Why

By:zzmbrashear


Its the first day of 5th grade. I sat up front. I know everybody in my grade except for one. He has blond hair. He sat behind me. I noticed he looked at me a lot. At the end of the day when we were stacking our chairs he stacked mine. After a few weeks I asked him to go to the dance with me. He said yes. So we went together and for some reason we had a fight at the dance. I don't remember why. We always had a funny relationship. We always did something to break up but we always came back to each other. We started dating shortly after that. We were on and off for the next three years. We stuck with each other through the tears and laughs. Mark and I never stayed together for very long but when we were together I felt like I could fly and nothing could hold me down.

Mark, my brother Derek, my mom, and my Aunt Lori all went to the circus today. I asked Mark to go and he couldn't at first but then he did. I love spending time with him. He makes me feel like I'm wanted. Through most of the circus we held hands or I had my hand on his arm. We kept taking walks through the hallways so we could be alone. My nephew Kendal went with us too. He is only four. Mark was so nice to him. He acted like he was his own family. We walked through the halls with Kendal and Mark said 'what if people thought he was our kid. Wouldn't that be funny?' Mark was so nice to him and he put his jacket on and chased him around. When we left the circus we went to a store so my Mom could buy something because it was her birthday. So Mark, Derek, Kendal and I walked to Subway. I bought Kendal a sub and Mark and I sat while he ate it. After we went back to the car and it was just Mark, Kendal and I. We sat, we kissed, we hugged. He makes me feel so good. When he left at 10 p.m I went home and went to bed.
Krista keeps asking for Marks number and I gave it to her. I didn't think she liked him because she always says he's so ugly and gross. The next day Mark was joking around he guessed my weight and he guessed around 13 pounds wrong. I pretended I was mad at him but I really wasn't. Since it was April fools day I was going to buy him chocolates and say it was a joke. During school he was sad because I was not talking to him. I started talking to him later that day and he sent me a message that said: Is it okay that we take a break because I like one of your friends and she likes me. I knew it was Krista because she dated Mark before. Yesterday Mark said he loved me and that he doesn't want to lose me. All I could think is that if he didn't want to lose me then why would we break up. I'm okay I guess. I confronted Krista about it and she admitted.
"You like him! After all the pestering to me for dating him you stab me in the back." I told her.
"I didn't go after him because you were dating him and now your not." She said. "Sarah, I didn't want to hurt you."
I wanted to tell her that even though I say its okay I don't mean it. I love him. I like him so much. They started dating not shortly after that. They held hands. They sat together. They kissed. It makes me so mad. I hate Krista so much for this. She should have never even thought about dating him. He had a girlfriend. He was off limits.
Mark doesn't talk to me any more. He doesn't text me or anything. Its bad enough not being his, but not even having him in my life is worse. I can't tell Krista this because I don't want her to know. Krista knew how much I liked him and had the nerve to ask to date him any ways. I told her she could but I didn't mean it. If you date someone and then break up with them then it should be like 2 years before you date them because its not right. God! It makes me so mad. I see them together in school and my heart drops. She had no right. No right. I have been sad lately. I didn't notice it until a bunch of friends asked me about it. I think about him all the time. I always get mixed feelings when I think of Mark. Sometimes I never want to leave his side and others I avoid him but I never, not once, stopped loving him. I tried to not think about him. I tried to keep reminding myself that the pain will pass but it hurts so much. I was talking to my friend Kaleb.
"Sarah, if he broke up with you for her than he doesn't know what he is missing. Don't get your head down. I'm here for you." Kaleb kept reminding me. I liked Kaleb. We dated before but now we are really really good friends. I tried dating other people but I can't feel the way I did with Mark. I don't know what it is. I think that it is because he was my first love. I think that this time is really going to be it and it hurts more than anyone can imagine. I try acting like I'm not mad or sad but it doesn't work very well. I wish everybody could understand what I'm going through. I talked to Mark. I told him how I feel. He didn't say anything. I hurt. I know he doesn't feel the same way. It hurts that the person that I thought was my friend would do this. Mark doesn't deserve me. If he would gamble with our love than it is not worth it. Out there their is someone. Someone who is waiting for me. Life is to short to waste it waiting on someone to never come. As much as I am mad at Mark I will always love him. I hate to admit it but that's how it is. Know matter what he does he is my first love and that's how it will always be.I am young and there are many adventures waiting for me. I will meet someone special and until that happens I will live life. I wills always love Mark and it kills me to not have him. I can remember it like yesterday.
"Sarah, I don't want to lose you. Please I am sorry." Mark texted me that message. I would give anything for him to still think that. While I am hurting Krista is there with Mark not knowing what she is causing. Mark loves her and I hate him for it and I hate her for loving him. I could never admit this to their faces because they both mean to much to me and I wish they could know what they are inflicting on someone. I cant make Mark love me but I would give anything to go back to when he did.
In school I have been so out of it. My math grades have gone down. I try my hardest but he is in the back of my head. Everybody keeps saying I look sick and whats wrong. Honestly, I don’t know. Its like I cant feel. Like I’m emotionless. I think of him.... and her.. together and thats all I feel. Hatred and pain. Its hard to focus and I wish I didn’t love him. It would be so much more easier if I didn’t. Then I wouldn’t get in the middle of them and I could move on, but life is not that easy. There is heart break and love. I have been writing and researching poems and quotes. Here is a few I wrote or found.

I Cry

I Cry For The Time That
You Were Almost Mine
I Cry For The Memories
I’ve Left Behind
I Cry For The Pain
The Lost
The Old
The New
I Cry For The Times
I Thought I Had You

Let Go

There Are Things That
We Don’t Want To Happen
But Have To Accept
Things We Don’t Want To Know
But Have To Learn
And People We Can’t Live WIthout
But Have To Let Go
I hate myself. When I have Mark I don’t want him but when I don’t have him he is all I can think about. I think it might be a good idea to forget about him but... I feel so much for him. I try texting him but he ignores me and Krista acts so happy. I don’t know what to do. Should I forget him and move on or should I wait? But why I should for a guy who picked someone else over me?

You Broke Me
You Built Me
You Tore Me Down
Should I Wait
Or Move Straight On

In school during English class Mark left the room and shut the door and a gust of wind came through the class room. He has a sent. I cant explain it but he does and it gave me chills. After school I saw them kiss. I hate her so much. She took him from me and she had no right. I noticed I have been more moody and less question-ive.
I have decided to forget about him. I see him every period in school. I see him after school and.... I don’t think I can do it. I don’t get why I love him. He bought all his other girlfriends things and never bought me anything. He doesn’t treat me as well as he should be, I don’t have a clue why I love him. I have had boyfriends that bought me things and never forgot anything but I didn’t love them. I never felt the same way. Why cant I feel this way towards a guy that is right to me. Why him? Why now? Why me?
I hate Krista. She stole him from me. I asked him yesterday ‘do you have any feelings for me?’ and he said ‘not really’. That, that made me sad. The thought of all he said to me and the way he said he felt was a lie. That made my heart crumble into a million pieces. I see him everyday. I see them everyday. He said he wanted to be friends. He said he didn’t want me to erase his number but I have to. I cant be his friend and see them together.

Lies

You broke my heart in two
And took me like a bet,
with all you put me through
I have so many regrets.

To lose you was worth it,
although I wasn't sure,
it seemed to make me happy,
but still so insecure.

We always said Forever
we would take it to the end
never give it up
but this time my heart couldn't mend.

It cut so deep into me
I guess it hurt you too
but when you did it, then you lied
I had to say "we're through."

I gave you all I had
I tried to make it last
but now all we have
are memories from the past.

So look me in the eye
and tell me what you see
a girl so broke inside
who's been through misery.

And now I’m moving on
with the pain that kills inside
but I’m starting to forget
by reminding myself, how you lied!

I know there is someone out there for me. Someone who will never let go, and until I find him, I must go through life wondering Why? Why him? Why now? Why me?


Funny how it seemed, I never wished it was you
As years passed by, I grew up to realize that we were impossible
You put me through so many emotions, so many tests
I kept saying "what if" or "what could have been"

It's been years since the first time I felt it calling
And life has been a roller coaster ever since
It's not that you didn't know, or you didn't care
But there was nothing else you could do to make it better

Many times, I prayed you could just disappear into this thin air
I wished you could have walked away forever and never come back
You sounded so concerned about me being even more hurt
And you chose to sacrifice our friendship to save my life

But it was just another empty promise
You said it, you convinced me, and you made me believe
And today you pull me in to the same picture like ever
Trying to get my life to live in a replay



From time to time, I just wished I could put "hate" into my mouth
Or just gather some hatred to erase you from this heart
Could you have been gone since that time
Things would have changed and I would not be writing this now

Leave me once and for all, would you?
Stay away from my life and never called me again
The lost of our friendship would not make much impact on your life
Trust me, losing each other is the best for both of us

Because I hope and I want to wake up one day
Not thinking or even knowing about your existence in this very life

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 05.04.2011

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