Hi Robin, thanks for looking that up for me. Much appreciated.
Hi Rebekah, thanks for your comments. I really appreciate your honesty and critique. I will edit those things you pointed out. Thanks again.
Have a lovely Easter to both of you.
Cheers, MD

I think you're fine with entering this story in the "My Best Fiction" contest.
I've seen several books entered here that I've seen in previous contests. Bek's story was entered into two contests at the same time, and had a 'voting trophy' over in the BOW, which was gathering votes from people who weren't familiar with the voting process for those particular contests. (They don't use trophys). Those votes were also being calculated into the tally for "The Family Story" competition, and so she had to decide which contest she wanted to keep it in...(I think that was the problem there)...I don't think you need to worry.
Good luck!

Robin

Hi Allanah,

I remember this story going into the BoW. They may not let you resubmit. I had a story entered into the family contest and then entered it into that BoW and it was removed from the BoW. Might be worth checking.

Love the description, your use of contrast and the fact you knew which 'whose/who's' to use.

You've got a nice opening, setting the scene, introducing the characters and letting us feel your tone.

Tense suggestions: Pg 6 ...Large windows were imbedded into the walls, including a picture window... 'including' should be 'included'. Pg 6 ...her haughty expression even outdoing her mother's... 'outdoing' should be 'outdid'. ...She glared scorchingly at her mother and father as she got to her feet before storming out of the room... Parts of this sentence are in present tense too. Suggest changing to ...She glared scorchingly at her mother and father as she got to her feet, then stormed from the room... Pg 6 ...She did plan to sleep. Her brain was working over time (confusing), would work better as (Her brain worked over time).

Dialogue suggestions: Pg 6 ...Rachel, we have told you a thousand times... I think it is more realistic to use contractions in speech. Instead of 'we have' use 'we've'.

Pg 6 ...sitting opposite to the husband and wife there was a girl who was obviously their daughter... You could tighten your writing here by getting rid of 'to', 'was a girl' and 'obviously' and the sentence would not lose its meaning or impact. Plus, you have two 'was's' very close together in this sentence.

Pg 6 ...she possessed the pencil-life figure... I think you meant 'pencil-like'.

Pg 6 ...the husky voice of Rachel was different for any teenage... I think 'for' needs changing, maybe to 'that'.

I think this is a really good story and with a re-edit that includes tightening where you can, concentration on your tense agreement and checking realism of dialogue, and you'll have a beauty. Good luck, I will vote for you.

Bek

Hi Robin. Thank you for your inspiring comments. Also, thanks for voting!

Beautifully written romantic tragedy.
Already 'saved to favorites', but I actually get to 'hit the trophy' this time :)

Best to you in the contest,

Robin

Thanks very much, shobana. :)

Very nice write. It's a very dramatic situation in Haiti and you pay them a great tribute. Thinking it could happen to us, makes my body shiver and the authorities didn't announce anybody! Great story. Good luck!

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Thanks so much, Elizabeth. I'm really glad you liked it. Sorry it stopped you from what you were doing lol but I'm still so glad it did :)

Allanah, even though tragedies are very sad and normally something I'd avoid this time of night, this story drew me right in and riveted my attention to the end. Your characters, descriptions and the plot you wove were totally believable, as was the message it carried. Couldn't stop reading to do what I'd planned. Keep writing, and best of luck...C