You HAVE to write more!! If you don't I'll...I'll...do something bad or something..? Anyways, you MUST add on to this or else!!! Oh, and by the way I loved it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~Cheyenne X)

More please1:)

omg..! write more!!!!1

I absolutely love this book thus far. Please, Please, Please finish it!

That was really good. I hope you write more. I really like you;re style of writing, so if you would have any suggestions on my writing, I'm al ears. Thanks.

S

Please Carry on

This is excellent writing for someone so young. I picked up on the fact you were only thirteen because of another comment on here. Without knowing your age I would guessed sixteen or so by how you've written this story.

Once again I am astounded by the dedication and skill of the youngsters on BookRix. I could sense the fun you were getting out of telling this tale and I think you could develop into a very good writer.

Got to mention some errors though and they're mainly in your opening paragraphs, which isn't uncommon. I'm writing a novel at the moment, and the first chapter is really bugging me. I am about to bin it and do a rewrite.

The reason for this is that most of us don't tend to pick up a natural flow until we get further into the story. I can tell you've done it here, because your second section feels completely different to the beginning, where I sense you struggled.

'Adults tend to call it puberty'. You don't need 'tend'.
'Adults call it puberty'. Keep sentences like this simple. It works better.

'Now I'm not going into gory details....' I don't think you need that sentence at all. I would go straight into 'It happened...'

I'd also re-write that second paragraph because it's slightly 'telling'.(See Stevie's comments on show dont tell in the forum).

For instance you wrote 'It happened over the summer break' Instead, try something more wordy, like...

'It happened in the summer, when school was out and the kiss of the sun just wasn't enough.'

Something like that would hint at what you're suggesting further along in the chapter and it would entice your audience to carry on reading.

Be careful with your descriptive words. 'A morbid fascination' doesn't seem right to me. You're giving the impression you're psycho when in fact you're just a normal teenager with a crush.

You mean a compulsive fascination but you want to be humorous, so you need to find a word that would demonstrate your tongue-in-cheek approach.

It's hard for me to give you examples because you're a teenager and you speak a different language to me, but if it had been in my day I would have said, 'a deep fascination that even rivaled my passion for David Cassidy.

Bring in personal touches to your writing. Don't be afraid to experiment.

Also watch phrases like, 'Pouring out my feelings into...' In this instance you could have just said 'pouring my feelings into...'

At the end of that section you use a semicolon where it's not needed. A period works there.

...most of the time. By day Jack would...'

Hope some of these suggestions help.
I'll look forward to reading some more of your stuff.
Good luck
Wendyxx

loved it write more

I love the new upload! Keep up the good work!

This is great so far :) I hope you keep writing and keep me posted