I told you that you would.
Thanks...Laz

HEY LIKED THE BOOK U WROTE

Hey there nice work!! Oh check out my books and comment mines thanks

Raven

What an imagination. Great job. I liked how it flowed and kept my interest. Wish I could write like this!

It's a cute, fairy, romance story. hehe I was waiting for her to switch places with him at the end.

Maybe for those who don't 'believe' such an experience would be quite frightening to step outside the 'normal'.

I liked the story concept and the first person present style, something quite difficult to maintain. Very picturesque also.
S*

Thanks a lot Bek, all this is very useful info. I know there's lot of room for improvement..
Laz

Hi Laz,

I think you've done a wonderful job of 'showing' not 'telling', and you're to be commended for this. You've brought to life some of your scenes through dialogue and interaction.

I think you have a nice voice in this story, and your writing flows well.

You've written this story in first person, present tense. First person is by nature limited to one POV, and is often suited to past tense because there is the suggestion that if the narrator is telling the story, then they've lived to do so. On p9 you say 'little did I know what was waiting for me', this is a flash forward type of comment, one that could only be made by first person if it were a past tense story, and were being relayed.

Ellipses have a space prior and after.

I didn't find out the sex of your protagonist until page fourteen.

Some of the dialogue is quite natural, and there are some parts that need a little work i.e.: ... and each clan has a head ... that would be me. At least until the next election, in five years ... It is the 'in five years' part that sounds too expositional making it less realistic. Where as the dialogue on p16 is really good, flows well and sounds natural. Some of your dialogue tags aren't needed.

I felt his level of shock at discovering the faeries, lower than I'd expect, this could be amped up a bit.

Good luck,

Bek

Haha, thanks East Wind...who knows, maybe it will.
Laz

Laz, I've read the first four chapters of your book. I loved the description of your encounter with the faerie. You bring us into their world effortlessly. I didn't feel as if it was contrived at all. It's playful and imanginative. So far it is very engoyable. Good work. Your descriptions of nature around you are truly marvelous. I'm Looking forward to reading your other works.