where it all began

It all started in 7th grade, there was only two days of school left and she was so excited to get away from that place that she once loved. School was barable when she had her bestfriend by her side, but people change and move on and that year she lost her bestfriend, and it killed her it tore her apart inside. But lets go back to where it all started, in 5th grade they we're both new to their school. That day they had to introduce there selves to the whole class, saying their names and telling something about them selves. The teacher decided to put them next to eachother so they could become friends, and even though neither of them ever thought this they'd become best friends in the next couple of days. The second day of school they talked and the third and fouth and fith day too, they ended up becoming the best of friends. They did everything together and never left each others side, they had other friends too. Yet they didn't care, they just wanted to be with each other and they we're, through out the whole intire 5th grade the stayed friends and no one ever came in between them. They we're together all summer long they never let each others side. Then 6th grade came along and they weren't in the same class anymore, but they didn't care they we're still always together when the could be. They never let anyone come in between their friendship, everyone knew they we're best friends and even when they got into fights, they had to talk to each other because they couldn't be apart. Every day after school they'd go to each others house, they called each others parents mom and dad. They knew each others whole family and their families knew them. No one ever came between them and no matter what happened they promised that they'd be bestfriends forever. But one day one of the girls found out she was going to move, and they cryed and cryed for days and they stayed together for as long as possible and it tore them apart because they didn't want to say goodbye, so they made a bucket list and they did everything. They spent every moment together because they knew they didn't have much time together left. Over the summer the spent every single day togther, they never left each others side. In the end the girl didn't end up moving and they cryed and screamed and they we're so happy that they could still be bestfriends. Then 7th grade came along and they started drifting apart one of them became really popular and fit in with everyone and they tryed to keep there friendship together, but they she let go she made new friends, and she broke all her promises. It killed her but she had to let go, she had to walk awy from her friend but hse knew that one day this would happen, but she missed her bestfriend. She cryed and cryed for days she skipped school and hung out with older people the school year wen't on and on and it got worse and worse, because no matter who she talked to and who she became friends with she couldn't forget about her bestfriend. It killed her every day and every night, then summer finally came and she could escape everything, but then she started hanging out with a older girl trying to replace her bestfriend. They drank and smoked and had sex with anyone they could just to forget all their promblems, one day she couldn't stop thinking about all their memories and she cut herselg. She tryed to take the pain away and she cut and cut and cut and it bkeed and bleed and bleed. She didn't care though she just wanted the pain to go away. While she was laying awake crying hurt, lost and depressed. Her "bestfriend" was surronded buy people she was happy with she never thought about her "bestfriend" she was happy. Then the girl meant this guy and he made her happy, and she loved him and he knew everyhting about her, he knew she cut herself and that she was hurt. They we're together all the time, they loved eachother. They spent the night together and slept together and the girl was in love him, no matter what he did or said to her she'd always come back to him. 

hope

They stayed together for almost three years, she was so emotionally attached to him that she never wanted to let go. He was tall with green eyes and perfect lips, their hands fit together so perfectly and his smile and laugh and voice made her fall even harder. They talked about having kids and getting married and being together forvever, and she really thought that they would be. Then school started again and by now she was in 8th grade and school got better she had lots of new friends and she wasn't so sad anymore. But her "bestfriend" was in so many classes with her and she had to see her everyday and it killed her inside, she wanted to talk to her and go back to the way things we're but she knew they wouldn't. So again she cut herself over and over again and then she would cry and cry and she'd feel so hopeless. and lost but he'd come and make her feel all better. He'd talk to her and hold her and telll her that everything would be okay. Even though in the end it wouldn't be becasue, he was keeping a secret from her. He had ro leave and go far far away and he wouldn't be coming back for a long time. As months past the girl became friends with all her "bestfriends" friends, trying to get closer to her and maybe just maybe get her back. She started giving up there was only one month of school left, but then this boy started texting her "bestfriend". It was one of her friends and he would always talk about her and ask why they stopped being friends and the she would just say she didn't know. Then a few days later at school she saw her "bestfriend" and sher smiled and she smiled back and then in one of the classes they had together, her "bestfriend" talked to her. She was so happy and everything was okay she was so happy and everything seemed right and her bestfriend and her we're bestfriends again. That day after school they hungout it was raining outside and her tummy was turning and she was so scared, because something felt so wrong. They we're together all night that day and they talked and talked and cryed and got everything out. She showed her bestfriends the cuts upon her wrist and they cryed and cryed somemore, because the truth was they both missed each other. That night she wen't back home with a smile on her face.

Him...

When she finally arrived home he was waiting outside for her, he wasn;t smiling or happy to see her. Even thought the sky was dark the moonlight shown on his face showed that he was crying. She asked him what was wrong and she ran to his arms, he just pushed her away and said they needed to talk. So they sat there and he told her that he was moving far far away and he wouldn't see her for a long time, and she dropped to her knees in tears and she screamed and cryed. He sat there beside her holding her in his arms and cryed with her, they spent that night together and she knew the next day he'd be packing to leave her, and even with him being 5,252 miles away they we're going to try to make it work. So for about 3 months they had a long distance relationship and they would talk and skype every single night, he had a flight ready to come back and see her and they we're both so excited to be together again. But as days past he didn't want to try anymore, so he gave up and he moved on and he never told ther girl. Weeks later with no calls from him she began to worry and she cryed and cryed and cut and cut over again, that night he told her that it was over and that he wanted too see other people. She cryed and cryed and threw everything and screamed and she wanted to end all the pain she drank and drank and cut some more and wanted to die. She was alone, and hurt, and scared and she hated it. He ripped her heart out and stomped on it, he broke all his promises. She didnt talk to anyone, she didnt eat or sleep or drink or move for days, she couldn't cry or talk or breath. She just wanted to die right there, then she heard a knock at the door and it was her bestfriend, when she saw her face she dropped to her knees and cryed her eyes out. Her bestfriend he;d her and told her everything was going to be okay, the girl screamed and cryed and said "no it wont because in the end i lose everyone who matters to me" her bestfriend said you wont lose me. She looked up with tear filled eyes and said i've already lost you once, i could lose you again at any second. Her bestfriend stayed with her that night, she tryed to make her okay but she still wanted to die she was still crying.

Memories

 By now it was the summer and the 8th grade year was over, she was still heart broken and she still wanted to die everyday and she still cut herself and starved herself and she still wasn't okay. But now she had her bestfriend back and just like before, they spent every day possible together. They wen't camping, and swimming and they just did everything together. They we're insepratable and even though everyone else thought them being friends again would end badly they didnt care, they never left each others side, and her bestfriend promised her thaty she'd never leave again. She knew what she did was stupid, she alway thought about her too and she was hurt too. That whole summer they became so close, they had their friendship back and nothing was going to come in the middle of this. They changed and acted different but they did it together, all the people she left her bestfriend for stopped talking to her. She didn't need them though she had her bestfriend back. Then finally 9th grade came along, and now they we're in highschool and for awhile evrything was perfect.They both made new friends but they remained bestfriends. They didn't have classes together buty they we're always together. Throught the year they started getting farther and farther apart they got in arrugments all the time, and she thought she was going to lose her bestfrind again. She was so scared she cryed and cryed, and everything seemed to be crashing around her things at home got bad, he came back and wanted to see her, she thought she was losing her bestfriend, she satrted losing people. It was too much to handle and she took out the razor and cut her wrist not to deep but enough to feel paon, enough to make it bleed. Then she did one more and one more untiul her intire wrist was covered, it wouldn;t stop bleeding and she got scared she covered up her cuts and scars and wore hoodies and jackets and covered her wrist. She didn't end up losing her bestfriend but they were't as close and when he came back she wen't and saw him and she feel in love all over agian. All she wanted was to be with him, but he left again and again she died on the inside. As the year wen't on her cuts got worse and one day hert parents and friends found out and her friends didn't understand. She satrted lying to them about everything because she didn't understand her feelings and for two weeks she lsot her best friend again, and it killed her and made everything worse. When her parents found out they yeled and screamed and made her promise to never do it again. They we're so mad but no one helped her, they checked her writs everyday for two weeks, and for those two weeks she didn't cut herself. Her bestfriend and her made up and got close again and everything was okay. Then she hurt inside and no one was there for her even though she was there for everyone else, her friends we're hurting and she tryed and tryed to make them okay. She did everything in her power to fix everything, and she pushed all her feelings away. 

the end

She faked a smile evryday and she pretendede to be okay for everyone, but deep inside she was hurt, and scared, lost, hopeless, and depressed. She started cutting herself again but this time she hid it from everyone, she cut her legs and starved and bruised and burned herself every single day. She just wanted the pain to go away, and hurting herself made her feel so relieved like for that second everthing in the world would be okay. She didn't spend time with her bestfriend as much and she made a lot of new friends. She never told anyone her secret no one knew how hurt she really was, at times she just wanted to keill herself and end it all. Yet she promised her bestfriend she'd never leave her and she tryed tio keep that proimise. Along the way she lost many people and it hurt  but she kept it bottled in and acted like  nothing effected her, everyone started noticing her fake smile and would ask whats wrong? She always saod she was fine, and they always believed her no one cared. She started hanging out with people everyday after school amd those days she'd be so happy and she wouldn't hurt herself and everything would be okay. Then one day she told one of her friends she cut herself and she wanted to kill herself sometimes and that person walked out of her life and she was hurt but she acted fine. Lots of her friends started cutting them selves, even her bestfriend and it killed her. She did everything in her power to make her better they tryed to be together everyday she would alway make she she was okay and she would talk to her for hours on the phone. She wasn't better she was hurt too. Eventually she told someone else about her cuts and the person asked her to stop. she asked many questions and the person was there, but she knew that shje too would leave because she was moving away soon. She ended up finding out her bestfriend was planning on moving away and she was so scared and hurt and she didn't know what to do. She cut herself and it got so bad she was addicted to the pain, and one time she cut herself so bad that it wouldn't stop bleeding and she was so scared. She was all alone and she had these voices in her head screaming telling her to end it all now. Telling her no one would care or notice and she believed it, she just wanted someone anyone to save her, but no one would. Everyone around her was hurt and depressed and she wanted to help and fix them, amnd she couldn't. No one was there for her no one cared enough tp help no one saw the fake smile. No one, until it was to late and that day when she needed someone and no one was there she ended it all with that last cut.

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 28.04.2013

Alle Rechte vorbehalten

Widmung:
To everyone struggling with depression, and self harm, and everyone who's been there for me.