First, i liked the way the point of view changed throughout the story; I imagine that took some thought. I also liked the sense of mystery that emanated from certain parts of the story. Like, you didn't really know who "Sandra Bullock" was...but i guess that doesn't matter, since she was only a small part of the story...The only part that i would work on, was the use of adjectives. Maybe, you could have described what peoples eyes, skin, and hair looked like. For example, you could say something like: he had electrifying blue eyes, was so slim it was scary, ghostly pale skin, perfect white teeth, and luscious black hair, that completely covered his right eye. But, I'm only 11 so I guess my criticism doesn't mean much...Still, great story!

...you've broken this up. For me, it was an easy and engrossing read. I like the way you did it, but that's my own opinion. I'm just a beginning writer and have much to learn in the way of formatting. Still...I liked it.
The story itself was told very well. I especially enjoyed your characterizations...the realness of how people's personalities change in the scenes between friends and then a quick switch back to their 'professional' face. I liked the 'real' nervous thinking of the new Foster mom etc.
I want to agree with gooduklady, and a few others about the ending (and I wouldn't put "The End" there either...you might just want to erase that). I felt it wasn't a resolution to the conflict, yet on the other hand you did leave it wide open for a continuation of Sarah's 'life on the streets'.
Overall, I think this is a very good story, and I'm giving you a well deserved vote.

I like the writing in this more than the other story - but this one is a little harder to follow. I don't really understand the "Me" and "You" sections and how they are supposed to apply chronologically. I would go back and rewrite this but stick to one person's point of view, or at least pick a "main character." Still, your prose is very good and you write dialogue and describe your characters well.

I so agree with gooduklady,I liked how it was written. It was easy to follow. I think you did a wonderful job writing this story. I cant wait to read more of your work, Best regards, Rena Kay

A bit of confusion on this one.although it started out good i got lost in it in the middle. Still a good story, i will read it again to make sure that I was aware of everything that was going on./joeparente

Hi Rebekah, I think this story has some interesting elements to it, but I wish you hadn't bothered with changing points of view. I think you seem to be much more in touch with the young girl's voice and situation. It would have been interesting to read the whole thing from her perspective. I also felt that by giving us different points of view, you were setting us up to be suspicious of the main character, as though she'd lied about or minsinterpreted the actions of her parents, or something like that. I'd say, you might want to continue with this character and her story, and go back and maybe write about all of these events through her eyes. I think there's a lot of promise there. Good luck with the contest and with your future writing endeavors.

Contrary to the other readers' opinions, I liked the way you titled the chapers - Them, Me, etc. It was different and quite easy to follow. I was engrossed by the story. I found it to be well written, easy to read and articulate. The ending was somewhat surprising...as though you had not considered how to finish the story and had just stopped. In any event, you definitely have talent and I did enjoy it. Good luck. I gave yo a vote.

Aside from all of the usual, let me give you some advise writer's, I enjoyed the story. I think experimentation is essential for a writer who is not afraid to rock the status-quot establishment. Structure and correctness can always be learned anytime, creativity takes talent. And you have talent. I'm voting for this one :)
Lee

Hi Rebekah,
It apprears you've done a bit of experimentation with this story. Instead of scene breaks, (***), you've used "Them," "You," and "Me." There's little difference, with this exception: I found myself wondering what character's head I was in when a scene changed. That's not good because I, the reader, lose my concentration on the story. It's best, at least when you starting out as a writer, to stick to the "First Person" POV or "Third Person, Removed." Third Person is best because you can then switch between charater's points of view by using a simple scene change. The ending here was very weak. We didn't see a resolution to Sarah's problem and neither she nor her family came away better or worse for their experience with the police. Hope this helps with your future writing endeavors. cf

Thank you for participating in our short
story writing contest "Family Stories".

The Librarian