I was astounded by the story line (In a good way, of course)! I don't usually read short stories too often, but this one has an awesome start. However, I do have some criticism.
I noticed how on every line of a person speaking, you followed their quote with "he says" or "she replies". For example: (Pg. 6)
"I'm good and thanks. How are you?" Taylor replies.
"Okay, considering I just killed a man," Mark says. He fidgets in... mehr anzeigen
I was astounded by the story line (In a good way, of course)! I don't usually read short stories too often, but this one has an awesome start. However, I do have some criticism.
I noticed how on every line of a person speaking, you followed their quote with "he says" or "she replies". For example: (Pg. 6)
"I'm good and thanks. How are you?" Taylor replies.
"Okay, considering I just killed a man," Mark says. He fidgets in his chair.
"Did the training help at all?" Taylor asks.
"Of course it did," Jim says.
I was thinking that the story line might flow better if you said something like this:
"I'm good, thanks. How are you?" Taylor replies.
"Okay, considering I just killed a man." Mark fidgets in his chair.
"Did the training help at all?"
Just as Mark is about to answer, they hear a voice cut him off from behind. "Of course it did."
See how I didn't make it so that at the end of the quotation it always said something along the lines of "he says."?
On the same page, maybe instead of saying "An hour later after talking about how Mark's mission had gone and many beers, they moved to a new topic" You could have more dialogue and explain more of the background of the mission, why Mark was there in the first place, his feelings on the incident that he committed.
On page eight, they go home. Mark vaguely suggests that he is feeling a bit nervous about how he has killed someone and more to come. Maybe you should explain his anxiety a bit more, have a scene where he's getting ready for bed and he's fretting over it nonstop.
Also, if you're hoping for some sort of relationship between Taylor and Mark, you should show it more as they meet, how Mark is a bit nervous around her or whatever, how she seems a bit softer around him than she does around their boss.
There were some punctuation errors where commas were needed, and other than that, I was able to understand right away what the story was about. All my suggestions ARE ONLY SUGGESTIONS and you don't have to use them if you don't want to. I hope that this helped.
I really enjoyed the story, and if you'd like, I'd appreciate to be informed when you update.
Thanks,
E.K. Perkins
Thank you very much for taking the time to read it and for commenting :). Mark's dialogue there was meant to sound sort of fast since its him interrupting the driver and trying to make sure he doesn't get a word in before he leaves. I am not entirely sure what you mean by class... mehr anzeigen
Thank you very much for taking the time to read it and for commenting :). Mark's dialogue there was meant to sound sort of fast since its him interrupting the driver and trying to make sure he doesn't get a word in before he leaves. I am not entirely sure what you mean by class 101...
But anyways thanks for the notes and opinion, I really do appreciate it.