BookRix

You've got a romantic streak and, just like everything else in life, writing it out forces you to examine it... making it better all around - real life and fiction.

I'll happily read any re-write you care to make.

Here's my vote!

Of course.
Good Luck
Love Wendyxxx

Of course.
Good Luck
Love Wendyxxx

good - since both Wendy and Val addressed corrections needed - I'll just go with, I enjoyed the story....p

I thoroughly enjoyed it and I was suitably livid by Howard's actions and that of the fathers.

I have one criticism. When Howard caught her with Reggie, Howard made a statement about Reggie stealing his girl. It seemed odd to me, because i would have thought that Howard was so arrogant, he would never even consider the fact that Reggie could achieve taking a white woman from him.

I also wanted to mention a bit of a grammar issue you have which seems to be consistent. I've got two examples:

I knew there was only one answer i could give.
"Yes, Howard. Yes, I will go to the dance with you.

The dialogue should be on the same line as the tag:

I knew there was only one answer i could give. "Yes, Howard. Yes, I will go to the dance with you.

and...

"What are you doing out here?"
It was my twin brother, Gaven.

Again, the dialogue should be on the same line as the tag.

"What are you doing out here?" It was my twin brother, Gaven.

You've done that throughout, so I thought it important to mention.

All in all, an well written ambitious tale. Ambitious, because it is set in an era, which you have no personal knowledge of, and also that you've dealt with a non PC issue, which I believe you have pulled off with aplomb.

Good job. Well done
Wendyxxx

I was a child throughout the 50s, but I remember the tense racial climate very well. Especially in the deep south, the very idea of a black man being seen near a white woman would have been cause for a lynching. Aside from the comments from Val, I think this is an exceptionally well thought out and crafted story. If I were to suggest anything further, I would have liked to have seen a bit more tragic, even ironic last paragraph. But, as usual, you have come up with a unique and professionally done entry, Beth. Congratulations:)

enjoyed this. I have uploaded books in a rush as well. They are some of the best received ones. LOL Its the rush of ideas that you MUST write down !! Once you fix the small errors it will be awesome. The story was very appealing. Well written even as it is.

I guess I was not paying attention, and had no clue this was written by my friend, and co-moderator, paper.planes. All I can say is: I am glad in a way that I was not influenced by our friendship. I really liked the story on its own merits...and the edits are, indeed, necessary.

Good job, Beth. I really liked this story. Fix it, and you have a winner I am sure.

Thanks for that, Val. I'll fix those when I get the chance. I wrote this all in one sitting, and didn't edit properly. So that's what I get! Haha.

Having grown up as a teen in the 1950's, I can relate very well to this story. Dating men of another race or color was frowned upon in those days. You wrote this story very well and it moved at a good pace. It definitely fits the parameters for a tragic love story - and I applaud you for taking on this particular topic.

A few little minor "edits" are needed,that I have listed below. If you fix them, your story should run smoothly.

There is no such word as "intermitted". Look it up in the dictionary and select a more appropriate word.

You almost duplicated a phrase, as follows: "He slammed my body down into the damp leaf-litter making my spine ache in protest. He slammed my body down on the root, making my spine ache in protest."

The following sentence needs to be reworked as it is awkward and incorrect: ". . . but merely downcast his gaze and submit."

This next sentence also needs to be re-worked:

"I don't want to see my daughter living like a pauper in the sake of consequential feelings." 'In the sake' does not make sense. Perhaps you meant "for the sake"...but it is still not quite right.

Finally, you have the habit of doing this:

"Is this so wrong?" He asked. . .
"Here they are." Gavin said. . .

The correct way to write this phrase is:

"Is this so wrong?" he asked.
"Here they are," Gavin said.

Hope these comments are helpful. With a bit of tweaking, you will have a contender in the contest.