that was so sad but i loved it. It pulled me in so much i didn't notice any spelling or grammar errors. I love books that do that! :)
I feel so bad for the girls too! They didn't deserve that kind of treatment, but unfortunatley, there are kids that suffer like that and never get out of it.
--lacy

I liked it. Though it was sad it was a very good book.

I don't know why I like stories like these, but I do. Whether they be fiction or non they always speak to me. I didn't grow up in the best of ways nor in the worst by any means but any abuse sticks with you for the rest of your life. A million sorries may be able to heal a wound but nothing can ever fill in a scar. As for any corrections I agree with Laz. I was so pulled in that I didn't really notice them. We are here to enjoy eachother's writing and along the way if we decide to get published then it is time to be anal about those things. Until then enjoy the flow of your natural ability to write; because you definately got it.

this story until tonight when Laz gave me the link.

It terrifies me to know that there are mothers like the one in your story and the last line of the book made me cry - very good...Paula

Fantastic! A well woven story. I wish I'd read it before.
The tale, so interesting, dissolved any grammatical, and spelling errors.
Well done..held my attention from the start to the very end.
Laz

Hi Rgabel,

Sorry it's taken me so long to get to yours, I have had a lot of requests.

I hate your cover, lol, that's only because I HATE spiders. You've already creeped me out and I haven't even opened the book yet, hahaha.

On p6 you've written 'acing' instead of 'aching'.

I'd go with contractions in your dialogue for things like, 'you are'. Also, one exclamation mark is enough.

When a person says something to another, and that person says the other's name, then a comma must come before the name: 'I won't do it again, Mum'.

I think you've done wonderfully in bring the scenes to life. I like the girl's voice and you've done well with this.

Commas always before 'which' when it's used to introduce a relative clause, otherwise, change it to 'that'.

Sunshiney days should be hyphenated as is acjectival here.

You could probably chop some of the bug stuff because it's not crucial to the story, even one line would have shown the teacher in her teaching role.

On p10, I thought this line: 'Then it was the time she dreaded most, going home' what a good one. It would be even better if the comma were changed to an unspaced em dash, which you can find in the symbols in word. Your way isn't wrong, but the em dash would offset this perfectly, given it extra oomph.

I think you've increased the tension slowly and clevely, it has really helped the story.

The comma isn't needed on pg 10 between 'resist' and 'running'.

In some places you've performed what's known as a comma splice. It is when you use a comma in a place that really should have a semi-colon.

I think you'd benefit from some reading on grammar and punctuation. Particularly your verbs, adjectives and your comma and semi-colon use.

I remember you said you've read 'The Elements of Style' by Strunk and White, I'd suggest revisiting this. Also, The Little Green Grammar Book by Mark Treddinick, this is good, too.

All in all, your writing style is good. You're voice shines through.

Good luck with the contest and keep writing!

Bek :)

Sad, but excellently written. You have a talent for descriptive writing. You have my vote!

Wow!it really pulled me in.I felt really sorry for those little girls.U got my vote.Next time u write, I would like 2 read it.

and good luck!

I rather enjoyed that - I like your style! Good work.