One

Letter one.

To you,

If there is anything I know for sure right now, then it would be the fact that I know nothing. There is too much I don’t know in this world, my life is nothing but a series of whys and how’s, it’s the kind of life you live thinking you have it all figured out… when really you couldn’t even guess what you were having for lunch right. So Maybe that was the point of living, maybe living was always about solving the puzzle, or maybe we _humans_ aren’t supposed to figure out the truth, maybe life’s a fantasy and we’re here to live it until we run out of time, run out of hope or maybe both.

I liked you; really liked you, at least that was what I used to think. You made me laugh….people say we love to be close to the ones who makes us laugh.

You felt like rain, I love rain…I do. The feeling of the sky crying with me, telling me it’s okay…that I’m strong and it won’t think of me less when I cry. That even though my heart is ripping out of my chest I’ll survive, and even though my eyes are filled with tears and I can no longer take my breath I’ll be fine, Regardless that everything seems blurry and my vision’s no longer clear….it will help me move on.

The sky was my only friend and rain….rain was how it showed me her love.

I cared for you; alot; I know I did.

You felt like happiness, only it wasn’t mine. I looked at you with so much admiration, so much passion. You looked at me with recognition like I was me…I was familiar to you. But I was still just me and that hurt a lot.

It really did.

I used to think we were good together, You told me I was your sunshine…Your light house in the darkness. I remember one day when you looked at me really hard, your gaze was different…it was stern yet soft, it was full of words but so empty when you try to read them.

You spoke, your voice just above a whisper…"Guide me home", you said.

"Guide me home". 

But you see, I've given you way too much, I tried the best I could to get you out of this darkness. You called me your home but you never asked me once if this was what I really wanted, you were too busy looking after yourself.

At that point, I was alreadly losing parts of me, I thought maybe this friendship could turn into something more, I thought maybe If I actually gave it a chance this could work.

If you asked me to give you anything at that moment then I would have done it without a second thought. I would have given happy parts of me, anthing that ain't broken glass and burnt ashes.

I wasn’t complete, I know and I wasn’t proud of it…But right then, I was going to give you whatever I had left in me and I wouldn’t even ask you to give it back, I just wanted you to be okay….I wanted you better.

Right now, I recall all those red flags I ignored, I recall how people warned me of the consequences of what I am doing, I chose you over them...I hate that I did.

If I could take it all back, I would.

I would've never replied to your text message....I'd have never been this open with you.

But life....life knows no rewinds my friend and I hate you both for what I feel right now.

 

Till next letter.

 

 

 

Two

 

 

 

 

Letter two

To you,

Someone asked me today if I believed in fairy tales, I said No… You made me doubt my beliefs.

It’s so unfair, you know. The way you affect me, the way you play with my emotions…you do it and you have no right to do so.

You did it with so much ease. It scared me, tore me apart…I was ice; people said I was too cold.

But here you are, and here I am, on this horrible roller coaster of emotions with you.

I was the girl with the messy heart, you were the bestfriend.

Out of the two of us, I was the more silent, the unapprochable, but you? Everybody loved you."Different"….you were different, the way you held yourself together, the way you were always smiles and sunshines, you were there when someone needed you, you had everyone’s backs.

People loved you, you were the kind of person people liked instantly, maybe it was because you were too good, or maybe it was your aura.

I know this, because sadly…I was just one of those people.

I was too naive, or perhaps I saw you all along but refused to achnowledge that you were nothing like what you seemed to be.

Funny part was, you never knew how much people loved you. You never knew how much you meant for others.

You came ranting, you were always ranting; you know.

You'd tell me about those people who hate you.... you'd tell me how your family raised you harshly... you would complain about the future and you had no hope in anything at all... You wanted me to fix you, but you ruined me instead.

When this all started, I thought we were both broken from the inside, we were broken hard and strong. I wondered if that’s why we were close to each other, maybe we were both just trying to survive.

After sometime I figured that we couldn’t do it together, that someone had to let go so the other can continue. I cared too much for you then, I could have stayed broken if it meant you would survive.

 

You didn’t though, you wanted the survival….you let me go.

I don’t blame you, I really don’t. You were smarter…you did what’s right. I was just foolish enough to think you'd care the same way I did, my fault, my mistake…I had to suffer the consequences…and I know that this means nothing to you, but I never thought I would suffer this hard, I never knew it would hurt this much.

 

You made me feel small, you made me compare myself to others. Everyone knew what I was worth but you.... you belittled every freaking achievement I reached just because you could't have it, you mimiced everything I did, asked all those questions about me...just because I shined bright and you wanted that...you stole my light and darkened my days.

 

This means nothing to you, but my heart is breaking….my soul is aching and my body always seems as if it’s on fire. I am burning, I can see the flames….sometimes I fear people can see them too…. I don’t want  people figuring out how you broke me; I don’t want people seeing how much I ached because of you.

It’s a shame, because you meant alot to me and I was like the rest to you.

 

I feel weak, I hate it.

You used me to heal yourself, you used me to get closer to her...this whole friendship was a lie.

A sad sad story.

I wanted nothing than a safe place…you wanted nothing to do with me.

I told you I believed in fairy tales and I didn’t lie. I really do believe in them. I mean look at me, why else would I have given you a chance, look at us. I thought you could be my fairy tale.

But perhaps not all fairy tales are happy ever after ones, some are tragedies and we my dear, were one.

You were a tragedy, in every sense and in every way.

 

Till my next letter,

 

 

Three

 

 

 Letter Three,

To you:

 

Today is hard.

My sobs are uglier than usual.

I am carrying myself with every strength I have left within me and it's still not enough.

No one knows what happened between us both, everyone will makeup his own version of our story.

I hate that a story of ours exists.

I despise you.

But I will tell the story exactly how it shall be narrated, it's short, very short....one and a half year of lies and empty promises.

You decided you wanted to be close to her, so you befriended me.

You didn't know that I'd turn to be more though right? I know, I too, surprise myself.

 So you decided I was the bestfriend, the shoulder you'd cry on, the smart girl who's gonna make the world better and the ray of sunshine in that shithole you lived in. You knew everything about me, you bombared me with gifts, you'd spend days and nights texting me just to earn my trust.

Or perhaps just to be close to her.

Everything was a lie.

You weren't who I thought you were...you acted as if you liked me but you didn't. Or wait, you did...but you liked how she looks more..pathetic, miserable. I look at you and cry for all this time you stole from me.. my days, my hours, my laughs, I put you over my friends, my family.... I thought maybe you loved me enough to make me fight in this miserbale world.

Why, why did I have to meet you and get my heart broken?

I feel betrayed, I feel foolish... People fear me, they think am too much and they believe my heart died a long time ago...meanwhile you tricked me, and now my heart is dying, all because of you.

All those walks, all those open talks, all the time you insisted to wait for me till my lectures end.... all the days you'd appear out of the blue to become close to me.

Lies, freakin lies.

You wanted her and not me... I hate you.

 I can't talk, I can't function, I am doing horribly in my studies and I spend the day crying...why?

Not because I fell in love with you, I no longer know what love means....but because I feel daggers in my heart, I thought you were the only real person among all those fake ones.

 

I won't fall though.... I will keep going.

Till my next letter.

 

 

Four

 

 

 

Letter Four,

To you:

 

You know...I have never thought of the world as my friend, I knew how rude and cruel she could be...so harsh sometimes I could barely keep on moving, so unfair that I wondered why it hated me so much.

Days passed, and never did I think any other way of this world, I kept hoping things got better...I kept praying that I’d be strong enough to get over the cruelty  surrounding me and I gave myself a promise to love my life and live it to the fullest even if the world kept on hating me anyway.

 

Every night before sleeping, I prayed to God to help me find love, I thought that love conquerd it all...that even if the world wasn’t my best friend, my lover would make it all up for me. I thought if I fell in love and was loved back as much..I could fight the darkness that surrounded my life….I was in awe of all those love stories I read about, I fell in love with the idea of being loved and I ached for such a feeling so much...so I kept on praying and kept on waiting, until the stars take sympathy on me and grant me the most beautiful gift anyone  could ever ask for.

 

Then you came.

From the day I met you, you were so familiar...like we have always known each other. Funny how you knew how to fit into my life perfectly...like you had it planned all along. We moved from strangers, to friends and in less than a year you became my best friend.

 

You were so into me in every sense, you remembered stuff that no one gave a second thought...what I liked, what I hated. You answered all my questions perfectly like you wanted to impress me...and maybe you did. All the things you'd do for me, all the times you seemed as if you got my back. I lived in the illusion of having someone...I thought that person was you.

Do you blame me though? Do you know how many people asked me if we were a thing? 

You don't care this much for a friend my dear, but looks like that doesn't work for you.

 

I was curios to get to know your darkness... your soul. I thought I could heal you and I was on a mission... perhaps I got attched on my way to fix you and that's something I am regretting now.

You were bad for me, most people told me so but I never listened to them, I was hoping with everything in me that they would turn out wrong. I wanted us to turn into the beautiful fairy tale we read about in books. I let myself believe that we could happen, that maybe friendship can turn into more. so I waited and waited .

 

Time passed, days went by and we only got closer….we talked everyday, talked about everything.It was like we were making memories...the kind of memories you never forget, the ones that make your heart blossom just by thinking of them.

 

Of course I was wrong, of course I had always been wrong.

You started acting weird after sometime, I saw you around her, the way you looked at her...the way you talked about her often...there were so many signs and dearest one..I knew you so well.

My mind knew you loved her, but it was too hard for my heart to comprehend such a thing.

I didn't want to believe that you only knew me to get closer to her, that I was only a means to an end.

Since then I was living in a battle, my heart and my mind were shouting at me...each one of them couldn’t believe the other and neither of them was ready to lose...between the both of them I felt torn, sometimes it would get so much and I would break, other times I would cry myself to sleep just to run away from everything that was surrounding me.

The pain I held became so familiar, I  could no longer remember how it felt like to be free from this and by time I found myself trying to let you go, I tried to save myself from whatever was waiting for me at the end of the road, my heart knew that this story would never end well for me..but I was stubborn, My ego didn't allow me to give up.

 

Good days were followed by heartache, it became so normal to me until one Wednesday came and my world was no longer the same.

 

You said it, you said it and I felt so many things, you told me you love me and at that day I never really cared about anything else. It felt like I've been running for so long and finally I could breath. I was safe, our friendship wasn't a lie and it evolved to something more.

 

But not for long.

 

Sometime later you told me you loved my friend.

Yes, You were miserable, You told me everything was a mistake... that you have feelings for me but your feelings for her were stronger.

How can someone be this disgusting? 

You made me doubt myself, you made me hate everything I once loved myself for.... How can you love someone then not love them the next day?

You were sick, and you broke me.

The rest of the story doesn’t matter….all the days that followed make no sense now, you loved my friend all along it has always been her...I was nothing, I was nothing to you.

 

I am holding my broken heart now and I am walking away, I promised to never let you hurt me this bad again, you told me that you tried to love me but you couldn’t….you told me we couldn’t decide whom our hearts fell for and I wanted at that very moment to go back to the very first day I met you, so that I would never did.

 

I wonder now, if all boys are as cruel...I wonder if I was too hard to love that you couldn’t love me despite everything I have done to you.

You took a piece of me and I am never getting it back now...I hate you for this, I hate you so much for this.

I’ll let you go now, and I promised myself to never talk to you again...I just wanted to ask you one last question….for old times sake, although I know now that you never cared for them as much….I let you go and you seemed fine, more than fine actually. You went back to your life so smoothly that i wondered if I was ever a part of it...I don’t blame you though.

 

You ran back to her, you went where your heart guided you...You never cared if I lost mine and once again, I don’t blame you...or maybe I do….

So tell me, tell me where broken hearts go.

 

                                                             from me,

                                                                                    

 

 

 

Five

 

 

 Letter five,

To you:

 

This is my last letter to you, 

I wanted my closure and I got it today.

You told me everything, you told me how you love her all along... you told me that I was never intended to appear in your way but I did.

I made you doubt everything and your feelings were all over the place.

You said that I was almost perfect, but almost was not enough and I listened to you telling me all about your pathetic self for one last time.

 

The thing is, I wasn't hurting.

The pain made me numb.

I insisted we meet because I wanted answers and I wanted to show you that I no longer cared.

I wanted to prove to myself that I was the one capable of letting go and not you.

I wanted you to regret this, and I did.

 

I walked away after listening to whatever you had to say, I knew deep down that I'd never talk to you again, but I never showed it.

You were wondering how I was all smiles and laughter, you asked me if I loved you and the answer was No... I didn't.

I was in love with the idea of love and love was not you.

I am driving home with satisfaction, I know you'll suffer from now on, you'll regret what you have done but it's gonna be too late.

I feel nothing, I won't cry anymore into my pillows...this is no joke but I am really okay.

My heart doesn't hurt, my soul is broken but I'll fix it.

I know now I never loved you because you never deseved love.

 

I don't need to collect my broken pieces, because what I've lost wasn't me anyway... that was somebody who lived a lie, and now I am back.

You texted me after I got home, You asked me to help you ask her out... funny, yeah?

 Not really, this is who you are...who you've always been.

 

The story ends here.... You're buried in these pages forever.

From now on, My letters won't be addressed to you, I'll wait for my true one... It'll take sometime but I'll wait.

I'll wait forever if I had to.

And you? 

You are nothing but broken glass and burnt ashes.

 

Till never,

me.

Six

 

 

Dearest real one :

I need you to promise me things,

Lots of them.

I will love you so much it would probably hurt you,

I could wake you up at 4 am because I felt like doing so,

I’ll take your hands...guide you to the stars.

I need you to come with me, I need you to handle my madness.

There is chaos inside me,

Thunder and rain,

I carry the pain of yesterday and the fear of tomorrow…

I want to be something more, but most days..you’ll see me doing nothing at all.

I’ll probably tell people to smile,

I keep happiness plastered on my face.

I like happiness you know, such a sweet taste...such a good time.

But you’ll find me sobbing into my pillow at night.

Learn how to make me stop.

Only you can make me stop.

I love people, so much and unconditionally.

Sometimes, I wish I could hug their broken pieces and put them together..

I wish I could make it better,

Make  the pain fade away.

I hug them in my mind...sometimes I cry for them at night.

I need you to accept this.

I am no saint, but I hurt for others.

I carry the sadness of the world inside me….sometimes it engulfs me completely.

And I get lost in its darkness.

When it does so, please don’t leave me alone.

Take me to the light, am tired of hurting alone.

I talk nonsense…

When I’am tired, when i'm sick, when I’am hurting, When I fail…

I talk nonsense most of the time.

I’ll tell you no when my heart is dying to tell you yes.

I need you to understand me when I can no longer understand myself.

I need you to shut me up when you feel like it.

Kiss me like I am oxygen, and you’re gasping for breath.

Your kisses can fix my broken pieces,

Your kisses will fill my empty parts.

You’ll make me full again, You’ll make me alive.

Today,Sorrow compressed my heart,

I felt like I'm gonna die,

Like the world was so much and I couldn’t handle it anymore,

Like you were an illusion and I can no longer hold onto you.

I felt like I needed to disappear,

Move to a far far place,

Maybe I’ll travel to the moon,

And maybe am never coming back.

But how would I do so, when all I ever wanted was to be found?

I am so fragile my dearest,

So damn fragile…

Between the few good moments, between the little happy times.

I am a child at heart.

A naive little soul with lots of hope,

I see all kinds of love in the world,

Never the same love twice,

I wish I could taste them,

Try what each one feels like.

But oh my little silly heart,

Greedy thing you are...I tell myself,

Because maybe just maybe,

The world wouldn’t grant me any love at all.

My heart aches just from the thought, and the sadness overcomes again.

If only I could face the truth,

If only I could be brave enough to understand,

That although most people may seem like they love me,

Not all of them can love me enough,

I can't blame them though,

I just need to get over it.

I need to start living with it.

Dearest,

Did I mention how much of a mess I can be?

Did I tell you how I get sad from the little things?

I knew how unimportant it was,

I swear I did,

But it made me sad anyway.

I went home and let the sadness consume me for sometime, then I got happy again.

You’ll handle this right,

I believe you can.

I am waiting for you,

I have been for such a long time.

And I will wait no matter how long it takes.

So, till we meet?

Yours,

always.

Seven

 

 

 

 

He was my favorite.

Always have been.

Chocolate brown eyes that made my heart warm.

He was the last shining star in this wild wild galaxy,

My lucky charm,

The highlight of my day.

He was the one thing that mattered,

The soft breeze that calmed my soul every night.

He was my melody,

The missing lyrics of my songs.

Life made sense when he was around,

“Tell me all the terrible things you’ve ever done, all the secrets you kept to yourself and let me love you anyway…” He said.

I was in his arms, the heat of his body warmed mine...never had it ever felt like this.

He was whispering sweet words into my ears, I wanted to hold onto him forever.

Sometimes when it got too much I cried, he saw me though...he always did.

Never did he ever leave me, he held me close...spoke softly into my neck, his words brought shivers into my spine, and butterflies into my stomach.

“I love you” he’d say,

“You’re fire baby, and I’ve been cold all my life.” He said.

My tears dried every time you said those words, peace engulfed my soul and I knew that for that night we were okay.

I remember the how you laughed, the sound of your laughter and the way your dimples would appear making my favorite show.

I remember that crooked tooth of yours,the one that drove you crazy every time you looked into the mirror.You said it ruined that face of yours, I thought it only ruined hearts and lots of them.

I saw the light with you every morning, It was safe to fall asleep knowing you'd be here when I wake up.

I used to close my eyes sometimes and wonder how you turned out to be my lighthouse, my safe haven and my sanity in the madness of the world.

Why did you have to be so beautiful, so bright...you made the dark days fade away...you made home no longer an address but a pair of brown eyes greeting me with feelings.

You were too much, you were nothing at all.

You were a rainy day, dying to be danced in.

You were water, deep water that was enough to save me.

You held the love of the world in your arms,

And you poured it right here in front of me.

You were hard, of course you were hard.

Hard is what made you great,

Hard is what made you different.

You melted in my arms though,

You tore apart and cried your heart of.

You told me how cruel the world was, and how it was never easy.

I would play with your hair,

You loved it when I played with your hair.

You’d tell me everything that mattered and everything that made no sense at all..

And with every word you said, I fell harder for you.

Like loving you was never enough,

And my feelings for you had no limits.

You’d sleep then, a sweet sound coming out of you.

Beautiful rhythm of your breaths, indicating how tired the world had got you.

I’d kiss your heart then, and thank God for you like I do every night.

Then I’d drift to sleep.

Sometimes, I could feel his dreams bound with mine like pages of a fairy tale.

Like the world was ours and we’d forever carry our memories with us.

You were too much, you were nothing at all.

I loved you.

So hard, so much.

I opened my eyes then.

I was all alone, emptiness surrounded my heart and I thought am gonna die.

Then I woke up.

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 19.02.2017

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For myself, Thank you for being there when no one else was.