Hi Joe,

I really appreciate your comments and suggestions about my book. This is what make writer’s better as authors when we are able to make suggestions and obtain feedback from others. I am working on my second book and I needed as much input as possible to have a better flow with my words. Creativity is one thing but to have an even flow to keep the audience interested is another issue. Thank you very much for reading the story and giving me constructive feedback…I am glad to have you as a friend.

Linda B.

I am in the middle of your great story but I had to point out a few things. My comments are honest and not to be read as personal. Number one you have a good story and the use of your vocabulary is well done. Your sentencing, in a few cases should be reworked to make the story read smoother. By adding an 's' or 'ed' to many of your words will put your sentences into the present tense or past tense. They should always match the tense you are trying to achieve. The elimination of unnecessary words should also be a quick fix for smoothness. For example: Page 13 "she left out of Walgreens" should be she left Walgreens.
"She unlocks her trunk" could be unlocked her trunk, putting the sentence into the proper tense. Page 15: "she chose to take her a long shower", The word 'her' should be removed as well as herself and himself on other pages.
I think you have a winner with just a touch of editing./joeparente
You have my vote as I continue your story.

Hi Linda,

Your story is easy to read, with simple, straight forward language. Your heart felt feelings come through in your writing.

I like some of your phrases. They were original and you've avoided cleche. Example: ...her interior was throbbing with discontentment... (although, 'discontent' would work too.)

A couple of suggestions:

I've read that writer's should try to keep their paragraphs short, breaking the information into smaller pieces and the reader is less likely to get bored.

You probably need to run through another edit to check grammatical errors and misspelled words, this will please the reader and you'll look more professional. I'll just give two examples:

Pg 9 - ...career originated... I think you might have meant 'career orientated' or 'career oriented'.

Pg 9 - ...by fulfilling the desirers... I think you might have meant 'desires'.

Adverbs and adjectives colour our stories and bring wonderful detail. It is important, though, to weigh up the need for every word used. It quickens the pace, which the reader appreciates. I'll give an example:

Pg 10 - ...As she slightly pushed her son in the swing... I think 'slightly' could be withdrawn without really impacting on the meaning of the sentence. Or change the sentence to say 'Tiara carefully pushed Terry'

Sometimes, writers don't realise they've used words repetitively, I've had this told to me about the word 'now'. I'll give you an example in your work:

Pg 10 - ...she thought how proud and blessed she was to be his mother, a precious gift she could have ever been blessed with... you could remove the first 'blessed' without impacting on the meaning of the sentence.

I wish you the best of luck with your writing, you should keep it up.

Good luck and best wishes.

Bek :)

Thank you for participating in our short
story writing contest "Family Stories".

The Librarian