BookRix

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I'm super tired but I want to help out so: Brief Comments:

- I am taking note in how you started out narrating through second person point of view, which is actually something that I personally love doing, but it is also very rare. So nice job.

- I do not think that putting phrases in parentheses support with the kind of tone you are trying to set. You could possibly instead, just state that the journal is called "The Chronicles."

- The first paragraph of your novel seems more like a letter than the beginning of the actual story. Is that what you were going for? Maybe add a "Dear, .." in the beginning and a "Best of wishes, .." at the closing.
- When you begin the next paragraph, click enter more so that it is significant to the reader that there is a change in focus.

- Overall, like I have said before you are up to a fantastic start. Hope you continue writing :)

This is a very interesting story. I like the style of the narrative, too. This does need some editing and polishing, especially with dialogue. Good story, though. It's worth the effort to clean it up.

As I Read :

~ On page 3 your text reads " I don't know son but we should probably get going" ...Just make sure you put the punctuation in the end so it reads.." I don't know son but we should probably get going."

~ Correct your punctuation on page 3 where it reads as " It was to protect me, but from what." Make sure you add the "?" at the end of the sentence because you are asking a question here.

~ On page 4 " Your lying dad; I can tell like you can what that was. This time we heard it again just this time closer" The first sentence is awkwardly written and should be changed to something more like " Your lying dad. Just like you I can tell what that was." And of course the second sentence is missing your an ending mark. "."

~ Overall I think the plot is great and very intriguing. The only thing I would recommend is editing your work and reading through each sentence carefully, so you can analyze all the grammar, punctuation, etc mistakes.

Nice work so far. Hope you continue.

~Jillian