Prologue

Here I am again.

In this room with white quilted walls and a white bed with no windows. The lights flicker every now and then. You can’t even find the door because it blends in with the walls.

This place is a prison. They feed you bland food with no taste. And you have to eat it. If you don’t, they will think that you are starving yourself and keep you even longer. So you have no choice whatsoever.

This is my second time in here.

My first time was when I was 13 and I tried to overdose on some pills that my friend gave me. She told me that if I took the pills that all my troubles will go away and I didn’t have to worry anymore. Well, lets just say that they almost went away. The next day, i pretended to be sick so that I can stay at home and die alone. But my older brother decided to get suspended from school that day and came home early. When he got home, he found me in the bathroom and immediately called the police. I tried to stop him and tell him I was okay because it turns out I didnt take enough to die but it was already too late when the ambulance showed up and had me strapped onto the gurney. When we got to the hospital, my mom and aunt was already there and balling their eyes out.

They sent me to the mental hospital for children but let me tell you...it didnt do anything for me. I came out just as the ame I went in. All that they did was tell me how wrong I was and yell at me for trying to kill myself. And then when it was time to go, they prescribed me anti-depressants.

Still didnt help by the way.

From that day forward, I learned to keep a smile on my face and my feelings on the inside. Every time someone asks me how I am doing, I will give them the same answer:I am Okay. Or I am doing great.

I have kept up this charade for three years now and I have finally broken.

I didnt think I could hold myself up that long.

I am in here today because I…..

Wait. I want to tell you the story, the whole story. With every detail and every word so that you understand.

 

Once upon a time....

Chapter One

 

Hi. My name is Emily Roland.

I am 16 years old.

I have one older brother named Jace and he is 18. He is a senior this year in high school but I don't think that he is graduating anytime soon.

And I hate my life.

I know that's probably what you don't want to hear but that's what this whole story is about.

Why do I hate my life you must ask..

Well, let me tell you.

It all started when I was 7 years old. That was the time that my mom decided that she wanted to leave. My dad was a hard working business man but not enough apparently for my mom. She ran off with some younger guy from the office she used to work at. My dad was devastated.

He end up losing his job and his mind while at it. Some days, he will be perfectly fine and then other days, he would sit at the kitchen table with his hand over his mouth and a stern look on his face, staring off into space all day, not moving an inch. I felt bad for my father because he worked so hard to keep our family together. My parents were always arguing no matter what it was about.

Money. Cars. Bills. Who cheated first….

It was a mess.

I remember some nights I would sit in front of my door with a chair under the handle holding my hands to my ears either crying or cuddling up next to my dog,Thunder.
I have always felt safe with Thunder. And I have always felt safe with Jace. But never around my own parents. I always was scared that they were going to blow at some point.

Around the age of 9, my dad got a new job at another office building, met a woman at his office, his intern at that, and he fell in love. They dated for a couple of months and during that couple of months, he was the happiest I have ever seen him. He was smiling. He was laughing. He was playing.

But once again, it didn't last long. She was fired because she had some sex scandal going on, and my father once again, fell into depression.

This time deeper.

He didn't sleep. He didn't eat. He didn't smile. He didn't work. He didn't laugh. He didn't live.

He would lay in his bed all day or be in his office, staring at his computer screen.

Then around the age of 10, he started to drink. He would drink and drink and drink.

He soon lost his memory. He lost his patience. He would physically abuse me and Jace. I remember one time he locked jace in the closet for two days without food because he got in trouble at school. I helped him out and tried to sneak in as much as I could but I couldn't do it often.

He lost all hope. And he lost faith. And soon…

He lost his life.

He was drunk and driving Jace and I to school. He was yelling at us for not doing the dishes right and he turned around only for a second, and we got hit.

I remember waking up to sirens and smoke everywhere. I remember crying out dad’s name as I watch him bleed and die right in front of me.

Jace and I had minor injuries. I had a broken arm and some head injuries and Jace had a broken leg and some internal bleeding from crushed organs.
I remember being in shock while sitting in the hospital waiting room...waiting for my mom.

When she arrived, she was so different. She had brown hair instead of blonde and it was longer. She was much skinnier. And she was wearing something I would have never thought I would see my mother wear:a sundress.

She came over in tears talking about how she missed her babies. But I didn't care...because she left us. She packed us into the car and told us that we are going to be okay.

She took us by our house to pack stuff up until she could get us a new wardrobe but I didn't want anything. All I wanted was Thunder.
She didn't want to keep him but I cried and cried. She eventually called her new fiance and he said yes.

There was no way I was leaving without Thunder.

I grabbed all of his stuff and packed it in the car.

All I grabbed of mine was my headphones and mp3 player.

The drive there was the longest ride of my life. She lived way off into the country. I fell asleep at some time during the ride so I wasn't awake for the full ride.

I woke up to the car bumping and shaking as we dorve up her 50 yard driveway.
Her house...is beautiful.

There is a big fountain in the front yard with flowers around it and two big palm trees beside is.. The front yard alone is about the size of half a football field.

The driveway goes around in a u-turn out into the street again.

The house alone is so...so big.

Like a mansion. My mother parked in front of the house and her fiance was sitting on the front stairs with a big smile on his face. He helped and all of that.

All of that gibberish.
The house was huge on the inside. It had a ballroom, 7 bedrooms and 9 bathrooms.

Nine. Nine bathrooms.

But anyway….

We finally settled in about two weeks later. We got our own rooms and even had walk in closets.

We should be happy right?

Wrong.

I still have nightmares. I still have memories of my dad. I still have visions.

I have flashbacks of how my dad looked when he was in the front seat dying.

I will never forget that face. I still cry every night.

And I am secretly sad.

When I turned 13, my Thunder died.

My poor...little Thunder died of old age.

I couldn't stand it.

I lost two of the most important things in my life. I hate my mom.

I don't know what to live for anymore. So I tried to kill myself.
It didn't really work out and I was put in a mental hospital for two weeks.

I haven't been in school for two years now and tomorrow is my first day back…

Yay.

Couldn't be happier.

 

Today is my first day at Cypress Bay High School in Weston, Florida. And I am supposed to be happy because this is my first year back at public school.

For the past couple of years, I have had a private tutor come to my house and keep me up to date with all my schooling. I have also done online schooling but my mom tells me that I have to get back out there in the world and make new friends.

The only person that I have actually talked to is either Jace or a person that goes to that school name Christopher.

He is gay and right now...he is one of my best friends.
Probably my only friend but, he is my best friend. He told me yesterday that he couldn't wait to see me today at school and that he wants to be my tour guide.

I am kind of happy to have someone care so much.

Well my mom cares, but only because she has to; She is our mother.

Over the past couple of years, I have grown pretty close to my mom’s new husband.

His name is Brent. He has become like a father to me. Like a real father…..

Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!

My alarm goes off beside my head, blaring in my ear. I groan and turn over in my bed, slamming my hand down on my snooze button.

“EMILY!....Emily wake up please!”

I groaned and put my pillow over my face. I could hear my mother’s high heels in the hallway, clacking down on the wooden floor.

Knock.Knock.Knock.

“Emily!.....Emily get up….”
I could hear my door open and my mother come in. I lifted my head just a little.

“Moooommm. What are you doing?”

She pulled open my curtains, allowing a big ray of sunshine to hit me right in the face. She looked at me with her hands on her hips.

“Get up. We have to be at your school at 9:30….And it's already 8:45. Now get up…”

I plopped my head back down and sighed.

“Not today….can't I go tomorrow?”

She started grabbing on my blankets and pulling them off of me.

“If you don't get out of this bed...we have been putting this off for two weeks.”

I pulled back, trying to hide a smile.
“Moom.”
A deep husky, country voice came from my doorway.

“Well, what is going down in here?”

It was Brent. Mom straightened up and cleared her throat.

“Your daughter….wont get out of bed. And we have 45 more minutes left…,” She looked at her watch,”Well, 38 now..”

He chuckled and walked over to my bed. He kissed mom’s forehead and sat on the edge of my bed.

“I got this lovebug. She will be ready in 30..”

My mom smiled and kissed his cheek.

“Thank you.”

She gave me a glare before walking out of the room. I saw his hand peek under the pillow and lift it up and little so that he can see my face.

“Planning on getting up anytime soon? I kind of have to be a work in about 20 minutes.”

I sighed in frustration and sat up. I looked at him with a frown.

“Why do I have to go back today?”

He shifted to where he was facing me.

“Well, it’s your spring semester of junior year and you have already missed about half of your schooling already. You know you have to go to school in order to get into college and move on with your life….Right?”

I nodded.

“I guess you are right…”

He looked at me.

“But that's not the reason you don't want to go back to school….is it?”

I bit the inside of my lip.

“.......No.”

He nodded.
“I figured. So...What is the real reason?”

I sat on the bed beside him, with my legs dangling off the side.

“I don't want to be judged…..I feel like a lot of people are going to judge me based on what I did 3 or 4 years ago.”

He put his arm around me and laughed.

“ Are you kidding me...of course they are going to judge you. That's what people do…”
I groaned and stood up, walking over to my dresser. He continued.

“But, it is only an issue when they are still judging you for something you did 4 years ago. You were young and you didn't know what you were doing. But my point is...is that it’s high school. Nobody is going to remember. Right now, they are probably gossiping about what Johnny did with Christy in the bathroom yesterday.”

I laughed a little. He stood up and walked over to me.

“You go to school Em. And you go in with your head held high and make a first impression all over again.”

I smiled.

“Thanks dad.”

He kissed my forehead and started walking towards the door.

“You are so very welcome. Don't forget what I said. You are stronger than you think and hey…,” He looked at me. “Eat today. At least an apple…”

I nodded and watched him walk out of the door, closing the door behind him. I looked at myself in my full length mirror. I slowly lifted my shirt to see my ribs, poking my skin, looking like they are going to bust through at any minute. My eyes started to tear up and I wiped my face, trying to get of any evidence of crying before my mom came up.

Anytime she sees me crying now, she is all over me. In case the situation happens again. But I learned how to hide my feelings. So now she will never know.

At least I hope.

I pull off my shirt and put on a white Adidas t-shirt with a pair of dark blue pre-ripped jeans. I walked into the bathroom and put on my makeup and did my hair.

After I was done, I looked at myself in the mirror.

I hate being like this. I hate putting on makeup. I hate looking like a barbie doll. 

I hate looking fake.

Chapter Two

 

Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring.

The school bells ring as my mother and I walk up the stairs to the school entrance. I try to hide behind her but she continues to pull me forward, hooking her arm in mine.
I know I look different from the last time I was in school because of my weight and hitting puberty but I feel like everyone still knows who I am.

The depressed, lonely girl who tried to kill herself.

My mom opened the doors to my school, holding it open for me to walk in.

The school is actually bigger than I thought it was going to be. I was expecting a small community high school but nope. I got a high school that looks like it could be a small college campus.

Three story, brick building with a track, baseball and softball field and a pool for our swim team.

Well, I don't know I expected less because I do live in a rich community.

So I already know that all the girls in here are going to be snobby, prissy, stuck-up girls whose mommies and daddies give them anything they want and they think that they run the school.

I follow my mom to my office, keeping my head low from anyone who might recognize me that might be passing by.

I open the door to the front office and followed my mom to wherever she was going.

She stopped at the front desk and started talking to the lady.

I took the chance to look outside at all the people passing by.

I could still remember some of their faces from eighth grade. Passing by right now was Ethan Michaels. The jock of our grade. He must still be becuase he is wearing a varsity jacket with his name printed on the front. He is still looking as hot as he always was. I used to have a crush on Ethan from the second grade when we were on the playground and I fell off the swing and scraped my knee. He was the only one who asked if I was okay and then carried -well partially- me to the nurse's office.

He still has his boyish features from the last time I saw him. His jawline got stronger and sharper. His hair is still brown and that same haircut from eighth grade. He definitely got stronger and more muscular; but not too much, just in the middle of too buff and too skinny. He kind of walks with a limp now.

I wonder what happened….

But my thoughts were interrupted when he caught my eye. My whole world slowed down and I couldn't breathe for a second. His eyes are a crystal blue with dark indigo rims; just like when I left him.

He smiled a little. His perfect white smile that I missed so much.

That I have only seen on the internet for the past two years.
Its just too real for me.

I caught my breath and forced myself to look away. I turned towards my mom and the lady, trying to calm down.

My mom looked at me.

“You alright honey?”

I nodded and smiled a little.

“Yeah...just some first day nerves.”

She smiled and turned back to the lady, rubbing my back. I looked down and slowly back out the window. He was leaned against the wall, talking to his buddies. I bit my lip and smiled a little.

I kind of missed being here and seeing his face.

I am actually glad to be back right now.

I walked into my third hour class. Some girl in the fourth year gave me a tour of the high school. She talked so nasally and stuck up. I hated every second of hearing her voice.

I walked to the very back of the classroom next to a window that oversees the track and tennis court. People started filing in, gossiping about something in school just like Brent had said they would.

The teacher stood in front of the classroom and started writing on the board as the final bell rang for class to start. I sat down and pulled out a notebook and my colored pens.

If there is one thing you should know about me it is that I am OCD.

I take notes in different colors and categories.

“Welcome back class. I hope you all had a wonderful 3 day weekend in this beautiful March weather. Today we have a new student in our class, “ He held his hand out towards me. “Ms. Roland, welcome to AP English Literature. We will have someone help you cat-”

He was cut off by someone coming in the door. Everyone turned their heads.

My day got a little bit brighter as soon as I realized who it was.

None other than Ethan Michaels.
Our teacher sighed and held out his hand.

“Mr. Michaels…”
Ethan smiled and handed him a yellow slip. The teacher scanned it over quickly and then squished it in his hand, throwing it in the trash.

“Go take an open seat.”

He scanned the classroom. I did too, looking for the person who I would have to be jealous at for getting to sit by him. There were no open seats…..

Except the one next to me.

My heart stopped as I looked up slowly and caught his eyes. His smile grew as he walked towards me.

“Hey.” He said as he took the seat next to me.

I smiled a little.

“Hi.”

The teacher cleared his throat.

“So, as I was saying….Ms. Roland. I will assign someone to help you catch up.”
Ethan raised his hand.

“I’ll do it. “

I looked at him and the teacher back and forth. The teacher did look like he wanted to do that very much. I took one final look at the teacher who just sighed and sat down at his desk.

“Fine, Mr. Michaels. But you must promise to have her caught up in a couple of weeks. We cant lag behind.”

Ethan shrugged.

“Totally Mr. Edwards. I got you.”

Edwards frowned.

“Don't say totally in my classroom...again.”

The class laughed as Ethan said a small sorry.

 

My day has gone by pretty fast. And better than I thought it would.
I got to sit by Ethan Michaels. I got to talk to Ethan Michaels.

Life is great so far.

Right now, I am in the library away from the cafeteria so that I wouldnt be tempted to eat. I sat reading a book in the very back where no one could find me.

Or so I thought…

“Hey.”
I jumped, yelping and dropping the book on the ground. I looked up at who was talking.

Ethan.

Figures…

I bent down to pick up the book.

“Hi.”

Ethan came around the thing. Tapping his hands along the bookshelf.

“What are you doing in here?”

I Stood up and held up the book.

“Just….reading I guess.”
He nodded and took the book out of my hands. He turned it around.

“Seems….interesting.”

I nodded and took it back.

“Yeah… why do you think I am reading it?”

He laughed a little and scratched the back of his head.

“Yeah well...good luck with that. Um...anyway. I am going to this party tonight and was wondering if you wanted to come with me….Maybe I can help you catch up a little.”

I made a face.
Inside….I am screaming. Ethan Michaels just asked me to go to a party with him.
I slowly nod.

“I will have to ask my mom and dad. But I want to come….so I will find a way. “

He chuckled.
“Well, if you need a ride or something just let me know. And I can come pick you up or whatever.”
I nodded.
“Of course…”
He tapped the bookshelf twice before backing away.

“See you later.”

I stood there standing like an idiot for the next few minutes, watching him leave before I realized...I didnt have his number.

The bell rang for the warning as I sighed in frustration and gathered my things to go to my next block. I put the book back on the shelf where it belong and left the library.

No one was in the hallways as I was walking down, trying to figure out my schedule when I heard something.

Something beautiful..

Piano Music being played.

I looked around for the place that it was coming from and it led me to a room. A big open room with walls made of windows and nothing else but a big black piano in the middle of the floor.

I walked around it and saw a guy, just about my age, playing it.

His eyes were closed as his fingers moved gracefully across the piano keys, all in tune and beautiful. I recognized the song right away.

It was a song called Maybe by a piano player name Yiruma.

I stood there as I listened to him play, falling deep into a trance. I don't know how long I have been standing there before I realized he stopped playing.

I looked up and he was smiling, looking at me.

“May I help you madam?.”

Oh. My. Sweet. Jesus.
He is british.

His accent just as good as his looks. His dark brown hair all ruffled on his head and his hazel green eyes contrasting with his pale skin.

He cleared his throat.

“Hello?”

I jumped, being pulled from my fantasies.

“Oh. I am sorry. I just got lost looking for my class….and then I heard your music.”

He smiled and stood up. He was tall and slim muscular. He grabbed his backpack off of the floor.

“Well my apologies. I didnt mean for that to happen.”

I watched as he started to leave the piano room. He opened the door and looked back.

“Well….we might as well find your class shall we?”

He gestured out the door. I nodded and started walking towards him.

“Yeah…...of course.”

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 19.04.2017

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