chapter 1: boxes

(I would just like to say something just before you start reading this. This story is a complete satire and parody of Native American stories, and is made to be extremely silly and irrational. The passage has many, MANY spelling and grammatical errors; these are intentional, and are made simply to amplify the ridiculousness of the story, and does not represent my overall skill in writing, and processing abilities. Thank you for reading, sincerely.)

 

Protagonist was a guy who lived long ago and was the boss of Fedex, but he wasn’t a robot like the guys who are at Fedex now so he didn’t fly. Protagonist was paying taxes one day when he realized that Fedex was in trouble. Boxes didn’t exist back in those old time and so people couldn’t put their stuff in box to put box in big Fedex truck box to ship those boxes to other places! Back in them times there was only circles to put stuff into, and those were less easy to stack than bocksez. Anyways Protagonist and all the other guys didn’t not liked circles much so they started brain storming about other alternatives to spherical figures. And so Protagonist was the boss of all the Fedex so he wanted to make Federal Execution make more monies, and so he had to go far to find the altar native! AND SO HE WENT! First he went to cola island and bought a water to drink on the way to a place to find another storage shape but then he found THE SOVIET ONION! The big, stinky onion that makes people cry was all like “gimme some of that water because communism” but Protagonist was “no!” and then he punched the onion in the face and killed it, and it died. Protagonist said to the dead onion “Onion, I’m am on journey to save Fedex, and I’m get thirsty on the way so I need water to eat on the way.” and then Protagonist started waking again to the top of big mountain and he got about halfway there when he found Antagonist, a man who did liked circles for storage, and he didn’t want alternatives for storage shapes and he wanted to stop Protagonist from finding another storage shape. Antagonist had lots of army guys to shoot at Protagonist and they were too strong and so he ran really fast because enemies were powerful and he was less. Then he ran back to Fedex and told his friend people to help him and so they went to get a spaceship to fight Antagonist and according to Ancient Aliens there used to be spaceships on earth and Protagonist and friends got one of those. AND SO THEY WENT! They were flying the spaceship when Antagonist had another flying spaceship and they started attacking each other! Protagonist ran fast to the ammo bay to grab big weapon and he could shoot the bad guys, but when he got there he saw that bullets were from enemies and they were shooting at other Fedex people and they were dying. Protagonist jumped over the enemies and got big weapon from weapon place and started shotting at the bad men. The bad men were now dying but they retreated but after them came bad guys with BIGGER GUNS and Protagonist had to run fast away because there were too many of those. Protagonist found an escape ship, and he was ready to go!. And he said “FEDEX PEOPLE HURRY FAST TO ESCAPE SHIP” and then 3 Fedex dudes arrived just in time because their big ship exploded because bad guys blew it up. The escape ship had to go around things like other enemy ships and things when it finally cleared up and he saw the top of the mountain that he was supposed to go to. He put the ship faster and all of a sudden BOOM happened and the back of the ship door came open. One of the Fedex guys tried to close it but then he fell out and died. Another Fedex dude was like “NO! HE WAS MY BROTHER” and then got tired and slept. Enemy ship was shooting a front of Protagonist, but he had smart and did a barrel roll and the bullets went around him and went away. They finally landed the ship on the mountain and Protagonist and the Fedex dudes got out and was ready to fight because many enemies were there and were shooting at other Fedex people. The two generic Fedex guys went to get weapon from the ammo circle but when they got there an enemy ship got landed and squashed them. Protagonist ran up the mountain to see the current god at the time whose name was Dan and Protagonist was all like “Hey Dan my business is tanking fast and I need a new storage thing to put stuff into that is more convenient than circles, okay?” And so Dan gave Protagonist a box and it was cool because you could stack them and store them better than a circle. But then Antagonist came and saw that Protagonist had the recipe for boxes now and he got very angry and said “Well well well, dost thine eyes deceiveth thee? This fool hast desecrated the divine path towardst true progression? Unfathomable! No matter, thou shalt be entombed with the rest of your shipping business before thou can put that new contraption to good use!” and then Protagonist was all like “Boxes will save the world bruh. Circles are bad”and then they fought with swords even though they had guns but because of story reasons swords are obviously more practical and cooler than guns. They fought for like, a year when Protagonist remembered he had some water left over from his drink. So he pulled the bottle out of his pocket and said “no, I win” and sloshed some water at Antagonist’s face and he did an overdramatic flinch and basically barrel roll of the mountain and he said “NOOOO” and then fell and died to death. Protagonist walked down big mountain to reach Fedex people and when he got there all the generic guys cheered because they won and now that had found out the alternative shape to circles. They got in another spaceship and flew back to Fedex HQ where they started using boxes and everyone was happy and planet World was never the same. Now Fedex is a booming business and uses boxes regularly, but it looks like there are still more guys who like circles better but they are a minority. The end.

 

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Tag der Veröffentlichung: 16.09.2016

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Widmung:
How Humanity Found out how to Make a Box