BookRix

I liked your story. I liked the mention of the sock monkey hat. I tried to imagine how it looked. Enjoyed this story because it can be many things. Friends getting to know each other or a couple starting a romance. I liked how he helped her be at ease through talking.

An interesting piece! The theme of 'oxygen' is applied greatly, and it makes me think beyond the "breath of fresh air" that, as you say, we take for granted.

I'm very glad I read this. 8)

Thank you for your kind comments on my story. I really did want to portray both characters through their dialogue, almost like Hemingway did in Hills Like White Elephants. I think I'll be writing more short stories similar to this style as well. Maybe now that I've gotten more feedback from all of you, my next story should be better.

Review - After reading both stories and the critique by Happy Dagger, I must say that you have definitely worked hard to do a good job.

Personally I liked the second re-write best. You tightened your sentences, made them easy to read. The dialogue was always good, moved smoothly. But by tightening it, I got a better feel for the characters. I really liked how you were able to say a lot about your main character through her conversation. I also enjoyed the gentleness of the second character. How through conversation you were able to show his quirky, fun character as well.
There was an innocence in this budding relationship you also framed well through the dialogue.
I'm impressed that you took the feedback you got to heart and worked hard to take out some of the 'fluff' as well as understand how changing it would make it a tighter story. Overall, wonderful job and you have a nice little story now. Robynn

It was part of the February challenge so I was told to put the comments in the book :D I guess I wanted to share the story and the progress. And I wanted to give HappyDagger some credit for helping me out with the story. Thanks for making it a favorite ^_^ I had fun writing this

I liked the story, both versions.

I am not so sure the critique should have been included in the book, although they were well thought out.
I think it took away from the story.

They should have been put in comments, not in the book.

Good job on the story.

Thank you! I was trying that we take things like oxygen a bit too lightly sometimes :)

You have put emotion into an everyday force that people take for granted.
Good read.
:3

~Edan! <3

Awesome! I loved your story and I know a lot of other people are going to enjoy it as well