Inhalt

introduction

yes, this book

is about a boy.

maybe multiple boys.

guess you'll just have to assume.

just a book full of questions

that were never answered.

thoughts

never shared.

boys, girls, love.

it's a complicated thing.

but maybe not.

could be simple.

i wonder

sometimes it's hard to figure a person out

especially if you've only known them for two weeks before you decided to start dating

but even then you didn't decide to start dating, it just kind of happened

you didn't really talk about it

one moment you're meeting up for hangouts

next you're holding hands

then it's kissing

touching

clothes torn off

skin

more skin

lips

it feels good

so, you keep doing it

not only does it feel good in general

it feels good with him

and that's okay

because you're both happy

right?

that's how it works right?

not really

not if there's another girl

which there was

of course no words were discussed regarding her

and maybe that was my own fault

but how could it be

who knows

i sure don't

i don't know anything

literally

but sometimes i still see you

and i remember

your l i p s on m y lips

y o u r skin o n my s k i n

your h a n d s grabbing m y hands

i love y o u

you l o v e me t o o

you are not

we all put ourselves out there to be something

whether it's to be popular

pretty

outcast

sporty

nerdy

labels

those are what you call these

labels

you get them, regardless

it's just how the social systems work

and you however

you have many labels

from me

oh boy

you might wanna grab a tissue or two

it's not so pretty

but you know what is pretty?

what you put out there for all these people to see

yeah that's real pretty

it was pretty to me

you caught my eye

you caught my attention

you caught me

but now i see you

really see you

and

it's not

pretty

you are not

pretty

colorful

colors

we display so many different colors for people to see

blue

red

yellow

primary colors

primary emotions

sad

angry

happy

you my sir made me feel all these primary things

but these emotions mix

colors mix

makes new emotions

new colors

i don't want to have to name these other emotions

you can do it for yourself

imagine the rest

what he made me feel

what you think he made me feel

is it good

is it bad

you're probably right

hard

it's pretty hard moving on you know

moving on from something that made you feel so good

so happy

so amazing

so loved

so w a n t e d

it's hard to let things that make you feel like that go

in this moment i'm apparently comparing you to drugs

that's funny isn't it

how you can do that

compare people to everything and anything

i could say you remind me of a trash can and people would get it

i sure get it

i would get it

the people that came before you were definite trash cans

which is why i fell so hard

and fell for so long

and why when i was done, i stayed on the ground for a while before i decided to get up

hard

that's what it is

and what it will always be

those are some things i can't tell you

and probably not ever

but i can sit here and wonder

is it hard for you too?

lines

i got a long line

a long line of lovers

a long line of hurt

and a long line of many other things

drugs

sex

relationships

abuse

shall i go on?

i bet not because you don't want to hear these things

you tell me you want every part of me

you tell me you want everything

you tell me you love me

but if you love me

if you want me

why can't you hear these things?

these things are part of me

these things are everything

these things will affect me in this love

so if you love me

if you want me

why can't you hear them

i don't want you

if you won't want me

you can't want certain parts of people

and expect that to be okay

i'm not ok

and i won't be if you don't love me the right way

goodbye

i don't want you

and

i don't love you

grounds

when i think i got myself right above the ground

up right walking

feeling great

the sun is on my face

i go back down

in the below

where everything is dark

and i'm just sad

and it's not your fault

it's not anymore

it's mine

because my fucked up

emotional

dumbass

will not an asshole like you go

i'm not just pointing at you in particular

there are more of you

but you don't like to hear about them remember?

liar

is it hard to be trustworthy?

i don't understand really

you sit there and tell someone you love them

but when they ask you a question for reassurance

you lie straight to their face

that doesn't seem like love does it?

why be with someone you don't want to be with

just tell them you're done

instead of lying

it just hurts

do you know that?

i feel you do

but is it the fact you don't care

then why are you here with me

can't you just

not be a

liar

memories

you came over on a hot summer afternoon

we had walked from the park because you still had no idea where i lived

i walked there

you walked there

we met up under the tree of our first hang out

you put me against it with a hug, you pulled away and gave me a sweet kiss

i smiled at your appealing face

you started to walk away

but i stood there against that tree, mesmorized

you turned around and of course asked me if my awkward self was coming

i snapped back into this nice reality and took your hand

we walked to my house

we entered my home with a greeting from my parents

they said hello to you

and you politely said hello back along with the questioning of their day

they started to talk but i squeezed your hand a bit tighter and told them we had to go

and we went

went to my room

the familiar place, where we shared our first kiss two days prior

i was going to kiss you

but not just that

i wanted more of you

and i had the strong feeling you wanted more of me too

we got to my room

and you took off your shoes along with me

we placed them by my closet door

and that's where they sat for the next two hours

i turned on a show

to drown out any possible noise

you laid on my bed

expecting us to take a break

from all the walking

but your expectations were denied

i climbed on top of you

you put your hands on my hips

i didn't grind on you

and you didn't make me

i bent down

and i placed my lips on yours

stealing a kiss away

but you didn't seem to mind

i sure didn't

i laid down beside you, ignroing my urges to touch you

we watched this show

by now i don't even remember what it was

i was too busy thinking about you

and me

you had your arm around me

and at first you were at my shoulder

it went down my arm

to my back

now it was on my behind..

you were giving me signs

on what you really wanted to do

i looked up at you

and you looked down at me

i smiled

you smiled

you knew

i knew

sad

it's sad when you get broken up with

it's also sad when you do the breaking

it's just sad in general

ending a relationship with someone

because you don't love them anymore

you'll sit there and wonder why you even dated this person in the first place

you feel like you wasted your time

you feel like you wasted their time

but in the end, you just forget each other

especially when you find a new him or her

when you're with another one it's like the before never existed

and that's ok

i guess

that's just how it works

can't really change that

it has to

does it have to be like this

i mean it doesn't have to be

but do you feel like it should

tell me what you think

say it out loud

i wanna hear it

i n e e d t o h e a r i t

i don't think it should personally

we don't have to be together

but do you have to treat me like that

yeah you're you

i'd do anything for you

for you

but i'm not just good for sexting and sex

you got needs

i can fulfill those

if you don't want me to

please leave

i'm better than this

but because you're you

i'm staying

and i'm giving

and i'm receiving

it's good enough for me

until it isn't

so please

make up your fucking mind

people get lonely

lonely

it's a thing we all experience

some of us more often than others

and that's okay

to be lonely

we shouldn't let that loneliness

destroy us

it shouldn't have to be like that

but loneliness is a strong thing

that, we can't help

it's reasonable

i suppose

i've been destroyed by this thing called loneliess

too many times

my body isn't a sacred place like it's meant to be

it's on a display for any male passers to see

can you blame me

you could

i have an excuse

but is there really an excuse to whore yourself out

maybe that's why i have too many bad relationships

but whoring myself out

isn't how i got into them

that's not the only option i give myself when i get lonely

sometimes i look

for a person

who wants me

not just physically

but mentally as well

and sometimes i find them

and it's ok

for a while

until they slap you

until they touch you

until they leave you

but it's always like that

but it's not

it doesn't have to be

but it is for me

and i'd like to say

that's ok

but it's really not

too many times

and i'm still doing it

i think people would just call that idiocy

and i completely agree

fake

could you stand there

in front of a person who is hurting

and tell them you care

but you could give less than two fucks?

yeah

i'm a little hurt

simple

keep your words sweet and simple

that way you're understood

they would know at the least

if you spoke in complicated symphonies

you wouldnt be understood

they wouldn't know at all

you cant really be complicated

not with your words

not as a person

not with life

you wont be understood if you cant understand yourself

you cant expect that from someone

i learned that

what have you learned

nights

do you remember when you were so in love with someone

it was new

fresh

lovely

you couldn't get their face out of your head

the scent of their skin

the jolly taste of their lips

you wanted to see them as much as you could

you texted all the time

it was 24/7

was

it never stays 24/7

and that's ok

as long as the love

affection

adoration

and all the gooey stuff is still there

then it's ok

but you know there are times when that doesn't happen

and you stop seeing each other

you barely text at all

all that love is gone

it just slowly faded away

just how paper does when you set it on fire

slowly the paper no longer exists

but there are times

when you do see each other

and

you're happy

for a second

but then you get annoyed

disappointed

frustrated

you don't kiss anymore

you don't see their face anymore

you don't think about them

you can't remember the last they kissed you

you can't remember the scent of your skin after you hugged them

you can't remember when you loved them

and it hurts

not just you but them too

at least you would like to think

but who knows

we sure don't

but we don't talk anymore haha

when we do

it's just for favors

sexual favors

and we don't mind

but we do

at least i do

i mind

but does he?

today is the day

today is the day you had decided to leave her for me

you must be miserable now

i know you are

you are sitting in your room right now

bottle of cinnamon flavored whiskey

drinking your heart and regrets away

alone

tired

and frustrated

i didnt make that decision

and i know you dont even blame me

but yet you do

you fell for me

for a split second

and look where that led us

look what it made

two lonely people

both heart broken

and are we still?

broken?

over each other or

over her

i think its both

you know

i can still hear you breathe

the window screen

2 am

j.r. martin

are those words familiar?

do they make you think...

about me?

or just stuff you threw away

i think about you a lot

right now even

duh

do you still taste me?

those bites left on each other lips

did mine leave a scar?

i feel those rough lips again and again

placing gentle kisses upon my neck

but then i dont

its occasional

you and me

that, it still exists

but stops again for a while

Today is that day

You told me you loved me

You didnt love her

Today is that day

You told me you'd spend the rest of your life with me

You didnt want to spend it with her

Today is the day

It all went down

It was official

You and i

Me and you

You know?

Do you...

Still feel me?

Like i do you

I want you

Do you want me

Touch me?

Kiss me?

Hurt me?

Words and conversations

circle my head

and they wont go away

so maybe

I might end up just like you

Alone in my room

With a bottle of whiskey

dumb

we are young and dumb

but love is a sure thing, isnt it?

well

today is the day

July 27, 2016.

day & night

my feelings are kind of how night and day roll around

isn't that how all the edgy kids describe their feelings?

i think so haha

and that's ok

everything is just so plain

i don't know what to do with it anymore

why is it so hard to control feelings?

when these people come around, you can feel a fire of hatred flare up in sparks

or your heart shimmer down in the bellows of your stomach because of the love

it's just a little weird you know?

we can't control those so easily

and i mean that's ok, isn't it?

that's just the way it's supposed to be

can you answer a question for me?

when people tell you they love you, you always ask yourself, do they really?

but when a person says they hate you, it's the easiest thing in the world to believe

why?

it's a contradiction to the saying "don't believe until you see it"

you can never believe the love until they show you it completely and simply

but the hate, all they hate to do is say that word and your entire world falls apart

it's just a little weird is all

it's so easy to sit there and not believe the lovely words "i love you" from this person

but you can sit there and cry your face off if they use the word hate and your name in the same sentence

i wanna know why it works that way

is there something out there to answer it for me?

i'm sure there is if i just look it up

i'd rather sit here and think about it for myself

i think it's funny though

haha

i shouldn't have to look up that question

i should just know the answer shouldn't i?

is it that simple?

can you sit here and think about it for me?

is it so hard to come up with that answer?

love is such a simple and sacred thing

you know?

at the same time it's so complicated and messy

and is that our own faults?

missing

you ever been in love as a teenager?

i have

delightful is what it is

new feelings

not felt ever before

Its interesting

ive been in that love

i snuck out for this love

i almost ruined my entire life for this love

i wont tell you why

you already know

dont sit and act innocent please

it hurts me to know you didnt know you hurt me

does that make any sense?

i just remember you

in that hoodie of yours

you smelt appealing

i fell in love with the scent of your skin

could i ever classify all of this as love?

i guess i could but would it be this way for everyone else?

call me crazy

i know already

might

crazy

little fake life

i don't expect you to answer any of these questions that had to do with this little fake life you made up in my mind

and that's ok because frankly i don't really wanna know

i'm not letting it go of course

that hurt

do you think if i did find out these answers, i could let it go?

maybe...

maybe not

i guess i won't ever know will i?

it's upsetting

you told me... there was a piece of you in me

that was going to combine with mine to make this life

a piece of both of us to create one, one of ours

ours

a child

did i ever tell you that i thought i did something right?

even though it was all wrong from the start

i thought i did something right

i wasn't particularly going to be happy with the situation

i was 14

but as long as you were with me, i thought i was going to be ok

and that sounded crazy to you

who thinks about having children at age 14

does anyone?

i just don't get why you had to make up such a fake lie

to try to get me to leave your pathetic self

is it so hard to be honest?

all you had to say

i don't wanna be with you

i don't love you

i don't want anything from you

let me go

is that hard?

it had to be

otherwise why?

who would hurt another person that bad intetionally to try to get them to leave them

i feel like you just didn't want to hurt me

and you were trying to make it seem like it was my idea

but you know of course eventually i left you

i haven't moved on obviously

i haven't found someone better

but neither have you?

i really just wanna know why

you had me walk around for two weeks

convinced you and i were making this tiny life a reality

i just wanna know why you didn't just leave me

be honest

and leave

why?

why

w h y

blank

i'm telling myself it's time to let go

and maybe it really is

i should sit here and wipe everything associating with you out of my head

but do you think that's really easy to do?

for me to just

forget everything?

i'd like to think so

and so would a lot of people

but that's frankly impossible

I feel like a sap

there are people with way bigger problems

and i'm sitting here writing about my shitty relationships

charming huh?

everyone wants to date a girl like that

and some do

because it's easy

to make her feel things

make her think things

make her do things

and oh, trust me

it's all true

damaged girls will do whatever to please

to make you not leave

and yes of course that's frowned upon

but do you think if they keep receiving what they want

they care at all?

the answer is no

and that has been made clear to me on many occasions

i could say be more careful

but you never know it's happening until it is happening

or at least for me anyway

i just need to stop being so blind

and letting love be the priority

when it is so not

especially right now

slow down

look out

that's all i can really say

page turner

She recognized this look. The look of desperation that she would always receive from him on special occasions.

The occasions where he is lonely and there’s absolutely no one else around to fill this empty void in his chest.

She despised it, all this desperation. It was only for one thing.

She wanted to give him more than just that one thing, but he didn’t want to receive these things from her.

It was only her body, the physical love she could give him at this time.

And she never wanted to give him these things, she wanted to give him much more.

Like always, it was never the deal. It wasn’t what he wanted.

When she said that, he looked into her pleading eyes and told her that it was over.

There would be no more

A part of her was actually okay with that while the rest of her fell apart.

She always thought she couldn’t do without him, but that was a fib. She knew she could but the thing was, she didn’t want to.

And she wasn’t going to if she didn’t have to. She would always tell herself that she could try at least…

She would take his hands into hers and stare at his face telling him about these marvelous things that she could do, that she could give.

Residing the one thing that he actually wanted.

She would tell him that she would give him everything. Her soul, her heart, her body, her brain, everything to him.

All he had to do was say yes and that’s all she wanted.

And he did say yes, to her surprise. He did say yes. And for a second, she was satisfied, She got what she wanted. But that only goes so far.

He didn’t say yes for the fact that she was going to give him her brain, her heart, and her soul. It was for the fact that she would give him her body.

It was the only thing he had his mind on, it was the only thing he was listening for.

He knew it was there, she knew he knew that too.

And that isn’t so bad all the time, as long as the two people are okay with it. However, she was not. And now you’re asking, why is she doing it? Good question.

She was so tired of these desperation eras where he would come to her and beg her to give her everything of her body and not the everything of her.

She hated it so much.

But of course.

It was him, and because he’s him and her love for him fell so deeply she would give up the despisement.

She would turn into love, the sweet physical love that he wanted from her. It would last up to the span of at least an hour. And that hour was defined as Haven for her.

And of course afterwards it was feeling like love, the love between them. The love to him the love to her.

He would hold her, put his arm around her, and hold her hand. Gently caress his thumb across her arm. And she loved it.

There’s the word again, love.

For two seconds that love word existed. But the next two seconds and so on however, not so much.

They were not perfect because she realized it was not love. It was only the physical connection that was residing within her heart that was distinguishing to love in her brain.

To him, it was just a fling, it was just a good time he had with a girl.

A good time that’s happened many times over the course of two years.

It was many and probably will always continue to be many.

She still was in love, and probably will continue to be as well as the flings continue.

And it’s not such a bad thing. Not in his reality anyway. In her reality, it was everything.

He was everything.

Every time she saw him, her heart would skip little beats. Every time they did go on these little flings, her anxiety went through the roof. Due to his risk taking ways and carelessness, she always had moments of panic. But she loved it. That adrenaline pumped through these fires that dwell in her heart and they roared. All the love roared out into the open.

But it wasn’t being received with anything. It was being given off into the air.

It was pointless.

But does she know that? Does she know it’s all for nothing?

She doesn’t want it to be, She sure knows it though.

These thoughts do keep in her head, though they are pushed back deep to where they aren’t lead into the spotlight as easily as these thoughts of love.

They are there.

Just buried away under all these fake broken promises.

That’s another thing for another time.

But for now we will just discuss the situation of a girl who has all this love to give for a boy who just wants her for her body.

It was her. It was me.

That her is me.

That him, man.

She’s in love.

And I don’t blame her.

Do you?

individual

I mean, it’s yours. That’s why i said i like it, i’m just… i didn’t mean like.. You know what i mean, don’t you?

The giggles continued, but yes, secretly she knew what he meant.

But she didn’t express it, so he was left clueless.

I like your voice, that’s all i gotta say about it.

Her giggles trail on to a face full of red.

He couldn’t see it of course, this was on the phone… thankfully for her.

All he could hear is her continuous giggles, not knowing whether it was a nervous laugh or if she was full of joy.

It was probably both.

Usually the only compliments she receives are through empty texts but he said it with his voice, whom she liked as well.

Of course she awkwardly explained the situation was mutual.

He thought fib, there was no way.

She reassured the stranger, saying it was all truth.

There was no idea for her to know whether he believed her or not

But after that moment, the giggles continued, but they weren’t for nervous reasons anymore.

feelings

They’re quite overcomplicating

It’s weird how we deal with feelings or how we feel the feelings

You make me feel feelings

In a way i haven’t in so long

I wanted to be pulled out of the abyss

And you started to..

But i honestly already feel myself slipping away

Do you understand?

I don’t feel like you’re the one

But for some reason i want to try

Is that wrong?

Are you mad?

You’re never going to read this anyway

So what’s the point

envy

I gave you so much time

To tell me how you really felt

If you hated me or loved me

I hope you realize there comes a point when people get done waiting

Especially when it’s a waste of time

So…

If there’s something here

Now is the time to tell me before

I make permanent changes

Because he plays me the songs the way you did

He caresses me the way you did

He plays me strong like you did

And he doesn’t treat me like shit like you did

But i will however remember the taste of your lips

And my shadow will remember the swing of your hips

So please

Don’t be jealous

If you are

Tell me how it feels

I’ll be here for you to tell me about it

But after that

I’m gone

okay?

skin

layers of skin

miles of it

layers of skin

impeccably fragile

layers of skin

exposed to deleterious people like you

agathokakological

A word perfectly used to describe you.

Righteous, yet deleterious..

You were virtuous at certain periods of time, you only felt like being so pleasant when it was at your discretion.

Inconsiderate of another being’s emotions or feelings.

Especially not mine, if anyone’s.

Seductively evil, you were hard to resist but of course it was so very dire of me to continue the chaotic anything that fell from your lips.

Titillating, you aroused elation inside of brain, your mild ideas and plans made it a difficult process to get you out of my life.

Salacious, sound familiar? That’s all it was for us, nothing genuine or substantial.

I could go on and on with words to describe the concrete class of the person you are.

There’s too many delicious yet defying words out there for me to go over.

Take it as you will, I don’t apologize.

a new

Thoughts and feelings of you are slowly pouring away from my mind, into a place where I no longer have to keep track of them.

They are not gone forever however, but for now, a new has taken your spot.

He took your spot.

He never committed acts to hurt me, like you happened to do.

But he left me, with the greatest pain of all, more pain than you ever produced on me.

I am still feeling this pain, and I have feelings it might not ever go away.

He was perfect, caring, kind, funny, he was everything a girl would ever want.

But he was a hard man, it wasn’t very easy for him to talk about things.

Which is why I’m convinced that’s the reason he never told me he loved me.

I get it though, not wanting to share that kind of feeling, I get it.

But he left me, and I feel like I have nothing left to give.

gone

You’ve left me and i feel like i have nothing left

Explanations on our own personal feelings weren’t shared much, especially regarding us.

Due to that, no words were spoken.

Until that night, the night you left me and i felt like i had nothing left.

You shared your feelings of loving me, and how you figured i didn’t feel the same way.

I didn’t know what to tell you or say back, so i didn’t say much, and that was really a mistake.

You’re gone now and i feel like i have nothing left.

Thoughts were shared, you told me you didn’t want to talk to me anymore if we weren’t together, you wanted a life with me.

He said he’d be back, and that he hopes his presence no longer affecting my days will change the way i feel about him.

It did.

It changed everything for me.

You’re gone and I feel like I have nothing left.

plans

Many things were said regarding the future.

What we would do, if we’d get a house or an apartment, how many kids we’d have and what their names would be. Getting a dog, deciding what breed it would be and what we would name it. Maybe getting a clownfish, naming it Nemo because we’re so original.

Does he remember that?

It plays in my mind every single day since he’s gone away. Not that I’m complaining about it because it makes me very very happy thinking about having these things with him.

But I’m certain this won’t be a reality anymore because he left me.

His reasoning was not anything pointless, he gave me very good reasons.

I just wish he would have thought about it before he decided to break both of us.

But I get him, I always have and he knew that.

So it’s ok for him to be gone, but I’m certainly not that great without him.

I’ll just keep those memories of him getting annoyed with me for calling him darling.

I’ll remember the times he’d talk about us having two boys together.

I’ll remember him going on and on about how the world would be if the Germans won World War II.

I’ll remember his sweet and romance songs he’d send to me.

He is luscious, precious, and so very special to me.

Please don’t forget that.

And please come back to me one day.

I’d really like these things with him to become a reality.

It’d be the best reality I could ever imagine.

And I think about it all the time anymore.

So.. Please.

Do that for me, Darling.

little

you think too little of me don't you?

it's okay to say yes but

why do you even keep me around if that really is the case

you think you're better than me and that's unacceptable

i don't want to be with someone who constantly thinks they're better or needs their stuff but not mine because i'm me

just saddens me how much you don't think about me

it makes me very sad

love him

Do you really love him?

Or is he just for fun?

All the nights you stayed up late texting him, only wishing to feel his body heat laying in bed next to you.

Those nights where he couldn’t stand not seeing you, you watched his show he loves which you show no interest, but the quality time made you fall deeper.

All that time you spent with him, is it too early?

Is it too late?

There are days when it feels dull, no one feels like touching one another.

But it comes back to life with a simple good morning text, knowing that’s who you think of when you wake up.

Am i what you think of when you first wake up?

Thoughts and feelings roll around constantly, at least for one.

Complicated 24/7, can you deal with it?

Will you crack and leave?

Too many reassuring questions for you to answer…

Should i say it?

Is it too late?

I wonder, all the time what you think of me, if you think of me.

I don’t think it’s too early, i don’t think it’s too late.

Should i say it?

I’ll get the guts to look you in the eye and say it.

Your beautiful brown eyes, the ones who glow when you catch sight of me.

I wanna say it, i mean it.

I love you!

I said it, i meant it.

Your smile widens then slowly faded.

Do you not feel the same?

obvious

This continues and there’s no reason for it.

Have you not let go? Proof is there, you haven’t.

It’s been made very clear that you are not important, not anymore.

One point, you were my best friend, but it changed when you became less than that.

It wasn’t the feelings that were changing, it was you.

The word useless was just used out of anger, hopefully that is known.

Yet any other word that would be used to describe you isn’t much better than useless.

Did it hurt you? Proof is there, it did.

That wasn’t the intention but at the same time, how else can anything get through your mind without a little aggression?

It can’t, that’s the point.

Hypocrite was also used, you say answers should be obvious, is it not here?

That answer is an obvious no considering you asked many times, how?

Answers could be given willingly if you were ever willing to listen.

Caring, something that you could never qualify for.

Certainly, it didn’t go both ways, but the question is when did you know it stopped?

Obvious answer, it’s been a while.

The subject of care, was it asked of you? Nah.

Was it asked that you still do? Nah, but obviously you do since this is still ongoing.

Nothing is expected, the specific names used, they were used for a reason.

Cherishing memories, something performed often too.

Faded, they did because of the person you became for me.

They will stay in the back of the mind considering you are nothing BUT a memory.

Go ahead, leave, the door has been wide open for many months now.

Dearly, you were cared for at a point, but also at a point things stop, that obviously did.

Guess you’ll never know? Guess you do know now.

Someone has replaced you, more so has been here before you arrived.

Clearly, you were jealous of that fact on occasion, it was certainly funny.

Secrets weren’t shared based off of you not being trustworthy or caring of them.

Simple as that, it was never proven that you could be, so sorry, love, but you’re not it, you never were.

Does this satisfy you?

Does this work as your obvious answers?

Hopefully it suffixes and doesn’t go any longer, obviously it’s gone long enough.

“I’m sorry love.”

“But I can’t continue with you.”

“Sincerely, your ex-best friend.”

hypocrisy

If you had ever let go, why do you still write about me?

Why does scraps and implements of my being still used in your complicated and wrong symphonies?

Obvious answer, you’re holding on and doing the absolute opposite of letting go.

Good luck with this “better” one if you could ever tell him anything that you’re actually feeling.

With current knowledge, that was a difficulty for both of you, how’s that going?

Not that you would care to tell me anyway, because oh right… You let go.

Hypocrite, I do indeed have the right to name you this, because it is certainly true.

Did you actually have to look up the definition to prove your point instead of using your own brain? Not a surprise.

Synonym for you, deleterious. Look that up too why don’t you?

Deceitful is a perfect name, you don’t deceive people?

Answer me this, why did you act as if you were a companion when you were really just toxic?

In the end, I am completely convinced you just didn’t want to be alone, personal advantage I’d say.

Deceitful, you are.

Indeed it is nice to think of one’s self, we all have to when it comes to literally every decision in our life. That’s pretty obvious I’d say, but thank you for pointing it out anyway.

In reality, you would know for sure.

Considering I left without even thinking of you at all, only me, myself and I. First hand experience, yay you!

Thinking of one’s self is always good, don’t you know that already?

Or are you going to continue thinking of everyone else around you because you’re afraid of losing anyone else?

Useless was used sparingly, and so righteously. It was correct and oh so true.

Useless is not something to describe me however, if you say you cherish our precious memories so dearly, reminisce on all those late night, all those boyfriends thousands of miles away, your family. Just remember for a second.

All these idiotic acts you were committing, asking for help and not taking it - my reasoning on why I always got aggressive with you.

Obviously it took a bit of a word beating to knock even a tiny bit of sense into you - hence on why I stopped caring.

Now please, read over my words and take them in willingly. Think about yourself and the person you were to me and the person you will be for more to come.

For my sake, hopefully no one will dare, but not everyone is that bright.

Certainly I wasn’t, I was blinded by the friendship just like infatuation clouds up the red flags in people.

But at least I am gone now, I can always be said bright for realizing the ugly truth.

Have I proved my point yet?

Is this enough for you to hush your mouth?

I never got the chance to speak my mind before you decided to run away, so here you go.

If you ever need more explaining in simpler terms, please, let me know. More than happy to provide new words.

It’ll only get worse from here.

I suggest you really let go now.

Goodbye again?

I hope.

my love

I long for you.

Those lonely nights, 3 in the morning, jamming out to some blue tunes thinking about a person who will do this with me someday.

Does that person ever think about me?

My love for people are strong, so I can promise you me.

My heart will reside within yours, I wouldn’t want it any other way.

I long for you and the future we behold.

Letting go of all the other pieces of my heart that were stolen away, so you can have the rest and hopefully fill in the missing parts.

I long to fix yours, if it ever does need a repair like my worn out one does.

Thinking about the damage that has been done and the things that will be used to help me and you strive.

I long for many things, but most importantly you.

forget

I can always forget, forgive, hate, love.

We’re all capable of it, it’s just what we decide to do.

There are some people I’ve encountered that I would simply like to forget.

Others I choose to hate because of the pain that arose.

I can forgive, but probably leave them on hold.

Loving, is what I’d prefer to do.

But some people you just can’t love. And you are one of them.

I’m convinced no one could love you, you’ll fuck it up at some point.

So why do you keep trying?

carousel

Continuous, this pointless circle.

It goes around and around just like a carousel, and I want to get off.

This never-ending carousel only continues due to words needing to be said.

When you were a kid, you wanted to ride the carousel over and over again, like how it spins around.

At first it’s fun, new, delightful.

But after a while, the spinning gets old.

The same scenes pass you by, after each full spin.

Over and over again, the same spin, the same scenes, the only thing that changes is how you feel.

You feel sick, tired, you just want to get off.

Once you get off, you leave and forget about it.

Hopefully to find a new ride that will make you excited and happy unlike the one you just got off.

It’s kind of silly, because that’s just a child for you.

But also like you, you are a child, you are like a carousel.

Do I even need to explain? I feel like I do, just like the carousel concept to help you understand something for once.

All you did was make me sick, that spinning, all the same things happening over and over again.

The whining, just like a child, when things didn’t turn out the way it should, only because you kept doing the same thing over and over again instead of something new.

Everything was spinning.

Too much of that spinning will make one dizzy, which is why I got off.

And only watched you as you spun out of control.

Do you think I tried to help put you back on track, on that normal spinning motion?

No, due to it being your normal track, where everything would just circle around again.

I didn’t want to do it, I wanted off.

And now I am.

Spin out of control, do damage, fuck up everything as you please.

Do that, or fix everything yourself instead of trying to blame me for not trying to.

It’s not my job, and never was.

Get over yourself already.

sticks & stones

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

Tell me some more how words can’t hurt you.

Do they not stay in the back of your head?

It’s like watching a cartoon character run in place.

Words mean everything, considering they have specific meanings.

They mean something, everything.

Individual words will come together to create a sentence, that has a bigger meaning than the words by themselves.

In all reality, every word means something, but tell yourself what you need to, to decrease the pain.

It’s not a good idea to start something you can’t finish.

Which is exactly what you did.

Little words sprawled out over an empty picture, about me it is.

Only there, in a place where it is safe from my eyes, but not the worlds.

Which was your intention correct?

They ask so you can trash my name.

Before you do that, let me drag yours through the mud.

Your own words seemed to only bite you right back in the ass, funny, huh?.

Go on though, believe what you need to after reading my meanings of you.

Keep believing my words can’t hurt you. Even though you make it painfully obvious they do.

Just do whatever to help your pathetic existence sleep better at night.

Stop, is what you say, but is it what you do yourself?

Still ongoing, on both ends, and only one is holding their’s up.

Pick up the slack, you’re falling behind.

You’re welcome, once again.

For giving you words of my wisdom about your existence.

I hope they delight you, help you understand something maybe for once.

I don’t think you even read my words to the full extent.

Considering we’re still here and all.

I feel like you cherry pick the words you want to talk back at, but never the full paper.

Learn to change that, because you’ll never get anywhere like this.

Change your approach as well.

Hiding behind a block button doesn’t make you seem very serious.

But anyway.

Hope this helps you somehow.

Whether it helps you move on, or just get angrier at nothing, it’ll help with something.

Good luck with this one,

love.

talk n text

Do not ever underestimate me.

I will say things that will burn a hole in your heart.

Certainly, I think it’s been done already.

Why did you lie to yourself?

Saying you don’t care and all these hideous things, and turn around and not mean any of them?

It’s now the opposite and I’m not sure which words to believe.

Be clear, because I was.

Do I hate you?

No, hate is too strong.

Hateful, is not what I am.

Just honest.

I express my feelings and emotions in sentences like this.

Do you understand that?

Never was hate expressed, just great anger because of your being.

You don’t know how I would react?

I can tell you since you’ve made it clear you miss me.

Simply, a response would be granted.

I’m not cold.

I know how those feelings feel.

Don’t you think I’d want to help if you needed it?

In other words.

Try not to fuck with me again.

Would appreciate the not needed anger.

Go ahead, text me.

If you please, if you really miss me.

Tell me about all the things that are bothering you.

I’m here.

Probably always will be.

Anger passes but never love.

Remember that.

idc

Can you tell me what you consider me to be?

Am I your girlfriend, or just someone for fun.

I’m starting to convince myself it’s number two.

Just by your acts, the things you say to me.

It hurts, those careless words you speak proudly.

They stay in the back of my mind and make me paranoid we’re nothing.

Are we nothing?

I need an answer.

I’d like to know, honestly.

No one even knows I exist.

I’m starting to feel like we’re nothing.

You’re making it into nothing.

But if we are something.

Please prove it to me already.

I’m tired of waiting around, just for verbal abuse and emotional damage.

Just be honest, dammit.

constant

It was never meant to be this way.

The constant validation and need for reassurance.

Excuses could be given but that would be fickle.

Constant worry about your love in your heart for me.

Only because I wasn’t loved enough.

I trust you, I feel like I can trust you.

But damage has been done, it is a hard subject to declare.

Someday these little acts of paranoia and assurance will make sense.

But for now I will keep you in the dark.

Only to keep you safe, keep you bright.

To think of me as perfect.

favorite liar

Drowning my sorrows away with the consumption of various sugars, only because you have left once again.

In my mind, the strong feelings of my doubts of being true grows stronger, and today has confirmed them.

Never meant to be doubtful about you but my doubts are here to stay, they don’t plan on going anywhere anytime soon.

Was I too much? Or was it the fact you were too much?

All of it are assumptions considering no reasons were given regarding the sole fact you were leaving again.

“It’s nothing.” Clearly, it was something.

You never seemed to take me seriously, and in the end, our relationship wasn’t serious.

I was convinced you were using me as a toy, just to get by without being lonely.

For me, it feels to be that way.

Only a couple tears fell from my cheek for you, and more plan to come when the time is appropriate.

Today was a bad day.

And that fact was known.

But I assume you didn’t care by your actions and your wording along with it.

I’m sure you’ll be fine without me, you seemed to have left easily enough.

In my mind, I don’t expect you to come back anytime soon as you did the last.

I was convinced I liked your beating heart more than you did mine.

Difficulties gripping the thought of not getting a good morning text anymore hurts me, I had always looked forward to it.

I stayed up late at night in case you would need me or couldn’t sleep, sometimes you did.

I feel I did my best as being your partner, but if I didn’t, nothing was said regarding it.

Only I can think of your possible reasonings and maybe the possibility of you showing back up.

You did last time because you missed me too much.

Will it be the same this time?

officially over

Storm clouds begin to move in, only signaling its about to start.

They’re dark, and subtle, coming in at a consistent pace.

As wind begins to pick up dancing through the uncut grass and leaves in the trees, rain drops start to fall and hit the ground.

Thunder starts to rumble as if the world is angry at us.

Ombre colored lightning streaks begin to make roots through the sky lighting up the black clouds.

Standing outside, admiring the beauty of what the world can create.

Also waiting to see what it can destroy.

Raindrops fall on my face, dripping down my cheeks cooling down my heated body.

Maybe, I thought, maybe it was the right time to ask.

Maybe everything would end up how I pictured.

A glimmer of hope, the bright and soothing lightning was beating down hope.

Foolishly, the question was asked, and was answered with an unwanted response.

Paranoia got the best of my mind, but it turned out everything it made me think was right.

Distance grew between us, we parted ways like clouds dispatch, basically becoming nothing except a clear, blue, happy sky.

Except, happiness wasn’t existent with us anymore.

No longer happy, words were barely exchanged.

But tonight it was different.

Words were said and won’t be taken back similar to how lightning strikes the ground and does damage to whatever it seems to hit.

The wreckage to the earth will fix itself, the only difference, this won’t fix itself.

Once the storm passes, everyone will forgive the world for giving us a scare and forget about it.

This will just be forgotten.

A lost cause and nothing worth fighting for, it’s over.

Avoiding the truth, only because it hurt more when he said it.

The storm plays on, thunder rumbling and lightning continues to strike.

Laying in a dark room, tears falling down cheeks that contain salt and regret.

It’s over now, but that doesn’t stop the pain.

It’ll hurt, and hurt some more but soon enough it’ll get better.

It’s like how the Earth recovers from a terrible and frightening storm.

Pictures of him play in my mind, contemplating whether or not they should be deleted.

They’ll keep their rightful place, based on the fact nothing changes the fact I’ll miss him.

It was a good run.

Everything will be greener tomorrow.

It’ll smell fresh and new.

I’ll miss you.

But I hope you’re happier now.

Our memories and laughter feel so far away, but I remember them like they happened yesterday.

Thank you, Lulu.

in love

The end wasn’t so near afterall, it seems to be that I’m in love with you.

Maybe it has been that way ever since I met you, but it’s definitely in my heart.

I’m not sure what I would do without you.

You want to pursue your dreams and I want nothing more, I will never stand in your way but instead accompany you, by your side as long as you will have me for.

My thoughts, my feelings, my urges will be kept in a box until you return to me.

For now, I will cherish every second that I am with you, and keep it in my heart until that day arrives where you will leave.

I am patient, determined and so very in love with you.

My heart belongs to you, and I intend on letting you bring it with you wherever you end up.

If this was meant to be, we’ll find a way.

But for the time being.

I love you.

I think I always have.

secret

I need to tell you a secret.

Just listen for once, and don’t say anything.

At the end of the year I came to a point where I thought my existence didn’t matter to anyone, how could it when it didn’t even matter to me.

A zombie is what I was, waking up and just breathing throughout the day, no goal in mind, just existing.

I felt so alone in my own head, thought of myself as worthless and unlovable.

Only because I’ve been made to think that all my life, through all kinds of different people.

I’m not able to love myself as I should, only because I cared so much about what anyone thought of me. And everyone I ever cared about dragged my self worth down the drain, even when I thought they weren’t that kind of person.

I’m not able to trust anyone, I can barely even manage trusting myself. Everyone I have entrusted my heart to has crushed it before my eyes. If any stayed to attempt to fix it, it was never the same, I could never look at them the way I did before.

I guess I cannot sit here and blame everyone else, because in all reality, it all lands on me, for letting these kinds of people in. Loving them when they didn’t deserve it and trusting them when they proved I couldn’t.

I was contemplating how to do it, where to do it, and if I should leave any words behind, if it would have even mattered.

I still feel alone to this day, that hasn’t changed much. The only difference is, I’m not alone anymore in this body.

I have you now, my kin, my love and life, my child.

I will stay here for you, at least, I know you will need me.

Impressum

Texte: me
Bildmaterialien: idk
Cover: maybe
Lektorat: ryan
Übersetzung: me
Satz: egh
Tag der Veröffentlichung: 02.07.2018

Widmung:
me him you them

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