1. Connor

1.
Connor
Sprinting out of the house I pass my driveway and go in the woods. They looked warm and friendly to me.
My mom and I just had a fight. She told me I was going to my dad’s for the 9th grade, thinks it’ll be better for me.
What good will it do for me? My dad doesn’t love me anymore. Why would he? I don’t have any abilities, like football or basketball……nothing. I’m a looser.
Maybe I should be pleased. Maybe I can start over. I’ve made to many rivals here. Maybe it’ll be good for me. But I hate my dad more than I hate my enemies. With a passion, I hate my dad. He left when I was only six. He lives in New York City, in an apartment. I don’t like the city or apartments.
My mom and I live in Georgia in the middle of nowhere. It takes me thirty minutes till you even see the first gas station. It’s nothing like New York City.
As I’m walking by a fallen tree, something catches my eye. It’s an old notebook. In red marker on the front it says, Connor. And it’s mine.
What In the world is it doing here? The last time I saw it was when I was with my best friend Johnny. Or should I say was my best friend?
We were on are way to his house to do our homework. The notebook was in my backpack. And it disappeared. And, of course, I accused him of it and we never talked to each other again.
I know how did it just disappear? That’s something to ask Johnny. And again, how did it get here, in the woods by my house?
I thought the wood’s was scary when I first came here to look at the house. But now I feel like they accepted me. The woods, I mean. I never wanted to live here. I never wanted to move from my friends and family…….and Kati. And it’s my fault she’s not here anymore. Not there. Not anywhere. Stop.
I never really trusted Johnny, but I didn’t trust anybody at school either. So I guess you could say I trusted him enough to become friends with him.
Why did we become friends, or how?
I was the new kid at school, and no one liked me. I guess I’m wired or something. Johnny was the only one who was nice to me so I started to hang out with him. And he accepted me.
I don’t understand why. We’re nothing alike. I was quiet and minded my own business. He was the school bully and thought he owned everyone. Then he stole it.
I rolled the notebook up, put it in my back pocket and ran as fast as I could. I didn’t know where I was going, just somewhere far.

I ended up in an old tree house. When I’m confused I come here, to try to clear my head
The last time I came was when I got into my first fight with Johnny.
Johnny and his new friends had it all planned out.
I was walking to my house and they followed me, but I didn’t know. When I was half home they all jumped out of the bushes.
One of them pushed me from behind, giving me a mouthful of dirt.
“Connor, why are you so sad?” Johnny said with fake sympathy. “Connor, tell me why you sit in the corner and cry. Connor, tell me.”
All his friends laughed.
“Leave me alone!!!” I shouted, trying to get up. He read it, I know it.
He ignored me. “Is it because your daddy doesn’t care?” he laughed. “Is it, Connor, is it? What about mommy? Does she care?”
I jumped up and punched him in the nose. I felt it break.
He screamed from the pain, and then he tackled me to the ground.
I’ve always been tall. I’ve always been skinny. I’ve always been weak.
“You shouldn’t have done that.” Johnny said reaching in to his pocket.
I felt like it was just us, none of his friends, nothing. He was debating something in his mind. I didn’t know how I could tell. I was just so scared. I just wanted it to end. I wanted him to finish it so I could go home. Well, I just wanted to be alone. And he’s going to kill me.
He chose. Johnny pulled out his pocket knife. Fast, so he couldn’t change his mind he scraped it down my cheek, making a deep gash. I to hold in my scream, which just made his friends, laugh harder. It stung, but only for a minute. Then I couldn’t feel it all.
Johnny stood up. I lifted my arm to feel how deep it was. It was deep and I tasted the blood on my face.
Everything got black around me, and the last thing I saw before I blacked out, was Johnny standing over me with an ugly smirk.
“Don’t ever touch me again, or there’s more where that came from, freak.” he said, smiling. It was like he was happy for doing it, mad for doing it, and sorry for doing it, all at the same time, “Hope you learned your lesson.” and guilty. The words sounded far away, I could barely make them out.

I must have fallen asleep last night because when I woke up I was the tree house. The sun shined through the windows, and I could hear the birds singing. All of it didn’t fit together.
I started to walk home, if I could find it.

Made it home, and the lights where on, and there was a police car in the driveway, great.
Looking forward to getting a hot shower, I walked into the living room.
My mom was sitting on the loveseat and a police officer was sitting on the couch opposite to her.
My mom looked up at me and smiled. “Connor!!!” she jumped up and gave me a hug. “Are you okay? Where were you?” she pulled off my hood.
Sometimes I don’t understand her. She usually ignores me. She doesn’t pay any attention. In her head she wanted us to be perfect and normal. She knows that’s not ever going to happen.
I took a step back and put my hood back on. “I’m fine.” I climbed the stairs to my room, and slammed the door behind me.
Making my way to my bathroom I stop in the mirror. I pulled my hood off and stared at a face that had long black hair that went past his eyes, his skin was pale, and his eyes were so brown they almost looked like black pits.
And had scar right under his eye.
I pulled out the notebook and threw it on my dresser.
I heard a knock at the door, “Connor?” a pause. I didn’t want to answer.
“Yes?” I whispered.
“Are you okay?” my mom said, opening the door a crack and peaking her head in.
I wanted to tell her nothings okay. To tell her it’s never been okay. Ever sense we left Kati. Ever sense I found the letter to go to the funeral. And mom ignored it, and never told me. Knowing that it would break me to pieces if I found out she committed suicide. But I did find out. And it did break me to pieces.
“I’m fine.” I whispered.
“Okay.” She said, making herself to go out and not ask any more questions.
Instead of taking a shower I just turned my music up and fell asleep.

I woke to the sound of my alarm beeping.
It was the last week of 8th grade.
Trying to avoid looking at myself in the mirror, I got dressed and went down stairs.
My mom didn’t even look up from the newspaper when I passed. She said. “I’m taking you to school.”
“I was going to walk today.” I said.
“Connor, no.” she said, warning me not to go any further, because no matter what I say I’m still going to go with her, even if she has to drag me.
I sighed and started walking to the car.
When we got into the car I didn’t look at her instead I looked out the window.
“Connor,” she said, taking a deep breath. “I want to know why.”
“Know what?” I said, even though I know what she’s talking about.
“You were thinking about running away, weren’t you?” she asked, trying to make her voice sound calm.
I didn’t say anything.
“I think you need to go back to counseling.” My mom said, looking back at the road.
See she wants a perfect family, so she’s trying to fix me. Counseling is not going to fix me. Nothing will.
“Can I walk home this afternoon?” I asked to change the subject.
She hesitates. “Sure.” My mom said, seeing that she failed.
The rest of the way we rode in silence.

In math, which is my 6th hour class, I sit in front of Johnny.
Math is my least favorite subject.
As I sat down in my assigned seat Johnny looked up and smiled at me. That’s not a good sign. I tried to push him out of my mind the best I could.
The one thing I hated about school was it makes me remember how alone I feel. No one’s on my side. I learned something about myself this year at least; I’m a loner. I messed up big time.

Last period is history, as I walked to my locker to switch out my books Johnny and his friends walked by and pushed me on the hard concrete floor.
By the time I got to my last hour, I was late.
As I came in to class, everyone looked up. No one took their eyes off me. I hate being the center of attention.
I lowered my eyes and walked to my seat, refusing to look at every face that ridiculed me every day.

The first thing I noticed walking home was the laughing. Even I knew middle school kids couldn’t keep their mouths shut that long. After that I knew was going to happen. I knew I was being ambushed.
I started to walk faster, then I started running, and that’s when I tripped. As I picked myself up, I watched Johnny’s boots walked over to me, and kick me in the stomach.
“Did you think I was finished with you already, freak? Because I’m not.” Johnny said.
I couldn’t answer.
“So tell me, how bad that hurt?” he said, I could hear a smile in his voice. “Because, there’s a lot more where that came from.”
Breathing in little gasps I kept silent.
“I asked you a question, you little freak!” Johnny said, kicking me in the stomach again. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing” I mumbled.
“What? I can’t hear you.” Johnny cooed.
“Nothing” I whispered.
“What?”
“Nothing’s wrong.” I said.
“I can’t hear you.”
I slowly stood up, and shouted, “Everything. Everything’s wrong!” I realized that almost all of Johnny’s friends were here and they brought their girlfriends too.
“Like what?” Johnny asked, sounded like this was what he was waiting for. “You didn’t have anything to begin with.”
And that was all it took.
My senses shut down. Instead of sight, the world went dark, like a curtain falling across my eyes. Instead of sound, I heard only the mad pounding of my heart, the soggy swoosh of blood running through my body.
Fists clenched, I want only to lash out, to hit something, and to make it hurt.
It’s not worth it, he’s not worth it, I thought. Just walk away. But it was impossible, and I threw the first punch.
I don’t know how long it went on, but sooner or later they pulled me off of him.
Johnny’s blood was everywhere, coming out of his mouth and nose...on my hands. He wasn’t moving. After I got a good look at him the first emotions I felt was guilt and regret.
“He killed him.” Someone said.
I couldn’t believe it no, no, no, no, no, please no. I thought. I needed to get away, far away, so I started to run, and run, and run. Now I’ll only be called one thing for the rest of my life....a Murderer. The next thing know, the dark forest absorbed me, made it look like a movie I was watching, like someone watching from the sidelines as a life is completely ruined.


I was running from something, or someone. My legs were going fast, but not fast enough. I tripped, and fell, over and over again. Whatever it was it was catching up quick. I could feel it trying to get in my head.
“Why are you running? Don’t you want to know who I am?” It said. Yes, I did want to know, but I was smart enough to know it’s playing with me.
I fell again, and I knew it was over, it was right behind me. As I slowly looked up to see its face, I knew who it was and why it was here. It was the face I hid from, day after day, but I recognized well. It was my own face . . . . It was the murderers face.
“Do you know who you are, Connor?” Said the second me. “Do you know what you did, murder?”
I squeezed my eyes tight, praying he would just go away and leave me alone, “No, no, no, no, no, I don’t know you. You’re not me.” I whispered. “Please!”
When I opened my eyes I didn’t see myself . . . . . instead I saw Johnny lying on the ground bleeding, not moving, he was dead. Again and again I tried to shut my eyes. “Look at what you did.” Said a voice.
“I didn’t do that.” I whispered, shaking my head back and forth.
All of a sudden everything started to fade black. Then i started to burn. It started in my chest and grew, until my whole body was on fire. I couldn’t see it, but I could feel it. I wanted to rip at my heart, to kill it, so it would stop.
“Please, stop! PLEASE!” I shouted, and opened my eyes. At first everything was fuzzy . . . . then I saw a girl, long wavy brown hair and electric blue eyes, leaning over me.
“Shhhhh. You’ll be okay.” Said the girl, pressing one finger to my mouth.


2.
Kris
“Kill me.” I whisper, shutting my eyes again. It was so quite I thought she didn’t hear me, so I said it again, “Please kill me.” the burning didn’t stop, I yelled, “Please! I don’t deserve to live.” My eyes fly open. Seeing that she hasn’t done anything, I standup, and instantly I feel light headed. “I—”
She stands up too, cutting me off, “Can you sit down and shut up fo one second?” she whispered, and pushes me down, making me fall on my back. She’s stronger than me.
I star up at her, wondering just exactly she was thinking. where I am and who she is. But instead of asking about it, (like a normal person would do) I do what she says and keep quite. My insides still burn, and I do my best not to gasp as it came and went.
Her bright blue eyes study me. “Are you okay?” she asked softly, like she was afraid to scare me.
I opened my mouth to say something, but nothing came out, and just shook my head no.
“What’s wrong?” she said, feeling my forehead.
I still couldn’t find my voice, so I watch her as emotions flicker across her face. First concern, then confusion, then anger, and lastly, sympathy.

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 21.07.2011

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