Hi Hima,

I like the concept. Have voted. Sorry I took so long in reading it.
:)

Hello Hima!
Love your descriptions, "veil over the village" and "constant vigilance over my thoughts" which shows you have a talent with words. Your imagination is so creative! I can see you do struggle with proper grammar, sentence structure and punctuation, though it is improving greatly each time you write! You have so much in you! It takes time, refinement and practice which you are doing. You are quite a lovely person from your picture, just smile!! Thank you for sharing your writing. It is a brave thing you to put it out there for our reading.

good one

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Hey there, nice work keep up the good work

Raven

i like it it's not bad :) and u should read my book called secrets and tell me what u think :)

Seems very interesting and catchy I like it very nice job.

very good story

Hi Hima,

I didn't read much of your work, a few pages. I'd be happy to look again when you have done some work.

Strenghts:

I think you've created a good hook in both the prologue and ch1.

You have a lot of action. Your scene's move quickly.

Workshopping tips:

I've noticed some tense issues with you piece. You've begun in present tense, yet in your first sentence the term 'roared' is in past tense, it should be ... not even an engine roars ... I'm not sure what you mean or what your intention is with the line (also, you've swapped tense here) ... Even the wind carried the tragedy that hung over the village as a veil ... this doesn't fit with the previous context of the quiet city. You've also switched into second person.

The transition between the dream scene in ch1 and the diary type narrative, doesn't work.

You need to check your country or state style manual for grammar and rules.

Good luck.

Bek :)

There are spelling and grammar issues with this piece.

i loved this book it realy like pulled me in so that i was in it. you should definetly write some more

I wrote a response to your request that you wanted me to read "Soulmate". As I had mentioned, I am red-green color blind, and you kindly changed the background for me.

I also stated I would write a critique of your story. I will format this into two parts: Positive Aspects and Negative Aspects.

Positive Aspects:
You are a young writer and you have demonstrated to me that you do indeed have a passion for writing. You can turn this passion into a powerful writing tool. Another great plus is that you have the discipline to write. I am impressed that you wrote 89 pages of a story that you brought to a conclusion. I am sure you have written other such material.

Negative Aspects.
Lets begin with some simple things in your writing that you can address immediately and easily. If you were ever to submit work to a Literary Agent to represent you, they would reject your work on structure alone. If you notice my writing this to you, I space my words after commas and periods so that it is easy for a reader to go through it with ease. In your story it is difficult to tell where sentences begin and end; simple solution, use proper spacing.
Next: The syntax of your writing leaves much to be desired. This is the study of the rules whereby words or other elements of sentence structure are combined to form grammatical sentences.
You have misspellings, incorrect tenses and some sentences make no sense. I can go to any page in your story and point out an example. Lets try page 84. "You are not understanding the terrible danger it is putting you in." It should read correctly, You don't understand the terrilbe danger it is putting you in. These types of constructions are rampant throughout your story.
Next: A story should have a beginning, a middle part, and an ending. Make an outline about what you want to write even if it is loose and incomplete. At least you will know where you want to go and you will have a preconceived ending, that is how you want to end your story. Regarding the three parts to a story, some authors have a long beginning, short middle and long ending. There are many variations. It depends on what you want to write.
Finally the most difficult part is finding your VOICE or who is telling the story. Step back from your story and tell it through your writing voice. That voice must be consistent throughout the story.
I hope what I have written has been helpful and encourage you with warmest regards and enthusiasm to continue writing. THE MORE YOU WRITE THE BETTER YOU WILL GET.