message to him

I stay up late at night wondering if you think about me like I think about you, I wonder at night if you cry about me like I cry about you, I wonder if you really did mean the texts you sent me the night before you came over and said all the means things, I now wonder if what you said was a lie or the truth, I wonder if you worry about me, I wonder if you could have kissed me, hugged me, hold me. I wanted it to work I wanted to be yours, I wanted you to treat me like a princess, I wanted you to worry about me like you did. I wanted you to love me. I sit here writing this crying as I know you have removed me from your snap chat and unfriended me on Instagram and taken my number out of your phone, I go through the messages before you said the bad things, I read how you were always there for me, I read the worry in your texts about my cutting or more like just scratching my arms out, I read the worrying in your voicemails when I wouldn't answer my phone, I read the massive long ass text messages in the morning saying how much you liked me and how much you wished we could have been together, I read them over and over again, the messages, the voicemail, the snaps, the DMs everything I go over and realised everything was about me and never about you, I only worried about my self I never asked you how you were, I never asked why you wouldn’t answer my texts or my calls, I never knew that you lost someone dear to you as you never told me and I read now that I wish I did, I wish I asked, I wish I had the decency to ask how you were and not just worry about myself, I now know why you texted me one morning saying how self-absorbed I was and how not everything evolves around me, im sorry I was so selfish. IM SORRY!!

message to her

i sit her relizing what i had done, what i threw away, what i took advantage of. The beatiful girl with the brown hair and the hazel eyes, the calming smile, the contages laugh. the girl i loved and still do, i sit here wondering if you will ever actually get this, if i will actually send it to you, but i dont care if you do or not becuase i need to relize what i just threw away, your probably sitting on your coush with your family having a good laugh and i sit here with tears pouring down my face, i wish i could've told you the reason i wish i told you i did really love you, i did'nt want to leave, that i wanted you to be in my arms forever, but instad of that words of disgustand hatred not for you but for myslef i was being stupid i was running away, i was also pushing away the one person that truly loved me and i truly loved them, i pushed away the girl of my dreams, i ruined my chance by calling you the worst thing to ever come out of my mouth, i ruined my chance to hvae smone that truly loved me i ruined my chance to have you, the saying "you dont know what you had until its gone" well i found out its true, buti can never get mine back, you are probably sitting in your room watching movies with popcorn in hand and ready to watch and epic movie, or your sitting on your bed deleting all our pictures, taking mynumber out of your contacts, porbably blocked me on social media,tacken me out of your life, you've probably forgotten all about me, im know just a stranger that you loved, just someone that lives nextdoor to you, but that stranger still loves you, the stranger still wants you, the stranger knows you will never forgive him, now the stranger is lost deep in the ocean of regret and can't come up for air, the stranger that once was your lover know just the boy next door, the stranger that is SORRY. 

message to him

 i sit here tonight, writing this thinking, did you really love me, did you ever mean what he said, did you mean what you did to me, i sit here with tears threatening to spill from my hazel eyes he fell in love, words spinning in my head telling me dont go back to him he does'nt deserve you, dont be stupid, he never loved you, he took advantage of you, he got what he wanted from you, your love, your life, and the many things that come with that. he broke the heart that took nine mounths to build in a matter of seconds. my heart is shatterted at my feet while i write this, i sit here trying not to cut my self with the shattered peices on my heart that you left on the floor when you took it away from me, my mum told me that there would be boys that would break my heart and would just walk away wht the rest as prize, i forgot her advice when i fell for you games, when i fell for your tricks, i cant beleive i was that blind and stupid that i thought you wouldnt leave me , well i should tell my mum she was right shouldnt i, i should go and tell her what you said, the exact words that left you mouth like worthless, cow, slut, whore, fat, pig, loser, unworthy, digusting human being. i guesse she was right and the saying mother always know whats best well hahaha she was bloody right. my mum was right that even the guy you thought you would love and cherish would break your heart in the end.

message to her

 i sit here thinking about how much i fucked up, i sit here wishing i was'nt such a asshole, i sit here wishing i just told you what was wrong, i wsh i could have just told you how fucked up my life was and that i didnt want you to be invloved, i just wish i was'nt so blunt ad just told you that people were after me, peple wanted to hurt the people i love and they were going to stop at nothing to tell me they could get to me through the people i love most, i wish i could tell you that my mother didnt die in a car crash, that she actualy was murdered to keep me giving them what they want, i wish that i didnt have to lie to you when the girl i was always with was my cousin and that she was actually my sister and her being my cousin protected her, i wish i told you i had a little baby sister born after i met you but had to be tacken from me cuase they would get to her. im sorry i didnt tell you this.im sorry i keept things from you and that i didnt tell you what was really happening, but you have to see it from i didnt want them to find out that you meant so much to me and that you were one way for them to get me to do the things they wanted. if they knwe my mother was dead and i was an only child then they didnt have anyone to come after. i  couldnt even tell you that jake didnt drown when he went on his tropical getaway that the rich old me payed for to get him away from them so they wouldnt hurt him, jake was shot down in the plane and was taken to an island were he was shot in the head right in front of my eyes,  i wish i told you becaue it over now they cant hurt me or the one i love. i hvae my sisters back and all our loving staff and faily living back at the opal manchine and they are all safe and sound, i wish you were back here with me and i wasnt writing this stupid message that i probably will never send to you, i wish that you were here in my arms, but i know if i ever told you this you would never understand. im soo sorry that i couldnt fight for you, im sorry i left and didnt give you a reason and probably never will, im sorry i was such a failer to you and my mum. im sorry i wasnt the guy that was meant for you.

                                                                     i love you 

messages to him

I sit here with the scissors in view and the tears in my eyes, my friends keep ringing my phone but I don't want to talk, I don't wanna even hear their voices in the speaker, I don't know what I feel anymore so I grabbed the scissors and I scratch and cut until I can't anymore, I don't know how much of this I can take any more, I sliced at my wrist until I have no more room to slice, the tears come from the cuts and the cuts on my heart that you left behind, I look to my left at my phone and see you name pop up on my screen as well as the 305 messages from my best friend, I open your text and it says "I'm sorry " I read it over and over again and I can't reply I sit here for another two minutes when another message from you comes through "haha so it's me garret im just kidding " it read your friend decided to just play with me well you an asshole. I grabbed my scissors and sliced up my other hand one two three four five six seven I keep going until you can even see my wrist anymore. blood pours from one of the cuts and dripped onto my sheet oh well ill just say I hurt my leg a while ago, I know I shouldn't do it but it's an extinct goodbye happiness ad hello sadness.it all happened so fast the hurtful words and the upset me and it didn't make any sense you over me the day before and you're feeling just sort of went away as you said they did that doesn't happen you don't just love someone so much and then just break up with them cause you lost feeling for them it doesn't work that way idiot, not one bit you always lie, you lied to your mother about us and you just told was a friend yeah i friend you had sex with alrighty and I knew your dad hated me it was obvious from the start about that one, I knew the only person who didn't hate me was, in fact, your brother and sister, you sister actually rang me yesterday t ask how I was and how much of a dickhead you were to me well haha I agree with her in that department, she told me you cried for days and that you were so upset you locked yourself in your room and that you told her you shouldn't have done it and you did it because of you mum and dad and due to them not liking me you had to break up with me which I think is absolute bullshit.

I loved you and you still love me, you just won't admit it.

I miss you

Messages to her

Im sorry, I sit here looking through my phone at all out the photo and wonder what through my head when I broke it off between us I am stupid very very stupid. My sister told me she talked to you still and she told me how much of an asshole I was for breaking up with you, I realise how stupid it was but I had to my mum and dad said they would ruin your family if I didn't break up with you, I didn't want to i had no choice trust me if i had it my way you would be right here in my arms tonight eating popcorn watching the notebook just because you love it and even though I hate it I loved watching it as I could see the smile on your face at the good parts and then you would cry at the sad and at the end you would fall asleep in my arms and I would sit there admiring how fucken cute you are and how much I wanted to make you mine.im so stupid I miss you in my arms. Feeling your breath against my neck and being able to kiss you whenever I want, you weren't at school today, I got so many stares and my friend was questioning me and the only person that knew the real reason was my best friend, I couldn't tell them or it would put you into danger, your best friend came up to me today as well she came up said two words "you asshole" and slapped me straight across my face my lip split. I was sent home and here I am writing this useless message that I probably won't send. Im so sorry that I didn't tell you what was going on and didn't want my money to hurt you, I told my mum and dad I would give up my money my house my everything just to be with you, but they said no they would use my money to hurt you in any way they could. I couldn't let that happen, so they made me choose to break up with you or watch them hurt you and your family. I couldn't let them do that, I just couldn't 

im sorry 

messages to him

my cutting has eased, im starting to think it wasn't my fault,im still trying to figure out why.why you broke up with me why you ended up, I talked to your sister she told me nothing she said you need to tell me, tell me what do you need to tell me, what is so important that she couldn't tell me and why you can't either, will it hurt my feeling will it make me angry why wont you tell me, I cant think of one reason why she won't tell me why so once again I grab my scissors from my draw, 

 

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and I keep going, I didn't stop this time, 

 

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....

my wrist is so numb now, so broken, so bruised, those scars will be big I say to my self, but you won't notice no one will cause ill put my jumper on and say "im just cold" with that breathtaking smile everyone loves so much and smile the day away. 

cause no one will notice the pain in my wrist like I do, no one will notice the craving, no one but me 

 

 

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 28.06.2017

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Widmung:
there is no personal relation to this book i was just reading something online so i wrote about it, i loved writing about how a girl struggles with a break up and many boys i know struggle with it so i wanted to write about it.