I'm so inspired to get my second part done now.

vote and leave a heart, and take your first installment...enjoyed it as much the second time around..p

I've given it a slight overhall now and got rid of some of the 'fading' descriptions.
Only a slight difference, but it may read a bit better now.

Thanks a lot for taking the time to write your comments. They are much appreciated and are good sign as well as a big help. I will have to look into his 'fading' as many have mentioned and maybe review it to make it a little less of a drag for the reader, (along with one or two other issues). I was trying to intersperse what she was up to, with what was happening to him. I may have over-cooked it a little.
But, for a first story, i'm quite pleased with the response so far.
Thanks again to all.

..to a point and then I drifted off. Sorry.

Here's where i think you need to improve: (Please take it or leave it. this is only one persons opinion and others may differ).

1.Shorter paragraphs. There were quite a few natural breaks to be had.

2. Try to incorporate some dialogue, even if he's just talking to himself or his horse.

3. Get to the point a bit quicker. It kinda went on and on for me.

Not sure about you mentioning the smell of him opening his bowels. Do we really need to know that?

I think there is a good premise of a story here, but you really need to find a style that will offer some excitement, whether it be the character or the plot or the dialogue; do something that makes the reader want to keep turning the pages.

Sorry to be blunt here, but i thought you'd appreciate an honest opinion.

The bit i forgot to mention is that i saw glimpses of a good writer in you. You just need to put some work into that and develop as we all have to develop.

Good luck
Wendy
xx

an interesting short story {or first chapter} but it was well written.

g.d. has a point but then the last twenty minutes of Lord of The Rings {movie}, I wanted him to get in the boat already!

Maybe degrees of fading so when the final fade happens, it is expected...p

except for the multiple times that his lingering death "faded"...maybe a tiny bit of rewording wouldn't make his lingering death so, so.. well, lingering? something.. I just wanted to say "oh die already!"

Get prose, I visualized the battle, his fear, and cowardice as well as his confusion and humor. I look forward to reading how and why "Octavia" decided to interfere with history.

I wanted to create a story that would apeal to women as well as men, but use a genre which is usually associated with male readers.
So, in your case, so far i have succeded!
Cool :)

you have the makings of a great story here. My imagination was sparked and made me want to read more. Strange, this usually isn't my type of plot I like to read about.

There is a reason that Arementes asks that last question, and it will become more apparant in subsequent books...