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~ What is my biggest fear? ~

My biggest fear is to be the laughing stock of the population. To be that girl, who everyone laughs at when she's not looking. That girl who everyone knows but no one actually knows her. That girl who has even her friends laughing at her behind her back and talking shit about her.

That is my biggest fear.
I wanna know, I love to know, that someone, anyone, actually likes me. Knowing that they enjoy my company, knowing that they want to talk to me. Not because there is no one else around, not because they're just being polite, but because they want to actually talk to me, get to know me, be my friend.

Normally, i always make the first move. I walk towards the person, I start the conversation, I send the first message, I make the plans, I ask if I can join other already made plans, and so on...

But sometimes, there are people, they walk to me first, they send the first message, they start the conversation, they make plans with me, etc. However, this rarely ever happens, at all.

It makes me feel as if I really am "that girl" and i just don't know it. It makes me feel insecure, as if from the very second i turn my back, everyone is snickering, judging, and laughing at me.

I don't know if it's normal for me to feel this way or if everyone is like this or maybe it's just a girl thing. This year, things finally changed, i made new friends, who like me for me. Sometimes i feel like I'm pushing the relationship more than I should be, but if i didn't have to push it a little, it wouldn't work at all. But, it's definitely a two way relationship, i have more affection towards this person than they do for me, surely, but, that person still messages me first, talks to me everyday when she isn't obliged to, we make plans together, just to the two of us. It's real, but sometimes, it's still hard and i feel like I'm too clingy and annoying.

04-24-2016

~ What are the words you need to hear? ~

I don't know if everyone has this but there are definitely some things I need to hear. My first thoughts when this came to my mind were based on two things, my mom and guys.

First, my mom. I want to hear her say, "I am proud of you." or "I know you're working hard." or "You deserve it." But so far, nothing. I know that I'm improving in school. Even my grades are showing it, I'm working so fucking hard. All of the comments the teachers wrote on my report card were positive except for one or two, which is completely amazing. Every single one of my averages in each class had gone up except of one or two (out of 9), which is astounding, But my mom, handed me my report card, poker faced, says nothing. I was waiting for her for weeks to congradulate me on how well I had progressed but I never got it, nothing, nada.

So, here I am, still annoyed by how she doesn't realise how much I am doing. I feel like I deserve it and that it's unfair that I sit here and end up thinking that maybe I'm just not good enough for her and I'm just a piece of crap. And right now, I'm stressing about asking her to let me go to a party that I cannot, in any way at all, miss. I know I deserve to go to this party, I'm a fucking innocent soul. Never smoked, only been drunk once, I think, never had a boyfriend, never kissed a guy, obviously a virgin for that matter...

But I still sit here, contemplating on when to ask my mom if I could go to a party that takes place in about a month and will have to beg her on my knees, maybe, probably not. She's gonna give me the usual, "I need to call the parents" line that she gives everytime, and I'm gonna be shown off as that goody-two-shoes girl whose mom needs to be sure that her little girl will be safe.

I hate the fact that mom won't let me go to a party if I don't get the parents' phone number and make sure she actually calls them beforehand. It makes me feel like she doesn't have any trust towards me at all whatsoever. As if, I were just some little girl who always needs adult supervision. 'When you go home, make sure they walk you all the way down to the door downstairs. I want you to call me and hear the voice of the person who takes you so I know you're not alone." and "You can't just walk around town like that. I need to know where you are. What if something happens to you? I won't know where you are. Just send me a text or call me to tell me, that's it."

Now, guys. I mean, I've never had a boyfriend, never even kissed a guy before. I don't know any guy who has ever liked me in any way... Never had actual guys friend, well, until this year. A lot changed this year... Yet, still never kissed a guy before, never been call pretty, beautiful or anything to my face by a guy before.

I've been told my braids were cute once, but it was a school dress-up day and I had a few small braids around my hair to give it a cute, messy, just-woke-up look. I also found out that this one guy I recently had become friends with actually enjoyed my company but it was someone else who told me.

There was also that one time about a month ago where this guy, I've never had a conversation with him before, he's friends with a close friend of mine and I see him once a week every week. We always say hey plus a small how are you? and that's it. But during the vacation, I was walking home with my family, and I spot him. He was sitting on the entrance steps of a bank with about four or five other girls. I was planning to walk straight past him acting as if I hadn't seen him but hoping he'd notice me, just for the attention but my mom decided to walk into that bank, the one we was sitting in front of. I awkwardly smile, hoping that he'd actually recognise me and he smiled back. He was actually blowing his nose, which made it even more awkward. We said our usual hey and how are you? and then I forced myself to go inside of the bank instead of awkwardly standing outside.

However, my little sister had to stay outside to warn my big sister that we were here once she came back. I was checking out how bad I looked in the meantime. I would look towards the group of teenagers every once in a while, they were also looking my way. They were definitely talking about me. I was so disappointed, dressed in sweatpants, dirty hair thrown into a ponytail, big shirt with a plaid jacket on top, oh, I forgot the detail of how hot this guy was.

Mom finally finished and we walked out of the building, I would look back at them a few times, discretly, and find them looking my way. But you would never believe what my little sister started saying. Apparently, he called me pretty! She said that the girls asked who I was and that they didn't recognise me, they said something about a party, but i haven't been to any with him... And they he said something around the lines of "Oh, i don't know, she's pretty..."

Like, whaaaaaaaat! It took me a week to get over this. But still, he didn't say it to my face, and that other guy who said my braids were cute, was just talking about my braids, not me. Well, maybe he was but it wasn't directly to me.

So I want a guy to say to my face, what they want to say. That first guy who I found out, actually enjoys my company, should say that to me. That guy who said my braids were cute, should tell me I'm cute. That guy who told other girls he thought I was pretty, should have told me I was pretty.

I just want to hear things, I hope, of course, that most of it will be good, but I don't mind the bad comments. If I'm fucking annoying to you and you don't like me, fucking tell me and don't be fake. If you didn't invite me to your party because you actually don't like me and not because there's too many people then fucking tell me. Don't lie to make me feel better, or to make yourself feel better. But also, say what's on your mind, give people compliments when you think they look nice, or you like how they changed their hair up, you like the shirt they're wearing or their shoes, anything. Tell her that she looks pretty, tell her that she's beautiful, it will change her, for sure. Make her feel good about herself, make her smile, she'll think about it for hours, days, weeks... At least, I would.

05-01-2016

~ What does unconditional love look like for you? ~

So, this is an interesting topic for me. I've never been in love, I've never been in a relationship before, so my point of view will be only a fantasy instead of a realistic reality of life.

But, unconditional love, is a relationship with someone who you can be comfortable with. You can tell them anything, everything. You can act crazy, stupid, and wierd with them. You can look and be ugly, disgusting, and foolish around them. They won't care because they would act the exact same way around you.

You understand each other, you know what that other person is feeling. Whenever they are hurting, you heal their wound, whenever they feel sad, you make them smile, whenever they need someone to talk to or to vent to, you're always there with open arms and ears.

Unconditional love for me, is when the relationship is felt equally both ways, one person doesn't love more than the other. One person isn't fighting for the relationship more than the other, its equal. Whenever one makes a mistake, the other must forgive, wether it's big or small, they'll always forgive you because they love you.

Unconditional love is also doing whatever it takes to help that special person out. You'd do anything for them, if it were just buying them a meal because they forgot their wallet or if it were leaving an important meeting at work to save them from a fatal scene, anything, they'd be there.

Unconditional love isn't all about the grand gestures, proving your love for that person. But also the small ones, the "I love you"s, the cute little messages, the spontaneous flowers sent on no special occasion, and the fact that you are there. That's unconditional love.

05-14-2016

~ What do you wish others knew about you? ~

I wish that all my friends, family, acquaintances, and others knew me. I want them to know that I have a heart and feelings, I want them to know that I understand what they do to me, I want them to know the way it feels to be treated the way they treat me.

They all use me, whether it's for a pen or paper, whether it's for money or better grades, they all do it. I find it hard to realise who is real to me and who isn't. Sometimes, there are people who are in between, who are both people at the same time. They use me, but they also care about me. After years of going through this, I still don't know what to do about those particular people.

I want those people to realise that I know they're using me. I want them to understand how I feel, the pain and agony, the uncertain feeling of whether they actually like me as a person or if they are just using me. I want them to know that I want to yell "NO!" to you but I know, I will give in, and do as you wish. I want them to feel the guilt, I want them to have a heart and treat me as a person and not as a slave. I don't want to feel like I am there because they'll eventually need something ou to of me. I don't want to feel used. I want to feel wanted. I want to feel as if people actually enjoy my presence. I want to feel like a loved person.

06-05-2016

~ What do you see when you look in the mirror? ~

Honestly, when I look in a mirror, I see a pretty teenage girl. Not beautiful, not perfect, not ugly, not disgusting, but definitely pretty. I don't see a girl who is too fat. I don't see an insecure, small, teenage girl. I see a comfortable in her own skin, asian girl with long flawless black hair, big thighs, small feet, a chubby face, and getting near her summer goal of a flat stomach.

I see a girl who is afraid of what others think of her but doesn't show it. I see a girl who knows she doesn't know how to defend herself, whether it's bullies or her friends. I see a girl who is unable to tell someone "no" thinking others will judge her for it. I see a girl who wants to be liked by everyone, a girl who wants to be invited to all the parties but in the end, she isn't. This girl, ends up sitting alone in bed, depressed, confused, and insecure.

I see a girl who started eating healthy, working out daily, buying new clothes, wearing more make up, not only to feel better about herself, to feel good in her own body but a girl who just wants the guys to look at her differently. I see a girl who is a sign of innocence, but deep inside, the devil wants to come out, he's just waiting for his chance.

Deep inside, this is what I see when I look in the mirror. Otherwise, I still see a pretty girl who is comfortable in her own skin, who is big but doesn't care much, and is short but embraces it. I see a girl who has her insecurites but knows how to hide them, as if it were her job, as if she'd die if she didn't.

06-05-2016

~ What is/was your current/last romantic relationship like? ~

I've never had one. Sometimes, I have those nights, like these. I lay in bed, feeling empty, alone. As if I were missing something, someone. I lay here, wishing that one day, some time soon, I will have someone to comfort me on these nights. Someone to hold me tight. Someone who would never let me go.

Sometimes, I just lay there, unable to fall asleep because of the emptiness I feel inside of me, around me. So I grab a pillow or my snowman stuffed animal and hug it. I hug it tight, hoping that one day, I will have an actual person in my arms instead of stuffed cotton...

On these nights, I open my window wide and sit by the window seal on my desk table. I sit there snuggling my pillow or snowman... I look up at the sky, watching the stars and the moon, observing them. I get into thought, about the others who are watching the stars with me, and maybe, one of those people will be with me one day instead of looking out their bedroom window.

Sometimes, I sit there so long, I hear the birds start chirping and the sun starts to rise. Sometimes, I sit there so long, I forget that I am sitting there alone. But sometimes, I just fall asleep, feeling empty and alone. Without any hope of having anyone, ever.

07-23-2016

~ Playing 21 questions with someone, what are your questions? ~

Which Disney movie/Disney princess is your all-time favorite?
If you could only hear onesong for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Who is your number one most favorite person in the world?
If you were to be the last person in the world, yet had the choice to keep one person with you, who would it be?
Would you rather be rich or famous? (both is not an allowed answer)
What is your most favorite TV series or movie ever?
What is the biggest lie you have ever told? If necessary, explain.
If you had a time machine, would you go back in time or to the furture?
Would you rather live in the city, or in the country?
What superpower do you want to have the most?
What do you find hilarious but most people don’t find funny?
What are two things you know you should know how to do but don't?
How useful would you be in a zombie apocalypse?
What childish thing(s) do you still enjoy?
What were you really into when you were younger but now think is silly?
Who is/was one of your idols?
What’s something you were really stressed about, it turned out to be no big deal?
When you are day dreaming, what do you dream about?
What seemed normal in your family when you were growing up, but seems weird now?
What is the most impressive thing you know how to do?
What is your biggest turn on?

02-09-2017

~ What is on your mind right now? ~

So, it's been a while. Since I've updated this book, since I've updated any book, since I've written anything at all. A lot has changed in my life. I'm finally 18 I've had my first kiss. I got together with that person, two weeks after that kiss and not talking. He broke up with me by text a day and a half later, after kissing me goodbye 30 minutes before. Fucking asshole didn't have the guts to say it to me straight. Didn't like the guy that much anyways, I just really enjoyed the affection, a type of physical affection that I've never had with anyone ever before.

Anyways, this isn't about him. As I am currently wriing this, I don't have a title question for this chapter yet. I'm not sure what I am doing. I'm notin a great place right now and really wanted to write, I miss it, but I don't have the time. Writing used to take up hours of my nights. I would go to bed so late, without anyone knowing. No one who knows me personally, knows about this, any of this. I haven't showed all these books, one of them being the first book on the second page of the Most Widely Read Books on this site, which is crazy.

So, I actually wanted to talk about my current boyfriend. Who I met off of Tinder, surprisingly, but I was pretty desperate afer that last guy, a lot more happened after that text breakup and it's not something to get into right now, maybe another chapter. So, my boyfriend, our three month anniversary is in a little less than a week. He lives a city away. I have school, he has school, so we only see each other on weekends and talk every night until one of us fall asleep. The first two months were so great. We loved each other, already started talking about our future together. I started about staying in France next year after graduating high school instead of leaving and continuing my studies in England to finally have my classes in English and about something that actally insterests me. I started to look into Cooking Courses in France, in the city where I currently live as well as where he lives. But still have the England schools lined up since applications where due long ago. But schools to stay in France, those applications were also due, just about a week before I started getting these ideas.

I was searching anyways. I even told my mom. She was surprisingly on board with the idea, even though the reason she didn't like my boyfriend in the first place was this idea that I wouldn't want to leave anymore and stay in France and ruin my future, just to stay with him.

However, it's spring break. So, logically, we would see each other more often, I have no school, he has no school, but I do have a lot of studying to do, but obviously to see him a few times a week is fine, it's not going to jeopardise my studying, well not a lot. So, we spent Friday night together, as usual. I go home Saturday morning for my last Tutoring Class and then I was on vacation. Sunday, he comes to see me, we go straight to the movies, afterwards he goes home to eat with his parents at home. We barely spent anytime together. That's why I don't particularly like the movies, you can't bond with the person, it's not like drinking a coffee, where you sit in front of the person, with just a drink, and you talk, a restaurant is more difficult, you have to eat, and try to maintain a conversation at the same time. But he came, we went to the movies, he left. It's now Friday night, and we haven't seen each other since. Every Friday, I go to see him, eat at his house with his parents, and we meet up with his friends to play pool and have a drink. I got sick with a stomach flu or somehing of the sort on Tuesday. We were supposed to see each other on Wednesday and go to the beach, so yeah, that would have been the perfect bonding scenerio. But I spent the day in bed. I spent everyday in bed since.

For these days, that I've spent in bed, I would have loved to spent it with him, but I didn't want to get him sick. A part of me wanted him to at least ask if I wanted his to come by, just to be there, take care of me. I mean it's understandable that he didn't offer since I live with my mom and everything but I wanted him to say something of the sort, saying how he wished he could be here to comfort me. He probably said it at least once within the past four days, but I needed more than that.

I can remember, considering that it wasn't that long ago, he would still compliment me, and send cute messages, pretty often. We would talk all the time, during class hours, after class, before class even. I would leave him alone for a few hours, like two to three hours to play his online games with his friends. But now, in the morning, he messages me at 1PM, and he's been awake for two hours on his phone in bed. He just messages me, we talk by message for about 5 to 10 minutes and then he says he's going to get up, take a shower, and eat, and then I get a message a few hours later letting me know that he's going to play with his friends and that he'll call me later. He calls me just before he eats dinner at 8PM, like 10 minutes before, just to "talk to me" a little before eating. And then he doesn't come back until midnight because he continues to play with his friends. Once he calls me, he lays in bed, headphones in, say hi, asks what I've done during the day, and watches YouTube videos, while on the phone with me, like on his phone. And I'm in bed just listening, to nothing. He tells me that I can talk to him and all, but I mean, I don't want to talk over his video, whether it's annoying for him, or if it's disrespectful towards me, I just don't want to. But he doesn't understand that. I haven't told him that directly, but he knows that I don't want to talk when he's watching his videos. Yet every night it's the same thing, over and over again. While I wait for him to stop watching his videos, I end up falling asleep, and we practically don't talk for the entire day.

I don't know if he has less feelings for me, if he has just gotten comfortable with me, and thinks I'm fine with it. I feel like he doesn't care as much, he used to send me multiple messages through different social medias when I wouldn't answer his first message. Now he just waits. He used to tell me to hurry up so he could call me.

I mean, it's crazy. It had been less than two months together and we had talked about our future, talking about moving to Korea and I would open my own bakery and we would get kids, a boy first so that he would be overprotective over his little sister. We already chose the name Lily for our little girl and thought about Ethan for the boy. I told him that if we end up breaking up for whatever reason, and I somehow manage to open my dream bakery, I would name it Lily.

I don't know if he even feels this growing apart in our relationship, I mean it's not that bad, i know, but it's noticeable. Whenever we're together, everything is perfectly perfect, but right now, he is out with his friends, and I'm home, wriing about this. He told me earlier today that they had exceptionally changed the plans and they were going to play pool tomorrow night, so I was happy that I wouldn't miss it tonight. And he had gone out earlier in the afternoon so we had barely talked, we hadn't yet called each other. He tells me that he'll get back home in the late afternoon, so I was like okay that's fine, we'll get to talk then. He sends me a message just before 8PM, just before his dinnertime. He tells me the plans changed again and he's going out tonight to play pool with his friends.

He got me pretty mad with these news. He felt that I got mad and called me, he got annoyed that I was getting mad for nothing, which I admit, it was stupid, I knew that it was stupid, it wasn't his fault that plans were changed, how could he have known. But I have been stuck at home for four days in bed. And he has barely been talking to me, and he gets to go out with his friends, and I have to miss it. I look forward to those nights every week. I only see those people once a week, I get along with them pretty well, some of them, I get along with better than my own friends. I don't even get invited to go out with my own friends. But that's high school.

Anyways, I think this way our first fight, I mean I got mad, without yelling but he could tell I was annoyed, and he got annoyed that I was getting mad for no reason and he didn't say it, but I could clearly hear it in his voice, when he finally called me for the first time that day because he could sense that I wasn't feeling great from my messages.

I know that we just need to see each other and everything will be fine, but I also know that things will continue like this, it might get even worse. Because I tend to wait for his morning message, every morning. And I get them pretty late. So I waste my time, in bed, waiting. And he's just on his phone, not thinking about me, at all. I used to think that he liked me more than I liked him. I don't find him attractive first of all, but he makes me laugh so much, before we had even met, he would make me laugh so much just by message. And the first time we met, it was the same. He would make me smile so much with cute messages before we had met, even after, but not as much now. Even our sex life has gotten so consistent, in the beginning, before we even had sex but just foreplay because I was still a virgin, we would make things interesting all the time because, well, foreplay is foreplay. Now it's just this goes there in this position that position and that position and that's it.

It's currently 10:30PM and I'm gonna have to wait two to three hours for him to send me a message.

Another thing that annoys me is when he tells me hat he doesn't like something I'm wearing, or how my hair is done. He hates when I put my hair in braids, but I love it. But ever since he told me that he doesn't like it, I can never put my hair in braids when I see him. And there are a specific type of earrings he hates that I wear and I adore them, I have so many pairs that are of that type but I can't wear them when I'm with him, and I hate it.

Okay, so I decided on the question halfway through this rant, and it's kind of off topic of the idea of this book but it's been a while so, deal with it. I'm gonna calm down now and smoke a cigarette (which I have stopped doing just for him by the way).

4-27-2018

[ Sorry, I wrote this directly through BookRix which I rarely do (I usually write it my stuff on a different software and copy it later) and I didn't proof read because my mind is too pre-occupied and re reading through everything might get my blood boiling by reading all the details of what is annoying me right now, so let's not to do that. I'll proof-read it eventually... ]

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Tag der Veröffentlichung: 29.04.2016

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