BREATHING

I just stand gaping at what as been said to me.
My breath would not come into my battered lungs.
My eyes filling with sweet tears of pain,
My mind going black with dots of memory that I should never have opened up again.
This searing pain,
I've had it before.
No it was worse.
My shallow breathing now longer slow,
But fast and goring through my lungs,
How did on make it through life,
When their mind is shattered,
Their already black heart ripped from its resting place,
And in its place a sliver stake.
With the images of blood and death flickering in the eyes,
How can one keep going when they know more then others.


My life is changing,
My eyes are closing,
My heart is pounding,
My mind it thinking,
My 6Th since coming more alive,
My spirit walking be side me,
This is what I face,
Each day as I pass you by,
Each time you look me into my eye,
This is why.

Now as you read this,
You may have a question,
It will be about what I was told,
To give you that answer I must tell you a story,
To give you that answer I must destroy a city,
To give you your answer I must seek that horrid pain once more.

You shall have to answer this your self.
For I can not give you the answer,
Because I do no know it,
Nor will I ever.

MYSELF

Pink dresses.
puffy shirts.
mini skirts.
goody to people surrounding me,
these are the things I see in my hell.

Anything girly is not for me.

Black dresses that sway to your feet,
Black lipstick
a pale face
the pentagram
and being in a moon lite room,
these are the few things I favor.

Hannah Montanan
Brittany spears
The Jonas bothers
And rap
make me want to get sick or craw in a hole and die

nickelback
nirvana
sentenced
love like blood
makes me want to live

I am who I am
I am never going to again be a rear image in your mind

WATER

The gentle sway of the waves,
the blue and green reflections of the sky and trees,
Sticking your hand in,
and having it come up clear,
with drops off clear tears dripping off.

The trashing waves,
the rising depths of watery horror,
Waves that pound into houses and takes them down,
and leaving nothing in return,
aspect a watery ground.

Light tear drop falling,
from the soft gray clouds,
touching your head,
as if it was a angels kiss,
making you feel a joy like no other.

Falling bullets droping to the ground,
from heavy black clouds,
hiting your head,
as if the devil has wrote you a deathnote,
making you feel nothing but despair.

TIME

Why are the day flying by.
Why is it every time I look at you,
l see only the words once passed.
Do you not remember the thing once said?
Why do you never remember,
that once upon a time ago it was just you and me,
until the dark realization set into both our minds,
and sweep in a dark storm,
why is it when you look at me,
l still see what was once before spoken of in you eyes,
burning there like a blood stop on a white rose.
How can you still act like life now is only a show.

l can take this no longer,
these feeling may linger,
but as time goes by,
you only now look,
because the dark realization sweep fear into you,
one day we may speak once more,
of what we spoke of,
maybe one day,
as time goes on,
we will be able to answer unspoken worries,

but until then,
I only have one question in mind,
Did you mean the sweet words,
that you once spoke to me?
or,
were they just another thing,
that that black storm,
had showed me was fake?

If they were,
then let this be known,
as my feelings my linger for now,
in time they will fade,
as well as the memory of you,
and even if they don't,
know that as long as my walls stand,
you shall never again,
pass them like you once did,

Time if moving on,
my memory might fade,
the days are long,
only when I must see you,
my words shall live on in time,
through others,
and things,
but always know,
that you meant something to me. =(

HOW YOU REMIND ME

I have lived my life differently,
But each day I am reminder on how I use to be,
Each day I come face to face with the past.
When will this end.
Each day I am told about how I use to be,
"You use to to be a little devil,"
Followed by,
"I bet you still are."
How are these thing told.
Where do these lies feed from.
"You use to fight a lot,"
Followed by,
"I don't see how your not in jail yet."
Why must someone bring in the past,
When that's over and done with.
"Didn't you get kick out of a couple schools for being fighting"
Followed by,
"I don't want my kid near you!"
Why must the past hunt my life,
Haven't I done any good to scrub that away yet.
Even now my old teachers still wonder,
How did a hell fired child become a straight A student?
"I bet its just a fake front"
Why must lies be told,
When shall the good I've done,
Be put into recognition,
Be brought up,
I am worn,
I am already beyond my age,
Must I become as old as a Greek myths,
Will I die a child with hell in her heart,
It's already black and shattered,
Must it become nothing but dust,
Is that what it take to satisfy these people,

How many days don't go by,
That I don't wish I could have done things differently.
I sit and cry,
Over my past,
I cry over the sadness it brought my family,
The pain that is forever in there minds,
As well as hearts,
The many friends I drove away.

Now you see why I am me,
Our past scars us for ever,
Inside and out,
It also changes,
how others see us.

Each day,
As l start a new page in my notebook,
I write it with tears spilling over.
As I reach in side to write my pain down,
To let it go little by little,
It comes back with each reminder,
of what I was,
and not who I am now.

This pain is growing all to formal now.
"Hey didn't you beat up that guy in 7Th grade, because he was bullying some 5Th grader?" they'd ask.
"yeah" I'd say
"right on, that was like really cool that you stood up for him."
"I guess..." I'd walk off.

Some things,
even when its bad,
can be good.

FACE

How many days have passed,
How many hearts have been broken,
How many souls have been hurt,
By the false images i feed to them.

How long has passed,
How many hours gone bye,
How many days have been darkened,
By the faces I have worn,

When shall a day come,
When shall a hour pass,
When shall a bird sing,
While I wear my true face.

How many faces do I own,
How many do I wear,
How many were truly mine,
How many will be needed in what is to come.

No one truly sees me,
Because no one truly knows me,

I shall never be seen,
Without my many images of faces,

I can not bear what may be seen,
If someone saw the real me,

Because if they did,
They wouldn't see the older me,

What they will see,
Is a mere teen,
With a tear stained face,
Hiding away,
From what she can't face.

They may see,
A girl of thirteen,
living life,
behind a wall.

They may see,
a young girl,
With a black soul,
A blacken heart,
because what she has seen.

If they looked into my dreams,
They may be scared for life,
Because of the blackness,
That lurks in my mind,
Because of the blackness,
That is my only safety.

How many more days,
Most i prolong,
Before my faces,
Go to hon-Kong,
Because the faces,
Are no longer mine.

When I start to use my teared stained face,
With the look of know more then other might,
With the smirk that only says "you only wish you were right"
With a half smile that is so dark,
That even the devil shall run,
With the eyes that are never one color,
Because I'm never one mood,
In black.

This is who i am,
I am dark,
Yet i am good,
It no a fake face that once stood,
This would be who i am,
Without that fake smile, an so on.

I CANT BE THE IMAGE YOU MISS

I see you looking at me,
everyday,

I see that question in your eyes,
I am sorry to tell you,

But I can not be the image you see,
I can not be that innocent ever again.

I lost that after what you did to me,
I can not be the image,
you wish you could see.

I am not her,
anymore,
That little girl,
with the soft ask blond curls.

That little girl,
with the pink dress,
and pink rose in her little hands.

That little girl,
who saw nothing,
of the darkness in life.

The little girl,
who didn't know how to scream,
who didn't know what fear was.

I am sorry,
for now,
the only image,
you will ever see,
is this me.

I am now,
a young women.

I faced the dark,
and i passed by the devil.

I am me,
the image of a fearless face,
a blackened soul,
a shattered life,
and a sealed away heart.

I am sorry,
to say that,
that little girl,
is just a memory,
now,
and forever more.

I am now,
the tall young women,
with the spine of a Gothic solider,
and a composer to match.

You made me this,
can't you see,
this is forever me.

A FALLEN ANGEL, FOREVER STADING

I'm standing here,
for a reason I do not know,
nor shall fear.

I'm standing here,
thinking,
what is there to know?

I'm standing here,
with dream theater blaring,
into my ears.

I'm standing here,
holding my board,
thinking "why?" to myself.

But now I step back,
and rethink,
why am I standing here?

For what reason do l?

Then I see,
the only image,
that could make me cry,
all over again.

It is a little girl,
with a pink dress,
ash blond curls,
and a pink rose,
in her small,
little hands.

Then I'm looking into a mirror,
only to see,
a tall girl,
with with soft black curls,
long fingered hands,
and black jeans and shirt on,
starring back at me.

I was an angel then,
sent from the heavens above,
full of peace,
and love.

I am a fallen angel now,
with black butterfly wings,
fallen from the gates of heaven,
full of sadness,
and compassion.

My only fear now,
is to fall,
into a black hole,
of never ending pain,
3 times worse,
then I face to day.

And on my hand,
is a forever painted,
black rose.

And on my face,
a fallen,
black and red tear,
a piece.

I am not an angel,
anymore.

I'm a fallen angel,
struck with tears.

Can you see it,
too?

I'm standing here,
looking into a broken mirror,
with the music still going.

How mush longer,
can I last,
too?


THE FACES AROUNG ME

All these faces,
surrounding me,

Can you see them too?

Their standing,
all watching,
all waiting,
all believing that they will rest.

Many not yet aware,
that their even dead.

how do I,
not help them?
when I can see,
the pain they had to face.

The men,
the women,
the children,
all with a face,
to claim.

Can you see them too?
or<
is it just me>

Because I see them.
just the same way,
as you see me.

NOT TO BE LOVED

You see what I am.
Yet you love me all the same.

You do not see that I am not the same.
Yet you admire me all the same.

You see me as if I were still young.
You still don't see the real me.

I think I know why.

Your the one who did this to me.
"Out of love." You say.

You don't want to face my pain.
You only want to cling to the old me.

Yet if only you could the real me.
then you'd already know,

My one rule now,
Is not to be loved again.

Not like you "loved" me.
Not again.

You brought me something.
It's called pain.

You taught me what one thing was,
It's called fear.

Until,
You did this to me.

I was so young.
Why did you have to love me like that.

You are still,
Just the same.

But I will one day,
Make you see what you did to me.

I never had to scream.
Until you did that.

Now I go by one rule.

I will never again,
Be loved,
like you loved me.

You were almost a man,
and I barley a teen.

You still,
Only see me,
As her.

I'm not her.
She could be loved.

Because,
she knew little.

Now,
I know to mush.

I can not be loved,
The way you loved me,
Ever again.

-Yours truly,
the real me.

GOTHIC WONDERLAND

Alice oh Alice,
Can't you see,
Cheshire nothing but black fur,
and a wicked smile.

Alice oh Alice,
can't you see,
the white queen,
is wearing chucks.

Alice oh Alice,
cant you see,
the thing around,
are so wonderfully black.

Alice oh Alice,
can't you see,
the sky above,
stays forever night with the crescent moon.

Alice oh Alice.
can't you see.
the mad hater has put a ring on your finger,
and he's still the same.

Alice oh Alice,
can't you see,
the heir,
he's giving you blood to drink.

Alice oh Alice,
oh you must see,
your wedding dress,
its white and black.

Alice oh Alice,
wait!!!!!
Alice are you wear black lipstick?
Hell yeah.

CRY

It never matters,
When l cry.
It doesn't matter,
Because I rarely cry.

I just hold it in,
until it gathers together,
Then i blare the rock/metal

i don't let anyone know I cry.

then when they do hear,
My silent tears,
And they ask me what is wrong,
I say,
"I'm fine"

When I do explain,
it means nothing
And I'm told not to cry,
Because it's not worth their time.

it doesn't matter,
It doesn't matter
IT doesn't mattER!
IT DOESN'T MATTER ANYMORE!

The worst part of all,
I was proven this part,
By my own father.

But it doesn't matter,
That I cry.

SIT

I sit,
And cry.
My silent tears.
When no ones near.

I sit,
And wonder,
Would people be happier,
If I choose to end my life.

I tried once,
And no one cared.
So why not try again,
And leave a life of pain and sorrow behind.

Because,
No one cares.

I STAND ALONE

I stand on my own 2 feet.
I never had no one there.
I cryed myself to sleep.
Because no one was there to comfort me,
in my times of need.

I made myself what I am today.
No one cared where I was.
Unless it effected them.
I toke care of myself, and I still do.

I watched no ones back.
Because no one watched mine.
I was always in 2nd place.
Always 2nd best.

But when it comes to my family,
I realized,
That I was always going to be,
The first born,
Trail and error,
Always the mistake.
The child,
That should have never been.

But how do I forget,
when I'm told it every day.
Oh!,
how I long to be,
the 2nd child,
the loved and cherished,
the 1st best.

But then again,
Why do I care,
When I am better off then him.
I am what I am today,
Because I was Strong,
And let nothing stand in my way,
And had no help around.
But a few teachers,
that toke pity,
on a broken child.

Funny,
Now I know why I loved my teachers,
better then my mother and father.
My teachers were my family,
My class mate my brothers and sister.

I stood then,
I stand now,
forever alone,
when it comes to blood.

I stand alone.

MY POURED OUT HEART

You think you know.
But really you don't.
You thought you knew me inside out.
But you never did.

You always thought you saw what I was.
But in reality,
You'd never shut up long enough to hear me out.
I never didn't love you,
And in the end,
That was my worst mistake.

I would have token a bullet for you,
Just to see if you cry'd,
While my blood flowed smoothly,
through the hole.
Then at least,
I'd know that you did care,
in the end,
And just to let you know,
That my death was for love.

Now where do we stand?
Are we like romeo and Juliet?
-lovers never to be.
Or is my heart meaning less?
so are we enemy's,
doomed by fate,
and scared to love?

I have a feeling,
That we may never know.

A GIRLS FANTASY

As she sat there starring,
At a young man so fair,
She thought about death,
And how lovely it'd be,
If a young man so fair,
Saved her from,
deaths cold,
Unfair embrace.
As her Cancer sperds.

As she stood from her desk,
The bell hissed and bitched,
She thought about how,
the young mans cherry eyes,
sought her on purpose.

As she walked down her weary street,
blackness surrounded her,
She knew someone was near,
as she looked around,
again and again.
She never saw him behind her.
"Do you want me to save you now or later?"
He asked here as he drew her closer,
His perfect red lips,
coming near her,
small white neck.
She whimpered.
he bit her.

SECRETS

secrets are coming around.
their Beginnig to be found.
a secret life,
so full of what you once denyed.
a secret love,
you never thought would happen.
A secret within your self,
you've yet to discover.
a life so full of secrets.
a life so full of lies.
why not lay out the Truth.
when it's needed the most.
secret dreams,
you tell no one but paper about.
A secret about a friends girl/boyfriend you know,
But tell no one about.
I mean it's just another secret,
-so why care, right?
You saw your dad with another a women that's not your mother,
-so you never tell.
I mean,
you don't mind another secret.
-do you?
Then one day they peeled up,
and they ate at you.

so by your dresser,
you had a note.
so by your dresser,
there was a Hook on the ceiling.
so by your dresser,
there lay a chain.
so by your dress,
was you notebook,
it held all your thoughts and secrets.

You go to school the next day,
you had the biggest secret in you head.
as you walk the halls,
you see everyone,
that you had secrets for.

At home home the next day,
the secrets are dead,
out of you mind.
By your dresser,
you are.
By your dress,
the chain hanged on the hock.
by your dresser,
the chain was looped for a neck and only that,
by your dresses,
the chair was knocked over.

I was wrong,
the secrets you kept inside,
was impotent after all.

FEAR

you should never fear,
what can't be seen,.
you should never fear,
what can't be real,
in your heart,
in your body,
in sould.
The only thing to fear,
is fear it's self

BLOOD SHED

Life is shattering.
I'm dropping everything,.
My moods are going with the winds.
Everything is changing.
It's like a Storm is ragging inside me.

Most I could control,
because I knew where they were coming from.
But this,
I'm clueless.

the tears of blood,
flowing inside,
raining from wounds,
that are rake across my black heart.
Where did they come from?
When it's pouring from my heart.
I can't with stand this.
There is a battle in my heart.
It's causing blood shed.
that should have never happen.
I can't with stand this,
anymore then the next.
but when you look at me.
I will be damned,
because all you see,
is a strong young women,
that can face the devil.

You never see this blood shed in my heart
:broken heart:

YOU CAN'T ALWAYS UNDER STAND

You can't always see me through and through,
so just remember,
I'm living my life,
my way.

You can't aways understand why I do what I do,
so here's your answer,
I do what I do because,
it's what I do.
It's me.

You can't always understand Why I write,
but just to let you know,
I write what I write,
because what I write,
will always,
be mine.

You may not hear me through and through,
But I hear you.

You may not read what I write,
But I read your's.

You may be sadden by what I write,
But I'm just filling relief,
because I no longer have to hold it in.

My blacken soul,
that crawls never,
and stands tall and high,
with the pieces missing,
and blood coming out cold,
is just the way I needed it to be.

so to tell you one more thing,
everything I have done,
life has made me face,
fate has thrown my way,
just made me stronger,
and colder.

BLACKEN NIGHT MARES

blackness commanding,
for you to fear.
your blood is going cold,
from the screams in your head.

from midnight to midday,
your eyes only see my darkness,
my fun and game.

your blood is running cold,
by the images you see.

the knifes flinging at you,
cutting your skin,
like a butter knife and warm butter.

the shadows are cold,
and hold secrets that are far to black for.

the shadows,
do you hear them,
the whispering for you,
their calling your name.
the becoming figures.

their coming from every where,
their trying to pull you into water,
that's black with pounding waves.

one see you.
one grabs you.
their pulling you in,
you can't scream,
you can't breath,
you lungs are closing in,
the water is crashing you.

your fight are effortless,
they bring nothing but less air.

you begin to fall.

you hit bottom.

you don't open your eyes.
you fear what you may see.

"shilo, why are you on the floor?" you hear you mother ask.

you open you eye.
you see the silver now.
you don't make a sound,
as the knife stabs into your heart.

you felt noting.

your a shadow now.

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 09.07.2010

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