intro

nothing nothing nothing

that's basically it

in this nothing book you will begin to read nothing stories or nothing thoughts

you can be the literal judge for yourself on whether these things are nothing or not

but for me

nothing

 

there's not really a point

sometimes i sit here and i write these stories

or maybe a thought or two

and i just leave them somewhere

 

and i figured maybe

you would like to read these nothings from me

maybe you'll like them

maybe you'll think they're nothing like i do

 

you decide i suppose

sit back and relax

read my nothing book

 

enjoy

 

cold

 

She touched his hands, and it felt like ice. Not because he was cold, but because she froze when his skin met her’s. He made her freeze in place, when he called her name, when he touched her, when she saw him, she froze every single time. She didn’t know whether this was a good or bad thing, she’d like to classify it as both because she didn’t want to feel that way and yet no one has ever made her feel that.  

Yet these feelings fade away, and soon enough he will not make her freeze in her place anymore.

He will not make her freeze when he calls her, not when he touches her, nor when he enters a room.

He will be sad because he lost her frozen hands. She will be happy because another he will make her freeze like the he before.

But maybe one day he can find another her who freezes in her place like the she before.

Hopefully it ends that way, we all need someone that make us freeze in our tracks when they say our name, when they touch us or when they enter a room. We all need someone who freezes in their tracks too.

It’s just a needed thing for human life. Social interaction. Affection. A life. A family.

I don’t blame you, and no one else should.

Let’s just all hope we find that person who makes us freeze.

it

 Sparkles are painting the sky tonight. The moon is the center point, and your eyes will then trail on, focusing on individual dots of light. Those shiny dots will twinkle at you like they are filled with absolute gratitude because you noticed them in specific when there are millions surrounding that are exactly the same. You’re there alone, no comfort of anyone in special to you, there is just the navy blue sky keeping you company with it’s little light friends. But it is all okay, you realize that maybe the sky really is there for you. You’d like to think so, to allow yourself some assurance. And that is really okay. We all need someone there for all this reassurance, love, affection, stability… The list goes on and on for the things that we need from others. Most of us do wish that we could provide these simple sounding things for ourselves. For most of us, unfortunately, we are unable to. Sometimes, I envy those who can provide these things for themselves. It’s very confusing, not understanding how they make it out on their own. It’s possible to learn the ways of lonely ones. But I, certainly do not want to. I love the visual of waking up to my lovely every morning. I admire the fact that he’ll love me unconditionally and our kids included. I am not a lonely person, I do not wish to carry on cherishing my life only. It could just be me. Maybe, it really is just me. I hope it isn’t so…

dark

 

Isn’t it crazy how feelings work? One second you’re the happiest being in the world, and the next you could get so low. It’s like you’re on a rollercoaster. You’re on top of the world, and out of nowhere, you’re in hell. You could be in absolute infatuation, and after a minute you could despise their existence completely. It’s crazy! I just wish there wasn’t these mental illnesses that can change these feelings we have abruptly so often… In time, we go insane over it. We can never feel one thing for too long, regardless of what it is. It just keeps changing and changing, and for those who do not like change… Oof.

It’s really just a crazy idea we barely know anything about. The brain is such an advanced thing and it works in so many different ways. I think it’s safe to say that some brains are underdeveloped and overdeveloped. I will not share my theory on why these behaviors and things happen, because I would possibly bore you to death.

Maybe I’ll do that another day.

For now.

Just think.

Isn’t it just crazy how we feel all these different things? So strongly, or poorly? So often, and not? So quickly and stranded? We aren’t the only ones who feel these things. Other animals do too, that’s pretty obvious. Which is why I think vegetarians are a thing.

And I don’t blame them, I’m not exactly proud of being a meat eater, but I don’t want to have to change my diet completely because of nature. The food chain is a thing.

I won’t get into that either, I don’t need people to get triggered.

But oh boy, oh boy.

I have much to say and not much time to say it.

Which is okay, because as long as a couple of my thoughts are out there somewhere floating in someone’s head, that’s aye okay with me.

glow

 

Do you ever have the fear that you won’t live your life the way you want to? I sure do, and it scares the absolute hell out of me. It is confirmed nothing ever goes to plan, but.. It’s the fear of it going completely off-plan. We have these visions we are dreaming of right now, if you’re me, you are dreaming of a career that you love that pays well, I’m living comfortably with my three kids and my husband who loves me unconditionally. That’s the vague vision on my part anyway. Nothing specific is yet official, mostly because I haven’t crossed any of these roads. But I’ll sit here, day by day, looking at myself in the mirror wondering, what if you can’t have kids? What if your husband leaves you after you have your kids? What if you can’t get your dream job? What if.

What if.

All these what if’s. They scare the fuck out of me.

I just wish, I wouldn’t have to feel these things or think them. You know?

Everything would be so simple and easy for you if you were just hippity hop on everything that goes. But nothing works like that. We’re human and our brains are functioned to react a certain way to situations. It’s just how it is.

Even though so many of us just sit here and wonder how great it would be if we couldn’t feel a damn thing.

skin

say it again,        she asks nicely.

She's looking up at him    with the word please

written all          over her                  innocent face.

In this moment,             she's not so innocent. 

 

 

 

this should never end,      he says, looking at her below. 

her eyes roll into                     the back of her head

and of course       he's going to start             going harder

because he knows             this innocent girl         likes it like that. 

 

 

 

 

this is a special moment         between two beings.

she's begging him for more,            but do we know why? 

 

 

 

 

to you

 

You were the sun. You were the middle of my life. You were, I said.

I adore you, I said I adore you.

I love you, I said I love you.

I like you, I said I like you.

I care, did you hear me? I said I care.

You ignore all these things I say, you claim to me you don’t care. But honestly, the only thing crossing my mind is the fact that you’re still here talking to me. I want to ask you why but I have a strong feeling you won’t answer me. I’m probably right knowing you.

You still mean the world to me, but I’m sure the feeling is not mutual. I still kind of feel like it could be, our timing was just wrong.

We were good, but something happened and I want to ask you about that too.

There are so many questions that are swimming around in the back of my mind, pushing their way forward to bother me again. And they make their way to the surface sometimes, they do. It bothers the hell out of me, but you know… I can’t really do anything about it because you won’t answer me.

You don’t talk to me, feeling wise. You don’t tell me anything, and that upsets me. I want to know more, I want to know how you’re feeling, I want to know what’s up in your life, I want to know you.

I do know you, about you anyway. But right now, it’s a little different.

You might’ve changed and I wouldn’t know. You don’t talk.

I miss you, so fucking much.

But I’m not going to say that either.

I really want to ask you.

What happened?

Why’d you stop kissing me?

Why’d you stop wanting to see me?

Did you cheat on me?

Have you ever gotten to the point where you miss me?

Did you even love me?

Questions like that bother me. Questions and words like that are the thing that’s keeping me back. It affects me emotionally obviously, and sometimes it affects me physically. It’s another thing on a pile.

But it’s a big thing.

To me it is anyway.

I’m not sure what it is to you, and I might not ever know.

I might not ever know, and right now that’s not really acceptable to me, but I’m sure five, ten, twenty years later it won’t mean shit to me.

Who knows though?

We don’t.

Which is why I wrote this.

To look back at how stupid I was over some boy I knew.

But right now I want you there with me five, ten, twenty years from now. That’s just how it is now though, who even knows?!

God, I miss you.

God, I love you.

God, I need you.

God I want you.

GOD!

You’re so special.

You’re the sun.

You’re the world.

You’re my sky.

You’re my moon.

You were mine.

You’re not mine.

Every time I have a thought of these, I tell myself that maybe at one point, you were like this about me too.

But I might never know, right now I don’t.

And that’s completely okay, until it’s not again.

But who even knows anymore?

No one does unless you talk.

But that’s obviously not working, haha.

It’s alright.

It’s cool.

I’ll be okay.

I just hope you’re okay.

I just hope you’re happy.

I just hope it all goes well.

I just hope you find someone.

I hope that someone might be me.

I hope that you’ll continue to live.

I just hope you stay you.

sweet

 

He remembers the taste of her lips. Quite sweet, he would always say to her, pulling away. Of course she’d blush at him, she’d never been called sweet before.

Sour was a familiar name for her.

But for him, he could get through the sour and bitterness just fine. He would often sit and wonder how in the world no one else could.

take

 she takes his hands and places them up on her cheeks

making him feel every ounce of warmth swarming through her face

 

you feel lovely, he says

 

she smiles of course

 

he rubs his thumb across her naked cheek and admires her perfection

 

you're nothing, he says to her

 

her smile continues because she knows that this is all a lie

he might say that to her face but actions can speak a different language

and they do for sure

and she's fluent in both

 

she understands that hate is being transmitted through these simple words that are coming out of his mouth 

but his actions are showing love

they show that miss is a feeling that's in his body

 

and that's ok with her

she's ok with him saying he hates her

she doesn't care

it's all because she knows it's not true

 

but that's just the simple fact altogether

lone

 you like being alone don't you?

 

you can tell me that can't you

 

but you know, i know that's false

 

breath

 

She breathes heavily, how can she not?

Her eyes are squeezed shut, handfuls of sheets engulf her upper body.

She just breathes, and he likes that. He doesn’t like the words, but just the sound of her taking in air through her lungs makes him go crazy.

He doesn’t like her verbal voice, but only the voice of her body..

And she doesn’t mind, she’s taking that. If that’s all he wants to give, she’ll take that with gratitude.

That’s what he likes, and she knows it.

He wants only a toy, which he can pick up when he wants to and throw away when he’s finished. And that’s what she is to him.

But, because it’s him, she’ll breathe for him. As much as he wants her to.

She doesn’t like being so called a toy, but.. She knows that’s all she’ll ever be to him anymore.

She opens her piercing eyes to see him working his magic upon her slim body.

He arises and stands upon her. She looks up and smiles, and that sparkle of gratitude fills her eyes.

He hates it.

She tries to speak but is interrupted with the working of this boy’s phalanges of one finger upon her mouth.

She takes in the tastes and scents of his sweet body.

She’s in love, but does he know that?

future

 

Her hands said she was a lady

Her fingers were painted maroon just like all the other girls

She wore rings on almost all of her fingers, to show off her bling

Her fingernails were nurtured, trimmed, kept clean

 

Her body said woman

Her hips were out, she had a hourglass shaped body

Plump breasts, out of this world ass…

As she was told anyway

 

Her face told us she was a lady

Her eyes, especially

Her long luscious eyelashes

And the twinkle that always sparkled

 

In her mind she actually thought boy

Man, is what she was

Is it true?

She doesn’t look like one

 

She doesn’t look like one

Or act like one

Think like one, she didn’t think

She never even thought about it

 

Until now

 

Is she a boy?

Is she a girl?

What is it

What is she

 

It’s something she can’t answer for herself

But neither can anyone else

She’s on her own for this one

Is it a decision to change? Or is it fate?

verbatim

 

Tell me what's on your mind verbatim

 

Line for line

Thought for thought

Tell me everything

 

Secrets

Lovers

Emptiness

 

Tell me what's on your mind verbatim

 

Family

Friends

Unexpectedness

 

Tell me what’s on your mind verbatim

 

Suicide

Alcoholism

Therapy

 

Tell me what’s on your mind verbatim

 

Instrumentals

School

Window screens

 

Tell me what’s on your mind verbatim

 

Sex

Money

Baked nights

 

Tell me what’s on your mind verbatim

 

Complete

thunder

 

A broken window screen

 

Just one night?

 

Could you tell me you love me

 

False accusations

 

Slow dance with me in the dark

 

Cigarettes and daisies

 

The sun must be a devil

 

Suicide is an option

 

How many kids do you want?

 

Inappropriate relationships

 

Can’t you see?

 

Give me your hand

 

J.r. slides

 

Sex at 4 a.m.

 

I don’t wanna go home

 

One night..

cigarettes and daisies

 

Cigarettes and daisies, a familiar scent when her being arrives.

It’s the same constantly, it never seems to change. It’s obvious when she’s current.

Her scent of cigarettes and daisies seemed to be embedded in his nose.

His lips graced her skin, and all he smelt was daisies. Once toward her lips, cigarette.

Do you think he ignored the cigarette for her daisies?

Pale fingers hovered above her lace trim.

The scent of daisies lingered.

The cigarette smell resided in her clothes. It was there reportedly throughout the removal.

Once she was bare, the only scent present was the daisies.

Do you think that’s why he removes her lace?

The answer is simply yes.

The daisy scent and her bare being is what the man desires.

It is however to her. She doesn’t want to just give him her daisies but instead wants him to experience the cigarettes too.

she

 

They lie in bed, relaxing and cooling down from the connection that just came between them.

She stared at him in awe, thinking that she was so very in love with this man.

He stared back, something else crossing his mind.

She sensed it dearly, an empty feeling bellowed in her stomach.

He looked at her with pleading eyes and told her that there was another.

Another woman who held his heart in her hand.

Another one who had him.

She assumed there was disloyalty, him cheating on her with this other.

But it wasn’t that.

No cheating involved, he claimed he hasn’t seen her in close to a year now.

She didn’t believe him, she still thought disloyal, he continued to explain to her.

He liked this woman, for years, but his chance to obtain her heart back was missed by his own stupidity.

He explained that it was his biggest regret, and that he still continues to regret it.

Her eyes welled with tears with each word spoken, her heart which she had given him was now crushed into pieces.

He felt ashamed and dishonored, he said.

She didn’t care at that point.

She told him to leave, he tried to keep talking but her ears refused to listen.

She didn’t want to be with someone who looks at her and thinks of someone else.

Would you blame her?

He left her alone, he left the house half dressed. She wasn’t sure if he drove home or stuck around for a while, but he wasn’t between these four walls anymore with her presence.

She was alone, by herself, with these thoughts of this other woman.

Heartbroken along with anger, she decided she would take shots for herself and get totally and utterly wasted.

She thought it was probably a bad idea, but, like before no care was shown.

She took shot after shot until she was up to 23.

She stopped and laid down on the bed that was so very comfortable 40 minutes ago, now it felt empty and used.

Just like her.

She laid there thinking about what she should do next.

Her thought: sleep.

Before her eyes closed for a nights of drunken slumber, her phone dinged.

She limply reached for her phone and switched it on to reveal his name, asking her to talk.

She replied with not right now and left it at that.

She closed her eyes, and tears fell from them. She decided it wasn’t worth it and slept peacefully.

Once it was morning, she awoke and immediately he came to mind.

She switched on her phone, and he had texted during the night and morning.

He told her that he meant to tell her, but he didn’t exactly know how he would tell her something that personal and shameful.

He said that his feelings towards this woman were dormant, nothing more than what it was but still there.

They exist, they still do. And it was existing during her whole relationship with him.

Out of panic she assumed, he told her that he very much liked her and only thought about her anymore.

That was just it.

The morning texts remained different, he didn’t say goodnight nor good morning, all it appeared to be was a “I’m sorry”.

The words felt empty to her, he didn’t mean them.

She lied and said it was okay.

And he told her that he isn’t sure if they should see each other any longer.

She explained to him that what he said meant nothing to her as long as she was the only one.

She said that if it’s just her, she doesn’t care. Meaning she didn’t want to hear about other women.

Solemnly, an okay was his response.

She plainly said it’s okay once again and he replied with doubtfulness.

He didn’t believe her, and he was smart not to because her anger for him burned strongly.

She reassured him it was, and that she would prove it by not treating him like a vandal.

All he said was okay, once again and the conversation was left there.

Her heart hurt, and so did her head… hangover.

She didn’t cry again but instead moved on with her life. She took a shower to wash away dried tears and thoughts.

She settled down in that bed with her laptop in hand and began to type.

Her feelings, her words onto a document.

Only her words could depict how she really felt, the stabbing in her chest while he told her the story of his first love and how he’s never gotten over it.

It hurt her, and she knows it certainly hurt him.

She bets he regrets telling her, wanting to keep it hidden away in the back of his mind so she cannot hear nor see this kind of secret he holds.

Part of her was glad he told her, only to know he trusted her, she guessed.

But that doesn’t change the hurt that was given off.

Her heart was still shattered and he still felt very much ashamed.

And that’s the way it will probably remain, until they can both just forget about it.

Is that possible?

No answer can be given at this time, considering it was a recent event.

Will she be able to forget this other that beholds his heart instead of her?

Doubtful.

Only time will tell now.

past

 

Constantly climbing a hill, constantly coming across problems that my mind creates.

Can you love that?

Marks that have been left on my skin, the marks you witnessed, from past ‘lovers’ who decided to take my fragile state to their advantage.

The poisoning I did to my body, the drugs and alcohol exposure.

My little sister trying to commit suicide, the blame, the problems that arose from it.

It’s all my fault, don’t you know that?

I don’t like to make excuses but… it has done things to me. Things you cannot possibly understand by the simple fact you never had to go through that.

Can you love that?

Despite my past?

Despite anything?

That’s what a love, a marriage, a life is all about anyway, right?

I still love you, despite anything you have ever told me.

I look to the better of you, the positive, the things that make you, you.

I love you!

Can you love me?

Love me, pick me, choose me.

I want to be your one and only.

I want you to be my last and only.

Please.

obvious

 

This continues and there’s no reason for it.

Have you not let go? Proof is there, you haven’t.

It’s been made very clear that you are not important, not anymore.

One point, you were my best friend, but it changed when you became less than that.

It wasn’t the feelings that were changing, it was you.

 

The word useless was just used out of anger, hopefully that is known.

Yet any other word that would be used to describe you isn’t much better than useless.

Did it hurt you? Proof is there, it did.

That wasn’t the intention but at the same time, how else can anything get through your mind without a little aggression?

It can’t, that’s the point.

 

Hypocrite was also used, you say answers should be obvious, is it not here?

That answer is an obvious no considering you asked many times, how?

Answers could be given willingly if you were ever willing to listen.

 

Caring, something that you could never qualify for.

Certainly, it didn’t go both ways, but the question is when did you know it stopped?

Obvious answer, it’s been a while.

 

The subject of care, was it asked of you? Nah.

Was it asked that you still do? Nah, but obviously you do since this is still ongoing.

Nothing is expected, the specific names used, they were used for a reason.

 

Cherishing memories, something performed often too.

Faded, they did because of the person you became for me.

They will stay in the back of the mind considering you are nothing BUT a memory.

 

Go ahead, leave, the door has been wide open for many months now.

Dearly, you were cared for at a point, but also at a point things stop, that obviously did.

Guess you’ll never know? Guess you do know now.

 

Someone has replaced you, more so has been here before you arrived.

Clearly, you were jealous of that fact on occasion, it was certainly funny.

Secrets weren’t shared based off of you not being trustworthy or caring of them.

Simple as that, it was never proven that you could be, so sorry, love, but you’re not it, you never were.

 

Does this satisfy you?

Does this work as your obvious answers?

Hopefully it suffixes and doesn’t go any longer, obviously it’s gone long enough.

 

“I’m sorry love.”

“But I can’t continue with you.”

“Sincerely, your ex-best friend.”

hypocrisy

 

If you had ever let go, why do you still write about me?

Why does scraps and implements of my being still used in your complicated and wrong symphonies?

Obvious answer, you’re holding on and doing the absolute opposite of letting go.

 

Good luck with this “better” one if you could ever tell him anything that you’re actually feeling.

With current knowledge, that was a difficulty for both of you, how’s that going?

Not that you would care to tell me anyway, because oh right… You let go.

 

Hypocrite, I do indeed have the right to name you this, because it is certainly true.

Did you actually have to look up the definition to prove your point instead of using your own brain? Not a surprise.

Synonym for you, deleterious. Look that up too why don’t you?

 

Deceitful is a perfect name, you don’t deceive people?

Answer me this, why did you act as if you were a companion when you were really just toxic?

In the end, I am completely convinced you just didn’t want to be alone, personal advantage I’d say.

Deceitful, you are.

 

Indeed it is nice to think of one’s self, we all have to when it comes to literally every decision in our life. That’s pretty obvious I’d say, but thank you for pointing it out anyway.

In reality, you would know for sure.

Considering I left without even thinking of you at all, only me, myself and I. First hand experience, yay you!

Thinking of one’s self is always good, don’t you know that already?

Or are you going to continue thinking of everyone else around you because you’re afraid of losing anyone else?

 

Useless was used sparingly, and so righteously. It was correct and oh so true.

Useless is not something to describe me however, if you say you cherish our precious memories so dearly, reminisce on all those late night, all those boyfriends thousands of miles away, your family. Just remember for a second.

All these idiotic acts you were committing, asking for help and not taking it - my reasoning on why I always got aggressive with you.

Obviously it took a bit of a word beating to knock even a tiny bit of sense into you - hence on why I stopped caring.

 

Now please, read over my words and take them in willingly. Think about yourself and the person you were to me and the person you will be for more to come.

For my sake, hopefully no one will dare, but not everyone is that bright.

Certainly I wasn’t, I was blinded by the friendship just like infatuation clouds up the red flags in people.

But at least I am gone now, I can always be said bright for realizing the ugly truth.

 

Have I proved my point yet?

Is this enough for you to hush your mouth?

I never got the chance to speak my mind before you decided to run away, so here you go.

If you ever need more explaining in simpler terms, please, let me know. More than happy to provide new words.

 

It’ll only get worse from here.

I suggest you really let go now.

Goodbye again?

I hope.

bff

 

Holding hands, skipping, laughing, jokes…

The nice and tender things that were always existing between them.

Nothing serious or dull, just plain warmth between their fingertips with their hands in a lock.

They were best friends.

At times, it certainly didn’t feel that way.

Of course, fights arrived between their heads, but the question is, did they make it through?

In most cases, yes, the fight ended with apologies and the hand holding continued.

 

Morning hugs is what she looked forward to the most. The gloomy mornings, dragging her tired body out of bed to make it to school barely on time.

Only to find her best friend waiting for her in the hallway to give her a big hug good morning.

 

Problems arose however, the stupidity grew greater within her friend. The more she tried to talk, the less her friend listened.

Aggressiveness flew over her body as she tried to prevent possible hurt and scenarios for her friend, but all her friend got was a little butt hurt.

That wasn’t the intention of course, and she would always point that out along with an apology.

But it was really the only thing to get her friend to listen to her, otherwise what else is she supposed to do?

 

She doesn’t like to sit back with some popcorn and watch the ending as all the wreckage takes its place.

It was her friend after all, friends don’t do that to each other.

 

In the end, she made her distance from her friend greater and greater until her friend got fed up with it.

Her friend expressed the fact that she doesn’t talk to them anymore. At points they expressed that she never told them secrets that were brought up at a point.

Only because she felt they wouldn’t be safe.

She knew her friend was a box, but is there a lock?

 

Her mouth was glued shut, and the distance only went from there.

Soon enough she left altogether, not to be seen by her friend or anyone else again.

Not that she cared, she didn’t think her friend or anyone else would either.

 

Turns out she was completely right.

It doesn’t really hurt however, but at the same time.

During all that time she believed that those people were her best friends and that they would be sticking around for a while.

But things never go to plan, things always change.

That certainly did.

 

Plans, futures, and memories went down the drain along with all her respect for anyone she ever knew.

So long partner.

Good luck.

She wishes you the best, but she never wants to hear about it.

happy birthday

 

She lies in bed in the morning of February 25th.

The first thing that crosses her mind certainly isn’t him, but, sooner or later it dawns on her that it’s his birthday.

Not that she should care or anything, they’re apart and their love no longer exists.

After some day time activities is when it hits, he’s 20 years old now.

The memories flood in, when he was just 16 and they were so very in love with each other.

The plans, the future, the house, locations… it all comes back.

She remembers she doesn’t love him anymore, and there’s reasoning behind it.

That’s when the memories of what drove them apart come through.

The unfaithfulness, the pain, the lack of love.

She only smiles at what she likes to remember, because they were certainly good times for her.

But this year when it’s her birthday, she’ll expect him to do the very thing she did.

Except only miss what he’s lost, and only remember the things she gained.

She lives on life without him, occasionally thinking about how life is going for him, if he’s found someone who could also deal with his games.

But then she thinks, what if he’s changed?

She rolls her eyes at such a stupid thought, and disregards it completely.

No one like that could ever change.

She stuck around for him to try and make it work, but did it?

It did not, and that’s when she decided enough was enough.

They parted ways, but he never let go.

Texts were sent but she never even read them.

She’s moved on, why couldn’t he?

 

But now here we are.

Occasional thoughts cross her mind about him.

Never will she think about loving him again.

forget

 

I can always forget, forgive, hate, love.

We’re all capable of it, it’s just what we decide to do.

There are some people I’ve encountered that I would simply like to forget.

Others I choose to hate because of the pain that arose.

I can forgive, but probably leave them on hold.

Loving, is what I’d prefer to do.

But some people you just can’t love. And you are one of them.

I’m convinced no one could love you, you’ll fuck it up at some point.

So why do you keep trying?

carousel

Continuous, this pointless circle.

It goes around and around just like a carousel, and I want to get off.

This never-ending carousel only continues due to words needing to be said.

 

When you were a kid, you wanted to ride the carousel over and over again, like how it spins around.

At first it’s fun, new, delightful.

But after a while, the spinning gets old.

 

The same scenes pass you by, after each full spin.

Over and over again, the same spin, the same scenes, the only thing that changes is how you feel.

You feel sick, tired, you just want to get off.

 

Once you get off, you leave and forget about it.

Hopefully to find a new ride that will make you excited and happy unlike the one you just got off.

It’s kind of silly, because that’s just a child for you.

 

But also like you, you are a child, you are like a carousel.

 

Do I even need to explain? I feel like I do, just like the carousel concept to help you understand something for once.

 

All you did was make me sick, that spinning, all the same things happening over and over again.

The whining, just like a child, when things didn’t turn out the way it should, only because you kept doing the same thing over and over again instead of something new.

 

Everything was spinning.

Too much of that spinning will make one dizzy, which is why I fell off.

And only watched you as you spun out of control.

 

Do you think I tried to help put you back on track, on that normal spinning motion?

No, due to it being your normal track, where everything would just circle around again.

I didn’t want to do it, I wanted off.

And now I am.

 

Spin out of control, do damage, fuck up everything as you please.

Do that, or fix everything yourself instead of trying to blame me for not trying to.

It’s not my job, and never was.

 

Get over yourself already.

 

suffocate

 

A weight has been lifted from her chest.

She could already breathe easier, freeer, nicer.

The rush of fresh air from the outside entering her lungs to fill them with delight and necessary living aspects.

She could breathe just fine before, but it never felt like a full breath was taken in each and every time.

 

There was a weight, sitting on her chest preventing more.

It blocked her and only pushed harder to suffocate her.

That’s how you felt for her.

 

Now that she’s gone, she can breathe so much better.

Without being pushed, without being suffocated.

It’s much easier now.

 

She’s glad she’s gone.

She’s glad she made the decisions she did.

She’s glad she said the things she happened to say.

sticks & stones

 

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

 

Tell me some more how words can’t hurt you.

Do they not stay in the back of your head?

It’s like watching a cartoon character run in place.

 

Words mean everything, considering they have specific meanings.

They mean something, everything.

Individual words will come together to create a sentence, that has a bigger meaning than the words by themselves.

In all reality, every word means something, but tell yourself what you need to, to decrease the pain.

 

It’s not a good idea to start something you can’t finish.

Which is exactly what you did.

Little words sprawled out over an empty picture, about me it is.

Only there, in a place where it is safe from my eyes, but not the worlds.

Which was your intention correct?

 

They ask so you can trash my name.

Before you do that, let me drag yours through the mud.

Your own words seemed to only bite you right back in the ass, funny, huh?.

 

Go on though, believe what you need to after reading my meanings of you.

Keep believing my words can’t hurt you. Even though you make it painfully obvious they do.

Just do whatever to help your pathetic existence sleep better at night.

 

Stop, is what you say, but is it what you do yourself?

Still ongoing, on both ends, and only one is holding their’s up.

Pick up the slack, you’re falling behind.

 

You’re welcome, once again.

For giving you words of my wisdom about your existence.

I hope they delight you, help you understand something maybe for once.

 

I don’t think you even read my words to the full extent.

Considering we’re still here and all.

I feel like you cherry pick the words you want to talk back at, but never the full paper.

Learn to change that, because you’ll never get anywhere like this.

Change your approach as well.

Hiding behind a block button doesn’t make you seem very serious.

 

But anyway.

Hope this helps you somehow.

Whether it helps you move on, or just get angrier at nothing, it’ll help with something.

 

Good luck with this one,

love.

paint yourself

 

Paint a picture of yourself. What do you see?

Something ugly? Pretty? Mortifying?

Tell me what you see.

 

Days when you can’t look at yourself in the mirror, in fear of seeing your face.

Only because it’s something you despise.

Not due to it being your face, just the person that wears this face.

 

Can’t help the feelings, they’re there and they are here to stay.

They reside inside my brain, they live in a cozy house and sit by the fire on a winter night.

Only for the fire to roar and engulf the house they’re supposed to sleep in safely at night.

 

Writing stories, of fictional characters.

About a love you’ve never felt, only to imagine the feelings they’re feeling.

Making up whatever tragedy or happily ever after their fate is.

 

Their fate is in your hands.

 

Reading, reading, reading.

Stories about self inflicted disasters, only to read the pain of others.

Hopefully to help you feel better about your own.

 

Overwhelming, what anything is anymore.

Take it as you will, just try not to be alone.

The loneliness will break you.

 

Paint something, of yourself.

A picture, a portrait, a memory.

Something beautiful.

 

None of these tragedies are ever beautiful.

They’re sad, heartbreaking, they suck.

Why does all this stuff happen?

 

Paint yourself.

Tell me what you see.

Do you see something beautiful?

talk n text

 

Do not ever underestimate me.

I will say things that will burn a hole in your heart.

Certainly, I think it’s been done already.

 

Why did you lie to yourself?

Saying you don’t care and all these hideous things, and turn around and not mean any of them?

It’s now the opposite and I’m not sure which words to believe.

 

Be clear, because I was.

 

Do I hate you?

No, hate is too strong.

Hateful, is not what I am.

 

Just honest.

 

I express my feelings and emotions in sentences like this.

Do you understand that?

Never was hate expressed, just great anger because of your being.

 

You don’t know how I would react?

I can tell you since you’ve made it clear you miss me.

Simply, a response would be granted.

 

I’m not cold.

I know how those feelings feel.

Don’t you think I’d want to help if you needed it?

 

In other words.

Try not to fuck with me again.

Would appreciate the not needed anger.

 

Go ahead, text me.

If you please, if you really miss me.

Tell me about all the things that are bothering you.

 

I’m here.

Probably always will be.

Anger passes but never love.

 

Remember that.

stay in place

 

Things said can’t be taken back.

But the words can be forgiven.

 

They are memories but just like memories, they will be remembered.

However, the both of us said things.

 

All we can do is forgive each other for the things we said.

Talk it through, make sure the different words said are noted.

 

All I ever asked was for you to listen to me.

Granted, not every piece of advice I give will work but it’s worth a try.

 

I only ask you to try because I’ve been through what you have.

Wouldn’t you consider me an expert?

 

Never did I want to see you hurt or sad.

But what was I going to do?

 

I can sit here now and say I’m sorry.

But the words I said were only stated for reasons.

 

We should discuss it.

Talk it through.

 

Did you mean your words?

From my own personal perspective I’m thinking no…

 

Either way.

We can forgive.

 

Those words will stay in place, they shall not move.

But love is far more powerful than a couple of words.

 

If this friendship continues, soon the words will be forgotten.

They won’t stay in place forever.

cold

 

Your hands are like ice, sending chills with every touch of your fingertips. 

When you touched my heart, nothing could burn out the fire that roared for you. 

Until slowly, little at a time, you began to wrap your fingers around it, freezing it entirely. 

You made me cold.

I’ve never burned for anyone so hard before, not for so long. 

You never did me wrong until the end of this last summer together. 

Something changed, it was like your entire body was engulfed by the cold.

Nothing mattered, not even me. 

It didn’t matter to you how many parts of my heart you began to freeze, it was like a game to you. 

I let you break all of me. 

I thought it was a phase, that we could do it. 

But… My heart was already dominated. 

Every single day, you broke more and more pieces off until there was nothing left to break. 

I don’t think you care, I don’t think you did at all. 

It’s over. 

We’re done. 

I need to let my heart heal. 

And you need to set yours on fire.

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 12.10.2018

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