Short story of my life

WARNING SELF_HARM PICTURES MIGHT BE TRIGGERING TO OTHERS CAUTION IS ADVISED THANK YOU
Have you ever wondered why kids, adults ect, self-harm? What is it that makes kids and adults want to hurt themselves and why?

For Example, family. Sometimes families are overwhelming or stressful depending on the family; but when it’s an abusive family or a family that doesn’t care about their children’s well being the children will try to seek for help. Teenagers that have to deal with abuse on the daily or depression ect will try to find help but get shut down immediately. The only thing that the teen’s will find helpful would be a razor to the wrist. It’s a way of coping and sometimes it’s a plea for help. It’s not attention seeking it’s asking for help when you feel like you can’t ask the people you trust and love. It’s hard.

Why do you do that to yourself? Let it out. Your just an attention seeking whore. don’t you want to live? do you like hurting yourself? harming yourself not only hurts you but also hurts those who care about you.

These are all the questions people have said to me whether it was online or face to face. Before you ask or judge a person you should really think before you say or do it. Do you know how it feels to be torn by not only someone you trusted but also loved? Have you ever wondered how it would feel to be lost, or depressed, to feel like you can’t go anywhere, feeling like your trapped never to escape it. To feel like your nothing, unworthy of love, that you won’t be able to escape the feeling of loneliness. Then suddenly the urges come and go urging you to cut yourself, you cut light at first then deeper as you go. I have. Depression is like one big black hole, it lears you in and then grabs you. After it pulls you in, you can’t escape it no matter how hard you try. So after realizing you can’t escape you spend countless nights crying to yourself and pleading god to make it go away before you fall asleep. You isolate yourself in your room. You feel like you don’t have any energy to do anything. Your constantly hoping things will get better but also wondering if it ever will. The worse part? You finally start to get happy again, but before you could blink an eye depression pulls you back in. You wonder does it help to self harm? Well I’m not going to lie, it dose but only for a short amount of time. wonder what it feels like so you could understand why we do it? self-harm for me was like a drug, When I cut, it felt like I was strong enough to endure all the pain and suffering I was going through, it felt like a high, it was as if I was high off of drugs. It’s like a adrenaline rush. When I self-harmed I wanted to see how much it would bleed, the pain is such a rush for me. Anxiety for me was exhausting for me.

My depression started when I was about 15 years old; it was right after my birthday. Sad I know. My anxiety was always there from the beginning. Life for me was extremely hard and still is to this day, I have autism it’s not as bad, but I do struggle with alot of things. When I was about 8 years old my biological father would get high,drive a car without a license and car seat with me in it, have sex in the room next to mine. He then suddenly disappeared for three years, then came back and wanted to be a dad. At that time my mom was married to my step father Rick Tuttle. Life was great for a little bit. Till I was 15 years old. I had a phone and I was texting a guy “Named” Chris in PicsArt. we started to date. Chris asked me to send explicit pictures to him, I had a deep gut feeling it was my step father I was talking to but I brushed it off, thinking he would never do that. Little did I know it was Him and I already sent the pictures because he manipulated me into doing it. When my mother was out of the house and it was just me and rick he would touch me in places I didn’t want being touched. My mother found out that he was catfishing me but she didn’t know about the pictures. she kicked him out. When she told me he was chris My heart just dropped to the floor. Weeks later my whole family forgave him once he moved back in. He cornered me in a room told me to not say anything, and that if he had lost me and my mom he would of commited suicide; he also said in his own words “just so you know I didn’t see any of the pictures” thinking to myself I wondered if he didn’t see them then how did he know I sent pictures? next few years were okay I didn’t tell anyone about what happened. when I was in 7th grade I had lost a friend that I knew since 5th grade to suicide. Avery Thompson was 13 years old when he died. A bully at the school I went to with Avery would bully everyone who wasn’t popular. Including me. One day the bully came up to Avery and told him to go kill himself. The next day he was gone. Till this day I felt guilty for his death because I saw what was happening, but it looked like Avery didn’t need help. I wish I told someone that Avery was being bullied. After everyone at school was in shock or crying, I on the other hand wasn’t crying or in shock. I felt guilty that I didn’t ask for help. the guy that bullied Avery went to juvenile jail for a week or so came back thinking he was so cool.

Anyway after that I moved on with life. I had a crush on a guy in 8th grade. One day on october 29th 2018 he told me he liked me too. we flirted a lot but I wasn’t allowed to date yet. Days went on, I wasnt the only girl named kylah. I didn’t really like the other kylah because she was just really gross, dressing like a hooker. One day at school he was flirting with the guy I liked she was his ex. I got really jealous not meaning to, to calm down I would brake pencils and throw them around them.

After that class was almost over, the girl with my name came over with the pencils I broke looked at me and told me ” I guess your name wasn’t good enough” smiling and she walked away from me as I ran to the bathroom crying so hard I couldn’t breathe. After that I went home heartbroken. My step father was never the same after that incident. I went to my 8th grade dance, It was the last dance of the year. We planned I would stay for and 1 hour. After the hour I didn’t know rick was there to pick me up. Rick was pacing back and forth by the fence like an animal, he was yelling my name. I never heard him say my name. He was pissed. I didn’t know why I wasn’t doing anything wrong. I wanted to enjoy my time with my friends. A month past it was summer. I turned 16 years old on june 10th. another month passed. we moved to Salt Lake city. We lived with my brother and sister in law. From that first day of school I coped correctly and safely. A week passed and I was so stressed and angry with my teachers. I got home waited till that one night and picked up a razor. I felt relieved, free when I made that first slice on my left wrist. I was depressed I felt like I couldn’t breathe I felt like an animal trapped in a cage. The only release I could get was to self-harm. I cried and cried as I sliced multiple times over and over on my legs. I hated myself for everything. I felt worthless, unloveable, annoying, lonely, suicidal, stupid,ugly. I felt like I deserved to die, I deserved to be in pain, to suffer I deserved it all. I self-harmed everywhere on my legs and arms.

Year of self-harming Rick knew I was harming myself, no one else knew. I loved him as a father figure, I knew him since I was a baby, But I also hated him for doing things to me. He got closer and closer each day, he would smack my but, one time he almost kissed me but I backed up confused to what he was doing. My mom found out and took me to the hospital. I hated her for putting me in there I felt abandon. I was terrified. It was my first time being away from my family. So you could imagine how I felt when I had to stay for 5 days alone. The first time My mom and Rick visited me I was happy to see them, I wanted them to take me home. When they left I had a huge panic attack. Each night I would cry myself to sleep. I hated being there, They made me hide my self-harm cuts from the other patients.

I really didn’t care at that time, I just wanted to leave. I didn’t want to hide my cuts anymore. I thought to myself ” well then they shouldn’t look at my cuts then if it triggers them” I only said that because I was angry. I got home and went to a therapeutic school. I was terrified. I had extreme trust issues with new people but also with men. When I got comfortable I started to trust my therapist. I told her about what happened between me and Rick and went home, now I really don’t remember how the conversation went to me telling my mom about what rick did to me. All I know is that she forced me to tell her what happened, she wouldn’t leave me be so I had to tell her. I had kept the secret in for 10 months I think. That’s my story.

Please let me know if you ever need someone to talk to I’ll be here for you all

Impressum

Texte: https://selfharmrecovery17.wordpress.com/2020/09/23/getting-to-know-the-real-me/
Bildmaterialien: https://selfharmrecovery17.wordpress.com/2020/09/23/getting-to-know-the-real-me/
Cover: Midnight Moon
Lektorat: https://selfharmrecovery17.wordpress.com/2020/09/23/getting-to-know-the-real-me/
Übersetzung: Midnight Moon
Satz: ??
Tag der Veröffentlichung: 24.09.2020

Alle Rechte vorbehalten

Widmung:
dedicate this to my family, they have always been there for me through hell and back i love you all thank you