I really liked this story, but the ending was puzzling- did Mark survive and what happened to the party goers? You must write more of this story to complete it.

wow that was a really great book!! it was surprising and not what I expected at all. congrats on the great job!

I believe it is great. I did not catch any typos or grammar mistakes. It is a nice short story and you left me thinking that there might be more. I was hooked, and instead of spitting out that hook, I let you reel me in. Keep p the great work, and never give up writing. You have a gift, utilize it.

-Winter

This story is really different from what I usually read. But the change is nice. I like the twist. I think you should develop this into a longer story. I felt the story is a bit too fast paced. I would like it better if you can describe things more. But the plot is really good. Keep up your good work :)

On page four, where it says "You are paying me extra to, what's in your suitcase?", put a period instead of a comma. Other than that little nuisance, there are no flaws. It has definite potential to become a best-seller.

You have potential as a writer. It always starts with high-concept ideas. You clearly understand that you need to hook the reader and thrillers are a good way to start. This was fast-paced, probably too much. You can take your time, describe things, and milk moments for all they're worth. It's just as effective and the reader is less likely to get confused. There were a lot of things that were confusing about this, simply because not enough time was taken. Read and re-read your work so it sounds good to you. Work on your conventions as well, and you'll be on your way.

Nice Job! I agree with several of the other comments that it would make a great book! A lot of the areas left me wanting to know more. Congratulations!!

How you twist the story to make the plot knotty and propelling is surprising. I though you had finished the story on the second chapter. I am wondering whether you could make it a novella.Any ways my hat is flown for you

very good

It was a good story, but I felt that you should have wrote more details about the places, the actions and the characters pasts and motives to do what they do. You could make the chapters longer or divide them into more chapters, that's my personal opinion.
Besides that, it was a good idea of a police, murder kind of novel.
Will you write more? If yes please keep me in touch with the future outcomes.