Oxygen Original

Mom hated when I went out for walks at night. I usually argued that I needed some air and that the exercise would do me good. I strolled up Woodbine St. and past Rosemary Park. I made a left and slowed my pace in an attempt to extend my nocturnal walks. It wasn’t as cold as it could have been for a January night but I kept my sock monkey hat on. I had figured if I looked like a weirdo then the chances of me being assaulted would go down a bit.
The gates of the cemetery that shared the block with the park came into few a few minutes later.
I walked up to the gates of the park and walked down the path that wound past the soccer field and around the jungle gyms and workout area. I walked even slower as the lower Manhattan skyline came into view on my left. Astoria queens was also visible since it was a clear night. The bright lights of the City Bank building stood proudly across the river from the sky scrapers of Midtown Manhattan. I turned right walked up a slight hill and turned towards one of the jungle gyms. He was there again. Usurping the space and air that I felt I had a claim to. No one else was usually around past 8pm in the park except me, that guy and a few people walking their dogs after hours.
I had claimed ownership of the jungle gym weeks ago. The moment I’d step off the path that circumnavigated most of the park I’d go to the jungle gym, climb around and then lug myself onto the top of the monkey bars. I’d sit letting my feet dangle from between bars and try to imagine what would happen if I’d hang upside down for too long. From the monkey bars I had a good view of the lights from upper Queens and of Manhattan. I was also able to see the squat factory buildings from Bushwick. There was air up there on the monkey bars. Way more air than there was at home. No angry words and tension floating around burning up all the oxygen in the atmosphere making it hard for me to breathe. And then He came along.
Now there he was on my monkey bars. Taking up my air. Pushing me out of my space burning up the oxygen in the air like a flame.
“I usually sit there”
“Oh, good evening!”
“Good evening to you too, I’d just like to say that I usually sit there”
“I know I see you up here a few times a week. I was always wondering why and once I climbed up I couldn’t help but notice the view”
I didn’t respond. I didn’t know how to. He smiled down at me swinging his long legs.
“Aren’t you coming up?”
“I usually sit here alone”
“Wouldn’t you rather have company?”
“No”
“Oh. So why do you come here so much”
“I needed some air”
“I guess you need air all the time”
“I guess so”
I looked at the ground and waited for him to notice that I wanted him to leave the monkey bars.
“So are you coming up or not?”
“I guess not. I’d prefer to have some space”
“There’s plenty of space don’t you think?”
“No”
“Do you know what I usually do when I need to get some air?”
I didn’t answer
“I inhale slowly and then I exhale. I concentrate on trying to find all the nitrogen, oxygen and carbon dioxide. When that doesn’t work I’ll sing.”
I didn’t know what to say. I began to turn towards the soccer field.
I heard him jump down.
“Alright alright, I’ll leave if you want me to. Maybe I’m the one who needed company”
I didn’t want to be such a hardass. I just wanted space and air since there wasn’t any at home.
I climbed the monkey bars and looked down at him.
“What do you usually sing?”
He looked up.
“I sing anything that matches a particular mood”
“Can you show me?”
He climbed up and swung his legs around a bar to face me
“You say goodbye and I say hellooooooooo”
I laughed
“Yeah laughing is a great way to get some air too!”
“I bet you don’t know how to sing La Paloma, just humming it gives me enough oxygen to last for weeks”
“Si a tu ventana viene una paloma, tratala con carino que es mi persona…”
My eyes widened in shock. I didn’t think he’d know that song. He looked at our legs swinging several feet above the ground.
“I heard you humming it the other night when you where leaving the park”
I looked at him and tried to remember why his company had bothered me before.
“Did you get enough air?”
“Yeah”
“Good”
He turned his head towards Manhattan and took a deep breath. He exhaled and jumped down.
“Where are you going?”
He held out his hand
“I know a few other places that are good for getting some air”
I jumped down and placed my hand in his.

Oxygen Revised

I enjoyed this story and I do not have a heavy critique, in regards to flow or the story telling aspect of it. Your dialogue was believable and the story was structured well, in regards to taking the reader from one state to another. I caught on how you applied the subject of breathing in the story to reflect on the theme of oxygen. Since this is the first time any of us have done this type of exercise, I am not sure how hardcore Lisa wanted the theme of oxygen addressed. However, she did say you could write a story on the theme and it was brought up in the writing. I hope this story goes further - into a novel, etc. For the few words allowed in the exercise, I believe this beginning has potential to go in that direction.

Do not be distressed by the bleeding red lines below. Most of the lines are suggestions, something for you to consider from someone who has read your work. As a writer, take it with a grain of salt and it is understandable if you do not agree and choose to use it or ignore it.

Also, this is new to me and I have only edited one other person's work, before yours. So, I am, by no means, a veteran editor and you may want to get further editing/critiques from others and cross-reference the results for a better view on your work.

Cheers,

Happy Dagger


Mom hated when I went out for walks at night. I usually argued that I needed some air

Change to: 'Mom hated it when...'

Suggestion: "I need some air," or, "The exercise will do me good," were my usual arguments.

and that the exercise would do me good. I strolled up Woodbine St. and past Rosemary

If you prefer not to change parts of the above sentence into dialogue then change it to:' exercise would do me some good.'

Park. I made a left and slowed my pace in an attempt to extend my nocturnal walks. It

Suggestion: take out 'in an attempt' - it makes the sentence stronger - less passive.

Nocturnal 'walk' instead of 'walks' - assuming that you are speaking of the current walk taking place.

wasn’t as cold as it could have been for a January night, but I kept my sock monkey hat

on. I had figured if I looked like a weirdo then the chances of me being assaulted would

Suggestion/Change to: 'I figured,'… and… 'my' chances of being'…

go down a bit.

The gates of the cemetery that shared the block with the park came into few a few minutes later.

Possibly: The gates of 'a' cemetery… & …came into 'view,' a few…

I walked up to the gates of the park and walked down the path that wound past the soccer

Suggestion: remove the 2nd 'walked' - making it ' and down the path that wound…'

field, around the jungle gyms, and the workout area. I walked even slower as the lower

Change 'gyms,' to 'gym,' - unless you are speaking of multiple jungle gyms - if that is the case, please disregard this suggestion.

Manhattan skyline came into view on my left; Astoria queens was also visible, since it

Possibly: 'Astoria, Queens' instead of 'queens' (Not sure - I am not that familiar with N.Y.)

was a clear night. The bright lights of the City Bank building stood proudly across the river from the sky scrapers of Midtown Manhattan. I turned right, walked up a slight hill, and turned towards one of the jungle gyms. He was there, again, usurping the space and air that I felt I had a claim to.

Suggestion: 'He was there, again, usurping the space and air that I claimed as my own.'

No one else was usually around past 8pm in the park, except me, that guy, and a few people walking their dogs after hours.
I had claimed ownership of the jungle gym, weeks ago. The moment I’d step off the path

that circumnavigated most of the park, I’d go to the jungle gym, climb around and then lug myself onto the top of the monkey bars. I’d sit letting my feet dangle from between bars and try to imagine what would happen if I’d hang upside down for too long. From

Change: 'hang' to 'hung'

the monkey bars, I had a good view of the lights from upper Queens and of Manhattan. I was also able to see the squat factory buildings from Bushwick. There was air up there on the monkey bars, way more air than there was at home. No angry words and tension

Suggestion: …'was at home - no angry words and tension floating around, burning up all oxygen in the atmosphere, and making it hard for me to breathe.

floating around burning up all the oxygen in the atmosphere making it hard for me to breathe. And then He came along. Now there he was on my monkey bars, taking up my air, pushing me out of my space, and burning up the oxygen in the air like a flame.
“I usually sit there.”
“Oh, good evening!”
“Good evening to you too. I’d just like to say that I usually sit there”
“I know. I see you up here a few times a week. I was always wondering why. And once I climbed up, I couldn’t help but notice the view”
I didn’t respond. I didn’t know how to. He smiled down at me swinging his long legs.

Suggestion: change 2nd sentence to: ' I didn't know what to say.'

“Aren’t you coming up?”
“I usually sit here alone.”
“Wouldn’t you rather have company?”
“No.”
“Oh. So why do you come here so much?”
“I needed some air.”
“I guess you need air all the time.”
“I guess so.”
I looked at the ground and waited for him to notice that I wanted him to leave the monkey bars.
“So are you coming up or not?”
“I guess not. I’d prefer to have some space.”
“There’s plenty of space don’t you think?”
“No.”
“Do you know what I usually do when I need to get some air?”
I didn’t answer.
“I inhale slowly and then I exhale. I concentrate on trying to find all the nitrogen, oxygen and carbon dioxide. When that doesn’t work I’ll sing.”
I didn’t know what to say. I began to turn towards the soccer field.
I heard him jump down.
“Alright, alright, I’ll leave if you want me to. Maybe I’m the one who needed company”
I didn’t want to be such a hardass. I just wanted space and air since there wasn’t any at home.
I climbed the monkey bars and looked down at him.
“What do you usually sing?”
He looked up.
“I sing anything that matches a particular mood”
“Can you show me?”
He climbed up and swung his legs around a bar to face me
“You say goodbye and I say hellooooooooo.”
I laughed.
“Yeah laughing is a great way to get some air too!”
“I bet you don’t know how to sing La Paloma, just humming it gives me enough oxygen to last for weeks.”
“Si a tu ventana viene una paloma, tratala con carino que es mi persona…”
My eyes widened in shock. I didn’t think he’d know that song. He looked at our legs swinging several feet above the ground.
“I heard you humming it the other night when you where leaving the park.”
I looked at him and tried to remember why his company had bothered me before.
“Did you get enough air?”
“Yeah.”
“Good.”
He turned his head towards Manhattan and took a deep breath. He exhaled and jumped down.
“Where are you going?”
He held out his hand.
“I know a few other places that are good for getting some air.”
I jumped down and placed my hand in his.

Pure Oxygen

Mom hated when I went out for walks at night.
“I need some air” or “The exercise will do me good” were my usual arguments.
I strolled up Woodbine St. and past Rosemary Park. I made a left and slowed my pace to extend my nocturnal walk. It wasn’t as cold as it could have been for a January night but I kept my sock monkey hat on. I figured if I looked like a weirdo then the chances of my being assaulted would go down a bit.
The gates of a cemetery that shared the block with the park came into view a few minutes later.
I walked up to the gates of the park making it down the path that wound past the soccer field and around the jungle gyms and the workout area. I walked even slower as the lower Manhattan skyline came into view on my left. Astoria,Queens was also visible since it was a clear night. The bright lights of the City Bank building stood proudly across the river from the sky scrapers of Midtown Manhattan. I turned right, walked up a slight hill, and turned towards one of the jungle gyms. He was there again, usurping the space and air that I felt I had a claim to. No one else was usually around past 8pm in the park except me, that guy, and a few people walking their dogs after hours.
I had claimed ownership of the jungle gym weeks ago. The moment I’d step off the path that circumnavigated most of the park, I’d go to the jungle gym, climb around and then lug myself onto the top of the monkey bars. I’d sit letting my feet dangle from between bars and try to imagine what would happen if I’d hung upside down for too long. From the monkey bars, I had a good view of the lights from upper Queens and of Manhattan. I was also able to see the squat factory buildings from Bushwick. There was air up there on the monkey bars, way more air than there was at home. No angry words and tension floating around, burning up all the oxygen in the atmosphere and making it hard for me to breathe. And then He came along.
Now there he was on my monkey bars. Taking up my air, pushing me out of my space ,and burning up the oxygen in the air like a flame.
“I usually sit there”
“Oh, good evening!”
“Good evening to you too, I’d just like to say that I usually sit there”
“I know I see you up here a few times a week. I was always wondering why. And once I climbed up I couldn’t help but notice the view”
I didn’t respond. I didn’t know what to say. He smiled down at me swinging his long legs.
“Aren’t you coming up?”
“I usually sit here alone”
“Wouldn’t you rather have company?”
“No”
“Oh. So why do you come here so much?”
“I needed some air”
“I guess you need air all the time”
“I guess so”
I looked at the ground and waited for him to notice that I wanted him to leave the monkey bars.
“So are you coming up or not?”
“I guess not. I’d prefer to have some space”
“There’s plenty of space don’t you think?”
“No”
“Do you know what I usually do when I need to get some air?”
I didn’t answer
“I inhale slowly and then I exhale. I concentrate on trying to find all the nitrogen, oxygen and carbon dioxide. When that doesn’t work I’ll sing.”
I didn’t know what to say. I began to turn towards the soccer field.
I heard him jump down.
“Alright alright, I’ll leave if you want me to. Maybe I’m the one who needed company”
I didn’t want to be such a hardass. I just wanted space and air since there wasn’t any at home.
I climbed the monkey bars and looked down at him.
“What do you usually sing?”
He looked up.
“I sing anything that matches a particular mood”
“Can you show me?”
He climbed up and swung his legs around a bar to face me
“You say goodbye and I say hellooooooooo”
I laughed
“Yeah laughing is a great way to get some air too!”
“I bet you don’t know how to sing La Paloma, just humming it gives me enough oxygen to last for weeks”
“Si a tu ventana viene una paloma, tratala con carino que es mi persona…”
My eyes widened in shock. I didn’t think he’d know that song. He looked at our legs swinging several feet above the ground.
“I heard you humming it the other night when you where leaving the park”
I looked at him and tried to remember why his company had bothered me before.
“Did you get enough air?”
“Yeah”
“Good”
He turned his head towards Manhattan and took a deep breath. He exhaled and jumped down.
“Where are you going?”
He held out his hand
“I know a few other places that are good for getting some air”
I jumped down and placed my hand in his.

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 01.03.2012

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