New Orleans, Louisiana, 1953

Suffocated. That was how I felt; like the entire world had their eyes on me, breath baited with anticipation, listening with sharpened ears for my answer. I sent my Father a nervous glance, and his face creased with an encouraging smile.
"Well goodness Jean, I'm not asking you to marry me."
I forced a smile, and wriggled my hands from Howard's grasp. They were clammy, but I restrained myself from wiping the sweat off on my blouse.
"So? Will you or won't you?"
My heart was hammering out of control, and I fought off the urge to turn around and run, run as far away as I could. But, with so many people crowded around me, I knew there was only one answer I could give.
"Yes Howard. Yes I will go to the dance with you."
To you, it must seem like such a trivial matter, so non-consequential. But to me, it may as well have been a death sentence. To Howard, this could never be just

a dance, and we could never be just

dance partners. He always wanted something more. Always.
I felt a shudder ripple down my spine, but thankfully everyone was so engrossed in their jubilant conversation that they didn't notice.
Howard wound his arm around my waist and forced me to walk forward, deeper into the throng of relatives milling around the front room. This birthday had swiftly turned into a nightmare. I wished I had never let my Mother convince me to invite Howard. Was I the only one that could see it? The only one that could see beneath Howard's charming façade?
As soon as Howard was suitably distracted, I slipped free of his grasp, feigning hunger. Any moment free of Howard's constant presence was a precious one.
I escaped out onto the patio, breathing in the fragrant summer air. The drone of crickets chirping drowned out the ceaseless, anxious thoughts funnelling through my mind, blotting out the dread and the foreboding. But that comfort was shattered as soon as I heard the sliding door scream open, followed by light, tentative footsteps.
"What are you doing out here?"
It was my twin brother, Gaven. I turned, searching his face for any hint that he knew the reason, the true reason. But all I could find was confusion.
I sighed. "Just getting some fresh air. It's so crowded in there."
Gaven leaned against the railing beside me, looking almost whimsical. "You're just being modest."
"Excuse me?"
"Jean, every girl in town is wanting to be courted by Howard. I bet you were out here pinching yourself to make sure you're not dreaming."
I rolled my eyes. I desperately wanted Gaven to know the truth, but, like my Father and the rest of my family, he was oddly satisfied with mine and Howard's pairing.
I removed my lace gloves, and used them to fan myself. I'd let Gaven believe what he wanted to believe, for now at least.
"Come back inside, Ma's getting the cake ready."

§§§

The atmosphere was heavy with the lilting melodic tones of Dean Martin's You Belong to Me, and the entire movement of the dance hall slowed. Howard pulled me closer to him, so close that I could feel the humid caress of his breath on my neck. Every couple around us swayed together as though they were merely one body, but with Howard I felt disjointed, alien. I let myself get lost in the silken embrace of Martin's song, trying to forget where I was, and more importantly, who I was with. Howard's hand wandered to the small of my back and lingered there. I felt a surge of revulsion well up inside me, leaving a bitter taste in my mouth.
Finally the song abated, and Howard released me. The glimmer of spotlights flooded the room once more, illuminating Howard's auburn hair with a reddish tinge. He leered down at me, his eyes brimming with something foreign and disturbing. He raised my gloved hand to his lips and kissed it softly.
"Come with me, I want to show you something."
I cast a look over my shoulder, searching for Gaven and his date, but they were buried somewhere in the thronging mass of taffeta skirts and crisp suits. Before I had a chance to utter an excuse, Howard had locked his hand around my wrist and was dragging me from the ballroom.
We spilled out into the still night, the muffled sounds of merriment lost behind us. He slid his hand down to meet mine, and tugged me along an over-grown pathway leading away from the hall.
"Where are we going?" I asked, trying to embed false excitement in my words.
"Just a secret place of mine," he said, his face alight with a wide smile. "I've been dying to take you here since I first laid eyes on you."
A seed of worry lodged in my stomach, and steadily grew. The noise from the dance hall was getting fainter with every step we took.
Howard parted a curtain of willow leaves, and I bunched my skirts in my hands as I ducked beneath. We entered into a realm of darkness, intermitted only by the tendrils of moonlight that filtered down through the umbrella-like willow branches. I could see a glistening river flowing nearby, and hear the sounds of it gurgling over exposed rock.
Howard walked a few steps ahead of me, and outstretched his arms.
"Well, this is it." He said, turning back to me. "My little slice of Paradise."
We were nestled at the centre of a large, splayed-out willow tree, and stray arms of the river wandered in beneath, trickling by.
"It's a lot more impressive during the daytime, but a full moon will do just fine."
Howard took a seat on a raised tree root, and beckoned for me to join him on his perch. I obliged, hesitantly. I pulled my shrug closer around my shoulders, suddenly cold despite the summer heat.
"Take that thing off!" Howard said, smiling as though he were joking. But there was something about his tone that made me fearful.
"No, I'm fine."
Howard tutted, and pulled the shrug from my shoulders anyway, letting it fall into the dirt below.
"I think we should be heading back, now." I said, shuffling along the root away from him. "Gaven's probably wondering where I am."
"Don't be stupid, Jean. I didn't take you all the way out here for nothing."
"What do you mean?" I asked, trying to shove panicked thoughts from my mind.
"What I mean, is that it's time you showed me a bit of gratitude."
He traced his forefinger along my bare shoulder, and a trail of goose bumps sprouted in its wake.
"Howard, this isn't the time, and this certainly isn't the place."
His expression darkened. "You'll do as I say, Jean."
He clamped his hand down on my thigh, and leaned in close to my face. "Is that clear?"
I examined him with wary eyes, calculating my next move.
His spare hand tightened around my arm, and he pressed his lips to mine, hungry and urgent.
"Get off!" I cried, pushing myself away from him. I sprang to my feet, ignoring my discarded shawl as I sprinted back in the direction from whence we came.
But Howard was swift to catch up with me, and latched on to the back of my dress as I tried to flee. My dress ripped and gave way, making me stumble into the dirt. He slammed my body down into the damp leaf-litter, making my spine ache in protest.
He slammed my body down on the root, making my spine ache in protest.
"Howard, what are you doing?" My voice was shrill now, fever-pitch.
"Be quiet, would you?"
I clawed at his face with my fingernails, desperately trying to struggle out from beneath him. He grabbed my wrists and twisted them hard, making me cry out in pain. He lodged my hands under his knees, holding them in place. Tears of fear and desperation blurred my sight, but I could still see Howard looming over me, fumbling at the straps of my dress
I let out the loudest scream I could muster, before he abruptly cut it off. I made one final attempt to shimmy out from beneath him, and in response his fist fell down hard on my jaw, sending an explosion of pain outwards in all directions.
I felt my resolve start to crumble, knowing I was no match against Howard's brute strength.
Without warning, Howard was pulled off of me.
"Sir, I suggest you leave the girl alone."
The voice was unknown to me, but its resounding depth was an immeasurable comfort. I scrambled to my knees, wiping away the trails of tears staining my cheeks.
Howard was being held by the collar, facing a man that towered over him. He didn't even attempt to struggle, but merely downcast his gaze and submit.
"Now get out of here before I give you a good wallop."
He let Howard drop to the ground, and he was to his feet and away before I even had a chance to register what was happening. Silence descended upon the riverbank, and for a few moments, the figure and I just watched each-other with equal measures of curiosity and fascination.
Realising that my dress was in tatters, I made a frantic attempt to cover myself up with my hands. The man knelt down to my level and handed me my soiled shawl, which I wrapped around myself.
"Are you all right, ma'am?"
All I managed was an over-enthusiastic nod of the head, and the man helped me to my feet. I was trembling with shock, and the man removed his jacked and draped it over my shoulders.
I nodded at him again, before stumbling backwards and attempting to find my way out of the endless abyss of willow leaves.
"If you don't mind, I'd like to walk you home... If you don't mind."
It seemed all I could do was nod; I didn't feel I had any words left within me. The man placed a reassuring hand on my shoulder, and lead me back out to the pathway.

§§§

The rest of the night passed in a blur. I barely remembered making my way home, cleaning myself up, or getting into bed. All I remembered was waking up the next morning, my body aching all over, and my mind heavy with images of Howard's face contorted with lust.
I resolved to simply forget the events of the night before as if they had never happened. My plan didn't extend to the inevitability of seeing Howard again, but for now, I was happy living in my imagined reality.
A tentative knock at the door was the first sign that life still existed beyond my four walls. I had convinced myself it would be fine to stay inside for the rest of my life, but now that didn't seem so plausible.
I don't know how long it took me to reach the door, but by the time I got there, I was sure that whoever had knocked would be long gone. At least, that is what I had hoped.
When I opened the door, I was startled to see a man so tall that he had to stoop to see below the doorframe. He clutched a weathered hat in his hands, and he picked at it nervously with his fingernails.
"Jean?" His deep, bass voice instantly struck a chord of recognition within me. The voice that had been so soothing the night before. And in my traumatised state, I hadn't even realised that my rescuer was a man of colour.
"You... From... You?"
He laughed, and I felt myself smiling too. "Yes, it's me. I came to check if you were all right."
"Oh, I'm fine," I lied. "All I needed was a good sleep."
He narrowed his chestnut eyes at me. "Do you mind if I come in?"
I bit my lip. Gaven would be awake soon, and Father was only in the garden. I didn't know how they'd react if they saw this man in our house.
"How about we go for a walk instead?"
He nodded in agreement, and I stepped out into the morning sunshine beside him. We walked at a steady pace, and for a long while, the silence that ensued between us said more than words ever could.
We eventually came to a park, and I took a seat a garden bench. "I've been meaning to ask something..."
"Yes ma'am?"
"What were you doing by the river last night? When, you know..."
He laced his fingers together in his lap. "I like to fish down there, and at night is the only time I get peace. And then I heard... What was happenin'."
I nodded. "What's your name?"
He smiled. "Reginald... Reggie."
"Well thank-you Reggie. And, if you don't mind, I'd prefer if what happened last night... If it just stayed between you and I."
"If that's what you want... Miss."
"Please, call me Jean."
He grinned, and in that instant, the world seemed a little bit brighter. I didn't even know I had been grinning, too.

§§§

I never expected to see Reggie again. We were two people living in two different worlds. Any friendship between us could never be possible.
Reggie had different ideas; he could never quite believe I would be 'fine' after what had happened with Howard, and would make his excuses to check up on me periodically. And, perhaps, there was a part of him that suspected Howard would be back. It was almost as if he never wanted me to be on my own again.
But despite Reggie's physical presence, in my dreams he was absent. At night, when I ventured into the darkest recesses of my mind, it was just me again, trapped with Howard in that willow-draped version of Hell. Each morning I'd wake up more exhausted than when I had gone to bed, having been haunted by Howard's searching hands and ominous glare all night.
"You need to go back," Reggie said. "You need to see that it wasn't the place that done bad, it was Howard."
"No, no way," I said, shaking my head vehemently. "It's Howard's 'Paradise', it's all Howard."
"It isn't, Jeanie. It's all up here." He tapped my forehead with his fingertip. "Let me take you. You'll be safe with me."
The journey back to the willow grove was traumatic. Images of the dance, the desperate fumble by the riverside, all came flooding back. A part of me wanted to reach out and take hold of Reggie's hand, but I knew that wouldn't be appropriate. So we walked, side-by-side, in steely silence.
When we got there, the scene looked completely different. There was so evidence of what had taken place, no sinister sign to mark what had happened. Reggie was right. It wasn't the place that was evil; it was Howard. It wasn't the place that had made Howard attack me.
I felt a sense of peace wash over me, a feeling that, somehow, I no longer needed to be afraid.
"It's actually quite beautiful here." I said after some time, admiring the riverbank for what it was, and not what it represented in my mind.
"I told you," Reggie said, stepping closer to me. "You don't have to be scared no more."
In that moment, I saw past Reggie's race, saw past the barrier I assumed that presented. I slid my hand into his, amazed at how much bigger than mine it was. Our fingers interlocked, fitting together like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle.
He looked down at me in shock, but he didn't pull away.
"Thank-you," I said. "For everything."

§§§

My Father's face was grave. Part of me already knew what he was going to say.
"I ran into Howard today, at the drug store."
I nodded, but did not speak.
"He tells me you've been avoiding him."
I stare at the ground.
"Jean, this is not the way you're supposed to treat young men, especially not ones like Howard."
"Men like Howard?"
"Marriageable men. Men that could take you off my hands and make an honest woman of you. You could live a comfortable life as Howard's wife; he's going to be a doctor some day, you would be well off."
"Well sometimes that's not all that matters." I instantly know I'm going to regret my words. My Father didn't raise me to be defiant.
"Love and marriage do not necessarily correlate." My Father says, rather matter-of-factly. "Love is a union, a union based on mutual suitability. Love is best kept in Shakespearean sonnets."
I do not respond; I don't want to tend the fire any more than I already have.
"Your Mother was like you once, so I suppose this day was always destined to come. But listen to me now Jean; if you ever mention marrying for 'love' again, you will no longer be welcome in this family. I don't want to see my daughter living like a pauper in the sake of inconsequential feelings. Now, you will continue your courtship with Howard, and I don't want to hear anything more on the matter."
"But... You don't understand."
"What is there to understand, Jean? Howard has asked you to go to the carnival with him next week, and I assured him you would be there. Don't make me tell you this again."
I nod my head, feeling the sting of tears starting to threaten.

§§§

The thought of being near Howard again filled me with terror so intense it was almost palpable. But Reggie reassured me that he would always be nearby, so the dread lessened, if only slightly.
When Howard stepped through the front door, he embraced me as if nothing had ever happened. I didn't return his friendly gesture; instead, I hung back close to Gaven, not even trying to hide my repulsion for Howard.
The bright lights and tinkling music of the carnival seemed somewhat duller in Howard's presence, and my eyes were constantly searching the crowd for any sign of Reggie.
"You know, they would never believe you if you told them," Howard hissed, as soon as we were out of Gaven's earshot. "It would tarnish your reputation forever. Now, you wouldn't want that, would you?"
"I couldn't care less about my reputation, Howard. You're a pig. I'd rather work as a seamstress for the rest of my life than be near you for even a moment longer."
Howard gripped me hard by the forearm, boring into my eyes with his own. "You'll regret saying that, Jean."
I pushed myself away from him, reassured that we were in a dense crowd. I slipped away into the throng of people, picking up my pace in an effort to lose him.
I stopped to catch my breath alongside a carousel, and I cried out in surprise when I felt a hand fall down on my shoulder.
"It's only me," Reggie whispered. "Let's go."
I followed Reggie's tall figure through the crowd, never daring to take my eyes off him for a second. He ducked behind a fairy-floss booth, and after checking that neither Gaven nor Howard were anywhere nearby, I joined him.
"Reggie, let's run away together." I said, taking his hands in my own. "We can go somewhere exciting, like Hollywood! And we'd never have to deal with Howard, or my family ever again."
Reggie smiled at me, his large chestnut eyes brimming with delight. "I'd like that."
I threw my arms around him happily, breathing in his warmth, his comfort. He gathered me up in his arms so that we were face to face. I ran my hand along his cheek, down his neck, along his shoulder.
"Reggie, I think I love you."
I searched his eyes, but their shine never faltered. They just kept on burning, like all the stars in the sky. I leant in close, so close that our noses were touching.
"I love you, too."
"Jean?"
The cry startled us both, and I fell from Reggie's hold as if I had been burned.
"Jean, what the Hell are you doing?"
I turned to see Gaven, his face twisted with revulsion, his fists clenched at his sides.
"What are you doing with this Negro, Jean?"
"Gaven, don't..."
"Shut up Jean!
"Gaven, I love him... I love him."
"But how? How can you love someone like him?"
I took hold of Reggie's hand. "Because I do. I don't expect you to understand."
Gaven's eyes flickered up to Reggie's face. "Stay away from my sister, y' hear?"
"You can't keep us apart." I said, trying to sound braver than I felt.
Gaven backed away, shaking his head in disbelief. He disappeared behind the booth without a word.
"We should go." I said, pulling Reggie along. "We need to leave, right now."
"Is this so wrong?" He asked, stalling. "That you and I should love each-other? So wrong that we have to leave?"
"You don't understand my family!" I said, starting to panic. "Who knows what they will do."
"Here they are." Gaven said, pointing at us as though we were diseased. Howard trailed in his wake.
Howard looked from me, to Reggie, to me again. His eyebrows were knitted, his mouth set in a deep scowl. "I always knew there was something wrong with you Jean, but this... This is just disgusting."
I stood my ground next to Reggie, defiant. "No Howard, what's disgusting is what you tried to do to me. What Reggie saved me from."
Howard stiffened, and Gaven shot him a quizzical look.
"You're going to pay for stealing my girl, Nigger."
"Get out of here, both of you!" I screamed.
"Gladly," Gaven spat. "You're not a sister to me anymore."

§§§

I clung to Reggie's arm, not wanting to breathe the words out loud that were already racing through my mind. Now, leaving was the only option. If we wanted to be together, abandoning our lives was the sole choice we had.
"What are we going to do?" I said, my voice trembling. "Everything I own is at my home... And I can't go back there. I don't even want to think about what they'll do to me."
"Jean, your family's gon' forgive you."
"No, no they aren't. And I don't want them to... I don't want to be a part of that family."
"I'll leave, I can get on a bus tonight," Reggie said, his voice so soft it was barely a whisper. "You can go back to your family. You can forget 'bout me."
"No! I could never do that, Reggie. I love you. You saved me, in more ways than you could ever know."
I stopped our walk, and burrowed myself into his chest. I didn't care that my tears were soaking through his shirt, or that I would look like a mess; I needed Reggie to know how much he meant to me.
He ran his hands through my hair, kissing the top of my head every so often. The mere sound of him breathing was enough to bring a smile to my face. I couldn't bear to think of a life without him in it.
A beeping horn blared in the distance, snatching me away from my reverie. My head snapped up, my eyes blinded by the glare of on-coming headlights. The tooting grew louder and louder as the car approached, and I gripped my fingernails into Reggie's back, suddenly terrified.
The car pulled up alongside us, and Gaven jumped out of the back. Before I had a chance to speak, he was wrestling me away from Reggie, as three more men — including Howard — emerged from the vehicle and started to bind Reggie's hands behind his back.
I screamed for Reggie, struggling against Gaven's grip, but it was useless. Howard and his accomplices had Reggie subdued in a matter of seconds, his mouth gagged, his arms and legs bound. All I could do was howl as the car screeched away from the curb, carrying Reggie with it.
"Gaven, what's going on?"
"He needed to be dealt with. We can't let him poison you."
I kicked Gaven hard in the shin, and his hold on me slackened enough for me to wriggle free.
"The only difference between me and Reggie is the colour of our skin." I said, my voice shaking with rage and fear. "He's more of a man—a decent man—than you'll ever be!"
"He's a black, Jean. Don't degrade yourself any further by talking about him like this."
I slapped Gaven hard across the face. "He's the love of my life. I love him... I love him so much."
I sank to my knees, no longer able to maintain the façade that I was strong enough to deal with this. "Please, tell me where they're taking him."
My voice was hoarse with tears, and I buried my face in my hands.
Gaven seemed to falter, and he knelt down beside me. "They're just taking him out of town. Away from you. Life will be back to normal before you know it."
"I don't want life to be back to normal," I said, unable to summon the strength to physically display how I was feeling. "Life without Reggie isn't worth living. He saved me."
"You keep saying that, and I don't understand why. What could he have possibly saved you from."
I raised my face to meet his gaze, and saw genuine concern there. "He saved me from Howard."
"Howard? What do you mean?"
"Howard tried to... He tried to... Force himself on me. Reggie stopped him. Reggie saved me."
Gaven went silent, his mouth gaping open as though shell-shocked."Howard did what?"
"At the dance. I didn't tell you because I was so ashamed... No-one ever seemed to care when I tried to tell them the truth about Howard."
Gaven gathered me in his arms, and I didn't resist. "I care, Jean. I've always cared. Why didn't you tell me? You can always tell me."
I just shook my head. I couldn't speak any longer. All I could think about was Reggie, tied up like an animal in the back of Howard's car. All I could think about was what they were going to do to him...
"I'm so sorry... I didn't know. If I did... Come on, we need to go."
"Where?"
"We need to get Father's car, and we need to find Howard."
A wave of hope bubbled up within me, and I flung my arms around Gaven's neck.

§§§

Gaven and I spent the better part of the early morning trawling the streets for any sign of Howard and his mob. Howard hadn't told Gaven where they were taking Reggie, only that they were going to, "deal with him."
Those words had made my blood run cold. By the time the sky was blushing with the first traces of dawn, I knew our efforts were futile. All we could do was wait for Howard to show himself.
When we returned home, I refused to sleep. I nestled myself in the window box, scanning the road outside for Howard's car, or maybe even for Reggie. But no sign came. By nightfall, I was so drained physically and emotionally that I fell asleep in the window box, never wanting to leave my post.
It wasn't until Monday morning that I heard the news. A body had been found, strung up in a barn, so battered that it was near impossible to get a positive identification. I can't tell you much of what happened after that moment, because everything from that point on tends to fade into obscurity. Perhaps that's the mind's way of numbing the full force of grief. Reggie's mother reported him missing, and she was only able to confirm the body was his by the small, tear-shaped birthmark on his collarbone. But by then I already knew the body in the barn had been Reggie; I had known since the moment that car drove away that I'd never see Reggie alive again. I just didn't want to believe it.
Despite the dual testimony that Gaven and I gave at Reggie's murder trial, the judge deemed that there wasn't enough evidence to convict Howard or his accomplices. To me, that was the final injustice. A beautiful life, snuffed out because of hatred and ignorance, and then never rectified.
Howard went on to become a doctor, and he did marry a girl from our town, but that's as far about his life as I know. I moved away from New Orleans as soon as I could, trying to bury my past in a place where I could never see it, or feel it.
I got a job as a secretary (not exactly the life my Father had envisioned for me), married a clerk and had two children to him. But Reggie is always there, in the back of my mind, a constant reminder to what my life could have been like, and the way in which he saved me from it.

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Tag der Veröffentlichung: 24.09.2011

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Please Note: I do not intend to be offensive with this piece; I tried to write in a way consistent with a 1950s state-of-mind. I apologise sincerely if anyone finds this to be inappropriate. — Beth