Inhalt

The beginning

Here is the first thing I ever wrote about him... When I actually believed everything he said... I now know that everything was a lie...

Maybe it was just a fantasy,

Maybe it was just a dream.

I will never know

But, what I do know is that I am hopelessly in love with you.

Maybe it was just a phase,

I am hoping it isn't.

Hopefully you won't leave me,

Hopefully you mean everything that you say.

You said you want to be with me forever,

Do you really?

I know I want you forever...

I love you...

You're my boy

I would never do anything to hurt you

I care so much about you that it hurts

It hurts to breathe

That's how hopelessly in love with you I am

Every time I get a message

My heart skips a beat

The air is taken from my lungs and I have to catch my breath every time

You make me feel this way My Boy

And I haven't felt this way in awhile

Not since the last one… Months ago

He hurt me

But you fixed me...

I'm not so broken now

I can finally say that I am no longer in love with him

Not since I met you

I fell for you even though I shouldn't have

You had such a way with words

You made me feel like I was the most important person in the world

I want to meet you

I really do

I want to hug, hold, and kiss you so bad

You make me happy Johnny...

Happier than I have ever been...

You're broken

I am too

But I think, with a bit of time, we can help fix each other

And make each other whole again

I will be here to hold your hand when times get tough

I will be here to hold you back when you feel the need to cut

I will be here always and forever to make sure you are happy

I want to keep you happy for as long as I can.

I love you…

I hope you feel the same...

Dear You...

Here's a story, you have never heard. It's the story on you and me.

It wasn't just the way your hands shook as you messaged me back, nor was it the way you could never look me in the eyes while speaking to me.It was the way you coughed while you took drag after drag on that cigarette that blunt, that whatever that was in your hand. I admired the way you still talked to me even when you were half stoned, even when you were so high that you couldn't see straight. I love that about you, no matter what you always talked to me. Even when your family was being loud and annoying you always found the time to say something to me, no matter what it was. We haven't done that in over a month. I haven't heard your actual voice since may, and it kills me, I would have heard it in June, yet I was in school and couldn't answer the call, I still believe that if I answered that call, you would have never gone to the place you did, you would have never had to leave the boys home, you would still have your tablet at your disposal, you wouldn't have wanted to go to the hospital... and I probably wouldn’t blame myself for you jumping out of that window. We had a fight, you left super pissed at me and I didn't try and stop you from leaving... I apologized multiple times for yelling at you that day, the last thing you said that day was, "I love you, bye" I knew something was wrong, I should have tried to make you stay a bit longer, maybe then you wouldn't have jumped, and maybe I wouldn't be writing this speech, explaining myself and how I think it's my fault, you didn't message me for a week, I was so worried, I texted saying I was having a mental breakdown and all that you said was, "Don't, please" a week later, I cried, I told you that you scared me, you asked why, I said I thought something bad happened, and that is when you told me about you jumping out of that window... I cried even harder as I wrote back, I was panicking, yet you were so calm, you kept telling me you were okay, and I believed it, every time you said it. You calmed me down so much, you were so sweet, you said I love you twice in one message and I think my heart melted reading it. I love you... and I always will...

Addicted...

This is dedicated to you

Yes, you

Once again

You are like nicotine

And I’m the addict

Whenever you come around, I get more and more addicted

I smoke you every time

And it just keeps getting worse

You left me, when I needed you most of all

You were gone for 2 weeks before messaging me to end it

Saying you can’t handle it

Yet here I am, still addicted to you

And I think I always will be

Life

I loved the way you looked at me

The way your eyes lit up every time you saw me

But now, they don't have that same spark in them like they once did

They don't have that spark anymore

They look dull and lifeless looking at me through the phone

Like you are haunted and you are just breathing

Like you don't have any control over you own body

You are just living, waiting for the day you die like life is such a bad thing

When it only wants to be here and alive

In a soul that doesn't want to live

Us as suicidal kids, we don't want to live

But our life does

And when we end it, it's just over

In reality, nobody will miss your life, but they will miss you

You as a person

And if that doesn't sadden you, nothing will.

You...

Why? Just why? Why do you make me feel this way? You make me feel so important, you make me feel loved, yet you end it, just like that? You are every wish I have ever had, everything I have ever wanted and I can't let you go... I keep taking drag after drag of you, and I can't stop, I just can't... I love you... You say you love me, even when you left, you keep saying I love you to me, and I say it back, yet sometimes, I don't think you mean it.

Heartbroken..

You messaged me today

When I saw you active, my heart died a bit

Because you are alive

When I thought you weren't

But there you were

I have no idea where you were

I asked if you hated me

You said no

And that we needed to talk

So we talked, yet I am still sad about you

I didn't remember our would have been 3 months on the 16th

I think that is a sign that I am letting you go

And hopefully that is what this is

Because I can't go on loving someone who doesn't love me back

Last time you messaged you said you were gonna come back to me

Yet, when you messaged today you said you weren't ready

That you couldn't come back

And I took that as you are never coming back

Hopefully we can still be friend's

Hopefully you'll message me every once in awhile

Just to ask how I'm doing

Or to tell me how you are doing

I still want that at least

And if it doesn't happen?

Then it's your loss

You say that you don't think you are right for me

Yet, you are the only one I want

Not much anymore since what happened before

But when I see your name on my screen my heart skips a beat

So I know you will still have that effect on me

You say you aren't the right one when you are

I can see a future with you

But, obviously you can't see that like I can

And that makes me sad...

Because I truly love you...

Yet you don't love me the same way...

Him...

I can finally say, that I am still in love with you, you say that you hate me, yet you love me at the same time... How does that work... I am being nice saying I love you too, but I can never bring myself to say the words, "I hate you too.." in the conversation, when it is so easy for you to say it to me, and it hurts to know that you hate me, yet you can never say, "I hate you" to your Aunt, but you can say it to me and expect me to still say I love you back... which is what I will do, until the day I don't anymore, which is the day I am waiting for, badly... I'll finally be able to say "I hate you" back to you, because I no longer love you, but until that day comes, I will love you...

To the boy I once loved...

To the boy I once loved:

I am still sad

I am still going to write about you

Even though you have no right to be able to still have power over me

You have no right to even still be in my life after the pain you have caused me

I still say I love you even when you are a complete dick to me

I still say I love you even when my heart is breaking as you say the words "I hate you" to me over and over again

And honestly, I believe those words coming from you

I believe you do hate me

Even if you say you are just kidding

I still believe that you hate me

Even just the smallest bit

You hate me

Yet I love you...

And it's not fair

At all

You have no right to still have any part of my heart after the pain you have caused me by loving you...

Dear you...

I hate you...

You keep saying you hate me, then you say you love me... So which one is it? Because as of right now, I would accept either answer, as long as you tell me the truth, and you don't keep giving me the message of, "Go away, come here, go away, come here…”

I miss you...

I miss you

I miss you, and I don't know why

I hate that I miss you like this

Yet, I do

And I can't help it

It isn't your fault that I miss you

It is my own

I got too attached to you when you didn't

You can easily forget about me

But I can't forget about you...

You were everything to me

I fucking love you

I still do

And that won't change

One day...

Maybe one day

I will be able to go 5 minutes without thinking about you

Because I know that you don't think about me during the day, like I do with you

I think about you when I'm sad,

Or whenever I see something that reminds me of you

I think about you whenever everything in life is going great

And sometimes I can go a good 20 minutes without you

The only time I get a break from you is during sleep

Which is rare nowadays

And even when I do manage to sleep

I find myself dreaming of you

I find myself daydreaming over something that will never be

And I couldn't be any sadder about that fact...

I love you...

I feel like you don't like me anymore
What else would it be?
You can physically look at me and not smile, when I breakdown smiling when you look at me
And I hate that
I think you think I'm ugly or something
Because you sent sick emoji's when we were video chatting and I apologized saying I'm sorry that my face makes you sick
You didn't say no it's not you, you're beautiful
No, you just hung up
And I think a bit of me died when that happened
Because that is the moment I knew, you aren't coming back
And I have to live with that knowledge for the rest of my life
Until I find someone who will actually love me for who I am
You say you love me for me, yet I don't feel it
Like at all
You said I love you
I said it back
But I don't feel that you actually mean it
You are just saying it to say it
But, I mean it
Every time that I say it to you
I love you
But you don't love me...

Hate me

This is to you

Yes you

The one who says they hate me

Then says they love me seconds later

I can't bear to see you do this

Yet I let you do it...

And I have no idea why

You are every emotion running through my head

And every ache I feel in my body

All in one

When you called today

I couldn't stop smiling, and I hate that

I hate that you make me feel this way

When I know I don't make you feel the same way...

I hate knowing the fact that one day, you won't be there to make me smile

You will stop talking to me like all the rest

You will stop caring

You will stop saying I love you

And eventually you will stop saying you hate me

Even when it means the world to me and more when you say you hate me

Because I feel like I finally know what you think about me

And it hurts

I lay here crying, knowing that a small portion of you might actually hate me

And I can't bear to see that

So I will build my walls up

And I won't let others in

Until I can finally kick you out of my walls

And build a barrier between us

Where the feelings I had for you will lie to rest

Once and for all

Goodbye...

Here

A letter to you

Once again

I messaged you today

Even though you haven't been on messenger in a week

I am starting to think that you have actually managed to kill yourself

And I know it is not my fault

Yet I feel that it is

You said you hate me

That you never want to talk to me again

Then you said just kidding

And then you left me on read

So here I am

Believeing that you actually never want to talk to me again

Since that is what you said

So goodbye...

Crush

When I was with you, I felt complete

Like nothing could ever go wrong in life

Yet now, here without you, I am at a complete loss of words, emotions, feelings.

I fucking miss you

Yet, you could care less

You haven't messaged me in almost a month

The end of August was the last time...

This is September now...

Our would have been 4 months would have been on Sunday

Yet, you're gone

These days and weeks have gone by so slowly without you

I have lost all motivation to keep trudging on

But, there's this boy

He's in one of my classes

I like him

A lot

I hope it's not obvious

But, every time I look at him, i can't help but smile

He just has that effect on me I guess

You were the only other person that made me feel like that...

He talks to me a lot in class

Like he is actually interested in talking to me

We make tons of jokes and it is a great time

Yet, I don't believe he realizes that behind the laughter is a huge crush

And hopefully, he doesn't find out soon, because what if he doesn't feel the same?

I will have him knowing I have a crush on him every day until the end of the year...

Him..

I like you. Yet, you don't know. Only my best friend knows. No one else. You kept touching my shoulder in our class together. You came up behind me in the hall as I was walking with my best friend, we were holding hands. You grabbed my hand and we walked down the hall like that together. My best friend, you, and I walked to lunch holding hands. I think my breath caught in my throat as your fingers laced with mine. But maybe it was just the chest pains... (It wasn't)

Breathless

You called me babe today. I couldn't help but do a double take. I couldn't believe it, you actually called me that. I like you, yet you don't know it. Still.

You

My mother is convinced you like me. My sister said it's possible. She's friends with him, she knows him very well. Maybe it's true. She said he has a weird way of showing it, like he'll act like we are great friends, which he does. So maybe...

Him

He knows. He knows i like him, yet still nothing. We are still great friends, that hasnt changed. Thank god. My friend keeps asking why are we not dating, i just look at my crush and ignore the question. He asked the question yesterday, my crush said "yeah, why aren't we" i just laughed. Today, he said what about his question, why aren't we. I acted clueless, yet i knew what he was talking about. One day...

You

You say i don't care... You're wrong hun...

Perfect

Today, 4th hour, sitting there with you, looking at memes in my gallery was the best thing today. We laughed until it hurt, until the teacher had to tell us to be quiet. You took my phone and went through each meme, each folder, you found pictures of me and asked, "that's you?" i said yes. "Why edit the photos, you don't need to" i died. He came across one picture, i like it it says 'im trash" and i said it out loud, "you're not trash, you're perfect" was his response... He said my smile was beautiful the day before, today it was that i am perfect. I gave him a look and was like yeah right. He sighed and continued looking at pictures of me.

Dreams

Last night, i dreamt of you. I know, crazy. A normal school day, except flirting, lots of it. From you, and me. Which isn't really much different but in real life its not obvious. The dream, it was. You said I love you to me. I said it back and it was lile it was offensive, like you didn't expect me to say it back. Like you thought i was joking. I wasn't

Amazing

I came to school. You were there of course. I sat down, your contact was bugging you so you had your eyes closed, i asked what was wrong, contact was all that you said. You asked me how I was, i said tired. You said, " you don't look tired" i said i look like trash. You said, " no, you look amazing" and smiled. My heart died

Date

First hour, today. We had a test, speaking french. After we all went we sat there. You in front of me, another friend next to me. The friend asked if we were together. You said yes, we are. Yet, we're not. You said we are and my heart skipped a beat. We're going on a "date" next week to see a movie with my sister and her date. He asked my sister what if him and i became a thing. She said she didn't care, she wouldn't mind. He smiled, i laughed.

I can't miss you

You

You are always there

In the back of mind

Buried deep in the confines of where I keep my feelings and thoughts

Over, and over, and over again

Day, after day, after day for days on end

I am always thinking about you, at night when I can’t sleep, you are always there, on my mind, When you are not thinking of me, I’m certain you are not

You had the biggest impact on my life

You were my comfort, the person I could run to when I was crying my face off

You calmed me when I was in the middle of a breakdown, anxiety attack, whatever

You were there every day until you were not

I can’t believe that I am saying this but sometimes I think I miss you…

I can’t miss you anymore even though you say every once in a while, “I miss you…”

I just can’t

I can’t

Can’t...

New boy

A new boy has come into your life

long distance once again

You have no clue where he lives yet you somehow feel that it is long distance

he's falling for you even though you may not feel it

He keeps saying i love you and all you do is laugh

because how could a boy ever be in love with you

you can't even love yourself

you tell yourself you need to find someone that can love you the way you need to love yourself

But the boy that you fancy right now

this boy that you know nothing about

is just like your ex

The one most of these poems are about

he's not exactly like him but it's shocking the similarities

but that is what you are attracted too

November 4th, 2018 11:20 PM

This isn't being up late, it's not even midnight yet. But, here you are, on the phone with a boy you feel yourself falling in love with. You just hope that he feels the same towards you. But how can he? He keeps telling you he loves you and you think 'How can this boy be so in love with a broken person? How can he love someone that can't even love herself?' You tell yourself over and over again that you need to find someone that can love you the way you need to love yourself. Is he the one? Or is this just another thing that will eventually end. Hopefully not, but, who knows? You keep telling yourself that he means it even when he doesn't message you for hours on end. You know why he doesn't but you still get nervous. You feel like he's just gonna become a memory. You keep wondering if the senior you see yourself with years later is the one. You can see him everyday at school, yet you are so afraid of falling in love with him because you see him everyday. What if something happens and he suddenly hates you... You couldn't bear to see that happen because you are really close with him. He yells at you for talking to your exes saying he would never continue to talk to them. You're afraid that is what is gonna happen. Please, just don't be scared to fall in love with an idea that seems so nice. Because you haven't had someone that you could see everyday in so long. Only these internet boys that are doomed from the start. Please don't let them break you again sweetheart. Your heart is gold and I would hate to see you waste it on a lost cause.

Novermber 5, 2018... 4:56 PM

Today you broke the news to the boy from last night that you cannot handle the relationship. He is only worried about sex and you know this. So why are you sitting here, typing about it like it is the worst thing ever? Maybe it's because he became a dick the minute you said that you couldn't be in a relationship with him. That was the moment you found out that he doesn't give a damn about you. He only wanted sex. He asked if you were okay, you said no, he asked why, you gave him a list of 6 things. He only took into account the things that applied to him. You said you wanna be friends. He told you everything will be okay, then turns around and says that it won't be. Don't believe him hun. It will be. Just not right now.

Friend Zone

Today, at lunch. I told you how someone in the lunch line hit me in the ass with theirs. You laughed and ass tapped me quickly with your hand and turning away as if you didn't do a thing. I looked at you and laughed. We were making jokes about you being a daddy and you asked, "is that why we can't date?" I laughed and died on the inside a bit. I yelled no at the top of my lungs at lunch when you said this. I got up to stand around the corner and you said, "sorry Hannah, we can only be friends." I died a bit on the inside at that. I saw Zach, a great friend of mine and grabbed his hand. Realizing I had left you behind I turned around and yelled at you to grab my hand. Zach, you, and I walked to the stairs holding hands. You followed us up the stairs, you called me mommy which I loved. I told you to get on your knees for me. You almost did but a teacher was standing there, so you didn't. You hugged me before 2nd hour and it felt so nice the protective hug with your arms wrapped around me. I breathed you in before you left. You held on for a good minute or 2 before leaving. You touched my ass, then friend zoned me. A great day indeed.

Like back

Today in French, I felt the bottom of my stomach drop so far into my shoes that there was no way they were coming out of there anytine soon. You confessed. You walked into it. We were learning how to talk about our likes and dislikes in french. the question was what do we like, we were working together you and I, you put down on your paper Hannah likes Jon I told you to keep it, you did. So i put Jon likes on my paper and I asked what do you like

You got so embarrased. Your face turned bright read and you kept saaying uhhhhh you took my paper and wrote in very small letters. if I read it correctly which i am most certain I did, it said my name. Hannah in very small letters

you were so embarrased that I knew, you were even embarrassed when our friend said that we need to date since we both like each other

you were sitting down I was standing next to you, you had your arm around my waist and I looked at you

You moved your hand lower so it was near my ass and I died and walked away

you pulled me back to you and put your arm around my waist again and wouldn't let me walk away.

A girl I used to be good friends with asked if we were dating I just said totes even though we are not

your face turned read and I died

I'm sorry

I'm sorry mom, dad. I'm sorry I'm not the good child or the most intelligent, but it's your fault. You didn't care enough. Why do you think I don't mean it when I say I love you?

Cute

You finally got a phone that you are able to text on, you gave me the number and I wasn't able to text you right after school like I originally wanted to. It was late in the evening, I texted you, you responed rather quickly. We talked for a good hour straight and as the night went on, it was less and less frequent with our family time that needed to be spent, dinner needing to be made and eaten, and showers that needed to be taken. In the process of this, you asked how I was, I told you the truth saying I was a bit sad and tired, you asked why was I sad and I said not really big reasons, I asked how you were, denying your emotions was the response. I was like w h a t. You said I'm talking to a cute girl but still am denying emotions. You then described the girl, you were talking about me. My heart died a little because you were being cute.

November 24th, 2018. 8:31 pm

We have been texting for awhile now, it goes really well. We were talking about some pretty personal things together, you didn't text me the entire next day after that besides late that night, when I was already asleep. I got so scared and panicked, thinking you were leaving. You texted me this afternoon and we're okay. Flirting with you is the best part, you admit that you like me, you call me cute, beautiful, sexy. I called you cute for the first time, you insulted yourself and we promised each other we wouldn't insult ourselves. It's so good.

December 6th, 2018 3:40 p.m

I haven't been on her in a while so I decided to give a quick update. School has been going well. My crush is still here. I still like him, he still likes me. He asked me out today, at least, i think he did. I was walking to lunch, I got on the stairs and he ran up behind me, scaring me a bit. He told me that since i like him and he likes me that we should be dating. I said uh, yeah. He said, "will you be my girlfriend?" I died a bit on the inside, still am a bit. I can't determine if he was joking or not, but if he isn't then sdfiadhrgfng. I'm happy for once. I told my gay best friend that he possibly asked me out and he got so excited. I was walking to the buses with my said boyfriend and a good friedn of mine is walking that way so we walk with him. he hit me with the stick he was holding, it kinda hurt so I said ow, My said boyfriend switches sides and slaps my friend and tells him not to do that, while putting his arm around my shoulder. We're kinda awkward as of right now because I'm pretty sure that I am the first girl he has somewhat asked out and I kinda like it.

December 7th, 2018

Well, we are dating. it is official. I was a bit confused on whether or not we were because he didn't say anything about it this morning until first hour when he said 'my girlfriend' to this person in that class with us. He told a couple other people too, one of them got really excited and screamed, "REALLY?" it was great. He's great. That's it. :)

December 20th, 2018 3:37 P.M

It's been a minute since I have been on here, so here's a quick update. I'm still with my boyfriend. He's still the best person I have ever met, he is so funny and treats me well so I am pretty happy in this relationship. He hasn't tried to do anything with me, he holds my hand and hugs me too. Nothing else. My friend keeps calling him a whore and I yell at her to stop. He's pretty much my best friend since she left. I'm pretty sad with some things, nothing specific, just depressed I suppose. He makes it somewhat bearable though. We talk less and less frequent. I haven't seen you since you left school and it kinda sucks but you left on your own terms. Can't do anything but respect your choices at this point. I saw you once in the back of your dad's car one day when I was walking, your sister pointed me out, you looked, then looked away without even a simple wave. You tell me about seeing other people you know and you get all happy about it, but you saw me and there was no happiness. Just anger.

January 2nd, 2019, 9:10 P.m

Happy late new year to everyone who still bothers to read this rant book. This book has changed over the past few months and I am pretty grateful for that change at least. At the beginning of this book, it was simply about a boy that I was still in love with that left me because of his own issues. I didn't see that at the time. I came to learn with that relationship that he was cheating on me for a great part of it and that left me feeling worthless, along with his constant struggle with self-harm and depression. I am not saying this to sound rude, I suffer from depression and I self-harmed myself once upon a time, it just made me feel like I was doing something wrong, like I wasn't enough, that he wasn't happy with me. He went to juvie while we were together and I should have left him right then. For a while there, I thought we were broken up, so I was talking to another person whose name is not relevant at this time. He soon came back and told me we were still together, I panicked and freaked out, I didn't know what to do. After he got out, as time went on, he got worse and worse. He called me names, blocked me, said he hated me, and tried to break up with me a time or two, and then ran right back and apologized. I allowed it to happen, I did that to myself, so can't blame anyone but myself. Once I started sophomore year, things got better. I met a new guy at school, he's only a year older than me and he's a senior. (i'm supposed to be a junior but I started school late because of my birthday) We have first hour together, that's how we met. As time went on, I started to gain feelings for this boy. I didn't tell him about them until my friend threatened to tell him if I didn't. So, I told him. More time went on and he slowly gained feelings for me. We both liked each other for a couple months until he finally got up the courage to ask me out in december. We are still together as of today, and it is wonderful. We didn't get to spend new years together because of many reasons but he texted me and said happy new year. He apologized for not being able to be my new year's kiss. I told him it was okay. I go back to school tomorrow after being off since a few days before christmas so I am excited to see him. Hopefully he will hug me because I have missed them terribly. Well, I guess this is enough ranting for one night. XO

January 6th, 2019, 5:47 P.M

Its been a few days since I have been here, i have not been in a very good place for the last few days. I just today decided to get up and actually do something besides sit and watch crime shows. I don't have anything to complain about today, it has been an okay day. Today is mine and my boyfriend's one month so I am pretty happy with life as of right now. I just today decided to do my laundry and wash my hoodie's and jeans for school tomorrow so yay me! Right now I am doing my geometry homework and am trying submit my art project that I just finished a few days ago. It was due last semester, but my art teacher said we didn't need to worry about turing it in because it wasn't part of first semesters grades so oh well. I've been really tired these past few days seeing that I do not sleep well at my parents house for some reason. Just don't feel safe I suppose. My parents are supposed to be moving soon so hopefully I will start sleeping better at their new place. Hopefully. Well, I guess that is all for now. I'll update in a few days.

January 13th, 2019 1:53 P.M.

I don't really know how to explain this. This feeling in my head. Nothingness. Nothing is there. No thoughts or emotions. I can certainly feel things, yet I can't at the same time. So, what is this? Can someone explain?

January 14th, 2019 3:15 P.M

I am a side effect, a failed science experiment, a grenade, if you will. Inner demons take up most of my being. Not the good ones. The bad ones. In my head, thousands of things, noises, voices. All telling me many things, some good, some bad, "you are not enough" "you are worthless" "no one cares" "no one loves broken things." My words may be vague. They will never live up to the power of yours. But mine tell a story that some people may not see. No, I am not on the verge of suicide, nor will I be ever. But, there are times, when I feel so worthless that I consider it. Day and night. Daytime more than nighttime. At night, sleep. In the day, I am awake. It's harder to escape when I am not asleep. But, at night, I find myself waking up randomly, I tell others it's nothing,"just nightmares." But the only nightmare I am awaking from is myself. I am scary enough. I cannot put into words what I feel inside. I cannot describe it, because I do not understand it. The feeling of emptiness, numbness, in my head has been there since I was 11. It hasn't faded, it has just gotten stronger. I don't feel things like others, I don't cry because I pity myself, that I think the most awful things about myself and breakdown. I cry because others have torn me down. Others have corrupted me into not loving myself. I am learning, yet it is a slow process. I may not ever get to the point where I would consider it self-love. I remember hating myself at the age of 9. When a boy whose name will never be relevant, called me ugly when I was only in 3rd grade. At 8, my dad yelled the words, "I didn't want you, neither did your mother, we tried to get rid of you." Those words have haunted me ever since. I have not forgotten dad, nor will I ever. My memories as a child have been corrupted, blocked out by only screaming and criticism. The criticism from my mother, my father, my sisters, classmates. This was all happening until the age of 12. When I got my first electronic device where I could message and write freely about how I was feeling. Yet, when I wrote my inner most thoughts, my sister's ex girlfriend found it and showed it to my sister and I was screamed at, blamed for being depressed, kicked out of the only healthy environment I have ever known. This left scars, not physical ones, mental ones. They will stay with me until I am no longer breathing. The most traumatic event was when my father went to prison about 3 years ago. The cops raided my house, went through my personal belongings looking for something that was not in that house in the first place. I got super depressed, crying every night, not sleeping. This still affects me to this day. The scars... all of them are there. Out of sight, no one knows. When I was 14, I started taking an interesting attraction to boys. Internet boys of course. When I was 15, I met some truly amazing boys that made me feel so good. One of them dumped me after 3 days because he felt he wasn't good enough. I cried for that entire night and most of the next day. My old friends ex boyfriend noticed I was crying and asked why. I told him and he said it was silly. In 2018 I met another boy that I write about from time to time. I'm not going to mention his name, but he wasn't an ideal person for me to be with. He was abusive, lets just say that. He didn't treat me the way I needed to be treated. If I am honest, he made me cry more than any other person I knew at that time. He finally left me after being gone for 2 weeks. We were together for over 2 months, yet he was gone more than he was there so I would say just under a month would be a more accurate time frame. Inner feelings with that relationship, I ended up hating myself more and more after that. All the self-love and self-confidence I built before that disappeared. I wasn't in a good state of mind. I wanted to die most of the time, like he did. I had little support from my guy best friend and he stayed and talked to me until my dad came home and I wasn't by myself anymore. To make sure I didn't do anything. So did my girl best friend. She was there until I said my dad was home, when ̛ wasn't alone anymore. I still have the feelings. Of self-hate, loathing, wanting to die. I still find myself worthless, but I am slowly getting to an okay state of mind. Sorry for the depression, just needed to vent a bit. :)

January 19th, 2019 7:46 P.M

I have to give a quick update, I have been very tired lately and only want to sleep, so nothing new. My boyfriend is amazing. He is so sweet. He treats me well and finds me adorable so it's good.

January 25th, 2019 8:54 p.m

An update? My mom read one of the things I wrote and started crying and wouldn't talk to me for 2 days. I dressed like a girl for school today and my boyfriend almost passed out so that was pretty great. Nothing new really.

February 2nd, 2019 8:58 P.M

I haven't been able to get on in a few days. My family is in the process of moving right now so I've been helping them. Nothing's really changed. I was forced to stay home on Friday to help move stuff from our old house but we barely moved anything so I didn't see a point in staying home and missing school. I didn't get to see my boyfriend either so that sucked. I'm okay though.

February 19th, 2019 2:59 P.M

Hopefully this satisfies you love, I let go, there's someone better that actually cares about things that you didn't. Hypocrite? yes, you can call me that, it is so obvious it is true. Yet, the definition of Hypocrite is this, a person who indulges in hypocrisy. Here's a sentence: "the story tells of respectable Ben who turns out to be a cheat and a hypocrite" Some of the synonyms are humbug, pretender, deciever, dissembler, or impostor. Now, once again love, hypocrite? Yes, you could say this about me. Yet, I don't pretend or decieve people. Most of the time I am self-centered, i care about myself sometimes but, isn't everyone supposed to? yes, useless was used, both to describe me and you love. i've let go, it's done. Goodbye once again.

February 26th, 2019 9:10 p.m

Sick, that's the word to use. I have been so sick for the last 4 days, I'm slowly getting better. My boyfriend is worried. My mom started worrying today. My friend called me crying because of a stupid boy. A person I used to know dated him as well. She's currently dating him and is so very sad about him. I don't know what to do to help. I just feel awful.

Candles

That's the comparison. You're a candle, you're warm, you smell good most of the time, and you burn if someone gets too close. I like candles, but you're a scent I could live without.

February 28th, 2019 8:17 a.m

Spiraling downwards

Words mean nothing

They don't hurt

Shhh

Tired

Stop

Please

Useless

Words left unsaid

Songs

Sad

Blue

Panic!

My chemical romance

Billie Eilish

Guardin

Worthless

Child

Thanks

love

Fyzjfuxyb

Idontwannabeyouanymore

March 2nd, 2019 2:05 p.m

I am so very tired. I haven't slept much in the past few days. I tried to take a nap but I just found myself laying there, tossing and turning. My biology grade is slowly falling, along with my English grade as well. Biology is easy if you think about it, I just failed our quiz we had and I have no idea why. Im considering tutoring, but I don't think it will help. I haven't been myself lately, I've been so sick. Im just tired I suppose.

March 4th, 2019 8:02 p.m

I have a job interview tomorrow. It will be my first one so I'm excited and nervous all at once. I want it to go well but I'm not getting my hopes up too much since I might not get the job. Hopefully I will, it will be a big help to me honestly, getting out of my house more often so I don't sit and think too much. Wish me luck. Hopefully everything goes okay.

March 6th, 2019 2:43 p.m

I got the first interview done at the place I applied, that went pretty okay I think seeing as I got a second interview with the same place with the actual job manager, so im pretty happy. Hopefully I get this job because it would be such a big help. Wish me luck.

March 7th, 2019. 9:02 a.m

I'm pretty sure I got the job :) I go back in on Friday at 3 for training and uniform assignment I'm pretty sure. They said I just need 2 forms of ID then and I'll be good. I'm pretty excited.

March 7th, 2019. 3:21 p.m

I'm sad. I feel like I'm overreacting, yet not at the same time. My boyfriend decided to do something really stupid and hurtful with me sitting right next to him. He looked at me, there was no remorse until I reacted to what he did. He started apologizing, yet how could I forget him instantly? I wish I could text you and talk about it, yet I have no idea what your reaction would be to me even sending a text. I'm so confused and so sad. Some of the people in my 8th hour say I should dump him. It's not just the fact of what he did today, it's the fact he is constantly making me feel insecure and like I'm not good enough. Like I'm just an object because he's the boy and I'm the girl. He makes me feel stupid most of the time. But yet he constantly compliments me saying I'm pretty. How could I believe him now? The other girl is way more attractive than I am, believe me. Of course he'll look at her and want to touch, yet right next to me? It would be wrong to do it when I'm not around, yet even worse when I witness it. Am I overreacting? I'm just so confused.

March 8th, 2019 9:08 p.m

I can't take back the things I said. I messed up big time. You're right, I'm being childish. You're always right love...

March 18th, 2019 9:35 p.m

Im so tired, yet i can't sleep. My boyfriend said he loved me over spring break and I almost died. He walked me home from school today and it was amazing. He met my dogs, he kinda freaked out when one of them licked his teeth but he was okay with it. He met my mom for the first time and that went okay. She hasn't said anything about it so hopefully she liked him.

April 1st, 2019 10:12 p.m

I am so very tired. I haven't been sleeping much since I started my new job. Also since I left my boyfriend. I broke up with him for a variety of reasons, none of which I want to share on here. I am hurt over it, and I was the one who left him. I was finally able to buy a new keyboard and mouse for my computer at home so i can type off my computer and not from my phone or tablet. I made around 60 dollars in tips over the last three days at work so I am pretty happy about that. I have been so unmotivated to do much of anything as of recently. I have just been watching old Disney shows and movies that I used to love and secretly still adore. I have a couple of days off from work so I am going to use that time to cuddle with my dog. I haven't gotten to see for very long in the last few days because of work and school. I'm very stressed and need a break from everything. Welp, i guess back to old shows. :)

April 12th 2019, 11:28 p.m

I broke up wjth my boyfriend. About 2 weeks ago. He refuses to look at me or speak to me. He only says something when we're partners in French. I asked how he was the other day and he was a cuck and said "why do you keep asking" I'm like maybe I actually care about you ?

I'm sad about it, I might always be, yet he just wanted sex. Like the rest..

April 23rd

Oh, how I miss you...

Don't

You liked my hair long. You didn't want me to cut it off because my hair was the prettiest thing about me. I'm sorry, I broke my promise.

Firsts

Real first sexual experience yesterday. Does that make you think less of me? Let me say this, no, we didn't have sex, we both wanted to but we were scared. Besides, it really hurt. He gave me some fat hickeys though. I left a couple more to add to the collection.

May 20th, 2019

Sex. It's a simple thing really. Body parts go into other parts whether it's wanted or not. I had sex today, for the first time. Let me just tell you, it wasn't some grand thing, that's for sure. It wasn't bad, it wasn't rushed, it was just sex. It was good, I would say. He was gentle. It would have happened earlier in the day but my mom called before anything happened. We went back to my house from his. After a while we went back to his. We laid on his couch, my head was in his lap, it was grand. All of the sudden he started kissing me, I kissed him back, he started touching me so we went to his room and it happened. It wasnt fast, it was slow. It was good.

I love you

Its been a month since I got back with my boyfriend, it's been grand, he's been my first everything really, my first kiss was trash and I didn't want him so I count my boyfriend as of now as my first kiss, my first real love honestly. I never want it to end, I adore him...

You're right

You're right, I'm wrong, as always...

You matter, you always will

I don't have the answers, at least not right now

June 26th, 2019

No, I haven't fogotten. We may not be friends anymore, but I have not forgotten your big day. I just want to tell you happy birthday. You're 16, I wonder if you are going to throw a big party like some people do, yet you are not just those some people, you are a quiet person, never liked much attention. Maybe you will go and take your driving test, I really hope you pass. Then you can go and do all the things you said you wanted to do. Maybe you will pass your GED test at 17 and go and live with your friend in Indiana. Happy Birthday.

July 26, 2019

I'm sorry...

August 18th, 2019

Today was okay, until around 5 p.m.

Today is the day I lost one of my greatest friends

Not a human friend, a dog friend

He died today, I've had him since I was 3

I'm almost 17 now...

It hurts...

It's never going to be the same...

I love you...

Goodbye...

Favoritism

She's your favorite, I already know. I don't need any hints to figure that one out. I simply asked to spend the night at someones house and you said no because i'm only 17. Yeah, a boys house, my boyfriend's house, who cares!? I'm 17, the legal age of consent in Missouri, so why not?

Then I learn that my sister gets to stay at her boyfried's house tonight against my father's wishes of her not doing so.

I said, how is that fair to me?

"She's 18." "He only said that for last weekend." Were the responses I got.

So, thanks mom.

I've done a lot for you and when I simply ask to spend the night at a person's house, you say no.

She's you favorite, don't lie.

October 6th, 2019

I miss you...

December 29th, 2019

Is it bad to miss you? Because I do. You were my best friend for so long, it just became a routine to talk to you. We haven't talked in months and it feels like years. Not having someone to explain everything in your head who will understand, who will get it because they know what it feels like. Because they have been there themselves. I realize I was a terrible friend, I hurt you many times and each time you let me back in, with a few more guarded walls around you. I understand, I do. I miss you...

December 29th, 2019 part 2

You deserve closure. I agree with you. There were a couple of reasons why i hurt you the way I did. First, I didn't realize what I was doing. I was so consumed in my own self hatred that at that point, I didn't care if you got hurt too. I hate that I hurt you, I hate myself for hurting you that way. Another reason, I told the person the things that I did because at that point, I thought we were all still friends, even though you had made it clear you wanted nothing to do with them. I thought that you were going to forgive them and we would all be a little group again, but no, I was wrong. You were always trying to get through to me but I didn't want to hear what you had to say even though it was all true, I was an awful friend to you then. I loved you, I really did. I still do honestly. You were the only person I really truly trusted and I broke that trust so many times and you still somewhat forgave me. I didn't deserve your forgiveness because Everytime, I was still a bad friend. I understand everything I did and I am so sorry, you didn't deserve any of it, you were a really good friend to me, you cared about my feelings. I miss you.

random writings

Here is just some of the writing that I have done for English assignments. They're not great, but I thought they are worth sharing.

This is what happens when you fall too quickly (fiction):

Oh, love,

How foolish you can be

Do you think that I love you?

You’re as gullible as a dog.

Those are all the things he said to me before I died.

We were a casual couple,

No drama, no hate, just a couple.

Then one day, he changed

It was like the weather, unpredictable and mean

That is what he became anyway

Through I love yous

Through dates

All of it with hate

He hated me

Or at least, that is how it felt to me

At first, he was sweet

Compliments were an every minute occurrence

He loved me.

Then, he changed

I don’t understand what happened

One minute we were fine, the next, no feelings, just hate

Before everything changed he was so sweet

His skin felt like a brand new teddy bear

He was so soft.

He smelled of lavender and juice

You could smell his cologne, it was that strong

He smelled like tropical laundry soap and happiness

He was always happy, you know

He tasted like apple juice and peaches.

Sometimes, I could even taste the cologne he was wearing

His hair, it was so soft

I could run my fingers through it for hours.

At first sight, he was gorgeous

Fluffy hair

Pretty eyes

Everything I had ever wanted

But looks can be deceiving.

After a while, all I could smell was salt

My own tears became overpowering with the scent

It happened so often, why wouldn’t it?

All I could taste was the metal of the blade held against my lips

Buzzing, all I heard for awhile

Buzz

The jokes, the laughter behind my back, just distant memories

All the beautiful lies he told me

You’re beautiful

You’re mine forever

All just lies

Falling

I am falling away

What has happened?

I used to be happy

I saw him the other day

His arm was around someone else

I was green with envy

Yet also, I was heartbroken

I was as fragile as glass

Another girl falling for his captivating ways

He is so far from charming,

Just so you know

It’ll be over soon, so why worry now?

Rumors

No friends

I am just that lucky

He left me

Why wouldn’t others?

I’m sorry mom, dad

But you couldn’t stop it.

He could of, but he chose not to

I’m sorry for everything

I don’t know what changed

I didn’t do anything

Red

Re...

R...

Now I am dead

Goodbye.

Farewell.

I love you.

I’m sorry...

I believe in a lot.

I believe in people.

I believe us as humans can do so much even if we think we can’t.

I believe in music.

I believe that music has a way of controlling us.

I believe that music has hidden messages, that the writers want us to discover. They want us to come up with our own meanings for the songs.

I believe in love. I feel that everyone is capable of it, even if they don’t love themselves.

I believe in soulmates. Everyone has one even if they don’t believe they do.

I believe in silly, meaningless relationships because I feel it just takes us one step closer to finding the one we will share the rest of our lives with.

I believe that everyone is good in nature, it is their actions and the people they surround themselves with that make them evil.

I believe in love at first sight.

I believe in that one person walking by and you fall for them immediately. Like it was fate or something.

I believe that some people will never change no matter how many times they have tried. Some people just never change, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

I believe that some people are just not meant to be. I feel that some people just get into relationships because they can’t stand to be alone. They would rather destroy themselves then stay single.

I believe in fate.

I believe that some people meet for a reason, and I also believe that people are taken out of your life for a reason.

I believe that if it was meant to be, they will be brought back together.

I believe in the inevitable.

I believe that everything happens for a reason, even if they did everything right and then something terrible happens,

I believe that it was meant to be.

I believe that dogs can actually understand what we are saying and that they can feel what we feel.

I truly believe that dogs are meant to be mankind's best friend even if some people can’t see that.

I believe that reading before bed is good for the mind. It helps us unwind in just the right way so we can fall into a deep sleep.

I believe in making the bed on certain occasions if we want the room to look nice.

I also believe that making the bed is pointless. It is just going to get messed up again, so what’s the point.

I believe that something is up in the sky, not necessarily God, but something that is looking out for us. I feel that there is always someone watching over us, keeping us safe.

I believe that everyone has their own taste. Some may be very similar to others, but no one has the exact same playlist, the same style in clothing, or beliefs. No one is the same, in my opinion.

I believe cleaning is vital even if it may seem pointless sometimes because space is just going to get dirty again, I would rather live in a clean space then a dirty one.

I believe some people actually care for others and that some don’t. The ones that care, they check up on you, drag you out of bed after days in it, just to get you up and moving. The ones who don’t check-up as often or at all, they will let you drown in your sorrows, they won’t care until it’s too late.

I believe in life, I feel that it is a gift and that we shouldn’t take it for granted.

I don't even know if some of you would stick around to read all of these but if you do, you are appreciated.

My animal best friend

To my Beloved Animal Friend:

You have been gone for almost six months now and oh, how I miss you. It has been a roller coaster of emotions over the last six months. Some of the times were happy, I have never loved life more than the joy others had brought me. Other times, not so much. I was so sad, bawling, reliving your memory in my head over and over again, but I made it through those times, I survived.

You were not just an ordinary dog, you were my animal best friend. You were always there the nights I couldn’t sleep from nightmares or sounds, like thunder crashing from the sky outside, or the house settling noises making me believe that there was someone else in the house. I don’t know if you knew it or not, but you were a great listener. If I would just talk about random things or read aloud from a book to you, you always stayed and listened.

You were so soft, you felt like one of those teddy bears, ones that have been held and stroked over so many times the fur has started to become worn in. I loved petting you when I was sad and just needed something there, you were always there. You were a very dark black color and just by looking at your face, you could tell what mood you are in, just by a simple glance. Blackey, that was your name. Kind of weird, but we just didn’t know what to name you, so we named you after the color of your fur. You were a black lab. You were a pretty big dog, and your fur wasn’t very hard to keep under control, you just shedded everywhere.

You were everything I could have ever asked for, a best friend, a playmate, roommate, everything. You were everything to me, and when you died, a little part of me did too. I had never loved anything as I loved you. Your puppy kisses when I was crying were my favorite, you didn’t like it when I was sad. You let me rest my head on you with no objection. (I wouldn’t press down too hard, just in case)

Through every move, you were with us. Through every car ride, room, kitchen, backyard, everywhere. You were everywhere. Your scent, you smelled like freshly cut grass on a summer's day, your presents, always just there. There would be nights where I would fall asleep with the door open and then I would wake up and find you lying either on the floor right next to my bed or at the end of the bed. I would always call to you, “Blackey,” I said. You would lay down next to me and we would fall asleep. There were many occasions where I would be having a nightmare and you would be laying there, nudging me, trying to wake me so I would stop whatever I was doing. I miss that.

Towards the end of your life, you were in pain, but you lived happily. You were a very loved dog. You were cared for. There was a point for a few months towards the end of your life where you couldn’t walk. Just one day, you couldn’t get up anymore. I hated seeing you like that. One day, I was sitting by you, petting you and I noticed your leg was swollen, you could tell that it was bothering you because you wouldn’t let us touch it, you would try to bite us, you never did that before. I looked around and found a hole in your side. It was obviously very infected, I have no idea how we couldn’t have noticed it before. I was panicking. I screamed for my sister, “Elizabeth!” She came running in and I pointed to the spot, unable to form words at that exact moment. We took you the next day to the vet. They gave you antibiotics, they did blood work to see why you couldn’t get up at all. They called a few days later saying everything looked normal just they believed that you were anemic. We talked about what we could do for you. Either let you live the rest of your life out or have you put down so you wouldn’t be in pain anymore. My dad was not in favor of that idea, so you lived on. The antibiotics started working, your leg wasn’t swollen, and something happened: you got up and walked to the back door. It was what we had hoped for, for weeks. We let you outside, you started to roll on the ground, the way most dogs lay on the ground on their backs, kicking to scratch their back. We called my dad, “He’s walking!” I said. He was thrilled. That was how you lived, loved,

Your forever best friend,

Hannah

January 14th, 2020

Dear memories,

The first memory that is still fresh in my mind is when my parents moved into the house they live in now. It was last year, January. The air was cold, crisp, we could see our breath as we worked to clean up the house a little before we moved in. I remember when we put all of the animals in the car to bring over there. There were other things in the back like blankets, pillows, etc. You decided that the floor of my mom’s car was too uncomfortable for you. You jumped up on the blankets and pillows, looked up smiling and panting at us. We all cracked up, that was the best memory of you, my friend.

The day you died. It was hot outside, the kind where you want to do nothing but jump into a bath of ice water. You needed some fresh air. We got you a bowl of water, food, everything you would need to be outside in the shade for a little bit. We took you outside, it was around 4:00 P.M, so there were many shaded spots to lay you in. We let you sit on the porch. We left the door open and checked on you. We shut the door for a few minutes so we could get ready to go to my sister’s house and bring you in. When I walked out the door, I looked at you, and my heart stopped. You weren’t breathing. I called to you, “Blackey?” No response. At that point, I was panicking, I was having trouble breathing, my legs were going weak, like when you are about to give a presentation in front of a huge crowd. I walked up to you, and I shook you. You didn’t move. I said your name again and again, “BLACKEY!” That is when I realized my worst nightmare had come true: you were dead. My mother walked out of the house and saw me kneeling next to you. I could barely form a sentence, “Mommy… he’s de-” She realized what I was about to say and broke. “NO!” Was her response. My dad came out and realized what had happened. He called out to my mom. “Lisa, I will take the kids, come back inside.”

“I can’t, I have to go,” Is all she said as she got into the car and told us to come on. I didn’t want to leave you, but she didn’t give me a choice. So my brother and I got into the car and we left.

Later that night, I was at my sister’s house. I couldn’t stop crying. I was a sobbing mess. I climbed into the shower and sat there, under the water. It felt like I was drowning, yet I was still breathing. It hurt, the realization that he was actually gone. My dad called while I was in the shower, I still answered, hoping that it was all just a misunderstanding, maybe he was just sleeping. But he confirmed it as my own eyes did: you are gone, and you are not coming back.

“My friend has some land that he is willing to bury him in,” my dad said. I was sobbing harder then. He said, “He isn’t in pain anymore, he’s okay now.” I told him I had to go.

Once I was able to pull myself together even just a little bit, I got out and came out of the bathroom. My brother was at the kitchen table. My sister looked at me with sympathy, she knew I was hurting. My brother is Autistic, so he doesn’t truly understand the concept of loss. He kept saying it over and over again, “Blackey died.” “Blackey’s dead.” I couldn’t take it, I screamed at him. “SHUT UP. I KNOW HE IS DEAD, STOP SAYING IT!” I felt bad about it after it, he doesn’t understand, and that just hurt more. I went to bed after that, I couldn’t stay awake any longer.

The times where you would growl and bark at my parents for play fighting with me. They would try and tickle me or start poking me. I would yell and scream because I didn’t like it. You would get up and start barking and growling at them. They would immediately stop. You didn’t like them guys me scream out like that, you were a very protective animal.

Another memory was you stealing food either out of our hands or when we were gone out of the room. That is still a vivid memory of mine. Whenever we would sit at the table to have dinner, you would casually walk under the table and sit, waiting for food to drop. There was one time where I had food in my hand and I put my hands in my lap. All of a sudden, the food I had was gone. I heard a crunch. I realized that you just snatched it out of my hands! I thought, “Really?” It was my fault, I knew you would do that. (I did it on purpose, just so you know)

I love you,

Hannah

January 20, 2020

To myself,

I had him for a long time. I was 3 when I got him, he was one of the good things that happened to me as a child. We got him from one of our old neighbors, they were very nice. Their dog had just had puppies and they offered one to us since they were old enough. He originally wasn’t the one we were going to get, we were going to get the only female, but she was really mean so we got the runt of the litter and I am so glad we did.

We had other dogs along the way. Ones that Blackey never really cared for, they were just there to him. He didn’t mind their existence as long as they didn’t bother him. Some of our dogs would go up to him and try to get him to play with them, but he would just ignore them. He never really liked to play much, he just liked being pet and that was pretty much it.

There were many good times with him. The main ones were that he was happy. He was very loved, he was wanted, he was cared for. There were also the bad times like towards the end, his pain. He was in pain and you could tell, most of the time he would just sleep, he didn’t want to do anything else, but we made him.

Throughout his entire life, there were many emotions. Most of the love, but some were anger and disappointment if he went to the bathroom in the house, but that was rare until towards the end. I loved him, so much. He made me really happy, he made me feel better when I was sad, he made me feel safe. He was always so protective, I felt safe when he was around. When he died, a little part of me did too. I felt like my heart got ripped out of my chest and stomped on. I felt like all the air got taken from my lungs and there was never enough to refill them. There isn’t that constant feeling of safety anymore, especially with all the noises I hear sometimes in my house, I lay awake at night, scared that there is someone else in the house other than my family, then I just realize there isn’t. When he died, I lost all hope of accomplishing anything ever again, I was hopeless. I was sad, very, very sad. There was also a point right after where I blamed myself for his death. I still feel that way sometimes to be honest, especially when I am overthinking, I think that I could have saved him or helped him in some way, but it was just his time to go.

Whenever we would talk about what we could do for him, I always started crying. He was my best friend, I didn’t want him to ever die, but it was inevitable. I always felt that he was going to be ripped from my arms too early. I was never going to be ready to lose him, I wasn’t when he did pass. I felt like they were trying to take him from me even if it was best for him. I felt like I wouldn’t be okay ever again if I lost him, I couldn’t see a world without him. Now, here without him, I still can’t see a world without him, he is always in my heart and he is forever burned into my memory.

After he passed on, I felt like the world was ending. It slowly stopped feeling that way but it took weeks, even months. I still feel anxious without him, like nothing will ever be able to calm the nerves I feel without him. Right now, I feel what most people would feel. Yes, I miss him every day, but it’s not at the point where I cry every day over his loss, I know he is in a better place now, and that he isn’t in pain anymore, and I am grateful. After he died, I didn’t care about school work as much as I should have, I wouldn’t do my homework until the last minute even when my friends were constantly reminding me to do it. I just couldn’t find the energy to do it. My personality changed after he passed as well. I started thinking differently, and I saw things differently. My opinions changed. I am slowly getting to a better state of mind than I was in the right when it happened. I have realized over the course of the past 6 months that I was never alone when he died. There were so many others that he had an impact on during his life that he may not have realized. Everyone loved him. He was greatly loved and he still is,

Sincerely,

Hannah

May 17th, 2021

I have not been on here in a very long time. A lot has changed. I turned 18, I broke up with my boyfriend of almost 2 years. I met a guy that I thought was perfect and he left me so suddenly. I started talking to my old coworker. my best dog friend died. I was distraught. I still am. Today marks 5 months without her and it still hurts every single day. I blame myself. It is my fault even if it isn't. I started dating my old coworker and I thought that was it. He was it. He left so suddenly as well. I quit the very first job that I ever had after 2 years of being there. I was so tired of it. My ex and I started talking again but that didn't last long. I ended up blocking him on everything because he was so rude. I have grown so much since everything happened. I graduated. I did it. I learned today that my ex has a new girlfriend already. I shouldn't be upset, but I am.

August 6th, 2021

I ended up unblocking my ex boyfriend. We started talking again. Hooking up. Everything was fine. Then it wasn't. He told me that he stopped trying because he didn't want antyhing with me. After he got mad at me for trying to move on after we started talking again. Which is what he wanted me to do. I sat around, once again. Waiting for something that I knew wasn't going to happen, once again. Poor me. I'll get over it, I always do. There is just so much I want to say. I am hurt, but that has lessened. I met someone else. I'm not sure if it will last, maybe it will because he is oh so sweet. I like him a lot. I'm not getting my hopes up too high because, what if it doesn't work out. We're taking things really slow because we both are not ready for a relationship. One day, we will be. I just look forward to his texts at the end of the day the most. When his name pops up on the screen, I smile. Because he is home finally and wanting to talk to me, of all people. He said that I was his best friend. I really hope that it's true...

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 17.09.2018

Widmung:
You, Jon, me

Nächste Seite

Seite 1 /