My Diary
-A teenager finding herself-


May 1, 2010

So, I guess I don’t know how this works because I’m not the kind of girl who would write a diary but here I am. My Mother says when I get older it is cool to look at a old diary and see how I changed. So I guess this is the part when I say what happened today. Well, being that I am in Tenth Grade school sucks. I have been single for a while now and I have dated 90% of the guys in my grade so their is not a big selection left. I always have someone to talk to about things. His name is Brandon. He has been my best friend since Fifth Grade and its going to stay that way. Brandon likes to pester me about things, mainly random things but he is always their and I was their when his girlfriend broke up with him.
For a while I was dating a guy named Eric. He was okay but my friends said I could do better but you know what its like when he meet someone when your young and you immediately click and date and keep going on and off. We have known each other for a long time and I think that is the main reason why we stay together and always go back to each other. We broke up as usual, but this time it was because he wanted my best friend. I was okay and then they started dating but she could still see I had feeling for him so she dumped him. It has been about three months since we talked and I didn’t feel like starting to talk now. Brandon keeps asking me who I like but I don’t like anyone in my school. Being Brandon he wont take no for an answer and keeps pestering me. My Mother tries to keep me as her baby girl but I have to grow up some time. She tried to buy me clothes a two year old would wear. Well its about Twelve P.M so I think I will go to bed. Night.


May 2, 2010

I think I have had the worst day ever! Today people started a rumor that I was pregnant! I mean like seriously, I weigh like 115 pounds and I have a flat stomach thank you. My friends came up to me and touched my stomach and said is it a boy or girl. Now every one in my school thinks I’m a slut! And if my day couldn’t get any worse I got called into the guidance councilor. This is how our conversation went.
“Have you heard your options?” She asked me.
“Excuse me?” I said.
“For your pregnancy.” She replied and I flipped.
“I’m not pregnant!” I said and then she implied that I was denying I was pregnant and then I slammed out of their. It made me so mad. When I got home I got out my Math homework: If X equal Y then what is W? The question asked. If X equals Y , wait what? What does Y equal, if I was born with a brain I swear I would be dangerous. I had my Mom help me with it because she is in College. She always knows the right answers to all my problem. When she picks me up from school people always stare at her. She is only 29 and has a 16 year old daughter. She also has and ass and boobs like a teenager so guys always gawk at her. I get so mad. She always has guys spending the night at my house. They show up at night and leave before I get up, she tries to deny it but when the back door slams at 3 o’clock in the morning what do you expect?


May 3, 2010

Brandon, John, Sidney, Brian and Josh came to my house for a small movie party. We stayed on the Trampoline most of the time. Then when we went inside we watched the Ring 2, it wasn’t scary at all. John and Brandon went in my room to talk while Brain sat on the couch with me and Sidney sat on the chair with my dog Charlie.
Everybody left at 11 except Brian and Sidney, they spent the night. We stayed up till 4 the next morning. We woke up at 6 and then passed out at 7 and didn’t wake up till one in the afternoon. When they went home around eight, I went out side and sat on the porch. It was just getting dark. I could see the big dipper. The stars look so pretty while they glisten. It was so peaceful out side. All I could hear were the crickets and the silence. I wondered why my life couldn’t be that same way.


May 4, 2010

School today was a drag. I ran two miles in gym and held the most push-up high score. I did 28 push ups and everyone else could hardly do one. It was something funny to watch. Then next period I had Science and I was the only one who did my homework so Mrs. Grosse was mad. In Lunch a fight broke out. Some kid threw a tray at another kid and then that kid punched the other kid and then the police showed up to take them out. Like that wasn’t bad enough, a twelfth grader got detention because he punched a kid in the mouth and the kid had to have reconstructive surgery. I think the twelfth grader got out of school suspension for a month but I really don’t look into things that much.
In the wall way someone covered their hand over my eyes and said guess who. I guessed Brandon and of course I was right. :). He told me we have homework in math because he has math before me. We walked to Study Hall. When we got their I saw Eric with my friend Leona. He had his arm around her waist and they were laughing. When Leona saw me she freaked.
“Jillian! Oh I’m sorry. I wanted to tell you but I didn’t know how!” She said. She looked like she was going to cry. I looked at Eric and their was something different in his eyes. He had a look on his face, I use to see that look a lot. He looked helpless like he just saw a ghost.
“Its okay, really.” I said to her. She was so frantic. “Leona, its fine. I have no control on who you date. Its fine okay.” She still looked frantic but gave a sigh of relief. The days leading up to they avoided each other. In the hallway when I was walking up the stairs I heard them fight. I know that spying is wrong but it wasn’t intentional.
This is there conversation:

Eric: Your acting ridiculous.

Leona: She is my friend. My best friend. I cant do this to her. Not you.

Eric: She said it was fine.

Leona: I know but friends don’t do that to other friends. I know you still love her.

Eric: No. Your crazy.

Leona: When you saw her in that room when you were with me you stared at her with a glare. You love her. I know that look. Don’t waste time on me, go find her.

Eric: Thank you.


Eric gave her a hug and then ran up the stairs. He was coming my way so I had to act like I was just coming down. He ran past me and then backed up. He grabbed me and gave me a big kiss. Then Brandon was coming up the stairs and pulled him off me.

“You Jack Ass! You knew I was going to ask her out!” He screamed. I stood their speechless.
“She was mine first.” Eric said while pushing him back.
“You don’t deserve her! Its her choice who she picks.” Brandon said and then they both looked at me and said in unison: Pick Me. I didn’t know who to pick. So I made a T-Chart and when that didn’t work I thought real hard. Eric has thrown me away so many times and I keep going back to him when so many other guys say they want to date me. Why?
I dumped Ray, Phillip, Shawn, Kyle, Austin, Tom, Zak, Randy, Blake, Jordan, Erich, Eric, Brian, Chris and the other Chris. I know what your thinking and what your thinking is I’m a slut but I’m not. Most of these guys I haven’t even kissed. Brandon is my best friend and what if out relationship ruins that. I keep going back to Eric although he treats me like trash but I don’t know why. I found that I don’t have any real feelings left for Eric. Should I try it anyways? Will me saying no to Brandon hurt our friendship? I didn’t know the answers to any of these questions but I intend to find out what they are.


May 5, 2010

Today I got a text from Brandon and Eric saying the exact same thing. “Have you decided yet?” I had no idea which one I would chose. What world has this came to when you can’t even have a best ‘boy’ friend and him not like you. I know I’ve seen the movies where guy and girl are friend since they cant remember and then guy falls for girl and girl don’t feel the same way and the guy ruins it all. I didn’t think that happened as much as it makes it out to be but apparently it happens more than I expected. I also didn’t think that love thing happened either. You know were guy says something charming and then they have this huge passionate kiss. Yeah, that don’t happen in real life at all. I would know because guy are gigantic enormous asses when it comes to relationships. I didn’t know which guy to chose. Man, being a teenager sucks!
Today my parents decided to have “the talk”. First sign that gave it away was my father. He never comes around unless it is important. Second, you would never see my parents in the same room. And third they were being nice, which never happens. I thought my parents were humiliating but this was horrifying. This is how out ‘chat’ went.

Dad: Honey, I think its about time we have the talk.
(My dad says while closing my door behind my mother to make sure I suffer every little second of the conversation)

Me: Okay, I know about sex and crap that comes with. I do have to take sex ed in school.

Mom: They teach that now?
(My air head of a mother said. But how would she know she was a full blown hippy in her day. They didn’t know of birth control or condoms. There were babies popping out every were.)

Dad: We know your getting around that age when the desire become active and we want you to have protection. Now do you know how it works?
(I couldn’t believe he asked me that! How humiliating and at this point of the conversation I was shoving them out the door and shutting it in their faces. I could hear my mom on the other side saying “Well that went well.” And then my overbearing father agreeing.)

I thought some of the stuff they said was a little weird so I didn’t put that in. If I thought before was a bad day I’m pretty sure this one tops it.


May 6, 2010

The principal told me if I got one more pick slip I will suspended for a week. My dad would kill me! I have to be the nicest I’ve ever been!!!!! Wow this is going to be hard. I told Sidney what I had to do and she didn’t think I could do it but I’ll show her.
“Did your parents really give you the talk?” Sidney asked while putting parenthesis around the words the and talk.
“Yuppy. Its was horrible.” I said laughing.
“My parents say if I don’t know that stuff already their is something wrong. I mean I am 16, its not like I’ve never had a moron try to get me in bed, its just I never went.” She said and I nodded my head.

I still haven’t told either of them my answer. Eric came to talk to me one on one.
“Not to rush you but pick me.” He said during French.
“Not to rush you but I’m not sure if I’m going to pick either of you.” I said and his jaw dropped.
“Tell you what. Meet me in the hallway on the way to Tech and I will give you my answer.” I said and he shook his head and went back to doing his French homework. I didn’t know what I would say but I had to say something. When I met him he asked what my answer was but I didn’t know what to say. I ran up to him and kissed him.
“Do you got your answer?” I asked and he shook his head. Turns out I really didn’t have to talk but I can’t believe I had to tell him yes and Brandon no. Yikes.

May 7, 2010

Eric was holding my hand in the hall and Brandon flipped. He dropped his laptop and then punched Eric. He got a bloody nose and we all got sent to the principal. Brandon took all responsibility so I wouldn’t get in trouble but we had to tell the principal.
“Well it started when I told Eric I wanted to ask out Jillian then he asked her out because he thought she would say yes to me and then we got in a fight and then I see them holding hands and I flipped.” Brandon said taking a huge breath after he was finished. Mrs. Marie looked at me and I waved my hand and sank into my chair embarrassed.
“Eric is this true?” She asked Eric.
“Uh.. Yes, I like Jillian and didn’t want him to have her.” He said and I sank even lower into my chair. She sighed and then wrote detention for the boys but not for me. I was so thankful.

May 8, 2010

I’m sick of all the crap in my life. Their is really nothing for me. I’m done with guys but that don’t mean I’m going to girls. That just means that I don’t want to date anymore.
“I know a guy who you could date.” Leona said as we got our lunch.
“Really who?” I said in a not believing voice.
“A guy I dumped but he would be perfect for you though.” She said.
“Wow that sounds great! Not good enough for you but perfect for me. Sounds better every second.” I told her but she knew I was sarcastic.
“Thats not what I meant. Well never mind find someone on your own, then.” She said. Leona is my best friend and I don’t know what to do with out her
When I got home my Mom had a huge surprise for me. First I knew something was up when she had my favorite meal made and we had a guest. He was tall, with brown hair. He had to be in his late 30’s. My Mom always had younger guys over, not once an old guy.
“Hello. I’m Kyle.” He said. He stood up from the dinning room table and shook my hand. My Mom was nodding to me to shake his hand back. When I shook it he had a really strong grasp. I didn’t like him. I know I don’t even know him but I just don’t like him.
“Mom can I talk to you in the Kitchen for a minute?” I asked. She followed me into the Kitchen but first told Kyle she would be back. She stood at the island and I stood by the chair.
“So who is this Kyle guy?” I asked.
“A boy I met.” She said while cutting the cake.
“A boy! He is a man and one who is getting pretty old if you ask me.” I said. Now she was putting a lid over the cake till dinner was over.
“Jillian stop it! He is a nice person. We both have something to tell you though. So go to the table and I will be there soon.” She said while motioning me to the dining room. When I sat down Kyle tried to make small talk.
“How was school?” He asked.
“You guess. I’m a teenager stuck in a prison.” I replied smiling. He nodded and didn’t say anything further until Mom came back out. He stood up when she walked into the room and pushed in her chair after she sat down.
After we ate my mom said, “We have some news for you.”
“Oh god! Don’t tell me your pregnant!” I said. She giggled.
 “Of course not. We are moving!” She said with such excitement that she jumped up.
“What?!?!?!?!” I screamed.
“To Chicago. My home state.” Kyle said.
“We are getting married. We are going to start new!” My Mom said. They kissed and I felt like barfing. I ran to my room and locked the door. I played the song Last Resort so loud I thought I heard my ear drums explode. I heard them slamming on my door but it was happening to fast and way to soon. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t like were I lived but I had friends and boys that I like to hang with. They have no right to drag me with them. If I have to I will find my real father and he can take care of me. I wont leave!
“Honey let me in!” My Mom was screaming over the electric guitar and screaming of my music. Then Kyle was talking. I couldn’t tell what he was saying but I didn’t like it. Before I knew it he had my door open. He walked into my room and shut my music off.
“Who the hell do you think you are?” I said.
“Let us explain.” He said with his hand around my mothers waist. I couldn’t see him hand so I’m assuming it was on her ass.
“You didn’t even ask me what I want!” I screamed.
“Fine. What do you want Jill?” She asked.
“I don’t want to leave. I don’t want Kyle. I want the old days were we would go shopping but that stopped when you had better things to do.” I looked down. My Mom came over and hugged me.
“I love you and I always will.” But their is always a but. “But I love Kyle too and I want to spend the rest of my life with him.” I moved her hand away from me. I ran out of the house. I grabbed my dirt bike and went to Leona’s. When I rang the door bell she came to the door. I had tears coming down my face. We went to her room.
“What happened?” She asked while getting me some new clothes to wear for the night and the morning.
“My Mom has a new one. His name is Kyle and they, including me in their ridiculous idea, want to run away to Chicago to get married. She hasn’t even known him for more than a week! I don’t want to move!” I bursted out in tears. She comforted me.
“Its okay.” She said.
“No its not! They will find me. They will take me with them. I don’t like him. I don’t want to go.” I wiped my hair out of my face and wiped my eyes. “I’m going to find my father. My real father.” I said. Leona looked up with a puzzled look on her face.
“Jill, are you sure? Your mother was Thirteen when she got pregnant. You have no idea who may be the father.” She said and that got me thinking. Before I was able to say anything Leona’s door flew open and Kyle and my Mom was there. I sank down beside the bed.
“You can’t make me go!” I repeated the words over and over again.
“You have to come home.” Kyle said.
“My home is not your home! I don’t like you. You are ruining my family!” I screamed.
“I will go home to my old apartment.” My mom cut in.
“No, she will warm up to yo---.” He cut her off too.
“No.” He gave her a kiss. “Isabelle I will see you soon. I love you. We will work this out I promise.” He walked out the door and drove my dirt bike back to my house were his truck was.
“Do you like making me sad?” She asked. “I love him and he like you although I have no idea on earth why. You are a menace. If you get to know him you will like him. I promise.”
“Don’t make promises you cant keep.” I said while putting on a new shirt. By this time Leona left the room.
“It was my idea not him.” She said. I didn’t care. Since the time he took one look at me I knew he would be trouble.
“I don’t give a rats ass even if it was Jesus’ idea. I’m not going!” I screamed. She pulled me out by my hair. She made me get in the car and go home. I couldn’t move. Not now not ever. When I got home I had a plan. I would run away. I would plan it for the tomorrow.

May 9, 2010

I know what I’m going to do. I’m taking a dirt bike. Just me and the open road. I packed me bag and hid it in the closet. I put my Bible in it. I put the 500 dollars that I saved in there for gas. I put two changes of clothes and a charger for my phone. I was going to leave when it gets dark. I wont tell any one because they may tell my Mom. I ate Dinner then went to my room. I threw the bag out the window and at the bottom of the Maple Tree in the front yard. My bike was outside the garage. I was ready.
I left around Nine. I hoped on my blue bike and strapped in my bag. I saw Kyle in my Moms window. They were kissing. I rolled my bike down a few roads before starting it up so they wouldn’t hear it. I prayed on my Bible then left. I drove all night long. I ended up some place close to Massachusetts, I think. I didn’t use the map I packed. I stopped at some hotel. I paid for one night and got my rest.

May 10, 2010

I checked my phone today and I got five messages from my mom. By this time she knows I’m missing. I went to the hotel manager to see if I could get a job.
“Hello, my name is Jillian and I was wondering if I could have a job here?” I asked. The man was a small portly guy. He had a bald spot on his head which he covers with his longer hair. He has an over grown mustache and a grin that you couldn’t forget.
“We are short staffed but we are also short on the big bucks.” He said while sitting at his desk, trying to act sophisticated.
“Well I will work minimum wage and I can work from eight in the morning to eight at night most days.” I said. I put my hands together and started to mumble please please.
“Okay but don’t let me down. You start today. Work till eight p.m.” He said while throwing me a name tag. I smiles and went to the front desk. It was a long day and not many customers but there was a lot of men in there late forties with prostitutes. Most of them young but I wanted no business with that.
Its finally 8:00 P.M. I get to go to sleep. I made about 85 dollars today. Its almost enough to pay the hotel bill. Maybe I could ask if he could cut the bill in half since I am working for him, short chance. Another day or two I will be making a profit! There’s not much to do around here. I miss Leona and Brandon..... and Eric. They are the past and I chose this direction so I have to follow it, I’m wondering were it would lead. Around eleven p.m. my phone goes off. I look at the caller I.D and its Brandon. I answer.
“Hello?” I said. I was yawning form getting woken up.
“Where are you? You have scared me silly!” He said.
“I’m not telling you were I am. No one can find me!” I said.
“Everybody is worried especially your mom.” He said.
“ Listen, I know you care but I need a break from every one.” I said.
“Okay but if you get in any trouble I’m just a call away.” He said.
“I love you Brandon.” I said, I thought about taking it back but I didn’t.
“I love you too.” He said. Then he hung up. I set my phone down and sat on the bed. I thought about a lot of things. About how I acted towards Kyle and everybody whom I’m missing. Maybe I couldn’t have listened to Kyle a little more but I wasn’t going to leave. I missed Leona. She was my best friend since forever ago. I wonder if I’ll ever get to see her again. I wanted to get my mind off of things so I turned on the television.
“16 year old Jillian Smith went missing yesterday. She has wavy, strawberry blond hair. She is 5 foot 7 and 135 pounds. If you have any information on this girl then please call the number below.” I was speechless. I didn’t think my mom would call the police about it. Then my mom came on screen.
“Please Jillian if your watching this, come home! We miss you! Please baby come home!” She started to cry before she could finish the sentence. Then Kyle went to comfort her so I turned off the television. Then I had an revolution! What if the manager saw this, he would call! What am I going to do? I calmed down. I looked out the hotel window and no one was there so I took a deep breath. I decided that I would keep my mouth shut and hope he wont tell.

May 15, 2010

Its been a while since I wrote in my diary but I think I have been depressed. I’m not sure because I have never been depressed before but I just don’t feel like doing anything. I miss my old life. I know I cant go back but I dream about it. My phone rang over fifteen times but I don’t pick it up. When it called again I decided to pick it up because if it rang again I think I would lose it.
“Hello?” I said while sitting on my bed.
“Jill! Thank God your okay!” Eric said. I was surprised because I didn’t even think he cared I was gone.
“Eric? What do you want?” I asked.
“Jilly Billy I was so wrong! I love you! I know I haven’t been the most reliable boyfriend but I will change I promise. You running away really put things into perspective. Without you, I don’t know what I’ll do! Please come back. I know Brandon is more of the perfect guy for you but I cant lose you.” He took a breath.
“Slow down! Are you crazy? I told you that I cant do this thing with you anymore. I want a steady relationship and all you want is a girl you can play. I don’t want to be that girl anymore. “ I got quieter. “I’m sorry.” Then he hung up. I felt so bad. When I went to work the manager was waiting for me.
“Jill.” He said with his deep voice.
“Yes.” I replied.
“I have to go out with the Mrs. tonight so if you don’t mind, could you close up?” He asked and relief flooded my body.
“Of course!” I said.
“Oh and-” He reached for his pocket. “Here is your check for this week and I gave you a bonus.” I smiled and thanked him. About half way through my shift I decided to look at my pay check to see how much of a raise he gave me. I got around five hundred dollars as usual but there were two checks. The second one had one hundred dollars on it. I was speechless. That is a whole days pay!
It felt like forever until I was able to switch shifts. When I went to my room I felt lonely. No Mom, no Laura and no Brandon or Eric. I feel like I want to go home but how can I? They will send me a million miles away and then I would feel even more lonely.

May 16, 2010

When I got up for my shift today I had a big surprise. Kyle was there but no one was with him.
“Jillian you should come home.” He said as he approached me.
“How did you find me?” I asked. He looked different from when I last saw him. He looked more tense and worried.
“I cant tell you but I promise I wont tell you Mother where you are.” He paused for a moment. “She is very worried about you. She hasn’t slept since you left. You have to come home, for you Mother.”
“Kyle-” I started to say but he interrupted.
“Jill, I know you don’t want to leave and move but you have to understand that I love you Mother and wouldn’t want to hurt you but we both want to move, to start over. I know you may not like it but we are not trying to hurt you. If you wanted your Mom to be truly happy you would come with us when we leave. Think about it.” Kyle said. What he said really got me thinking. I was being unfair to my Mom. She was always there for me and I’m letting her down. I took a sick day and stayed in my room for the rest of the night to think.
I thought it was getting a little weird when Eric came to see me. I was thinking I was crazy when I saw him. He knocked on my door and when I opened it he jumped into my arms.
“Your okay! I can’t believe your okay. Where have you been? I have been so worried.” He muttered all at the same time with out letting me go. I pushed him away and took a step back.
“Eric, what are you doing here?” I asked.
“I needed to see if you were okay.” He said. He looked different. He looks like he hasn’t slept in weeks.
“I’m fine but I think you should go.” I said. He made a frown and then started to turn around but stopped. He grabbed me firmly by the arm and bent me down and gave me a kiss. I felt the world stop. When he pulled away we just stared into each others eyes.
“I cant do this. Not again.” I told him and I tried to shut the door but he opened it and came in.
“I love you. Please, I promise it will be different this time.” Eric said but that made me tick.
“Different! Thats what you said the million other times I gave you another chance! You always say its going to be different but it never will. You are the same person you were when you broke my heart last time!” I had to take a breath before saying anything else. When I did I saw a tear, rolling, slowly down his cheek.
“I’m sorry. I always threw you away. You didn’t deserve that. I’m sorry!” He said.
“Do you have radar or something. Every time I leave or are happy you swoop right in.” My voice got quieter. “Not this time. If I trust you again and you turn out to be the same...... I just don’t know what I would do.”
“I understand but I love you. I know I don’t deserve you but I do love you and-” I cut him off before he finished the sentence. I put my hand over his mouth and I saw another tear. This time it hit my hand. When it did I felt everything he did. It was incredible. I felt so sad and I felt like I wanted me to say yes but before I knew it I kissed him. I don’t know why but I did. He kiss back and then I pulled away.
“I cant believe I just did that!” I said. I held my head and paced back and forth. I stared at him for a while. Then he held out his arms and I jumped into them. “I love you, I love you, I love-” Then he kissed me. “You.” I finished saying. But then I hit reality and pulled away from his warm, passionate, arms. I hated myself for it but I had to do it. “What am I doing. I cant do this again.”
“Jill, I promise it will be different and to prove it I will wait here with you until you want to come home.” He said. I smiled and nodded and he came it. I made dinner for us. While we were eating I had a few questions for him.
“Why did you come and find me?” I asked. He looked up from his plate.
“I missed you.” Then he corrected himself. “We missed you.”
“I’m not going back. I cant go back.” I said, then he stood up from his seat and came to the other side of the island to were I was sitting. He stood behind me and rubbed my shoulders.
“It will be okay. Everything happens for a reason.” Then I turned around and we kissed. He pushed the food off the counter and lifted me up on it. We made out for what seemed like hours. He was on top of me when there was a knock at the door. It was the manager. When I opened the door I was buttoning up my blouse because Eric had unbuttoned it.
“Is everything okay up here?” He asked looking around suspiciously. “I heard a crashed then things banging around.”
“Oh I’m sorry I dropped my plate.” I answered and then Eric came to the door with no shirt and I pushed him out of sight.
“How old is he?” The manager asked.
“17 going on 18.” I answered.
“And how old are you?” He asked.
“Marty, I’m fine okay. Go back to your wife alright. I will be in bright and early for my shift.” I said reassuringly.
“If you ever need anything you know were to find me.” He said while still looking around. When I closed the door Eric slammed me against it and we forcefully made out. Not in a mean way but a sexy way.
“I thought he’d never leave.” He mumbled between kissing my neck. He lifted me while we kissed to my bed. He slowly laid me down and laid on me. I switched and went to the top. By this time I was topless and he was almost naked. When he tried to take my panties off I stopped him.
“Eric.” I said. Then he took his hands off me and sat up.
“Too fast?” He asked.
“I love you I do but I’m only 16 and I know I’m almost 17 but I don’t think I’m that ready.” I said while grabbing his shirt, putting it on and buttoning it up. “You can sleep in my bed and I will make a bed on the floor.” I said. I put on a pair of shorts.
“No I will take the floor.” He said. I knew he felt weird because I turned him down so I had to do something. I leaned him down and laid on him with my leg wrapped around him.
“We will share the bed.” I said while giving him a kiss. I could tell the weirdness her felt was gone. I took off the shorts but kept his shirt on. He kept his boxers on. When I crawled into bed he wrapped his arm around me and we face the same way so we couldn’t see each others face. He braced me and I grabbed his arm to pull him tighter. When he fell asleep I heard another knock on the door. When I answered it it was the manager again.
“I’m sorry about not giving you privacy but I know your only 16 and I wanted to make sure your okay.” He said.
“Can we talk outside. Eric is sleeping.” I closed the door behind me and we stood outside my room.
“I heard him slam you against the door and I heard him throw the plate and I heard him slam you on the island.” He said while turning and giving me a serious look.
“We didn’t have sex. I told him no. All that was was rough making out and I know we got close but I wouldn’t let it happen.” I said. He smiled and gave a sigh of relief.
“Jillian, your like a daughter to me and the Mrs. and me wanted to make sure you were okay and if tries to pressure you send him to me.” He said will showing me his guns. I giggled and we hugged and wished each other a good night. Marty was right I was like a daughter to him but he was also a father to me. When I got inside Eric woke up and asked who was at the door.
“It was Marty, the manager. He just wanted to remind me about work in the morning.” I said sounding very unconfident.
“Oh. Is everything okay?” He asked. He was sounding suspicious.
“Yeah, its fine. So lets get back to bed.” I said. I got a drink of water to cool off. I cant believe that I was sleeping with Eric. It just feels so weird. When I think about it I could see us living together but I never actually thought it would happen. When I got back in bed he put his arm around me. I tensed up.
“Whats wrong?” He asked. “Am I making you uncomfortable?”
“No, Eric, no. I’m fine, just a little tired thats all.” I said but he wasn’t satisfied with the answer. “I’m going to sleep on the floor.” He started to get up but I pulled him back.
“I’m not uncomfortable! I want you to sleep with me!” I said. I noticed I raised my voice but then quieted down.
“I can tell you feel weird and I don’t want to go to far.” He said. He tried to get up but this time I pounced on top of him. I started to make out with him and pull what little clothes he had on off.
“Would someone who is uncomfortable do this?” I asked while still undressing him. I was determined to make a point.
“Stop Jill, I get it okay.” He stated. He stood up and put his clothes back on. He picked me up and laid me on the bed. He covered me up and laid beside me comforting me, tightly. “I love you.” He said. I acted like I was sleep but I wasn’t. I didn’t want to go too far but I know Eric did and I felt weird by making him wait.

May 17, 2010

Eric is still with me and I look back at the night before and I think I was crazy. How could I go that far with someone who never cared a second about me. I didn’t want to get up in the morning but I did anyway. I got a cup of coffee and sat at the island. I still had his button up shirt with my underwear on. I heard a knock at the door. When I went to open it I tried to hide behind the door but as soon as I saw it was Brandon I froze. The door swung open.
“Babe, who is it?” Eric said while still in his underwear and wiping his eyes. He put his arm around me and kissed my cheek. He didn’t know that Brandon was at the door but when he saw him he ran to my room to grab himself a shirt. Brandon gave me a look I would never forget. He was so sad and pissed at the same time. He ran off and sprinted down the hallway. I ran after him. I caught him at the elevator. We both stepped in and I pressed the emergency stop button.
“Talk to me.” I said. He turned his back to me. “Brandon!”
“Fine do you want to talk?!? Then tell me why he is here!” He screamed. I saw tears in his eyes. I shook my head and looked down. “He don’t love you. I do. I care about you. I would never let you go. You need to understand this.”
“I’m sorry. He showed up. We didn’t do anything. I tried to get away but everybody tried to find me. I don’t want to be found.” I said. My voice got silent after a while. He ran up to me and embraced me. I looked up and we kissed. I had no idea what I was doing. I pulled away. “Brandon.” I paused for a while trying to think what I should do. “You know whats best for me. You care and actually feel something for me. When I cry so do you. I love you but your like a brother to me. I know Eric may not always treat me right but I feel more comfortable with him. I’m sorry.” He looked away. Then kissed me again. He pulled me so tight. He was so soft and wonderful. He wouldn’t let me pull away.
“I feel sparks every time we kiss. I feel time stop. You are my true love and if you don’t know it now thats okay because you will know it later.” He said. I felt so bad. So I kissed him. This time neither of us pulled away. We just stood making out. He picked me us and I sat with my legs around him. For some reason the emergency stop unlocked and Eric must have taken the stairs because he was waiting for me when the elevator opened. I didn’t know the emergency stop unlocked so when it opened and Eric was waiting there I was still kissing Brandon. He was still standing. My legs were still around him. His tongue was still in my mouth. I was so embarrassed because Eric just got out of my bed and I’m making out with his best friend in the elevator.
“Jillian!” Eric screamed. He pulled me off Brandon and started to punch him. There was so much blood. Brandon’s nose looked broken and we needed to take him to a hospital. I filled out all the information. His nose was broken. I felt so bad.
“Brandon, I’m sorry. I lost control. Its just when I saw her with you it made me so mad.” Eric said to Brandon.
“Are you jealous that she may actually like me?” He asked Eric.
“Yes. I’m so worried about losing her.” Eric said. I was suppose to be getting Brandon a drink from the vending machine and they didn’t know that I was back and listening but I heard the whole conversation.
“I had to spend so many painful years of watching you with her. Cant you give me a chance?” Brandon asked. Eric answered an answer that I thought would never come out of his mouth.
“Yes.” He said. He walked out and didn’t say another word until he walked up to me. He grabbed my hair and kissed me.
“I cant.....” He muttered after he pulled away from the kiss
“Cant what?” I asked but he didn’t answer. “Eric you cant what?” I asked again in a louder tone.
“He loves you so much and he knows whats right for you.” He muttered again.
“Who? Brandon? Eric no. I love you, not him.” I was going to say more but he cut me off.
“He hurts just because I am near you. He is my best friend, Jill. I cant do that to him.” He stared to walk away but I stopped him.
“Do that to him? What about doing that to me?!?” I said with a firm grip on his arm.
“Jill, you don’t understand. You can be happy with him. Please just try.” Then he left. I screamed his name so he would come back but he didn’t Week after week I pray to get a call from him, but nothing. Not a call or letter or word. I can’t believe he just left. I love him and I chose him but that wasn’t good enough. Brandon tried to call but I ignore him. I know its not his fault but seeing him might remind me of Eric. Brandon saw me in person a few days ago.
“Why wont you talk to me?” He asked while putting his foot in the door so I cant shut it.
“This is what you wanted. Eric is gone, okay. Know please leave.” I said politely.

“This is not what I wanted! I wanted you to be happy and your not! What can I do?” He asked. I believed he really wanted to help but I had to at least give him a try.

May 26, 2010

Its been about a week and a half since I wrote to you. I’m beginning to forget. About the bad and good of Eric. Brandon helps. Its like he fills the void in my heart. He doesn’t make the hurt go away but I like him. He hasn’t tried anything with me and that makes me feel better. Since it Vacation and he has Foster parents we stay together in my hotel room.
“Good morning gorgeous. I made breakfast.” He said as he pointed to the plate on the kitchen table that had bacon, eggs and toast on it.
“Thanks.” I mumbled under my breath. Having Brandon around made me uncomfortable because I’m not use to him always around me. I think I am going to give up on guys and life. What the point. You always get hurt. It may be fun for a while but it never lasts, so whats the point.

June 8, 2010

Its been a while because I needed to think over what I was going to do. I couldn’t stay here. I needed a change.
“I’m leaving.” I pushed out during diner. He was sitting next to me in front of the tv. He gave me a look. Like he wanted to say what the hell. I want to go away. I cant stay with him. I want to but..... He loves me and I love him.... but not the same way. I cant keep staying. He has hope, that one day I will say those words but.... I cant.
“Jilly don’t say that.” He said. He wiped his face and then stood up.
“I cant stay here with you anymore.” I paused for a second. “When I look in your eyes I see hope that I will someday love you. Brandon please... You have to understand.. I need to go home. I want to stay but I cant see the hope in your eyes when....... I’m not sure it may be fulfilled. I’m sorry.” He went into our room. He laid on our bed. I went in packed up my things then went down to say goodbye to Marty.
“I’m finally leaving.” I told him.
“I’m going to miss you girly.” He said while giving me a hug.
“Thank you for all you have done for me.” I said. He looked my way.
“Stop it. If anything you have helped me. If it wasn’t for you talking to the Mrs. she would have moved out.” He chuckled.
“I’m going home to my Mom and her boyfriend.” I said quietly.
“I know.” He said.
“What?” I asked. How could he know.... I wasn’t sure.
“I’ve seen your picture on the news but didn’t want to say anything because I was your age once and I know what it feels like to just want to get away.” He said. He gave me a kiss on my forehead and whispered goodbye. He turned around and walked away. I’m going to miss him. He was there for me so many times and I could never repay him.
I went back to my room and Brandon wasn’t there. Everything of his was gone except for a note addressed to me.
Jillian My Love,

At this point you have noticed I have left.
I am sorry but I couldn’t see you walk away.
To see you with your back towards me and you leave, to walk out that door, to never come back.
I wouldn’t be able to do that.
I cant say goodbye.
I cant see you leave. I am writing this letter to you to tell you I am sorry.
I know that you will never love me like you love Eric.
I understand that.
I just wanted you to know that I don’t want to hurt you anymore.
Please forgive me.
I love you,
my Jilly.


He is the only one who called me Jilly and when he did a tear rolled down my cheek. In some way I was relieved but he did love me and I threw him away. I couldn’t think of it anymore. I got on my bike and went home. When I got there my Mom ran out with Kyle. She jumped in my arms.
“You’ve come back! I love you! I love you! Don’t ever do that to me again!” She mumbled between squeezing my guts out. When I pulled away I saw something different about her. Kyle put his arm around her and she held her stomach and thats when my suspicious were correct. I couldn’t act mad. I needed to show her I have matured. So I ran to her and congratulated her.
“Oh my. I’m so happy for you guys. Is it a boy or girl?” I asked try to be happy. She was surprised. I guess she would think I would act differently and I wanted to.
“She is a girl. We are going to name her Marie Rae Smith. We want her to have the same last name as you.” Kyle said. He wasn’t a bad guy. I know he wants to move but my Mom deserves to be happy so I will move for her.
“Jill I know you don’t want to move so--” My Mom started to say but I cut her off.
“No! I want to move. I’ve changed my mind. They gave me a very surprised look.
“Okay.” Kyle said. “Then its settled.” He finished. My Mom literally jumped into his arms and they started kissing until he fell but they didn’t stop kissing.
“Thats great well I’m going to be in my room.” I said while grabbing my bags and going to my room. They laughed but hardly even took a breath.

I was going through my bags and I found a picture of Brandon and me. We were at the pool in the back of the Hotel. He was holding me in his arms. That was a really great memory, but he is gone. Then I took out the neckless Eric gave me. I thought about the day he gave me it. It was when we first met. The memories of them were so special to me....... why do I keep pushing them away.....


June 15, 2010

I have been packing for a week. Chicago seems so far away. I don’t want to leave but they have left me and I don’t know what is left for me here.

June 16, 2010

Well I’m finally here. Its a big city. My first day of school is today. At least its some what in the beginning of the year so I’m not that far behind. The girls here seem so mean. In my school there were really no “clicks” so to speak. Here there is clicks. They look at you like your from a different world. I want to be invisible. I don’t want to be the main attention. A group of girls and there boyfriends came up to me.
“Hi. I’m Lauren and this is Chris. And this is Jake and Lindsey. And this is Margot and Kyle. And this is Alexis and Jason. And this is Karen and Aden. And last but not least this is Caleb. You must be Jillian, right?” She asked me. I think they came on too strong. They seemed nice but I was kinda scared how they all had boyfriends.
“Yes.” I answered very nervously.
“Great.” She paused for a while. “Would you like to sit with us for lunch?” She asked.
“Yeah. Sure. Does any of you have Algebra 2?” I asked. They shook there heads.
“We are not that smart.” Lauren said and chuckled then I boy with semi long brown wavy hair came up to me.
“I have algebra 2. Would you like me to walk to class with you?” He asked and I shook my head yes. He was very cute and I remember that Lauren said his name was Aden. When we walked to class he tried to make small talk.
“So why did you move to Chicago?” He asked.
“Mother got a new boyfriend. She is pregnant now and really I just needed to get away.” I paused for a second. “For a while.” I finished. He nodded his head to show that he was still listening. “So why does practically everyone here have boyfriends?” I asked. I knew it was rude but It was bugging me and I wanted to know.
“I’m not sure.” He laughed and so did I then he stopped walking. “Well here we are.” He said pointing to the door labeled math 2. I really liked Aden. He is down to earth and normal pretty much. I sat with them during lunch. I sat next to Caleb and Aden. This school was nothing like mine. I’m use to being the go to girl because no one hated me but now I don’t know anyone.

June 23, 2010

Its been about a week since being in Chicago and I’m beginning to like it. We are all really good friends. Everyone comes to my house about every single day. My room gets so crowded. I hang with Aden and Caleb more than every one else. The girls are really nice. I have grown the closest to Lauren. I’ve told her everything..... Including my past. She’s understanding. Today is the field day. Its a day when everyone goes out side and has to do certain events. Its really funny to watch the other kids do them. Lauren showed me a place where we could hide so we wouldn’t have to do them. It was under the bleachers. When we got there we saw Chris kissing Margot. Lauren flipped. I don’t know how Margot could do this to her. Lauren was so nice to her and Lauren loves Chris. She would jump off a bridge for him.
“Chris? Margot?” Lauren said trying to hold back her tears. Chris turned around from making out with Margot. He knew it was her voice that he heard. He let got of Margot and she fell to the ground.
“Lauren! Its not what it looks like!” Chris started to freak out. Lauren couldn’t take it. She couldn’t look one of her best friends in they eye when she just took her boyfriend. Lauren ran out and sprinted to her car. I chased after her screaming her name. When she got to her car her doors were locked so she tried to put the keys in the door but she dropped them. I had to shake her out of the phase she was in.
“Lauren! Listen to me. It will be okay. You don’t need him. But if you think you feel bad remember we need to tell Kyle.” I tried to calm her down. We both went to go see Kyle. He had a right to know. We found him playing the soccer event. That was his sport and he was so good at it. We called him away from the game and sat with him in the grass. Lauren was first to speak.
“We caught Margot and Chris under the bleachers.” Lauren said to him but he didn’t seem to grasp what she was saying. “They cheated on us, Kyle.” Then he knew what we meant. He put his head on his hand and stood up.
“I’m going to take a walk.” He said and started to kick up the grass and cuss under his breath. I knew he didn’t want any company but he needed someone.
“Kyle, are you okay?” I asked.
“Its okay Jillian, I will be fine.” He was still cussing.
“Your not the only one that was hurt. Lauren knows how you feel. She needs you just as much as you need her.” I told him.
“I know but I am in shock. Just a second a go she was giving me a kiss before my soccer event. I’m going to go to Lauren.” He said and turned away from the walk and ran to Lauren who was still sitting in the grass. I saw him sit down and her lay her head on him and I could see her crying. I feel so bad for her...and him. I suppose that Caleb saw me still walking alone so he ran to keep me company.
“I can’t believe that they would do that to them.” He started the conversation with.
“Yeah. Its so sad.” I told him.
“So, if your not doing anything would you like to go on a-?” Caleb started to say but I cut him off.
“Caleb, please don’t.” I said.
“Oh. Sorry. I just was--” He started to say but I cut him off again.
“Its not that. Its just you know me and understand me. I don’t want to ruin our relationship. A friend I know from my old home and I started to date and we were never the same. I don’t want that to happen to us.” I made it clear. I knew he thought it was ockward but I didn’t know any other way to say it.
“I understand.” He said.
I felt so bad for turning him down but I see how Brandon and I ended and I just couldn’t relive that.
June 24, 2010

So Mom wakes me up today with my favorite cake. Chocolate with cream cheese frosting. I almost forgot it was my birthday. Lauren was with Kyle, my moms boyfriend, and Caleb. I felt so weird because my hair was a mess. I thought it was so sweet that they were all there. I blew out my candles and made a wish. Its been over a month since I thought about Eric but there was something that made me think of him then. At that moment. I wished that I could see him one last time. When I stood up I looked at the doorway and saw him. I ran and he caught me. I hugged him and wouldn’t let him go.
“Eric? Are you really here?” I asked while letting my self to the ground because I guess my weight wasn’t exactly light.
“Yes Jillian. Happy birthday.” He said. Lauren looked my way and smiled. Eric didn’t look very happy. I know when we last talked I didn’t want it to be my last words to him. Eric and my eyes locked. Caleb didn’t look happy but he tried to smile. I knew Caleb wanted me and now he knew one of the reasons why I couldn’t. I seemed like forever since I last saw him and I have thought about this a few times but now that its here I have no idea what to do. I looked away from his eyes. Caleb came up to me and gave me a hug.
“Happy Birthday girl!” He said during the hug. I don’t know why but for some reason I thought he was giving Eric dirty looks over my shoulder.
“So, how bout we go and celebrate. How bout to the beach?” I asked and everyone agreed.
The guys are in the water with my parents and Lauren and I are talking while tanning.
“Whats it like?”She asked me.
“I can’t put it in words.” I said.
“He’s cute.” She stated to break the silence. We both laughed. “Are you two getting back together?”
“No. He left because of Brandon and seeing him now.” I paused. “I don’t know.”
“You know, your mother is the one who called him to come.” She said. I had no idea she was the one who called him. I saw her sitting with Kyle with there feet in the water so I approached them and Kyle knew I needed to talk to her.
“I’m going to get a drink.” He said getting up so we could have privacy.
“Why?” I asked.
“When you came back, you weren’t the same. You weren’t that happy girl I use to know. You need him.” She said. I looked at Eric in the water. He was hanging with Karen, Aden, Jake, Lindsey, Kyle, Alexis, Jason, and Caleb. Laure had already introduced them to Eric so he was getting use to them. He looked happy. I didn’t want to ruin that by being with him again. I got up and sat alone to think. Caleb came over to me.
“You look sad. Whats wrong?” He asked.
“Honestly, I have no idea.” I replied.
“Its Eric. I know you love him. He loves you too. Its okay. You deserve someone special.” He said. I looked at him. I knew this was one of those moment that we would kiss so instead I gave him a passionate hug. I saw Eric watching. He looked like he just got hit with a bus. Caleb went in for a kiss and I couldn’t push him away. That would be too mean. I let him kiss me. I knew I was going to regret it but I did. It didn’t last too long but it did happen and Eric saw. I was surprised. When we pulled away I went in for another kiss. I had no idea what I was doing. We kissed longer that time. Eric came over to break us up because I suppose we were making out.
“Hey Caleb, do you want to play a game of volley ball?” Eric asked looking very jealous. I smiled and touched my lips. I wanted to apologize but I didn’t. I wanted Eric but I just blew it. After I went back to my house Eric stayed there in the guest bedroom. Before I went to bed Eric came to see me in my room.
“Jillian. I’m sorry for leaving.” He said while sitting at the foot of my bed. “Will you give me a second-” I stopped him. I couldn’t let him finish the sentence.
“No.” I said. He wont change. He was right. Brandon would have been better for me but I can’t keep doing this. Caleb and Brandon really love me and I throw them away for Eric, a boy no more than an bump in the road. He couldn’t believe my answer.
“Its Caleb, isn’t it?” He asked.
“No. I can’t keep doing this. Not now. I think you should leave tomorrow.” I said. I knew my Mom was listening at the door because I heard her gasp when I said that. “Goodbye.” I said. He looked me in the eye and said I love you. I saw a tear trickle down his face. Eric went back to his home the next morning. He left before I even woke up. Lauren was still there because she spent the night. We talked in the morning.
“Did he really?” She asked after I told her he asked me to give him another chance.
“Yeah but I said no and told him I thought he should leave tomorrow.” I told her. She stood up and gave me a hug.
“I knew you could do it.” She said.
I still think about his last words to me because they mean so much but all it took was to move to a different place and find real friends that helped me find my way. They taught me I didn’t need a boy friend. All I need is my best friends.

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Tag der Veröffentlichung: 14.06.2011

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