunch box.

 

 

I didn't prepare myself for what might happen when we bump into each other again.

 

 

But I had to push through.

 

 

Who knows what might happen if we cross paths again, and if he notices, it could be worse.

 

We wouldn't speak or suddenly I don't exist anymore.

 

 

My mind shouldn't play tricks on me like that, but it seemed right.

 

That might just happen, one or the other.

 

 

I push against my locker door as I turn back to where Tyler is with his friends.

 

They still haven't moved yet and I had to let that sink in.

 

It's time to turn on the confidence.

 

 

I kept my head down as I start walking back, heading down the hallway.

 

 

All I have to do, is go to the cafeteria, pass by him and go to the cafeteria.

 

I kept repeating the words in my hand.

 

 

But by the time I made the slow, fast pace to where he was, I lost my focus again.

 

My head had leaned up before I noticed.

 

 

I was no longer hunched over to cover myself from the embarassment.

 

I was fully confident.

 

 

But this time I was not staring at Tyler or any of his friends.

 

I was looking forward, being the strong superhero I knew I once was when I left the hospital this morning.

 

 

Not at a care in the world.

 

 

And just like that I passed by Tyler and his group of friends again.

 

This time with a little more ease.

 

 

But then the knot came back.

 

All hope pulled down on me.

 

 

I was back to normal Alex.

 

The race of confidence I had left, I felt myself move more slowly.

 

 

I knew that feeling I had before, the one I couldn't quite understand.

 

Tyler was watching me.

 

 

I could feel it in my fingers, his eyes were looking at me.

 

I still kept my head high, but I bent it down a little.

 

 

Tyler took control again, just like always.

 

And I was left feeling confused.

 

 

He probably knew it was me, but I didn't mind anymore.

 

 

I had finally reached the end of the hallway and made a fast run towards the stairs.

 

The same stairs from which I came up just earlier.

 

 

I was glad to be getting out of that weird slow moment that passed.

 

It seemed like forever.

 

My hands wrap around the staircase handles as I took one last step.

 

 

I had reached the cafeteria. The same old sunny, dim cafeteria.

 

Nothing had changed from here either and the food was the same.

 

 

The tuna cassorole I hated from the smell. The bad salad.

 

And french fries, old and hard enough to key a car.

 

The lunch here sucked, and that's when I decided to bring my own lunch.

 

 

I watched students in line turn away from their trays as they continued further down.

 

My hands grip at my lunch box handle as I purse my lips.

 

 

All of the faces I recognized were here.

 

Students pass by as I slowly step into the cafeteria.

 

 

Here I was again.

 

The same old routine, for god's sake.

 

 

My feet finally move without my intention, i've drawn myself to the old table where I ate lunch.

 

The bare and beautiful sight.

 

 

The pale brown color and rim ends made it seem like a safe haven.

 

This was where I sat, this was where it possibly all began.

 

Everything.

 

 

From the moment I stepped foot into this school, to the desparate cries during lunch.

 

From the scary nervous moments of anxiety, to those smiles that never seem to go away.

 

 

This was my spot, where I began the life of regular old Alex.

 

It's kind of a big deal.

 

 

My smile slowly forms as I walk over to the table.

 

Everyone else bustles in line to get food and others pile up in tables just nearby.

 

 

I sat with my lunch box planted on the table in front of me.

 

 

I remember I used to do this so vividly. I'd sit down and open up my lunch to eat.

 

Of course that was 2 months ago, but I felt shiny and brand new to get back into it.

 

  

There's a ham and cheese sandwich, carrots if I wanted that day.

 

2 sugar cookies, one I would share with Tyler if he's lucky to get one from me.

 

 

And a small water bottle, just like usual.

 

 

My eyes stare at the similar lunch I had most of the time. The lunch box seemed emptier than before.

 

Something was missing.

 

I would throw an apple in just for a little kick.

 

 

But Aunt Carol didn't pack an apple for me.

 

It didn't make me upset, but I just wished I had some type of fruit to eat.

 

 

She knew how much I liked the red apples.

 

 

My head hangs low as it always does when I eat.

 

I don't like to look up at anything or anyone when i'm eating, I just like to focus on my chews. 

 

 

I take the wrap off my sandwich and took a bite into it.

 

The white bread and cheese get stuck beneath my bottom teeth.

 

 

It was one of those moments that I liked about when I ate lunch.

 

How the food sticks around in your mouth, how weird but good it feels.

 

 

How my tongue searches my teeth to find and pick off any leftover piece.

 

It was the only thing that made me feel calm at lunch.

 

 

My sandwich pushes through my mouth as I sit in silence.

 

 

My fingers fish around my open lunch box to find my carrots.

 

No ranch.

 

 

Just the pale healthy carrots I fell in love with since I was 3.

 

The taste was nothing, but it seemed to numb the feeling in my mouth.

 

 

My hands wonder back up to my almost done sandwich. Soon i'd start on my sugar cookies.

 

It was the best part, the sweet taste of sugar in my mouth.

 

Twice the sugar, since it's the term sugar cookie.

 

 

I remember every christmas i'd shop with mom at the store to get sugar cookies.

 

It made the holidays better for us.

 

 

And when we couldn't find the pre-packaged sugar cookie mix, we'd make our own.

 

We'd get the ingredients and put them together.

 

 

But instead of using butter for the cookies, we'd switch it up every year.

 

 

Like coconut oil, margarine, and even avacado. The one we tried last year.

 

It came out all runny and green since we didn't add more flour to the mix.

 

 

But the batter tasted better instead of the cookie shape it didn't come out as.

 

Me and mom sat on the island, taking turns licking the spoon of batter until we were full.

 

 

That was one of the good days I remember, it was before she left again.

 

And I knew that she wouldn't be back for a while.

 

 

My fingers curl at one sugar cookie. I bit my lip as I lift it up.

 

It glowed in the sunlight from the windows of the cafeteria.

 

 

I place it into my mouth as it melts into the taste of sweet nothing.

 

My smile starts to form again, but it goes back down as I continued to eat.

 

 

It tastes perfect, just like always.

 

I was glad to have some good thoughts during my time back in school again. 

 

It seemed to calm me down throughout the day.

 

 

Suddenly, my eyes search around the table as footsteps near. My heart begins to pace.

 

I knew who it was.

 

 

My head slighty ducks down so I couldn't see who it was.

 

But sure enough I knew exactly who it was from what I felt in that moment.

 

 

A cafeteria tray plasters onto the smooth brown wood table from where I sat at.

 

He sits just across from me as I focused on my last cookie.

 

 

My mouth grew short on a dry spell as I tried to breathe.

 

It was nothing, it was just a person.

 

 

A person who had something to do with me, and now it's into rotten pieces.

 

 

His fingers tap at the table as I watch and glimpse from a close distant.

 

It was the hands that I recognized, it was those careless hands that picked on guitars.

  

Those soft but calloused hands glimmered into the light as I stop chewing.

 

 

I was done eating, but I was still hungry for something.

 

My hands wrap around each other i nfront of me as I tried to hide my face.

 

From what I can probably tell, I looked like I didn't want to be bothered.

 

 

And maybe he took it as a sign I didn't want to talk either.

 

But sure enough, he didn't give up without a fight.

 

He always stayed.

 

 

I lick the last of the crumbs that stuck to my lips. I didn't dare look up to see his face.

 

Then, his hands finally leave where they stayed for a while.

 

He was probably smiling, cause when he does, his hands reach down to the ground.

 

 

Or just hang in the worthless air pointing down.

 

 

I didn't think of what to say or what my response was.

 

We had just passed by each other upstairs near my locker.

 

 

Was I suppose to say something, or was he?

 

 

I kept my head down steady anyways as I tried to ignore the pain from my neck.

 

I really needed to stop doing that, it was killing me.

 

 

He rustles around from what I caught in a glimpse.

 

When he finally stops moving, something rolls onto the table.

 

 

A small red apple stops near my lunch box and I look up a little.

 

I didn't see his face or what he was doing, but I saw the apple.

 

 

My right hand reached for it and there was no answer from me.

 

I grasp it prepared for him to stop my hand, but Tyler doesn't.

  

 

I removed the apple slowly from it's place and examined it.

 

 

It looked cleaned and nothing unpretentious about it. The dark red color stood out.

 

Both of my hands grip onto it as I shove it into my mouth, I take a bite as I sat back comfortable.

 

 

I didn't lean on the table anymore, I just sat up straight with my head down as usual.

 

I take a quick glance to see his shirt across from the table.

 

 

It was a rather dirty kind of white that didn't seem to fit his style.

 

The same old jean jacket he wore, was wrapped around him.

 

 

He was part of reason why I started to wear jean jackets more, since i've been here.

 

 

My eyes slowly gaze up from his mid-section.

 

My glasses lift with my head so I can see his lips again.

 

Then my eyes dart back down quickly.

 

 

I was not ready to face him again, even from a distance I couldn't look at his face.

 

I took bites from the dark red apple again.

 

 

I'm calm for a second as I continue to look down. And then thoughts start running in my head.

 

 

To be honest, I wanted to leave the table.

 

I wanted to finish lunch and work up the courage to leave.

 

 

I wanted Tyler to grab my attention again and make me listen to him.

 

I was hoping he'd do something to kill the quiet air between us.

 

 

But god knows Tyler and I couldn't fix it.

  

I was the first to say it, then he took the sign to agree.

 

 

I didn't mean it, but it still haunts me.

 

Even in those nights i'd lay awake in the ICU wondering if things are okay.

 

 

And now, it's just silence.

 

Like how it was with Ashley,....things just happen.

 

  

I sat still as my eyes finally gave up and slowy look up again.

 

He's patient and watching me.

 

 

I tried to rub the nap of my neck but I didn't. Even from bending my head down, it hurt so much.

 

 

And when my eyes finally met Tyler's, I couldn't move.

 

I was frozen, like chalk on a board.

 

 

I was sure put up there, but I couldn't wipe it off.

 

Just like chalk.

 

 

My hands stood still as the apple which was halfway near my mouth, sits into my palms.

 

My eyes search his as I tried to memorize what he did.

 

 

Tyler merely passed me an apple, he knew how much I liked apples.

 

Especially the red ones.

 

 

He knew all it took was one simple gesture and things would magically turn up for themselves.

 

But it didn't for long.

 

 

I soon grew tired of staring at him.

  

 

Then I finally went into the thought about what happened to us, what went down.

 

My mouth finally closes from the gap it opened earlier.

 

 

I hadn't realized how long I was staring, but I somehow brought myself back.

 

I lick my lips for a second as I place the apple down, near my lunch box.

 

 

Suddenly i'm not so hungry anymore.

 

 

I wanted to scream in that moment, I should have said something.

 

I should have done something instead of keeping my mouth shut.

 

 

I wanted to talk, to say anything.

 

But I didn't.

 

 

I slowly go to close my lunch box, as the abrupt moment I laid hands on it, Tyler stopped me.

 

I knew at some point he would.

 

 

Tyler wouldn't be able to keep his eyes off me for long. 

 

I look up from my lunch box as his eyes meet mine again.

 

 

This time I stared completely with no intention of looking back down.

 

His eyes glare back into mine.

 

 

The moment was silent as the cafeteria zoned out for a second, or maybe it was me.

 

Our hands just linger for a second as we both sat still.

 

 

The warm hands I wanted to deparately feel again, those hands that waved to me.

 

Tyler's hands that once wanted to be close to me.

 

 

I watch as his lips part to say something, but it went cold and dry.

 

No answer.

 

 

I was upset, I was really hoping he'd apologize. To say sorry and put everything behind us.

 

 

I finally look away to my lunch box and fully close it. He doesn't let go of my hands as I tried to remain calm.

 

 

''Alex.'' he says softly.

 

His voice sifts through my ears.

 

 

An eery ring of some sort flushed through them, it's dead quiet from what I hear.

 

I wanted to say something.

 

 

I look down to where his hands still held a grip on mine, I slowly begin to remove mine.

  

His are still on the table grasping at nothing but the sunlight shining on them.

 

While mine rush to my sides again.

 

 

I look up finally to face him again.

 

He looked a little disappointed, but I didn't do anything to make it better.

 

I was lost and out of place.

 

 

I was hard to understand, even for Tyler.

 

But I always kept my heart open, especially for him.

 

 

The bell finally rings as i'm brought back to the scene, the tables begin to clear.

 

Lunch was over.

 

 

I barely said a word to Tyler, and I already felt like a stupid girl.

 

Who knows if we'll ever talk again.

 

But at least he recognized me, he even said my name. And that made my heart flutter, but I ignored it.

 

 

I was just glad he noticed me. I was glad he knew me.

 

I was glad that he had finally saw the real Alex I wanted him to see today.

 

 

But I don't even know who I am anymore, even since the accident.

 

I've been wondering and I want him to remind me too.

 

  

And as that thought sinks in, I finally leave the table as Tyler stays seated. 

 

He looks as if he had seen a ghost.

 

 

The ghost of Alex's past I should infer.

 

 

My lunch box trails beneath my wrist as I make the slow walk back to math class.

 

Feeling tired and out of breath from the moment I left the table.

 

 

I turn around to take one look from the stairs leading up, I could feel and see him staring at me.

 

 

Tyler stands leaning on the door near the cafeteria, staring at me.

 

Nothing else other than that. His hands in his front pockets.

 

 

A knowingly look that meant he'd still see the real me, even if I didn't anymore.

 

There were no words from him.

 

It was even more weirder between us than I thought.

 

 

Was he going to speak again? Or just continue to stare till I love him back.

 

 

Truth is, I don't know what to do about us.

 

I don't even know if there is an us anymore.

 

 

I turn back so I can try to ignore the fact that he's staring at me.

 

Knowing that i'd come running back to him.

 

 

As my foot takes one leap for joy, the steps on the staircase seemed to be harder to climb.

 

I was carrying a heavy soul from that point.

 

 

I didn't know if I should consider talking back to Tyler or just not.

 

Forever.

 

 

 

The rest of the time in math class, I focused on what to say to Tyler.

 

 

Laying my head down on the cool desk as my eyes watched the numbers dance around on the screen, students made small talk as I continued to space out.

 

 

I'd rather be under deep sleep again.

 

But that's just a wish I don't need to make again.

 

Swim

 

The grass beneath my feet and skin brush against me as I lay looking at the sun.

 

I had forgotten how much I missed this.

 

 

The birds chirping, the warm climate.

 

And the nature outside my house.

 

 

I was glad mom and dad chose to buy this house near the woods and hills when I was younger. So I can get a good taste of the wild side.

 

I always loved laying in the grass, just watching the clouds turn. And the sun would be my focal point.

 

 

I breathe in and out, as my fingers trace dirt in the grass.

 

I even missed how dry and dusty the dirt would get under my fingernails. Most people say it's gross.

 

But I think it's beautiful.

 

 

The flowers just below and above me shower in bright colors.

 

Of red and white and a little bit of yellow. Right in the middle of this hill.

 

This was the ultimate spot for anyone in this town to be.

 

 

It's quiet and calm up here, in the backyard of my house.

 

Nothing but the wind.

 

 

Hearing nosies come from inside thw house, and I furrow my eyebrows.

 

I was not expecting to hear anyone stop by.

 

 

Only Aunt Carol is the person who comes in un-announced.

 

But I hear different voices.

 

 

I get up from the ichy ground as I brush off the dirt. I heard the famaliar voices talk into the house. 

 

My eyes open wide.

 

 

They're home.

 

In the Heights

  

The month after Ashley confessed...

 

 

The halls roam with noises as I continued to stare down at my paper.

 

The bad pencil with no good quality scribbles the letters I put down.

 

 

It sharpened well, but bad use.

 

 

I wished I would have bought more pencils, this one sucks.

 

But that's not the other concern I had.

 

 

My hair got in the way most of the time when i'm looking down, but I didn't mind the big bird's nest my head created.

 

 

It was about time within the school year that I make the list I promised myself.

 

I'd probably write down, I need to cut my hair.

 

Better now than later.

 

 

It's only just september here in Lambert, Louisana. But the cold weather hasn't arrived yet.

 

 

The hot weather still blinds us as we come to school. Chilly in the morning, and warm in the afternoon.

 

I hated that about the weather, just how quick it changes overnight.

 

 

My thoughts brew into my fingers as I start to write down the list.

 

I'd had set some goals for myself back then, and I plan on doing it for my last year of middle school.

 

 

Middle School, the word that I dreaded the most.

 

Probably the worst 3 years of anyone's life, it's miserable yet strange.

 

 

#1. Detach yourself from people that only exist when they need something from you.

 

#2. To the people who call you friend, when they ask you for favors, then leave you afterwards. They don't need to show you their sympathy.

 

#3. Life will have less drama if you keep your circle small. You don't have to be friends with anyone.

 

 

Number 3 kind of hit me like a brick, i was kinda right about that.

 

I barely had anyone to talk to. And things were just fine on my own.

 

 

Finally, reaching my locker as i lean on it.

 

I blew the bubble gum I had chewed on the way here, it was already out of the sour strawberry flavor.

 

But I didn't mind.

 

 

I continued to write as the minutes begin to pass before 1st period.

 

#4. Pick the people who share the same interest and radiate the positivity that you have.

 

 

Now number 4, had some tricky things I hadn't written in a long time. I was seeing more of me from that point and day to day.

 

 

But there was probably no one else here that had the same interest as me.

 

Except for Ashley, but our friendship had been long gone since we started going to Bree Woods Middle School.

 

 

I know, and she knows we don't talk anymore. At least like we used to.

 

The 2 minute bell rings and i'm brought back from my thoughts.

 

 

I pace to my first period class.

 

I had a lot of fun in that class, even though there's tons of work and assignments.

 

But it's worth the experience.

 

 

The rush into the classroom as other students do the same nerve-wrecking routine. I slide into my seat just as he walks through the door.

 

The door slams shut and Mr. Elliot turns to us with a stern look.

 

 

''Good morning class.'' he says.

 

''Morning.'' says half of the class.

 

 

I'm one of the kids that were silent in response, the rest had enough energy to talk my ears off.

 

And while they were doing that, I was maintaining myself to a few of my rules.

 

 

I lay my head down as Mr. Elliot sets up his things.

 

My eyes wonder through my thin, thick glasses that shadowed clearly what he was doing.

 

 

''Alright class how was your weekend?'' he finally says.

 

''Good.'' says some students.

 

 

Other kids reply with a nod or just sighed in respond.

 

I however sat up at attention, no words from me as usual.

 

 

But I did have something to say.

 

Like how I was window shopping for a new hobby and I ran into someone who's recently in my interest.

 

 

I wanted to say my weekend was pretty much exciting, in front of the whole class.

 

 

But I was still the same old Alex, the bush haired girl that was kinda odd and unpretentious.

 

Most people didn't even bother to say anything about me, I was worthless.

 

 

But Mr. Elliot didn't think of me that way.

 

He says i'm smart and devoted, but I doubt it.

 

 

''So as we begin class-'' Mr. Elliot starts.

 

The door opens and he's silent, the rest of the students turn to the door.

 

 

Our heads turn left to see who's entering in late.

 

And there she was, just like always.

 

 

5 minutes late to class.

 

 

The same old routine she does.

 

First she'd talk up a storm with her so called friends, then take a drink from the water fountain. 

 

Then she'd lastly come across a teacher that tells her to hurry to class.

 

 

And then she's here, in Mr. Elliot's Social Studies 1st period.

 

 

She walks into the room as if her statement was made. She had been late to this class for about,...I don't even know anymore.

 

I just know she's always late to most of her classes, especially this one.

 

 

I don't know why, or if she's taking up the bad girl root. But she made an entrance every time she stepped foot in this class.

 

One hell of an entrance I might say.

 

 

''You're late Bass.'' Mr. Elliot says flat out.

 

''As always.'' Ashley says passing by him.

 

 

I watch as her figure passes the row of students and she makes her way to the aisle of seats next to mine.

 

Her hot pink jacket glows in front of us as she continues unbothered.

 

 

She was kinda like, fashionable, not many words came out of her mouth.

 

But her style, response and attitude says it all.

 

 

I just kept wondering if I could get inside her head and figure out what she is.

 

Or who she is right now.

 

 

Ashley had been doing this for so long, I had almost forgotten who she is sometimes.

 

But at least I recognized something about Ashley no one else knew, she always changed her looks.

 

And this past week, she dyed her hair again.

 

 

This time she was blonde, a bright bland of the whitest blonde you can think of.

 

But mostly it consisted of some darker gold colors to maintain the rich split ends that mixed in.

 

 

Her eyes shift to take a quick glance at me.

 

I was happy to see I had grabbed her attention.

 

 

I always tried to get her to look at me in this class, and even now this moment is special.

 

 

Usually she'd pass and get to her desk just 2 seats behind, in the row to the right of me.

 

No sign of response, or any type of communication.

 

As always.

 

 

But then over time since school started again in August, just about 2 months back, I realized she's noticing me.

 

 

I was relieved with joy to see we we're finally having a connection again.

 

And slowly class after class. We'd develop a new way to notice each other.

 

 

First, it was Ashley calling out my last name, Carter, then she'd get closer to me without noticing.

 

And so far now, we're making small eye contact.

 

 

But we haven't spoken yet, that's the part that upsets me.

 

I just wished she would have told me what happened when we stopped talking.

 

 

What had I done to upset her, or what she did to end the good friendship we had. But mom said through an email that I need to be patient, and she'll come back to me.

 

 

And that's when I thought up of another rule for me.

 

11 rules to be exact. And I had 4 down now.

 

 

I slowly take out the notebook I had written in this morning.

 

The front cover consisted of stickers and colors of black and white. I liked it that way.

 

 

I flip to the previous page I was on. As I lean my head down behind a classmate in front of me.

 

Mr. Elliot begins to teach class as I write down my idea.

 

 

#5. Never trust telling your stories to anyone. Never.

 

 

It seemed like a pretty good rule to follow, and most people in this school aren't trustworthy.

 

I've heard toxic stories about friendships and relationships in this school.

 

 

Which sums up to why nobody trusts, anybody in this school.

 

Even me.

 

 

''Carter are you writing something down?!'' Mr. Elliot says.

 

 

I look up a little surprised at how long i've spaced out. My head leans up to see everyone quiet and staring at me.

 

 

My eyes shift back to Mr. Elliot who's looking in my direction, everyone's still silent.

 

''We are listening to this story, you are not to be writing.'' he says directly at me.

 

 

I hesitate to speak but my mouth goes dry. I slowly set my pencil down and look away.

 

''Put the notebook away, we're reading.'' he says softly to me.

 

 

I begin to hide myself from the embarassment as I close my notebook and slide it into my backpack beside me.

 

''Right on Mr. Elliot.'' says one boy.

 

 

I'm in utter shock as I try to maintain my stance, I didn't need anyone else to drag me down.

 

And I was an easy target, I get embarassed.

 

 

 

It's like following the rules and then turns out you did it wrong. Mainly because you didn't listen.

 

And La La Land is the official vacation you stop at for a bit, before your temporary hell is brought back.

 

 

And in this case, our temporary hell is school and my life.

 

''Pipe down West.'' Mr. Elliot yells to the boy who spoke.

 

 

He slumps in his chair at the slight embarassment of his last name being called out.

 

Now we're even.

 

 

''Now can you all please pay attention.'' he says to the class.

 

''Yes.'' says everyone.

 

 

Ashley's one of the last people to say it as I hear her voice disappear into the quiet air. 

 

I notice for a second before I listen to Mr. Elliot again.

 

 

He continues on and on about the 1900's and plenty of movies made back then. 

 

It was kind of boring, but fascinating.

 

--

 

The bell rings and everyone gets up from their seats, i'm one of the last kids.

 

The seats the school provided weren't all that great.

 

 

It's hard and cold, and nothing but pencil marks with writings on it.

 

Definitely passed down by other middle schoolers.

 

 

I ease up from my seat and grab my backpack. And just as my hand begins to leave the table, I felt something stick on it.

 

 

I removed myself from the seat quickly and look down to my left hand.

 

 

There was an old piece of bubble gum stuck onto my hand.

 

And of course it had to be pink.

 

 

Then it made me think of the bubble gum wall. Somewhere, I can't remember.

 

I overheard some of the 8th graders talk about how disgusting the wall was.

 

 

Or, what a waste of gum.

 

And now, I know it is a waste of gum.

 

I had my first gum imprint, from a dirty old desk.

 

  

''Carter?'' Mr. Elliot says to me.

 

 

He points his fingers for me to come over.

 

I tried to clear my mind as what's left of the class disappears to their 2nd period.

 

 

I take slow breaths and hide my hand.

 

 

It felt nothing like what I thought it would be.

 

And from that point, I don't think I could ever chew gum again.

 

 

Despite I was still chewing the one from this morning, after I ate a whole apple.

 

It was one of my big achievements.

 

 

I quickly approach his desk.

 

 

I smiled as I got to his desk. He just stands, concerned.

 

''Carter, i'm worried about how you're intereacting with my class.'' he says.

 

 

He crosses his arms over his chest.

 

Then I knew what was going to happen. This was going to be a long lecture about me.

 

 

''Yes, Mr. Elliot?'' I implied.

 

''I need you to pay attention, this is your last year of middle school. I can't have you distracted, I need your full attention.'' he starts.

 

I clear my throat and look down at my old shoes.

 

 

The dirty yellow shoes I had worn for years. It still fits.

 

That's what the spark in them told me.

 

 

Finally, I look up.

 

''Yes, I understand.'' I respond.

 

 

''Especially since you're one of my smartest students, and don't let that label get to you. I know you Carter, i've known you for a while now and I can tell you'll do great things. So don't give up.'' he says.

 

 

It was the usual speech a teacher would give when they'd hold you from going to your next class.

 

 

First, it's concern. Then it's all about body language.

 

There's hand movements and proper stance, then leaning down to your eye level.

 

And then comes the words that make's everyone feel so special. But it doesn't.

 

 

It was all just a play. A simple play put together by excuses and words to make people realize things.

  

 

I nod my head after a long pause, i knew what he was saying.

 

It's meaningful and nice, but I can't be late to class.

 

 

''Now go, I don't want you to be late for Science.'' he says.

 

''Thanks Mr. Elliot.'' I reply to him.

 

 

I dart for the door on the other side of the room. It was closer to my class than going out the way I came this morning.

 

And as I run to it, I potentialy almost knock myself down with chairs.

 

But I held on for dear life.

 

 

Mr. Elliot watches me as I pick myself back up.

 

''Bye.'' I said again.

 

I exit the other door.

 

 

 

I stroll the hallway of the kids that are running late as I try to pick the wad of gum that was stuck to the plam of my hand off.

 

It was old and weird looking, and god...the feeling.

 

 

I don't want to say, but it's something alright.

 

I continued, frustrated to get it out as I walk the halls of this school. And pretty sure enough, it was empty.

 

 

And then the bell rang.

 

It echo's into the halls as I looked to the closed classroom doors.

 

I was all alone. And late.

 

 

But I focused back on the wad of gum which was halfway off my left hand.

 

''Eww.'' I said silently.

 

 

It disgusted me so much that I grew tired of chewing my own personal gum.

 

Then I took it out of my mouth as the lasting flavor of sour strawberry lingered.

 

 

I look to it, almost resembling the first wad of gum on my left palm.

 

''That's just great.'' I said with disgust.

 

 

 

''Hey.'' says a voice.

 

I turn to my left as my eyes set on someone.

 

It was the boy I had seen over the weekend.

 

 

It was the person I wanted to mention in first period when Mr. Elliot asked us how our weekend was. 

 

It was weird and utterly surprising to see him in the flesh.

 

 

I didn't know he went to this school.

 

Or even knew he'd find me.

 

 

So seeing his face again made my heart jump a little.

 

I was convinced i've developed a crush on him.

 

 

And I knew he'd forever be, record store boy to me.

 

''Are you okay?'' he asks again.

 

 

I shake my head from my thoughts as I realized how long I was probably staring.

 

Unsure if I should hurry to the girls restroom, and try to get rid of the gum. Or stick around, trying to get past someone I might have a connection with.

 

 

Instead of answering for a brief second, record store boy comes over to me. I take a step back preparing for what might happen.

 

 

My mouth opens a little, as he reaches his hand out for mine.

 

I look at it for a bit, before knowing what he was about to do.

 

 

His hands are pale and calloused, as the light from the windows to the left of us reflect on them.

 

But how should I know for sure, I just met him.

 

 

''Your hand.'' he says to me.

 

I look up from my small trance and my eyes set straight towards his. For a brief second he stares back into mine, but then it's down at my hand.

 

He touches it for a second, his fingers ripping off the gum I desparately tried to get rid.

 

 

Small breaths came out of my mouth once it's gone. He holds it in his hand, and the other one I chewed...in mine.

 

I'm still in the trance. I can't believe he's touching me.

 

It's a hard one to get out of.

 

 

I realized after a second, i've never said a word or even mentioned a thank you.

 

 

He's just staring at me for a bit, wondering what's going on in my mind. Then he turns around to a trash bin, throwing the piece of old gum away.

 

 

I watched him turn back the way he came, and i'm speechless. Just casually staring at him.

 

Once I break out of it again, I quickly look down to my free hand without the old wad of gum on it.

 

 

I rubbed the outer palm part looking at the ground, possibly trying to avoid eye contact with record store boy.

 

And when I finally decided to work up the courage to do it, he's gone.

 

 

I turned my head, looking around for him. Finally, I see his shadow walking around the halls.

 

To my left, he's walking for a while, then he disappears into a classroom.

 

 

 

I let out a sigh, that was my chance to do it. To finally talk to him, and I messed it up.

 

Well thank god for Alex.

 

 

I finally move from my spot in the hallway and walk over to the trash bin just near, throwing away the piece of gum I chewed earlier into the empty dark void.

 

 

The trash bin, typically where I belong right now.

 

It's impossible to tell for sure.

 

Grigio Girl

 

The day I finally came home....

 

 

For a long time, i'd hear them argue. Knowing that I was suppose to be asleep.

 

But my ears are open, and that deep blue ocean light in my room didn't go away.

 

They would fight about everything. School....what the trip was going to cost and of course.

 

Alex.

 

 

What was I going to do in all this situation, nothing.

 

That's all I can tell you.

 

I just sit back and watch everything unfold.

 

 

They've been at it for years, and they never thought about me. How the impact affected me.

 

The illness that grew from my aching heart, and they would leave.

 

 

''Stop.'' I said.

 

 

Their eyes turned to me, already seconds into the house they hadn't noticed that I was inside.

 

Right on time, but not exactly.

 

Part of me wished thar they were gone again. But the other me, wanted my parents back.

 

 

Mom, dressed in black and grey.

 

Dad too, with his scruffy facial hair and worried eyes.

 

 

I saw them again. The light that died every time they'd visit.

 

Message after message, phone call after...more phone calls.

 

 

All while Aunt Carol stood there. Her eyes are on me, making sure i'm fine.

 

I am, but not for long.

 

 

''You're home.'' I said softly.

 

 

My fingers crinkle at the thought as they form into fists. I was ready to get angry, but the feeling went away.

 

My parents. Who have been away since, I don't know when, finally came home.

 

 

But I knew they'd leave again.

 

 

''Alex.'' mom says.

 

She's the first to approach me. I take a step back.

 

I wasn't sure if she had bad news or good news. Even after the conversation and moments that disappeared. I couldn't tell apart the face she always puts on for me.

 

 

''Wer'e home.'' she replied smiling.

 

Her head hangs low, as if i'm her little girl again.

 

 

But I doubt she'd get past it. I'll always be her little girl.

 

The one who chews gum.

 

The girl who steals milky way bars, and the one who would have been part of the grigio girls.

 

 

Moving up town, making the age gap everybody loved sound amazing.

 

 

But that's not the case, everything's not like how it was.

 

I'd like to say it was coming, the whole thing.

 

 

And from the look in mom's eyes, everyone's quiet. Waiting for me to answer.

 

To react, to say something, like a doll repeating everyone's words.

 

 

But my mouth doesn't hang open anymore.

 

And I don't live in a dollhouse.

  

 

''Where have you been?'' I finally ask.

 

It comes out shaky, as if I cried for 4 days and 4 nights.

 

 

But I meant it, as a happy thing. To finally see the cheer in their faces.

 

Everyone, back together again.

 

 

The spotlight, planted on me, hoping that i'd say what's right.

 

And yet, I spoke what my mind told me to say. It was stupid, worthless, and not worth the talk.

 

 

I had no idea, the thought of it....being together again would be forever.

 

Forever young with them, mom and dad.

 

 

And still, my heart breaks. I begin to cry.

 

Wondering every single day, where do you think you're going?

 

 

Trying to make out the words, hold my hand, stay.

 

But they don't stay, at least in my world.

 

 

I barely think of it again. Then before I know it, i'm out of the kitchen.

 

Mom and dad are worried.

 

 

Aunt Carol is there, watching everything blow up.

 

Nothing crucial happened, just the thought of a young girl who missed her parents.

 

 

And while I think of it, i'm out the front door. With tears streaming down my face.

 

The sun, setting just ahead.

 

 

The sidewalks began to blur as tears continue to fall on my glasses. I don't even bother to wipe them.

 

I just keep running.

 

 

From home, my parents, Aunt Carol. 

 

Everything, even Lousiana it'self.

 

 

I wanted to get out of here, to find my peace again. But it sucks when the truth is right in front of you.

 

The sad, sad truth.

 

 

And for the entire run while I tried to stop crying, i'm focusing on what to do.

 

Who to see, what to think.

 

 

I needed Nurse Nenny. But then I remembered she had other patients.

 

She has her own life to think about, one without me anymore. Just a memory of me.

 

The days she'd take care of me, her perfect smile and auburn hair I loved so much.

 

 

She couldn't take care of me now, I was on my own.

 

And as the sun went down, I had no other choice.

 

 

Run back home, hitch a ride, or just continue to walk.

 

 

And thinking of hitching a ride, brought back to the memory of how I ended up in the hospital.

 

And going back home, would only make it worse.

 

 

So I kept running, looking back one more time at the place I barely knew so well.

 

Praying that god would do something, helping one of his sweet children live again.

 

 

But then I realize, that in this world of mine, he might not even answer.

 

It might have even been made up.

 

 

Those nights, that I pray. Needing someone.

 

Having this power of my life.

 

 

The wind is cool and I keep my head down, remembering. One of things I hated.

 

But remembering, the steps.

 

The streets, the time it takes to get there.

 

 

How fast I need to run, and who exactly I need to see. I knew I could trust him.

 

But i'm not so sure anymore, which is why I need to find out.

 

 

If I still trust him, and if we can maybe work it out.

 

It feels good to think about that since today at lunch, I deserved to visit him.

 

 

To have an explaination and those thoughts I had stuck inside, finally let out.

 

 

I watch the ground, still trying to figure out where it is again.

 

 

And then it's there. I stop in my tracks looking to my left. On top of the smallest hill.

 

Life.

 

His life.

 

 

The same white house with a porch, vintage chairs and a hell of a prick coffee table outside.

 

But it was the house I fell in love with. More importantly, the one with the person inside.

 

 

And at the thought I charge up the large, wet grass hill. I look down a couple times, then up again.

 

Fighting the urge to just leave or stay.

 

 

But, if I stay. Things will be perfect.

 

And if I decide to go, it's gone.

 

 

Before even another thought, i'm on the porch, standing in front of the door.

 

Tears dripping off my glasses.

 

 

Then it happens, slowly growing louder and louder with each drop.

 

The rain.

 

 

I'm breathing heavily. Mostly from the run up to the house.

 

And then I realized, what was going to happen.

 

 

I knock on the door, no hesitation this time.

 

My decision is set and nothing's going to hold me back.

 

 

As that thought subsides, the front door slowly begins to creak.

 

I knew I had to face it somehow....now or never.

 

Velvet Bones

 

Just in case you didn't know, you should never trust anyone with your story.

 

Trust me, i've told myself that months ago. About 7 months ago.

 

 

Yet here I am, about to talk and confess.

 

  

The door opens with a creak, but the screen door is shut.

 

He's standing there. 

 

 

It's raining heavy now, whipping it'self over everything it touches.

 

My mouth is open, forming a O that won't shut.

 

 

My breathing is silentl, in and ou. Trying to control what i'm doing.

 

A few seconds go by, not even one of us had said anything.

 

 

Then I speak. "Can we talk?''

 

It comes out wobbly as if needing to say it was truthful enough.

 

He just stands there, looking down at me. Then the rain lets up.

 

 

The sun begins to shine again, seeping through my damp clothes.

 

Tyler barely even recognized me. I was a totally different person.

 

 

But after several looks, stares and everything in between, we march on our back to my house.

 

Over the wet pavement and streetlights that won't let the rain stop dripping from it.

 

 

Tyler follows behind me. We don't speak, we just walk.

 

It kinda sucks how I didn't mention why, or even came up with an excuse.

 

He just, opened the door, stepped outside. And automatically, he was on my side.

 

 

And while I thought on the walk up, it bugged me how we barely spoke before. 

 

After all, I did just get back from the hospital a few long hours ago. But that didn't phase Tyler.

 

 

He just suspected i'd get over it. The way the words twinkled in his eyes before we left his porch.

 

 

Luckily, Tyler lets me off the hook when I don't explain why I led him back to my house.

 

I just had a lot to say, with everything.

 

 

I didn't even mention how my parents came back today, or why i've been gone.

 

Or even why i've avoided seeing him all day in school.

 

It was time to tell someone, beside Mrs. Grande, who obviously doesn't know what's up.

 

 

When we reach my house, I lead him to the back porch.

 

 

Inside mom and dad are talking softly. Aunt Carol is between them trying to fix the situation.

 

And then they're quiet, watching me. I sit down on one of the steps and Tyler does the same.

 

 

He's to the left and i'm on the right. We're quiet for a second.

 

Tyler's looking at me, but I ignore him for a second as I gathered my thoughts.

 

 

 

Where do I start,....the incident, the fight? The 2 months i've been in the hospital, and the lost track of time?

 

All rushing through my brain, I didn't know what say it.

 

 

''I've...been meaning to talk to you.'' I finally said.

 

Tyler looks down, trying to fuse the words together. But I knew he would be confused.

 

And that made me think harder, what would be better than meaning to talk to you.

 

 

Was it the way you say it? How the words fit together?

 

Or maybe it's the feeling...how it spreads like honey.

 

 

So sweet...but it's not sweet anymore between us.

 

And with that said, I turn back to see Mom and Dad watching me from the counter.

 

 

The window's are clear and the sight is set.

 

I can't fail them now. I needed to fix it.

 

 

Then I turn back to Tyler quickly, grabbing his attention.

 

Placing my hand on his, without hesitation this time.

 

 

I'm confident and I know it this time. I'm not afriad like before.

 

And I know this because my parents are here.

 

 

Before them, I used to slip on my words and duck my head down in shame.

 

I used to watch kiss of the dragon, and hope for love.

 

 

I learned without them, I grew up on my own words and now that their back...

 

I can't break my promise, those rules.

 

 

 

Well their more than rules, their part of my bucket list.

 

My bucket list.

 

 

#11. You may be good at acting like the victim, but now soon, it's gonna be time to face reality. Embrace the truth, because people can see through you.

 

 

I wrote that, just months ago. One of the last important things i'll ever write.

 

I had the chance to cover for myself, looking out for me when I didn't know.

 

 

Like in 5th grade when Ashley told me to carry tampons around, even though I hadn't gotten my period yet.

 

It was so much like that.

 

 

And then I knew what to say.

 

 

I open my mouth finally, trying to form the words in my head.

 

It comes and goes, but then it kicks in.

 

 

''I'm sorry,...for earlier at lunch.'' I finally said.

 

It's comes out soft yet loud enough for Tyler to hear.

 

 

I was afriad of what his reaction might be, and even after the seconds I watched him come up with a response, I couldn't care less anymore.

 

 

I lean in, taking one of my hands to Tyler's neck, then going for it.

 

 

It's simple and nothing. My eyes are closed, but in my soul, their open.

 

 

I couldn't even think of what might happen next, but I continued on.

 

My hand still and firm on his neck. The other, moved to my right thigh.

 

 

Then within the seconds, our lips part. Tyler leans in, finishing it.

 

We just sat there, kissing, as if nothing was wrong.

 

 

And then it's even more clear for me. There's nothing wrong with the trouble.

 

Mom and Dad could see, so could Aunt Carol.

 

 

But I never opened my eyes one bit. Even when Tyler placed his left hand over to my cheek.

 

Letting the moment sink in, as regret and the truth flows in.

 

 

I've been meaning to do this.

 

But I never suspected i'd be the one to go through the park.

 

 

And when our lips touched, it felt like fireworks.

 

Silent woods, and the ocean roaring ahead. Even in the middle of Louisana, it felt right.

 

 

My soul, my life was mended again.

 

I had no fear holding me back this far again.

 

I knew i'd finally let those words, too loud for music to understand, let go.

 

 

And with that thought, our lips part. Letting a huge grin plaster on my face.

 

It takes a while before Tyler's  begins to form, but i'm still and quiet.

 

 

Looking into his eyes, wondering when i'd become the new Alex.

 

The one who doesn't bookshop on friday's, calling it a good time.

 

The Alex who doesn't survive on red apples, and the need of truth.

 

 

It was utterly amazing. My parents saw. And even Alex, me. I saw it.

 

I suck in my bottom lip, still letting my smile rise over my face.

 

 

Then I look to the left, where the closed slide door is.

 

Mom and Dad are still, watching me. As if they saw everything I wanted to say.

 

 

The truth is, I hoped they did.

 

 

And i'd hope for the love and other theories they told me, to finally bloom again.

 

With one more smile, my eyes danced around in theirs.

 

XOXO

 

The year we became friends....

 

 

The girl next to me who loved sports was on the stands and one day searched through her mp3 player.

 

And I could see she was listening to Roman Holiday, by my favorite artist.

 

 

And at that same time, I started humming the chorus that I loved on the track.

 

We both looked at each other, a small smile on my face and also her's.

 

I didn't know who she was or if I would ever see her again, but I loved that we didn't say a word.

 

 

Just a simple bond over a song. It's amazing what music can do.

 

And from then on, we just knew.

 

 

So when I walked through those doors on my first day, she was by my side.

 

And that day, we met during gym class in 5th grade. We'd promise each other one thing.

 

 

When we both started 6th grade, we'd both become friends.

 

 

I was so happy for once.

 

It was not even a simple walk to school, I was practically jogging.

 

 

With excitement in my bones, I longed to see and hear the first words of the girl I remembered.

 

The one with brown hair and freckles, the wonderless eyes and cursed lips.

 

 

The one named, Ashley.

 

With that thought, the bell rang. Me and Ashley pushed past some students trying to get past the main office.

 

It was a busy. Weird first day at Bree Woods Middle School.

 

 

Ashley wore a brown sweater with the sleeves cut off and long ends that go past your waist.

 

She also had on the darkest brown, along with black booties.

 

 

Ashley had beautiful brown hair. So smooth and graceful, I couldn't keep my eyes off of it.

 

 

Then it happened, the worst of moments to ever come in your worst 3 years in your entire life.

 

I fell down, in a bustling crowd of 6th graders.

 

 

And even after the second I realized it, there she was again.

 

 

Helping me up, just like the time I fell down trying to shoot a basketball into the net.

 

I missed and landed on my left knee, it was scraped and hurt a lot.

 

 

Even when it was generous of Ashley, taking me to the nurse, she stayed the entire time I was in the room.

 

She was nice, everything went great from when we met in the 5th grade.

 

 

We didn't talk much or even said anything, we just exchanged expressions.

 

And when she had that smile, the one with all of her teeth, I knew it was really fate.

 

 

My smile comes back up once i'm on my feet again.

 

I adjust the strap of my backpack before following after Ashley.

 

 

''Come on.'' she says.

 

She pulls me behind her, holding onto my left hand. But i'm too distracted afterwards.

 

I focus on her voice, what she said.

 

 

And the smile on her face.

 

Once I give out on the trance, Ashley stops. Letting me follow behind quietly.

 

She scans the area, looking at the dim lighted school and students rushing around.

 

 

Everyone, for the first real 3 years of theie life, was rushing against that moment.

 

6th graders, new and proud.

 

 

You can pick them out because they look young, like babies.

 

Full backpacks, fresh face with makeup and lip gloss.

 

Glasses and sneakers that don't match.

 

 

Then onto the 7th graders. For this, me and Ashley have to turn our heads, looking left.

 

 

Much older, better experience and they even appear smarter.

 

You can tell their older because, they have better style, amd more things to carry around. 

 

And phones, tons of them.

 

 

All while Ashley carries her ipod, and me,...nothing.

 

Then moving forward to the ultimate ones, the inevitable 8th graders.

 

 

Their gigantic, huge I might say.

 

They have more things to do, spending their time working and all for just the last year.

 

 

When graduation hits, the curfew gets bumped up a few more earlier hours after summer.

 

And then they offcially become teenagers, entering the next worst 4 years of their lives.

 

 

I was however, looking forward to my wonderful 8th grade year, filled with memories.

 

And hope.

 

 

''Ashely Hope Bass, I think were officially 6th graders.'' I said making a small turn.

 

 

I circled around looking at our school in my thoughts for a second as my smile grew wider.

 

This was it, the 1st year i'd offcially grown up.

 

 

In just 3 years, the music will be too loud.

 

And if it's too loud,...than that means i'm too old.

 

--

 

Months before the accident....

 

 

In that time period, we stopped just like that.

 

And when that thought was brought up again, I couldn't help but let my pencil slip out of my fingers.

 

 

Mr. Elliot made us do an assignment on the scarlet red letter, it's suppose to be due the last week of september.

 

I wasn't ready for sure.

 

 

I kept thinking about record store boy, I placed my palm underneath my chin so I could look up ahead.

 

Mr. Elliot probably won't notice for a while, so I had time to daydream for a bit.

 

 

And boy, the timing was great right now.

 

I couldn't help but smile anytime i'd come across record store boy.

 

 

Of course with my new found hobby, I spent my recent afternoons going up and down the tables at the record store. Sneaking a few glances at record store boy.

 

 

Even though he worked behind the counter, I still found a way to attract his eyes to me.

 

I was helpless, invisible, practically innocent.

 

 

Just a regular ol' person shopping for some records. But in the past few days i've been there, not one single vinyl or record left in my hands.

 

 

I was there for the enjoyment. To see him.

 

I'd take several guesses on his name but couldn't find the right match.

 

 

I liked the idea of Adam, the record store boy. Or Chris, record store boy.

 

I could come up with names that easy. But none of them stuck around.

 

 

Until the one day, when I overheard a conversation between record store boy, and a couple friends.

 

The word Tyler, came out and I couldn't stop myself from there.

 

 

He was Tyler, the record store boy.

 

The one who's mysterious and oddly nice, I might guess.

 

Although I don't really know him. The last time we both saw each other was when I had that old gum stuck to my hand.

 

 

It was disgusting, but the moment was great.

 

He had no idea who I was, or what I had in mind.

 

 

Just two local strangers, roaming the halls of Bree Woods Middle School.

 

It was kinda like that for us.

 

 

He'd exchanged smiles, i'd lower my head and push the frame of my glasses up on my nose again.

 

Silent flirting I call it, nobody knows for sure. And that's the fun part of it.

 

 

And as that thought subsides, I picked up my pencil finally.

 

A big grin on my face as I continued on with a small paragraph on the scarlet red letter.

 

 

While I finished up a sentence, I couldn't help but stop every few words.

 

Something else was grabbing my attention, it wasn't my thoughts this time.

 

 

 

It was Ashley. I could tell she was looking at me. With that bright hot pink jacket she wears all the time.

 

In fact, i've never seen her wear anything other than that jacket this whole week.

 

 

I'm beginning to think it's her way of reminding me of something.

 

Having to do with the color, or the attention.

 

 

Either way, I stop in my tracks of writing and think about the mystery.

 

The fun, and clues Ashley keeps dropping me.

 

I can never seem to figure it out. Why she never talks or tells me anything.

 

 

But with the looks, the constant changing that happens, i'm pretty sure it was all one big reveal.

 

Moon Flower

 

Sometimes you see things, and you keep quiet about them.

 

No one can tell, unless you spill.

 

 

The truth is, the school is inevitable.

 

The friends, toxic. Relationships, toxic.

 

 

Everything in Bree Woods Middle School.

 

Toxic.

 

t-o-x-i-c

 

I was beginning to think it was true, nobody seemed trustworthy in this school.

 

 

Even with the girl who leans on her haunted locker.

 

 

Who writes rules under her name, calling them, The Guide to Living Throughout The Worst 3 Years Of Your Life.

 

Starring: Alex Carter.

 

 

I mean, I could be a superstar for coming up with this tremendous idea.

 

But all hell has fallen down.

 

I'm stuck on the 7th one.

 

 

 

# 7. Sometimes you wish you could be 25, with your life figured out and everything in hands. But if the music is too loud, then you're too old.

 

  

The bell rings leaving me to head off downstairs today. For 1st period, I have English.

 

Which was one of my most boring classes until Tyler got transferred into it.

 

 

My smile rose up on my face as I thought about it, my hair falling behind me.

 

The ends were thin and poofy, like I just rolled out of room with high humidty.

 

 

 

But I don't care, I just down my way through the stairs. Walking down several hallways with white walls until I reached my destination.

 

 

I had to admit, anytime i'd stept foot in the room, I was nervous.

 

I barely said anything or even spoke to Tyler.

 

 

It's the middle of October and I still haven't made up my mind.

 

Days, weeks,...maybe even a month since we've seen each other.

 

 

It was hopeless, I needed to say something some time soon. Otherwise my glasses would be the center of attention.

 

And I hated that the most.

 

 

Sliding into my chair, Ms. Swisher comes in dressed up nice as always.

 

 

The usual shiny gloss bun, the cashmere sweaters and black skirts.

 

You know, the ones that look the same, but you can't tell the difference.

  

 

But enough about that, I was still focused on Tyler.

 

What to say and how to introduce myself.

 

 

And sadly, I somehow ended up guilting myself out of it.

 

It wasn't worth it, even when I thought about it long and hard at lunch.

 

 

The red apple I thought would bring me luck, didn't seem to work.

 

And even in Ms. Paul's counseler class, my mind was focused on Tyler.

 

 

So much, I didn't think about Ashley.

 

 

When she came in, giving a note to Ms. Paul, I couldn't help but stare.

 

Dropping the usual, hand underneath the chin move I do when I think.

 

 

Her fresh blonde hair, fading into the room as Ms. Paul starts to read it.

 

She looks down at it for a while before Ashley takes it as a sign to disappear.

 

 

She doesn't even make eye contact with anybody, she just moves her way to the door and leaves.

 

And sadly enough, I couldn't keep my eyes off of her.

 

 

The sad look on her face.

 

The colorless lips that won't smile anymore.

 

 

And then I think back to the time I last saw her smile.

 

At the school dance, in november. 6th grade year, when we never spoke again properly.

 

 

It was a sad night I kept thinking about, all the way into the next year.

 

The lifeless look on her face.

 

 

The pale eyes that no longer looked brown.

 

And mine, without another spark.

 

 

 

I went back and forth on the idea. Make a connection with Ashley, or find something else with Tyler.

 

2 things I couldn't juggle with after school.

 

 

Even when I snuck into the pantry at home and ate a bunch of cheez-it's.

 

Stuffing each cracker into my mouth, I thought about how to do it.

 

 

I'm home alone, all by myself.

 

I couldn't have possibly run out of ideas.

 

 

So when it comes to the point, when i'm on the kitchen floor stuffing crackers into my mouth in my clothes from earlier.

 

I shop.

 

 

Reluctanctly, I pick myself up from the kitchen floor. Placing my cheez-it's on the counter than sliding my shoes on at the door.

 

 

I checked my pockets once I shut the door behind me.

 

I had a dollar, probably enough to buy a candy bar.

 

But I had a better plan, like always.

 

 

Taking a step after another, I walk down the sidewalk from my house nearing into the neighborhood.

 

It's a silent afternoon as I trot down to the 7/11.

 

 

It was the main place I went to in times of need, or maybe even an idea.

 

Mom and Dad would search for me down there when  threw a tantrum.

 

 

They always seemed to find me by the big slushie machine. Specifically filling up a jumbo cup with the red cherry flavor.

 

 

My head would be on the counter, laying on my arm.

 

And the other holding the cup.

 

 

Mom would have a concerning smile on my face, and Dad would pay the cashier for my slushie afterwards.

 

That time, everything seemed better.

 

 

And still to this day, I don't know why I always went back to that 7/11.

 

But I just had a feeling.

 

 

And when I opened the door, into the bad lighting and humorous smell, I felt at home.

 

Despite the lack of company.

 

 

I had the slushie to thank you.

 

The one with all the other choices I never liked, except for the red cherry.

 

The milky way bars I always stare at endlessy before reluctantly leaving.

 

 

So when I filled up that jumbo cup, the one with the yellow and blue swirl design.

 

I knew it wouldn't turn out like how I expected.

 

 

Even minutes into laying my head down, staring at the full drink through my thick glasses, I knew they weren't coming to rescue me.

 

 

Mom didn't show up with that smile I always loved to see on her face.

 

Dad with the closed lip and furious look, but confirming that I was okay when he offered to pay for my slushie.

 

 

It was all gone, while I stared at the jumbo cup overfill with the red cherry flavor I loved.

 

Then, I lift myself up. Leaving the cup. 

 

 

Continuing over to the milky way bars, and the other choices I never seem to focus on.

 

And when my fingers touched the outside wrapper, I knew mom was not there to stop me.

 

 

She didn't have control over me anymore.

 

I felt reckless, like iIwas a lonely wall flower in need of help.

 

 

But i'm not longer the baby I used to be.

 

So I grabbed the chocolate bar, hid it under my jacket and stormed out.

 

 

Not even with a little care.

 

The dark gloomy sunset was all I needed as I paced my way back home.

 

 

That night, I kept overthinking. Even when I prepared to just sleep.

 

Tossing and turning, hoping when mom and dad would come back.

 

 

But I knew it'd be a long time before regret pops up on me.

 

The friendship, the candy bars i'd never pay for.

 

 

And most importantly, my normal life.

 

I had it taken away for no reason, or for one I can't seem to remember.

 

 

So I was stuck,....part of the stolen lives club.

Adapt

 

The night we last talked....

 

 

''You're interesting, you're different and I like that.'' she says.

 

 

Ashley fixes the bracelet one more time before getting a full look at me.

 

I'd never think that i'd be going to the school dance with my best friend.

 

 

Through crying in the girls restroom, lunch on the toliet the first day (months ago.)

 

From boys and other things, to broken hearts and happiness.

 

 

We've really been through it all. The friendship we had held on to.

 

It's only November, and yet I still had cold feet on going out tonight.

 

 

Ashely smiles after the thought disappears.

 

 

''You're gonna look perfect, everyone is going to notice.'' she says, brushing hair off my dress.

 

The lights were off in Ashley's room and the only light was coming from the hallway.

 

 

Mrs. Bass was taking a shift tonight at the hospital and it was me and Ashley left to have a ride.

 

Even though it was last minute, we ended up making the choice to walk.

 

 

Besides, the school was not far from where Ashley lived.

 

And the last minute touch was being done.

 

 

Soon i'd break out of these old glasses i've had since 4th grade, and i'd get to be cinderella tonight.

 

But my hair still stayed the same.

 

 

Ashley begged me to change it tonight. She wanted to copy the teen vouge style she saw back in January.

 

I said no, and no matter how many times she showed it to me, I never gave in.

 

 

The frizz and poof, was all I could maintain tonight.

 

And the deep dark blue dress I wore with thin spaghetti straps going down to my toes, was plenty enough.

 

 

The one Ashley had on was a strapless hot and light pink dress with a silver sparkly loop belt underneath the chest.

 

It seemd to suit her brown hair.

 

 

Making her pale freckled face appear beautiful, she barely had on makeup.

 

Only a few strokes of mascara, and maybe a small fill in on her eyebrows.

 

 

And for me, it was a smile rose gold pink color on the lips and highlighter for effect.

 

Ashley had been shopping all week, searching for MAC products, especially for me.

 

 

Her grin is huge and wide before I can realize why.

 

She held out the case for me, and even though I knew it would mess up everything, I jumped for it.

 

 

I smiled and took the case carefully into Ashley's bathroom.

 

She waits hugging on the closed door.

 

 

I can hear her silent breathing as I popped in one and the other. It was hard and watery at first, but soon I got used to it.

 

 

It was better than looking through my glasses all night.

 

I'd finally get to have the vision I always wanted, except for the fact it's Mrs. Bass' contacts.

 

 

But that thought will come in later, when Ashley and I get busted for searching her room.

 

 

Ashley only wanted to help, and I agreed when we found it in Mrs. Bass' bedside drawer next to a bottle of benadryl.

 

 

Me and Ashley sneaked in a few laughs before getting out of her mom's room, then proceeding to her room for the finishing touch up.

 

 

That's where the idea for trying a new look ignited.

 

The fire in Ashley's eyes were promising enough.

 

 

And when I looked in that mirror, I knew this was the night i'd never forget.

 

With a huge smile, i'm out of the bathroom, flipping the light switch off and pulling Ashley behind me.

 

 

She laughs softly following me without a word. Down the stairs we go and out of her house.

 

No matter how many times i'd think Ashley thought why, I suddenly wanted to leave, I just kept running.

 

 

Making the clicks of the 1 inch silver heels Ashely lended me, fall onto the black midnight road.

 

All I could hear was Ashley laughing behind me, as her big smile kept flashing all over her face, one hand holding onto the extra pink tool on her dress.

 

 

And when I looked back at her, I couldn't wipe the moment off my face.

 

The thrill, the cold November air and no regrets that night.

 

 

When we finally reached Bree Woods Middle School, I had to catch my breath before going in with cold feet again.

 

The run seemed to help with the nerves, but then it came flooding back.

 

 

That's when Ashley led me in, holding onto my hand.

 

The same smile she never lets off her face, in the dark lit night.

 

 

I couldn't fight with Ashley's smile, it was too good for anyone to pass up on.

 

And that went on all night.

 

 

With the bouncing music, and dark blue theme, I kept bobbing my head to the music.

 

Assuming that's how everyone did it, but I was wrong that night.

 

 

Ashley bumped into me from time to time while I stood a few feet away from the wall in the gym. Just seconds away near the doors.

 

 

She'd waved to me, get herself another glass of punch even though it tasted more like water. And she had 7.

 

 

And no matter how many times i'd stick out my face and widened my eyes, no one saw me.

 

Nobody wanted to dance with me, even though they could clearly see that I don't have my glasses.

 

 

Even the highlight on my cheekbones didn't work like how Ashley said. Maybe it works better on her.

 

I sighed every minute or so, and kept my hands clamped together in front of me.

 

 

I was getting tired just standing  there and I needed a friend asap.

 

And that's when suddenly it happened.

 

 

Ashley came back with punch in her hand, over to where I stood most of the night. Or the past hour i've been there looking dumb.

 

 

She was silent and there's worry in her eyes, trying to aviod eye contact as much as possible.

 

''Ashley are you okay?'' I asked her.

 

 

I finally got myself out of standing in the corner, bobbing my head , to aid Ashley and what she was upset about.

 

''What happened?'' I asked placing a hand on her arm.

 

 

She looks up, almost flinching. But then she sets her eyes on me.

 

Recognizing my dress and who I was, it seemed like she was in another world.

 

 

Then she's officially gone, just like that, disappearing from the girl I knew.

 

Ashley went back the way she came, holding the drink she never finished in her hands.

 

 

I called after her, trying to move but I couldn't.

 

The heels made my feet sore, and I had no more faith.

 

She was gone and I didn't know why.

 

 

That's when I stood there, waiting, hoping she'd explain why she ran off like that.

 

But that didn't happen for seconds, or even a minute.

 

 

So that's when the exchange happened. The moment everything went upside down.

 

There I was standing, at the school dance, waiting for Ashley to return and she never did.

 

 

I was searching the dancing crowd underneath the blue light, waiting for her.

 

 

I don't talk for a second. I want to cry, wonder why Ashley didn't come back.

 

Where she is. Maybe she left home and didn't want to tell me.

 

 

Either way, I tried to cover up the feeling. Burying it deep inside my head.

 

Then with one finger, I wipe away a tear that almost streamed down my face.

 

 

I don't even know if she's safe? If something happened?

 

Was it my fault?

 

 

I won't know for sure, but I had to forget it.

 

I had to move on. Hoping she'd be okay by Monday.

 

Maybe.

 

 

''Ashley where are you.'' I whisper to myself.

 

My hands held on tight to each other planted in front of my dress as I shut my lips, not wanting to talk.

 

I didn't think anyone would understand. But I continued looking out into the dancing crowd of everyone in the gym.

 

 

Music is still blasting, and everyone looks happy, except for me.

 

Underneath the blue light, wondering where dear Ashley went.

 

And the truth was.

 

Tonight, she was Cinderella.

 

Purple

 

That 6th grade Winter....

 

 

If i’ve learned anything, it’s that in middle school, everything is a fair game.

 

If you lose friends over it, get ready to be friend-less.

 

 

And it's too bad, because it's already been like that for a while now.

 

Ashley hasn't come around on talking to me again.

 

 

Every single day, I get some type of hint that she's really gone. Even though I know she'll come back to me somday.

 

I have faith.

 

 

But what I can't process is why I still have faith.

 

Obviously she doesn't want to see me, or maybe it's because of what happened.

 

Which i'm not so sure about anymore.

 

 

I've heard that Ashley left school to travel with her mom.

 

I've heard that she just wants to completely erase her identity for real.

 

Or that what really went down, is soon gonna bite her back.

 

 

But I don't believe any of those words.

 

Even hearing the news that Ashley isn't coming back to school. At least for a few days.

 

 

I thought it was relief. Soon i'd have my best friend back, but then I realized what might actually happen.

 

She probably won't ever come back, maybe not after a few days.

 

 

Maybe after a few weeks, or never.

 

You couldn't know for sure.

 

 

And I was upset, laying in bed, missing school just for that thought.

 

Aunt Carol would be upset with me for one day, but she'd understand.

 

 

I was worried sick about Ashley. Anybody would feel that way about a friend.

 

I missed my best friend, and I don't know who was the last person she saw or talked to before she lost herself at the school dance.

 

 

That was only 2 weeks ago, but I still can't bring myself to get over it.

 

Who changed her mind? What happened? And why didn't I know?

 

 

I should be furious at Ashley. 

 

But i'm not.

 

 

The only other person who would make her upset, was the only thing she ever dreamed of.

 

Someone special, the one living thing that broke her heart.

 

She obviously wants that person back, but who wouldn’t?

 

 

I just couldn't figure out who it was.

 

Why suddenly the impact on Ashley, leaving her to make the choice and leave school.

 

 

And as I laid there, silently picking the white pillowcase under my head. The plan had completely broken down.

 

There was no more hope for me.

 

 

I'd grow friendless, and this was just my first year of middle school. I couldn't lose Ashley.

 

So that's when it struck me, I can't sit around and mope for days.

 

 

I had to fix this myself.

 

So I got up out of bed, rushed to put on clothes and went out the front door.

 

 

When I knew the problem was me, I just had to get out.

 

Even though the air is nippy and for the first time since October, i'm wearing long jeans.

 

 

I ran all the way down the street, turning to the right. And what was on my mind, is the fact that I never actually tried.

 

I went through the misery of losing a friend so suddenly and I didn't think about the fallout.

 

 

The aftermath, what she was probably doing in this situation.

 

I needed to be the friend Ashley needs right now.

 

 

And I can't waste it being at home, missing school and wondering if she's okay.

 

I needed to get out there and solve it for myself.

 

 

And when my foot hit those steps up to the porch, I could feel the friendship we had mend together again.

 

I knocked on the door, hoping that Ashley would answer.

 

 

Having the excited rush through my bones and the cold nose from the windy December air.

 

Just as I began to shake out the nerves of seeing her again, the door opens before I can knock again.

 

 

It's not Ashley, which makes me drop my smile.

 

Mrs. Bass is silent, staring at me through the screen door. No kind of expression on her face.

 

 

It's as if she saw me again for the first time in years, and I knew the bad news would seep in.

 

''Is Ashley okay....I came to see her.'' I finally spoke.

 

 

I rubbed my two gloves together, mimicking a roll motion as if i'm making a fire.

 

Even after asking, Mrs. Bass didn't break her mystic trance.

 

 

Then she snaps out of it, making me wonder if it was the right choice to come today.

 

''I'm sorry Alex, Ashley needs rest,...she's not feeling well.'' she finally says.

 

 

She turns back into the house, as if Ashley's in the living room, trying to hideaway.

 

I don't respond for a second as I breathe in the cold December air, letting the thought sink in.

 

 

Ashley probably didn't want to see me. Or worst, mainly because it was me.

 

Without another thought, I just turn around.

 

 

Not even letting Mrs. Bass ask or answer why I was leaving.

 

I just walked on my way back home, letting the cold air rush through my face.

 

Letting myself go.

 

 

And as I walked back home, I couldn't help but cry throughout the way as snow fell down.

 

For the first time, in probably weeks, snow had hit Lousiana.

 

 

I held on desperately to myself before opening the front door, letting myself in to rest.

 

I couldn't bare to think or even know how Ashley feels right now.

 

 

I just flip my shoes off of my feet, making my way upstairs. Stinging tears still falling down my face.

 

It was a simple answer, Ashley's not feeling well.

 

 

And I couldn't take it, my poor little heart deserved a better answer.

 

But that was all I could get right now.

 

 

So I think and thought about it for I don't now how long, while it continued to snow outside.

 

Every few minutes i'd wipe my tears and still picture myself at Ashley's place.

 

 

Inside the yellow mellow house I loved, and warm climate. And etheral feeling.

 

I loved Ashley's place.

 

 

It's the one place where we hang out together, that I actually know who I am with her.

 

What I plan to do, how I plan to do it.

 

 

All of it, happened when Ashley was there.

 

And now I just lay on my bed, wondering if she'll come back.

 

 

I watched Ashley and I become closer. One by one, she puts me together.

 

I just can't seem to bring that back so easily now.

 

I'm giving up.

 

Strawberry of Hate

 

In just 3 years, the music will be too loud.

 

And if it's too loud,...than that means i'm too old.

 

 

That was it, the 1st year i'd officially grown up.

 

The music was too low, and I spend my days thinking about nothing other than Ashley.

 

 

But then flash forward a year later, i'm still thinking about her.

 

Then through another year of me giving up, to hoping i'd see Tyler.

 

Wishing that we'd talk.

 

 

But i'd never worked up the courage to, until this November.

 

 

First year of middle school, was great but also traumatizing after I lost my best friend.

 

2nd year, not so much fun. But I survived just in time over the summer before 8th grade.

 

 

Then turning the dial until we offcially stop in this November.

 

Aunt Carol sent me on task to prepare for the thanksgiving dinner we're having.

 

 

She decided to come over to my house and make plenty of food leftover, so she'd know i'd be eating well this holiday.

 

Then going back to her place, which is empty.

 

 

Aunt Carol lived by herself in this amazing small house.

 

I've been there tons of times. And let me tell you, it's better looking in the summer.

 

 

So when the holidays were coming up, I knew I had been stuck with Aunt Carol on shopping duty.

 

That's right.

 

 

Shopping for cherry pies, pumpkin (my favorite) and tons of cans filled with corn.

 

Aunt Carol practically lived on corn for this season.

 

 

I however, dreaded this time of season. Mom and dad promised every year since they left, they'd come back and enjoy it with us.

 

 

But unfortunately, their going to be stuck in hawaii this year. Having a happy thanksgiving without me.

 

Trust me, I know this.

 

Given that a 13 year old can guess if her parents are coming home or not, is miraculous.

 

 

But Aunt Carol tells me to have hope, that they'll come back.

 

 

But I didn't agree, there's a 99% chance that a 13 year old can tell when her parents are coming back or not.

 

And it's me, Alex Carter.

 

 

So with that little fit, i'm stuck shopping for pies. And hopefully, sparkling cocktail drinks that Aunt Carol wants me to have.

 

Since were on the low down on juice, or lack of, my job is to shop for last minute things.

 

As always.

 

 

So i'm slowly walking up and down the aisles, trying to avoid coming home for the sake of my parents is a pretty good plan until i'm caught in it.

 

I planned to just walk into the grocery store, stumble around on some half priced milky way bars, pass the coffee aisle so I can smell the beautiful roast of cappuccinos.

 

I loved passing by and smelling the strong taste of it.

 

 

I'd carry around the ham, Aunt Coral promised I needed to get, just in case we run out at home.

 

And even though I had to fight 2 ladies, well...let's put it this way. 2 neighbors, it was a hard play.

 

 

It was between Mrs. Strome, and Old Woman Yeller. We call her that because she can get pretty nasty with people, for being over 60.

 

 

So between the small fight over the sweet ham, rushing carts full of groceries and the ulitmate fight.

 

I won.

 

So i'm smilng, walking down the coffee aisle, holding onto the last good ham.

 

 

Probably walking a little too happily. Mainly because of my perfectly pinched brown boots I got as an early christmas present.

 

I didn't know exactly who gave it to me, or dropped it off on my doorstep.

 

My dibs were on Aunt Carol, but then it'd be too suspcious for me to know.

 

Besides, I could tell if she bought me anything.

 

 

While I thought about that for a while, I come face to face with a shopping cart just ahead.

 

Before even exiting the aisle, i'm on my heels with my eyes widened. As if I was about to crash.

 

 

But I don't, so I clentch onto my red coat. Adjusting myself before seeing the person behind the cart.

 

 

After several seconds of looking to the right from the open aisle, I finally get to see that face.

 

With a little surprise, I slowly back up preparing for an answer.

 

 

But it's silent between us, so there I am with my mouth a little open.

 

Tyler, pulling on the shopping cart to a hault, before the inevitable crash I almost could of feel.

 

Which reminds me of the ride I took just 4 aisles down, when I fought with Old Woman Yeller on who really needed the ham.

 

And of course I went flying into someone's shopping cart.

 

 

And with that reminder, I reach my hand for the spot where I landed on my back.

 

 

Before I can even talk, I pull back a little of the poofy ends of my hair.

 

Hopelessy trying to remain calm.

 

I had forgotten how long it was when my fingers finally fell to my sides.

 

 

And I could tell Tyler was looking at me while I tried to think of something to say. But I couldn't think with let it snow playing over the intercom.

 

 

All I could focus on was the expression on his face, the half smile/half worry that seemed to put a trance on me.

 

 

''Sorry,....I didn't watch where I was going.'' I said finally.

 

I held onto the ham that seemed to slip out my arms, probably from the excitement I felt.

 

It had been months since we've spoken. Back when I had the gum wad on my hand.

 

 

''You're gum girl.'' he says to me.

 

I look at Tyler, a little surprised. Then I think about why he's saying it.

 

 

And while Tyler pointed out my palm, I knew why I got the quick nickname.

 

''Oh,..'' I say with a little laugh.

 

''Gum girl.'' I say pointing to my raised palm.

 

 

The exact one from that day we had a little chat. Well more than a chat, more like an helping hand.

 

After letting my hand fall to my side, my mouth opens wide before finally replying.

 

 

''I'm just shopping,...for the holidays. Thanksgiving is today, mom and dad aren't going to be home since they're in Hawaii. So, i'm stuck buying the extra ham for my aunt's sake.'' I say.

 

 

''No way, my mom makes me do the same thing.'' Tyler says.

 

I could tell the rushed smile that went to his face, how it lit up when I finished my sentence.

 

Then after a brief say, Tyler reaches into his shopping cart, pulling out the same brand of ham I got.

 

 

With a smile on my face, and his, i'm confident enough to reply.

 

''No way, I thought all of them were out when I  got the last one. I had to fight a couple neighbors, even though I know they won't forgive me." I said pointing to it.

 

Tyler tosses around the ham before it bounces back into the shopping cart.

 

 

''There's luck in knowing Joe, he's friends with my mom.'' Tyler replies.

 

I turn to my right, trying to avoid the next best thing that's going to come out of my mouth.

 

But luckily, this is a great start to knowing Tyler.

 

 

''So?'' I finally reply, turning my head a little too quckily in Tyler's direction.

 

Taking in a deep breath, I look away from him in the direction of the pork rines I always seemed to pass by with disgust.

 

''Have you seen the sale,...on those pies?'' I ask with my voice low, a little nervous.

 

 

Okay, a lot nervous. I lost my confidence and now i'm back to regular ol' Alex.

 

But of course, I don't think she ever left.

 

 

''I'm actually about to grab one on the way out.'' Tyler says pointing that way.

 

Again, there's that smile on my face once he says it. Saving me from the awkward response.

 

 

As Tyler begans turning his way over there, I stop him in his tracks.

 

Noticing something I was too nervous to ask.

 

''Oh my god.'' I say little too loudly.

 

 

Through my thick small glasses, I can see the change and what I never thought would surprise me.

 

Blue hair.

 

 

A very badly done hair dye. And even the way it's styled.

 

Mainly because it was probably been done hours ago, not fully dyed yet.

 

 

I can tell, because Ashley dyed the ends of her hair blue one time and it didn't blend in with the brown hair she had.

 

And it made me think about Tyler from a new level.

 

 

''What?'' he asks, stopping to look at me again.

 

''Your,...hair.'' I say with a little hesitation.

 

 

''Oh this? It's just temporary, I decided to try something besides having red for the holidays.'' he replies.

 

 

Then he's bustling his way to the pies. Probably getting the last one before I can even notice that he's gone.

 

Then, i'd be in a fight for the last pumpkin pie.

 

 

But hopefully I can make it before I realize i'm standing in the coffee aisle, watching Tyler leave me behind as I stand holding onto my extra ham.

 

 

Then it kicks in. I start to take off in the other direction, going back where I came from.

 

But then I stop, thinking of Tyler.

 

 

We had a little conversation. A small laugh, a couple smiles and I couldn't leave that there.

 

I needed to find out how exactly we're going to talk again.

 

 

Or when we'd run into each other again.

 

So this was me, myself and I. ;ooking out for Alex.

 

 

Turning back to where I last saw Tyler leave, I run that way getting to the decorated stands with pies.

 

Layed in blacks table tops and glorious lighting.

 

 

My hand darts for the last pie.

 

Then, out the corner of my eye, I see her. Making a run for it.

 

 

And I see it, the light fading. Hope leaving my hands.

 

I actually had a chance against the old woman, but then it's gone.

 

 

The heroic music, the intense scene. She had the pie.

 

Leaving me to catch my breath from the brirf run.

 

 

''Sayonara suckers.'' she says my way.

 

And then I knew for once, and for always, that I had lost the only pie I could ever get every year to that old woman.

 

She was always there.

 

 

Then under my breath I say it, but then I hear someone else say it too.

 

''Bitch.''

 

 

I turn around at the notice of the voice. It's Tyler, standing with his shopping cart.

 

Looking into the way of Old Woman Yeller making a run for check out. But I don't even look that way, i'm looking at Tyler.

 

 

 

With amazement in my eyes, hopefully undergoing a trance or something i've seen in the movies.

 

But it's all too good to be true.

 

 

So when it passes by, I realize i've probably stares at Tyler when he called my name.

 

I shake my head, looking at him again.

 

''Yes?'' I ask.

 

 

''Here.'' Tyler says.

 

Before even looking down, there's something pushing against my hands.

 

Then I notice it's another pumpkin pie.

 

 

One I didn't think would be around.

 

Without even looking up, i'm staring at the label.

 

''Pumpkin.'' I say, finally looking up at him.

 

 

And with a smile on my face, I look back down at the package, then back up to Tyler.

 

''I kinda saved the last one for you. I knew people would be rushing over, so O grabbed you one and watched the madness happened from a far.'' Tyler says.

 

 

The pounding and fights, and probably crushed no good pies on the floor.

 

But i'm too focused on Tyler to hear the rest of what happened.

 

 

And that smile, the one that couldn't seem to go away, was plastered on my face.

 

After Tyler finally stops mimicking the fight for the pies, more like the fight of the century, I couldn't help but continue to smile.

 

 

Wondering if this was a sign, or if all was good in the world.

 

''Pumpkin is my favorite.'' I finally say.

 

 

I don't even know why i'm saying it. A cute thank you would have ended the conversation.

 

But no, I had just to say pumpkin in my favorite.

 

 

''No problem.'' Tyler replies.

 

Then without another thought, the smile I thought would never come back, showed up just in time.

 

The one with the sparks, showing all the glory in my teeth.

 

''Thank you.'' I say.

 

 

Turning my way to checkout, I walk with the ham I fought for and the pie Tyler fought for.

 

Overall, this was the best thanksgiving experience i've ever had.

 

 

And as I stared down at my pie, a voice calls me out. I turn around almost nearing an aisle. 

 

I see Tyler.

 

''When are your parents coming back?'' he asks.

 

 

I don't even question why he asked, or even why he even noticed any detail about the information beforehand.

 

But it didn't matter anymore.

 

 

I was just happy, for some other reason in a long time.

 

''Soon, I hope.'' I reply back.

 

 

Then, with a small smile, I give Tyler a little wave.

 

After returning one, I finally turn back on my way to the checkout lane.

 

 

Thinking about the pie I never thought would bring a little piece of Alex back.

 

 

And for the rest of dinner, I couldn't stop thinking about the blue hair that Tyler had.

 

Especially for the holidays. I could think of it as a early christmas present, the way I noticed it.

 

 

The matted combed down, crazy brown hair underneath the blue.

 

It was hard to forget. I couldn't even keep my food down without opening my mouth.

 

 

Aunt Carol had to tie a napkin to my neck to keep the food from spilling on my red sweater.

 

And the smile that never seemed to come off my mouth, was planted right on my mouth.

 

 

Aunt Carol kept asking if I was fine, all I ever responded with was a nod.

 

 

I stared so long at the wall, I almost thought I passed out at dinner.

 

Then waking up to see that i'm in my bed, i'm thinking about Tyler again.

 

 

The tightened muscles in my face, so sore that it gave out when I thought about him again.

 

So far, for the first time in so long, I finally saw the light.

 

 

A little light, the one I had been saving for a starry night.

 

But that night was today and i'll never forget it.

 

 

It was the kind of feeling that makes you think, once it's there, it never goes away.

 

Upside Down

 

It's nothing, simply nothing.

 

A sweet nothing I never expected.

 

 

The red hair I fell in love with, is right in front of me.

 

The smile I couldn't seem to break from, is truly before me.

 

 

And with that, I couldn't think to not do it anymore.

 

Biting my bottom lip, I pull my notebook into my lap.

 

 

Taking the pen from the table and letting it ease through my writing.

 

Overviewing what I had so far, and the last one to complete.

 

 

#1. Detach yourself from people that only exist when they need something from you.

 

#2. To the people who call you friend, when they ask you for favors, then leave you afterwards. They don't need to show you their sympathy.

 

#3. Life will have less drama if you keep your circle small. You don't have to be friends with anyone.

 

#4. Pick the people who share the same interest and radiate the positivity that you have.

 

#5. Never trust telling your stories to anyone. Never.

 

#6. The cupcake you think is so sweet, isn't the one that's right. Sometimes it falls, and your worst nightmare from it suddenly collides with your heart. Life, is not like a box of chocolates.

 

# 7. Sometimes you wish you could be 25, with your life figured out and everything in hands. But if the music is too loud, then you're too old.

 

#8. Go to mama, tell her you'll be here, in the corner. The backseat of the car i know you can't afford. But for god's sake don't fall in love.

 

#9. If someone reminds you why, they don't want to be there, don't question your choice. One word, one setence, could make one hell of a difference.

 

#10. To cut through all this worn out leather, you've got to have a hundred million reasons. Don't think it's dumb, because your dancin' in circles, it feels good to be lonely.

 

#11. You may be good at acting like the victim, but soon, it's gonna be time to face reality. Embrace the truth, because people can see through you.

 

 

 

It was complete, the last one. #11 was going to be the confection of the list.

 

It was done, Tyler had completed it.

 

 

In only a short amount of time, the list came alive like a dream.

 

So i'm sitting in the art class, after school smiling and goofing around with Tyler.

 

 

I almost forget why sometimes, but then I remember when it all came together.

 

He found me, hoping i'd be the star child he expected me to be.

 

 

And I accepted, knowing it wasn't worth the trouble.

 

So it started out simple, nothing but a simple suggestion.

 

Then it grew over the beginning of December.

 

 

The chats turned into talking and conversation went on longer than we both thought.

 

I started to smile again, and from that moment I knew it wasn't fate.

 

We came together for some other reason.

 

 

Shared candy, restless ideas and time spent together.

 

We're stuck on each other, me and Tyler.

 

Nothing could separate us, not even his parents or Aunt Carol.

 

 

So from that time, we became, Alex and Tyler.

 

The conjoined couple that's not everyone's goals, but they cheer for us anyways.

 

 

And when I saw her face again, everything came flooding back.

 

 

Suddenly the happy moment spent with Tyler after school, slowly started to fall back into my hell.

 

It was nothing, she just passed by the room.

 

In fact, I didn't even know she stayed after school.

 

 

But the feeling came back. The girl that sat a few stands down who loved sports, one day went through everything.

 

 

And I could see when she passed by briefly with her blonde hair which she kept for more over than a month, was listening to her lost world go on.

 

 

And at that same thought, I started humming the chorus to that song again. The one we used to share.

 

I didn't know who she was or if I would ever see her again, but I hated that we didn't say a word.

 

She didn't say a word.

 

 

And from then on, we just knew. It's over.

 

 

So when I walked through that classroom door trying to find her, I felt as if she was by my side.

 

Hoping that i'd come back again. 

 

During that December, the very december I went to visit Ashley Hope Bass.

 

 

And when she lied about being home, I lost hope. But I had faith.

 

And even more now.

 

 

 

So I searched the hall where I saw her disappear, looking through thick and thin feelings.

 

Winter things and all, making my wish come true. Once and for all.

 

And when I saw her. The face so pale and young, it sacrificed it'self.

 

The idea, the thought.

 

 

When those brown eyes looked into me, I looked back at her.

 

And her sight on me, blurry as hell.

 

 

No sign of a smile, like clouds were circling her head.

 

The same clouds I saw when she left.

 

And in the pit of my stomach, the discomfort in the back of my mind. It sickened me.

 

 

The feeling, what drove us apart. I still don't even know why she gave up on me.

 

Why she left.

 

Her dark brown eyes, and her voice whispering to me.

 

 

I couldn't make out what she said, it was....dimly.

 

 

So when she peered into my eyes one more time, letting the black hue of her clothes whoosh by.

 

I inhaled deeply, swallowing what I would've said.

 

 

Then I feel a pair of hands fall onto my shoulder. I look to my right.

 

 

Seeing Tyler trying to shake me out of the feeling.

 

And I knew it was easy since it's been years when me and Ashley have talked.

 

 

So with the feelings again, the one that can't seem to go away, I walked back to art class with Tyler.

 

 

Leaving behind the answer I always knew would come back again.

 

I focus on her voice, what she said.

 

 

And the smile on her face that never came back.

 

--

 

The cold rush of the snow made me rethink why i'm here.

 

I haven't gone up to those doorsteps since. Ashley's mom said the same thing last time.

 

And it hasn't changed much.

 

 

So when Tyler convinced me after the ride home to confront Ashley, I accepted.

 

It took a lot of convincing when Tyler and Aunt Carol said it was gonna change everything.

 

 

And even though she was driving, I hoped before the moment we pulled up to the house that she'd turn the wheel and drive back home.

 

But she had hope for me and Ashley since we stopped talking.

 

 

Even Tyler too, he didn't know much about our reprised moments in knowing Ashley.

 

And the correct words I think Aunt Carol said were, she could use another friend as a holiday gift.

 

 

Not knowing much about me and Tyler, or the fact we've been a thing.

 

So when that sentence ringed in the car, I was simmering down into a pile of embarassment.

 

 

The truth was, Aunt Carol was probably more of an embarassing mom to me, than mom herself.

 

And when the decision was finally made, I had to get out in the freezing, snowing cold.

 

 

So I looked back seeing Tyler standing outside the car, watching me and so is Aunt Carol.

 

Then I nod my head before continuing up to the steps.

 

 

I knocked twice, just like before. Then the upset thought came again.

 

It would just be Ashley's mother telling me, she'll come around.

 

 

But i've heard plenty of talks between Ashley and her mom in my time. Even Ashley would talk to her own mother during her time of need.

 

So thinking this would change everything between me and Ashley, was harder to swallow.

 

 

Then it opens, fast then in a rush it's sudden.

 

Right in front of me, she's standing there. With a glow in her eyes.

 

The blonde hair I never seemed to understand.

 

 

The saddened look I prayed would go away.

 

So when it came for my turn to speak, I couldn't say anything.

 

No even a sound.

 

 

I could only see the confused, yet reassuring look on Ashley's face.

 

Seeing her in the flesh made me even more nervous.

 

 

And when I couldn't form a word, Ashley smiled. Letting the space between us speak.

 

The happy warm glow and feeling that disappeared years ago.

 

 

Then I begin to smile, letting it overcome my face.

 

Ashley smiles even wider, looking down before finally crossing her arms over her chest.

 

''Hi.'' she says.

 

 

I couldn't help but just stand there, not knowing what to reply.

 

Or how to react.

 

My best friend, or old best friend is suddenly the light of my life again.

 

 

Smiling in front of me, making me fall back into the old ways we used to be.

 

But then I remember, we're only getting older and we can't always go back.

 

 

So we all have to accept the change, at least the good kind of change.

 

And after thinking over and over again, finally it spills out.

 

''Hi.'' I say.

 

Lonely Cities

 

We made a promise, a pact.

 

That during this end of december, we'd leave it alone.

 

 

We've both come far from what we thought on it. It was lovely, and fun.

 

But as promised,....we give it up.

 

 

Me and Tyler have been thinking the same thoughts.

 

Mainly me, because it's my idea.

 

 

It wouldn't last for long. Soon we'd grow with each other or out of each other.

 

Either way, a promise is a promise.

 

 

And so we shook on it at lunch. With me wearing the same red sweater all through out half of december.

 

The hair I had, shaking on it too.

 

 

There's a smile on my face, and also on Tyler's before I gave him one of my cookies.

 

The soft sweet sugar cookies Aunt Carol baked for me.

 

 

It took me back to the memory every christmas. When i'd make sugar cookies with mom.

 

Biting into my cookie, my smile never left as Tyler began to speak.

 

 

''So are you okay with it, us breaking up before the holidays?'' he asks leaning.

 

I finish my cookie before answering, taking a big gulp.

 

 

''Yes, it'll only make it better.'' I replied.

 

Then reaching over for another cookie to stuff in my mouth.

 

''But I don't understand.'' Tyler asks.

 

 

I lean back where I sat, looking Tyler in the eye before briefly speaking.

 

''We both know it wouldn't work out, middle school relationships are meant to be...in the middle.'' I reassured him.

 

 

''But aren't we more than that, just, in the middle?'' Tyler insists.

 

There's a curved smile on his face as the last crumb of his cookie, slips off his fingers and into his mouth.

 

''Not a lot of relationships last long, especially with me.'' I finally said.

 

 

Then, wiping away the cookie crumbs on my fingers, the thought of my last sentence brought back a memory.

 

A terrible one I never expected.

 

 

The feeling of loneliness.

 

Without Tyler, Idon't exist. Without Ashley, I have no purpose.

 

Losing those 2 things in my life can be a challenge.

 

 

Especially since you've learned so much from it as a child.

 

''It's for my own good.'' I finally say.

 

 

The bell rings, letting everyone stand up from their seats.

 

Then with a kick in notice, i'm off, dashing through the hallways.

 

 

Tyler being dragged behind as I make it to my locker. Focusing on the numbers.

  

And then Tyler comes running to my side, as I tried to avoid him.

 

 

''Things were going so well, come on...I deserve to know why exactly you're doing this.'' he says, leaning his arm against a locker.

 

I push in my tin lunch box, still looking away from Tyler.

 

Then with a quick slam to my locker I face him, looking him dead in the eyes.

 

 

''I'm doing this for my own good.'' I said again.

 

This time there's no response or hesitation on Tyler's insisting.

 

He just accepts it, watching me move aside from him, going on my way to class.

 

 

Leaving him to question if that's really my answer.

 

When it's actually not.

 

 

The reason why I wanted us to break up, was because of me. Alex.

 

For the sake of old Alex.

 

Saving myself from the danger, the trust and of course the power.

 

 

The one thing holding me back on my life, i've already lost it with Ashley.

 

I couldn't bear for it to end with Tyler.

 

 

So I had the plan settled out. I'd drive Tyler crazy with the intention i'm not relationship material.

 

Calling and talking to him, being clingy and of course being selfish.

 

 

I tried everything in my power, and he still finds a way to stick around.

 

Which makes my plan even more harder. He was truly something I couldn't let go easily.

 

And I really liked him at this point.

 

 

So then I came up with the bet, the pact.

 

 

By letting me and Tyler break up, I'd be free from the curse.

 

I knew what it was like losing Ashley, so losing Tyler would be harder.

 

He was the only other friend I had.

 

 

And even though breaking up made it hard for Tyler to see why I did it.

 

I still hope that we can be friends.

 

 

Friends that once dated.

 

 

And then the memories kicked in, about our spent time.

 

The 7/11 trips, the constant red cherry slushies he'd buy for me.

 

 

The walk down to his house and we'd sit in the front yard watching over Lambert.

 

Overlooking the sky, and the big tree to our left.

 

 

That was our tree. The tree we planted our little seed of hope in.

 

The one that birthed, Tyler and Alex.

 

 

So with the break-up plan, I knew what might happen afterwards.

 

But I made sure in the time I drove him crazy, he understood what it could do to us.

 

 

So opening the hatch, pulling the lever, sliding the switch down.

 

It made it so easy for me to leave. 

 

 

And an even greater way for me to grow individually.

 

Diamond Heart

 

The words repeat in my head. I have never done this before, but the job sounds simple enough.

 

It's dead, beaten up, one word after another.

 

 

And here I am, in the back of a car.

 

Just watching it continue to fall apart, like none of it's business deserves a little love.

 

 

It sucked, it had to end like this. And it keeps coming back to me. The thought of it all.

 

Wer'e done.

 

I didn't want it to be over, I had so much fight left in me. And he just....gives up.

 

 

So simple, anyone could have mistaken it for an apology.

 

But not me, i'm not no average girl living in Lousiana. I have a heart and purpose.

 

And while those words slipped on my tongue, everything else moved so slowly.

 

 

At first, I thought I was dreaming, but then it seemed so real.

 

The cracks, the whispers, the loud noise and everything in between.

 

 

My thoughts were forever gone. I had no more purpose.

 

A string, named Alex, was cut.

 

 

Hell wanted me back and this time it was a challenge I had lost.

 

 

All for a stupid boy. I lost everything.

 

And when that last string of thought aired, it was done.

 

 

My prayer was answered, my sinner's prayer.

 

We've only been together until the end december, right before school went out for break.

 

We promised it was only going to last over until then.

 

 

Then, it's over. But we went on anyways.

 

Moving up until March, where...well you get the picture.

 

 

I told myself, I needed to get away and I know I had to get out of Lousiana.

 

Which was way out of my comfort zone.

 

 

For a long time I felt almost dead, non-existent.

 

Like, my own worries didn't matter much. Just like any other human being.

 

Walking the face of this earth, with no intentions of change much.

 

 

Then,...it just happens.

 

Your arm comes flying off, your heart becomes another lost soul and the world goes blind.

 

You're left with the thought, I saw the devil...and he made it come true.

 

 

The wish. Everyone's deadly desire to leave,...is real.

 

Just how real? Real enough to realize what you've done.

 

 

And I caused that. One simple mistake over a choice of words.

 

As my eyes search the ground of the dirty old place mats in the car, my lips purse for a second.

 

 

''Did I make the right choice?'' I whispered.

 

''Ya sure did.'' says the man.

 

 

I barely had time to ask for his name or ask why he accepted the ride for me.

 

But before I could answer, the lights go out. That last thing I remember,...is looking at the road.

 

 

Before the road disappears and the sheet of water keeps pouring down, and my ears shoot a pain I can't stand.

 

I then realize,...it's all so true, truly over.

 

 

Nothing but a broken glass, from a broken piece of fire and sand for my glasses.

 

Glasses, that won't see anymore.

 

Sober

 

The month of the accident....

 

 

It's impossible to tell for sure.

 

Is he really looking at me, or is it my tiny mind playing tricks on me.

 

 

Either way, I stand still leaning on my locker.

 

I struggled a few times with it, as always. But I think of another thing to write down on my list.

 

So far, 5 are written and I have yet to write another great one.

 

 

I set my pencil down on the notebook as the words slip out of my fingers.

 

 

#6. The cupcake you think is so sweet, isn't the one that's right. Sometimes it falls, and your worst nightmare from it suddenly collides with your heart. Life, is not like a box of chocolates.

 

 

And when those words hit back on me again, I knew I couldn't do it.

 

Bare to open my eyes, breath,...live again.

 

 

But I was stuck, riding the endless portal the doctors put me in. Twisting my mind, leaving me out of control with my own body.

 

It's not my life anymore. I remember i'm not in school again.

 

I'm on the ground, fighting for my life.

 

 

The ride was bumpy and slick, but I tried my best not to think of the accident.

 

Or more, the crash.

 

 

It hit me all at once, there I was...peacefully making the biggest mistake ever.

 

Then i'm looking ahead. Watching the road turn and bend.

 

 

The lights get closer and then, I can't see anymore.

 

 

It's numb at first, nut then it kicks in.

 

My eyes flash open, bloodshot red. Everything is blurry. 

 

 

Nothing but the grey sky above. The only thing I can focus on.

 

Dizzy thoughts pouring into my mind, i'm shaking my head back and forth.

 

Even though they tell me it's not good.

 

 

But I ignore them. They fasten, tighten and strap me up.

 

It's like i'm being locked away.

 

 

The man, I see from the corner of my mind. Is gone.

 

His line is cut, the people who checked for a heartbeat leave him.

 

 

Gathering, all of them. Staring, in shock, in horror.

 

They pray, they hope i'm fine.

 

 

And still in the depths of my heart and the soulful life that breathed for me, I saw the light, i'm not fine.

 

I'm hurt. So badly.

 

 

My body is in pain, but i'm just still. Being carried into the back of the ambulance by the paramedics.

 

Breathing. In and out.

 

 

Trying to maintain the thought. If I hadn't been that stupid to leave him.

 

If I would have stayed, fought a little longer.

 

 

This sticky situation, would have been nothing.

 

But those are just words.

 

Because blood still stains, even when the sheets are washed.

 

 

That's why all my teeth are rotton.

 

 

A silly girl, with silly boy.

 

And now, he just watches from the sidelines.

 

But I know he's not there, he's home.

 

 

While I suffer. Take the blame, filled with regret. 

 

But it doesn't matter, they work away on me while I stare up at nothing.

 

 

Lights, constantly flashing over me. Machines, taking over my body.

 

My heart aches, but it doesn't give me a break.

 

 

No. It beats trying to keep me alive.

 

And I don't take the notion.

 

 

I just suddenly close my eyes, then I hear loud talking.

 

Saying, stay awake.

 

And I don't care, I just begin to sleep.

 

 

But I knew if I did, i'd never wake up. I'd soon be in heaven, or hell.

 

Wherever I belong. I've lived and now it's my choice.

 

 

Let my lips open and breath again? Possibly not.

 

Think of everything and i'm leaving behind? Nope.

 

 

They test me, sticking pins and needles that don't phase me. I just hear their muffled voices talk.

 

The speed of the ambulance fire up.

 

 

It was an emergency, they tried to save me. 

 

But I don't know for sure. I'm just alseep.

 

 

Blocking the world out, putting the pain I felt aside and letting it take in.

 

Sweet death, the one thing I didn't crave so much. And yet it stings so carelessly.

 

Like chocolate, enduring and satisfying. But it's not sweet anymore.

 

 

It's bitter, it makes me want to spit it out. Swallowing the blood so warm I hate it.

 

Then I knew what would be better.

 

 

A black world full of light, and a soul that exists into forever? Or just...life.

 

Careless, selfish,...meaningful life.

 

 

And now it's mine, that has a impact. Something horrible. Growing inside of me, trying to go wild, breaking my heart inside and out.

 

 

Yet my mind can't help but wonder, home come?

 

Why now? Why this?

 

 

But it's silent. The line goes through, and I see my light disappear.

 

I imagine myself reaching for the last grip on it, but it's too late.

 

 

Then i'm awake. At first, the 2 men who overlooked me making sure i'm alive sit back.

 

Slowly but then, fast. It rolls down my legs. 

 

 

All around, on my face. In my mouth, seeping over my right eye.

 

I don't have my glasses, but I can see clearly where I am.

 

 

My breath quickens, i'm trying to get out. Letting the strap and hold they have me on go loose.

 

But they pull me back, one of them pushes me back a little to rough. My eyes squeeze tight and I feel the gritty flavor of it scour my mouth.

 

Blood.

 

 

The pain doesn't bother me, but I knew it'd kick in some time.

 

And as I tried to fight back, potentially leaving and going back, i'm there.

 

 

Then, i'm quiet, nothing happens. I wonder if i'm dead or if I stopped breathing.

 

But i'm pulled out of the ambulance. Ahead of me, the outside shining bright like the sun.

 

 

I'm no longer awake, i'm stiff and cold. Motionless.

 

I can't breath, but I can see everything.

 

 

And everytime I think, i'm dead, something else pops up.

 

Everything is so clear, and i'm revived.

 

 

But I don't know for sure.

 

Get Lost

 

Their voices keep talking. Telling me.

 

Do you remember?

 

Any memory of light, daylight?

 

 

I can't respond, I just lay still.

 

Motionless for days, watching myself from a distance.

 

 

The nurse who took care of me since the accident stayed by my side.

 

Fighting with doctors, surgeons, and even nurses for god's sake.

 

Hoping and planning to tell them, Alex will be alright.

 

 

I can't even begin to count the days anymore. Even since i've talked to myself a long time ago.

 

I just watch the sun rise, and set.

 

 

Watching the nurse who takes care of me, try every single day on helping me wake up.

 

At first it's useless, then it's so much more.

 

 

On a particular rainy day, I spoke with the nurse.

 

Nurse Nenny.

 

She told me that was her name.

 

 

Holding onto the teddy bear she fascinated about, hoping i'd get to see it one day.

 

Smiling too big, I couldn't stop myself from crying in the distance as I watched in my spirit form.

 

 

Seeing the hope she had in me.

 

Was everything to Alex.

 

So one day, I surprised her.

 

 

Even with a lot of recovery to do with surgery, I worked up all the courage I could to respond back.

 

Even though Nurse Nenny spoke softly, I could make out her words.

 

 

Little by little, I rephrased them into my words.

 

She talked about her niece, Adaline.

 

Nurse Nenny was working late night shifts just for me.

 

 

About the nurse she's friends with, Jackie.

 

About the doctors and surgeons.

 

 

Paul, Max, Lana.

 

And when she said something that caught my attention, it suddenly brought back the life in me.

 

Tyler.

 

 

With that simple word, my eyes shot open.

 

I could see, it was blurry at first but then I could focus.

 

Realizing, i'm not on the sidelines again. I'm not watching behind the ICU door again.

 

 

I'm back in my body, letting the ghost life outside those walls fall behind.

 

At first, I thought it was exciting. I'm back. Alex is back.

 

 

But then, that's all I could think about on repeat.

 

The words, circling my brain.

 

 

My eyes are open, and i'm happy about it.

 

But everything else, inside and outside of me, doesn't work.

 

I can only blink.

 

 

Seeing what's up, and not everything around me.

 

Nurse Nenny was surprised, checking my vitals. The biggest smile on her face.

 

I couldn't see most of it.

 

 

But that was the day she celebrated, right outside the ICU with champagne.

 

She told me.

 

 

And even though everyone else was happy, I wasn't.

 

I was stuck, looking up at the ceiling forever.

 

Wondering if things were gonna stay that way.

 

 

But then, slowly, feelling came back into my hands.

 

Starting at my fingertips, letting my nails course through the blanket over me.

 

Then to my leg. Feeling the fabric of the hospital gown.

 

 

Days had past, and I was getting better at reaching new levels of physical activity.

 

By just a week, I could start walking again.

 

 

Although my neck was strapped up with a brace, the pain eased through.

 

Reminding me what happened. But I kept pushing away the thoughts with smile.

 

With Nurse Nenny to help.

 

 

And after 2 hours of trying to regain my muscle's strength to work, i'm set to rest for the day.

 

Finally hours later, i'd get my neck brace removed. I had been in it since the accident, even on the way to the hospital.

 

That made me smile as Nurse Nenny put me to rest.

 

 

''After that, it's gonna get so much better.'' she says.

 

Pulling my legs up on the bed.

 

I couldn't stop smiling from that point as Nurse Nenny did the usual rotine.

 

 

Check my vitals, heartbeat, see how far i'm into recovery.

 

Then, before leaving me. Nurse Nenny picks up a bear.

 

 

One that was left near my bedside, hopelessy let down.

 

With a thin smile on her lips, she speaks.

 

''This was from your Aunt. She wanted to get you something in case you woke up.'' Nurse Nenny said.

 

 

She hands me the bear gently. Letting my arms cradle the bear into a rest point on my chest.

 

I didn't smile, or knew how to respond.

 

I just stared at the bear, wondering if the lifeless soul I had for days came back.

 

 

Those restless nights, i'd spend roaming the empty halls in the hospital.

 

Wondering if I was dead or not, but finding out i'm just living on the outside.

 

Wanting in, but never coming out.

 

 

So that day, I held the bear close,almost squeezing the life out of it.

 

Thinking of Aunt Carol, Tyler and everyone.

 

What I missed and how it possibly came together.

 

 

The whole mishap.

 

The year of the gap.

 

 

From thinking i'd lost hope with the help of Aunt Carol.

 

To the friendship that still can't be glued together again with Ashley.

 

And from the new americana built up with Tyler.

 

 

Back to the love from everyone, still hoping they'd bring old Alex back home.

 

 

Nurse Nenny talked a lot about everyone.

 

Especially my visiting hours.

 

 

She said everyone came by.

 

Aunt Carol, just once.

 

Tyler, plenty of times.

 

But not Ashley.

 

 

Even when I asked Nurse Nenny to check the listed names, Ashley Bass was never writen down.

 

So with that little hope, I passed through.

 

 

It seemed like forever in my mind. But in as little as 2 weeks, I was back to regular Alex.

 

Moving again, spriteful life.

 

The same small chatterbox in the hospital everyone kept their prayers on.

 

 

So that day, when Nurse Nenny told me that i'd be going home soon.

 

I made the best out of those last few days.

 

 

I wondered down the halls at night, just once for old times sake's, visiting the gift shop.

 

And seeing the bear Aunt Carol got for me, put on display.

 

 

I helped with rounds, adding up numbers with Nurse Nenny.

 

And we even had a little pizza party. Just me and her.

 

We sat with crossed legs on my bed, eating pepperoni pizza and painting our nails pink.

 

 

Talking about everything, and I knew life would only get better from there.

 

Because that accident was a wake up call.

 

 

Even though the fight between me and Tyler was about us and me blaming him for the forgotten friendship with Ashley, I decided to let that go.

 

The car ride out of Lousiana, was a mistake.

 

 

Taking Aunt Carol's words carelessy, regret.

 

Hoping everything with Ashley would come back, gone.

 

 

But I still had hope with me.

 

Thinking of that bucket list I made. Reviewing the words.

 

All 11 of them, fulfilling my purpose again.

 

 

So when I stepped out of the hosptial, through those automatic doors.

 

I became a whole other person, the one with great memories.

 

And even greater memory to take them all.

 

 

Throughout the last year, in a flash.

 

Something magical along the way, sparked something in me.

 

 

The damage was done and I had survived the most.

 

But recovery was something up to me.

 

 

And I pulled through it.

 

That's how I grew up to love myself. 

 

And before things changed for me.

 

 

But of course, there was once this boy who would stand up in front of the whole class and tell the world how beautiful I was. 

 

 

Middle School, the word that I dread the most.

 

Probably the worst 3 years of anyone's life, it's miserable yet strange.

 

  

The girl next to me who loved sports was on the stands and one day searched through her mp3 player.

 

So I was stuck,....part of the stolen lives club.

 

 

Either way, I tried to cover up the feeling, burying it deep inside my head.

 

Through crying in the girls restroom, lunch on the toliet the first day, months ago.

 

From boys and other theories, to broken hearts and happiness.

 

 

Inside the yellow mellow house I loved, warm climate and etheral feeling. 

 

 

In just 3 years, the music will be too loud.

 

And if it's too loud,...than that means i'm too old.

 

 

So we all have to accept the change, at least the good kind of change. 

 

With hope, just like everyone taught me to do and have.

 

 

And an even greater way for me to grow individually. 

 

My prayer was answered, my sinner's prayer.

 

 

Because blood still stains, even when the sheets are washed. 

 

Americana

 

The summer I forgot what she said...

 

 

I was worthless, they said ugly things.

 

Hoping i'd disappear.

 

But I stuck around.

 

 

Letting myself go this summer.

 

I'd ignore what they had to say.

 

So I made my own decision.

 

 

In the pink tank top, white shorts and hippie sunglasses mom rarely wore.

 

I marched my way down the empty afternoon streets.

 

 

Making the promise come back to life.

 

This was my summer before 8th grade year.

 

 

Sure, it was slow and motionless in June.

 

But after the 4th of July, it was my calling.

 

Aunt Carol thought it was a great idea.

 

 

I'd finally stop spending my time roaming up those small tables at the new record store.

 

Hoping i'd come across new music to feed my soul.

 

So I came to do myself a favor, a big favor.

 

 

Walking down the middle of that street, with no care.

 

It was my biggest return.

 

 

So with a twist on the back door handle, I enter into Ashley's house.

 

I see her quietly perched near the island.

 

 

Dressed in nothing but an extra large t-shirt.

 

A brownish yellow, with falling blue hair over it.

 

I'd figure she'd keep it over the summer, maybe it'd last over September.

 

 

Her skin is pale and light when she turns to me, with the same lifeless look on her face.

 

I feared Ashley didn't recognize me.

 

 

I'd spent my good summer in bed, sleeping over thoughts.

 

With messy hair that somehow matted it's way into the style it was.

 

And the careless look on my choice of clothing. No food in my system, eating way my figure.

 

 

Especially the sandels.

 

I look down at it for a second, as I draw the sunglasses I wore off my face.

 

 

''Good to see you Ashley.'' I said softly.

 

Walking my way over to her as she turns her way to me.

 

 

''Same about yourself.'' she replies.

 

Ashley turns back to the island, finishing up the spread of mayo on her sandwich.

 

 

Turkey, with a little mustard.

 

Packing the bread back into it's plastic bag, Ashley turns to me.

 

Leading the way to the pool out back.

 

 

We both sit in silence, feet in the water, seeing the sunset reflect over her house onto the white marbled walls closing out the trees and small bushes.

 

''Hot weekend huh?'' Ashley finally says.

 

 

We've been quiet for several minutes, and I knew i'd eventually come back to it.

 

Our little mishap, the connection we lost.

 

 

So I finallly speak.

 

''Why did you leave me at the dance?'' I ask, turning my head to Ashley.

 

 

We both chose to sit in the lawn chairs. Planted near the edge of the pool surrounded by pool noodles everywhere.

 

I turn my head back over to look at the bushes.

 

After a brief silence before she talks.

 

 

''I found out, the one person I had been crushing on, was leaving.'' she says.

 

She doesn't look or even turn my way, she's in a trance.

 

As if it's her way of talking.

 

 

''Why didn't you come to me, we could of talked about it-'' I start.

 

''I know, but I wanted to go through the heartbreak alone.'' she interuppts.

 

 

Then it's silent again, letting her last words seep in.

 

''I told you about Jeremey right?'' she finally says.

 

''Yeah.'' I answer.

 

 

''Well,...he was the one I was upset about. Jeremey told me that night he was moving to New Jersery. I tried to convince him to stay and finally decide to go out with me.'' Ashley starts.

 

Then I turn my head back to see the look on her face.

 

She's biting her bottom lip, looking dazed at the pool.

 

 

''But he had to leave, which made me upset. And when you asked me what happened,....I realized.'' she says.

 

 

Then finally turning to me, with wonderless eyes. She speaks.

 

''I had fallen in love with my best friend.''

 

 

And the moment of truth, sucked in the soul I wanted to retrieve.

 

It brought out the worst to see her like this.

 

 

The upset looks, missing days at school.

 

I never knew all along.

 

 

But I told myself, within just a few months, that i'd forget.

 

It was kinda like that for me.

 

Sometimes it'd come back in bits and pieces, like the time I met Ashley.

 

 

I know most of how it went down, but not how it progressed over time.

 

And hearing those words from Ashley,...I just knew i'd forget the truth.

 

 

Why we broke apart.

 

But it was worth it in the end to know why.

 

To confront myself.

 

 

So I picked myself up, said my goodbyes.

 

Knowing, in another life. Me and Ashley would be reunited.

 

 

It wasn't much fun for us to be friends again, but I had hope she'd be happy.

 

So letting go was what I did best.

 

And the look on her face, was good enough.

 

 

We'd break up, no longer cling to each other. Just like in the 5th grade.

 

But we'd keep the memories.

 

Knowing, the connection would burn out.

 

 

And another love would sprout again.

 

But this time, it wouldn't be with Ashley.

 

 

That afternoon. Something else made an appearance in my life when I left Ashley's house.

 

The feeling of writing.

 

 

All this mapped out feeling, had me thinking. This would be a great guide for someone in my shoes.

 

For the story of Alex Carter to be told.

 

 

But how.

 

So I thought and I thought, making the walk home slow.

 

Until it came to mind, that I'd make a list.

 

 

One to fufill my dreams, and one to give advice.

 

Both to me and somebody else one day.

 

 

So that was just it. Over the summer I laid and thought.

 

Feeling my summer days drift away as the last dreaded year of middle school started.

 

 

Letting things go, and loving what's next.

 

 

When those last words slipped out of my mouth, I knew exactly what I meant by it.

 

When you lose something, or someone...it's awful.

 

But when you look at yourself, there's nothing else you could lose.

 

 

People claim to over-exaggerate on loss or under serious conditions, is life changing.

 

Yes, of course is it.

 

But nobody knows what it's like through the minds of the young.

 

 

You lose your body, your life. Soul and heart.

 

 

But most importantly, as always,....you lose yourself.

 

The one everyone had feelings for, the one everyone loved.

 

Yourself, through it all.

 

 

Beating hearts, and closed thoughts.

 

We all worry for the ones we care about, and it's time I care about myself.

 

 

So through stinging tears and words, I lift myself up from my spot on the bed.

 

Letting, Alex, sleep and think about it.

 

 

Having my words flow through my head, creating a memory on it for sure.

 

Or at least one to save.

 

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 12.03.2017

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