It seems every time I come anywhere close to forgiving my father and letting go of what he's done to my mother, sister, and myself something else pops up again. Something else reminds me why I hate him and it just stirs the pot more. He thinks that he's done nothing wrong and that everything is Mom's fault or the system's fault, he's even said so himself.

I don't know, guys, I guess right now the reasoning for this... rant, is because I'm a little mad at the military system. We had had to go on base to get new military id cards for my sister and myself. While we were at it, Mom tried to see about what she could do about her insurance that she - got - from the military. Because she wasn't married to him for 20 years of active duty and she is now divorced and it has been a little over a year since her divorce she can no longer get her medical insurance (Rule on 20/20/20 ). So now I'm having to remind myself that the Lord will provide what she needs just in order to keep myself from breaking. It really hurts me because she needs all sorts of meds, some of which control her blood pressure. Which will keep in from sky rocketing resulting in a stroke or worse, death. So right now, I guess my frustration goes towards the military system, but because my father was military.... Well.... It is technically his fault. If he had never left us in the first place I wouldn't have had to go through dealing with all Mom's surgery without that support from another parent, I wouldn't have had to deal with the creeps that I've dealt with because he wouldn't took care of them, but at the same time, I feel as if I wouldn't have anything to write about... At least I wouldn't have all these holes in my heart...

Today, I’ll be going to the school at my church, I’ve been homeschooled for the past 6 years and it’s been about that time since I’ve been to the school… I’m really nervous (I threw up in my mouth the shower, blek, sorry for too much info….), so I’m asking for prayers that it’ll be a good school year!

thankyou for accepting my friend request!

After that fiasco that I pulled Sunday night/Monday morning, I'm still not feeling very well... I'm still upset, I mean, yeah, it helped to be helping wit the 2s and 3 year olds last night at church, but I'm still hurting. I haven't been able to get.. HIM out of my head. Right now, all that I'd really like to do, other than cry, is to BASH his head into a concrete wall and beat him up.

Yeah, I realize that saying that makes me look bad not only as a Christian, but as a person, but you now what?! He shouldn't have done that crap that he did to me... to my FAMILY!

Just to let you know on a little secret, I'm writing an autobiography. I'm thinking about writing 2, one with negative things that has happened in my life and one with the positive things that has happened in my life. I hope that if you're reading this that you might read them once I get them up here!

Thank you for listening (reading) my rants,
Berlee Rut

He confessed to her that he often felt fear, and only a few days before this battle, he had received her answer. "Of course you fear ... all brave men do. Didn't King David know fear? That's why he wrote the Twenty-third Psalm. Next time you doubt yourself, I want you to hear my voice reciting to you: "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil, for Thou art with me..." (from Appointment with Love
By S.L Kishor)

Also, if you guys have something against the way that I believe, keep it to yourself. Because we all believe differently. No I will not try to make you be a Christian, now I might tell you about God, but telling you about God and making you become a Christian are 2 VERY different things.

Here, I tell you that there is no my God or your God, One supernatural power in all religions is "God" for me, so one or more Gods is a weak ground. If you believe that you don't believe many people with their own many beliefs, that too I can't help. I believe my God of consciousness. Aquilla, every man is a God.. you know it and I believe you will
know.

Thank you for spending some time on thinking anf writing. Wish you all the best, a nice week of all the weeks spent.

In a correspondence to my second top most post on here, I... erm... I actually did the impossible. It was about March, this year, 2015... It was for a bridge building thing to do with our parents (Kinda like a team building activity... Actually, now that I think about it it was EXACTLY that!) ... Anywho, I was wrong in the top most post.. It was About 3 years since I had emailed him and... Oh Lord, what was it? I think the last time I actually heard his voice was (before March) was in January of 2011...? That was also the last time I saw him...

Okay, to the point of all this now. I ended up talking to him on the phone to try to do this thing. It was one of the biggest obstacles that I have ever faced in my life, yet! It was really difficult and I ended up turning what should've only have taken 2 weeks into like a 3 to 4 week project... I'm still not done with it. I have the last day to do with him still and I can't do it... The last thing was to send each, written on paper (Or in my case via email would work), a prayer that you would pray for the other person. My problem? I'd rather he die than pray for him, and it is just as wrong to pray for him to die as it is to well... To put it in simpler terms, it's pretty much murder through God's eyes.

The whole project in and out of itself stirred up many of my emotions: depression, anger, loneliness, sadness, hurt, regret, I basically LIVE the circle of grief... After *that* experience I had to go to schedule a counseling session with the youth pastor at my church.

*Sighs* I know that this... what should I call it? Article, post? Whatever you wanna call it. I know that this *thing* is all over the place. I have the whole timeline thing all over the place, and if wouldn't be for the fact that I'm writing this really late at night it would probably be... Well.... more organized, and I have to write this now otherwise it'll NEVER get written...

Okay, back to what was saying... AGIAN... The questions that we had to ask each other really were not that hard to answer, but the answers... Oh my gosh, it was definitely NOT as easy as taking candy from a baby or whatever the phrase is, I'm a little too tired to remember the saying properly... What I'm trying to say is: HE NEVER FREAKING ANSWERED THE QUESTIONS PROPERLY!!! HE WOULD GIVE SIMPLE LITTLE ANSWERS WHILE MINE WERE WEll THOUGHT OUT AND ORGANIZED!!!! I HATED IT! I WAS PRETTY MUCH A STRANGER THAT HE DID NOT WISH TO TALK TO BECAUSE I HAD WRONGED HIM OR SOMETHING, BUT WHEN YOU GET RIGHT DOWN TO IT *I* WAS THE ONE WHO WAS WRONGED!!! MY CHILDHOOD WAS TAKEN AWAY FROM AT AN EARLY AGE, HE LEFT US THREE GIRLS (my mother, my little sister, and myself) TO SURVIVE IN THIS SORRY EXCUSE FOR A WORLD... and I say that because as a writer I've made better worlds, please do not take offence if you are reading this... HE FREAKING HURT ME, LITERALLY!!! I WAS ONLY 7 AND WANTING TO KNOW WHERE MY MOM WAS WHEN HE BEAT MY ARMS BLACK AND BLUE FOR LEAVING A BUNCH OF MESSAGES FOR HER ON HER PHONE!!

THERE HAVE BEEN SOO MANY FREAKING TIMES WHERE I ACTUALLY NEEDED A DAD THERE FOR ME, BUT NO, HE *HAD* TO BE SELFISH!! HE *HAD* TO LEAVE THIS FAMILY AND NEVER RETURN!! SO HERE I AM DADLESS GOING ON... WELL IT MIGHT AS WELL BE MY WHOLE LIFE AS HE NEVER TRULY WAS A DAD!

That right there is why I'm a writer! Because I have a buttload of feelings to let out and I just so happen to do that through writing. It originally was because I wanted to bring him home from working in Iraq when I was twelve, but ya know, you might as well forget that, nope. Never going to happen... -_-

Guys, I"m sorry for all the typos in this writing, I'm sorry for the gaps and for the terrible writing, but I ave been up all night writing this and the sun is rising as I type right now... I'm not going to bother to go through this to look for the typos, as my dog just escaped from the back yard, and yes, the family is up looking for him... I hope your morning goes better than mine is going. Good night.

Faith is life. Faith is power source. I like people with faith. Nothing lost by faith.

I don't understand it.... why did I have to go up without a Dad? Of all people, why did I have to be one of them?! It's not fair. I can remember a time hen we all lives underneath the same house, a time when he wore a uniform and would babysit me at his work from time to time and the Gunny didn't care just as long as I was a good girl, which I normally was. So why did it have to happen to me?? What does God have in store with all of that? I just don't understand, and I want to stop hurting, and I'd actually like to know what it's like to grow up with a dad.

Now I'm realizing that I wish that I didn't have to say goodbye to him... He was a good friend, but he's changed for the worse.... *sigh*