I really liked this. To begin with I felt some of the words were a little big in the first page but then I felt like I could read more. :)

Hi...great piece. Hit home for me; you definitely captured all the resentment, frustration, and fear that go along with any eating disorder. My only suggestion would be, as mirandabm mentioned, a stronger ending. I would insert the short sentence about Carly ahead of the final sentence, and provide details about the emotions she felt walking away...guilt about her mother, maybe a little chest pressure or light-headedness. I always like a dramatic ending, but that's just my suggestion. Overall, great job!

You conveyed her insecurity very effectively.

Good luck!

Betty

I apparently missed all the needed corrections..hahaha

This had a one, two punch...I loved it!

The only thing I would have had different is that she looked pleased. I would have left the almost out because the character of the sister is reflected as being impatient, or jealous of the attention that the neurotic one is receiving.

Very good job with the characters in such a short piece...Paula

Interesting story. She has all the makings of a budding schizophrenic which makes me wonder if eating disorders have kinship with this more severe condition. From what I have learned with people I know, an eating disorder is much like obsessive compulsive disorder. They fixate on their justifications for what they do and why and can not let go. This particular character seems really paranoid especially when it comes to competing with her sister who appears to have a better relationship with the mother than the victim herself. Is it attention-getting behavior to present herself with such a severe case of ennui?

Oky dokes. I've found and fixed those pesky tense errors, lol... The spelling, I don't think I can find any, but I know what its like when you re-read your own work. I'm really, really okay with people showing the page number and word they think is spelled incorrectly.

Thanks loads to all who have assisted in my editing.

Bek

Hi Bek, I read your book and want to give it another read before I give more comments. One thing that stood out to me was the last sentence. You wrote, Carly almost looks pleased...I think it would sound better if it read: Carly looks almost pleased. The reason: almost needs to describe pleased, and when placed before looks, it means almost looks instead of the inference on pleased. I liked the piece and will get back to you on this....Elizabeth

There's something strange about this story, but it adds to the strength of the characters. In a very short story you captured the imagination, for that alone it's a job well done.

You showed in your story about an eating disorder of Jessie. It seems that the smell of the food disgusts her. The most common types of eating disorders are anorexia nervosa, anorexia bulimia and binge. People who stay in the hospital are those who have serious weight or severe medical problems. None of these disorders support the idea that patients disgust the smell of the food because of their sickness. There are also no known medicines to treat such disorder. But the doctor may prescribe anti-depressant if the person is suffering of depression or anxiety. Usually, they undergo counseling to be able to recover from such disorder. Family members play an important role in the recovery of a patient. I just want to share this brief information, which I hope might help you. But overall, you have a great concept with your story. Goodluck!

Your right, this was short. There are some spelling errors and sentence problems. Unfortunately, The story was not long enough to get into. I would like to read more./joeparente