BookRix

Review - Great adventure, to bad it had to end so badly! Outside of the surprise ending, this was written well. You obviously knew your subject. Your characters were real to life. Enjoyed the comedy here and there. Over all an interesting read. I would suggest you find a contest to enter this in. It would do well. Great job. Robynn

You have a good story line, and a well written story.

The use of foul language by your characters although makes them look ignorant.

The problem is not the language in particular, the problem is that there is no apparent reason for the language. As it adds nothing to the story, you would be better off leaving it out.

I only found two places where it even made any sense to put it in. One where the character told his friend, "Don't be a pussy," You can see a character saying that to a scared friend, Although you could have used the word "coward." The other place was where the character said "Oh shit!"

You want your readers to feel like they are a part of your story. Therefore unless you want them to be discussed with the character, leave the word out if it is not relevant to the story.

This will make your writing stronger, and relevant to a broader range of readers.

Don't ruin a good story with bad language skills.

That is my humble opinion.

What a sad ending to such a thrilling read... You've got the beginings of an awesome story- few grammatical errors, as far as I could see, realistic characters, interesting storyline, and fairly satisfying ending. I could definately see this becoming published, should you decide to lengthen, and perhaps makes a novel of it. =)
I look forward to reading more of your work!