Meagan Brewer
Looking for Mr. Right

Saturday, January 3rd, 2010

I woke up with the worst hangover this morning. My hair was a knotted mess of dark tangles and I had raccoon eyes that made me jump when I caught my reflection in the mirror. Thank God, I woke up alone or I might have scared someone else with my bed-face catastrophe!

Last night I wore a tight black dress with spaghetti straps and I had gone for the seductive smoky look with my eye shadow, which was beautiful with the silky red lipstick I had bought recently. I was smoking hot when I walked out the door, but this morning I can hear my mother’s voice, ‘Meagan you should wash your face before bed, it’s what all pretty girls do to keep from looking old before their time.’

Mom, get out of my head!

My dating history is full of what I call, false ups, and truly drastic lows. Last night, my date with Bob from accounting topped my list of truly drastic lows. He started crying at dinner while talking about his ex-wife. I tried to comfort him, but that made it worse and then, all I could think about was how badly I wanted to run out of the restaurant. Besides his crying, there were a couple other impressions that turned me off. First of which, he was balding (a little detail Charlie forgot to mention) and secondly, he was overweight, he probably sat in front of the T.V. using his beer gut to hold his plate of food, which would explain why he kept staining his shirt with sauce.

I thanked him for the dinner as politely as I could and told him I hoped everything worked out for him, and then, thankfully, caught up with Terra at a local club. L.A. always has something fun going on all hours of the night and Terra knew all the best places to go. We had so much fun dancing all night, but my headache was evidence that I went a little too far with the Goldschläger.

As I cleaned my face, I wondered why I allowed Mr. Charlie Fredrickson to convince me to go out with someone from the office. I promised myself last year, after Hector in purchasing that I would never date another co-worker. That debacle was memorable for all whom witnessed the Spanish rant he gave me about not accepting his roses the next day. The guy tried to put his hand down my pants when I hugged him goodnight. Ewe! Mr. Pervert!

Unfortunately, I believed Charlie when he said Bob was a nice guy, and he was nice in a wimpy-sad-puppy way. However, Balding Bob is not my type and I had thought Charlie knew me better than that.

Note to self: Do not allow Charlie to hook you up with anyone else.

Besides, Charlie is usually dating two women at the same time, this week one of them is a hot executive from the office and the other one he met at a local bar. They never lasted long, maybe a week or two, and then he would move on. Why did I ever think he could set me up with someone decent? He’s the kind of person that is better for advice about why guys do what they do and what they really want from a woman.

M.B.

Saturday, January 9th, 2010
I met a guy online a few days ago named Shane. From his pictures online, he has a smoking hot body, he says he likes rock-climbing, walks in the park, and enjoys Italian food. I’ll be seeing him tonight and I’m so excited I can hardly decide what to wear. I tried my girls, but all I got were their voice mails. I decided to call Charlie. He knows how to calm my nerves and help me think straight in my frazzled state of excitement. I bet he suggests a big glass of wine…

I am feeling comfortably warm now from the wine and of course, Charlie is my savior. He helped me to decide on the black dress I wore to the Christmas Party last year. He sarcastically joked about how under the right lighting that I could have Rodeo Drive legs. He told me that I should stand under all hanging lamps, preferably those above the tables or bars. Of course, if I wanted the highest impact, a street corner could get me some real buzz, which from him is a compliment given in his own way. His blithe sarcasm lightened my mood and that’s exactly what I needed. I sipped my glass of wine while he joked about my many “charms” and that I should consider not talking too much. I wasn’t nervous about how I would look, but rather if this guy was a winner, or just another loser I was dressing up in stilettos for tonight. I saw so much potential from his profile. If I were being honest, I was bordering desperate for a false up. It’s so pathetic, I know and truly, I shouldn’t be writing it down. I’m crossing my fingers that this is Mr. Right.

I am thankful to have Charlie, my Go-To Guy, he knows just how to console me and listens better than most men I know, and I don’t have to worry about him trying to sleep with me. Not that he isn’t attractive because he is and he knows it. I met Charlie, Mr. Wanna-be-Smooth at a club the night before I started at the office, and let’s just say that he didn’t think he was going to see me again. When we saw each other at the office, he actually apologized for his behavior, but I assured him that the bad pick-up lines were his real problem. From then on, we fell into a rhythm of something like a sibling rivalry with dating and sarcasm. He has become my insight to the man's side of things (not that I always listen), while also claiming to know women better than me. Whatever, I think I have a better perspective on woman, being that I am one.

M.B.

Monday, January 11th, 2010

Disappointed!
Charlie said I came on too strong with Mr. Biceps the other night and that’s why he hasn’t called. The whole ‘He’s just not that into you Meagan’ cliché is pissing me off. Come on, just because I told him that I wanted to tie the knot one day and have three kids. I wasn’t pressuring him into marriage; we were only talking about what we wanted.

Well, fine Mr. Biceps don’t call me! Besides, he kept telling me why I shouldn’t eat what was on the menu. Why did he choose an Italian (his favorite cuisine, per his profile) restaurant if he couldn’t eat the food? Did he want a double protein shake with a side of steroids? Bite me muscle man!

I’m glad he didn’t call, but I’m not going to admit that to Charlie, he would gloat all week and I cannot give him the satisfaction. He was already gloating about his last model/actress he hooked up with this weekend, but of course, he didn’t call her back. I rolled my eyes the minute he mentioned getting her roommates number while he was there. Men!

M.B.

Friday, January 15th, 2010

I am taking my profiles off these stupid dating sites. No more pond scum for me because I seem to attract floaters. These drifters, losers, and mama’s boys and I don’t know how much more I can take.

This afternoon was the final straw. I met a guy for a mini-date at a coffee shop. Brandon, The Bum hadn’t had a job longer than three months and still lived with his dad, both details he failed to mention when we chatted on-line. He spat when he spoke and I don’t think he had had a haircut since his profile picture was taken. When he asked me to buy his coffee, I knew it was not going to be the ideal date, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt because he said he had been so nervous about meeting me that he must have forgotten his wallet. It’s too bad he talked about himself the entire time, until of course I interrupted him to tell him I needed to use the ladies room.

I let him watch me walk out the door.

Charlie laughed when I called to tell him about leaving Brandon, The Bum at the coffee shop. He met me at the movies to catch a black and white. A bag of popcorn and a soft drink always makes me feel better. We meet up once or twice a month to do this, always because my dating life had hit a stupor. In truth, Charlie was one of my best friends, though he

would never admit it. It was nice to have someone there, even if half the time I thought he was a man-whore and we fought like siblings. He could make a woman happy if he could ever settle down. I only knew about one long-term relationship he had with a girl named Shannon and six months into their engagement, she packed her bags and left. I think it… no, I know it hurt him.

M.B.

Saturday, January 16th, 2010

I had a great time with the girls tonight; we hung out at a club and danced our bums off. There is nothing like girl time and eye candy to boot. The night would have ended better if Kristy and Terra hadn’t picked up some guys and rode off into the great beyond. I went home in a taxi. Alone.

It’s probably better this way. Men are a crapshoot for me lately and by lately I mean, the last six years. My last long-term relationship was with Jake and he was cheating sack of… I don’t miss him. I don’t miss having someone undependable or that uses me for my paycheck. No, not one bit.

Well, I do miss having someone here when I get home for Friday night pizza, having someone to share Sunday morning IHOP breakfast with, and I miss the warmth of a body in my bed. I used to cuddle up along Jake’s side when I got cold. I remember how he hated it when I pressed my cold toes to his legs.

Now, I wear two pairs of socks and they twist when I sleep. I miss the little things, but not him.

M.B.

Friday, January 29th, 2010

Kristy convinced me to go on a blind date this weekend with a guy that her girlfriend from college knows. I know I’m a stupid girl

! However, Kristy was convincing and it couldn’t hurt to go on a date with a man named John Stanley, it sounded like a strong name. The most convincing viewpoints Kristy offered with her caffeine induced enthusiasm was that he had a great job as an executive at a firm in L.A.; he lives on his own, owns two cars, and he’s single, which sounds better than the last ten guys I’ve dated.

When I told Charlie about my blind date and the prospect of a decent guy on the horizon, he joked about what I would call this guy by the end of the night. Mr. Executive, Mr. Moneybags, or Mr. I-Own-This-Car-Because-I-Have-a-Small… we’ll leave it at that. I laughed and stuck my tongue out at him.

M.B.

Saturday, January 30th, 2010

I’m getting ready for this blind date, but I’ve been calling Charlie and he hasn’t answered his phone. He might be working late, but then, I know he would call me back. Maybe, he’s on a date and I am ruining it for him, so he put his phone on silent. I wonder if the hot executive from the office caught onto his game and was making his life a living hell. She may be a psycho-revenge seeking executive, ready with rabbit in hand like Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction and these days, you never know.

Well, it’s almost time to meet my blind date and my nerves are starting to center their force in the pit of my stomach. Only this time they’re nerves of excitement.
M.B.

Sunday, January 31st, 2010

Perfection! That is the word for last night. I could kiss a frog today and I do believe he would turn into a prince. I am so ecstatic about John Stanley. I could be Meagan Stanley. It sounds like a ranch girl name, but Mrs. Stanley is somewhat stately. Oh, dear diary! How trite that saying is, but how fitting it is today. Let this entry be a testament that there is hope in the world for a girl like me to find a truly wonderful man.

John spoke of his huge family with warmth. He talked of himself with humility and listened when I spoke. We have loads in common as far as music and movies, except he doesn’t like black and white films, but I can make do. John is also an avid hiker and nature enthusiast.
I like to walk outside… maybe just as far as my mailbox and back to my front door. It’s the bugs. I hate mosquitoes. In addition, I’m not too fond of wild creatures like raccoons and possums because they freak me out. John could protect me from wild beasts though.

John's gorgeous too, I keep picturing the way his gray v-neck sweater hugged his broad chest. His light brown hair was perfectly styled, neatly feathered on each side with a soft wave over his forehead that fell naturally to the right, very GQ. He facial features reminded me of Clark Kent and I imagined him in a red cape and tight blue suit. He would make a perfect Superman and I’d be his Lois Lane…

One of the many features that made last night magical for me was his blue eyes, they are pools stars dance in, and I felt as if I were in a dream. Oh, I feel like a princess in a fairytale…

Even the kiss was perfectly sweet…so sweet that I couldn’t think straight for fifteen minutes after he left.

M.B.

Monday, February 1st, 2010

Today, I told the girls about the date from heaven and they are ecstatic for me. After last night, my whole outlook has changed; everything seems more colorful and brilliant. It’s such a relief to have something good to look forward to and I’m walking on clouds! I wish Charlie were around today so that I could tell him. I hope my phone calls didn’t cause trouble or that he was able to survive the rabbit killer executive.

Side Note: Kristy announced that she is officially dating the guy (Josh) she picked up from the bar the other night. Terra is talking to her ex-boyfriend again, The Married Guy. She always falls for his sweet talk and ends up hurt. He has a kid too, but she still doesn’t see why it won’t ever work, no matter how many times he strings her along or how many times we tell her, it’s never going to go anywhere, she goes back. She’ll see one day and until then, Kristy and I are here for her no matter what.

Date time! Please do not say anything stupid… stay Mr. Perfect.

M.B.

Tuesday, February 2nd, 2010

Johnny was so sweet last night. He give me a bouquet of flowers when he picked me up, took me to dinner, and then we caught a show in Hollywood. We talked about all kinds of things at dinner; I was impressed with his focus and drive at work. The whole night was perfect, he said all the right things, opened doors for me, guided me with his hand on the small of my back, and made me feel as if I were someone special, someone important, and he was proud to have me with him.

I would have slept with him, but I remembered what Charlie once said about making a guy wait a little while, and his side note on the matter was that I shouldn’t wait too long or he would lose interest. I hope it works with Johnny because I think I am seeing a future with him.

I can envision a white picket fence and our children playing in the yard with our dog whose name is Happy. At the Humane Society, we found his sad little face impossible not to love. Our house is in the suburbs, we have the kindest neighbors, and we hang out with them on the weekends. I run to and from soccer practices and ballet recitals before I make dinner for Johnny and finally we spent our quiet time making love to each other.

Bliss with Mr. Perfect!

M.B.

Wednesday, February 3rd, 2010

Still walking on clouds today and I feel even more elated because Charlie is alive! He has been so busy with a project that I haven’t seen him since my first date with Johnny. I also found out he had to play hookey the other day to hide from the hot executive because she found out he was talking to other women and by found, I mean snooped. She looked through his cell phone and confronted him about all the calls. Even mine. Ha! Drama!

It didn’t matter to him because he was going to break it off soon anyway. With a bit of annoyance at the edge of his eyes he admitted to parking his car in the next parking lot across from our office just to be safe.

Never-ever… ever-ever

, date someone in the office.

Well, I have to get ready for my third date with Johnny, more to come.

M.B.

Sunday, February 19th, 2010

I’ve been too busy with Johnny to write much lately. We are so right for each other! Everyday seems to hurt with the happiness of it. We have a rhythm; we meet practically every night at my place for dinner and watch our favorite shows.

I didn’t wait; I couldn’t keep myself from waiting to sleep with him. On our third date, I folded to his charm… and those blue eyes. There is never a disappointing moment with him.

Tonight, I have time to write because he’s working late. He called me last minute to cancel our plans and I didn’t feel like going anywhere.

I haven’t talked to Charlie as much, but I have been so consumed with Johnny that I don’t seem to have time. Last time we spoke, he was still playing the field as much as ever. Luckily, for him, the hot executive didn’t give him grief at work because she was more frightened that he would spread her ‘secret sexual cravings’ around the office. He was parking in our car lot again. He admitted that I was right about not dating someone at work. I gloated for a minute or two by popping a mint chocolate in my mouth, refusing him a single piece.

M.B.

Wednesday, March 31st, 2010

Two months of bliss and now this… Johnny has been working late (the past two weeks, three days and even both weekends, not that I’m counting) and he doesn’t text me as he used too. When before he would send me the sweetest texts about how he missed me or how beautiful I was, or how he couldn’t wait to see me.

Before he started working so late, things felt like they were getting serious, we talked about vacationing together, and once he sent a text stating he thought we should live together. I didn’t respond. I couldn’t and I know I should want it more than anything because he is my Mr. Perfect. You would think that after two months I would have seen his place by now though. He says it’s because he lives too far north of the city and that it makes more since to meet at my place, but there is something fishy about how he says it. I feel like there is a part of his life I’m missing and I don’t know what it is.

His text about having to work late and being too busy to call because he was swamped with meetings and project deadlines were killing me. He was so perfect when we first started dating and now I feel distant from him, even alienated from his life. This working late and never letting me come by his place is grating my insides. I talked to Charlie about Johnny and he told me to lay low, but that’s easier said than done.

I don’t get it, all the romance a woman could ever want and then all these excuses why he cannot see me. It’s not something you can easily ignore. Not for me. I’ll give him a few more days before I call him.

M.B.

Thursday, April 1st, 2010

I’ve allowed this to fester for too long and I have to get this off my chest. After all our time together to be dropped like an old hat and forgotten is not how you love someone. He hasn’t said that loves me and I refuse to be the first on pure principal, but I do think I love Johnny and that he might love me, too. Only his behavior lately is making me think I’m a stupid girl.

I want to be with someone that loves me the way that I am. Is it so much to ask for a guy that will be there for me, wants to spend time with me, and not only for sex. Can I just find a man that wants to have an adult relationship?
Maybe I’m asking too much, maybe I won’t find Mr. Right or Mr. Acceptable. Maybe my only alternatives are Mr. Sometimes or Mr. Maybe because Mr. Perfect is turning into Mr. Pointless.
M.B.

Friday, April 2nd, 2010

I called Johnny, but he didn’t answer, okay I called him twenty times, but if he had answered, I wouldn’t have called that many times!

I hate men! I hate how they make me feel. I hate how they take and never give. I. AM. A. FOOL! Why do the guys I date not want to be with me? What is wrong with me? I want to give all of myself to someone, but there is not one person worth giving myself to and it feels as if I’ll never find him. Maybe I’m not the marrying type and men see it the second I walk into a room, as if I have it tattooed on my forehead. I imagine that I must look like a Miss Tonight or Miss Worth-a-Go, but not Miss Dream Girl or Miss I-Can’t-Live-Without-You. Maybe I never will be… and I only want to be.

I need some movie time and a bottle of wine. I think I’ll call Charlie and see if he has plans. I need some friend time. Kristy and Terra are busy with their boyfriends and I don’t want to hear about what I’m doing wrong, not tonight.

M.B.

Sunday, April 4th, 2010

Charlie came by last night and I’m glad to that I have him as a friend. He knew I didn’t want to talk about Johnny, I didn’t want to think about him, so we spent the night eating Chinese and watching “Breakfast at Tiffany’s,” and then I fell asleep on the couch.
It was nice to hang out and not have to worry about getting made-up like I do for Johnny. I could finally relax and not have to think about how much I missed Johnny, and it was easy to forget about my life and worries.
Before I fell asleep, I snuggled up with a pillow at my end of the couch, I watched Charlie eating his popcorn and thought about how he had become important to me over the last year, he makes fun of all my crazy idiosyncrasies, and he helps me more than anyone does. He is the big brother I never had. It was comforting to know I could be myself with him.
I wasn’t going to write this down, but I woke this morning after the oddest dream about Charlie and me. I felt somewhat freaked out and strange, I couldn’t make heads or tails of it. There were only fragments that flashed across my thoughts, but each felt very real as I made myself a bowl of cereal. I looked over to the couch, he had left sometime this morning, but he folded the blanket I gave him last night neatly on the end of the couch. The dream seemed so distant, yet unbelievably real as it lingered with me.
I figured it out when my phone rang and my first hope was that it was Charlie, when I should have been hoping it was Johnny. I think the dream made me momentarily insane. Moreover, to think that I could be crushing on Charlie made it a very stupid dream

! I was relieved when it was a telemarketer and hung up laughing at myself for dreaming of such foolishness. It’s too bad I don’t have any details to share because Charlie would laugh at my idiocy.

M.B.

Monday, April 5th, 2010

At work, I tried to act normal with Charlie and it was embarrassing because no matter how hard I tried to shake my dream of crushing on him, I felt awkward. He can usually read me like an open book and so I was waiting for him to call me out for it. I would blush and lie, tell him he was stupid and that I would never date a man-whore. We’d laugh it off and that would be the end of it. I was hoping he would, so that I would come out of it. The harder I tried not to notice him, the more I noticed how beautiful he actually was, his disheveled black hair, the blue-green of his eyes, the way everything feels like home when I am around him. Even the smell of him sent my head spinning and it was difficult to form a simple sentence with him.

What is wrong with you Meagan? Have you lost your ever-loving mind? It was a dream and you have Johnny. Do you remember John Stanley? Oh yeah, the douche bag that has been working late and alienating me from his life. That creep!

That’s it! It all makes sense now; I’m crushing on Charlie because I miss Johnny, to whom I have not spoken to yet. He called today, but I was trying to give him the cold shoulder until that resolve faltered when I came back from lunch to find flowers on my desk. Johnny had them sent. His card was begging me for a chance to explain and he blamed his boss for his lack of a social life. He even text me some sweet little things too, so I agreed to see him tonight. I wanted to get things resolved with Johnny and distract myself from my pointless dream crush on Charlie or, to prove it was pointless.
M.B.

Tuesday, April 6th, 2010

Johnny came by as agreed and to be honest we didn’t spend much time talking as I had planned. The only talking he did was when he kissed me hungrily along my throat, whispering how much he missed me and how he hated that work kept him from me. I fell hook, line, and sinker for every word, for every kiss. I couldn’t find my anger as he made love to me, distracted me.

Before I left for work, I found a note on the counter from Johnny that said:

Thanks for last night. Hope to do it again beautiful.
Johnny

I really want him to be the one, but something is pulling at me, and telling me that he’s not what I want, or need. The funny thing is this morning I woke feeling guilty for sleeping with Johnny and then I thought of Charlie.

M.B.

Friday, April 16th, 2010

Disaster should be my middle name, Meagan Disaster Brewer because my life is a disaster!

So, here is the story, the girls and I went to a party this Friday at a bar, a farewell party to a friend-of-a-friend. The party was a blast with loads of drinks, confetti, food, music, etc.

Anyway, I was telling Kristy how happy I was about her engagement to Josh when I saw Johnny walk into the bar with a fat chick. Okay, I shouldn’t say chick because it was more like hag and she was sporting some muffin-top. She had bleached blond hair, too much make-up, and she looked to be in her late thirties. I was on fire peeved.

Instead of the sensible thing, instead of not making a scene, and instead of walking out, I walked over to them, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and introduced myself to Miss Muffin-Top. It all happened so fast, I wasn’t really thinking straight, it wasn’t the wisest moment in my life. When she said she was his wife, I slapped the living crap out of John and he lost his footing for a brief moment. His wife blew up at me and then the dirty name-calling started, fists flying, and all. After we were kicked out of the bar, I was still acting a fool and screaming across the parking lot at Johnny as Kristy pushed me into her car.

Once, I settled into the seat and with the fact that I had made a complete idiot of myself in public, I noticed that I had a slightly swollen lip. I don’t remember being hit, but I remember hitting Johnny. His wife must have gotten a hit in while I tried to beat her husband with everything I had. Clearly, I did it without dignity because I was the other woman and I wanted to kill John, not defend myself from his wife, but I was caught up in the moment.

I feel like an utter moron for falling for Johnny. How could I be so stupid? I hate myself. I always tell Terra how wrong it is to sleep with a married man and now I’m a home wrecker. Granted, I didn’t know he was married, but still. I hate myself and I hate him.

I haven’t returned any of his calls. I don’t know why he’s calling me anyway. He should be talking to his wife. God, I wonder if they have kids. If they do, I really hate myself!

Even Kristy’s plan to beat his car with a baseball bat would have been tempting, but I lost the will to care about worthless-liars like him. I’m done with men for a while. I need a break to be me. Worry free of boyfriends and their wives.

Charlie agrees I should probably stay away from the dating scene. He has been supportive of the whole complicated situation with my guilty feelings and my depressed state of mind about another failed relationship. By now, I would think he was as sick of it as I was, but he proved to be a better man than I given him credit for. I shouldn’t lean on Charlie like I do, in such desperation, but I cannot deny my need for him. He helps make sense of things, even if it is mainly my fault for believing too highly of someone. Charlie makes things okay, he makes everything… better.

M.B.

Saturday, April 17th, 2010

Kristy is getting married this July and I agreed to be her maid of honor, but only as long as she didn’t make me wear a frou-frou dress. She promised it would be a lovely silk and chiffon pink dress with spaghetti straps and a simple silhouette. (Not too thrilled with pink, but it’s her wedding.) I also get to help pick flowers and music, which she was hoping for when she asked me to be the maid of honor.

I’m ecstatic for Josh and her. They’re a lovely couple and blessed to have each other. He is a country boy from Kentucky, where Terra jokingly said they Ken-Tuck. She can be such a blond some times. Kristy is so in love with Josh, it almost makes me hopeful.

Johnny has not tried to contact me and I’m thankful that part of my life is over. It still stings sometimes when I have time to think about him. I still feel like a complete idiot for falling for him, but thank God, I never told him.

Charlie and I have been hanging out a lot as of late. He brought some movies over the other night and a cheesecake. He knows exactly what I love and he’s going to make me fat if he keeps bringing me sweets. It’s a good thing I started working out again, it’s the perfect stress reliever, and it keeps my mind from wandering. Kristy has joined me because she wants to lose ten pounds before the wedding though she doesn’t need to, but I like the company.

Granted, my love life is no more, but I have my friends and that’s enough. For now.

M.B.

Sunday, May 2nd, 2010

As I help with the wedding plans, Kristy is becoming more and more frazzled. I do not want to imagine her on her wedding day. I have my work cut out for me.

Kristy and I have picked the flowers and music; she was pretty easy to convince that Meatloaf’s ‘I Would Do Anything for Love’ may not be the best song for Josh and her. She went with a Celine Dion song instead. She did flip out at the cake shop and I had to pull her outside to get her to control herself. I was tempted to slap some sense into her, but lucky for me she knew she was a little unhinged and thanked me for pulling her outside. Fresh air did the trick today, but who knows about tomorrow.

Charlie and I saw a show in Hollywood the other night. My feelings for him have returned to normal for the most part and I think I was lonely because of Johnny. It’s nice to know that it was a momentary lapse of emotion. If I were honest, I would admit that I still find him extremely attractive. His fingers even have a sexy quality to them, being that they are long and look as if they were made to play the piano.

He’s a great friend and let’s leave at that.

M.B.

Saturday, May 29th, 2010

Kristy is driving me nuts and we still have one month before she walks down the aisle. Today, I bowed out of my maid of honor duties and I told her I had to help Charlie, which I did. His roommate moved out unexpectedly and now he has to find a new place because he cannot afford the rent. I offered to let him stay with me until he found an apartment. Besides, friends help each other and his other friends didn’t have the spare room. I couldn’t let him sleep on a couch. He was going to lose his place at the end of next week, it was only right to take him in when he needed help. He would probably find an apartment this month anyway, but he knows he is welcome to stay as long as he needs. His friends and I helped him move his things into storage and then the rest into my spare room that I use an office.

When we were done he and I went to a local sushi restaurant for dinner, and we talked and drank most of the night, made plans to commute to work together and he joked about labeling our food in the refrigerator. (Note: Take off printed labels in the morning.)

I’m excited to have him stay with me because I enjoy his company and it’s easy to be with him. I know that we will probably be shouting at each other by morning, but that’s how we've always been and that’s what makes it easy to be with him. I don’t have to be agreeable and neither does he. That part might not be the best, but right now, my only concern is that we’re going to be sharing the bathroom. That’s going to be the challenge.

M.B.

Monday, May 31st, 2010

I was right, this morning we did yell at each other about how the last person to use the bathroom sink should clean it. On the bright side, he made sure I didn’t forget my cell or my keys this morning. I have a tendency to forget something every day and he knows that. This morning we continued to argue about towels on the floor as we left the house, but by the time, we walked into work we were joking around by calling each other Mr. Husband and Mrs. Wife.

Tonight, Charlie ordered a pizza and rented a new action flick for us to watch. I thanked him when I got home and studied him as he prepared the couch with a blanket for me and had our favorite wine ready. I thought to myself, ‘don't ever leave’, and then instantly wished I hadn’t thought that.

My curiosity got the best of me while we watched the film. I asked him about what our rules were when we brought dates home. “I think we might want to let each other know when either one of us have a date, just in case. I don’t want you to waste money on a movie…” It came out awkwardly as I trailed off, trying to pretend to watch the film.

I heard a smile in his response. “Look, if I have date I won’t bring her here. I’ll stay at her place.”

My heart jerked involuntarily when he mentioned someone else and my voice turned acidic. “You can bring anyone you want here, unless you don’t want them knowing you live with a girl.” I kept my eyes on the screen. I wasn’t angry with him, I was angry with myself, with my heart. Stupid heart!

“It’s not that. It’s just…” There was a hint of laughter in his voice and then he paused for a moment. I looked over at him. I was sitting close enough to him that our thighs were touching. He met my gaze as he continued. “You’d get tired of me bringing home so many women.” He joked. I felt as if he wanted to say something else, but couldn’t bring himself to say the words.

I returned to the movie as I spoke. “It’s all good to me. I already know you’re a man slut.” I grinned still watching the car chase on the screen, but I could see in my peripheral his head shaking infinitely. We didn’t say much after that, but the movie couldn’t keep my mind from thinking about him. I wondered what he couldn’t bring himself to say. I wish I had asked him to spit it out, but I was also glad I hadn’t.

M.B.

Friday, June 4th, 2010

I haven’t had a date in a while and I didn’t notice how much I hated not having someone special in my life until Charlie brought home a woman last night. Not only was he not home when I brought him Italian for dinner, but seeing this women felt like a knife in my back and I knew that it shouldn’t because I had no claim on Charlie. It didn’t help that she looked like a complete hussy and by the sounds she made last night, I was correct.

I know that Charlie bringing home women shouldn’t bother me, after all I told him I was okay with it, but I can’t help how I feel. I have become accustomed to Charlie living with me and it was close to perfect, except for our little disagreements about when the dishes should be done and how he leaves his shoes in the middle of the floor. These are my only complaints about the living situation, but now Miss Moaning Hussy was in my shower trying to wash her filth down my drain.

I need a date and I need one soon.

M.B.

Sunday, June 6th, 2010

I brought home a guy from the bar last night, Mr. Prove-a-Point, which was a fruitless attempt because Charlie was not home. I wanted him to see me bring someone home for a change. I told the guy I had a headache and made him leave after a half hour of waiting. I’m sure Mr. Prove-a-Point thought I was nuts.

After a shower and a terrible attempt at distracting myself with a book, I heard Charlie walk in the door. I jumped out of bed, put on my silk robe, and ran to the living room to tell him about my date. He had a woman with him, yet again. She looked a little surprised and annoyed as she looked me over. I may have been showing more leg than she would appreciate with my short robe. Oops, my bad lady.

It was awkward for a moment until Charlie casually introduced me as his roommate. Rosa was her name, as he introduced her with what I construed as a cocky smirk, while she varnished a reluctant smile towards me and wrapped her arm around his waist. I was so frustrated that it took everything I had to be polite and play along with his over-confident, annoying, self-absorbed, I-can-get-any-girl attitude. (Well, he may not have had all that going on at the time, but it certainly felt good to write it out.) I excused myself as kindly as I could, when in actuality I wanted to roll my eyes and flip them the bird.

The way I am feeling is completely idiotic, he is single, and he can do whatever he wants. I shouldn’t be mad at him because he has a carefree sex life with a new woman every other day, which wasn’t his usual game. He normally kept them for a week or two, but now they seemed more random. Really, I need to let go of this frustration because I have no right to say anything about what he does. I shouldn’t even feel… jealous. It’s so dumb, really.

Early this morning, I got up because I was thirsty. I was surprised my thirst woke me and not Charlie’s latest conquest. I was dying of thirst and tried to walk quietly to the kitchen past his room. The moon light coming through the windows lit the kitchen so that I didn’t have to turn on the lights. I stretched up to get a glass out of the cupboard, I heard something behind me, and I jumped. I almost dropped my glass. It was Charlie in his boxers.

“You scared the crap out me.” I said too loudly, breathlessly.

“Sorry. I was thirsty.” He said quietly as he looked me over, ostensibly enjoying something. I remembered that I didn’t grab my robe. I was only wearing a white tank top and my blue polka dot panties. I tried to cover myself with my hands. “Oh! This is embarrassing.”

“Why? I’ve seen you in a bikini, what’s the difference?” He asked smiling. The difference was the look in his eyes as they wandered over my body. I felt the blood rush to my face and turned to fill my cup with water so he wouldn’t see me blushing.

I could hear him grabbing a glass off the shelf as my glass filled. “So, you had a good night?” I inquired halfheartedly as I turned and leaned on the counter, trying not to think about how good he looked in his boxers.

“It was nice. How about yours?” He asked with a smile on his face, his eyes still playing along my waist. I felt a shiver of satisfaction as his eyes moved up to meet mine.

I grinned involuntarily. “Fine.” I took a big gulp of water to hide my reaction from him.

I looked him over as he filled his cup beside me, even in the moon light I could see every beautiful contour of his arms, chest, and abdominal muscles. He was so close I could feel the heat from his body. He was intoxicating… It would have been the perfect time to tell him about Mr. Prove-a-Point, but instead I told him I needed to get back to bed and left him in the kitchen before either of us could say another word. I heard him whisper good night as I closed my door.

M.B.

Monday, June 7th, 2010

I left early for work and let Charlie sleep in, we usually drove together, but I couldn’t face him. I know he cannot reciprocate the feelings I have for him because he loves his single life too much.

I avoided him at work by checking every hall and room before I entered. Terra said that I looked nervous all day and asked me why I was acting so strangely, but I wasn’t ready to tell anyone how I felt about Charlie, especially not Terra because her tongue slips too often. Terra had joked about me falling for Charlie, because we would be ‘playing house’, as she put it. She didn’t know how right she was and I hated to think that I was falling for my best friend.

Side Notes: Terra found out that The Married Guy left his wife a few weeks ago and had moved in with his other girlfriend. She hasn’t talked about it much since she told Kristy and me. She’s onto the next extreme, dating with no expectations. I hope this time she stays away from him, but I cannot judge her because we both have relationship issues, we want someone that cannot commit, or we commit the top ten ways to lose a guy.

I was planning on working out with Kristy, but she bailed on me to spend time with Josh and I lost my motivation to work out. Therefore, I couldn’t avoid Charlie any longer. When I got home, he was making dinner and it seemed as if he was trying to make something special because he made a mess all over the kitchen counters. I asked him what he was doing and he said that he wanted a night in and thought I could use a good dinner. It was as if he was trying to get in my good graces, but he hadn’t done anything wrong, my heart was the culprit here. I smiled at the fried chicken and mash potatoes even though I couldn’t eat them. Nevertheless, their aroma convinced me that all the working out had warranted one indulgent meal.

We ate in an awkward silence until he asked about the wedding. I told him I was excited to get it over with because Kristy could be a bridezilla at times. I asked him why he wasn’t out at the bar as usual, why the need for dinner and a night in. He responded with a soft expression. “Because I wanted to spend some time with you.”

I was taken aback by his sincerity. “I’m so boring though… and all we do is watch movies and talk about our day.”

“You can be boring.” He laughed. “I like... hanging out with you.” I was shocked by the fluttering of my heart and took a bite of my potatoes, nodding at him. We didn’t talk much after that.


Later, we sat on the couch and watched some romantic comedy, but I was all nerves. I could feel the closeness of him even though we sat apart from each other. I was more aware of him than if we were touching. I wanted to find a reason to sit closer to him, yet I couldn’t because something had changed between us or it could have only been me. I snuggled under my blanket to hide the anxiety I felt. He offered to turn up the heat for me when he noticed my fidgeting, but I declined.

I was so aware of him that the movie seemed to play in slow motion, I had no idea what was going on because from time to time, I caught a whiff of his cologne and it sent my head spinning. I imagined how it would feel to touch him and perhaps it would be like an electric current. I knew it would pass through me and the thought of touching him kindled every nerve in my body. On occasion, I would look over at him and his eyes would catch mine. I felt like a teenager with butterflies fluttering from my stomach to my throat, preventing me from speaking. Even as we turned off the film, neither of us said anything about the movie as we went our separate ways for the night.


The air was cumbersome in the house and it thickened when we accidentally collided into each other after my shower, Charlie had to catch me because I almost fell from the collision. I held on tightly to my towel as his strong arms caught my waist and it was as if my bones melted from his touch. It wasn’t an electric current as I had imagined it, but a slow burning that went bone deep. His expression was gentle, but his eyes looked hungrily at me. I stammered a thank you as he let me go and I numbly walked to my room, my legs were almost completely useless to me.

How can we go back to before when we were just friends, when I felt this way for him? I don’t want to ruin our friendship with this, but how can I go back to before. You cannot erase feelings. You cannot dismiss them and try pretending you don’t feel them. But I better or I’ll ruin this.

M.B.

Wednesday, June 9th, 2010

I had a huge argument with Kristy about the wedding after work, I should have known better, but I couldn’t help it. We have discussed the band a hundred times and she keeps changing her mind. I was just tired of making the phone calls and dealing with the unhappy DJ’s.

I was upset and I had to vent, so I told Charlie about it. He held me on the couch as I cried over spilled milk, the whole thing was childish really, but I realized how much I had needed it, to be held by a man, by him and it was nice that he didn’t seem to mind. It was like coming home, a warm and welcoming feeling. I listened to his heartbeat; the sound resonated through my body and the comfort of his breathing brought me a sense of peace as I matched my breathing to his. I was glad he was coming to the wedding, although he had protested for the last few weeks. I needed him there and he knew it.

After that awkwardness the other night, Charlie has seemed a little hesitant with me, but today his embrace made up for all that. I’ve been trying to act normal in the hopes that he won’t see my feelings for him, but in reality, it’s easier in theory.

He made a quick dinner and put on my favorite black and white, ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’. I cried at the end as always and Charlie wiped my tears away. I wasn’t ready for it when it happened, when he kissed me.

His soft warm lips pressed to mine and it made my head spin, my heart pounded fast in my chest, and the taste of him sent a fevered thrill through me. His tongue parted my lips as he pulled me closer to him. My mind went blank and I forgot how to breathe as his kiss sunk into me.

When he gently pulled his lips from mine, my breath was embarrassingly loud, but I didn’t care. His blue-green eyes studied my surprised expression. I wasn’t sure what to say, what to do, or what to think. He seemed nervous, as he looked me over with humor quivering on his lips. He was waiting for me to say something.

“I don’t want to ruin…” I wasn't able to say properly what I wanted because my thoughts were blurred by the lingering taste of him.

Abruptly, his face changed into a shameful expression, angry even. “I’m sorry I shouldn’t have.”

“I… No, I mean that I like you.” I noticed it came out sounding trite, but he interrupted me before I could explain.

“Just friends right? Look, it’s been a rough day for you and you should go to bed.” He suggested dryly.

“No, let me explain… that came out all wrong. You and I…” I began and tried to take his hand, but he pulled away stopping me from continuing.

“I don’t need to hear it.” He stood to his feet and began to walk away.

“We can’t talk, now?” My voice was acerbic as I stood and pulled on his arm. “I just wanted to tell you…”

“No, I made a mistake kissing you.” Each word maimed and his eyes turned cold when they returned to mine.

“Fine!” I walked to my room shooting the door loudly behind me. I was stunned and bemused by the last two minutes of my life. He won’t let me explain how I felt. He said it was a mistake. Kissing me was a mistake. I was right though, I ruined it. My mouth ruined it and he ruined it by being such a jerk. How was I supposed to fix this? I clearly hurt him and because he is a stubborn pig-headed jerk, he won’t listen.

Why did he kiss me?

Maybe he just felt bad for me, being that I had had a rough day. Maybe he could tell I needed attention, needed to be kissed… or maybe he wanted to kiss me.

I jumped when I heard the front door slam, it broke me from my reverie, and I realized he was gone.

M.B.

Thursday, June 10th, 2010

He wasn’t home when I woke and from the looks of it, had never come back. I planned what I would say to Charlie when I saw him. I would make him listen and tell him the truth about how I felt about him, that the kiss was a surprise, but that I had been hoping for it longer than I wanted to admit.

When I got to work, I found out from his manager that he taken the next two days off. I tried calling and texting him, but he seemed to disappear. Ignoring me.

Kristy was in a considerable mood today at work. Her wedding was July third and she was finalizing things for the reception during lunch. I tried to be helpful and thankfully, she was too busy to notice my moroseness. I played along with halfhearted responses and it seemed to be enough for her. I was too caught up in my own thoughts about Charlie. I needed to make sure he knew the kiss meant something to me.

No, that it meant everything to me.

Before I left to go home, Kristy gave me a list of my responsibilities for the big day, nothing I didn’t already know, but it made her feel better that I had a list. I had to get the bridesmaids dresses and make sure to keep the ring at all times, bring the shoes, something blue, flowers, etc. I was surprised she didn’t note that I was to throw the bachelorette party, which I had been prepping for a few weeks now. I had friends that helped me set it up at a local bar and tons of games for all of us to play.

When I got home, Charlie was sitting at the kitchen table. He was staring at his hands and he didn’t look at me as I entered the room. I greeted him carefully as I took off my coat and shoes. His voice was icy. “We need to talk.”

“We do.” I agreed. I didn’t know what to expect, but by his tone, it wasn’t good. As I took a seat at the table, his eyes met mine, and he proceeded to tell me that he was moving out to live with a guy he knew. I tried to tell him it was unnecessary, but he won’t let me speak. He continued to explain that he thought rooming with me was a bad idea. I knew he was really telling me that he didn’t mean to kiss me that that was the bad idea.

“I know I messed up the other night, but you don’t have to go.” I said wide-eyed, pleading. “Because what happened… I’ve wanted that for a long time.” My voice was weak.

“No… Meagan, it’s time and that’s all.” He face was emotionless as he stood up from the table. “I’m leaving in the morning.”

“Wait! Please. Don’t.” My voice cracked. “I want you to stay. I should have told you that I… I” I stammered for a moment. “I wanted to tell you that I wanted you to kiss me again.” I held my breath as I waited for him to answer.

He shook his head, his face unreadable. “I realized last night that I’m in too deep with you… and I don’t want that.” His voice was harsh. I shivered as my ears ached from the sound of his words. Even my best friend didn’t want me.

I should have told him he was being an idiot moving out. We were still

friends, I hoped, and he could stay here, but he was probably doing me a favor by leaving. I would want too much in the end and he would have to leave, like all the rest.

M.B.

Friday, June 25th, 2010

Charlie moved out on June eleventh, he was gone before I got up for work. In the past couple of weeks, I’ve seen his car in the parking lot, but we seem to miss each other in the office, if he was avoiding me on purpose, he was doing a fantastic job. I feel like a ghost these days. I don’t remember much about my workday other than the fact that my house is empty when I get home, as empty as my heart feels. I fell in love with my best friend and he… didn’t want me.

Luckily, I have people in my life that need me and they act as a buffer to my throbbing thoughts of him. For the bachelorette party I put on a good face for the girls, stored away my aching heart, and make sure everyone enjoyed themselves, especially Kristy. We drank too much and laughed until our insides hurt. The strippers I got were more than Kristy could handle, but the single ladies went wild for them. Kristy and I sat back laughing as we watched our friends stuff dollar bills into their thongs. It was my first night out since Charlie left, mostly because I didn’t want to, I couldn’t, but tonight I was making a point to have a good time for Kristy and it was worth it.

Not being able to talk to Charlie as I used to makes it feel as if there is hole ripped in my heart, as if there was an open wound there. If only we could be friends, if nothing else that would make this better. He was right when he said men and women could never be friends, because one of them will fall for the other one… and ruin

everything.

He kissed me and realized he didn’t want me. If I had spoken up, if I had kissed him back the way I wanted to our lives might be different.

No, he did not want me. He said so. He didn’t want me because I was a mess and he knows me better than anyone does. He knows not to get involved with Meagan Disaster Brewer.

I hate this, the way I feel empty and pitiful when I am alone, without him. I look at this diary and think what a stupid girl I am.

Terra made a comment today about my behavior; she had noticed my lack of enthusiasm and thought it was because I hadn’t been out in a while. She tried to get me to join her tonight, but I didn’t want to try that hard. I cannot make myself chat with people and play the pick-me-up games. I was happy for Terra though, she was enjoying her freedom and her wild side. Not one man had hurt her lately; she refused to live under the idea that she had to have a man in her life. She liked being on her own.

I wish

I were better on my own.

It’s a good thing the wedding is soon, Kristy and her plans help to take my mind off everything. Charlie won’t be there, I’m sure of it, but it would be nice if he did for Kristy. I had asked her if he canceled, but she said she hadn’t heard from him.
M.B.

Saturday, July 3rd, 2010

The wedding was mostly perfect, except for few hiccups with the dress and a pair of size six feet that grew cold before she walked down the aisle, but Terra and I talked Kristy through it.

The church was breathtakingly beautiful with pink roses and cream silk ribbons, timeless vows were repeated, and the reception was as brilliant as Kristy planned. She had her swan and tulip dream cake that was six tiers high. The ballroom was elegantly decorated in her color theme of cream and pink. Large floral bouquets adorned each table and the aroma of the roses and orange blossoms where rich as everyone mingled and chatted. I cried as Kristy and Josh took their first dance together, more for me, I think.

Everything I was responsible for was finally over and I took a seat at a table near the exit door to rest and have some champagne. As I watched the groomsmen with the groom standing in a circle doing shots of liqueur and shouting cheers, I felt someone touch my shoulder.

I was surprised when I turned to see Charlie standing beside me. He was devastatingly handsome in a black suit and tie, at first I couldn’t believe he came and yet I was thankful he had, even if he hated me. My heart did flips in my chest as I took him in. He stood tall at my side as I looked up into his eyes; they looked gray in the dim light of the ballroom. He asked me to dance and offered me his hand. I took it wordlessly and he led me onto the crowded dance floor.

I was thinking, maybe he had forgiven me and hoped he thought we could be friends again.

The music was slow, Charlie wrapped his arm around my waist, and I lightly placed my hand on his shoulder, while he cupped my other hand and led the dance. His feet were steady and we glided gracefully along the floor.

The first words he spoke were, ‘You look beautiful tonight.’ Ignoring him I looked around the dance floor at the all the ladies in their beautiful dresses and careful men leading them around us.

“So, now you're talking to me.” My tone was harder than I had intended.

“I’m sorry about that. I have been meaning to call you.” He turned us towards the center of the floor and the music swam around us in wavelets.

“So, why haven’t you?” I looked at his face as I said it, trying to speak above the music so he could hear me. He bent down to speak in my ear. “Because I was an idiot and I’m sorry.”

I grimaced. “That’s not an excuse.” I tried to make some distance between us, I could feel his chest on mine, but his strong arms pulled my waist closer to him. He spoke in my ear again. “I left because I realized I wanted you more than I should.”

The warmth of his breath on my ear sent shivers down my spine. I bit my lip, refusing to say anything. He continued. “That night I kissed you, I knew I shouldn’t have, because I would end up hurting you, but these past few weeks I’ve realized… I don’t want to be without you.”

He looked into my eyes after he spoke, those gray storms bore into me, making my bones turn to sponge, and my pulse quickened. “You left…” I started, but he interrupted me by pressing his lips to mine. A fervency of wanting and longing were in them, the kiss sent my head spinning, and my body was so close to his now that I could feel his heart beating wildly in his chest. My pulse quickened too.

I pulled away from his kiss and his embrace. I hated him for leaving, for the sudden changes I couldn’t keep up with, and for wanting me now. It wasn’t fair to do this here. I stalked off the dance floor and out of the hall into a lobby near the front desk. I needed to think without all the noise of the reception in my head.

He followed. “Meagan! Wait... listen. I know I was fool for leaving. Men can be complete idiots.”

“I don’t need advice on the idiocy of the male species tonight. What do you think you’re doing? Playing with me. You knew how I felt and you left.”

“I know… and I was wrong. I should have talked to you, I should have tried…” He trailed off, running his hands through his hair. His eyes were still gray like a deplorable rainstorm.

“And now you think this is a good time?” My voice was a menacing whisper.

“Meagan, I’m trying to pour my heart out to you and you are acting like I’m some loser you met at a bar.” He was some guy I once met at a bar and I cracked a smile as Charlie grabbed my face. “I love you. I love how you make me feel. I miss coming home to you and I even miss you yelling at me about my shoes being in the middle of the floor. I miss making sure that you have everything you need before you leave because you always forget something.” He smiled at the thought, but his voice stayed earnest as he continued. “I miss being near you and I… I just want a chance to love you. ”

My thoughts swam in a blur because of the storming sincerity in his eyes. The fight we had the night he kissed me, the mornings we joked about being husband and wife, our little arguments over dishes and shoes, watching our favorite films, pigging out on cheesecake, and all the doubts that had been playing havoc with my heart since he moved out. All of it was a crazy push-and-pull of two scared people, sweet and sometimes sour, but both together were a great combination. So, the pain and doubts no longer mattered anymore because he did love me, he was scared, but he wanted me.

He was here.

“I missed you too.” I was able to say in a whisper before he kissed me again. I couldn’t hate him anymore after those words.

Right now as I write, I’m lying beside someone that I didn’t expect to be here with me tonight.

Nevertheless, here lies a man that knows me better than anyone else, a beautiful man that loves me as I am, and I know I was looking for Mr. Right, but I think that Charlie is more than that, he is my Mr. Forever.

M.B.

Impressum

Texte: Cover Art by Strike-a-Pose Photography, Cheryl KreaseVisit: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Strike-a-Pose-Photography/128234260593077
Tag der Veröffentlichung: 28.03.2011

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