Gone
By: Morgan (A.K.A zzmbrashear)


Blurb:
This story takes place around the late 1950’s. Jane falls in love with the mystery boy she meets at a get together at the beach with her friends. One problem with this is that Jane and this boy don’t know anything about each other or the others name. After fate brings them back together they instantly connect. They never leave each others side... until Alan, the mystery boy, enlists in the army. He thinks he will find himself and it will mold him into the man he wants to be today. He thinks it will make him and Jane stronger but it only tears them apart. Once he leaves Jane is heart broken but Jane knows that love only finds you once. She will not except that he is gone. They write week. The letters are what gets Jane through her world and what gets Alan through. After a while Jane kept sending letters but Alan’s have stopped. He doesn’t write back and Jane doesn’t receive any. Jane asks his parents but they haven’t heard anything either. Jane doesn’t except that he’s gone. He can’t be gone. The only things that she can think of that would make him stop writing to her is that he died but she cant grasp that concept. What happens? Is he dead? Does she receive another letter? Read and find out. After you’ve read, like and comment!


~Gone~


“Come on, Jane! Were going to be late!” Debbie said from outside. I hurried and put on my shorts. I slid them up over my belly button and then tied on my bikini top and grabbed my bag and flip flops and ran out the door.
“I’m ready!” I shouted as I shut the screen door.
“About time!” She said and started up the buggy. I slid in through the window and then we were off. I tied on my flip flops and fixed my hair. We were heading to the beach for a party. Debbie fixed her make-up as I helped her by taking the wheel. She smacked her lips and took it back.
“So, hows John?” I asked her.
“Fantastic! A little on the doggy side lately but other than that we are two peaches in a tree.” Debbie said. John was a real dog. He always whoring around and cheating on Debbie but she loved him too much to tell him no or confront him. I want love but not a love like that.
As we pulled into the parking lane we jumped out of the car and John jogged over to Debbie. He was wearing swimming trucks. His black gelled down hair moved with the wind. John was cute but I couldn’t be with a guy who thinks he’s better than others and my Mother wouldn’t approve anyways. Debbie pulled her sunglasses on her head and leaned against her car. John came over and forcefully pushed her up against it and kissed her. He pinned her arms down and kissed her neck.
“Where have you been?” He asked between his tongue being down her throat.
“I’m sorry.” She kissed him one last time and then walked my way. He smacked her ass and then went back to his buddies. They all gave him hi-5’s.
“Vulgar.” I told her.
“Don’t be jealous.” She said fixing her lipstick. I laughed.
“Of him? Ha!” I shouted. “Why do you let him treat you like that?” I asked her.
“Look at him. I love him.” She said hopelessly. I shook my head in disagreement. We walked to a bare part of the beach and laid down our towels and our umbrella. We laid down and tanned for a while.
“Debra!” John yelled.
“Ugh!” Debbie said as she heard his voice. “Yes, dear.” She answered.
“Hey, babe! Come here!” He asked. She got up and walked towards him. She pulled up her shorts so they were above her belly button again. She lifted her sunglasses to on top of her head and John put his arm around her.
“This is my girl, Debra.” John said to his group of friends. “This is Jimmy, Alan and Chris.” He said and pointed them out. I could only hear part of there conversation so I got up and stood next to Debbie. “Oh, and this is Jane.” John said annoyed.
“Hello.” I said.
“Hi.” All of them said with there tongues out of there mouth. They were practically drooling. I chuckled at how boyish they were acting. Only one of them really caught my eyes. It was the one that had his hair gelled to the side and he was wearing kakies and and blue polo shirt that was tucked in. He looked like a real gentlemen. My Mother and Father would approve. Before I could ask his name We all went to Johns truck.
“I got this.” He said and opened all his doors. He blared the radio. He played all country songs. Everyone started dancing. The guy that caught my eye started dancing his way over to me. He took off his shirt to show a tight six pack. My Jaw almost dropped when I saw it. He looked so Gentleman like that you wouldn’t think a fellow like that would have that under his shirt. I dance closer to him. After a while the sun was setting. I ran to Debbie’s car and slid on my white polka dotted dress because it was warmer than my shorts and my bikini. It had buttons in the front and it poofed out at the bottom. I walked back to where the music was and sat on a log and watched the fire. That same guy walked over to me and sat next to me.
“Do you want to dance?” He asked me and as soon as we stood up to a slow song came on. He held out one hand and I took it. He placed his hands on my hips and I placed my on his shoulders. My dress moved with me.
“You look beautiful.” He said as he brushed my brown bangs out of my eyes. My wavy hair laid gently on my back.
“Thank you.” I told him.
“I wasn’t going to come tonight. I had a church thing I was suppose to go to and thats why I was dressed up. I’m happy John persuaded me and I’m happy I did come.” He said.
“Why?” I asked.
“Because I got to meet you.” He said. We danced closer and I laid my head on his shoulder. He was a good looking fellow. I lifted my head up and our lips were just millimeters away from touching when Debbie ran over to me crying.
“We have to go!” She said through the tears.
“Why? Whats wrong?” I asked.
“John.” Was all she could say. Not too long after her saying he was jogging after her with nothing but boxers on. A girl with nothing but a towel on came jogging after him.
“Oh my.” I said.
“Debbie!” He yelled.
“Lets go.” I said and we ran to the car.
“But wait!” The guy yelled. “I don’t even know your name!”
“I’m sorry!” I yelled from the car.
“Its not what it looks like!” John yelled.
“What do you mean its not what it looks like?” The girl that was running behind him said.
“Shut up!” He said.
“Uh!” She said and then walked away.
“Babe! Come on! Don’t do this!” He yelled. He chased after the car as I pulled out of the parking lot but I left him in dust.
“You were right!” She cried. “He’s a cheater.”
“I wanted you to realize it, I just didn’t want you to realize it this way.” I told her as she laid her head on my shoulder. “I’m sorry.” I combed my hands through her hair. It always made her feel better. “How about you come to my house and I can get out our best friends, Ben and Jerry, and we can watch movies all night long.”
“Sounds great.” She said and then fell asleep. Once we got to my house I gently got out of the car and laid her down on the seat. I went around to the other side and lifted her up. I kicked at the door for my Mom to open it because I didn’t have an extra hand.
“Oh My, what happened?” She asked.
“She’s just sleeping.” I told her. She nodded and then opened the door.
“Jessy!” I yelled. Jessy came down stairs. “Help me please and carry her to my room.” I told him. He took her from my hands and I caught my breath. Jesse is my older brother. He always helps me out.
“What happened at the beach?” My Mother asked me.
“I’m not really sure. All I know is that she came over to me crying and then John showed up partly naked with a even more naked girl. Then we left and she fell asleep.” I left out the part about my mystery guy.
“Oh dear, the things you kids do these days are nothing like I did.” She said.
“Mom, things haven’t changed much since you were a kid.” I told her with a chuckle.
“She’s right, Mom.” Jesse said as he came back from up stairs. “Its only been like twenty something years since then.” He laughed.
“1934, I can remember it vividly.” She started.
“Oh, not another story.” I pleaded.
“This is history.” She said.
“Mother, that is a lullaby, and it makes me want to take a pistol to the head.” I told her.
“Thats a terrible thing to say!” She said.
“Its true.” My brother added and I chuckled with him.
“Where was I? Oh yeah, its was 1944, I can remember it vividly. You’re father was in the army. That’s how we met actually. I was walking on the street one day and he ran into me. I helped him pick up his hat and bag. He was in uniform and oh, did he look handsome. It was love at first site.” She began.
“Oh.” I groaned.
“Its history!” She shouted.
“We’ve heard this a million times, Mother!” I reminded her.
“And it gets better every time!” She replied. I heard my brother laugh.
“Mother, it wasn’t that long ago. It was only twenty something years.” He said. My Mother sighed.
“You children take everything for granted.” She said and headed upstairs. “I’m going to bed!” Jesse and I stayed down stairs and laughed together.
“Would you say she’s losing it?” He asked me.
“She’s in her early 40’s.” I reminded him.
“Yeah,” He said.
“Did you tell them yet?” I asked him. He shook his head no. “What are you going to do? Wait until its time to leave and then say, ‘Oh yeah, forgot to mention, I enlisted.’? They will have a horse, and a cow and a dog!” I told him. “Why would you want to enlist anyways?” I asked him
“Its a feeling. It makes me feel like I have a purpose.” He said.
“You have a purpose and thats to stay and help and take care of me!” I told him.
“Jane, you are young and beautiful and you will make it with out me.” He told me.
“I can but I don’t want to.” I told him. He hugged me.
“Janey, Everything will be alright.” He said and i believed him.
“I met someone today!” I told him.
“You’re only, what? Seventeen? How can you have met someone?” He asked me.
“You know I’m eight teen and he’s really handsome. He’s got these two dimples when he smiles and his laugh. Oh, his laugh. Its so adorable.” I told him.
“Sounds like someone’s in love.” He said. He coughed, “Janey.” He coughed again.
“Stop it.” I told him.
“So, what’s his name?” He asked me. I played with my hair for a second then answered him wondering what he would say...
“I don’t know it.” I answered.
“You’re in love with this guy?” He asked.
“Sort of.” I answered.
“And you don’t know his name?” He asked.
“No.” I answered.
“Janey, Janey, Janey.” He sighed.
“What? This isn’t my fault. We were slow dancing when Debbie interrupted us and we had to leave before I could ask him for his name.” I told him and danced with myself. He grabbed my hands and danced with me.
“You are something. You know that?” He asked.
“Yupp, I do.” I replied. We danced to no music and I set my head on his chest.
“I’m going to miss you.” I told him.
“I’m going to miss you too.” He said.
“Why do you have to go?” I asked him. “Why can’t you just stay here with me? You’re the only one I can talk to, Jessy.” I told him and looked up at him.
“I have to, Janey. I have to for me. I will come back. Don’t think that I’m going to leave and never come back because I will promise you that I will come back!” He told me.
“Okay, then. Promise me.” I told him.
“I promise I will never leave you and I promise that I will come back.” He said. I laid my head back on his chest and we continued to dance to no music. I yawned.
“You need to go to bed. You have to teach tomorrow.” He reminded me. He picked me up and I wrapped my arms around his neck and he carried me up stairs. In my room I sort of have two beds. I have one ledge thing by my window and that’s where Debbie sleeps and then I have my bed. Jesse laid my on my bed and covered me up. He kissed my forehead and shut off the lights. Jesse and I have always been really close, ever since we were little tots. He was my best friend, well, other than Debbie. He helped me with everything and I could tell him anything. Even though I’m technically a adult, he doesn’t treat me like it and to be honest, its a relief.
As soon as I closed my eyes I was out and it seemed like minutes later it was time to get up in the morning. I rolled out of bed and slid on my blue dress. It was tight from the chest down to the waist. The waist came out and the sleeves were short but ruffled at the ends. This was one of my favorite dress and I would usually wear it every monday. I combed my long brown hair. My natural waves bounced back with every stroke. I pinned my bangs back. I looked over to Debbie and she was still sleeping. She knew where I would be so I walked out my door and got into my car. I drove to the school. I taught at a little school house. I lived in a small town so there wasn’t a need for a big school. I pulled in and walked into the school house. I placed my papers and pencils in there appropriate places and sat down. No more than five minutes later all the children came in. I generally taught children around the age of five.
“Hello, class.” I said and stood up.
“Hello, Ms. Johnson.” They all said. I passed out each of them a new notebook.
“Since we have used up all the space in our old notebook we will be practicing writing our names in new ones.” I said and they all cheered. I love being around children. It shows me how much good there is in the world.
I gave each of them there notebook and they turned to page one and started writing there name.
“Good job, Bobby.” I said to one of my students.
“Here, Marybeth, when you write the ‘e’ write it this way.” I told her because she was writing it back wards. I look at the doorway and my mystery guy was standing there. I walked over to him.
“What are you doing here?” I asked him.
“I had to see you.” He replied.
“How did you find me?” I asked him.
“John.” He said simply.
“Please don’t talk about that Dog to me.” I told him kindly.
“Ok.” He said quietly so the class couldn’t hear us talk. “You never told me.”
“Told you what?” I asked.
“What your name was.” He stated.
“Jane.” I told him.
“That’s a beautiful name to go with a beautiful woman.” He said and kissed my hand. I pulled my hand away.
“Whats your name?” I asked him.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I’m Alan.” He said. “Listen, ever since I met you, your everything I think about. I just had to see you again.” He said. I didn’t say anything. “Can I take you out?” He asked.
“If you can’t see, I’m teaching.” I told him.
“After?” He asked.
“Sure.” I answered.
“Yes!” He said. I chuckled at his excitement. “I’m going to take you dancing.” He said. “Wear something comfortable.” He said and kissed my cheek then walked away. I touched my cheek where he kissed me. When I turned around my whole class was watching.
“Get back to work!” I told them. They all laughed.
After all the children’s parents came to get them Alan showed up. He showed up in a dark blue polo shirt and jeans. He tucked in his shirt just like last time. His hair was gelled to the side just like before.
“I didn’t have time to change.” I told him.
“That’s okay. You look beautiful anyways.” He said. I blushed. He held out his hand and I took it. He opened his truck door for me and I got in. He closed it and then got in the drivers seat. “You ready?” He asked.
“For?” I asked.
“You’ll see.” He said. After about ten minutes of driving he pulled into a full lot of cars. I read the sign and it said ‘Dancing Dina’s’.
“I know this place.” I told him.
“Really?” He asked,
“Yeah. When I was little my older brother would take me here to watch him dance in the annual dance competition every month. I use to dream about being in it but as I got older I stopped going for some reason.” I told him.
“I go here all the time.”He said then got out and walked around to my side. He opened my door and helped me out. We walked in with his hand on my hip. John and his buddies came up to him and there was Hi-5’s all over the place.
“Hey, whats going on?” John said and came up to him. I crossed my arms.
“Ey, Why don’t you tell that pretty little red head of yours to call me back.” He said referring to Debbie.
“Scum.” I mumbled.
“What did you say, you little tramp!” He said.
“Don’t ever call me that!” I flipped on him. Alan went over to him and popped him in the face. John punched him back and then there were fist thrown all over the place.
“Woah! Stop it! Both of you!” I said as I pushed them apart. I looked over at Alan and his nose was bleeding and his lip was bleeding.
“Oh my gosh! Are you okay?” I asked him while touching his nose.
“Ouch!” He yelled.
“I take that as a no.” I said. “We have to get you to my house so I can clean you up.” I told him and then we left. I drove us to my house as he tried to keep his nose form bleeding anymore. Once we got there I quickly helped him out of the truck and we stumbled up to my room with out my brother or parents noticing. I sat him in my bathroom and I got out my emergency kit. I took a wash cloth and wetted it and gently patted his nose and lip to get the blood off. When the cut on his lip was clean enough for me to see I put proxcide on it.
“Ow!” He said.
“Its not deep enough for stitches so you’re lucky.” I told him. His nose was already turning black and blue. “I think you might have broken your nose, though.”
“Great.” He said.
“Why did you punch him?” I asked him.
“He called you a tramp.” He stated.
“I know and I could have handled it.” I told him.
“I needed to defend you.” He said.
“Well, I think it was stupid of you.” I said honestly.
“You can think what you want.” He said simply. After I got his lip to stop bleeding I looked into his green eyes. They were so beautiful and his long lashes only made his eyes stand out more. I came closer to his face. We slowly moved into the kiss and just as our lips were going to touch Jesse came through the door.
“Jane!” He shouted.
“Not again!” Alan said and put his face into his hands. I ran out of the bathroom and closed the door.
“Yes.” I answered innocently to Jesse.
“Who’s in there?” He asked.
“Who’s in where?” I asked him dumb foundedly.
“In there!” He said pointing to the bathroom.
“No ones in there.” I told him.
“I heard someone talk!” He said.
“Oh, in there?” I asked pointing to the bathroom.
“Yeah.” Jesse said a little irritated.
“Its just Debbie.” I told him.
“Debbie?” Jesse asked.
“Yeah, Debbie. You know about this tall, red hair, cute and really funny.” I told him.
“I know who Debbie is.” He said.
“Then whats the problem?” I asked him.
“I heard a mans voice.” He said.
“PMS, yikes.” I told him and nudged his stomach.
“Damn it, Janey! Tell me who’s in there!” He demanded.
“Okay, okay.” I told him and opened the door. There sat Alan on the sink.
“Jesse, meet Alan.” I told him.
“Hi.” Alan said and Jesse shut the door again.
“Who’s Alan?” He asked.
“Well,” I began to say.
“Damn it! No more damn procrastination. Just tell me already!” He demanded.
“Moody are we?” I asked.
“Janey!” He shouted.
“Fine. He’s the one I told you about, from the beach.” I told him.
“The one you’re in “love” with?” He asked and put quotation marks around love.
“The one and only.” I told him.
“And why is he in your bathroom?” He asked.
“We went to Dancing Dina’s and there was a fight and I’m just cleaning him up.” I told him.
“In your bathroom?” He asked.
“In my bathroom.” I stated. He shook his head and walked out.
“Just don’t tell Mom!” I shouted as he closed my room door. I opened my bathroom door and Alan was standing.
“I can’t wait any longer.” He said and grabbed me and kissed me. He put one hand on my neck and the other on my cheek. I placed both my hands on his chest, what a strong and hard chest he has. As our lips touched and we kissed it felt as time stopped. He pulled away and let his hands drop.
“Do you know how much that hurt me?” He asked and I chuckled
“Way to ruin the moment.” I said.
“Sorry.” He said and touched his nose.
“Ow.” He said.
“Well, stop touching it.” I scolded him. “I fell like I telling this to a child.” I said and then he kissed me again.
“So worth the wait.” He said and then proceeded at kissing me. His kiss was like a drug. He tasted so sweet and I never wanted our lips to come unconnected. He stood up and we kept kissing. I jumped into his arms. I wrapped my legs around his waist. we banged into things until he could find my bed. Once we reached he laid me down. He kissed my lips, then my neck, then my chest, then my stomach and as he was pulling up my dress about to take off my panties I said,
“Wait!”
“Ugh!” He moaned.
“We shouldn’t do this.” I told him.
“Why not?” He asked me.
“We should save it for a special time.” I told him.
“And this isn’t special?” He asked.
“Its special but Alan we’ve just met. I feel like if we do this then you’re going to disappear and I’m never going to see you again.” I told him honestly. He pulled down my dress and helped me sit up. He graced my cheek with his hand.
“I’m NEVER going to leave you.” He said. I looked into his eyes and it felt like the first time we met. He kissed my forehead and then my hand.
“Do you want to go to the beach?” He asked me.
“That sounds swell.” I told him and grabbed my green bikini and ran into the bathroom. I put it on with my green shorts and headed out the door with Alan holding my hand.
When we got to the beach I saw Debbie. She was laying in the sand with John. I jumped out of the car and marched over to them.
“What’s this?” I asked. Debbie quickly stood up.
“We, we made up.” She stuttered.
“Made up? For god sakes he was smashing another girl while you were dancing, Debbie! Don’t you know he’s going to do it again?” I asked her. John stood up and got close to me.
“Listen sister, back off my girl and stay away from us.” He said and poked my chest to make me back up. Alan took his hand away from around my waist and cracked his knuckles. I put my hand over his to make sure he wasn’t going to throw another punch.
“Nice black and blue eye.” Alan said acting like a smart ass.
“Nice nose.” John said back to him.
“Listen brother,” Alan said making fun of him saying sister. “Don’t touch my lady and you start treating your lady like a lady and we wont have a problem.”
“Well,” John said and then punched Alan in his nose. Alan immediately stood back up to defend me and Debbie but I stopped him. I stood in front of him and pushed him back. I put both hands on his chest.
“Don’t. Alan, please don’t.” I begged him.
“Cheap shot!” He yelled as we walked away. His nose was even bleeding more than before. I drove him back to my house and we did the whole thing over again. I cleaned him up but after we went outside to walk around. We sat on the swing on the front porch and talked.
“What do you have planned for your self?” He asked me.
“I love teaching. Those children are my world. I haven’t really thought of doing anything else. As you can tell by the house, my family is well off but money doesn’t mean anything to me. Some times money is the problem, not the solution.” I told him as we swung back and forth. He reached over and held my hand. “What do you have planned?”
“I always wanted to be an engineer. Working on cars is my passion. I love to fix them up and tear them apart. Its like a puzzle.” He told me.
“Why haven’t you become an engineer yet?” I asked him. He sighed.
“Moneys been a little tight. I work at Chucks Mechanical Shop but getting told on what jobs I can do and some times I don’t even get to look under the hood. I okay its just not what I saw myself doing.” He said. As he was saying this I got a great idea. I looked at his face as he stared at the scenery. I need to know if I feel anything for him. I leaned over and kissed him and my heart started beating a million times more. I knew I was in love with this man. I just knew it.
I knew what I was going to do. I was going to give him his own Repair shop. Its going to be called Alan’s Repair. Its going to be in the middle of town and I will hire two men to help him. It’s going to be great! I can’t wait to see the look on his face!
After Alan went home I went to Jesse to tell him the idea. He didn’t understand how I could be positive that I love this man after only being with him for a few days.
“I’m telling you, Jesse. He’s the one for me and I want him to have everything he wants.” I told him.
“How do you know he’s not just dating you for your money?” He asked me.
“Because he’s not like that. He loves me just as much as I love him. I’m sure of it!” I told him.
“Janey, you’re so young, so naive.” He told me.
“I’m only two years younger than you!” I told him.
“Yes but you’re brain is a lot behind.” He joked. I punched his shoulder but then I had to get serious. I really needed his help.
“Will you please help me?” I asked him.
“I guess. What are we going to do?” He asked me.
“I want to make him his own repair shop. He deserves it. I need your help on making it.” I said to him.
“From hand?” He asked as if it was out of this world to even think of that.
“It will be easiest so we don’t have to do any reconstruction with another place.” I told him. He sighed.
“Leave it to me.” He said.
After weeks and weeks passed every time I asked Jesse how it was going he told me you will see. I was getting worried that he was going to wait till the last second but he’s never let me down before so why would he start now. I knew Alan was going to love it.
Alan and I have been spending an huge amount of time together. We don’t do anything without the other and today I’m finally meeting his parents.
“Do I look okay?” I asked as we pulled into his drive way.
“Beautiful, as always.” He said and kissed my hand. He walked over to my side of the car and opened it. He took my hand and helped me step down from the truck. I brushed my light red dress off and we started walking to his door. “Now, just relax and be yourself and they will love you just as much as I do.”
“Oh really?” I asked as I leaned against the fencing on the side of the porch.
“Really.” He said while walking over to me. He pecked my lips twice before he held my head and I went to heaven. I loved kissing him. His lips are so soft and he makes me feel butterflies. In the middle of our making-out we hear the door open. We both jumped. I wiped my bottom lip with my thumb as Alan fixed his shirt that I had lifted up.
“Mom!” Alan said and kissed her cheek.
“Alan, and this is?” She asked.
“This is Jane. The one I’ve told you about.” He said. That made me worry a little because I wasn’t sure what he told her.
“Hello.” I said and reached out my hand to shake hers but she came over and gave me a hug.
“You’re practically family.” She said with a small laugh. I hugged her back and then we went inside. His Mom was a thin, tall lady. She had short, curled brown hair and red lip stick on. She was wearing an apron, she must have just came from the kitchen. “Come in, come in. Take a seat.” She said. I sat down on her couch in the living room. Alan sat next to me and held my hand. “So, how did you meet?”
“Well,” Alan began.
“I want her to tell me.” She interrupted him.
“Well, we met at the beach. We didn’t know each others name but your handsome song came over to me and asked me to dance.” I said and looked at him. “We danced but then I had to leave and we didn’t have a chance to exchange names. I knew he was something special. I thought I would never see him again until he found me one day when I was teaching. He blew me away.” He squeezed my hand.
“Aw.” His Mother said.
“Mary! Where’s my food?” A mans voice yelled.
“I’m getting it!” She yelled back.
“Sorry, thats Herman, my husband.” She told me. “He’s always testy about his food.”
“Mary!” He screamed again.
“Excuse me.” Mary said politely and walked out of the room. Alan turned to me.
“You’re doing great. I can tell she loves you just as much as I do and I mean it when I say I love you, Jane.” He said as he lifted my hand.
“I love you too, Alan.” I told him. He kissed me and leaned me back. We kept kissing until we heard his mother come back into the room.
“Oh dear.” She said as Alan leaned me back up.
“Well, Jane and I are going to go for a walk. Call us back when dinner is done.” Alan said and grabbed my hand and pulled me out the front door. As soon as the door closed he pinned me against the house wall and he pecked my lips. He ran his hands down my thigh and back up. He took his fingers and traced the side of my body.
“Why must you tease me?” I asked him. He kissed my neck and then took my hand.
“Lets take a walk.” He said and led the way.
“Alan?” I asked him as we headed down the dirt road.
“Yes?” He answered.
“Where do you see yourself in ten years?” I asked him.
“Well, married to you of course.” He said.
“I hoped you would have said that.” I said.
“Why do you ask?” He asked.
“I don’t know. Just curious, I guess.” I replied.
As we went further down the road I realized we were heading in the direction of where Jesse was suppose to be making his Repair shop. I thought about how long it had been since I’ve asked Jesse to make it. I figured its been almost a month so I kept walking. I prayed to myself that it was finished.
As we walked down the road hand in hand I took a good look around me. I looked at the green grass on the side of the dirt road and the birds sitting on the electric wires above the road. I saw Jesse picking up the mail at Alan’s repair shop so I assumed it was finished. He waved his towel in the air. Alan and I jogged to him.
“Now Alan, I have a surprise for you.” I told him and covered his eyes with my hands. “On the count of three open your eyes.” I told him.
“One, two, three!” Jesse and I shouted. I removed my hands and he opened his eyes. They immediately watered up as he read the big red sign.
“For me?” He asked.
“For you.” I told him. He ran up to me and picked me up and twirled me.
“I love you, I love you, I love you.” He repeated.
“I love you too but don’t just stand here looking at me, go ahead and check out the inside.” I told him. He ran into the shop while I stayed and talked to Jesse.
“I can’t thank you enough.” I told him.
“Well, the sap really does love you.” He said as he twisted his towel and whipped me.
“Ow! That kinda hurt!” I told him.
“Well, it wasn’t meant to feel good.” He told me. Alan came walking back out of the store.
“Well? What do you think?” Jesse asked him.
“I’m in tears I like it so much. I don’t know how I can ever thank you.” Alan said to Jesse.
“No need to thank me but if you ever hurt her well, you better be hiding.” Jesse said.
“No need to scare him Jess.” I told him. I walked over to Alan and he kissed me.
“My dreams are finally coming true!” He said. “And its all thanks to you.”
“I can’t take all the credit. Jesse did like 99.9% of the work.” I told him with a chuckle.
“That’s true.” Jesse added.
“Thank you both.” Alan said. Jesse threw Alan the keys.
“Its all yours.”
I walked into the store with Alan and was amazed. Jesse had some serious talent. The shelfs were stocked and all the wood was carefully crafted. I didn’t know he was going to do such a good job. I hugged Jesse.
“You know you have a real talent?” I asked him.
“Its just the basic stuff.” He said and put his towel over his shoulder.
“Jesse, thats awesome. Why don’t you become and architect?” I asked him.
“Because my passion is the war. I need to fight for something.” He said.
“You’re going into war?” Alan asked him.
“Yeah. In about a year. I’ve already signed up.” Jesse said as if it was nothing.
“Its a stupid idea and I would kill you if you ever decided to.” I told Alan.
“What made you sign up for it?” Alan asked him.
“Its that sense that you’re doing something right. That you have an actual meaning. I need to be apart of something and there’s nothing bigger than the army.” He said.
“I salute you for it.” Alan said.
“Thanks.” Jesse said.
“Its a brave and noble thing to do.” Alan said.
“Yeah, well don’t get any ideas.” I joked with Alan. Alan looked up at his shop and looked back at me.
“Do you know how incredible you are?” He asked me. I just smiled. He picked me up and kissed me again.
“Alan!” We heard a voice scream.
“What that?” Jesse asked.
“Just my Mom. She had dinner made. You wanna come?” Alan asked Jesse.
“Yeah.” Jesse said and followed us back to Alan’s house.
“I brought one more person.” Alan said as he kissed his Mom on the cheek.
“Hold on, let me set out one more place mat.” She said and ran into the house.
“You know hun, you should ask instead of tell her. Its more respectful.” I told him.
“Yeah, yeah.” He said.
It really did bug me that Alan was disrespectful to his Mother because I could tell she was an angel in disguise. She really was such a nice woman and I could tell she deserved more than this. His Mother showed us to the kitchen and we all took our seats.
“Lets eat.” She said and we all stood up and fixed our plates.


After we were done eating I headed home.
“Well, I must be leaving but it was a pleasure meeting you.” I said to his Mother and kissed her on the cheek.
“And the same to you, my dear.” She said. “Come again!” She shouted as Alan walked me out the door.
“Sit with me?” Alan asked as he took a seat on the swing on the porch. I sat next to him. “You know I love you and I would do anything for you?” He asked.
“Alan, you’re scaring me.” I told him. He reached over and held my hand.
“Answer me.” He said.
“Yes, I know that.” I told him. “What is this about?”
“What I’m going to tell you is hard for me.” He confessed.
“Alan!” I said almost in tears. “What is it?” I asked.
“I never wanted to hurt you.” He said. A tear escaped from my eye. Was he leaving me? Was he really going to leave me? I’ve just met his family. How could he? “Jane, I have to leave.”
“Leave? And go where?” I asked him.
“I’m sorry.” He mumbled.
“Alan! Just tell me!” I yelled at him.
“Janey, I enlisted!” He said and stood up. He put both hands on his head.
“You did what!” I yelled.
“I did.” He said with tears down his cheeks.
“Why?” I asked him barely able to talk.
“When you brother talked about finding himself, I needed that. I need to be a part of something!” He said.
“Be apart of my life! Stay here with me!” I begged him.
“I can’t.” He said quietly. My knee’s gave out and I fell to the ground. “Jane!” He shouted and bent down to help me.
“Don’t touch me.” I told him.
“Janey,” He began to say.
“Don’t call me that.” I told him with tears still in my eyes. He reached to touch my hair. I pulled away and turned my face so I didn’t have to look him into his eyes.
“This is for me.” He said.
“And this is for me.” I told him and walked away. I heard him kick the side of the house. He groan in pain. I almost smiled, happy he was in pain too.
When I got home I charged up to Jesse’s room. I was furious at him.
“How could you!” I screamed as I bursted through the door. He was sitting on his bed listening to radio on his night stand. He turned his radio down and stood up.
“What are you talking about?” He asked. I pushed him on his bed and exploded.
“Andy! He’s going to enlist! He’s leaving, Jesse and its all your fault!” I blamed him.
“How is it my fault?” He screamed back.
“You made it sound so great, like it wasn’t stupid and you were going to find you’re self and thats what he wanted! Now I’m never going to see him again.” I said and caught my breath.
“Its his choice.” Jesse stated.
“But if it wasn’t for you telling him all those things he wouldn’t have considered it.” I told him with tears in my eyes. He stood up and hugged me.
“I love him.” I confessed.
“I know.” Jesse said.
“What if he doesn’t come back?” I asked Jesse, hoping that he would say something to make me feel better.
“Knowing that he might not come back, do you really want to have him leave knowing that you are mad at him?” He asked me. The answer to that was no but I didn’t want to say it. Some times I hated having Jesse be right. I shook my head no so he knew I was listening and then I walked down stairs. Before I got to the bottom of the stair case I heard my Mother talking to Andy. He was standing in the door way begging her.
“Please, Mrs. Johnson, let me see Jane. I need to.” He asked.
“I’m sorry Andy.” She said but just before she closed the door I came down the stairs.
“Jane!” Andy shouted and barged through the door. “I’m so sorry! I never meant to hurt you.” He said and kissed my hand. I pulled my hand from his grip.
“When?” I asked him.
“A month.” He confessed taking his plaid hat off.
“A month, Andy? Really?” I asked him about to break down. He nodded. “Why now?” I asked him.
“I don’t know, it just seemed right.” He said.
“That makes no sense.” I said and walked up to my room. Andy followed behind me.
“Something are not made to make sense.” He said and shut my door behind him.
“But,” I began.
“But nothing.” He sighed. “I’m enlisted. I’m sorry. I will come back and you will be waiting for me.” He said and graced my cheek.
“How do you know?” I asked him.
“That you will be waiting for me or that I will come back?” He asked.
“That you will come back.” I answered.
“Because my love for you is too strong to leave.” He said.
“But you’re leaving it by enlisting.” I explained. I took a deep breath of the clean strawberry smell in the air. I closed my eyes to embrace the smell to calm me and my nerves. I opened my eyes and looked into Andy’s.
“But I will come back.” He reassured me. He placed two hands on my cheeks and kissed me, and again and again. I put my arms around his neck. He slowly slid my dress off. He kissed my neck as I latched his belt. He dropped his pants and threw off his shirt. He walked me backwards to my bed. He gently laid me down. He slid off his boxers and laid on the bed with me. No words were said. It was just us and our heavy breaths. He laid on top of me and unhooked my bra. I took it off and threw it on the floor. He slid my panties off and dropped them. He kissed my lips gently. I kissed his lips back. He kissed my neck and then kissed all the way down to my stomach. He held himself over me.
“Do you love me?” He asked.
“I love you.” I told him.
“I love you.” He said and then we kissed again.


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After we both laid on my bed as the light came through my window. My blue sheets were sprawled across our nakedness as my blankets were across the floor with our clothes. He had his arm around me as I drew circles on his strong, tanned chest.
“When you leave, what am I going to do?” I asked him and sat up. I held the sheet around my chest to make sure I wasn’t showing anything but at this point, does it really matter?
“You will be fine.” He said and played with my hair.
“How do you know?” I asked him.
“Because I will write every week.” He promised. “We will tell each other everything that happens and it will be like each other are really there.” I set my head on his chest and put my hands through his soft hair.
“Can’t you just stay here with me?” I asked him. He sat up and leaned against the frame of the bed. I sat across from him.
“Because.” He said. I mean really what kind of answer is that?
“Use complete sentences.” I told him.
“Because I need to go.” He said.
“But you could stay and we could stay together and we could grow old and have kids and,” I went on. I didn’t know why I was babbling. All I knew is I didn’t want him to leave.
“Woah, woah. Jane, don’t get a head of your self.” He said.
“Please don’t leave.” I begged him.
“I have to.” He said. I dropped the sheet that was covering my body and stood up. It was chilling and I began to get goosebumps. I crawled on top of him and I immediately felt the warmth of his body.
“If you stay you can have me.” I tried to bribe him.
“Don’t tease me.” He said and put his hands on my shoulder. He ran his hands down my sides and then he touched my thigh. I kissed his lips. He kissed mine and then I bit his bottom lip. I let go of it and then he kissed me again. His tongue touched my bottom lip as I opened my mouth. He pulled the sheets over both our bodies.
“I love you.” He mumbled.
“I love you too.” I said back to him. In the same second I ended that sentence my door swung open. There stood Jesse, his mouth open and eyes wide. I rolled off Alan and hide myself behind the bed.
“Dammit Jesse!” I shouted as Alan adjusted himself so nothing showed.
“Hey man, whats up.” Alan said casually. I quickly looked for my panties, bra and some sort of covering. I found my panties and bra and quickly put them on. I looked for my clothes but I couldn’t find the. I saw Alan’s blue button up shirt so I slid it over my head. It was long enough so my undies didn’t show.
“Jane!” Jesse said and came into the room. He shut and locked the door behind him. I came out from behind the bed. I picked up the sheet I used to cover myself and I threw it to Alan.
“Thanks babe.” He said and covered himself.
“Whats this?” Jesse asked.
“Its nothing.” I told him.
“Don’t tell me its nothing!” He screamed.
“Sh! Keep your voice down! Mom’s going to hear you.” I warned him.
“Maybe she should hear me!” Jesse said quieter. Jesse looked at Alan. Alan smiled a crooked grin trying to say sorry without words. I was so embarrassed at this point. Jesse started walking towards Alan.
“Jesse, stop!” I told him while holding him back.
“Come on, were all friends here.” Alan tried convincing him.
“You sir, are not my friend.” Jesse said and stopped fighting me trying to hold him back.
“It just happened Jesse. Don’t hurt him.” I begged and look into his eyes. “I’m not a little girl anymore. I can decide things for myself.”
“But you are still a little girl.” He said and touched my cheek.
“But I’m not.” I told him. He sighed.
“At least told me you used some sort of protection.” He said. I looked down at my feet. Everything happened kinda fast, I didn’t get a chance to think about it. “Oh God!” He said and ran out of the room. He came back with a little box. He opened it up and pulled out a little stick. He handed to me.
“Pee on it.” He demanded. Alan sat up and look for his boxers.
“Do what?” I asked him. Was he crazy?
“Pee on it.” He demanded again.
“Where did you find this?” I asked him.
“Mom’s room. Now pee on it before I go get her.” He demanded. I was disgusted that my mother would still need pregnancy test but I was a little more concerned that my brother wanted me to take one.
“Jesse, you do know that you have to wait like two or more weeks to take a pregnancy test.” I told him. Alan was behind my bed putting on his boxers and his muscle shirt. When he came out he had just that on. He then slid on his pants but not his shirt because I was wearing it.
“I’m just worried.” He confessed.
“Don’t worry, I pulled out.” Alan said while putting an arm around me. I put my hands over my head in disbelief that he actually just told my older brother that. Jesse tried charging him but again, I held him back.
“Wait for me down stairs.” I asked Jesse. He turned around and walked out. I shut the door and locked it. I took off Alan’s shirt and gave it too him. He pulled me close and kissed me. I placed my hand on his chest.
“We are in deep shit.” I told him.
“Its already done. There’s nothing they can do.” He said as he hugged me with his big strong arms. I smelled his muscle shirt. I loved Alan’s smell. It was musky but fresh at the same time.
“They can keep us apart.” I told him.
“No one, can keep me away from you.” He said and kissed my forehead. I turned around and walked towards my closet. I looked through it. Alan came up behind me and took out my purple dress with my purple scarf.
“Wear this one.” He said and handed to me. I slid it on over my bra and panties and he helped me with the scarf. I went to my bathroom and looked into my mirror. My hair was a mess. It was down and a frizzy mess. I picked up my brush and tried to comb through it. Once I got it presentable I took Alan’s hand and walked down stairs.
“You were up there a while.” My Mother said. She was in the kitchen making cookies. My Dad sat at the table with his paper and a cup of coffee.
“We watched a movie.” Alan said. Jesse was sitting on the porch swinging on the brown wooden swing.
“I’ll be right back.” I said and walked to the porch. I sat on the swing with Jesse. We sat in silence for a while until he spoke up.
“Do you know how much a little mistake can change your life?” He asked me.
“Yes but you will take that change for someone you love.” I told him.
“Why didn’t you,” He began to ask but I stopped him.
“It doesn’t matter Jesse, its done and over with and you can’t change anything that happened. It was my choice to do it and I will accept the consequences.” I told him.
“But you’re practically a baby.” He told me.
“I’m not. I’m a woman and you have to accept that I’m growing up.” I told him. He hung his head. A breeze came through and blew all the flowers in the green yard. I looked up into the blue sky and took in the nature and all that I was blessed with. Jesse put his arm around me.
“I’m going to miss you.” He said.
“Then don’t go.” I told him.
“Its not that easy.” He said.
“How?” I asked. “Everyone says its not that easy but I don’t see how its not easy.”
“Its just not, okay.” He said and stood up. I stood up and hugged him. “I miss this.”
“I miss it too.” I told him. I stepped on his feet and we danced just like he did when I was little. After a few minutes Alan went outside with us.
“Cookies are done.” He said. I got off Jesse’s feet and Alan took my hand. I saw Alan give Jesse a weird look.
“Hello dear.” My Father said as we took our seat at the table.
“Oh Daddy, this is Alan.” I began to introduce him but I was interrupted.
“We have already met.” He said.
“Where?” I asked.
“Alan’s repair shop.” Dad said and looked up from his paper.
“Oh.” I said. Alan smiled at me. He didn’t know that my parents weren’t suppose to know but maybe, just maybe, he didn’t say anything about it.
“So, Alan tells me that he is enlisting.” My Dad said. “What makes you do such a thing like that, boy?”
“Well sir, I want to be apart of something.” He said politely. Jesse sat next to me worried that Alan would blow his secret. My Mom handed me a cookie.
“Wow! This is really good! Here try a bit.” I said and shoved the whole cookie in Alan’s mouth to keep him from saying anything.
“Mmm.” Alan said while giving me a confused look.
“Alan your shoes are untied.” I said and he looked down to tie them. “Let me help you.” I said and bent down with him under the table.
“I’m not wearing shoes.” He said.
“Don’t say anything about Jesse enlisting.” I warned him and sat up. Mom and Dad were looking at me as if I had three heads.
“I tied them.” Alan said and smiled.
“Son?” My Dad asked Alan.
“Yes sir.” Alan answered.
“You’re not wearing shoes.” He pointed out. I hit my hand over my head.
“Yes, sir.” Alan said. Dad looked back at his paper.
“What was I suppose to say?” Alan mouthed me.
“I don’t know.” I mouthed him back.
“Well, that was one good cookie but I think I’m going to take a walk.” I said and started to head out the door. “Alan, will you join me?” I asked him.
“Oh, yeah. Well, it was nice meeting you sir.” Alan said and reached out his hand for my Dad to shake but all my Dad did was stare at it. “Al-rightly.” Alan followed me outside.
“You shoe is untied? Really?” Alan asked me.
“I’m sorry! I couldn’t think of anything.” I told him.
“What about you dropped your napkin? or you dropped a piece of cookie?” He said.
“Alright Mr. Smarty, next time I wont say anything and Jesse can pummel you for blowing his secret!” I yelled at him.
“Well its better than making a terrible first impression!” He yelled back as we left my drive way. I kicked up dirt from the dirt road.
“Just shut up!” I screamed.
“You are the one going on about it!” He screamed back.
“Ah!” I yelled in his face. I walked faster to get away from him.
“Jane.” He yelled as I walked away from him. I was mad that he kept yelling at me. I told him I was sorry and it already happened and there’s nothing I can do now. “Come back.” He ran after me. He tackled me and we fell into the tall weeds on the side of the road. He laid on top of me. His smile won me over.
“I love you.” He said and kissed me.
“Ugh.” I stood up and wiped off the dirt on me. I don’t know why but we can never be mad at each other. We’ve had so many fights but they only last a minute or two before one of us falls in love with the others eyes and then we always kiss and it always makes it all better. One of these days I want us to have a fight and for one of us Not to break it up. It would be nice to be mad for a second. Does that sound wrong?

Alan and I walked back to the house hand in hand. Halfway there we stopped.
“What is it?” I asked him.
“Sh.” He said and looked up. After a few moments passed I looked and listened really hard for what he was trying to hear but I couldn’t hear anything.
“Alan, what is it?” I asked.
“Usual you can hear these birds. They are blue and they sit on that there tree limb and they sing. They sing for hours. Its so heavenly.” He said and then he started humming a tune.
“You’re crazy.” I said to him as he twirled around in the dirt street. “Dance with me?” He asked. I shook my head as I looked up at the orange sky. The sun was setting and it looked so beautiful.
“I’m good.” I told him while laughing.
“You can dance with Jesse but not me?” He asked.
“Alan.” I said.
“Its true.” He said while standing in front of me and taking both my hands. He pulled me close and wrapped his arms around my waist.
“But there’s no music.” I told him.
“We don’t need music. We can make our own.” He said. I wrapped my arms around his neck. He started humming as we twirled and spun all up and down the street. He leaned me back kissed me. He was so romantic. I looked up at the setting sun and closed my eyes, never wanting this moment to leave. I remembered that he was leaving in only a short couple weeks and then I felt like crying.
“Please, please, don’t leave me.” I begged him.
“Sh.” He said and then started humming again. After a while Jane stops dancing. “What?” He asks.
“When you leave, its the little memories like this that will, some how, get me through but I wont forget you. I’m afraid that you wont come back. I’m afraid that our love will be lost and I know time makes it harder but I want to keep your memory.” I started to say but I began babbling again and he stopped me.
“Stay here in this moment with me.” He said and then took me in his arms again and started dancing.

After a while of dancing we went back to the house. I heard Daddy and Jesse yelling. I walked in hand in hand with Alan. Jesse was standing on one side of the table and Dad was on the other.
“Are you crazy, boy?” My Dad yelled.
“Dad, its what I want!” Jesse yelled back.
“I don’t care what you want! You’re not going!” My Father yelled.
“John, let him be.” My Mother pleaded. My Dad back handed her and then she fell to the ground.
“Mom!” Jesse and I both yelled. I ran to her and tried to help her.
“I’m fine.” She said but her eye was black and blue.
“No you’re not.” I told her. I stayed down on the floor with her, scared that I’d be the next one to get hit. Alan stood by the door way.
“I enlisted.” Jesse said quietly. “Why are you so against it?” He asked him.
“I just am! You don’t need a reason!” He shouted at him.
“Don’t come back after you leave! You wont be welcome! You leave and I disown you!” He shouted.
“I’m 20, you can’t disown me.” Jesse reminded him. “I can do what ever I want.” My Dad was furious. He turned to me. My eyes grew wide.
“Did you know about this!?!” He asked.
“Ye-, ye-, ye-, yes.” I tried to say. He raised his hand over his hand ready to strike me but Alan stopped him. He grabbed his hand.
“Sir.” Alan said.
“What do you think you’re doing, boy?” My Father asked him more pissed than before.
“Sir, hit me, if you must but please not the lady.” He said. My Dad shook his head and went up stairs. Jesse slouched in a chair relieved. I jumped into Alan’s arms.
“Thank you.” I told him. He kissed my cheek and then set me down. He bent down to my Mom and helped her up.
“Are you okay, ma’am?” He asked.
“Thank you Alan, but you can call me Maria.” My Mother said to him. Alan nodded. I don’t know what I would do with out him. I’m happy Jesse told my Father but somehow I saw it going a little smoother than it actually did.

Weeks and weeks passed and Alan and I grew stronger. My Father and everyone on the other hand, grew even more apart. He didn’t talk to anyone. I couldn’t tell if he was mad or disappointed but I didn’t really get a chance to ask. Even more than I hated not talking to my Father, I hated the fact that in a day he will be gone. We have grown so close and I couldn’t go on with out him. I remembered when we first met, not even a year ago. We hardly knew each other. Just two teenagers with open hearts and then he swooped in and changed everything. He takes me to school each day and he picks me up and the children have grown to love him just as I do. Alan is the man of my dreams. My parents approve and that only makes it harder to let him go.
Jesse and him are both leaving on the same day. I try to spend time with both of them before they go but I hate to have a time limit. Each night goes by and each sun rise reminds me that its one more day closer to having them leave. Alan stays the night at my house. Of course he sleeps in Jesse’s room but Jesse lets him sneak out.

Its about midnight when Alan sneaks in my room tonight. This is the last night we will be together. I lay not able to sleep with the thought of him in the next room not being with me. He walked through my creaking floor and slid into my bed. I moved over towards one side so he had more room. He wrapped his arms around my waist and moved to hug me with his big strong arms.
“I couldn’t sleep either.” He said as I turned to him. We faced each other with only inches away. He kissed me and I kissed him back. He saw I had tears in my eyes so he wiped them and then said, “Don’t cry.” I looked into his eyes to see they were watering up too.
Rain fell, angry on the tin roof, as we lay awake in my bed. I set with my head on his chest. He runs his hands through my hair. We both lay in silence, soaking up the time. We listen to the rain and we cherish every kiss we have left. When I woke up I saw Alan next to me. Usually after I fall asleep he gets up and goes back to Jesse’s room so I was surprised when he hadn’t. I laid awake in his sleeping arms when I heard the door open. My Mom walked in. There was no need for me to cover anyone up because Alan had his boxers on and I was wearing my long shirt. I sat up, worried what she would say.
“Is he awake yet?” She asked me. I rubbed my eyes.
“No.” I whispered. I gently got out of bed and stood up. “You’re not mad?”
“For?” She whispered.
“His staying in my room.” I said.
“Oh honey, I’m not stupid. I’d rather you do it here than run around behind my back. I’d rather you come to me and tell me but it’s your last night and I think its good that you spent it together.” She said. I was surprise that that was her answer. I hugged her.
“I love you.” I said. She rubbed my back.
“I love you too.” She said and then went back down stairs. I crawled back into bed with Alan. I covered myself up and sighed. Jesse walked into the room and walked over to my bed. He slightly smile and kissed my forehead. He walked out to get ready. I sat up and gently kissed Alan’s lips. He woke up and kissed mine back.
“You have to get ready.” I told him. He yawned. I uncovered him and I stood up and walked around to his side of the bed. He stood up and stretched. “I’m going to get ready. You go into Jesse’s room with him and get ready. I will met you two down stairs.” He nodded and went to Jesse’s room. I went to my closet and put on my brown capris. I pulled them up over my belly. I then put on my red belly button shirt. It didn’t show much with my capris so high. I combed my hair and put some light red lip stick on. I walked down stairs to see Jesse and Alan on the porch with there duffle bags. They both looked so handsome. I stepped outside and took a good look at them. My Mother stood next to me. A tear went and fell from both of our faces. I hugged Alan.
“Please, don’t go.” I begged him.
“I have to.” He replied which only made me cry more. He kissed me and I kissed him. Our lips didn’t come unconnected. I pulled away and hugged Jesse.
“Remember your promise.” I told him.
“I remember.” He said and kissed my cheek. My Mom hugged Jesse and they said there goodbyes. I saw my Father in his bedroom window. How could he not come down and say good bye to his son? How could he be that mean?
“Alan,” I said to him as I hugged him again. “Promise me, no matter what, you wont stop loving me.”
“I promise.” He said crying. I wiped his lip which had pink lip stick on it and his eye which were all wet. I let go of him but he pulled me back. I embraced his arms and his love. I didn’t want to let go.
“Jane, he has to go.” My Mom said and tried to pull me away. I didn’t let go of him. The tears were rolling down my cheeks now.
“No.” I mumbled after I let go.
“I love you.” He said just before he started walking to Jesse’s car which has Jesse’s friend in the front seat to take him to the train.
“I love you too.” I said. My Mom held me so I wouldn’t run after him but that didn’t stop me. I ran off the porch and jumped into his arms. I kissed his lips over and over again. He sat me down and I bit my lip.
“Tell me that we belong together!” I cried.
“We belong together. You are my one, my only.” He said. He walked towards the car. He sat down and was about to close the door. I had to say something. I had to try to say something to make him stay.
“If you truly love me, you wont go!” I shouted as he got into the car. He sat his bag down and walked up to me. I was worried. What would he say?
“Do you really think that I don’t love you?” He asked me.
“No but,” I started.
“No buts, Jane. I love you so much it hurts. You have to know that. I’m doing this for me. If you loved me you will let me go.” He said and placed his two hand on my upper arm. He gently kissed my lips and got into the car. That was our last kiss. But it wouldn’t really be our last kiss, right? I mean he promised. I was trying so hard to convince myself. I watched as he backed out of the drive way and watched the dust swirl as the car drove away. I ran to the end of the drive way. I saw him look at me as he got further away. I watched as he disappeared into the distance. I dropped to my knee’s. Just like that he was Gone. There was nothing stopping the tears. My Mom walked to me. She sat in the dirt with me. The dusty dirt in the air made it hard to breath.
“It will be okay.” She promise.
“A bunch of empty promise is all I ever get!” I cried into her. She held me tight as I let it all out. After I was done crying she walked me into the house.
Mom sat me at the table and got into the freezer and got me out some ice cream, “You are so beautiful. Even when you’re crying. Honey, believe him when he said he will never leave you. That boy loves you.” She said while giving me the bowl of ice cream. I sniffled from all the crying. “He’s not gone, he will be back.”
After I was done with my ice cream I went to my room. I laid down on my bed. I know this wasn’t the end of the world. I know that he will come back. I kept telling myself. I picked up his shirt which he had left on my floor. I took off all my clothes and put his shirt on. I crawled back into bed and smelled his shirt and when I closed my eyes I saw me laying on his chest and me smelling his sent. Oh, how I loved his smell. I fell asleep not long after that. ~~~~~~~~

“Please, don’t go.” I begged Alan.
“I have to.” He replied which only made me cry more. He kissed me and I kissed him. Our lips didn’t come unconnected. I pulled away and hugged Jesse.
“Remember your promise.” I told him.
“I remember.” He said and kissed my cheek. My Mom hugged Jesse and they said there goodbyes. I saw my Father in his bedroom window. How could he not come down and say good bye to his son? How could he be that mean?
“Alan,” I said to him as I hugged him again. “Promise me, no matter what, you wont stop loving me.”
“I promise.” He said crying. I wiped his lip which had pink lip stick on it and his eye which were all wet. I let go of him but he pulled me back. I embraced his arms and his love. I didn’t want to let go. I laughed at the smeared makeup.
“Jane, he has to go.” My Mom said and tried to pull me away. I didn’t let go of him. The tears were rolling down my cheeks now.
“No.” I mumbled after I let go.
“I love you.” He said just before he started walking to Jesse’s car which has Jesse’s friend in the front seat to take him to the train.
“I love you too.” I said. My Mom held me so I wouldn’t run after him but that didn’t stop me. I ran off the porch and jumped into his arms. I kissed his lips over and over again. He sat me down and I bit my lip.
“Tell me that we belong together!” I cried.
“We belong together. You are my one, my only.” He said. He walked towards the car. He sat down and was about to close the door. I had to say something. I had to try to say something to make him stay.
“If you truly love me, you wont go!” I shouted as he got into the car. He sat his bag down and walked up to me. I was worried. What would he say?
“Do you really think that I don’t love you?” He asked me.
“No but,” I started.
“No buts, Jane. I love you so much it hurts. You have to know that. I’m doing this for me. If you loved me you will let me go.” He said. He kissed me once more and then I let him go. He got into the car. I chased it down the drive way. I stood, alone, looking at the car which had just disappeared into the distance. I hung my hands. A tear fell from my eye and hit the dirt and shattered. I turned around looking at my house. I closed my eyes and when I opened them I saw the car. It had come back. It parked ten feet away from me. Alan ran out of it and picked me up. He kissed me so passionately.
“I couldn’t leave you.” He said through our kisses. Jesse got out of the car and leaned against it and watched us as we kissed. I pulled away from the kiss and opened my arms to Jesse. He came up and hugged me. ~~~~~~
Just as Alan was going to kiss me again I woke up. Debbie began jumping on my bed. My sheet fell to the ground and my shirt came up to my waist.
“Well, well.” She said with a chuckle. I quickly pulled it back down.
“What are you doing?” I asked still half asleep. In fact I didn’t even want to wake up. That was one of the best dreams ever. Only if it wasn’t just a dream...
“I’m tired of watching you sleep.” She said and took off my covers which I covered my face with. “We are going to the beach.” She pulled me out of bed.
“I don’t wanna.” I argued.
“Did I ask you if you wanted to?” She asked. She crossed her arms over her busty chest and leaned on one hip.
“No but,”
“No buts! Get dressed before I have to dress you.” She said. I groaned and got up. I slid on my undies and a pair of shorts. I put on my bra and my bikini top. I looked over at Debbie. She was wearing her pink poodle skirt and her black shoes.
“Aren’t you a little dress up for the beach?” I asked her while tying my top.
“I just came from a family thing. I ditched.” She said. She sat on my bed and looked at my night stand. I had a black and white picture of Alan and I. I was on the swing in the back yard wearing my sunday clothes. He came up behind me and kissed my cheek. I loved that picture and thats why I framed it. She picked it up and looked at it closely. “You took two are perfect for each other.” She said quietly. I threw my hair up in a bun and took off my glasses and smiled.
“How’s John?” I asked her while sitting next to her. She sat down my picture.
“I don’t know.” She sighed. “The girl he was with at the beach that one day, Sally I think her name was, he’s been seen hanging around. He doesn’t even see me anymore. I think its really over.” She said and looked at me. I hugged her.
“He wasn’t worth your time.” I told her.
“But I loved him.” She said.
“There will be more guys and more broken hearts.” I said truthfully.
“I know.” She said. “What am I going to do for Olivia’s wedding? I don’t have a date anymore.”
“Well, since Alan left I wont have a date either.” I told her. She sighed. I thought of the guys she had dated before. “What about Charlie?”
“Charlie Jankins?” She asked. I nodded. “He was too clingy and I think he wasn’t as straight as I thought.” I chuckled.
“Okay then, he wont work.” I pointed out the obvious. Deb didn’t date many guys. She kinda stuck to John.
“I don’t know but lets go to the beach.” She said and stood up. She looked down at her out fit.
“Wanna borrow a bikini?” I suggested. She nodded and I went to my closet. I grabbed out a bikini and a pair of shorts. I handed them to her and she changed. We both walked down stairs and grabbed a pop and headed out the door. I got into my car and we headed to the beach. When I pulled into the lot I looked out over the water. It was so beautiful, the way it was moving and the way the sun hit it just right.
“You okay?” Debbie asked.
“Fine.” I reassured her. We got out of the car and walked towards the music. I saw Johnny, Kenny, Marcus and Pete. They came up to me and gave me a hug. I’ve known them since middle school. I’ve never really hung out with girls besides Debbie. I found that they lie too much and that they don’t always watch your back. I found Johnny, Kenny, Marcus and Pete and they have always had my back.
“Hey gorgeous.” Johnny said while kissing my cheek.
“Has that dork Alan gave you up yet?” Marcus asked. Debbie hit him in the gut.
“Actually he enlisted and left yesterday with Jesse.” I told him.
“Oh, I’m sorry.” Marcus said.
“Its fine but I’m going to miss him, you know?” I asked but then I realized that I’m the only girl the guys have ever talked to. “Never mind.”
“Wanna take a swim?” Kenny asked me. Kenny and I were always the closet. He’s always the one who I would go to first.
“Yeah!” Debbie and I said. We both slid off our shorts. The guys acted like pigs and whistled. I hit them in the gut.
“Stop it.” Debbie said while she was laughing with me. Kenny picked me up and threw me over his shoulder. He ran into the water. He instantly slowed once the water got knee high.
“Kenny!” I shouted as he went deeper into the water. I held onto his strong biceps making sure I could fall. I put his hand around my thigh. Once the water was up to his pecks he set me into the water. He slowly set me down leaving his hands around my waist as we looked into each others eyes. His bright blue eyes shimmered with the water. His sandy colored hair hung down. His red lips called me out. We both went in for the kiss. I didn’t know what I was doing but for some reason, I could stop. Just as our lips were about to touch Debbie came up behind him on Johnny’s back. Kenny jumped and I backed away from him. We both realized what we were going to do. He didn’t seem as concerned as I did.
Johnny was hugging Debbie. I gave Debbie that look and she smiled back. Johnny always had a thing for Debbie. I guess Debbie just liked guys with the name of John but Johnny was so much different than John was. Johnny wasn’t a player like him. You could tell that he wasn’t just kidding and that he really did love her just by the way he looks at her and says her name. I floated backwards in the water. Marcus came up behind Kenny and patted him on the back. Did he see what we were going to do? I was worried that someone saw. What would they say? I’m not a two timer. Nothing happened. I kept telling myself.
After a while of swimming I got tired and swam back to shore. I laid my towel on the beach and watched the sun set. I went back to Alan and I dancing in the street. Kenny followed me back to shore. I laid with my shades above my head. He came up from behind me and laid his towel touching mine. He laid down next to me. I looked at Marcus, Johnny, Pete and Debbie in the water. Johnny came up behind Debbie and wrapped his arms around her flat stomach. He kissed he neck. She turned around and there lips touched. My jaw almost dropped. That was the moment she had been waiting for.
Pete, Johnny, Marcus and Kenny were all good looking fella’s. They were all fit, and I mean freaking buff. They were all tanned and handsome. I was lucky to have such caring, good looking friends. I looked over at Kenny’s wet body. He looked so good. He shook his wet hair all over me.
“Ah!” I shouted and tried to cover myself. He laughed at my yelling. I laid down and covered my eyes with my sun glasses. I closed my eyes and relaxed. When I opened them Kenny was leaning over me. I took off my glasses and sat up. As soon as I opened my mouth to say something he planted a kiss on me. He held my face with one hand while his other hand was behind me in the sand holding him up. He kissed me. I kept my eyes closed. I wanted to pull away but I didn’t have the will. His tongue slipped into my mouth as mine did with his. I thought of Alan. How could I betray him like this? I asked myself. I pulled away from Kenny’s amazing kiss, confused and almost about to cry. I looked over at Debbie, who was standing ankle deep in the water. She had saw the whole thing. I was speechless. I tried to find words to say. I looked at Kenny and then Debbie trying to say something, anything but when my mouth opened nothing came out. I got up and ran to the car. I got in and looked at myself in the mirror.
“How could you?” I asked myself. “He’s not even gone for more than one day and you go around kissing your best friend!” I scolded myself. I looked at Debbie. She shook her head in disbelief at Kenny. I stood outside my car in unbelief at what I just did.
“In her moment of weakness?” Debbie asked him in disgust. Kenny punched his fist in the sand. Marcus, Pete and Johnny came out of the water. They looked like they had seen the whole thing too. I was so embarrassed. Debbie came and put a hand on my back. Johnny came jogging over to me.
“We saw the whole thing.” He said as Marcus and Pete approached him.
“We know you had nothing to do about it.” Marcus added.
“I may not have kissed him but I didn’t pull away either.” I told him. “How am I going to tell Alan?”
“Don’t tell him.” Pete said. Pete has always been quiet. He never has an opinion. Everyone looked at him in disbelief.
“I agree.” Marcus and Johnny said after they got out of there shocked state.
“How can I lie to him?” I asked Debbie.
“Its not lying if you just don’t tell him.” Debbie said.
“That seems so wrong.” I said.
“Its that or tell him and risk losing him.” Marcus said.
“We know it was just a stupid kiss but some times its little stupid things that mean the most.” Pete added. I hugged Johnny, Marcus and Pete.
“Thanks guys.” I said. Johnny walked over to Debbie.
“Maybe you and me can go do something some time.” He said as he leaned against my car. I chuckled.
“Yeah, I’d like that.” She said and then they kissed again. They were such a cute couple and its about time that Debbie found someone worth keeping. Now, its time to deal with my problem.
Debbie and I got into my car. I waved to the guys as I pulled away. I looked in the rear view mirror as we left the beach. I saw Kenny walked up to them. Marcus hit him over the head and I saw Johnny yelling at him. Is it bad that I liked the kiss? I didn’t want to pull away so thats why I didn’t. I’m a terrible girl friend. I have to tell Alan.
“Jane, don’t.” Debbie said.
“Don’t what?” I asked her confused because our whole car ride was silent until she said that.
“How long have we known each other?” She asked me.
“Ever since we were little.” I told her.
“And thats why I know you so well. You are blaming your self. Its not your fault. He kissed you and thats why you can’t tell Alan. Imagine what it will do to him. Just forget about it, Jane. Trust me.” She said.
“Okay.” I said reluctantly. I knew it was just a stupid kiss and it doesn’t mean anything but some how I feel like I betrayed him...
When we got home I put the keys on the dash and got out of the car. Debbie followed me into the house.
“Debbie! How are you, hun?” My Mom asked as she gave her a hug as soon as we got through the door.
“Just fine. You are looking younger and younger every time I see you.” Debbie said she she touched my Mom’s cheeks.
“Bless your soul.” My Mom said with a chuckle and then went back into the kitchen. “Lunch will be done shortly!”
“We will be in my room so just call us down when its ready!” I hollered from the top of the stairs. We went into my room and she laid on my bed.
“How do you do?” She asked me. I grabbed my radio and turned it on.
“Do what?” I asked.
“Not have Alan with you.” She said as she looked at the ceiling.
“Its only been about a day. I have a lot of alone time. I might as well get use to it.” I told her. She sat up.
“But how are you going to do it?” She asked.
“I don’t know. I guess I’m going to remember the good times and all the good times to come.” I said, “ Oh! And of course we will be sending each other letters every week!”
“Letters?” She asked.
“Yes, Debbie. Letters. We will tell each other everything that has happened that past week and everything we are thinking and feeling.” I said while taking a seat next to her. “That’s what you do for love.”
“What about Jesse?” She asked me.
“I don’t know. I didn’t really talk to him much about that. In fact I only gave him a hug before he left.” I said while thinking. I really should have said more to him. “I will write him Letter’s too.”
“How long do you guys have?” She asked me.
“I think Alan said a year.” I said.
“A years a really long time.” Debbie said while picking up another picture of Alan and I in front of his Repair shop.
“Yeah it is.” I said while touching his face in the picture.
“What are you going to do about his repair shop?” She asked me.
“His father is taking it over.” I said. I knew his father was a chauvinistic pig but he was a good business man and he would take good care of it.
“Oh.” Debbie said. After that it was silent. It was kinda awkward so I said something.
“So, you and Johnny.” I said while a chuckle.
“Yeah.” She said with the biggest smile.
“How did that happen?” I asked her.
“We were swimming and then he picked me up and set me down and we just got lost in each other’s eyes.” She said while hugging herself.
“You two make sure a cute couple.” I told her honestly.
“Yeah.” She was silent for a second. “Tell me what happened?” She asked. I assumed she was talking about Ken.
“You saw it, why do you need me to tell you what happened?” I asked her.
“Because I know what I saw but I want to know what happened from the beginning.” She said. She knew me too well, it was kinda scary.
“Well, as you saw he threw me over his shoulder and took me into the water. When he set me down we gazed into each others eyes and I don’t know what was going to happen really. Next thing I knew we were about to kiss. Then when I got out of the water he followed me. I laid down to relax and when I sat up he was right there. Literally in my face. We bumped and he grabbed my face to kiss him and I couldn’t do anything. I didn’t pull away. I don’t know why. I guess I kind of liked it.” I said nervously. “Does that make me a bad person or girl friend or what ever?” I asked.
“No, no, no.” She repeated. “That makes you human.” I sighed relieved.
For the rest of the night Debbie and I stayed down stairs watching television until we fell asleep. Today wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. It just as a little confusing and upsetting. As always as soon as I fell asleep I dreamed of Alan. ~~~~~~~~

“Have a gotten a letter yet?” I asked my Mother early that morning.
“Yes.” She said and slid it across the counter. I slowly opened it. Alan and I have been sending and receiving letters from each other for a while now and I’ve been keeping every single one of them. I read the letter to myself.

Dear Jane,

Hello dear. Its been almost a month and I’ve missed you every second. I know our letters have gotten smaller each time but that doesn’t stop showing the meaning of them. I wanted you to know that I love you more than anything and what I’m going to tell you is harder than anything. Janey, I’m enlisting another year. I’ve found a girl here. Her name is Sylvia. She is in my unit. We have grown to love each other. I love her, Jane. That doesn’t mean that I’ve stopped loving you. I just wanted you to know that I think we should see other people. Maybe one day, we will meet again. Well, I have to go, its lights out. Never forget, I love you.
Love, Alan


As I read it a tear fell from my face and landed on the letter. It smeared the word love. My Mom turned to me.
“What is it?” She asked me. I dropped to my knee’s and handed her the letter. She hugged me and tried to calm me down.
“How? Why?” I tried to form a sentence but I had no words.
“Sh.” My Mom said as she hugged me. I laid my head on her shoulder and cried my eyes out. I tried to figure out why he would do this to me if he did love me but I couldn’t find a good enough reason. After a while I stopped crying. I rolled up into a ball and laid on the cold floor staring out the screen door.
“Jane, please get up.” My Mother begged me after the eight hour I stayed on the hard wooden floor. I took a deep breath of the cold and closed my eyes. I felt like dying. How could I see someone else while my heart is in his hand?
My Mother went into another room and called someone. After minutes I saw Marcus, Johnny, Debbie, and Pete walked into my house.
“She’s been like this for 8 hours straight.” My Mom said to Debbie.
“Why?” Debbie asked. My Mom handed her the letter and Debbie covered her mouth. “Oh, sweetie.” Debbie laid on the floor with me.
“Come to your room.” Debbie said as she ran her fingers through my hair. I sniffled and then Debbie gave a head move to Johnny. Johnny picked me up and cradled me. I hid my head into his warm chest. He walked me up to my room and set me on my bed. He covered me up and then left.
“Thank you.” Debbie said while giving him a kiss.
“See you at home.” He said and hugged her. I heard him, Pete and Marcus leave in Johnny’s car. Debbie lifted up the sheets and crawled into bed with me. She snuggled up to me like I use to do when she was sad.
“Talk to me. No ones listening.” She said. I rolled over and faced her.
“He’s gone. He’s really gone.” I cried.
“He’s worthless. He doesn’t deserve you.” Debbie said trying to comfort me but at this point I thought I didn’t deserve him.
After a while Debbie fell asleep. I stayed awake. Thinking of Alan. We danced in the street. I gave him everything I had, who what? To have him leave and break every promise he’s made to me. It doesn’t seem fair. ~~~~~~~~~~

“Jane!” Debbie screamed. I woke up quickly drenched in sweat. I felt my forehead and I was burning up.
“It was a dream.” I said to my self. “It was a dream.”
“What was a dream?” Debbie asked me.
“Why did you wake me?” I asked her.
“Because you were screaming and sweating and I thought you were hurt.” She said worried.
“It was just a dream.” I repeated happily. I was so relieved. The pain I felt in the dream felt so real, it hurt so bad.
“What was a dream!” Debbie demanded to know.
“I dreamed Alan found someone else in his unit and he left me.” I told her. She fell back and relaxed.
“That all?” She asked.
“That all?” I asked. “Im so relieved right now you have no idea. I thought I was going to kill myself.” I confessed.
“What?” She asked as if she heard me wrong. “You were going to kill your self?”
“You have no idea what Alan means to me.” I told her. Before she could reply my Mom came from up stairs.
“Whats all the ruckus?” She asked.
“Nothing. Everything great!” I told her and got up. “Anyone want pancakes?”
“That sound great, honey.” My Mom said and then turned to Debbie. “Whats wrong with her?” She asked Debbie.
“I don’t know.” Debbie whispered. I couldn’t stop smiling. It was all a dream. I never want to feel like that ever again.
After I made pancakes for everyone I went upstairs and got dressed for school.
“Can I come with you?” Debbie asked.
“Yes, of course but why?” I asked her.
“No reason.” She replied and put on a dress of mine. I knew why she wanted to come. She wanted to look over me. To make sure I wouldn’t do anything stupid.
After I got dress and went down stairs and slipped on my shoes and we were on our way to the school. When I got there I got my papers ready and sat at my desk. I wrote Debbie’s name on the black board so the kids knew what to call her. When the bell ran they all ran in.
“Hello, class.” I said.
“Hello, Ms. Johnson.” They all said in unison.
“I wanted to introduce someone to you all.” I said and Debbie stood up. “This is Ms. Reed. Please treat her with respect as she helps me once in a while.” I said and they all nodded.
Just before I was about to turn around to write the assignment on the board I saw little Susie’s hand up.
“Yes.” I said. She stood up and stepped to the side of her desk.
“Where is Mr. Day?” She asked. I coughed. They were referring to Alan.
“Mr. Day wont be with us for a while.” I told them. Susie took her seat and then little John’s hand went up. I nodded at him and then he stood up.
“Excuse me but where is Mr. Day?” He asked politely.
“He is not here. He wont be for a while.” I repeated.
“Why?” I heard someone ask without permission to speak. No one in my class room has even been disrespectful like that before. They have always raised there hands and asked to stand up and speak. They all said yeah and repeatedly asked where and why he wasn’t here. I was so over whelmed.
“Mr. Day wont be here because he enlisted and left me!” I yelled to make them all quiet. I sat down in my chair and took a breather. I kept telling myself not to cry in front of them.
“Okay, turn to page ten in your books.” Debbie said and they all quickly got there books. Debbie got on one knee and looked up at me sitting in the chair.
“Breath.” She reminded me.
“I need some air.” I said and walked out side. I walked to the edge of the water. Right behind the school a big body of water covered most of the area. We had a dock and ledges so the kids can go out and fish. I stood at the end of the red Fence separating me and the water. I cried in silence. The wind blew my hair to the side. I took a deep breath and smelled the fresh out doors. I watched as my tears hit the water.
“He will come back.” I mumbled to myself. I heard foot steps behind me. I turned around to see Debbie.
“You alright?” She asked me. I was tired of lying. I was tired of being told everything will be alright when they have no control over it.
“No. Truth be told, I’m not.” I said. She walked up and leaned against the fence with me.
“About time. You know keeping things in and not telling anyone is the worst thing you can do.” She said.
“ I know but it seems so much easier than saying what I mean.” I told her. After a few seconds of silence I decided to go back and finish the school day. I entered the room and they all worked so fast I heard the writing of there pencils. I sat down at my desk and took a deep breath. I told myself to pull it together.
The day went by slow. Every time I looked at the clock it seemed as if it never moved. A few times I day dreamed. I looked at the doorway and I would see Alan leaning in it, waiting to take me home. I would smile and then looked down or at one of the students and then when I looked back into the doorway he would be gone.
Debbie did most of the teaching. I kind of just sat down and watched, drifting in and out as the day went on. I don’t know what I would have done if Debbie wasn’t there.
When the bell rang and the kids ran out of the school house I jumped. Debbie grabbed my arm and helped me up. I got into the passenger seat and she drove us home. On the ride home it was silent most of the time.
I looked out my window and looked at the flowers which bent as the wind blew.
“Thank you.” I said quietly.
“You would do the same for me.” She said while pulling into my drive way.
“No, really. It if wasn’t for you I would have froze up and I wouldn’t have known what to do.” I told her.
“I’m here for you.” She said.
We both got out of my car and headed inside. My Dad was sitting at the kitchen table, drinking his coffee and reading his paper. I was still not on speaking terms with my Father. I think it was ridiculous that he couldn’t come down stairs and see his son off.
“Mother.” I said as I entered the house. “Any mail?” I asked while grabbing two apples off the table. I threw one to Debbie as I took a bite of mine.
“Not today.” She said. I sighed and went up to Jesse’s room. Debbie followed slowly behind me.
“What are you doing?” She asked as I opened his door.
“Nothing. Just looking around.” I said. I walked in and looked at his messy bed. I looked to the left to see Alan’s blankets sprawled out on the floor. On top of his pillow was a note. Jane, it said on the front of the envelope. I opened it and sat on the floor.

Jane,

Hello Dear. I know that you may not be too happy with me at this second. I know that you wish I were there with you. I just wanted to let you know that the time I spent with you was the best days of my life. I know we haven’t known each other for long but it seems as if we’ve been together for a life time. Every kiss feels just like the first. I know I haven’t been gone long and thats why I put this letter in Jesse’s room. I knew you would walk around reminiscing about our memories. I just wanted you to know that you need to stay strong for me, like I know you can. I love you and I know you love me too and thats what will get me through this year. Be expecting a letter from me every week because I wont forget to write. I know you feel broken down and like you want to scream but you can’t make a sound. I want you to know that you’re not alone. You’re friends are around to help you and to love you. I know that right now you think its the end of the world, like you’ve lost. But just when you think you can’t hold on any longer, hold on a little bit longer, trust me you will see, you will be so much stronger. This is only temporary, doll. You will be in my arms in no time. Don’t count the days. Just wait for my letters and it will go so much faster. I know deep down inside you go what it takes. I love you.
Stay strong,
Your love, Alan


I tried to hold back the tears but I didn’t think it would work. One fell from my cheek. I quickly wiped my cheeks.
“What did it say?” Debbie asked. I handed her the letter. After reading it she smiled and handed it back to me. “He’s a keeper.”
“I miss him.” I told her.
“I know.” She said and patted my back. I stood up and walked to my room. Debbie followed behind me.
“Can I stay the night?” She asked.
“When have I ever said no.” I laughed. We both laid on my floor an listened to music.
“You know, one day we wont be young anymore. We will have gotten old and we would have a family and our own house. We probably wont even remember each other.” Debbie said as we looked at my ceiling.
“I would never forget you.” I told her. While picking up Alan’s note.
“I wouldn’t forget you either.” She said. We both smiled at each other. After a while I stood up and sat at my desk. I got out a pen and a piece of paper. I wasn’t going to move until I wrote Alan a letter.

Dear Alan,

The first note started but that was too formal.

Alan,

Hi, honey. I know its only been a few days but it feels like eternity. Sleeping alone wakes me up at night. I miss your lips. I miss you. I know we still have so much longer but I will never stop wanting you to come back. I know you left to be the man you want to be but remember you will always be that man in my eyes. You are that man and so much more. I got your letter that you left me. It brought tears to my eyes. I will stay strong because I know you are coming back. There is so much that has happened since you left. I’ve noticed that I’ve cried more than I usually do. I’ve broken down a few times but our memories and our pictures help me get through another day. Debbie is a blessing at times like this. She helps me with so much. She tries to keep me busy. We go to the beach and so much more. I’ve never been out of the house this much. I still haven’t talked to my Father since you have left and since Jesse told him about him enlisting. I still think that he was immature for not seeing you two off. I’ve been dreaming about you. Some good, some bad. I sometimes dream of you leaving me or not coming home. I then wake up drenched in sweat and with a fever. Then other times I dream about you and me and all our wonderful memories. I dream about you coming back and us spending the rest of our lives together. Oh, how I want that so much. Please come home soon. Come home safe. I want to know everything when you write to me. Love you now, love you yesterday, love you still, always will.


Your love, Jane

I folded up the letter and put it in the envelope. I wrote Alan on the front and then set it aside. I looked at Debbie who was still on the floor. She stood up.
“Did you finally write it?” She asked me.
“Yeah.” I replied. I showed her the letter. “Don’t read it.”
“Okay.” She said while setting the letter back down. I walked down stairs and Debbie followed not far behind me. We slipped on my shoes and walked out to the end of the drive way. I put the letter in the mail box and I flipped the red flag up. I sighed as I looked down the empty red dirt road.
“Would he really come back?” I asked myself.
“Don’t let it get yourself down.” Debbie said. Just as she said that Johnny came walking down the road with Kenny. Kenny looked nervous and jittery.
“Hey, doll.” Johnny said while kissing Debbie on the cheek.
“What’s he doing here?” I asked knowing I was going to get angered.
“I wanted to talk to you.” Kenny spoke for himself.
“About?” I asked.
“In private.” He pointed out. He walked over to the children’s swing in the back yard and I followed him. He sat down on one and I sat down on the other.
“I wanted to say sorry.” He said. I didn’t reply. “I like you, Jane. But I think you already know that.”
“You weren’t very suttle.” I said honestly.
“Well, Alan was gone and it seems like It was the only chance I got. I’ve been here, by your side all along, Jane. I’ve always loved you but you’ve never noticed. I wanted you to know my feelings because they have been hidden too long.” He said. I was almost speechless but just because I’m speechless doesn’t mean I don’t open my big mouth and say something.
“Ken, my heart is with Alan. No matter if he is two feet or 200,000 miles away. I love him and its always going to be that way.
“Can’t you give me a chance?” He asked.
“Alan isn’t gone. He will be back and I will be waiting for him.” I told him.
“But I was here before Alan.” Kenny pleaded.
“But you didn’t tell me or anything. That kiss was a mistake. In my eyes, it never happened. Ken, don’t ruin our friend ship over a stupid feeling.” I told him.
“Its not stupid!” He said and stood up. “Is your love for Alan stupid? Is your love for your mother stupid? Love is not stupid. My love for you is not stupid.” He said as he looked me into the eyes. “Alan isn’t here. I am.” He went in to kiss me again but I swung back. He face planted into the sand. He rolled over on his back. I bent down to help him.
“Ken, I’m sorry.” I said but he pushed me away.
“Don’t.” He said and walked away. I walked back to Debbie and Johnny. They were talking mushy mushy while I was gone.
“Well?” Debbie asked once she noticed that I was there. They turned and watched as Ken walked down the street. He was kicking up dirt and mumbling to him self as he went on down the road.
“You don’t want to know.” I told her while fixing my poodle skirt. I looked up to see her and Johnny swallowing each others face.
“Ahem!” I coughed and they both looked at me. Debbie kissed him once more and then said her good byes.
“I will see you later.” She said and headed into the house with me.
“Yeah.” Johnny said as he walked down the street trying to catch up with Ken. Debbie and I got into the front door and as soon as I closed it she began talking.
“God, he is so dreamy!” She said as she leaned against the wall.
“Who? Johnny?” I chuckled.
“Yes, Johnny! He is just so sweet and I just think that I’m...” She paused.
“You’re what!” I shouted. “Debbie Mae Brown!
“I know, I know but he’s just so sweet and gosh! I can’t believe a fella like that is crazy for a gal like me!” She said. I chuckled at her expressions.
“You’re a crazy gal alright.” I joked. She pushed me and we both sat down on the floor.
“Is this how Alan makes you feel?” She asked me.
“This and so much more.” I told her.
I couldn’t wait till I got a letter from Alan. The wait almost killed me. How am I going to go for one whole year with out him? Only surviving on what little words come from a man in a blue suit. I wish I could just hear his rough, manly voice. I wish I could just see his beautiful eyes.


Everyday I would check the mail early in the morning but nothing would come from my love. It wasn’t until two days later when I received a letter from Alan. I pretty much stopped running out side to check the mail, It seemed as if every time I did nothing would come. Today I watched as my Mom went out to meet the mail man. I struggled to hear what there conversation.
“Hello Mrs. Johnson. Jane has a letter.” He smiled and handed her a white envelope. She hugged him.
“Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!” She shouted. “Jane! Come quick!” She shouted. I ran down stairs and met her at the mail box. She handed me the letter and I stood motionless with it in my hands. I walked back to the house. My Mother not far behind me. The mail man waved as I closed the front door. I ran up to my room and sat on my bed. I laid the envelope down at the end of my bed, only a foot away from me. I didn’t touch it. I didn’t open it. I just sat and looked at it.
I waited so long for this to come. Now that it has come, I don’t know whats in it. I’ve had nightmares about this. Was it something good? Was it something bad? I had to find out. I just had to.
I slowly reached for the letter. I picked it up and brought it close to me. It was cold and dusty. I opened it and took out the letter inside. I took a deep breath as I opened it up. Dear Jane, I read aloud.

Dear Jane,

Hello, my dear. Oh, how there is so much I want to tell you. Stories I want to say. The place that I’m at is so extraordinary. Jane, I’ve met so many people but no one compares to you. I want to tell you so much but its all classified. Its a need to know basis and I think it sucks. Darling, I miss you. I miss your lips. I got your letter. I’m sorry that I’m putting you through this. I would give anything to have you in my arms again. Don’t worry, the time will fly. We will be together sooner than you think. Jesse is doing good. We are not in the same unit but I see him around. He’s a fantastic soldier. I’m happy Debbie has helped you though this. My intention were never to hurt you. I wanted you to know that I will never stop loving you. No matter what happens. I know that everyone said that we wouldn’t make it. I believe in you, baby. I know people doubted us but I never did and I know we will come out of this stronger than ever.

Love, Alan


This time I didn’t cry. This time I smiled. I know I was getting stronger and I know we, as a whole, will come out stronger than ever. I laid his letter in my draw with the first letter he had left me. For the rest of the day I stayed out side. I didn’t do much. I either stayed on the porch and swung on the wooden bench swing, staring at the letter. Rereading every word until it was mentally edged into my brain. After a couple of hours I got up and got dressed. It was about an hour before it got dark so I decided I would go and meet the guys at the beach. I went up to my room and I looked in my mirror and actually smiled at my reflection. I went down stairs and got into my car. I opened all the windows and relaxed as the wind blew my hair. I put my sun glasses on and went to the beach.
When I got there I saw Johnny and Debbie. I walked over to them with a big smile.
“Woah, who is this?” Pete asked. I put my hands in the air and spun around.
“I don’t know but she is stunning.” Marcus said.
“Thank you.” I said sweetly.
“Whats going on?” Debbie asked.
“Nothing. Just happy.” I said. “Its beautiful out.”
“Wanna go for a swim?” Johnny asked.
“But I didn’t bring my swimming suit.” Debbie said and looked at me. I’m usually the one who brings some in my car but I had forgotten today.
“I forgot.” I confessed.
“Well, we don’t need swimming suits.” Johnny hinted. Debbie crossed her arms over her chest.
“Are you crazy?” She asked him.
“I’m down.” Marcus said.
“Me too.” Pete added. Debbie looked at me and I nodded.
“Okay but you can’t look until we are ready.” Debbie laughed.
“No honey. I’m going to help you undress.” Johnny said. I looked around at the empty beach. There was no one for miles. I looked at the empty parking lot. I saw Kenny. I know Pete, Johnny, and Marcus and I know that they wouldn’t look at me naked and think of me that way but I don’t know that about Ken. It made me nervous and I wasn’t sure If I wanted to do this anymore. Pete and Marcus looked at me with that look in there eyes.
“Well?” Marcus asked. I smiled. “Alright then.” He said and dropped his pants.
“Oh my!” I said as I turned around.
“What? You can’t say you haven’t seen one before.” Pete laughed as he took off his boxers.
“Woah! Woah! What’s going on here?” Kenny asked. Debbie and I laughed.
“What?” Johnny asked Ken.
“What? Really? Why are you naked?” He asked us.
“Skinny dipping.” I stated.
“Oh.” He said.
“Wanna join?” I asked. I didn’t want Kenny to but I want us to go back to normal and if he can do this then I know we can go back to normal.
“Hell yeah.” He said. Kenny dropped his pants and I couldn’t help but look.
“Your turn.” Debbie said to Johnny. He shook his head and then did a strip tease. He slowly took off his shirt and swung it around then he took off his shorts.
“Take it off, Baby!” Debbie screamed. I looked at the four naked guys who were standing in front of me and Debbie. All were fit and so hot but one was bigger than the others. Of course that had to be Kenny.
“We are waiting.” They all said. Debbie and I turned to each other. We smiled. We both took off your shirts and let everything loose. We then slid off our shorts and just as our shorts and panties were taken off there jaws had dropped.
“Be careful.” I warned them. “You’re drooling.” Debbie and I laughed and walked into the cold water.
“Wow!” Debbie said as the water reached our waist. The guys ran in fast behind us kicking up the cold water. Johnny came up behind Debbie and hugged her. He kissed her neck. I swam farther out. The sky was getting dark and the water grew colder. We all stayed as good length apart. Well everyone except Debbie and Johnny. After a while they snuck out of the water, leaving Marcus, Pete, Kenny and I. It didn’t take long for Ken to find his way to me. I was floating on my back when he leaned over me.
“Ah!” I screamed.
“Sorry.” He apologized.
“Don’t sneak up on me like that.” I told him. He got closer to me. “Kenny.”
“Sh.” He said and touched my lips. He gently kissed my neck as I lifted my head. He kissed my lips and then my neck again. He kissed my chest and back up to my lips. He wrapped his big arms around me and held me tight. It reminded me of Alan and how he use to hold me. I looked up at Ken’s face but it wasn’t Kenny anymore. It was Alan. I saw Alan, I felt Alan. I placed my hands on his biceps as he flexed. I kissed his lips as he lifted me. My legs wrapped around his hard body.
“Woah.” I heard Marcus say.
“Don’t swallow each other now.” Pete added.
I couldn’t control myself. I knew it was Ken. I knew it was him but for some reason I wanted it to be Alan so bad. I imagined his face.
I left my legs wrapped around his body as he took me out of the water. He laid me on the sand. Our naked bodies were already exposed. This was a bad idea but I couldn’t stop. We kissed and I was over whelmed with goose bumps as his tongue touched mine. His cross neckless sat on my chest as he leaned over me. Pete and Marcus were still in the water, not paying any attention to Ken and I. I was so dark that they couldn’t see us anyways. I had to stop. I can’t do this to Alan.
“Ken.” I said through our breaths.
“Sh.” He said and gently kissed my lips.

There we both laid. In the sand. In the middle of the night. On a beach. I felt awful. I felt worse than awful. I felt terrible. I hated myself. I betrayed Alan and I liked every second of it. No, I didn’t like it. I loved it and there was a little part of me that loved Ken.
Ken leaned over me with a smile. I sat up uncomfortable.
“That’s everything that I’ve ever waited for.” He said.
“Ken, this can’t happen.” I told him. “Never again.”
“But, Jane.” He argued.
“No, Ken. I love Alan and you caught me in a moment of weakness. My love belongs to Alan. It always has and it always will.” I said honestly.
“Jane, I love you. Don’t tell me you didn’t feel anything.” He said.
“Ken.” I shook my head. He rubbed his hair.
“Jane, Jane, Jane. Think about it. If you didn’t feel something for me then you wouldn’t have let this happen.” He said.
“No, Ken. Do you know who I first saw when you kissed me?” I asked him. “I saw Alan. I saw him when we kissed. What does that tell you?”
I stood up and walked away and that was really weird seeing how I still had no clothes on. I picked up my clothes and slid them on as I got closer to my and Debbie’s car. I was about to knock on the window when I saw them all steamy. I shivered at the sight and got into my car. Debbie must have heard me because she opened the door to her car. I covered my eyes horrified that I would see something that I didn’t want to.
She stood up with her hands over her chest and a towel around her waist. I peek through one eye to make eye contact.
“I’m going home.” I said while checking my clock. It said twelve twelve. My Mother was going to kick my ass.
“Why?” Debbie asked. “What happened?” I gave her a look that only me and her know. It was the look we give each other when we are lying or when we don’t want to use words. “Oh, Jane.”
“I know, I know. I’m stupid and ah! I hate myself.” I said while hitting my head against the steering wheel. She rubbed my back. I wondered that if she was rubbing my back then what was covering herself. Since I was wondering that and had a good idea of the answer I didn’t lift my head up.
“No, you’re not stupid. He took advantage of you.” She said.
“No, he didn’t. I let it happen just as much as he did.” I confessed.
“Jane.” Debbie sighed.
“How am I going to tell Alan?” I asked her, hoping for some advice.
“If it was me,” She paused for a second. “I wouldn’t tell him.”
“What?” I said while lifting my head, forgetting about her clothing situation.
“I wouldn’t tell him. Its done and over with and there is nothing you can do. It will just cause problems for both you and him.” She said as I set my head back down.
“But I’ve never lied to him.” I told her.
“Well, have you told him about the kiss?” She asked and I wanted to give her that look again but I was scared to lift up my head.
“No.” I confessed.
“Then whats the problem from keeping one more thing from him?” She asked. I shrugged my shoulders.
“Babe? You coming back?” Johnny called from the car.
“Yeah, be right back.” She replied.
“Listen, I got to go but I’m going to stop at your place tomorrow and we can talk more about this.” She said and then got back into her car. I lifted my head from the steering wheel and looked out unto the great blue ocean. I sat Marcus and Pete come up to my car.
“So.” Pete said while leaning against my car. Luckily they both were dressed.
“You know, once the ladies leave the beach, its really gay to be naked in the water with no one but another guy.” Marcus said. Pete and him looked awkwardly at me.
“We heard you.” Pete said with a shove.
“You did not!” I said. I can’t believe that they heard me! Why were they listening? “Yeah, we did.” Marcus said.
“So, Kenny? Really?” Pete asked.
“Oh my Goodness! I’m so embarrassed!” I confessed and hit my head against the steering wheel again.
“Oh, don’t worry. You sounded hot.” Marcus said.
“Thats even worse!” I cried.
“What about Alan?” Pete asked.
“I don’t know. I want to tell him but Debbie says not to.” I said.
“Well, I agree with Deb.” Marcus said. Pete nodded in agreement with him.

When I got home I tried to stay as quiet as possible. Although, I am eighteen my Mother still controls me. I have a curfew and I have rules and chores. I hated my curfew because I’m a good girl. I did good when I was in school and i never did anything wrong and I can’t even have a good time out without checking a clock every ten minutes.
“Jane, is that you?” My Mother asked as she turned the outside light on. I cursed under my breath.
“Yes, Mother. Its me.” I answered.
“Why are you so late?” She asked getting straight to the point.
“I lost track of time.” I lied. Did she really think I was going to say, ‘Oh, I’m sorry. I was late because I was doing the dirty with Ken.’ . No, I wasn’t going to say that.
“Its almost one o’clock in the morning.” She pointed out. “How can you lose track of time that much?”
“I don’t know. Debbie and I were at the beach.” I told her. That part was true. Debbie was there and we were at the beach.
“You and Debbie? Just you two? No boys?” She asked. I couldn’t lie about that.
“There were boys there.” I confessed.
“Ha! See you didn’t lose track of time!” She shouted. “Sweetie, why can’t you come to me?”
“Mom! Its not a easy subject I go by! and it wasn’t meant to happen.” I told her quietly.
“Wait.” She said. “Alan’s not here.” I nodded my head. All I can think is that she is calling me a harlot. “Jane!”
“I’m sorry! Its not my fault! I don’t want to talk about this with you!” I screamed and then ran up stairs. I laid on my bed and cried. I didn’t want it to happen. All I want is Alan. I picked up his picture and laid it on Alan’s side of my bed.
“Why did you have to leave?” I said to him. “Why couldn’t you have stayed? For me. I need you here.”
I was too young to know love. Why would someone give me love to take it away? I hated lying to Alan. I cant do it. If we have one thing, that is trust. I got up and sat at my desk. I stared at the picture of us for what seemed like hours. I picked up my pen. I looked down at the manila colored paper. Wondering what I’m going to write. How I’m going to explain it.

Dear Alan,

I don’t know what to say to you. I guess I can say I’m sorry. A little part inside me hates you for leaving. There’s another part in me that can never hate you. I have a thousand million things going on in my head all at once and its hard to focus on one thing. I know you will come back but its such a long time. I love you, Alan. I love you more than anything. I don’t know how to live with out you. I see you in everyone. I dream about you every night and some times I never want to wake up, just so I can spend more time with you. I don’t get why you would leave me to enlist. I know that you want to be molded into the man you want to be but don’t you know that you were always that man in my eyes? What I’m going to tell you is so hard for me. I hate myself for it. You don’t deserve to be burdened with it. I know we have never lied to each other and that is why I’m telling you. Not to hurt you or to make you wish you didn’t leave. Alan, I slept with Kenny. It had just happened and it wasn’t planned and every second of it I saw you. I know, I know. I’m a terrible girl. He caught me in a time of weakness. I’m sorry, Alan. Please, please, don’t hate me. I love you too much. I will be with you until my last breath. You are the air I breath and with out you, I’m nothing. There are moments where there is nothing I want to do more than to cry but there is moments I want only to smile. I don’t know what I’m thinking anymore. This has turned my world upside down. I miss you. I miss you and Jesse. I want nothing more than to be with you again. I feel like I’m holding on and that I’m six feet from the edge. I feel like I’m falling and I don’t want to feel like that anymore, Alan. You’re the only one for me. We have a once in a life time love and I promise, never to forget that. My life with you means everything. I know our letters are going to get smaller and smaller but I can’t tell you enough. I was wrong to betray you but you already know this. All that matters to me is love ever after and I was stupid and reckless. I promise you, it will never happen again. I have no life without you. I know I’m just saying the same things over and over but I need you to know that I mean them. I hated telling you this, this way but I had no other choice. I had to tell you. I couldn’t lie or keep anything from you. The children say they miss you. They really do. They always talk about you and ask where you are. Come back soon, come back safe. I wish I could just see your face. I wish I could touch you, feel your warmth. I wish I could kiss you. I wish I could be with you.
Love you now, Loved you yesterday, love you still, always have, always will.
Your Jane


As I set the pen down I looked at the two pieces of paper that were filled with my cursive. I folded up the paper and slid it into the envelope. I hated to send this to him. To where he is but I have to tell him. I feel like he’s already gone. Like he’s not coming back. He has to come back. What will I do without him? No. Don’t think like that. He’s coming back.
I placed two pillows on his side of the bed. I covered them with the sheets and I snuggled up to them, imagining that it was Alan.
I know what people say. You’re only eighteen, how do you know what love is? Its not something that you know, its a feeling. A surge of butterflies you get every time you’re with that person. Love isn’t a switch that you can turn on and off. I love Alan and no matter how many people think we wont make it, I will be the one to prove them wrong. There are some who think we are truly in love. Some who say they’ve met a couple more in love and those are the ones who I love. The ones who know me.
The next morning I walked outside and put the envelope in the mail box. I watched as the mail man came up and took it.
“Hello, Ms. Johnson! How are we today?” He asked. He smiled and took off his hat. We new Parker since I was a baby. He’s always been our mail man. Sort of a friend of the family.
“Just fine, Parker and yourself?” I asked him.
“Mighty fine.” He said and then got back into his truck. I waved as he disappeared over the hill and off to the next house. I turned around and walked back to the house.
“Jane.” My Mother said as I picked up an apple from the kitchen table.
“Mother.” I replied. We were silent for a while. Just the sound of the crunching of the apple as I took a bite.
“Alan’s a nice boy.” She pointed out.
“I know this.” I said.
“Then,” She began. I knew where she was going. Why couldn’t she just leave it alone?
“Stop.” I told her. “Don’t you see this is tearing me apart?”
“Jane, I’m just,” She began again.
“No, Mom. You’re just not anything! This doesn’t have anything to do with you. I love Alan and it kills me that I did this to him.” I paused for a second. I didn’t like raising my voice to my Mother but sometimes I had to. “I already told him.”
“You did what?” She asked.
“I told him.” I repeated.
“Why did you do that?” She asked. Wait, what? I thought she was just mad that I didn’t tell him and that I betrayed him. I gave her a confused look. “Honey, all you did by telling him is getting him upset. He didn’t have to know.” She said while washing dishes.
“What? I can’t lie to him.” I said. She looked at me and stopped.
“Its not lying if you don’t bring it up.” She said.
“Why does everyone say that? That is lying. Its not being truthful and I have a fantastic relationship with Alan and I don’t want a stupid fling to mess it up.” I told her. She walked up and hugged me.
“Its already messed up.” She said with a chuckle.
“Mom!” I shouted.
“What? Its true. He’s not going to be happy and as soon as he gets back he’s most likely going to kill Ken. Honey, I’ve never seen any couple love each other as much as you two do.” She said honestly.
“Thanks Mom.” I said and went up to my room.

The days felt like months as I waited to see what my love has said about my betrayal. I didn’t check the mail anymore. I found it made the time go even longer. Each morning I would go to the school house. I wouldn’t get back till around four. At that time I would take a shower and read. I did the same routine almost everyday. Even if my letter did come I wouldn’t get it unless my Mother would come to the school house.
The letters usually come around the same day each week and they choose a friday. Today was friday. I got up like usual. I took my time, seeing if the mail man was coming early but he didn’t show. I got into my car and drove to work. Not more than two hours after class started my Mom was running up to me. She was holding a letter in her hand. I stood up and met her.
“It came!” She shouted from outside. I took the letter from her and looked at him. I looked at her.
“Open it.” She said. I sat down at my desk. I took a breath. I opened it slowly. So many things were crossing my mind. Was this the nightmare that I keep reliving? I asked myself but I wouldn’t know until I read it.


Dear Jane,

That was a lot for me to take in. I can’t believe that you would do that but some how I can’t blame you. I left you without much notice. I put our love on the line. I know this is hard on you but that was heart breaking. I know that must be tearing you apart. I know that you miss me but you have to come through strong on the other side.
I’m not there to help you. For you to do that to me hurts but I know you didn’t mean to hurt me. I forgive you. Nothing will stop me from loving you. Its been hard without you near. All the things I’m doing here is so over whelming. I miss your lips. I miss you. I want to see you too. I don’t blame you for hating me. I know that you have always seen me as the man I want to be. You always saw the best in me but I want to see it. Its great that you see me that way and thats all that matters but I need to see it to. I promise, I will come home safe. My love for you is too strong to leave you. Jesse says he loves and misses you. He says he will write you a letter. These letters are what get me through each day. Just hearing the words I love you make me that much stronger. As long as you’re mine, I can do anything. I love you, my dear. I would hate me too but I could never hate you. I know that you feel like you’re on the edge but hold on a little bit longer because I will be with you soon enough. Just wait. I know a year is a long time but I know you can get through it. I just know it. You are a strong, beautiful, woman who can do anything you set your mind to. Remember that I’m always there. Maybe not in person but I’m always watching. I miss you more than anything. Do what you have to do to keep waiting for me. Tell the kids I love them and miss them! For me reading that you had... cheated on me was hard but it must have been twice as hard writing it on paper. Remember that I don’t blame you. I don’t want something like that to ever happen again. Inside this envelope you will find a ring. Be my wife? I love you too much to let you go and to let something like this happen again. I love you too much to hurt you anymore. No matter what happens I will always be waiting for you on the other side. My heart is in your hand. Love you Forever more.

Alan


I smiled as I set the letter down. I picked up the envelope and opened it. Sure enough there was a simple silver band with a gold heart. I smiled as I slid it on my finger. All the kids looked up at me to see what he had said. I smiled as tears filled my eyes.
“Well, what does you say?” My Mother asked.
“He says he loves me.” I mumbled.
“And?” My Mother asked.
“And that he wants me to be his wife.” I answered as a tear fell on the letter.
“Are you going to?” My Mom asked.
“Of course. I love him too much to say no but I’m afraid that he is only doing this because of Ken. I think he’s afraid that if he doesn’t then he might lose me.” I told her as I looked up. “He says that he loves me more than anything and that he knows I’m strong and as long as my letters keep coming, he will get through it.” My Mom hugged me. I looked at the children and wiped my eyes.
“Well?” One of them asked the rest of the class laughed.
“He says he loves and misses you.” I told them with a chuckle. They all got quiet.
“When is he coming back?” Another one asked.
“I don’t know.” I answered. Thats the part I hated the most. Not knowing. Not know if that was our last kiss. Not know if we will grow old and have children and grandchildren. I hated not knowing.


I couldn’t but keep looking at the ring. It was so beautiful, so precious. Alan really did love me. As soon as I got home I called Debbie. She picked up and we met at Debbie’s Diner. It was a little Diner a mile down the road from my house. Debbie didn’t own it but we liked the people who worked there and we like the food so we keep going there.
As soon as I got there I got out of my car and went inside. I found Debbie and mines regular seat. I waited for her. As soon as she got there I showed her my ring.
“Aw!” She shouted.
“I know. I just wish he was here.” I said while looking at it.
“Hang in there.” She said.

After Debbie and I went back to my house. I kinda was a little scared from seeing her like that. I don’t know what I was thinking. The guys and us have never done anything like that. I don’t know why we agreed.
“How’s Johnny?” I asked while putting my keys on my desk.
“He’s good. Really good.” She smiled.
“So he’s REALLY good.” I laughed.
“Yeah, he is.” She laughed.
“That was a crazy night.” I pointed out.
“Yeah, so how did Alan take it?” She asked.
“That’s how I got the ring. He didn’t want it to happen again. He wasn’t mad, at least he didn’t seem like it.” I answered. “What I hate the most is that I liked it. I wanted it to happen. I know I tried to stop it but I didn’t try hard enough.”
“Kenny is a pushy jerk. Don’t blame yourself. You’d have to be an idiot not to enjoy it. because I saw his...” She stopped.
“Yeah.” I said in a daze. I missed Alan so much. I missed his lips. I missed us sleeping together. My bed seems so empty without him. I’m tired of missing him. We have a one in a life time love and I can’t stand not being with him. I shouldn’t have to miss him. He should be here.
“Jane?” She asked snapping me out of my daze.
“Oh, yeah.” I said and laughed.
“So, can I spend the night? Its my parents anniversary and I don’t wanna be in the same house as that.” She chuckled while shaking at the thought.
“Of course. I can’t let you go through that.” I told her. I heard a knock at my door. My Mother came in with something in her hand.
“Jane, this came for you.” She said and handed me an envelope. I don’t know what it was but it was addressed to me. Alan’s letters didn’t come on this day and his only came after I wrote mine.
“What is it?” I asked while taking it.
“I don’t know. I was hoping you could tell me.” She said. I slowly ripped the seal and took out a piece of paper. I read it to myself.


Janey,


Hello, my dear sister. I’m sorry I haven’t written. I’m doing great and I hope the same for you. I’ve missed everyone so much. You, Mom, my friends, Debbie and even Dad. I have been so over whelmed. I wanted to write to tell you that I miss you and wish I could see you. I want to dance with you again. I want you to tell me what has happened, like you use to. Jane, you’re my sister, my best friend and I love you. I just wanted to talk to you. I can’t wait to receive a letter from you. Tell Mother I love her. Tell Father I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt him the way I did. Always thinking of you.

Love,
Your Big Bro


I smiled as I put the letter back into its envelope. Mom and Debbie stared at me impatiently.
“Well?” My Mother spoke first.
“What did it say, who was it from?” Debbie spoke.
“It was from Jesse. He says he loves you and he misses me.” I said to them.
“How is he doing?” My Mom asked.
“He says he’s doing good and he misses everyone.” I told her.
“Thats great.” She smiled. I nodded in agreement and put the letter where I put the others from Alan.

Later that night I sit down at my desk as Debbie sleeps in her bed. I picked up my pen and paper and began to write my letter to Alan.


My dear,

I’ve gotten your letter. I was so surprised when I found the ring. You don’t have to do this. You don’t have to purpose to keep me. That was a one time mistake and I promise it wont happen again. We don’t have to rush this. My love for you will always be there. The children miss you. Everyone does. I love you. If your purposal is true then all I can say is I do, I do, I do. I love you forever more.

Love,
your baby girl


After I wrote the note to Alan, I wrote to Jesse. I was tired and did have the will to write a whole front and back letter to Alan like I usually do. He will understand.


Jesse,

I’m so happy to have finally gotten a letter from you! So much has happened! Alan asked me to marry him! I still haven’t talked to Dad but I told Mom to tell him you said you are sorry. I’m sorry but I will not talk to him after how he treated you. Debbie has been helping me. You wouldn’t believe it but Debbie and our friend Johnny has really hit it off. (In all ways) . I’ve been more dangerous lately. I’ve been getting out more. Music isn’t the same without listening and dancing to it with you. The kids say hi. They say they miss your story time with them on fridays. They miss Alan too. How is he really? We are all okay here. We miss you to death! We love you so much! Come home soon. Come home safe. I love you!

Love,
your little sis:)


I wrote but just after I drew the smiley face, I had fallen asleep. Before I knew it was late the next morning. I looked out the window as I saw the mailman pull up. I quickly grabbed the letters and raced out the door to catch him.
“Wait!” I yelled as he got into his truck. He wait and then I handed him the letters.
“You’re lucky you caught me.” He said. I smiled and nodded and watched as he pulled away.


<<<>><<<>>><<<>>><<<>>><<<>>><<<>>><<<>>>


So, its been almost a half a year since Alan and Jesse have been gone. I miss them terribly. Something has happened that I don’t know what to do. I’ve forgotten. I’ve forgotten Alan’s smell. I’ve forgotten how is lips taste. I’ve forgotten how they feel. If it wasn’t for the pictures I think I would have forgotten how he looked. I don’t know how this could be happening. I try to hold onto it but it has disappeared. I don’t know how to get it back. I looked at the ring on my finger and hold onto the feeling I get. The feeling of butterflies, warmth, and safety. It makes me feel like home. I hold onto that feeling because it cannot leave. Alan and I always say most of the same things. That we love each other and we miss each other. Once in a while he will go into more detail. I hated waiting for the letters each week. A week seemed so long. It seems even longer if you’re waiting for something. No matter how many times we write each other, we never run out of things to say. We always have something. Wether its the weather or the little things he can tell me. Sometimes he described to me where he is and he tells me whats outside. I love trying to paint a picture.
As I waited impatiently for Alan’s letter to come. I looked down the long, empty dirt road. I got a weird feeling as the wind blew. Where was he? As I looked down at the perfectly white snow as I heard his engine. I walked to the end of my drive way as he approached my house.
“You only have one this time.” He said as he handed me one letter.
“Are you sure?” I asked. He nodded and then pulled off. I looked at the letter in my hands. It was addressed to me as usual but it was Jesse’s hand writing. I opened it and read it. It was just a normal letter from him, continuing our last conversation. Where was Alan’s? His always comes the same time. As weird as I thought it was I ignored it until the next week, still nothing came. I went inside and wrote to him.


Alan,

Whats wrong? Why haven’t I received your letters yet? Did I do something wrong? Whats happening there? Alan, I love you. You have to talk to me. I’m guessing that you have just misplaced your letter. I love you. Still thinking of you. Its cold outside now. The snow slowly comes. The wind blows the flowers that are sticking up through the snow and it looks so beautiful. The sky stays orange more. As the snow collects on the ground I love how white everything looks. I can’t wait till I can see you. Every time I say I love you its like the first I love you You and I have ever said so I love you! Love you now, loved you yesterday, love you today, always have, always will.

Love,
Jane


As I nervously licked the seal and handed it to the mail man I looked up into the clear blue sky. I watched as snow flakes fell on my nose. I smiled as a gust of wind blew my hair. I tucked my hands into my jacket and went back inside.


Another week went by and nothing. Before I knew it it was a month before I have received a letter from him. I’ve asked Jesse but he can’t tell me anything.
“Mom, I’m really worried.” I confessed at the dinner table.
“I’m sure his letters are just getting lost.” She said trying to make me feel better but it didn’t work.
“What if they are not lost? What if he’s not coming back?” I asked her with tears in my eyes. She stood up and walked to me. She hugged me.
“Don’t think like that.” She said and touched my brown hair. I cried into her shoulder as she held me close.

I didn’t eat dinner. I went straight to my room. No one knew what I was going through. They didn’t love him as much as I did. His parents didn’t care either. As soon as he reached 18 he moved out. His Father hardly even talked to him. His Mother was a doll but if she really cared she would try to see him more often. He stayed with his friends when he wasn’t with me. His mailing address was my house. He did everything at my house. No one understood. We were in love. We are in love.
Each day I wait for a letter for nothing to come. I didn’t understand why nothing came. I knew he wasn’t gone. He couldn’t be.
I sent him more letters, as if we never stopped talking. I don’t know what was going on but it must be a mistake. He wouldn’t hurt me like this.


Alan,

Its been weeks since I’ve received anything. I hope you are doing good. I miss you so much. I miss your strong arms around me, holding me so tight. I wear my ring proudly. I can’t wait till you get back so we can finally be married. So many things have happened. Your repair shop is going so good. Its really taking off. I help out every now and then but your fathers doing a great job. The children still miss you. They ask about you every day.
You know how they say when one door closes another door opens? Well, thats how I feel. I think by you leaving and enlisting I think we are going to be so much stronger because if we can make it through this than we will come out shining on the other side. Hold on, baby. There’s only a little time left till we can be together again. I look at your picture every day and it reminds me why I love you so much.

Love you now, Loved you yesterday, love you still, always have, always will.
Your Jane


As I sealed the envelope with a kiss I handed it to the mail man. It seems I talk to him more than Alan. As another week passes without any word from Alan I grew sad. As the mail man came and no letters for me I lost my breath. I felt use up and broken down. I felt like shattered glass. I wanted to scream but I couldn’t make a sound. Here is another day and I’d rather give it up than give it one more try. No one understands how I feel inside. It feels like the end of the world. As another week goes by reality settles in. He’s not coming back.
I sat on my floor. In the middle of the night. In the dark. Reading each letter he has sent me. I read it so many times I memorized each and every one of them. I took off my ring and looked at it. I threw it against my light blue wall. It rang as it hit the floor and circled around.
How could he? How could he leave me? Never write back? This isn’t like him. I have to know what happened. Could my nightmares really become my reality? That night I had another nightmare. They were coming more and more as it seems. ~~~~~

I was running. I kept looking back but no one was there. I was tired and out of breath but I kept going. The air was thick and smokey. Fog was all around. The sky was red and black all over. I looked down at myself. I was wearing a wedding dress. Where was I? I looked in front of me to see Alan. He was standing still, far away. I thought if I ran fast enough I would catch up to him but it didn’t work like that. I tried running to catch up to him but it seemed that no matter how fast or far I ran, I never got any closer. I tried so hard. I ran so fast that I fell face forward. I tumbled over my feet and sat in the muddy dirt. I looked down at what was my white dress and found it covered in mud. I looked at Alan who was still standing still but it seemed as if he was still moving far away. I tried to stand up but something was wrong with my legs. They hurt and were all red with blood. I was so confused. I felt the pain. I want to wake up now.
“Alan!” I cried but he kept going far away.
“Come catch me, Jane.” He said. I stood up and fought past the pain. I ran the fastest I’ve ever ran before. He stopped moving. I finally caught up to him but when I did I tried to touch him but my fingers cut through him, like fog. I moved my hands where his face should me and his picture smeared. The wind blew and took him away. I circled around trying to see what was happening.
“What is this? What do you want? Alan!” I cried. I didn’t know what was happening. I sat down in the dirt in pain. I have given up. He had vanished. Gone. I closed my eyes and wished I would wake up. ~~~~~


When I woke up I was in my bed. I was all sweaty and my blankets had been kicked onto the floor. My legs were tingly. They still hurt. I rubbed them as I sat up. I got up and walked into my bathroom. I ran cold water in the sink. I took a hand full and splashed my face. I looked up at the mirror and saw my reflexion. My hair was wet and my make-up smeared.
I turned on the shower. I made sure it was freezing cold. I dropped my clothes and walked into the shower. I took a deep breath as the cold water hit my body. I let the water run over my head and fall from my body.
After most likely a hour or so I turned off the water and grabbed a towel. I dried myself off and then put on Alan’s big baggy shirt he left in my dresser. I laid in my bed and looked out my window. The snow was coming down really hard. This would have been our first winter. I shivered and grabbed my blanket.

I woke up the next morning with a cold. I sneezed as I went down stairs. As usual my Father was reading his paper and drinking his coffee at the table. My Mom was making eggs.
“Bless you.” My Father said as he looked over his paper.
“Want some tea?” My Mother asked. She has the best tea. It always helps colds. She puts honey in it and it helps my breathing and lungs.
“Yes, please.” I said stuffy as I sat down at the table.
“Any word from the boy yet?” My Father asked. I didn’t answer him.
“Jane, answer him.” My Mother warned me.
“No.” I mumbled.
“I knew he was nothing but trouble.” He said.
“No, Dad! He was not trouble! He was handsome and nice and he really cared about me! He made me happy, Daddy. Didn’t you want that?” I asked him. The first sentence i’ve said to him since Alan left and I was disrespecting him. I knew I was going to get hit. He stood and and stood over me. I closed my eyes.
“Yes, I wanted that.” He mumbled. I opened my eyes and he hugged me. “I love you, Jane.” I removed my arms from my sides and hugged him back.
“I love you.” I said back.
“We will find him.” He promised.
“Really?” I asked.
“Really?” My Mother asked.
“Yes.” My Dad answered. “Get dressed.” He said and I went upstairs. I put on my jeans and my jacket. I put my hair down and put my lip stick on. I slipped on my shoes and we were out the door. I got into his truck. He started it up and went in reverse out of the drive way.
“Where are we going?” I asked.
“To a friends.” He said. I accepted that thats all he was going to tell me so I dropped it. When he stopped the truck we were at the sheriffs. My Dad knew everyone in our town. He got out and I followed behind him.
“Howdy! How we doing today?” The sheriff asked.
“Pretty good and yourself?” My father asked,
“Great! What can I help you with?” He replied.
“My daughter here is married to a boy who enlisted. His letters have stopped. Its not like him. Is there anything you can do to see if he is..” My Father didn’t finish his sentence.
“I’m sorry Mr. Johnson but I can’t help you with that. You wont know until they come to your door.” He said.
“Well, thanks anyways.” My Dad sighed while shaking his hand. We walked out and got into his truck.
“What now?” I asked.
“Nothing. He is the only one who would have any chance of helping us and if he can’t than no one can.” He answered. I nodded and looked out the window.
“What did he mean when he said when they come to your door?” I asked.
“When a soldier dies that people who work for the army comes and tell you. They tell you how he died and they give you there belongings and a letter that they have written in case they have died.” He explained. I sniffled and then got out of the truck. “Where are you going?” He yelled.
“I’m walking home.” i said and started walking. He drove home. I needed some time to think.

There was weeks of sleepless nights and long days. I didn’t eat. I couldn’t eat. I waited for his letter. I kept writing to him as if we never stopped but I still got no reply. Today day Debbie came and tried to take me to a movie. I got dressed and went down stairs. I put on my light jacket. As I grabbed my keys the door bell rang. I opened it and it was two men. They were wearing those army hats. They took there hats off.
“Ms. Johnson?” One asked. I nodded. My Mother and Debbie came up behind me. They stood at my sides.
“May we come in, Ma’am?” The other asked. I nodded and we took a seat on our couch. They sat across from us. I held my breath as they sighed.
“Ma’am, we are sorry to inform you that Lutenit Alan Heusen has died in battle.” Michelle held her mouth and gasped. My Mother covered her face with her hands. I sat there staring at the men. The words rang in my ears, ‘has died in battle. have died in battle.’ I zone out as there lips kept moving. Everything went quiet. I couldn’t talk or blink or anything. A didn’t even cry. Its like I froze. I heard him continue speaking but I could only hear it faintly. “There was a bombing and so many had died. We didn’t find a body but he is presumed dead because of his absence.” My Mother wrapped her arms around me.
“But there’s a chance he can still be alive? Right?” Michelle asked.
“Thats not likely.” The other said. I blanked out again. Everything went black. Then I saw something. It was a field full of flowers. Alan and I laid in the middle of it. My head was on his chest and I was drawing circles on it.
“Can we stay here forever?” I asked him desperately. He pushed my bangs out of my face.
“I love you.” He whispered. I tear escaped from my eye and landed on his bare chest. It shattered like glass as I watched. “Don’t cry.” He said while wiping my tears. “I will always be here to wipe your tears. I will always have a shoulder for you to cry on. I will always be here to kiss your worries away. I will always love you.”
“Love you now, Loved you yesterday, love you still, always have, always will.” I said. Just as I did I blacked out again. I was back on the couch.
“Ma’am, are you okay?” The first one asked me.
“You have just told me that my husband is dead, and you’re asking me if I am okay?” I asked him while trying to stay strong.
“I’m, I’m sorry Ma’am.” The younger one mumbled. I held up my hand to have him stop talking.
“Thank you.” I said and and went up to my room. Michelle followed behind me while my Mother let the men out.
“I’m so sorry.” Michelle said as she hugged me. I was still speechless.
“What am I going to do?” I asked while looking at my ring.
“I don’t know sweet heart.” She said. My Mother appeared in my door way. She slid over a little trunk.
“This is his belongings.” She said. I slid onto the floor and put it in front of me. I slowly opened it up.
Inside were pictures and pins and metals. I took out all the pictures. They were of him. He was in uniform with a flag back ground. He looked so handsome. The metals and pins were for honor and his rank. I smiled as I held them in my hands. I dug around a little more. I found his uniform. I also found letters. Most were from me. One was addressed to me. Bu there was only one that wasn’t opened. I ripped open the seal and took out the letter.


Dear my beautiful, strong, amazing wife, Jane

If you are reading this letter this means I’m not coming back. I hoped that you would never have to read this. I had hope I would be able to throw it away after I returned and had you in my arms. Well, that was what I hoped. Jane, I don’t know how I died but I want you to remember that you’re not alone. You have friends and family. Don’t shut them out. They can help you. I wanted to tell you that you mean more than the world to me. You are the most beautiful girl I have ever met. You have made these last months that I’ve spent with you the best times of my life. That I truly mean. You have no Idea how amazing a person you are. Don’t ever let anyone make you think other wise. Jane, you are perfect the way you are. Never change for anyone. I want you to tell my Parents. They need to hear it from someone who really loved me. Not some stupid guys in uniform. I’m sorry that they had to tell you first. Jane, I want you to be happy. I want you to look for love. You love so passionately and someone else deserves to have that love. Don’t stop for me. You will see me again. I love you so much. Don’t let this bump in the road stop you from being you. Live like no tomorrow and live for both of us. I will always be watching. Always. I will always be listening. If you ever feel like you’re going to break down then talk to me. I will listen. I love you. I have to go.
Love you now, Loved you yesterday, love you still, always have, always will.

Love,
your husband Alan


I closed the letter and laid my head on Michelle’s shoulder. She put her hand on my back. My Mother took the letter and read it. She sighed at it. I didn’t say anything. None of us did. I crawled in bed and Michelle laid next to me. She covered me up and held me. I knew I wasn’t alone.
The next few days were the hardest. I couldn’t sleep. I didn’t go anywhere. I stayed in my bed and looked out the window. This was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. How can God give me someone to love and then take him away? Why would he do such a thing? My heart hurt so much. I love Alan. I can’t live without Alan.
Kenny comes over a lot. He makes me food and brings me things. Little things that make me smile. He sits in my room a lot. He just keeps me company so I’m not alone. When Kenny’s around I don’t feel so lonely. I feel like I will be okay. He doesn’t make me think of Alan. He fills the void.
Today he brought me a movie and some pop corn. He laid on my bed with me as we watched it. I laid on his chest. His heart had the same pattern as Alan’s did. I loved counting his heart beats. That way I knew his heart was still beating for me.
~~~~~

Its now been month since I found out about Alan. I know people say as the time go on, it will get easier but thats not true. It seems like every day it gets more and more impossible. Debbie tries so hard to get me out of the house more. The kids really help. They try to make me feel good and they make it so easy to teach them. They listen so much more.
It still doesn’t seem real. I always question it. I think that maybe this could be just a joke? He’s going to come walking right through that door. He’s going to come in and kiss me. He’s going to come in. So I wait. And wait. But no one comes. No one comes in and no one kisses me. No one.

“Wanna take a walk?” Ken asked me as he walked through my room door.
“Yeah, sure I guess.” I said. I got my shoes and I grabbed Alan’s jacket and we walked down the road. He grabbed my hand. I smiled as he held it in his. I didn’t mind having Ken be with me. I didn’t mind that he wants to be close. I need to be close with someone too. I’m happy its him. Happy that its some one who actually loves me is with me. Someone who wants my time.
As we got further down the road we saw the fair. It looked so much fun. I haven’t had actual fun in so long. We walked faster as we got closer. The smell of cotton candy and fried dough filled the air. The lights from the ferris wheel shined down on us. The laughter of children filled our ears. I looked over at one of the stands. It was a shooting one. They had milk bottle set up and you had to take two balls and knock all three down. I looked up at the huge puppy dog that hung above the stand.
“Do you want it?” Ken asked me. I nodded. He handed the guy fifty cents and the guy handed him two balls. Ken winded up his hand and threw with all his might. He hit it dead on. All three bottle came tumbling down. The guy set them up again for the second ball. He threw them again and all three came down. The guy handed him the big stuffed dog. He handed it to me.
“Thanks.” I smiled. I carried around the dog proudly.
“I’ll be right back.” He said and disappeared. When he came back he was holding cotton candy. He handed it to me.
“For me?” I asked.
“For you.” He answered. He took a piece of cotton candy and then he leaned in and kissed me. The candy melted in my mouth. I pulled away but kept my eyes closed.
“Ken,” I began to say.
“I’m sorry, Jane. I know you’re not ready.” He began.
“Its okay. Its okay.” I smiled.
“I’m really sorry.” He apologized.
“Ken, its okay.” I made clear. He nodded but I could he was uncomfortable. I reached for his hand but he pulled away. Once we left the fair I stopped to talk to him.
“Whats wrong? You’ve been acting weird.” I confronted him.
“Nothing.” He lied.
“Dammit Ken! I’m not messing around!” I said slightly louder than I wanted to.
“Don’t get hostile on me.” He joked. I gave him a serious look. “Okay, its just you’re widowed and its only been five months. I don’t want to make a move on you. Just holding your hand makes it hard to control myself.” I walked up to him and hugged him.
“I trust you.” I said honestly. He kissed my forehead. When we got back to my house it was really late. We both passed out in my room. We were both laying on my bed. I woke up in the middle of the night. I had another night mare. I looked over to one side of my bed. Ken was sleeping with his hands above his head and his shirt off. I covered his hard body up and laid on his chest. I sighed. As I laid my head down he rested his hand on my back.
The next morning my Mother woke me up. She came in my room quietly. She gently patted my back. I jumped as I saw her. I sat up.
“Long night?” She asked.
“Not what it looks like.” i said while rubbing my eyes. Ken sat up and jumped as he saw my Mom.
“Oh! I’m sorry.” He said and got up.
“Ken, its fine. I’m a big girl.” I reminded him. He relaxed and slid on his shirt.
“I came to tell you that your brother is returning today.” She said. Chills went over my body.
“Okay.” I said. “I’m going to get dressed.” My mother existed the room. I took off my shirt and put another one on. Ken closed his eyes. I laughed when he did.
“You okay?” I asked him.
“Just being polite.” He answered. I dropped my pants and put on some shorts. All the girls loved Ken. He use to be a star athlete. He was cute and also did plays. He was the all around guy.
I walked Ken down stairs to his car. We stood awkwardly outside its door.
“Well, bye.” He said and kissed my cheek. As we pulled away our eyes locked. We both went in for a kiss. After our lips touched I quickly pulled away. For some reason I felt as if I was cheating on Alan, although he was gone.
“I, I gotta go.” He said. He got into his car and drove away. I walked inside wondering what just happened. About an hour later my mother and I waited on our porch impatiently waiting for Jesse to come home. As a car drove up the hair on my arms stood up. A tall, buff guy got out of the car. He took off his hat. I realized it was Jesse. I ran into his arms crying. He rubbed my hair. His big arms wrapped around me. I missed him so much.
“I know, I know.” He said.
“He’s gone!” I cried into him. He picked me up because my knee’s went weak and we went inside. My Mother walked in behind us. She hugged him although he was still holding me. We all sat on the couch. I was still crying into his chest.
“How’ve you been?” He asked me. I looked up at him without saying any words. “That bad.” I nodded.
“Widowed at 18.” My Mother shook her head. “Darling, what happened? They weren’t specific.”
“Well, a huge bomb went off. There were so many remains that they couldn’t tell a head from a foot. Who ever didn’t show up they assumed they were killed.” He explained.
“They didn’t find Alan’s body?” My Mom asked but I think she was kind of stating it too.
“No. His body wasn’t found.” He answered.
“So, he could still be alive?” I asked hopeful.
“Janey, it isn’t likely. You have no idea what it was like. So many bodies were dismembered and just plain blowed to smithereens.
We couldn't tell a head from a toe. It was that bad." He said sadly. I laid my head on his shoulder. My Mother patted my back.
"Everything will be okay. I promise." She said. My sad eyes looked up at her. It was so hard to believe that what she says is true. I don't know if it will be alright. I don't know. I know I can live without Alan but I don't want to. I was always told that Will Power over powers everything but what if will power isn't enough? What if I'm not strong enough? What if its all just not enough? As I thought about it for a while, I grew weary. My eyes got heavy and I dozed off.
~~~~~

I looked over at the other side of my bed. A man was in it. I thought it was Alan. I smiled and rolled over. I drew circles on his chest like always. When he awoke he spoke.
"Hey." He smiled. Everything was okay except it wasn't Alan's voice. I looked up at his face and it was Ken. I jumped. I stood up and jumped off the bed. "What is it, babe?"
"Don't call me babe." I said. I looked around at the room but something was different. There were no pictures of Alan or of Debbie. In fact there were only pictures of Ken and I. Pictures of us and some little boy. I looked down at myself. I was wearing boy shorts and a bra. I quickly grabbed a sheet and covered myself.
"Are you okay?" He asked me while standing up. I closed my eyes, well partly.
"Why are you in my bed?" I asked.
“You mean our bed?” He tried to correct me. Confusion covered me from head to toe. Then a little boy ran into our room. He jumped up and down on our bed. He couldn’t have been more than two or three years old. He looked exactly like Ken. Almost like a mini Ken. It was kind of scary.
“I’m hungry, Mommy!” He yelled.
“Mommy?” I asked. What the hell was going on? “Who are you calling Mommy?”
“Jane, Darling. Are you feeling okay? Don’t you recognized Ken Jr. ?” He asked.
“I’m fine and no I don’t know him.” I said. The little boy sat sat down on the bed.
“Mommy?” He asked. When the heck did I have a child? Some one should have informed me about this.
“Jane, you’re scaring me. I’m Ken, your husband, and this is Ken Jr., your son.” He explained. I jumped when he tried to touch me. Then I heard a faint voice calling me name.

~~~~

I awoke to Ken and Debbie shaking me to wake up. I jumped and got away from Ken. It might have been a dream but it was a creepy one at that.
“Jane?” Ken asked.
“Are you okay?” Debbie added.
“I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be fine? Are you okay?” I asked. Debbie walked up to me and held my hands down. I’m guessing she thought I was going to hurt either her or myself.
“Relax. Breath with me.” She said and took a bunch of deep breaths.
“I know how to breath.” I told her. She let go of my hands.
“Are you really okay?” She asked seriously.
“Yes, Debbie. I wouldn’t lie to you.” I lied. I would lie to her. She looked at me with her look. I smiled and started laughing.
“Its not funny, Jane! You really scared me!” She said in all seriousness. Ken walked up to me and tried to hug me. I pushed him away.
“Jane, are you sure you’re okay?” He asked me. I was tired of acting like I was okay. I was tired of acting.
“No.” I finally said. “I’m scared. I’m scared of falling in love with you.” I began.
“Why would you,” Ken interrupted me.
“Let me talk!” I scolded him. “I’m scared of betraying Alan. We were married. I would feel like I would have been cheating on him.”
“Jane, its not cheating on him because he’s not coming back.” Debbie said.
“Why is that concept so hard for me to grasp?” I asked her while my eyes welled up.
“I don’t know.” Debbie said while her eyes welled up too. “See, you’re making me cry.” She said and hugged me.
“Jane, I wouldn’t do anything that you don’t want. I love you.” He said. Wow. That was a huge bombshell. Way to drop it right on my head! Debbie looked at him and was thinking the same thing as me.
“Ken, don’t say that.” She begged him.
“Why? Its true. I love you, Jane.” He replied.
“Don’t you see she’s still in love with Alan?” She asked him. He got upset. He swung his hand and knocked my picture of Alan and me on the ground. I watched as each piece shattered into a million other pieces. It was almost as if in slow motion.
“Its been months! He’s not coming back!” He screamed. He looked down at the mess of glass. I fell to my knee’s. “Jane, I’m sorry.”
“Go.” I told him. He tried to walk close to me. “Go!” I screamed. He ran out. I sat on my knee’s with tears rolling down my cheeks. I picked up the picture and wiped the glass off it. Debbie put two hands on my shoulder but I pushed her away. She sat on my bed. She knew I just needed to be left alone. That was the best thing about Debra. She knew when to be there and when not to.
I looked at the glass. I looked at the picture under all of the glass. I picked up the picture and watched as the glass hit the floor. I held the picture to my heart.
“Why did you leave me?” I cried. “Why?”

-

I ignored Ken for a while but I noticed when I wasn’t with Ken, I would think more about Alan and that just made me hurt more. I was tired of avoiding him. He came to my house with flowers. He knocked three times on the door. I opened it and his eyes widened.
“Jane! I’m so sorry.” He immediately spit out. He handed me the flowers. I walked up to him and hugged him. He sighed relieved.
“Its okay.” I quietly said. We took a walk to relax. He held my hand.
“I am really sorry about that day.” He apologized.
“Ken, its okay.” I, again, said.

Over the next month Ken and I grew closer and closer. We spent everyday together. Every hour. Every second. That dream still scared me but Ken is helping me. Not helping me forget but helping me move on.
“Jane, are you sure you know what you’re doing?” Debbie asked me while I was going over innovatory in Alan’s shop. I knew she wasn’t talking about the Shop so I didn’t give her a smart ass answer.
“Yes.” I replied plain and simple.
“If you then you wouldn’t be doing this.” She said. I stopped what I was doing. “You guys kiss and hug. You’re dating, Jane.” I never thought of it that way. I mean I know we were dating but I didn’t want to think of it because then I think I’m cheating on Alan. I looked out the window and saw Ken making his way to the shop. I got a feeling inside. I knew what it was. It was love. I was falling in love with Ken. He came in and made it back to the innovatory with me.
“Hey babe.” He said while kissing me. Debbie gave me a look. I hated that look. Its the look she gives me when she know’s she right.
“Hey.” I smiled ignoring Debbie’s look.
“I’m going to get a Smoothie from Dina’s.” He said and hugged me. “Do you want one?”
“Sure.” I said. I was about to tell him what kind but he interrupted me.
“Strawberry Blast, I know.” He chuckled as he left the shop. The bell above the door dinged as he opened and closed it. I looked back at Debbie.
“Don’t give me that look.” I told her and walked out of the innovatory. I went to the cash register and tightened up.
“Then don’t do it, Jane!” She begged.
“Don’t do what?” I asked her.
“Don’t fall in love with him.” She said quietly. I didn’t reply. “Don’t do this to Alan.”
“Do this to Alan? Debbie, he left me. I can’t wait my whole life for someone who Isn’t coming back.” I said. Tears welled up in my eyes. “See what you do.” I said and wiped my tears. She hugged me. “I wanna give up and then Ken came and he made me feel not alone.”
“I just know he’s not right for you.” She said. I didn’t say anything. I finished Innovatory and went home. I went to my room at sat at my desk. I opened my draw and took out the big pile of letters from Alan. I read through every single one of them. After I went through his trunk again. I took out his uniform and smelled it. I loved his sent.
Ken knocked on my door. He walked in and looked at everything that was scattered across my room.
“Jane, honey. Are you okay?” He asked me. I shook my head no. He sat on the floor with me. He leaned against my bed and I leaned on him.
“I just miss him so much.” I cried.
“Sh.” He said. “It will be okay.” Just having him hold me made me fall asleep. When I woke up I was in my bed. Everything was put away and my room was clean again. Ken walked through the door with some water.
“Here, take a sip.” He said. I took a sip and then he set it on my desk. “How do you feel?”
“Better.” I said.
“That’s good. How much sleep have you gotten lately?” He asked concerned.
“Like four or five hours a night.” I said still drowsy.
“Jane, you need to start taking better care of yourself.” He said.
“I do.” I said.
“No, you don’t.” He said and its terrible, I know, but he was right. He kissed me.
“I will try.” I lied.
“You’re lying.” He smiled while we kissed.
“How’d you know?” I asked. I’m a fantastic lier. He’s the only one who’s ever figured me out.
“Because I know.” He smiled. He was so corky. We kissed and then I pulled myself back further so he could fit on the bed too.
Later that day Ken and I took a walk along the shore at the beach. It was beautiful out and the sun was just about to set. It was still really warm out.
I looked behind us at the foot prints that were fading with the wind. I smiled at the birds who flew over us. Ken stop dead in front of me.
“What is it?” I asked him.
“Do you know how beautiful you are?” He asked me.
“Ken.” I laughed.
“No, I’m serious.” He smiled. “Jane, I want to ask you something.” I nodded my head.
“Well, go on.” I chuckled.
“Jane, you are so beautiful and everyday I’ve spent with you is a blessing. Jane, I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Will you marry me?” He asked while getting on one knee. My jaw dropped. Yes, I love Ken but do I want to spend the rest of my life with him? I had to give him an answer. What am I going to say? I can’t live without him. He fills my void. I don’t know if I can live forever with him though. He wanted an answer.
“Yes.” I said quietly. He stood up.
“Yes?” He asked. I can’t believe he’s going to make me say it again.
“Yes.” I smiled. I hope he couldn’t tell it was a fake smile.
“Yes!” He shouted and kissed me. As we kissed the water came on shore and touched our bare feet. Did I really just say yes? “I love you.” He kissed me.
“I love you too.” I replied. But did I really?

The wedding didn’t take long to plan. He did everything. The only thing I did was pick out the dresses and colors. As everyone was gathered around in the seats of the church I looked at him. He was talking to his buddies by the priest.
“I can’t do this.” I told my Mother who was fixing my vail.
“What do you mean you can’t do this?” She asked.
“I mean I don’t love him. I mean I do love him but I don’t know if I want to spend the rest of my life with him.” I explained.
“Oh, Janey.” She sighed. “What did you get yourself into?”
“Were ready.” My Dad said. We put aside our differences for today. I took his arm and he kissed my cheek.
“You look beautiful.” He smiled.
“Thank you.” I replied. The organs began to play. To me is sounded like a death march but I guess its traditional. I looked at Ken. He was smiling the most biggest grin. What am I going to do? I can’t hurt him. He’s been here for me through it all. My father gave me away and Ken took my hands and smiled as we stood across from each other. I looked into his eyes as the priest went on and on. I tuned him out.
Is this really what I’m suppose to do? This isn’t where I thought I was going to be. I want it to be Alan. Jane, Alan isn’t coming back. This is the next step. Take it. Don’t be afraid. I love Ken. I love Ken. I love Ken. I love Ken. I love Ken. I love Ken. I love Ken. I love Ken. I’m not afraid. I can do this. I can make the next step. I tuned the preacher back in. I heard him say,
“Is there anyone who thinks that this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony? Speak now or forever hold your peace.” He said and then the church doors flew open. Everyone turned.
“I do!” Alan screamed. I dropped my flowers. I looked at him. It was really him. He’s actually here. Everyone looked at him but he was only looking at me. He walked up to me. “This woman is already married.” He paused. “To me.” Gasps went through the church. Ken’s family’s eyes got wide. Debbie dropped her flowers. My Mother stood up.
“Alan!” I screamed and ran into his arms. We kissed. We didn’t stop kissing. My Mother was crying she was so happy. Ken tried to walk to me but Debbie stopped him.
“Don’t.” She said. Ken sat down with his face in his hands. Alan and I took a breath and hugged. I wiped his tears.
“It really is you.” I smiled. He wiped my drippy make up.
“Yes.” He smiled. He set me back down.
“Excuse us.” My Mother said. She grabbed Debbie’s arm. Debbie grabbed Ken and Alan and I followed. We went into the area where I got dressed. My Mother closed the door behind us. Alan and I set down together. I didn’t let go of him. I couldn’t. For some reason I felt as if I let go then he’d disappear again.
“Alan, is that really you?” My Mother asked. Alan stood up and hugged her.
“Where have you been? They told us you were dead.” I cried. He calmed me down. He’s the only one who could ever know how to stop my crying.
“After the bomb some of the natives around there found me. They took me back to a town and nursed me back to health. I lost my memory and didn’t know where I was. I met a girl. Her name was Mariska. We were walking through town when I found a paper on your wedding. Everything came back to my like a speeding bullet. I remembered you.” He kissed me. I hugged him.
“I love you.” I cried. Ken sat with his head in his hands. I kelt down beside him.
“Ken?” I asked. He looked up with tears in his eyes. “You were there when no one else was. You picked me up when I was down.”
“Jane, don’t leave me.” He begged.
“Sh.” I hugged him. “I love you but my heart had always belonged to Alan. Always have and always will.” He stood up and left. “Ken, don’t leave.” I begged but he slammed the door. I stood back up and hugged Alan. Debbie was sitting in the chair beside me over whelmed. I was over whelmed myself. There was so much that has just happened.
“Never leave me again!” I told him.
“Never.” He said. My Mother stood up with tears in her eyes.
“What are we going to do about the wedding?” She asked.
“It doesn’t have to go to waste.” Debbie suggested. I nodded. I looked at Alan. He was wearing just a regular button up shirt and jeans but I didn’t care what he looked like. As long as he was here with me. I smiled at him.
“But we don’t have the ring.” He sighed. I pulled out my neckless that was over my heart.
“I always wear it close to my heart.” I smiled. He kissed me.
“What are we waiting for?” He asked.
“Wait? Can I process this, please?” I asked.
“Okay.” He smiled. I looked at him and touched his face. I kissed his lips.
“Promise me that you wont leave me.” I told him.
“I promise I will never leave you. I will always be there.” He promised. We hugged and then my Mom escorted us. She opened the big doors and there we stood.
“There is still going to be a wedding.” My Mother smiled. “With Jane and Alan.”
Alan took my hand. We walked down the aisle together. We stood at the alter and with a kiss we seal our love. Everyone cheered and smiled. We were finally together. Forever.

Its now fifty years later and we are still together. We’ve had three children who’ve all grown up and married. All together we have five grandchildren and two of them are twins. My Mother died not long after the wedding. She had died but the doctor’s didn’t know why. My father died only years after her from a heart attack. Alan and I moved into there house. Jesse moved out and ended up marrying Debbie. They live only a mile from our house. Alan and I live peacefully in the house that started it all and to think I almost believed her was actually gone.

~The End~

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Tag der Veröffentlichung: 12.02.2012

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