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Gelöschter User

The ending did not fit the whole concept of short shorts. Just say something that vindicates Suzie's observation...something like Ew! I'm never eating broccoli again! The End.

Be less of a parent in this story and more of a supporting cast to the character who dominated the story...Suzie.

The ending you used invited more of a story which will defeat the purpose of keeping it short and sweet. The moral of this tale...don't make... mehr anzeigen

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rebekahjennings
rebekahjennings

Hi Marion,

Thanks for the read and feedback. You know, I think you might be right. When I wrote this short piece I was trying to make the protagonist the mother, but in saying that the story told itself and has insisted on Suzie having the main role. I will look at revising this.

Thanks again,

Bek :)

bettyc
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bettyc

I enjoyed reading the very realistic description of a family meal; it reminded me of similar situations with my grandchildren...:-)
The dialogue was lively.
There seems to be an error in the last sentence:
It's either the shop where we're getting them from or we've been eating caterpillars all this time and not noticed until Suzie began pointed them out.'
Surely it should be: 'until Suzie began pointing them out.'
Betty

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rebekahjennings
rebekahjennings

Thanks Betty, yes you are right. I should have said 'pointing them out'. Lol... It doesn't seem to matter how many times one reads something for edit.

Bek :)

paulashene
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paulashene

Yuck! Definitely put me off my feed at that table...Paula

gooduklady
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gooduklady

Hi Rebekah

Well, it certainly is a short story, no doubt about it. It's difficult to critique something so abbreviated. All I can tell you is that I felt uncomfortable with the flow in the beginning. When you said "Mark, Suzie's dad" and "Sean, Suzie's brother" I felt that they were awkward sentences. Perhaps you could re-arrange those two so that they sound better? All the best. Valerie

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rebekahjennings
rebekahjennings

I'll have a look at those two items, thanks Valerie. I know, I freaked at the whole 300 word thing. Then I googled 300 word short stories and came up with a web site on it. They called it flash fiction. I checked out some of the stories, and I guess they weren't much different.

I... mehr anzeigen