BookRix

Good book, I loved it. I hope her baby and Candace are ok tho. I loved to book. Sad ending tho.

A very interesting theory.

I am interested to see if you edit this first person narrative with its "omniscient POV" and its numerous errors.

Before you edit I would in your case study sentence structure, syntax, tenses, convolution, passive structure and the repetetive use of key words.

After which this should turn out to be a masterpiece of fiction.

By the way, 4 men, three women, one little girl and the narrator makes 9 people.

love the cover, and the story was very intriguing and mysetrious with a twist :) loved it

On the positive side, you have a very good story with a nice surprise ending. Your whole concept is well thought out. Congratulations for that part.

Now for the critique:

You occasionally use the wrong words. Here are a few examples that you need to change in order for the reader to understand what you intend to say:

On the last page: "This evidence was apprehended....." What does this mean?

Page 9 -"....being obtained from their homes..." - what do you mean by "obtained"?

"I crumble my list." Did you mean "crumple"?

And finally, a defense attorney would never say "anyways." She would say "anyway." I know it is minor, but "anyways" is the speech pattern of teenagers, not adults.

I hope these little edits will help you make this story even better than it already is.

All the best, Valerie

I really appreciate that comment and you reading :) That was very sweet of you and I am defiantly trying to one day be a published author <3 I wish you the best in all you do and write!

Thank you so much for reading and commenting. It makes my day knowing that my writings made you really feel for that character. I appreciate your time, and thanks for voting. All the best for you my dear.

This is really good story. It brought me tears when I though about Lila. How can people be so cruel?
voted :)

Thank you so much for reading and commenting :) That really brings a smile to my heart.

I had to erase a comment , not because I disagreed or did not like the comment, but because I felt it gave away the ending and I want for other people to be able to read the story and give me their honest opinions as well. If you do have a comment that touches on the ending then please.. send me a private message. Once again, to the person whose comment I had to erase.. I did not erase it because you were "disappointed" (I am open to your feedback and/or criticisms). I only erased it because it revealed too much of the story. Thank you for your feedback.

..and thanks for your honest opinion :) I can't please everyone I suppose, but I still had a great time writing. The diary format did make it a little hard to work out some quirks, but I thought about making this into a narrative (perhaps that would explain a little more). Conspiracy stories just are not for everyone though.. once again, thanks for commenting.