BookRix

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...of someone trapped by a disaster. It gives thought to being in the position of helplessly waiting for others to take action to rescue you and set you free. A few typos and grammar errors here, polish those and you have a gem.

You made me feel like I was there I enjoyed your story very much. I have seen several tornadoes touch down and they are very frightening,I wasn't hurt. I choose to think we can change the way we treat our planet and I will do all I can. Serena

Great little story. So far, all of your stories I have read have been excellent. Reads like a polished author's work.

I will be more than happy to read your other stories and comment. I hope you do well in BoW VI.

Bek

for me, was the message of a second chance, Susan! You're so right, that we need to do so much more to bring down our planet's fever!

I enjoyed your story from cover to cover!

Good luck, Susan! Petra :))

Your portrayal of a destructive tornado is quite realistic; I know, having since childhood survived by mere inches during several killer Michigan tornadoes. Snowed in now, returning April, terrifying to think about let alone experience. Worse to think global warming could change the frequency or intensity. Good message, Susan - can't control nature but can adapt with planning or change. Would edit and smooth flow. Overall, I enjoyed your story and powerful description!

Hi S.M.Bowes,

I read about three quarters of your story. I think you have potential as a writer and with continued practice should develop your craft. Some points to mention:

Describing words (pronouns & adverbs) are great extras for a story, however, every now an again they can be overused. I found a few areas in your story where I felt a bit of adverb overkill in play e.g.:

1. The wind eerily wailing loudly. You might have been able to get rid of loudly and maybe even eerily and still provided the same effect for the reader.

2. Covered us with it's tremendous amount of weight. In the previous sentence you describe what has fallen ie. falling construction, using the simple word 'weight', I think is sufficient as it would be easily assumed to be 'tremendous amount of' weight.

3. Plumes of blackened dust clouds, could easily have been 'plumes of blackened dust' with the same result. Plumes brings to mind 'clouds'.

A couple of spelling errors:
pg 6 - high-piched - should be pitched.
pg 6 - chuncks - should be chunks.
pg 7 - the lord was going grant - missing 'to'.
pg 7 - you've used the word 'ingested' where I think 'inhaled' was more suitable, as you protagonist wasn't eating or drinking the dust. Or were they?

There are some fantastic prose sprinkled here and there but overall, I found my interest waned, which isn't good for a writer.

I wish you best of luck.

Bek :)

Scary story. However well we plan we can never really control nature, only contribute to its destructive power. Good job Susan

..."We're not in Kansas anymore ToTo" :). I did live there for 11 years, and you did a great job of capturing the reality of it.
Best to you Susan...
Robin