nice story,write more.there are some mistakes like u used she instead of he and some other spelling mistakes.Go through the story once again and edit it.

You have some good concepts in this story.

I don't know if your editing via phone connection altered the layout, but the grammar and layout let you down for readability.

Okay I fixed it a bit but for some reason I cant go futher to keep editing since im in my phone and trying to make it better
So

CheckOut

WhatI
Have and hope u like it :)

I remember promising you in one of the forums that I'd read the whole of this. Sorry for taking a little longer than promised :)

But here goes,

Story-wise, you have a nice plot. A couple of sweet scenes and some suspense. I think I've already said that Kevin and Shirley have good interaction. That bit about Jack was also good. He's one insane villain but I like that. And you also have good believable dialogs :)

Writing-wise, is where we have a problem. You should really make a thorough reread and edit. Look into your spellings, punctuations and tenses. I also agree with the run-ons. I also noticed you tend to use 'than' instead of 'then'. Checking these stuffs would make the narration flow smoother.

For suggestions, I think you might want to do something with the format, too. Put breaks in between the paragraphs and also add more descriptions.

But still, I did like the story. I'd give you a fave for now, and perhaps when you're done with the editing, I could also give you a vote :)

The best book I ever read thanks for creating it.

The best book I ever read thanks for creating it.

Wow

i hope you guys will like my book i wrote and tell me what you think and check out mu story :) ill make more soon thank u!!