okay first off, separate your paragraphs more. It just looks like a wall of text, which nobody likes to read. Start a new sentence every time a new person speaks, or if a new idea is presented.
Example: On the first page, start a new paragraph at "Nobody believed me when I told them that the father would seek revenge for his offspring". Since this is a new idea, separate from the thought of witnessing a murdered child.
Second... mehr anzeigen
okay first off, separate your paragraphs more. It just looks like a wall of text, which nobody likes to read. Start a new sentence every time a new person speaks, or if a new idea is presented.
Example: On the first page, start a new paragraph at "Nobody believed me when I told them that the father would seek revenge for his offspring". Since this is a new idea, separate from the thought of witnessing a murdered child.
Second off, your description feels a little stiff. Almost like a list. This might be just an extension of the fact that the way all the thoughts are mushed together in one paragraph makes it less fluid but it's hard to say.
Honestly a lot of it is good, sometimes the word choice is a little stiff but one you get past the first 100 words or so you seem to pick up your stride.
My suggestion is to seriously go over it with a fine tooth comb and separate it into paragraphs, it's really the biggest thing. It's important.
