Zelda always knew she was different from other people. She was the only one she knew who had the power to become a mermaid. She didn’t know why or how this magical thing happened. All she had was her curious purple hair and a locket she always kept with her.
“Today is going to suck.” Zelda decided as she rolled out of bed. She walked into her bathroom and made sure to lock the door before taking a bath. As she stepped into the tub, her hair grew long and wavy with a magical glisten and her legs turned into a long, blue, shiny fish tail. When she started looking around for her brush, she noticed it was not there. Hungry with anger, she yelled.
“OH MY FUCKING DIDDY KONG WHERE THE FUCKING SHIT HELL IS MY FUCKING DAMN BRUSH BITCH?”
Her maid, Cookie, kicked opens the locked door and left it on her toilet seat before walking back out. She was scared of Zelda’s temper tantrums. Not that you could blame her. She was always left out, yet still very gorgeous because she is a main character. But apparently that doesn’t matter, because all you readers want is a perfect main character. I guess there’s also there’s that: I’m so different and special, feel pity for me because my life sucks – thing, too. Since her parents died, because she is a main character.
Anyway, She brushed her hair and it became magically sweet, gentle, and gorgeous. But no one realizes this because it is still only the first part of the story. She got out and toweled herself dry so she could turn back into a human. Then she changed into her outfit (Skinny jeans and a graphic t-shit. Keeping it simple, and yet it’s not simple because she is the main character) and went downstairs for breakfast. She only had some toast before running out because she realized she was late.
Cookie was waiting for her with the car in the driveway and she made sure to avoid the puddles from last night’s rain as she walked over to the car. As soon as she got in, they were off.
The ride to school was rather quiet, and Zelda kept fiddling with her gold locket, trying to open it up. She felt a strange feeling about today, that something different was going to happen. And she was right.
Standing right by the gates of the school was this tall, dark, and handsome mysterious young man who is also funny and kind and cool and everything because the people who read these books know that a guy cannot be all of these traits at once and they will never find someone like that. She gasped and blushed a deep scarlet, because the main character is always super pale/white and has no idea how to control her displays of obvious attraction. She stumbled to the front gate and fate managed to make her trip RIGHT beside this boy so that he may catch her and she may say something stupid like “Th-th-th-thanks…” and he won’t say anything because this mysterious boy is above all human social norms. Instead he smirks and disappears into the crowd which does not make sense, but happens anyway because this is a romance story.
Zelda stands there gaping like a fish and looking around her like an idiot. After a few good minutes she starts walking to class, remembering that life still goes on even though she met her future boyfriend-forever….thing.
When she gets in to class he’s sitting in the spot conveniently next to her and she blushed again and stumbles over to her spot and says “Thanks for saving me there…” in a really awkward manner even though she already said thanks. But that doesn’t matter because she is the main character and he’s the soon-to-be-hero.
“No problem,” he mutters. Zelda realizes that his voice is like deep velvet and his dark eyes are like the night sky and his black hair is like a raven and his sickly pale skin looks like a porcelain doll. She blushes once again, and class goes on.
She didn’t notice that he was staring at her locket the whole entire class because she is stupid.
After school, Zelda called Cookie to tell her she would be walking home today because she was going to go to the beach. Cookie knew Zelda only wanted to swim in the ocean and agreed because that is the only exercise Zelda gets because she is too depressedmaincharacter-y to join a team or get outside.
When Zelda makes it to the beach she goes into her special swimming spot she found a few years ago so she could swim in peace. It was super pretty for no real reason, and there she shed her clothing and jumped into the water, doing that magical thing that turns her into a mermaid.
People have hunted mermaids for centuries. For all Zelda knew, she was the only mermaid on land. As Zelda flicked her fin, and grazed along the water, she noticed the underwater sea creatures were on edge. She fluttered down to the hollow sunken ship where her only friend, Navi, lived. Navi was another mermaid. Navi could not go above water. She would immediately burn and disintegrate.
Zelda greeted her with a warm hug, but quickly retreated, afraid of Navi’s glistening teeth on her shoulder. Navi was recently on edge as well and wouldn’t tell Zelda why. Navi talked to her about a rumor of a young merman. Zelda thought back to earlier with her encounter of a mysterious boy. She blushed, and returned to Navi with a question. When the time was late, Zelda swam up to where her clothing lay.
As she put on her clothes, she heard a rustle in the shrubs nearby. Zeld quickly laid in the steep hole to the right of her. After several minutes, she slowly put on her underwear and bra. She felt someone watching her and she quickly threw on her shirt and jeans. She ran home without looking back. Had she been caught?
She entered the house to a worried Cookie, who threw her fat arms around her in greeting, squeezing her near to death.
“Where have you been you UGLY BITCH?” She said, slapping Zelda upside her dumb-ass head.
“I was visiting a friend, like oh my gosh!” She complained, rubbing her abused skin.
“You KNOW you have a curfew, Zelda,” Cookie reminded her, “Mermaid hunters are everywhere and if they see any suspicious activity they will not hesitate to take you into captivity and rape you little mermaid vagina.”
“Cookie, I’ll be fine, I promise!” Zelda said, running up the stairs to properly shower. She had gotten bits of goatskin up her ass during her swim.
After taking a bubble bath, she took out the plug of the drain and watched as swirls of poop and goatskin swirled into the hole below.
“How am I EVER gonna get a boyfriend if I keep getting goatskin up there?” She said, turning around to brush her hair. Little did she know she wouldn’t even have to worry about that because no boy would approach her anyway. Since she’s the main character though, she has to get the mysterious guy she met at school in the end. Speaking of which, let’s fast forward, shall we?



At school, she bumped into the mysterious boy at school, he gave her a strange look as if she had goatskin on her face and said
“Why were you swimming naked in dirty water last night? That’s disgusting.”
“It’s because…because I cannot tell you. I can’t trust anybody!” She said dramatically, bursting into tears and running away. She did not make it that far because she ran headfirst into the locker next to her and rendered herself unconscious.
She woke up to a white room and the same boy peering over at her. Or, her boobs to be more precise. She didn’t care though. He was her perfect man so it was okay.
“You saved me!” She cried out, hugging him.
“Actually, I didn’t. The principal forced me in here because I was the last person to talk to you before you knocked out and you have no friends.” He replied, scooting away from her.
“Yeah I do!” She said, her eyes watering with sadness.
“Oh, really.” He said disbelievingly.
“Yeah! She’s just not human!”
This was his cue to leave the room.
A very nice looking lady with a nurse outfit walked into the room with some water and pills in her hands.
“Could this be the nurse?” she thought. Dumbass.
“How are you doing, honey?” The nurse said, Reaching over to touch the oozing bump near her right temple.
“I feel as fresh as a newborn baby.” She said, earning a strange look from the nurse.
“Alrighty then… Here’s some Tylenol for your head injury. You missed your first period-“
“I don’t have periods ever!” She exclaimed, making a grossed out face.
“I meant classes, honey… your first period class,” the nurse explained, “someone nice dropped off your books for you.”
“Was it the boy that was just in here?” Zelda asked hopefully.
“You mean Link? No. I was talking about the teacher. Why would he do that, he doesn’t have first period with you.” The nurse replied.
She ended up leaving the nurse’s office after a few more minutes of idiotic questioning on her part and made it to second period with scratches and bruises on her arms and legs from tripping. Kids at school started calling her ‘Bella Swan’ but it didn’t matter because Bella Swan was her hero!
“Sorry I’m late!” Zelda said, walking into class.
“Shut up and take a seat.” The teacher said, not sparing her a glance. The only opened spot was next to Link, who was making a point of avoiding eye contact with her. She had no social skills, however, and took that as shyness. She decided that if their movie-romance was going to go anywhere she would have to make the first move.
“I can carry your books for you.” Zelda said, opening the door for Link as they walked out of the classroom.
“No thanks.” He said, pushing her aside and walking away. She stumbled after him like a lost puppy because apparently, even though she’s been living on her own for quite a while, she could not survive without him.
From the shadows, A mysterious man with binoculars was crouching in the bushes surrounding the school.
“I will rape both of those mermaids… and kill them. Just need to wait for the right time. Mwa ha ha ha ha.”

Epilogue

If you know anything about how stories like this end, It went like this:

The found out they were both mermaids, the girl was being stupid and got captured, boy almost dies saving her, but they end up saving the day or else the lonely, pathetic readers who actually relate to this horrible excuse of a heroine can go on with their lives. They live happily ever after in a mermaid castle or whatever and get married in…the sea.

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 18.06.2011

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To mermaids out there.