BookRix

Short but scary. I like!

Ok. Im going to have like nightmares from this...... Lol

wholly shiz!!!!!!! please write more, that was fantastic!!!!!

If you read this when you were younger then i feel bad!!! haha. reminds me of the first thing i wrote THE AXE MAN ohhh so scary right. I think i might have nightmares about that shadow thingy though. definitely creepy. It's coming...

I liked the fact that the ending left you with no resolve: the main character is going to die, and there's nothing you can do about it. It reminds me of the ending of the original Nightmare on Elm Street. There were some grammar errors that I saw though, such as: "blood" on page 3. It should be "bleed". And on page 4, "she" should be replaced by "the". I'm guessing that's just a common typo. Also, on Page 5, the sentence at the top, continued from page 4, is a little confusing. I would probably change "at" to "and." Overall, I would say to change up the sentence structures a little, to give the story some dynamic. Otherwise, a very good read. It truly plays on the horrors that we dream of.

If you would like to do a book swap, here is one of mine:

http://www.bookrix.com/_ebook-sabrina-jade-howard-dance-my-sweet/

It is a fantasy/fairytale book, but I hope you like it nonetheless.

Nice telling of the quintessential ghost story, the kind that we love to hear (and tell) when sitting around a campfire or on a stormy night! You do this very well. There are a few minor things, like "it was going to be Friday the 13th" - Friday the 13th isn't an event, but an actual date, and since you'd already stated it was Friday night, all you really needed was to add that it was also the 13th (unless this happens the week before). A few other things need cleaning up, but basically this is very good. And if you wrote it when you were even younger, I'd really like to see what you can do now; I'm sure your writing is even better by this time. You seem to have a terrific natural talent for story-telling! 'D

The book I gave you for the swap is science fiction, but if you'd rather read a horror story, I have other ones, like "Run." Just go to my profile and check out the blurbs to see which are in the horror genre if that's what you prefer. Otherwise, give "Sanity" a try (the one I gave you the link for).

Good luck - you've made a great start!

it wasn't that bad if you wrote it when you were younger

Like, omg. My friend read this today and told me to read it.. and i love it!! (: like for real... u should seriously update or write a sequel!! Its amazing for something you wrote when you were younger.! Dang I wish i could write like this! (: Love it, write more.

Well, this was nerve racking, to say the least. So... well done :)

However, I do have some critiques:

I found the story a tad choppy as you sometimes you forget words or letters (one example is when you accidentally put "ad" instead of "and"). There were also some spelling mistakes along side several capitalization errors. Your syntax is a bit messy, thus confusing as well as sometimes there is some missing punctuation.

Be careful not to switch tenses when you write. Otherwise you can really confuse the reader.

The story itself is frightening. But personally, I don't like stories like this, so I'm a bit one-sided. Still, it was good. However, you need to watch that your narration doesn't go along too quickly. Because if you do go too quickly, there won't be enough descriptions in your work. Without that, the story can be confusing and feel like a race.

Overall, it's good! Pretty interesting, though completely terrifying at the same time ;)

Good job!
Keep writing!

---RbG