Monday, October 15, 2018.
The need for someone was strong, and quite bitter. That night started off lonely, it was nothing different from the other nights she’s had.
Of course, like any of those other nights, she’d lie in her bed late, eating cereal watching whatever pointless video that came up next.
Until she received a text, simply from the name Ryan.
She thought nothing of it since Ryan is the name of her most beloved friend.
Once it was open, she realized it was just a stranger asking how her day was.
Due to such loneliness, she replied with, “Just average.” She proceeded to ask him how his was back.
He replied, “It’s better now that I’m talking to such a pretty girl.”
She blushed, and right after patheticness felt over her.
Who knew such tiny words could mean so much to a lonely person?
Small talk was made, and he told her, “I didn’t want to mention this, but you look quite divine.”
“Thank you.”Is all she replied with.
The words thank you ceased to exist to her since she’s received similar compliments from men who were only trying to feel her up.
“You should come over and cuddle me.” Is what the man said back.
Those words felt empty yet a sensation of warmth fell over her cold body.
“Where are you from?”Is all she asked back, disregarding his remark.
He told her Missouri.
That same place is where she resided. Where her problems and unhappiness was born.
“Me too.”She said back.
“No shit?”He said. A smile well over her face. “What part?”
“Republic.”She said plainly.
The dots signaling the opposite person typing flashed a couple times, like Ryan was hesitating to come up with words.
All he ended up saying back was, “Me too.”
Butterflies began to make their way into her stomach, the thought of actually being held made her excited. And finally happy.
He asked her if he could come over and she immediately shot that down.
With her phone in hand she looked down her doorway to find her parents sleeping peacefully in the next room.
“Probably not a good idea…”She said back.
She explained why and he just said, “Give me your address, I can pick you up and we can come here. We would be alone”
Her stomach flipped.
Straight forward, not that it was a bad thing.
She panicked though, of course. She looked awful currently, in her own opinion, she wanted to put on makeup and at least find a semi-matching outfit.
She got up and immediately grabbed basic makeup products and made her way quietly to the bathroom.
She shut the door lightly and sat all the makeup and her phone on the counter. She looked in the mirror and sighed.
“You should give me your address.”He had texted her while she took her mini trip.
“I don’t want to make you wait outside in the cold.”She said back.
“Lmao, I’m in a car, it has heat. I don’t mind waiting for you.” Is all he said back.
She texted him her address and switched her phone off and started doing her makeup.
Sloppily placing splotches of foundation on her face and rubbing it in the places needed most. Once it looked decent she moved on to her eyes. She picked up her palette of bright matte eyeshadow and chose the bright and subtle pink. She rubbed it on her eyelids and took her mascara and went over her eyelashes several times until they were long and lucious. She took her red lipstick and placed the end on her top lip. Moved slowly to the other side and repeated on her bottom lip.
She made kissy faces to herself in the mirror and ended up smiling.
“Finally.”Is all she said to her reflection.
She made her way back into her bedroom and placed her makeup materials back in their ideal places.
She switched on her phone and had a text from Ryan. She opened it and all he asked was, “You ready yet?”
“Almost. Just gotta put on clothes.”
She went to her closet and turned her flashlight on. She looked around and only found one article of clothing comfortable enough to wear in bed. Her black leggings were slipped on, one leg at a time. She sleeved white socks with blue hearts onto her feet and then placed them inside her ugg boots.
One problem left, no shirt.
She texted him and told him all she had to do was put on a shirt.
“You don’t need one.”
She smiled, thinking about where this could end up, no she didn’t.
“I’ll slip on a hoodie, it’ll be okay.”
“Bet.” Is what he said back.
She giggled softly trying to find her hoodie.
“Do you smoke?”
“Cigarettes?”
He sent back a smiley face, “Yes, and… you know.”
“Yes, to both.”
He sent back a winky face and it was left there.
She ended up finding her hoodie on her chair, she slipped it up over her body and slid her arms inside. She dosed herself in a few sprays of sweet peach perfume and switched on her phone once again.
“On my way out.”Is all she said back.
He sent back a smiley face.
She grabbed her pack of cigarettes thinking he would want a few and crawled over to her window. She took a glance back at her parents’ room and mouthed, sorry.
She opened her window as quietly as possible and stuck her head out. It’s quite chilly, but I’m sure that won’t matter in about 20 minutes.
She stuck her right leg out and then the left followed. Once her feet were on the ground she lifted the rest of her body out of the window. She pulled the curtains back into place and only hoped that her mother would not notice her open window.
She crawled under her bushes and came out into the opening of her front yard.
Ryan was parked yards away from her driveway, he was probably only trying to keep cover. She made her way into the street towards the left side of his car. She put her pale hand around the door handle and yanked it open revealing Ryan vaping in the driver’s seat.
He smiled as he caught sight of her.
“Hi.”He said.
She put her seatbelt on, “Hello.”
He studied her face before switching the car keys, “You are more attractive in person I must say.”
She rolled her eyes.
He turned his car key and the vehicle came to life. He pulled the handle into drive and off they were. They didn’t talk but only listened to music about halfway there.
He turned over to her as they hit a stop sign.
“You got a cancer stick?”
She giggled and pulled her pack out of her hoodie pocket. She opened it to reveal about 8 cigarettes in total.
She took one out and placed it into Ryan’s hand.
“Oh…”She said quietly.
“What?”
“I forgot my lighter.”
He smiled, “You’re lucky I’m a stoner.”
She giggled once again and in the next second there was a flame hovering over his face. He held the flame towards the end of the cigarette and took a breath. The cigarette became lit and he let go of the lighter, at the same time letting out a cloud of smoke from his mouth.
She studied him this entire time.
She thought he was cute.
Once they arrived in his driveway, he asked her if she’s ever used a bong.
“Yeah, but I prefer a pipe.”She told him.
He smiled and dug through the pocket of his driver’s door and pulled out a neat looking pipe.
“I gotchu.”He said.
He found his bag hidden in his pocket and took some of his weed out and placed it into the pipe.
“You wanna take turns?”
She nodded.
He showed her how his pipe worked and that’s where they lied for the next ten minutes.
They took turns taking hits from the pipe and they were laughing at each other in the process.
Whatever Ryan had was some good stuff… It hit her immediately.
And it might also be the fact she hasn’t had this kind of a buzz for a couple months.
He shut off his light and opened his door.
“Let’s go lady friend.” He said.
She followed him out of the car from her side. She closed her door and he locked the car completely. He walked towards the front door and looked behind him to see if she were still following.
She was.
When they arrived at the door, before he turned the knob he stated, “You might fall in love with my dog.”
“You have a dog?”Was her only question.
He nodded and opened the door quietly.
As she entered his lovely house, the dog came up to her and sat down. She gave the dog a pat and started exclaiming the cuteness of the animal.
“You know how I told you we were to be alone?”He said.
She nodded.
“Well, I just found out my sisters home.”He said.
Her mouth dropped and he smiled greatly. She slapped his arm and he looked like he wanted to attack her right then and there.
Not assault, but.. With love.
He took her hand and trailed her to his room.
He opened the door and the TV was already set on Hulu.
She walked in and her foot hit a pile of clothes.
“This is the man cave.”He said to her closing the door behind her.
She looked around and clothes lay in different areas on the floor.
“It’s a bit messy, I apologize.”
She said nothing but only smiled at him. That’s when he took off his shoes and socks, and along went his shirt.
He then plopped himself on his bed.
“You can get comfortable you know. Take off your shoes, maybe your hoodie..”His voice trailed off.
She took off her shoe and threw it at him, “You’re quite funny.”
She took off her other shoe and placed them beside his bed.
As she stared at him he was already laying down, he caught her glimpse.
“Personally I’m going to lay like this but you do you.”He said with a wink.
She smiled and rolled her eyes and made her way to lay down in front of him. Immediately his arm was snaked around her waist and the other below her neck.
“You’re warm.”She said.
“You’re cold.”
He asked her to hand him his controller for his PS4 and she reached over into his nearby chair to retrieve it.
“Thanks babes.”Is what he replied with and he switched on Family Guy.
“Fuck yeah.” He said.
She giggled.
They laid together arms and legs intertwined as the show played on.
Neither of them really watching it as hands went into deeper places.
A warm hand fell over her behind and she felt a small squeeze.
Her body quivered, the last person she had been touched by was her ex-boyfriend and she remembered he did the same thing.
Ryan didn’t realize this but only took it as she liked it.
She certainly did…
His hand led back up to her chest and her placed it along her left breast. There was a squeeze every now and then and soft breath would leave her mouth.
“You should take that off, it’s getting a little warm in here.”
She smiled at his remark, and sat up to take off her hoodie. The bright hoodie on about half an hour ago was now on the floor. Her chest was only protected by her pink bra, but of course that didn’t stop Ryan.
He switched his hand between her two breasts, feeling both of them through her brassiere. After some soft breaths, he took his hand and started to rub her crotch from the back. She moaned softly as she started to lubricate herself with each stroke.
He went back up and undid her bra. It was now on the floor along with her hoodie and her chest was completely exposed.
He cupped her breast in his hand as she felt a bulge press against her crotch from the back.
He grinded against her rarely and ever so softly, only to tease her and make her show him she wanted more.
He took his pants off and he signaled for her to do the same. They were both pantless now and only one article of clothing remained between the two beings before they became completely connected.
She felt his hot breath on her neck while they lied on his silky sheets. His grinding became more frequent and harder as time passed by, one grind after another. The drugs circulated their bloodstream, making its way in and out of their hearts like the need for this physical connection.
He began to kiss her neck as his hand trailed down back behind her, he pulled aside the thin layering of her thong and stuck a finger inside of her.
Immediately pleasure well up and she began to moan softly as his finger entered and left her body.
A deep breath was taken as empty kisses were placed on her skin, his fingers still generating magic.
The drugs, adrenaline and pleasure combine together to create a void of greatness and nothingness.
Is he just high? She thought. Of course he was, she was too. It’s not the only thing driving him to touch her and she knew that.
Before she knew it, her thong had been taken off and so were his boxers. He hovered over her body, wanting her to turn over so they could perform missionary.
She turned over and looked up at him from below with a begging expression. He made her wishes come true and he placed his member inside of her, going in and out slowly.
She started to moan, but he bent down and put his hand over her mouth to cover any kind of sensual noise.
He looked deep into her eyes as her begging became greater.
He replied, only going faster and harder, the way she likes it.
She put her hands around his body and began to place scratches along his back.
It’s been so unbelievably long since she had felt so… good.
Positions and orgasms later, they laid next to each other, their lips connected.
They kept connected, only when he took his mouth and bit her bottom lip. She felt her lip split open but she didn’t care.
They continued to be conjoined.
After a couple of make out sessions, he laid behind her and they were in the same position they were in two hours ago.
This time, only they remained naked, and they finally paid attention to the show.
They laughed at every single little thing and she was having a blast..
Maybe it was the drugs, maybe it was the sex, maybe it was the cuddling.
Maybe it was all of it.
She just knew that this was the point where she might have hit rock bottom once again.
No progress was made from where she was a year prior, as that was her goal.
She wanted this year to be her year where she wanted it to be great for her.
Yet it turned out to be the opposite and all she has been doing is dealing with this defeat.
And she’s doing that by doing actions like this.
And hopefully, only hopefully, will she be able to crawl out of the abyss of this sadness and defeat.
One of these days she’ll hopefully have a man to sit down with and their three kids around them to watch an evening show while having some delicious dinner.
One of these days hopefully she’ll be able to see the importance in life and why we live it.
Hopefully she’ll be better.
Actions like this are normal, but it isn’t for a 15 year old girl.
Wouldn’t you agree?
Tuesday, October 16, 2018 and on.
Afterwards wasn’t such a fascinating or special experience.
A couple of worries were thrown in the mix with feelings of guiltiness and worthlessness. STD’s, pregnancy, coping...
No one was told about this event, besides her beloved Ryan.
He was fairly disappointed in her, but she expected nothing less. She only told him for the sake of comfort but all she got was a lecture. As stated, she expected nothing less.
It disgusted him greatly that his name was also Ryan. It angered him to know this is how she’s been dealing with her problems, but she didn’t really care.
She was convinced he didn’t understand the simple fact that it made her feel good and better. But what he wanted her to know that it was only temporary.
She knew that already though, she knew with each time, these feelings of greatness and love was only temporary. It never lasted.
The minute she got home that night, she crawled through her bedroom window and stood in the middle of her room. She took off her clothes and placed the dirtied ones at the bottom of her basket so it doesn’t raise suspicion for her mother. She placed her boots back in her shoe rack where they were originally.
She took her pillows used as humps under the blankets to make it seem like she was sleeping and put them on the sidelines of her bed.
Once everything seemed like she never left, she made her way to the bathroom and slowly shut the door behind her. She switched on the light and made her way to stand in front of the mirror.
It took a second for her to even look up.
She finally did and all she felt was a lump in her throat and complete, utter disgust.
She stared at herself and replayed the night in her head.
She took her hands and placed them around her body to reenact the feeling of his fingertips dancing upon her skin.
Her right hand caressed her neck and she felt pain. She opened her eyes and looked in the mirror to find some kind of bruise.
She was certain it was a hickey.
Great.
She sighed and rubbed over it, staring in the mirror.
Damage was done, a mark was made.
Speaking of damage, her eyes trailed off to her lip. She remembered him biting her, and it splitting open.
There was a scab from the open spot and she ran her finger over it.
It was swollen but didn’t hurt, thankfully.
She just looks like she got beat up.
Rubbing over damaged places, she was trying to think of a story to explain to her mother.
It was no use, she’ll just tell her it split open.
She wasn’t lying at least.
Her neck however, she had no idea what she’d say about that. She’ll wing it.
She didn’t really care at this particular moment.
All she wanted was to close her eyes, and preferably to never wake up again.
She shut off the light and turned the door knob. She opened the door quietly and tip toed back to her room.
For a second, she stood in the hallway and admired her parents door.
“Fuck…”She whispers.
She turns away shameful and enters her own room.
Her dull body crawls it’s way towards her bed and finds a spot.
She closes her eyes and immediately dozes off to a deep sleep.
In the morning of October 16, 2018, she opens her eyes and immediately regret hits every part of her body.
She has a headache, her bones ache, her muscles hurt, and most important, her heart broke.
That night was certainly a mistake. It triggered a bunch of old habits and feelings.
She pretends to be oblivious and moves on with her day.
Homeschooling, she gets her homework done. Chores were completed.
But the only thing really on her mind was the fact that she did that, and that she’s definitely not okay.
No one really cares, is how she feels anyway.
They’ll listen to her and try to suggest advice, but how are you supposed to deal with a situation like this?
They can’t do anything to fix the problems that have drove her to resort to terrible actions like this. It’s not their fault but…
It makes her feel alone.
In the future, there will be more Ryan’s.
Nights full of regret and shameful stares in the mirror.
The guilt, the disappointment, and such dissatisfaction.
This is how the girl carries on with nights like these.
Nothing special, more typical if anything.
The questions lingers, what are her problems exactly?
It’s a simple yet such complex question.
Do you really want to know?
That’s the real question.
Impressum
Tag der Veröffentlichung: 18.10.2018
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