BookRix

Hi there! I admire the way you express yourself by writing such an amazing story. With that said, your work deserves more audience. I'd like to invite you to join N0velStar's writing competition this April.

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hey guys i just want to say Chapter two is currently unedited so please bare with till i can send it to my editor

If Yin is the main character, you should put more of the third person in favor of him. Like in paragraph 6, sentence 1: (granted, this is the only example I could pick off for on a second)
"Bella had short hair, just as black as her brothers."
A little correction could make the reader (and as well as Bella) more connected to Yin.
"Bella carried short hair across her head, and it was as dark as her brother's black hair."
Actually, I just noticed, that's not such a good example. But I hope you get the idea.
Also, you should expand on your metaphors. It connects the story to the reader a lot easier and into a deeper meaning. If you wanna a style that really uses metaphor's you should study Ray Bradbury's writing.
"Yin's white spiked hair stuck out from his skull, as did a rose. When it carried along its stem, the dark spines of the rose stuck out, waiting for anyone to be captivated of its beauty, but struck with the danger of it's stem." Or blah blah. Something like that. It allows you to really be the writer you want to be, and show's your style a bit more crisply. Plus, it makes you think. 2 birds, aye?

Interesting, flows well,and is very descriptive. I did notice you used then, when you should have used than, Probably just a typo.

Altogether good job.

Can't wait to read it. Sounds interesting!