June 7, 2017. Wednesday 4:54 p.m.

This is my first page in this thing. Heh, I'm not really sure what to write at the moment. All I know if that I'm supposed to write what I'm thinking. I'm not sure exactly. My mind is kind of empty right now, I just don't know what to think. I can't force myself. So I guess I'll talk about how I'm feeling today.

I'm feeling quite sick, lonely. I'm real tired, I woke up at noon today, which is two hours earlier than I usually wake. I don't know what to do with my life, since I have all this free time I keep thinking about what I should do and I just don't know. There's nothing really to do that could make me feel like I'm doing something good. But is it just me? 

I'm having quite a few problems with some friends and fuckboys. Hah, I got like three of them. Does that make me a whore? Or just a bad person? Oh well though right? Who cares anyway, certainly not me. 

To be honest if I were just some random stranger reading this, you'd expect the person to be happy when they thought of this idea and throughout the book they gradually go insane. Not with mine, not with this one. I'm starting out insane. Let's see if it gets better or if I'm actually on the verge of falling. 

Let's just sit back and see. 

 

 

End, day one. June 7, 2017. Wednesday, 4:58 p.m. 

June 9, 2017. Friday 4:23 p.m.

 I woke up two hours ago and stayed in bed for another hour. I'm just now getting up. 

Everyone's real pissed at me, I don't want to share why but... I'm not too happy with myself. They wanted answers that they couldn't get. I really don't know. Past few.. weeks, not days, have been rough. I haven't been feeling like myself and I'm going insane. But, oh well right? The point was to make it so you won't do it again, but what it actually feels like is... to make you feel as bad about it as possible. Why yell when you can be calm? Why be calm when you can just not do anything at all? Because you feel, you feel for that person. You care, you love them. But... Why would you make someone you love feel bad about themself? 

June 13, 2017. Tuesday 3:32 p.m.

I've been a little emotional lately, I think it's for a... quite childish reason. I haven't been working on my books because I'm a nub and when something's wrong I don't want to do anything. Is it just me or is it that way for everyone? I started talking to an ex of mine, Logan Cantrell. He seemed to not be okay, so I decided to check in and that was sure a mistake. I'm getting attached again, and... I know he's not into me, but I keep putting feelings for him that aren't even there. I miss him, but I don't. I'd like to believe I only miss the idea of him, but what do I know for sure these days? 

My birthday is coming up in 13 days, I'm pretty... Not excited but like something next to that. I'm going to go shopping with my older sister, we don't spend much time together anymore so it'd be nice. I miss her. She's one of my best friends, we text all the time but that's it. 

I feel an emotional little bitch talking about my silly problems. You're talking to your ex, and you might still be in love with him, oh boohoo get over yourself. But I mean, it's not all that childish considering the problems that are occurring with me and my head. I think it's just me, this literally happens to no one. There must be something wrong, but I don't believe so. I feel like it's just me being... me. What am I saying? 

 

June 17, 2017. Friday 1:04 a.m.

 I don't know, I felt like I should write today. 

I'm not sure what to say or what to tell you. I don't feel real great today, there's that. I'm not feeling much of anything. Not emotional, not angry, not unhappy. I'm kind of hoping this is the end of my *episode* and that everything will be okay tomorrow. Surely, I'll feel happy again. 

I'm going to rant about something, it might be quite stupid but... I don't know if I've said this before but.. You remember how I've been talking to my ex Logan right? And that.. I keep putting feelings there that don't exist. Yes? I just have to keep reminding myself that he doesn't care. He doesn't make time for me anymore, he doesn't want to talk to me everyday, he doesn't want to... He doesn't care, ya know? But... I just realized that. I had to, sometime didn't I? He doesn't care for me but I care for him. So much actually, it's kinda funny at this point. He's not mine and I'm not his. Why do I keep hanging on to it? I really don't know. 

Now that I think about this book idea, I find it kind of funny. Why did I decide to do this? So you guys can see how childish my problems are. 

I find this idea to be irrelevant now, but I still feel like I should because... I don't know, I'll probably want to do it tomorrow. It's just how my head thinks. One day I'll care about someone's opinion like my life depends on it, then maybe a day later or a couple I'll sit there and think nothing of it, like it means absolutely nothing to me. I don't know if we're all like this but I sure am and I don't seem to like that about myself very much. It's hard for myself to understand, and for my... state, to handle. 

I just realized I've only been writing on the days I'm sad or don't know anymore. I haven't actually written one about me being happy yet? 

Well let me tell you, no need to worry. I've been pretty okay past few days. I've hung out with my very best friend and it was real nice to see her again. I think her sister might be a homophobe though, which is not so great. But oh well right? Anyway...

I don't know, haha. 

 

 

Day 4, end. 1:22 a.m. Friday June 17, 2017. 

June 21, 2017. Wednesday 8:38 p.m.

 Today was kind of a sucky day, but it's ending quite better than I expected it to. My very best friend is going to St. Louis for two weeks so I won't be seeing her face around, but we hung out today for my birthday. It's next week, monday. It doesn't quite matter much, I know, but oh well. Another year older. 

It's ending well. I'm happy right now. I don't have much to complain about due to it.

I just hope you all have/had a lovely day too. 

June 22, 2017. Thursday 2:27 p.m.

 I woke up about an hour and my day has been pretty slow so far! But dinner is being made right now, as I am working on my book once again. I've got my shit together finally! Don't know what went so wrong for a while there, haha. But anyway, right now at this moment I'm writing in here being a basic bitch listening to Justin Bieber. A few minutes ago before I decided it was time for a little update, I was working on the new book I was working on. I'm almost done with it so hopefully I'll get around to publishing it soon. :) 

Okay, I changed it, I'm listening to Shawn Mendes now. 

My favorite song from him is Strings, I love it. 

I'm quite happy today, and tired. I stayed up pretty late last night texting multiple people at the same time because THEY ALL HAD TO TALK TO ME. But yeye, I mean it's coolio just I was half asleep texting three people at the same time haha. 

I'm not sure what else to say because my life hasn't been all that interesting lately? Just me staying up real late at night and waking late in the afternoon (because as you read earlier I woke up when dinner is being made :l) 

but yeye. 

I hope you all have a lovely day. :) 

June 30, 2017. Friday 1:56 p.m.

 I just woke up, I was up till at least six in the morning last night. I'm feeling a little droozy, I feel like I need to try and find some way to get my sleep schedule back on schedule before the end of July. 

I recently had to change everything to a different email address because I pissed of a few hacker friends of mine, and I don't want to get fucked so uhm yeah. I changed that and that's what I've been doing all afternoon yesterday, I had to change everything before anyone could do anything, which I'm glad I thought about it so at least now I'm prepared. The only thing I didn't change was Skype but I don't use it much anyway, so I'll just leave it. Plus who would fuck with someone's skype? All I have on there are a couple fuckboys and like three friends. Anyway..

I'm quite worried about something but I'm not sure if I want to share it on here or not but let's say something is five days late and I'm so worried lol. But then again my Calender isn't always right but... It's been 35 days since my last one so I think I'm fucked. I even fucking asked the last guy I fucked if he came because I was worried. He said he didn't, which was kind of a relief but then he started throwing facts at me, like why are you doing that? It made me worry so yeah I'm just freaking out. Hopefully my body is just being a giant dick to me. The one time I want to bleed from my vagina, god. 

Oh! My friend Cierra has decided to not be a sensitive cunt anymore. I texted her a few days ago asking if she hates me because she sure acted like she did (and over that too, :/). She said she didn't but explained why she was mad, and right before it she said "I'm not trying to sound like a bitch or mean or anything but..." then went on to say all these rude things. but yeah I kind of get it why she's mad, she said I had been acting kind of different and she assumed I was because of Logan. I hadn't talked to him for almost two weeks when we started texting again, so like no? Plus he's not where he usually lives right now, he's living with someone else for a while. I assume for the whole summer, which kinda bums me considering I wanted to hang out. But then again when I think about it, why would I want to hang out with him? Because he's funny and he's got great memes. I need too stop, sorry. 

This was a long ass chapter compared to the other ones. I'm sorry for my ranting! I just got a lot of stuff on my plate and it's always nice to get it out. Don't keep things inside! Eventually you'll break anyway and everything will come out. Okay, have a great you guys. :) 

July 5, 2017. Wednesday 11:20 p.m.

 I have been in a great mood all day, I've been motivated and energetic to do activities all day but I'm hella sore from the last two days, I couldn't move! Monday, I went to the public pool we have here with a friend, I had to walk across town to her house and then walk from the pool back to my house so I was already sore to begin with. And I spent the fourth with the fam and a bunch of friends so I was up on my feet for the whole day, so I am just plain sore. But I'm not sore enough to keep from writing so here I am! 

Happy late fourth to all! If you live in America, sorry it was so late. I got home around 1 a.m. and I dropped, I was so tired, I basically passed out! And don't tell anyone, but I might've had a few drinks! But yeah, that was my fourth. We lighted off a shit ton of fireworks, we went to battlefield too to watch their firework show and it was kinda weird. I think that they accidentally set off their finale first and went backwards. I mean, it was still great it was just a little weird, but anyway. 

I hope you all had a great fourth (if you live in America) and I still hope you have a great night. :)

July 20, 2017. Thursday 8:58 p.m.

 Hello, uh haha, i haven't wrote in this thing in forever, but I mean I shouldn't have to update it every single two seconds. Uh, nothing's really going on. I mean a lot of stuff is happening and I've been busy that's why I haven't been on but, like nothing's wrong as I should say. One of my closest friends, Ryan, yesterday he confessed his love for me and I really don't feel the same way. I've been friends with him for like four years, I've always thought of him as the brother I never had, so uh? Haha, this is funny, I told my friend Cierra that and so she told me to tell him I'm a lesbian and that I'm dating her. I thought it would be funny, but me being me to the sweetheart Ryan is I wasn't going to be an asshole to him. He's a good guy yes, but I wouldn't date him. Uhm, I don't think I'll write another one until maybe a week or two has passed so stay tuned, haha. I'm going to have a even busier week this week and possibly the start of the one after. 

Well I'm emotionally stable at the moment so there's much to complain about, I might just go on a full rant and tell you all the crappy things that have happened, or just plain... idiotic. 

So I have this friend Lakeira, I'm not sure if I've talked about her in other entry's but here she is. She's been my friend forrr.... 7 years. Yeah, seven. And so she told me like a week ago that she got a new boyfriend, I was happy for her yes, but then I asked who it was. She told me his name is Caleb. She added that he found her on Facebook and said he liked her and she said, and I quote, "alright let's try you then". Because before him she's had *troubles* with two guys, Logan and Matthew. It was ridiculous and really idiotic in my opinion. It was just barbaric, like I didn't even know why it was happening, it all could have been prevented. But she told me that and I was like okay? cool? I guess? Yay? and then afterwards she went to try and convince that he wasn't like Matthew or Logan at all and that he's really sweet to her and blah blah basically telling me he's the opposite of everything that Logan and Matthew are. So I just said okay, great for you. Because honestly, I really didn't care. Her and boyfriends don't mix, there's always a lot of drama that goes on, for no reason too. But uh, haha, yesterday he broke up with her because he said "he wasn't ready for a relationship and that he needs time". She was all sad but like, why the fuck did he get in a relationship with you in the first place? Like why??? I'd that like to be explained. 

But yeah that happened yesterday. I don't know if I should rant on about how Ryan confessed his love or not. Eh, sure I will, but if you don't want to read it then sure, but I find the whole thing hilarious. 

So my friend Ryan, I've been friends with him for four years, all I have ever seen of him is he's always so happy and nice. Well lately, he's been a little too nice. He's been trying to flirt with me, but I've been shooting him down haha. But uh, I started to think he started to like me, so I kinda just tried to keep a low profile. And so yesterday we were joking about uncle memes, heh. And I said "I can't wait for the next meme when ur face is on it". and so afterwards I thought that was TOO offensive so I said jkjk I'm sorry. He said "it's okay, I still love you". and I just kind of

w h a t

And so I sent him a picture with the words "did you mean it when you said you loved me" scattered around. And I hoped he hadn't read it, but he said, yeah I did. So I just 

o k a y  n o p e

And so I started sending memes because I really didn't know what to do, I was kind of confused and like whaaaat. But yeah. 

Then a later little I had asked him, "were you serious serious?" and he said, if I didn't mean it I wouldn't have said it. AND I FREAKED. I stopped texting him and started texting Cierra and thats when she threw out the idea of me telling him I'm a lesbian. 

But I didn't, I'm just texting him like I normally would. But yeah that happened and I'm still shook. 

I also read the new chapter for Killing Stalking today and that has me shookith too. The copper whose name I can't remember how to spell is fucking lakjfklsdjf in this chapter. 

d a d  m a t e r i a l 

He's so hot, and he's getting so close to busting Sangwoo's ass, like...

I want Sangwoo to go to jail yes, he needs to pay for his crimes, but at the same time, he's been kind of a sweetheart to Bummy <3 lately and it's just skljfklasdjf. Plus Bum might go crazy if Sangwoo gets arrested, and possibly Sangwoo might say something and tell them Bum killed someone too and they'll both be anally pounded for life. I mean, oh... But then again Bum was kind of forced to kill her, wasn't he? Yes and no... But I don't think that could affect much. I don't even know man, I'm just going on a rant about the possible events and outcomes to this. I can't even, Koogi's fucking with us. I DON'T WANT IT TO END BUT I WANT TO KNOW THE ENDING SO BAAAD. but yeah, you guys should check that out. 

I can give you a summary off the top of my head if you're curious. 

It's basically about this guy Yoonbum who has a crush on this other guy Oh Sangwoo, and Yoonbum's crush got a little out of hand and he broke into his house when Sangwoo was out somewhere. And basically Yoonbum finds out Sangwoo isn't the Sangwoo that Yoonbum has limitedly seen, and that he's something completely different and so many fucked up things happened. After that specific event, it's just the story of an abusive relationship (like really abusive, you'll see why >.>). There are parts from time to time where it cuts to a police station and like it shows cops trying to figure out where all these people have been going, you know like who murdered them. And the copper I was talking about earlier, he is trying to figure this out and doing more things secretly than the other cops. And in this chapter, I think he got fired or something for how much crap he's been putting the others in but he's still trying to get dirt on Sangwoo. He talked to Yoonbum in a nasty bathroom, haha. But he was so gorgeous in this chapter.

But yeah basically that's that, if you're interested just look up Killing Stalking Chapters or some shit, okay you know how to google. Uhm...

I'm not real sure what else to rant about, I'm sure I've already said enough already and your eyes probably hurt. 

If I have something to rant about I'll procrastinate writing about it, or I'll just forget it. Or thinks it's really stupid and just not do anything. 

But yeah, thank you for reading this hella long chapter, I hope you all have a lovely day. :) Stay tuned for more! Hopefully I'll be emotionally unstable so you guys can read something good. Anyway, have a great night! 

August 13, 2017. Sunday 12:24 p.m.

 Okay, I'm not gonna lie, I kind of forgot about this. Haha, I mean I have a good excuse, kinda. I'm back in school so I'm gonna be real busy. But I mean, it won't make much of a difference considering I don't update this book frequently anyway. But uhm I can share how my first day went down. 

Well I'll go ahead and say it sucked ass. First period was fine, I saw my friend Joey, aka Tiny Hitler, and he kept flirting with me, which boosted my mood up a bit. Second period I had my math class, and I legit had no friends in that class. There are a couple sophmores and I think ones a junior in that class. I sit next to one of the sophmores. I'm not gonna lie, he is pretty attractive but extremely awkward. He doesn't talk, which is appreciated but sometimes it'd be nice to make friends, ya know? Well okay, after that I had Health class. Like for food health and stuff. And I was like one of the four girls in that class. But uhm one of the older guys (couldn't figure out what grade he was in) was being really creepy. So we had to partner up yes? Because we were doing this little activity, well... He kept staring at me, the entire time. With a straight face but with a slight smile. His eyes told me that he thought I was pretty, which yes I am pretty but uhm... not that pretty. But he didn't look away at all and it was quite creepy so after class I kept my distance, haha. But uhm fourth hour, my Art Foundations class. (I need the credit to graduate) There is only like four freshmans in that class including me. The rest are seniors and a couple juniors. And the other freshmans there, I don't even like them. So it's either talk to the anti social senior kid, or try to make nice with the other freshmans. After that class I had physical science. This one was the worst, wanna know why? I don't think so but if anyone remembers an Andrew, I do not have a great histoty with him. Mostly because he got me in trouble with cops and I didn't appreciate any of it but yeah I don't have a great history with him. I've been avoiding him and luckily I didn't have classes with him the year before, but I have this one with him and even worse he sits in front of me. I can't even, I'd request to change seats but one I don't want to share why I can't work with him and two he said the first day that he's not changing the seats till the end of the his chapter. so haha fuck me. I just avoided making eye contact as much as possible. I mean right now it's okay, because all the teacher has been doing is talking and we haven't done anything group wise. The hard part will be when I have to talk to him because I can't just not talk to him when doing group, but I will avoid it as much as possible. But after that, we had lunch and I sat with my friend Hannah, she was the only good friend I had with that lunch, the others are just people I talk to at school. But that was fun, we talked and laughed the whole time. After that I had English and that one was fine because I sat next to my best friend Lakeira for half the hour and yes we got assigned seats but I got it with someone who I can stand so it's okay. After that I had physical education and it wasn't bad, or it won't be yet. All we did was go over the syllabus and sat there. Friday we went and picked out lockers. Monday is when we start. Monday is when we start everything. Oh I already have a project that I have to do, first hour, I don't think I mentioned what I had, I have American History and she wants us to make a pamphlet about ourselves. And how she said "About our Birth". Like I don't know anything, my parents fucked and nine months later there I was? Honestly I find it stupid but I mean I gotta do it. It's due friday, we only got one day in class to work on it. This teacher is really confusing about giving directions too. Like she'll say we have to do this and so I'll be like got it and do it right but then when I go show it to her she says I have to add this, this and this which she never mentioned before... That's how my history teacher was last year, Mr. Sikes. But anyway, that's basically how my first day went down. I was exhausted when I got home and I still had to do a bunch of chores because I'm the only child in this house that helps the fam. But anyway. I hope you didn't mind a rant chapter today? I'm not feeling much lately. Just tired basically. Not much of stress either, I don't really care to be honest. But uh yeah. Have a great day to all! I'll write again soon and tell you what's up. Stay tuned! :)

August 24, 2017. Thursday 7:12 p.m.

I don't think I should write today but I will because whatever. Anywho, I have got a new boyfriend but he's been being a little bitch, haha. Yesterday morning I wasn't really in the mood to talk, I was upset etc yeah and so I wasn't really talking to him much, and I let him know I wasn't really in the mood soooo, he hadn't talked to me for the rest of the day because of it. But then today, he has been all over me, he won't stop touching me blah blah blah. I'm not saying it's much of a problem it's just w h y.

but uhm, at the same time when I started dating this guy, my sister had gotten a boyfriend too. Well they broke up yesterday. She was bawling her eyes out for at least half an hour. It was a three day relationship and she hadn't talked to the boy at all prior to that. It's not her first relationship either, so in my opinion all of this was a little much. I don't usually talk about this but my friend that I have told says it's not good to keep these things inside so I'll just go ahead and say it.

She was saying how she wish her attempt of suicide worked and that she wanted to try again. I was sent screenshots from my best friend Lakeira of Samantha (my sister) saying these things. I was getting really concerned, but honestly in these kind of situations I am the worst person to turn to. I can't handle feelings too well, especially of other people considering I don't do well with my own! So uhm... I was talking to Lakeira trying to get Lakeira to help her. Well that's when Samantha's friend Ella had texted me saying these words: "GABBY! DON'T LET SAM GO TO THE BATHROOM! DON'T TELL YOUR PARENTS!" 

Well uhm.... One, when I read this Samantha was already in the bathroom, but I guess her "session" was interrupted with my dad yelling "what the hell is going on?" because you know my sister was bawling like crazy. Two, I was kind of thrown off with the "don't tell your parents" part... It kind of pissed me off if I'm being honest... It's like you're asking for a suicide note? But I was like Ella that's not a good thing to do you know, what if Andrew (her dumb ass brother) were to attempt that shit? Would you like it if I told you "don't tell your parents" if Andrew told me he was going to attempt again? But honestly, I feel like people who aren't family should stay out of these things and not try to handle it. Mostly because they can't really understand it, they don't have to live with that (as in my family living with Samantha being like this) and they don't really take it as personally... and yes I know friends mean the world to everyone but right now, she doesn't have to deal with it on the level that the rest of us do. But uhm, I honestly feel like keeping shut about things make things so much worse than they already do. Since the first attempt occurred, you'd think it'd make a family stronger? No, it did the opposite to mine. Mine is fucked up, no one is talking to each other, and it's still fucked! And I'm the only trying to talk, but you know I can't control everyone so they ignore me. :/ I don't know if any of this is making sense, sorry if it's getting hard to follow along, so much just happened last night it's frustrating. But I did tell my parents fyi. Before I went to bed last night I told my father I wanted to have a talk with him and mom without the other two. But then after I thought about it a bit, if I were to talk about this face to face, all you'd get out of me are a few squeaks here and there. I'm not good with feelings and talking, I just don't do it. That's why people don't know much personally about me. But anyway, i decided to write a note to them. Not only telling what's up with Samantha but also how I feel about stuff. But it seems like my parents only took out the parts about Samantha because... Like before they're treating her like a princess while letting her treat me like garbage. This has happened before so I'm not really surprised but I thought it was worse a shot, but obviously deep down I knew it wasn't going to work.

But yes that's what's going on lately with me and I guess the fam. :/ 

Not really good for me but I don't how anyone else feels about things because no one talks! But oh well. 

Thank you again for reading, this was basically just a rant chapter again I suppose. I feel like I should write once a week so I can get down everything that happened, if anything happened. I have a boring life haha. But anyway. thank you again! Stay tuned for more. :) Fair well! 

September 18, 2017. Monday 10:24 p.m.

I'd like to believe not all writing can be saddening to be good. I'd like to believe you don't always have to be deep in thought, writing personal things on a piece of paper to share out to the world.

I'd like to believe... That... Things can be happy. 

Whether they are or have been damaged, they can be happy.

I'd like to believe that there are factors to why most of us are still living, something to keep us breathing and moving at the least. For me, it's true. I don't have much, and I'm not a strong person mentally, but I can tell you, that if you have at least one supportive person, you can keep breathing.

I'd just like to believe that all of us can and will be happy some day.

Whether it's not now, or maybe not even later, but... Someday.

All I can say is to keep breathing and maybe you'll see that day come.

But what do I know?

I'm just a saddening author.  

September 20, 2017. Wednesday 9:21 p.m.

 Sometimes I feel unlovable. It's not always that I think about it, people say things and it makes me think about it. 

I've been told that I will never be loved and that no one could ever love someone like me. 

It sucks feeling like this and letting things that people say get to you. 

I feel like I should be able to be who I want to be but... People around here make that impossible. You can try but you get knocked down, told that you are littler than what you think you are. 

Its horrible. 

If only people could be nice and not such dicks, the world would be such a better place especially for people like us. 

But the world doesn't work that way. If only.... 

If only. 

 

September 24, 2017. Sunday 7:50 p.m.

 I'd like to think at some point of the time we had together, I was the center of your mind. But I know now that I was so very wrong and that it was all just one big stupid mistake. 

But you know? I'm not really doing anything to stop it. I suppose we both thought about each other yesterday because we both texted.

I missed you, and I'd like to think you missed me too, but in reality, the brutal truth I know you didn't. 

But I'd also like to think you didn't miss me back. 

It's working both ways, it's kind of like tug-of-war between those thoughts. But I'd never know the true reality if I don't ask you, but even then... You might not tell me because I'm me. 

You trust me, I know you do, but you like to hide your feelings. You're hard to get to know, you don't talk about yourself much. I find it to be... fascinating. But every time you did break down and you did need a shoulder, I was there for you. You spilled it all to me. And I had hoped I was the only one you did do that too. 

I feel as if we have a deep connection. Like... we get along some how better than we do with other people. I'm not sure what it is, but I feel drawn to you, as you are to me. 

We keep going back, after not talking, we go back. No matter what it happens. It's been happening. And just now was I presume the perfect time to start worrying about it.

What does it mean? 

Do you really miss me, or do you just want me? 

There's a difference between the two, and I wouldn't want to talk about what it means from my perspective. It just hurts a little bit. Every once in a while, my emotional burnt heart aches a bit at the thought of you. But it continues to beat with the strength it's been using up. I appreciate the effort my body has given to protect itself from the hits he gives off. 

It still hurts. No matter how much protection I have, it still hurts. Because he's him.

He's him.

That's all he has to do to make me melt.

He's

Him

 

September 25, 2017. Thursday 7:27 p.m.

 Isn't it quite sad how people feel like they shouldn't be together due to past experiences being in each others lives? I think so. It's a tragedy actually. I think so because you never really know if something could be unless you do it. 

But that's the scary thing. You might not want to get hurt again or... should I say damaged? I feel that way about a certain person. They hurt me pretty bad, so bad actually. It still fucks me up to this day and I find that traumatizing. But guess what? I still love him. Yes, I said love. I have no regrets for saying such a word. I believe that you can love someone who has hurt you more than once, or even just hitting you hard in one shot. I believe there's still and can be something there. 

Who actually knows for sure though? That's right, you don't. Not unless you try it. (:

October 15, 2017. Sunday 10:50 p.m.

 Night sadness is hitting in.

All I really want right now is for you to kiss me. Hold me. Cuddle me. Fondle me. 

Anything that involves interaction of some kind with you right now is completely welcomed. 

I miss you and I'd like to know whether you miss me too. 

I tell myself you do to make these feelings for you calmer but then feelings of you hating me or something unwanted make the feelings stronger.

I want to touch you. I want to walk with you. I want to talk to you. I want to see you. 

It hurts ya know? 

A little too much, more than it should. 

When someone says your name my heart flutters then those flutters turn to pounds of pain aching through my chest realizing where we are now. 

But maybe this is just how a new beginning starts. 

Who knows? Maybe it is.. Maybe its just the ending. 

Which would be competely reasonable considering how its been going so far. 

I dont want you to forget me, thats all I can ask for. 

I won't forget you, I obviously haven't. 

Its diflcult to keep thoughts of you from lingering in my mind. Even if they're way back there, they still seem to make it front seat. 

I really wish they'd just stay back there, so the streams of tears I shed will stay minimal. The more I think, the more I realize how many parts I fucked up. 

It hurts me, and I'd like to think you think this too. 

But I'm not just guilty here, you're not quite innocent either. After we parted ways I realized some pieces of this story fit together and figured out the shit you tried to pull. If I could I'd argue with you about it but I feel like doing that will put us in a more hurtful world where we can't fix much. 

Now that I'm thinking about it I would honestly be okay with just us fucking, I'd get t see you. Feel you. Kiss you. Fondle you. Have you... Just for a while even is okay. 

I just want you again. 

I want you to want me too. 

 

October 24, 2017. Tuesday 7:40 p.m.

It's been quite a while, it has been so long, hasn't it? We haven't talked, we're making small talk now, but we weren't before. Before, we were pretending that neither of us existed to each other. But now we do exist, but we're not as important as they first were. 

You won't talk to me, the way I want you to anyway. Not the way you used to.

But I do, because I still care for you and I especially still love your stupid face. 

You start to open up but I'd like to think you're just scared, and you clam up again and shut up. I don't want you to do that, I'd like to think you don't either. 

You say I don't know you anymore.

You said that to me, you said you don't care anymore.

Then why are you still here?

There's some part of you that has to care, but if there's not, what the hell are you still doing here? 

If you don't care, you're unwanted, leave me alone.

I just lied to myself and you, I do want you regardless of what you think of me. 

You do realize I know so much about you, I let you talk. You've had your share of my attention. 

You talk all the time, and most would hate that, but... I find it mesmorizing to see you talk.

It's interesting about how you use words, I know some of your beliefs, your opinions. I know that you absolutely adore the color purple. I know you prefer soccer over football anyday, I know that you play the clarinet (very good too), I know you don't know your dad, I know you have family issues, I know it's hard for you to open up and carry out, and I know you still care about me. 

You must, you just...

Must. 

I feel kind of silly for having all these prolonged feelings for some stupid boy that obviously doesn't care for me. 

But that's just how I am, I get feelings, they don't go away till I satisfy them. It's not me, it's just how my brain works. 

My brain is me though...

I am so sorry. 

To you guys, to him, to myself.

I am childish. 

I am fucked over because of this.

I fucked myself over for this. 

It's childish, isn't it? 

It shouldn't be though, they're things that can affect you, feelings can affect you, can't they? 

Feelings like this is why I write, it makes me feel a little better on the inside to know people know about these things.

But every once in a while I feel a little childish to keep writing about the same thing, but at the same time, it's something interesting to write about. 

It's sad, it's childish, it's pointless.

But it makes good art. 

October 29, 2017, Saturday 12:04 a.m.

Around you, I can breathe. Around you, I can feel great. Around you, I feel a little more like myself. Around you, I'm alive. Around you, I'm vibrant. Around you, I smile.

Around you, It's lovely. Around you, I'm happy.

Around you, it's the best place I could be.

Around you, is where the sadness leaves.

Around you, is where my heart skips a beat.

Around you, is where my thoughts are just of you.

Around you, it doesn't hurt.

Around you, everything is numbed.

Around you, I'm a nervous wreck.

Around you, you make me feel things I don't usually.

Being around you is the best.

But I'm not around you.

And all the things I have just listed off are the opposite when you're away. 

I haven't seen you in a while.

My heart isn't happy.

I kind of wish your's wasn't either, maybe then would you want to see me. 

But oh well.

You don't care anyway, that's what you like to say. 

I can push these feelings and thoughts away and put a fake smile on my face and pretend it's real, but the truth is...

I love you.

So dearly.

I've come to the conclusion that, right now, you are all that I want.

I want you, I need you, I like you, I care for you, I love you.

Right now, that is the truth.

Right now, that's what I need and want.

Right now, that's just what is is.

I'm sorry, but not. 

I just hope you can see that soon enough.

And I hope that it's the same.

But oh well

Who knows anyway?

Maybe it'll all go just as planned, but maybe it can go as a complete disaster.

We'll just have to sit back and watch I suppose.

Otherwise, how will we find out?

Can't coware around, you have to do something.

But the question is.

What will be done? 

November 4, 2017. Saturday 8:19 pm.

 I am so very sick. I honestly hate myself right now because of how bad it is. I can't move a centimeter without wanting to sneeze my brain out. Ahhhh! 

Since I have nothing really going on, mostly because I can't, I plan on writing more.

Not only in this book, but in my other two books that I have on. 

One of them is published, "Don't be a Dick". I have a few chapters published in that book so if you're interested in something dark, go on over and read the beginning chapters of that. My other book has not been put up, mostly because I only have one chapter done in that book. I am sorry for that but I've been so unmotivated, I can't even think much. 

And I know, sweeping down low using my most popular book to promote my others, yeah yeah. But I mean, the first book I mentioned, I have big plans for that book and if you like this one, I'm sure you'll like that one. 

Here's the description of "Don't be a Dick" just in case you're interested: 

 

Hi. I’m Mark. Mark Phanelley. I’m a 16 year old kid who’s pretty happy with life. I’m turning 17 at the end of this year, the last day of school. I’m a sophomore in Greene High School. I live with my parents, I don’t have any siblings. It’s just me and them. I don’t mind, I hear all the time how everyone fights with theirs, so maybe it’s a plus? Tomorrow is the first day of sophomore year, I’m pretty excited. Mostly because I’ll finally get to see my best friend Alex after about a month. We had hung out a bunch at the beginning of summer but it slowly got to where we didn’t even text. It was probably just something to do with his family.. He doesn’t live in a great environment. His mother doesn’t care for him, when she does it’s not helpful, while his father beats her and him every night when he gets home from the bar.

But that’s not really the case I suppose. He’s my friend, I’m his. I’m there for him when he needs it, I try not to complain much. He’s basically a loser in our school though, that’s why it’s important for me to be there for him. But that changes ya know? It changed.

And it costed something.

Many things actually.

But oh well…. He just had enough I guess.

I get it though, I forgive you…

 

That's the description for my book "Don't be a Dick" 

I think I have done a good job on the first few chapters, but I don't know, you guys be the judge.

If you have any opinions or something nice to say about this book or my others, please message or comment on them! I'd be so glad to read them. I'd also appreciate a favorite, that just let's me know I should get off my ass and get to work! 

I know, most of this chapter is just promoting my books, I know lame, but I'm just saying, if you like my writing, there's more so read it! Please! 

I'd like to shout out my friend Jocelyn for favoriting a book I wrote about two years ago, she is really nice and I'd encourage you guys to befriend her and check her profile out too! She's a good person.

Anyway though, I hope you all have a lovely day. Thank you all for the support, and just keep doing what you're doing. Tune in again soon! Thanks.

November 12, 2017. Sunday 8:41 p.m.

 I appreciate your honesty, I appreciate you. I appreciate everything you've done, and the you that I knew. 

But I just wanted to tell you I am sorry.

That I am just a crazy bitch. 

November 30, 2017. Thursday 8:00 p.m.

 I beg for your attention and I think you feed on it. I beg for your affection and it's like that helps you sleep through the night knowing I want you. I beg for your appearance in my vision and I guess it strengthens you that I will do anything to see you. I beg for you, I tell you I want you and I guess that's your way of telling me that you'll use me but not love me. 

I beg for lots of things for you and I feel like you get by day to day using that, putting it in the back of your mind till the end of the day, late at night. You remember me then, and all that I have done and yet to do, and you decide to make me feel like the most special thing in the world. That's when I start to put feelings there that don't exist at all, and I start to think you might miss or still like me. I make myself think this is your way of coming back, I make myself think that you still care and you are still infatuated with me.

That's when you use me, for your pleasure. Literally. 

You ask me to smash and at that time I say yes because literally anything and everything that has to do with you, the answer is already yes.

You tell me I'm beautiful, you tell me I'm the best you've ever had, and... You tell me you love me. You tell me you never want to lose me. You tell me that nothing will tear you apart from me. You tell me all these idealic things, and... Of course I fall for it. I'm still absolutely deeply in love with you. I feel like It's just stupidity taking over at this point but I can't tell anymore.

I tell you I want you, I tell you I love you too. I tell you that you're amazing, I tell you that I never want you to leave me. 

I tell you all these idealic things, but I can't finish this sentence because I don't know what you think. 

You don't talk to me for at minimum of two weeks after this wonderful night I replay in my mind right before I go to sleep. I remind myself that you should be texting me any time now, and maybe you're just busy and that you'll squeeze me in.

Another day goes by, and I do the same. I beg myself to keep thinking that you will text me and tell me you love me.

But then another day goes by, and the process continues, but the only difference is that slowly at a time I start to lose hope. 

After the time those two weeks pass, my lovely feelings about you start to fade and the feeling and memories of awful things start to grow their place in my ruined mind. That's when you start texting me, and you do the same thing you did last time.

The process goes on, and on.

And on.

And on and on and on.

And on and on and on,

And on... on... on... on.....

This is why I'm here now. Because the process got up again and I'm realizing it is happening a little earlier than I usually do. This is why I'm writing, because I realized that I am basically nothing to you besides a little puppy you give little attention to. This is why I'm here, I am just speaking my mind because some of you find wisdom in my words, others relate, and some just enjoy to read such beautiful and broken words.

I am grateful for my readers, I am grateful for the people who can relate to me, I am grateful in general for the many things I have and the people I have met. Good or bad, they taught me something and they showed me something either beautiful or ugly in the world. These people have made me realize so many things and some of these things I'm still realizing. I've still got a lot to learn and that's okay. The only problem is, I'm learning a lot more than I should right now.

No one should have to go through these things as I have. Some people have the luxury of not, but some of us are less fortunate. 

I am an unfortunate person to have these things happened, especially considering I have so much to see in the world. But in reality I feel like people like me who have gone through these horrid things are actually more fortunate than people who don't. 

I don't want to have an existential crisis right now because I'm already on the verge of a breakdown, so I won't explain my reasoning right now.

But I'm sure people who have gone through some shit will understand what I am meaning. 

Right now, I am lying in bed, typing this out with a dog laying on my leg watching my boi Onion. I am so grateful for this life given. But with this brain understanding and comprehending situations and words a bit more advanced is making this life a little hard to live.

But these nice people and good influences coming along are making it okay. These bad things happen. I won't say for a reason because honestly, we don't and will probably never know why. So...

For now we just have to hope I suppose.

We'll just have to hope everything turns out fine

And that... These good people and situations occur more often than the bad ones.

We just gotta hope.

I suppose.

 

December 18, 2017. Monday 11:38 p.m.

 I should be asleep right now. I have three finals to take tomorrow. It depresses me how I'm so physically stressed about it while mentally I'm like who cares, fail, at least it'll be over.. but literally, my insides keep flipping themselves because I am so worried I will fail. Tomorrow I am taking finals I am not worried about at all. On Wednesday are the ones I'm worried about. Legit, all the ones I'm not worried about are tomorrow, and they saved the most difficult for last. I wish it were the other way arounddd...

Sorry for my ranting, i am just triggered. I didnt get to study much today because i got called in for another nudes situation. Yes i know, twice in a semester. Gee Gabby, how do you pull that off

December 22, 2017. Friday 7:04 p.m.

 I didn't write yesterday because I used it as a resting day due to the amount of sleep I haven't been getting. I did okay on my finals. The ones I did worst on was surprisingly my English one and my science. Yes, I know, you're probably like, "wtf gabby, you're a writer" Yeah, yeah, but the final had nothing to do with writing. 

It was over a book I didn't read half of because I had no interest in it. 

I almost got 100% on my math final, I was pretty proud of myself for it. 

*I ate three doughnuts because I deserved it*

My parents are kind of convinced I am depressed. I mean, yes, I am. But uhm, you just noticed now. I had a terrible argument with them yesterday about it, they called me ungrateful, lazy, and basically worded it as "you aren't the daughter we wanted". 

Today though, they woke me up saying they didn't mean any of it, but I'm sure that was a lie. 

But it's okay. I know I'm not real wanted around here, that's why I don't crowd around. Once I get my crap together, I swear I'm out of here. I don't feel too important here anyway. I'm basically a maid who just lives with them. I make dinner, I do the dishes, laundry, vacuuming... 

So on, and so on. 

I don't think I'm too depressed considering I still do these things. But when I think about it, I have to yell at myself to get up and do it. All I really do anymore is sleep and or watch romantic tv shows because I'm pathetic. 

But oh well.

I hope you all are doing well.

thanks for reading. 

 

February 1, 2018. 8:10 p.m.

 I don't really know what to say anymore, agh. If I'm being honest, I'm just a mix between sad and happy. Like there's nothing else, it just goes in between those two and it fucking sucks. 

I've been so tired lately and so very unmotivated, I don't really know what to do anymore.

Love Update: I have been slowly moving on. It is kind of obvious he was just leading me on, he only was using me to satisfy his pleasures for sexual desires whenever he wanted to do so. I have realized that but now my mind is actually taking action over it, so... Yeah. I'm just going to try to forget. 

Someone will be out there for me someday, I just need to follow my own advice as I give it to other people. It's hypocritical when me, myself or other people do that. 

I'm trying to change, I am not flattered with who I am at the moment. 

My friends are very worried, they think I hate them. I thought it was funny at first but.. It just made me realize how much I've just not been socializing. I'm just trying to give myself some space to think about my life. I'm not very good at relationships and feelings (haha you don't say) so there's some miscommincation there too. 

I don't know.

I just, want someone there.

To support me and love me.

You know someday I wanted at most 5 children. I really love kids, plus I love the idea off making something absolutely beautiful and mesmorizing with someone I completely adore. The thought just makes me smile. 

Which that has been keeping me going. I want more me's. I'm a pretty smart girl, I'm decent looking (I'd like to think) and I guess I'm kind of funny and stuff.

Not when I write though, I try to be serious and stuff, it's just my smile, but you know that's just an excuse so I don't have to try to be funny in my books, haha. 

But I mean another thought always crosses my mind. What if in the future my kid is sitting where I am, probably writing too, and is feeling the same way I am.

It hurts me to think about that, I don't ever want my kid to hurt or be sad or whatever. I mean it's going to happen, but for me right now, it's just constant and I really don't want that for my kid. 

Okay, I feel like I'm thinking way too deep into this but I mean this is basically a thought journal so I'm spilling the beans. 

It's just these thoughts, I get so many. I just overthink waaaay too much about it and it drives me crazy because then I have all these different scenarios and all these different outcomes, it fills up my head. 

And of course me being me, I think more about the bad than the good. But doesn't everyone? 

I envy people who can stay positive. I really don't understand how, lol. 

Like I really don't. 

I could try but I'd end up having a breakdown like three hours later because I can't do it anymore. Haha, I know! 

And I mean I can stay positive but they're in situations that don't mean much. Like, when it's a presentation and I stutter and fuck up a ton of words, I'll just tell myself I still did good because I'm a smart girl, and I always end up getting a good grade anyway so whatevs. 

I don't know, lol, that's just an example.

You know, right now I'm just hungry so I'm going to go eat this vanilla ice cream with swirls of caramel. Mmmm, i'm probably going to end up in the hospital haha. 

We'll see! 

Thanks for reading my rant and my dumb ass over analyzing thoughts. 

Hope you come back. 

xoxo

 

March 25, 2018. 1:14 a.m.

 Indescribable, that is what this is. 

Conversations, they are little to none. 

Beautiful and joyful, that smile of his. 

My heart, it's emotion strings now undone. 

 

Lust, that's all it probably was to us. 

Questions scatter in the back of my head.

In the end, there was nothing to discuss. 

There was nothing left but some words unsaid. 

 

It's over, we're trying to stay oblivious. 

But... That's not the case between you and me. 

The feelings, the words are still there, it's obvious. 

Lust or love, maybe it wasn't meant to be.

 

It's okay with me, but is it for you? 

Whenever you're around, it leaves me blue. 

April 2, 2018. 8:39 P.M.

 I am alive. I hope you enjoyed my sonnet in the previous chapter. I'm into those now. Shakespeare was a brilliant writer. 

But speaking of writing!

I would like to give a shoutout to a fan of mine that contacted me over snapchat! 

I didn't get your name, I should probably ask you, oops. 

But, I would like to say that II appreciate this dude greatly! People like him keep me motivated to keep writing. Not that I don't like writing, I so do, it's just the fact I'm not all that consistent when it comes to a schedule. 

But thank you! 

If you would like to contact me over my snapchat like him, it's kys_gabby.

Have at it! 

You can text me any time, I'll most likely get back to you pretty soon. 

But anyway, I will tell you what's been going on.

It's been pretty okay with me. I've been feeling fine. Found out I am allergic to dust yesterday, which is not neat at all. 

I have been sick, my allergies are through the roof. 

I've been pretty happy though. I'd like to say.

There were major family issues that had occured last night, but it's aye ok now. 

School is close to an end. There's two months left.

We had a week added due to snow days but it's okay.

Practice ACT tests are tomorrow, so I will be guessing on it and reading for most of the day. I packed two more books because I will finish the one I'm already reading, and just in case I finish another then I have that one handy. 

I don't understand the point of practice ACT? Like I understand maybe having one the year before the actual one because it'll give me an idea of what it is, but I have no idea what any of the material is because I haven't learned it, it's the point of "practice". I can't really try on it if I haven't learned it. But I do try on Math, and on English. English is reading a story and answering questions, and grammatical questions. Math, they give some throwback questions so I can answer those. On Science, last time they gave questions about Earthquakes and some on tornados, I had no idea what it was. I could answer a few because there were some like "What measuring tool is used to find this out about a tornado" I know some because my dad watches many many shows over weather. 

But I just don't see the point? 

We get about an hour and a half on each subject, so... I guess and it takes like 10-20 minutes and I read for the rest of the time. That's what mostly everyone does. Except for those gifted kids. I would be in gifted but History and Science aren't my strongest subjects. The other two, I'm pro at. 

But anywho, that's what's up for me. 

Thank you dude who added me on snapchat! 

I'm not sure which book of mine that you had read, but I appreciate it every little bit! :) 

Hmu if you ever wanna chat with me

kys_gabby

Have a great night everyone. :)

April 8, 2018. 6:52 p.m.

 Is it possible for a human being to be exactly like another human being you used to love? I feel it's possible because I'm witnessing it as we speak. 

I'm so very frustrated. 

So many chapters in a span of a week because little Miss Follin has love problems and is sad all the time. 

It's not just the love problems my dude, it's the way I function when it comes to the love is my problem. 

And boy oh boy do I suck. 

AGH ok. 

I seriously don't know what to say anymore?

You've heard it like seventeen times in these chapters together

I suck at relationships, we get it.

You can't make up your mind about your feelings so you blab about it all the time in this journal for everyone to read.

ok... That's kinda really sad for me to read that. 

ok whatever

 

April 13, 2018. 5:06 p.m.

 I hope you know that I am only writing here because I really need to get my thoughts out and I really just need a person to listen. And I'm certain you are. 

So... Thank you. 

 

April 24, 2018. 6:50 p.m.

 Testing, testing, testing. 

So many different tests.

EOC Thursday and Friday.

Finals, last three days of school. 

And life itself. 

So very frustrated, so very difficult. 

It's like everyday there's something else that's wrong. 

And it is like that for everyone, sadly. 

We all got struggles and it really does suck. 

Most of us look out for ourselves, we ignore everyone else. And I'm right. I don't want to hear something different because it really is true. 

I do it for sure. 

I can be very arrogant, most of the time I look at people and wonder why they can't be and think like me. 

Mostly because they have a common sense but choose to pretend it doesn't exist. 

When your sister is cutting herself, you tell your parents right? Can I ask, how do you forget about it? 

Is it wrong to not want an emotionally unstable girlfriend? 

I don't think it is. 

It's totally reasonable. I don't want people to be shamed for it. 

It's hard work being with someone like that, I know it is. 

Which is why I can never really keep a relationship. 

Paranoia, clinginess, the PTSD. It's hard to deal with. 

You don't want to talk to people who cut themselves because they refuse to help themselves? 

Hah, I've been down this road numerous times,  and I have been called an asshole numerous times for it. 

I don't understand why people think it's okay to cut your own flesh to "help" yourself. It clearly just does more damage, physically to yourself, and emotionally again, to yourself and everyone else around you. 

It's not right and it's not ok. 

Why would I continue to try and talk to these people when they tell me they don't think there's anything more in this world for them? 

If that's the case for them, why don't they kill themselves? 

Of course I never say that, but... it's a thought. 

If they really think there's nothing in this world for them, then why are they still here? 

You want people to sympathize for you because you have problems, but.. you use for personal gain instead of motivation to get yourself better? 

I could write a whole book on this. 

You want me to? I so will.

If you are offended right now, please leave. 

I could make myself more clear but this one chapter would be a whole book. 

You know what? I'm motivated now.

I want to be a psychologist. 

I want to learn how the mind works.

My mother asked me if it was because of what happened with my sister, and it's not.

I have always been fascinated with this subject. 

This will be another subject in my book! 

It might be the first chapter to explain it all. 

Okay.

I will stop talking. 

I will begin writing in this other book I am now motivated to write in.

I think I might actually finish it too because it's something that I can write my opinions and thoughts in. People who read it, and continue to, will agree with me on it. 

Some of you might not, but... 

Oh well.

I hope you have a lovely day.

I am going to write now. 

xoxo

May 9, 2018. 3:17 p.m.

Take me, that's what you say to a man that's on top you, feeling every inch of your body. 

He'll end up leaving you.

 

Love me, you say to a man who's hugging you tightly, placing his gentle kisses upon your forehead. 

He'll end up hating you. 

 

Want me, you say to a man who's staring at you seductively from across the room.

He'll end up throwing you away. 

 

It's all fun and games until it's not. 

 

 

 

May 13, 2018. 9:48 p.m.

He said it wasn't good, not great at all. But she told him that it was so very doubtful. She asked him to share his precious note written with his honesty and passion. He politely asked her if she swears she will not show amusement once read, and she promised so. She had feelings of what was going to come, but she held her ground as she read these loyal words to herself. 

 

He felt her first touch in May when the red leaves fell like crimson snow on the air.
She smelled like vanilla and strawberries, and it was intoxicating.
That sort of perfection you couldn't think was real.
When his whole world was falling apart, she took his hands gently, and told him that everything would be okay.
Days turned to nights, that bond was an electric current, and the voltage only increased.
Like a circuit, love can't be stopped for long before it meets uproarious dismay.
The thing he remembered most and could never forget is that first moment she told him "I love you" back.
Like a freight train it hit him, how perfect she was.
And he never did get how people could think perfection exists, on a planet like this.
At first, love was gentle and kind.
It was like a seed sprouting it's first roots.
And like a tree, love grew stronger as time passed.
He loved her, and she loved him, and that's all that mattered.

 

As the last word was finished, she took a deep breath. She faced him and smiled. It was a special day indeed, she had said, I remember it too. He couldn't help but smile at her, he thought back to the day she said it and remembered her perfection. It still exists, yet its morphed. Its different but it is still the same feeling as it was for the very first occurrence. The love is still strong, it is a tree, big and strong. It takes hits, a few broken branches but it still stands proud in the sky. Those branches grow back, those leaves will be born again. The love that is within this tree will not be broken until it is wilted to nothing. It will last, love. 

 

 

May 30, 2018. 11:07 p.m.

 its 5am, i dont know where to go

haven't heard from you in so long

one day you're here and the next you're gone

do you even care about me at all

June 30, 2018. 2:17 a.m.

 not dead

no worries

just busy

i guess you could say

 

 

be back soon hopefully

 

July 27, 2018. 5:48 a.m.

 Tippytoe to the window screen
I can hear you breathe

July 31, 2018. 4:21 a.m.

 I miss you 

 

i want you here in bed with me

 

its cold and lonely without you

 

i need you

 

is that too much to ask?

September 7, 2018. 8:48 p.m.

 Hey, I'm not dead.

But mentally barely alive. 

School is draining me, busy, tired, so I'm sorry for not updating frequently. 

But I mean, it's better than updating every single day, right? 

You'd rather have this than a drama chapter every two seconds. 

 

I would. 

 

Nothing is new, nothing is old. 

Everything is the same here. 

That's probably why I haven't thought of this book in a while.

But I still apologize. 

 

Still longing for one I can never have. 

Still longing for adult hood.

Still longing for a list of things that I'm sure you don't have much time to worry about. 

 

You have your own list, and I respect that. 

With a passion. 

 

I just wish something would change. 

Some tragedy coming about. 

Or.. something good. That would be preferred. 

 

Either way.

Something. 

 

I'm so tired of dreading these two places. 

Home and school. 

I wake up in the morning wishing I can close my eyes again and never open them. 

I go to school wishing I could stay in this seat in this dull room forever. 

 

It's just the same boring schedule.

Nothing new nothing old. 

 

Nothing new is with me.

Literally nothing.

 

So please move on now.

 

I appreciate you giving your attention up for a couple minutes to read this so very meaningless chapter. 

Maybe you found meaning in it somewhere.

Maybe it motivated you

But it's doing the opposite for me

 

Words are all I got

And that's really okay

 

But then again

Nothing is new, nothing is old. 

 

Same words

Same symphonies

Same books

 

Have a great day

Please be safe

Be good

Be grateful

 

Goodnight

September 22, 2018. 12:34 a.m.

 I cannot sleep and that might be because I'm completely energized right now.

The only problem is I really don't have anything to do. 

Ahhh! 

No idea. 

I don't really have much to update on besides the fact I'm writing a new book.

Still debating on whether or not I should continue others... but... 

This one is in progress and  I hope to the lords you will love it! 

I'm pouring out chapters pretty quick too. Strangely I have the motivation to write. 

Anywho... 

Have a great night. 

xoxo

 

October 7, 2018. 1:54 p.m.

 We got school tomorrow and face full of boringness.

I guess that's no change from the week before, or the one before that. Either way, still don't enjoy it. 

That doesn't change either. 

I'm hoping that maybe this week will be better from the last. 

Maybe I can finally chill without worrying so much or despising the fact I have to wake up the next day. 

Last week was just terrible, lots of things went on but as I talk about them they sound small. 

But a bunch of small things but together make one big thing. 

 

October 9, 2018. 10:17 p.m.

 It's about time. I can finally escape from all this toxicity.

Are you convinced I'm going to stay?

The answer is no, by the way. 

I'm not going to stay after all this mistreatment. 

Not after all this bullshit. 

Toleration is a strong suite, obviously.

But there comes a point where the toleration must stop because it starts eating away at your brain.

Makes you weaker, not only mentally but starts to physically too.

And you can now assume, yes, I've gotten to that point.

All this toleration has turned into one big mush of problem. 

Toleration ignores it, pushes it aside... You can't do that. 

It all comes back up and it bothers you, and maybe this time you cannot tolerate it. 

So just don't. 

I'm not going to anymore.

I need to do what's best for me. 

Are you going to get mad at me for doing this?

The one time I do not think about your feelings or your being?

The answer might be a yes. 

You'll probably lie at first and tell me it's all goodie. But then later you'll be sobbing at my legs telling me not to leave.

How could I not leave?

Can you think about that for a moment and possibly realize that you are obviously not the most important person in my life. 

The most important person is me. 

Yeah, I'll think about you sometimes in events, but this is definitely not one of them.

Where do you get involved when it comes to my mental state?

You don't. 

So please and thank you for the ride, but I must leave now. 

I have to move on to a better place, a better ride.

Maybe someone that'll stop and get me a drink. 

I don't know maybe something more than what you ever provided me?

Yeah, you must say, you did provide a ride at all.

But honestly, I would've rather walked my ass all that way instead of the terrible ride with you.

Imagine being in a car with someone, constantly, them just randomly slap you. Start poking at your deepest darkest secrets and insecurities. 

There's more to come, but this would become more of a novel itself than just a chapter. 

So I'll stop there, but I'm certain you get the jiff. 

Anyway, like I said.

Time to go now. 

I'll walk for now.

I appreciate what you did give me, but I do not appreciate you. 

So this is goodbye.

My goodbye letter.

Goodbye. 

October 18, 2018. 8:30 p.m.

 A night of regret. the 15th. 

Damn, back to square one I tell you.

It's terrible and I'm not sure what to do anymore.

Mental state is slowly crumbling into basically a pile of nothingness.

But whatever right?

Let's just keep living out my days. 

November 1, 2018. 10:55 p.m.

 It's going to be impossible to sleep tonight. Not because I have anything going on tomorrow but because I cannot fall asleep for the life of me anymore.

I'm not sure if i'm actually going insane or if it's the drugs.

Maybe just the drugs I hope.

Maybe the drugs just make me insane. 

Huh... 

well...

i have nothing else to really say. 

I guess I'll tell you what's going on with me.

Potential boyfriend is coming to hang out Saturday. 

I have a doctors appointment next wednesday for meds. 

uh...

yeah.

that's it. 

 

December 4, 2018. 9:53 p.m.

 It's been a while, eh?

Didn't even realize it's been so long. 

I've been in so much trouble in the past month, not even a joke I tell you! 

I'd prefer not to talk about it however.

I'm just feeling a bit out of luck. 

Things seemed to have turned completely upside down and I'm not even getting a tad bit back up to a smile. 

I want to fall in love, is that a lot to ask for?

Supposedly it is, which... If I think about it, it kind of is. 

Even if it's fake honestly. 

Heartache is something I'd prefer over feeling absolutely nothing. 

Pain is there for a reason right?

I'm not feeling any of it.

I don't feel much regret for anything I've done. 

I don't really care much for other's feelings lately. 

I'm not too gentle with the things I say.

I'm taking the honesty thing waaaay too literal anymore.

 

I haven't been able to write much.

If I'm able to, it's more like a sentence or two or something meaningful and the rest is basically banana peels.

Trash, I'm meaning.

I'm trying though. 

Isn't that the important thing?

 

December 16, 2018. 7:54 p.m.

 I'm really tired. 

There isn't much to update on but I felt like I should write something. 

I'm making very slow progress on a few of my books but.. I'm not sure what to do anymore. 

I'm not really motivated to do much, maybe it's just the seasonal depression. 

I don't like the cold weather, I always liked it when it was warmer. Can't wait for spring, at least I know that with everyday that rolls by with this cold and sucky weather we're one day closer to haver a nicer season roll by. 

I must say, I very much dislike the hot weather of Summer but I'd rather much prefer the cooler nights where I can go outside in shorts and be able to stay out as long as I want to. 

I miss it, the freedom. 

But I trapped myself, acting out in my rebellious ways and being so very careless in the process. 

I'm a prisoner now and I can only blame myself. 

At least I'm not actually a prisoner though, haha. 

Maybe I'll try to do more editing, I always enjoyed it and it did kill time while I did so. 

I'll do some research and see if I can perform this kind of hobby, in the mean time I'll stop writing for now.

 

January 10, 2019. 8:16 p.m.

 My New Years was great. I video chatted my best friend and screamed for about two hours until midnight hit. When it did, we screamed happy new year, and basically passed out. We didn't get much sleep the night before so I'd say it's reasonable. 

We never really get much sleep anymore. 

But anyway, it's a new year. 

Only downside is, everything else is the same. 

I'm updating books, specifically to:you and Don't Be a Dick. 

People have asked about those, and this one too! 

So those three will be priority. 

But anyway, that's all that's really up. 

I kind of have a boyfriend now, so there's that. 

I won't speak on it much here, if I have anything to say it'll probably be in my book to:you. 

If you're interesting in my stupid love decisions, head over there! 

Anywho, have a great night everyone. 

xoxo

January 24, 2019. 7:20 p.m.

 I am very sad. 

I'm not sure why but today hasn't been that great of a day. 

I woke up with quite the hangover. 

I got drunk off my ass last night, no regrets at all of course but... ow. 

My heart aches and I'm not sure what to think about it. 

Or do about it. 

I feel like I'm losing people.

More likely myself. 

 

February 1, 2019. 11:04 p.m.

There is a man who I am very fond of. 

Very determined, strong man. 

But he has a soft side, a sweet side and he has shown me both. 

I am very grateful he is in my life but let's say I am consistently worried he might end up leaving me. 

Because of my past and how my past shaped me to be who I am today. 

He says the past is the past and we can't change it. He says it all the time. 

But I know MY past bothers him. 

The way I carelessly made love to strange men, the alcohol problem, the drugs. 

It was a problem, but now it isn't. 

But it was. 

He's never made love to anyone, and he says he wants me to be his one and only. 

Does he mean it?

 

Reassuring questions are constantly a problem, why do I need all that self assurance?

Because of my past...

This man, I believe loves me. 

Can I love him in a way I have never loved anyone before?

Was it even love at all, those past men?

 

I want to deal with it, I do. 

But I can't without him. 

And I can't without him listening. 

I love him. 

Hope he can love me too.

February 8, 2019. 2:03 p.m.

 I am sorta stuck between who to love. 

There's an italian boy who has driven back towards me, and then there's an army man for me! 

I'm not sure who to choose... 

On one hand, one is very sweet and tells me he loves me constantly, and on the other he doesn't say much, only when he needs to. 

One is sensitive and he likes to talk about it, while the other doesn't really talk unless he's really feeling it. 

They're kind of opposite of each other and it kinda hurts lmao.

 

February 12, 2019. 11:43 p.m.

 obvious

 

 

This continues and there’s no reason for it.

Have you not let go? Proof is there, you haven’t.

It’s been made very clear that you are not important, not anymore.

One point, you were my best friend, but it changed when you became less than that.

It wasn’t the feelings that were changing, it was you.

 

The word useless was just used out of anger, hopefully that is known.

Yet any other word that would be used to describe you isn’t much better than useless.

Did it hurt you? Proof is there, it did.

That wasn’t the intention but at the same time, how else can anything get through your mind without a little aggression?

It can’t, that’s the point.

 

Hypocrite was also used, you say answers should be obvious, is it not here?

That answer is an obvious no considering you asked many times, how?

Answers could be given willingly if you were ever willing to listen.

 

Caring, something that you could never qualify for.

Certainly, it didn’t go both ways, but the question is when did you know it stopped?

Obvious answer, it’s been a while.

 

The subject of care, was it asked of you? Nah.

Was it asked that you still do? Nah, but obviously you do since this is still ongoing.

Nothing is expected, the specific names used, they were used for a reason.

 

Cherishing memories, something performed often too.

Faded, they did because of the person you became for me.

They will stay in the back of the mind considering you are nothing BUT a memory.

 

Go ahead, leave, the door has been wide open for many months now.

Dearly, you were cared for at a point, but also at a point things stop, that obviously did.

Guess you’ll never know? Guess you do know now.

 

Someone has replaced you, more so has been here before you arrived.

Clearly, you were jealous of that fact on occasion, it was certainly funny.

Secrets weren’t shared based off of you not being trustworthy or caring of them.

Simple as that, it was never proven that you could be, so sorry, love, but you’re not it, you never were.

 

Does this satisfy you?

Does this work as your obvious answers?

Hopefully it suffixes and doesn’t go any longer, obviously it’s gone long enough.

 

“I’m sorry love.”

“But I can’t continue with you.”

“Sincerely, your ex-best friend.”

February 23, 2019. 10:26 p.m.

 I am so very sick it's sad at this point. I was the first one to get sick, then literally everyone else in the house started to get sick as I started to feel better. 

I felt great for like two days but now I'm so very sick again. 

I've been extremely weak, my stamina literally is ass. 

But I'm pushing out writing for you. 

I have added two chapters in "Don't be a Dick." 

And I've been working on a secret book, which I will give details about once I finish and release it, so hold your horses! 

I'm trying, hope you bear with me. 

Anyway that's pretty much it, just felt like saying what's up. 

xoxo

February 24, 2019. 11:55 p.m.

 

If you had ever let go, why do you still write about me?

Why does scraps and implements of my being still used in your complicated and wrong symphonies?

Obvious answer, you’re holding on and doing the absolute opposite of letting go.

 

Good luck with this “better” one if you could ever tell him anything that you’re actually feeling.

With current knowledge, that was a difficulty for both of you, how’s that going?

Not that you would care to tell me anyway, because oh right… You let go.

 

Hypocrite, I do indeed have the right to name you this, because it is certainly true.

Did you actually have to look up the definition to prove your point instead of using your own brain? Not a surprise.

Synonym for you, deleterious. Look that up too why don’t you?

 

Deceitful is a perfect name, you don’t deceive people?

Answer me this, why did you act as if you were a companion when you were really just toxic?

In the end, I am completely convinced you just didn’t want to be alone, personal advantage I’d say.

Deceitful, you are.

 

Indeed it is nice to think of one’s self, we all have to when it comes to literally every decision in our life. That’s pretty obvious I’d say, but thank you for pointing it out anyway.

In reality, you would know for sure.

Considering I left without even thinking of you at all, only me, myself and I. First hand experience, yay you!

Thinking of one’s self is always good, don’t you know that already?

Or are you going to continue thinking of everyone else around you because you’re afraid of losing anyone else?

 

Useless was used sparingly, and so righteously. It was correct and oh so true.

Useless is not something to describe me however, if you say you cherish our precious memories so dearly, reminisce on all those late night, all those boyfriends thousands of miles away, your family. Just remember for a second.

All these idiotic acts you were committing, asking for help and not taking it - my reasoning on why I always got aggressive with you.

Obviously it took a bit of a word beating to knock even a tiny bit of sense into you - hence on why I stopped caring.

 

Now please, read over my words and take them in willingly. Think about yourself and the person you were to me and the person you will be for more to come.

For my sake, hopefully no one will dare, but not everyone is that bright.

Certainly I wasn’t, I was blinded by the friendship just like infatuation clouds up the red flags in people.

But at least I am gone now, I can always be said bright for realizing the ugly truth.

 

Have I proved my point yet?

Is this enough for you to hush your mouth?

I never got the chance to speak my mind before you decided to run away, so here you go.

If you ever need more explaining in simpler terms, please, let me know. More than happy to provide new words.

 

It’ll only get worse from here.

I suggest you really let go now.

Goodbye again?

I hope.

February 27, 2019. 9:26 p.m.

 

Continuous, this pointless circle.

It goes around and around just like a carousel, and I want to get off.

This never-ending carousel only continues due to words needing to be said.

 

When you were a kid, you wanted to ride the carousel over and over again, like how it spins around.

At first it’s fun, new, delightful.

But after a while, the spinning gets old.

 

The same scenes pass you by, after each full spin.

Over and over again, the same spin, the same scenes, the only thing that changes is how you feel.

You feel sick, tired, you just want to get off.

 

Once you get off, you leave and forget about it.

Hopefully to find a new ride that will make you excited and happy unlike the one you just got off.

It’s kind of silly, because that’s just a child for you.

 

But also like you, you are a child, you are like a carousel.

 

Do I even need to explain? I feel like I do, just like the carousel concept to help you understand something for once.

 

All you did was make me sick, that spinning, all the same things happening over and over again.

The whining, just like a child, when things didn’t turn out the way it should, only because you kept doing the same thing over and over again instead of something new.

 

Everything was spinning.

Too much of that spinning will make one dizzy, which is why I fell off.

And only watched you as you spun out of control.

 

Do you think I tried to help put you back on track, on that normal spinning motion?

No, due to it being your normal track, where everything would just circle around again.

I didn’t want to do it, I wanted off.

And now I am.

 

Spin out of control, do damage, fuck up everything as you please.

Do that, or fix everything yourself instead of trying to blame me for not trying to.

It’s not my job, and never was.

 

Get over yourself already.

March 1, 2019. 11:14 a.m.

 

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

 

Tell me some more how words can’t hurt you.

Do they not stay in the back of your head?

It’s like watching a cartoon character run in place.

 

Words mean everything, considering they have specific meanings.

They mean something, everything.

Individual words will come together to create a sentence, that has a bigger meaning than the words by themselves.

In all reality, every word means something, but tell yourself what you need to, to decrease the pain.

 

It’s not a good idea to start something you can’t finish.

Which is exactly what you did.

Little words sprawled out over an empty picture, about me it is.

Only there, in a place where it is safe from my eyes, but not the worlds.

Which was your intention correct?

 

They ask so you can trash my name.

Before you do that, let me drag yours through the mud.

Your own words seemed to only bite you right back in the ass, funny, huh?.

 

Go on though, believe what you need to after reading my meanings of you.

Keep believing my words can’t hurt you. Even though you make it painfully obvious they do.

Just do whatever to help your pathetic existence sleep better at night.

 

Stop, is what you say, but is it what you do yourself?

Still ongoing, on both ends, and only one is holding their’s up.

Pick up the slack, you’re falling behind.

 

You’re welcome, once again.

For giving you words of my wisdom about your existence.

I hope they delight you, help you understand something maybe for once.

 

I don’t think you even read my words to the full extent.

Considering we’re still here and all.

I feel like you cherry pick the words you want to talk back at, but never the full paper.

Learn to change that, because you’ll never get anywhere like this.

Change your approach as well.

Hiding behind a block button doesn’t make you seem very serious.

 

But anyway.

Hope this helps you somehow.

Whether it helps you move on, or just get angrier at nothing, it’ll help with something.

 

Good luck with this one,

love.

March 3, 2019. 12:52 a.m.

 

Paint a picture of yourself. What do you see?

Something ugly? Pretty? Mortifying?

Tell me what you see.

 

Days when you can’t look at yourself in the mirror, in fear of seeing your face.

Only because it’s something you despise.

Not due to it being your face, just the person that wears this face.

 

Can’t help the feelings, they’re there and they are here to stay.

They reside inside my brain, they live in a cozy house and sit by the fire on a winter night.

Only for the fire to roar and engulf the house they’re supposed to sleep in safely at night.

 

Writing stories, of fictional characters.

About a love you’ve never felt, only to imagine the feelings they’re feeling.

Making up whatever tragedy or happily ever after their fate is.

 

Their fate is in your hands.

 

Reading, reading, reading.

Stories about self inflicted disasters, only to read the pain of others.

Hopefully to help you feel better about your own.

 

Overwhelming, what anything is anymore.

Take it as you will, just try not to be alone.

The loneliness will break you.

 

Paint something, of yourself.

A picture, a portrait, a memory.

Something beautiful.

 

None of these tragedies are ever beautiful.

They’re sad, heartbreaking, they suck.

Why does all this stuff happen?

 

Paint yourself.

Tell me what you see.

Do you see something beautiful?

March 8, 2019. 3:18 p.m.

 

Do not ever underestimate me.

I will say things that will burn a hole in your heart.

Certainly, I think it’s been done already.

 

Why did you lie to yourself?

Saying you don’t care and all these hideous things, and turn around and not mean any of them?

It’s now the opposite and I’m not sure which words to believe.

 

Be clear, because I was.

 

Do I hate you?

No, hate is too strong.

Hateful, is not what I am.

 

Just honest.

 

I express my feelings and emotions in sentences like this.

Do you understand that?

Never was hate expressed, just great anger because of your being.

 

You don’t know how I would react?

I can tell you since you’ve made it clear you miss me.

Simply, a response would be granted.

 

I’m not cold.

I know how those feelings feel.

Don’t you think I’d want to help if you needed it?

 

In other words.

Try not to fuck with me again.

Would appreciate the not needed anger.

 

Go ahead, text me.

If you please, if you really miss me.

Tell me about all the things that are bothering you.

 

I’m here.

Probably always will be.

Anger passes but never love.

 

Remember that.

March 9, 2019. 1:14 p.m.

 

Things said can’t be taken back.

But the words can be forgiven.

 

They are memories but just like memories, they will be remembered.

However, the both of us said things.

 

All we can do is forgive each other for the things we said.

Talk it through, make sure the different words said are noted.

 

All I ever asked was for you to listen to me.

Granted, not every piece of advice I give will work but it’s worth a try.

 

I only ask you to try because I’ve been through what you have.

Wouldn’t you consider me an expert?

 

Never did I want to see you hurt or sad.

But what was I going to do?

 

I can sit here now and say I’m sorry.

But the words I said were only stated for reasons.

 

We should discuss it.

Talk it through.

 

Did you mean your words?

From my own personal perspective I’m thinking no…

 

Either way.

We can forgive.

 

Those words will stay in place, they shall not move.

But love is far more powerful than a couple of words.

 

If this friendship continues, soon the words will be forgotten.

They won’t stay in place forever.

March 21, 2019. 4:47 p.m.

 

It was never meant to be this way.

 

The constant validation and need for reassurance.

 

Excuses could be given but that would be fickle.

 

Constant worry about your love in your heart for me.

 

Only because I wasn’t loved enough.

 

I trust you, I feel like I can trust you.

 

But damage has been done, it is a hard subject to declare.

 

Someday these little acts of paranoia and assurance will make sense.

 

But for now I will keep you in the dark.

 

Only to keep you safe, keep you bright.

 

To think of me as perfect.

March 26, 2019. 11:36 p.m.

 

What keeps you sane?

 

When your fingertips dance with razor blades while everyone sleeps soundly?

 

Hands rubbing down your skin, kissing over your black lace trim?

 

Vivid dreams of a future that you wish to have?

 

What does it for you?

 

Will you even remember this in the morning?

 

Drugs circulate your bloodstream, you’re very tired aren’t you?

 

Of course you are, we all know what you’ve been through.

 

But what keeps you sane?

 

Do you even know?

 

Do these words sprawled out over a digital page help you cope?

 

Please just tell me.

 

Whether you choose to or not, figure out a way to stay sane.

April 11, 2019. 12:31 a.m.

 Today was a pretty bad day. 

I was contemplating whether or not I should write. 

But either way I didn't really care, not today I didn't. 

I was dumped today. 

6 months is gone now. 

I just wrote a little thing about it.

 

Drowning my sorrows away with the consumption of various sugars, only because you have left once again.

In my mind, the strong feelings of my doubts of being true grows stronger, and today has confirmed them.

Never meant to be doubtful about you but my doubts are here to stay, they don’t plan on going anywhere anytime soon.

Was I too much? Or was it the fact you were too much?

All of it are assumptions considering no reasons were given regarding the sole fact you were leaving again.

“It’s nothing.” Clearly, it was something.

You never seemed to take me seriously, and in the end, our relationship wasn’t serious.

I was convinced you were using me as a toy, just to get by without being lonely.

For me, it feels to be that way.

Only a couple tears fell from my cheek for you, and more plan to come when the time is appropriate.

Today was a bad day.

And that fact was known.

But I assume you didn’t care by your actions and your wording along with it.

I’m sure you’ll be fine without me, you seemed to have left easily enough.

In my mind, I don’t expect you to come back anytime soon as you did the last.

I was convinced I liked your beating heart more than you did mine.

Difficulties gripping the thought of not getting a good morning text anymore hurts me, I had always looked forward to it.

I stayed up late at night in case you would need me or couldn’t sleep, sometimes you did.

I feel I did my best as being your partner, but if I didn’t, nothing was said regarding it.

Only I can think of your possible reasonings and maybe the possibility of you showing back up.

You did last time because you missed me too much.

Will it be the same this time?

 

April 23, 2019. 2:40 p.m.

My love is given away too carelessly. 

It's like the word basically has no meaning to it anymore. 

First it was for you, that sexy Itialian accent brought me in, it was attractive, you were attractive. Then it was the sweet words that fell from your lips. Your voice was so convincing I really thought you meant them. Wasn't sure if it was the jealousy or low self-esteem, but you cried and cried to me and left me with that last memory of you. 

Second, it was him. That long dark brown hair that almost looked black, I remembered it when I first saw you in the hallway. I thought you were handsome, and my heart fluttered every time you walked next to my presence. Too nervous to say hi to you in person, I was the one to send you that first text. It was two weeks before we decided to meet, we said to find each other at the park next to the old highschool. We talked, and talked, and talked some more. Then I put my hand in between us and you put your hand on mine. I felt like my heart was going to implode. We caressed each others hands until the goosebumps were at full extent. He took me home, introduced me to his mother and sister. We left, he took me to a stadium. It was locked, we sat on the outside of it, at the concrete dip they made at each corner. I thought I loved him. The next weekend, he came to my house. We met at the park again so I could show him to my residence. We held hands all the way there, smiled and laughed. He met my parents, didn't seem to stay long, we were too focused on going to my empty room. We were on my bed, listening to music not saying a word. Only eyes were open, directed at each others faces. He took his hand and put it on my cheek and whispered, "kiss me." That was my first kiss. He was my first everything. The only thing is, I only thought he was my first love.

Now we're down to you. All I can remember now is when we first started to text each other. We would pronounce each others names in all caps back and forth to each other, for some reason that was the start of it all. I loved your name, you said it was ordinary. The first time I heard your voice and saw your face, it was like waking up in the morning with the window shades open, being blinded by the sun. Deep voice and sharp jawline had me gooey and soft. You were a determined man, you wanted to join the army. You were hard, but also had a soft spot. A soft spot for me. I adored you, I fell over you so hard. As time passed I became more and more paranoid I liked your beating heart more than you did mine. I was correct, all my doubts came to life as you left without even giving me a single drop of reason. 

 

As I think about these men, they were the only ones I think I truely felt something for. Of course there were more, but I will not give them an ounce of words. 

I hope they keep me in their heart. Only because they're still in mine. 

 

May 2, 2019. 11:29 p.m.

 

I adore you, utterly and solemnly.

I am not distant, only filled with fear that you’ll leave my life.

 

Showing too much affection, being passionate about your existence…

It seems as if it bothers you, but it’s just me.

Cliche as always, it’s not you, it’s me.

 

Constant reassurance, needing to be told you still feel the same as you did when we first fell.

You don’t need that bothersome in your life.

I don’t want to push you away but would you rather me be a melting marshmallow than not talk at all?

Tell me now, or forever hold your peace.

 

I adore you dearly.

Most likely, I adore you more than you do me.

 

I never know, you don’t say much.

You’re playful, silly, your regular being is so immature.

But I know you are secretly mature, just not with general feelings.

 

Truely, I wish I could get into your mind, but you make it so hard.

Some make it so easy but not you.

I have to push and claw, even then, it’s really no use.

You make me feel cold, small and feeble when you talk to me the way you do.

 

The more and more I adore you, the less you seem to adore me.

May 9, 2019. 3:08 p.m.

 

It was a regular goodbye, just a quick hug and nothing more.

At least I thought that’s what it would be.

As I let go, I turned to leave back to my house before I got a text asking where I was.

And he grabbed my hand and pulled me back and kissed me, I pulled away quickly.

Not knowing what to say, a simple bye said as a question. I scurried off wanting to get away from him.

Avoidance is going to be vital at this point.

I knew he was fond of me, and I only thought of him as a friend.

I didn’t think he would ever get the balls to do that kind of thing but he did that day.

He only wishes I felt the same back but I don’t.

I’m not a mean person, just honest. If it comes down to it, I’ll say it but for now I’ll let it simmer down and hopefully resolve itself.

That way, brutal honesty will keep in and not have to do its job.

And damn, this so called brutal honesty has a smacking way to get your point across.

May 11, 2019. 8:23 p.m.

 the golden days

 

Days go by quickly, only in a matter of seconds anymore.

 

It makes you think about the other days, where I was and are now.

 

The rough patches, and better ones cross vividly through my mind.

 

My first love, my first experience to everything.

 

When that also ended in shambles.

Realizing toxicity in people, the dishonest and untrustworthy.

 

Only makes me think about the people who stayed thick and thin.

 

Finding myself, being the best I can for me.

 

Knowing only to be the best for others if they do that for me too.

 

Honesty is the best policy.

 

When I’m wrong, I admit it and know I’m wrong, if not, put up a fight.

 

Giving away my body as if it were something off a store shelf.

 

I learned, only give that away to someone if they’ve proved they’re worth it.

 

Don’t let people deceive me.

 

No matter the reason, I realize no one should have that power over me.

 

So many things have crossed through my mind the past few days.

 

Days have been going by so quickly anymore, as if I’m not even living them.

 

Reminiscing on what I’ve been through and how I’ve learned and came from it.

 

I don’t know everything in the world but I certainly know some.

 

I’m not perfect nor is anyone.

 

But I’m being the best kind of person I know how.

 

May 23, 2019. 3:12 p.m.

 The Night Before - Officially Over 

 

Storm clouds begin to move in, only signaling its about to start.

 

They’re dark, and subtle, coming in at a consistent pace.

 

As wind begins to pick up dancing through the uncut grass and leaves in the trees, rain drops start to fall and hit the ground.

 

Thunder starts to rumble as if the world is angry at us.

 

Ombre colored lightning streaks begin to make roots through the sky lighting up the black clouds.

 

Standing outside, admiring the beauty of what the world can create.

 

Also waiting to see what it can destroy.

 

Raindrops fall on my face, dripping down my cheeks cooling down my heated body.

 

Maybe, I thought, maybe it was the right time to ask.

 

Maybe everything would end up how I pictured.

 

A glimmer of hope, the bright and soothing lightning was beating down hope.

 

Foolishly, the question was asked, and was answered with an unwanted response.

 

Paranoia got the best of my mind, but it turned out everything it made me think was right.

 

Distance grew between us, we parted ways like clouds dispatch, basically becoming nothing except a clear, blue, happy sky.

 

Except, happiness wasn’t existent with us anymore.  

 

No longer happy, words were barely exchanged.

 

But tonight it was different.

 

Words were said and won’t be taken back similar to how lightning strikes the ground and does damage to whatever it seems to hit.

 

The wreckage to the earth will fix itself, the only difference, this won’t fix itself.

 

Once the storm passes, everyone will forgive the world for giving us a scare and forget about it.

 

This will just be forgotten.

 

A lost cause and nothing worth fighting for, it’s over.

 

Avoiding the truth, only because it hurt more when he said it.

 

The storm plays on, thunder rumbling and lightning continues to strike.

 

Laying in a dark room, tears falling down cheeks that contain salt and regret.

 

It’s over now, but that doesn’t stop the pain.

 

It’ll hurt, and hurt some more but soon enough it’ll get better.

 

It’s like how the Earth recovers from a terrible and frightening storm.

 

Pictures of him play in my mind, contemplating whether or not they should be deleted.

 

They’ll keep their rightful place, based on the fact nothing changes the fact I’ll miss him.

 

It was a good run.

 

Everything will be greener tomorrow.

 

It’ll smell fresh and new.

 

I’ll miss you.

 

But I hope you’re happier now.

 

Our memories and laughter feel so far away, but I remember them like they happened yesterday.

 

Thank you, Lulu.

 

June 9, 2019. 11:31 p.m.

 mistake 

 

It was a hangout, what regular friends do. The thought had crossed her mind but she was determined to not let it happen.

Things started off casually, sitting on the couch, deciding what to watch on the overrated Netflix. He sat close but she tried to disregard what his real intentions were.

The bare skin of her leg pressing up against his, not moving an inch but he was moving all over.

He picked something he liked, and she just watched not trying to be a bother.

Soon enough he hugged his arms around her waist randomly and held his head behind her back. Slowly the uncomfortable feeling crept in as he just laid there and done that to her. She eventually got up and laid down on the other side of the couch away from his grasp.

A few slow minutes of panic pass by as he got up to climb over her body to make a place right behind her. He snaked his arm around her waist as if they were a couple just casually watching TV shows together.

The thing was, they weren’t a couple and she was not interested in him at all like that.

That very fact broke his heart but it’s something that he had to accept.

But he hadn’t, and she realized that as he started to snake his hand south, caressing her bare thighs. She knew where his hand was wanting to trail, considering the fact he’s spoken on many occasions about his fondness towards her body.

She was breathing heavily because her body was giving him the exact signs that she was liking this, but in all reality she was not.

Her eyes were squeezed shut trying to pretend it was someone she actually adored and not specifically him.

It worked slightly, but then the harsh reality that it wasn’t her adored was breaking her. He had gotten to his goal of caressing her behind, as he did he was whispering off-putting comments in her ear.

Wow, he had said.

She tried to play it off and say something to turn him down, you and everyone else, she said.

He laughed at the comment and continued his wicked ways.

Are these getting in the way? He had asked directing the question at her shorts and she gently and slowly peeled them off her skin and sat them on the ground mentally unwilling.

His hands went between her thighs and was rubbing her on the outside of her panties. Her breathing got louder and her eyes were squeezed as shut as you could get them to be. Her left hand squeezed the arm of the couch wanting more, which he granted by pulling her panties aside and doing exactly what she wanted.

It was fine, she was pretending it was fine.

This is what her body wanted, and now she was thinking it’s what was needed. But, her mind keeps asking her, did it have to be him?

It echoed in her head and she opened her eyes slowly to see his face, only to make sure she wasn’t in a dream and that it wasn’t the one she loved doing this.

To her disappointment, it wasn’t him and it was the boy who got what he wanted.

She looked at him in horror and all he said was, you like that?

A quiet uh huh was moaned back as he continued and her eyes went closed again.

The rest doesn’t need explaining but the thing that does is why?

She sat in his car completely clothed waiting for him to get in and to take her home, but she held her head in immediate shame and regret.

Tears wanted to fall from her eyes but she wouldn’t allow it to alarm him that something was wrong.

He got in with a joyful smile and switched the car on.

The drive to her house was silent and shameful, at least for her it was. He parked at the end of her street and told her to text him later, while she knew secretly that, that was not going to happen. He tried to grab her hand and assumingly kiss her, but she was already out the door and had slammed it in his face.

She rushed to her home and opened the door calmly, she went to her room without giving her parents a hello and sat down on her bed.

Staring blankly at the wall she replayed what had just happened in the past hour and a half in her mind. A lone tear full of salt and regret fell from her face and dropped onto her bed.

There were no tears after that, but the only thing going through her mind was, how would she be able to face him again?

As the thought crossed her mind, she got a text from him asking if she wanted to hang out again tomorrow.

She ignored him and didn’t even think about where she would be tomorrow.

It was a horrible mistake. Regretful and shameful.

She wondered why she let the grubby hands of this boy touch her, caress her secret parts that are for a man that actually loves her.

It pains her that it wasn’t him, it makes her shameful for what she let happen.

 

For the rest of that day, she lies in bed staring at nothingness while thoughts of shame and regret go through her head. She falls asleep wishing that it wasn’t him and that it was her adored and ended up dreaming sweet dreams of him instead.

Sleep it off, she says. You’ll be fine tomorrow.

It’s the same shit, but at least the next day it’ll be easier to fake.

 

June 16, 2019. 10:09 p.m.

 finished

 

 

Words were said that needed to be told but the feeling of it being left truncated remained. Affinity was felt for you but as you began to show your true colors to the person that was me, there was then the inauguration of loathing your plain existence.

I was endeavoring the kind of person I wanted to be for you, but your toxicity made all of my effort pointless and in the end utterly useless.

Was it in your intention to injure me the ways you did? Did you always put me down to have yourself be presented as dominant and strong? Poking at the intricate arts of my insecurities, as I convinced myself, to make you feel superior about your own.

It was wicked the way you disported your games, neglecting the decisions and things that really mattered. Only to occupy yourself with the attention of people who never liked you anyways.

Portraying your carelessness into simple and distasteful symphonies, trying to prove you’ve moved on when in reality you were camouflaging your true feelings and thoughts from people like me. It doesn’t work when people can already see right through the person you really are.

Your conjectures were ridiculous, the oblviousness to how idiotic you seem when you pick fights you can never win, especially against me. Do you ever consider? Do you gather? Do you ever do anything right?

Candidly, you were never the qualities and the straightforwardness you always portrayed and said you were. You proved that to me out in the open, so obvious how you showed how fake and unloyal you really are. All you had was the simple job of being a friend. I must say, I gave up and stopped striving to be good, but you did long before I did. It was only the domino effect, you fell so I did too.

It was never enough my lectures on looking for red flags, the exercises I took, the struggle to help you achieve happiness and satisfaction was nugatory. The ignorance you showed, when I only shed light to guide you to better places. The words and personal experiences I allocated for you, only to tell you not to perform the same idiotic act I did once before. I have committed these sins, but I shared fragments of them to only prevent you from making the same mistakes I did. In the end, all of my information and words were unimportant to you, and silly mistakes were made to cause horror that I ended picking up the pieces for.

All in all, only one question remains for you that I severely want an answer to. Why were you the way you were to me? It seems as if you can sleep soundly at night knowing you caused misery to someone who was only trying to love you when no one else did. I wasn’t perfect, no one is, but it seems as if all the people who are way less perfect than me, you show more adoration for them than you ever did to me.

But soon I came to realize, all these people who claim to be your friends,  they’re just as fake as you, and that’s simply the reasoning why you think they’re there for you.

When in the real world, the second you do something they don’t like, they’ll drop you for good as if you didn’t matter to them at all.

Just as you did to me.

 

July 6, 2019. 1:42 a.m.

Shoe prints left in the mud outside in the front yard. 

Studying them, realizing it was a pace of thought. 

Was she thinking?

About what? 

 

Thank you. 

Appreciative of the thought that went into your lovely note, but no clue what to do with it now. 

Nice comments and wishes of luck were pasted onto a page, and I thank you. 

But what was the point of it? 

 

The mud will dry and the shoe prints made will become permanent until ruined with rain or car tires. 

Left behind the pace of thought, forgetting about the whole process completely as new problems and situations come to light. 

Same old, same old. 

 

Unnecessary stress, the lack of care and growing is fickle. 

Cherry picking your moments and utterly disregarding any others. 

You're not the member of this family you were chosen to be. 

 

New shoe prints will be left, not only in the mud spot in the front yard but all over town. 

As she makes her way through busy streets and quiet ones, a track, the pace of thought will begin again. 

Thinking about these new upcomings, how to deal with them and her personal feelings towards them. 

 

It came to you. 

Determined and chiseled. I loved your face. 

Don't make me fall, that would be a mistake. 

 

The process goes on and on for days, weeks, months, years. 

It never stops, it's continuing, I can predict it will forever. 

The complaints, the talking, the crying, the love, everything goes around and around in fucking circle. 

 

 

July 18, 2019. 4:29 a.m.

good luck, me

 

Eyes peeled but tired, regular sleep deprived night. 

Was she expecting it to happen again? 

Obviousness grew as she got higher and higher, only trying to see if the things that saddened her most would disappear as soon as the smoke did. 

 

Soon enough her problems were resolved, at least for a while, she stares at the dark ceiling with Lofi type music in the background. 

Floating into her own mind, memories of better times came to light and the worries went away. 

She was happy, happy to see how happy she was. 

Wish that she could just go back. 

Innocent, smart little girl that everyone loved, but grew to hate. 

 

Now labeled as a trouble maker, who is the master of telling pretty little lies, not a soul to be found right by her side. 

She was smart, she is. 

But does she even care about being smart anymore?

 

Play it cool, lay low, it'll go to plan if we're sneaky, quiet.

She climbs out the broken window screen for the millionth time this year to go meet a boy who just wants her being. 

She only does it for the cigarettes, he can do whatever he wants as long as she gets to place her lips upon one at the very least. 

 

The rest is a blur that she didn't pay much mind to. 

Only the smoke hovering over her face and the toxins that she breathes willingly into her lungs is what satisfied her.  

 

Are your bones tired? 

Must be, all that sneaking around gets pretty restless. 

Throw in the rag, its worn out just like you. 

 

Call it a night, quit talking to boys who you end up hating next week. 

Find something good instead of looking in the bad. 

All that smoke makes it hard to see. 

 

Good luck to me. 

August 14, 2019. 3:23 p.m.

 you don't bite honey, you sip it or drink it, bite, what?!

August 20, 2019. 9:59 p.m.

 

Goodbye Republic, it was a good run but I am moving on. 

Residing in a new place, fresh and new and away from you. 

I grew up here, learned a lot of things but most importantly how to be strong. 

I had my first love here, and my first heartbreak. You gave me many people, some kind, some devious that gave me the knowledge to know right from wrong. 

You gave me good memories and bad, lots and lots of pain which I’m happy to be leaving behind but part of me will keep you in my heart, because this is my hometown. 

I’ll miss what good things you gave to me, and move on from the bad, but I will not miss you, so this is goodbye.

September 5, 2019. 12:09 a.m.

 I feel relieved. 

Like i just took a fresh breath in the middle of the woods. 

A new house to reside in that is beautiful as a house could be.

The boy who you thought would never love you, turns out to love you.

The feeling of relief falls over me, as I can finally breathe. 

No feelings of paranoia around him, is he cheating on me? 

He isnt, he wouldnt, but would he? Has he?

Oh, I'm happy. 

Liars, devious, deleterious. 

Are they even gone? 

 

September 13, 2019. 11:58 a.m.

 It's amazing how people will still speak your name even though your presense is no longer near them anymore. 

Even though I have moved miles away, my name still seems to be a hot topic. 

If only I could ask you why? 

In all reality I really could but why would I?

Seems pointless at this point. 

You've been wanting to feel up my skin for who knows how long. 

Did you have to take it to this extent to make people believe you have?

How many people did you bet against saying you could?

And how many people did you tell you achieved?

Because you didn't, mister. 

I'm still untouched by your hands and only the desire of you wanting to exists along with nothing else in between. 

I find it devious for you to go to such measures to convince these ex friends of mine with this lie. 

They don't matter to me anymore, so why do I care? 

I can simply say I do because of the sole fact you are portraying a picture of me that is most definitely false. 

That's not me, it's not anymore. 

I'm not the whore you think I am. 

Not sure to why you even think that. 

You never even liked me which makes me sad to say considering you basically pleaded love to me. 

All you had was your sick desire to run your fingertips down my legs, to make me seem dirty doing these special things. 

You were a good person in my book, but now what am I supposed to define you as? 

Desperate? 

Seems about right. 

I'd rather not see you ever again if it's possible. 

You and so many others caused me pain from that place, why do you continue when you know I'm gone? 

To try and hurt me more? 

It won't work, I do not care. 

Leave it alone, stop spreading lies. 

You're just as worthless as the rest of them. 

September 23, 2019. 2:24 p.m.

 

You fell in love for the first time, with me. 

The nervousness in your chest always made me blush. 

How long had you waited to call someone yours? 

Words fell from your lips that had never fallen before, did you mean any of them? 

Those words, have fallen from mine so many times and it turned out it wasn’t meant to the right person. 

But it also turned out, they weren’t meant for you either. 

At least that’s what I’m trying to convince myself of. 

Right now, I still feel it. Those words, I meant every bit of it. 

Soon enough that might fade, but I’m still a heartbroken girl over you, for some reason. 

Is it because you were one of the best out of the many that I’ve been with? 

Do you think I’ll be one of your best too?

 

Reading back, it was subtle. 

At first, it was a casual friendship, sending memes and asking how each other is doing. 

Then the emojis started, the yellow and blue hearts, or Ikea hearts as you called them. 

It was the flirting, calling each other cute became a routine thing. 

But then, we both started to say “I love you”. And that was that. 

 

It was a friday night, the night I think I fell in love with you. 

We called for the first time, after knowing each other for 6 years. 

I’m not sure if I even told you how much I adored your voice. 

Maybe I did, but maybe not enough. 

 

I’m sitting here, reminiscing over it all. 

Writing these tiny words that probably would mean nothing to you on a page. 

I’m still sad. 

When you said it hurts me as much as it does you, was that a lie too?  

 

I never see you anymore. I never get to hear your voice again. 

I don’t get to ask how your day was. I don’t have the privilege to do any of it anymore. 

 

A part of me hopes you will come back to me one day, realizing maybe you need me afterall. 

Another part wants you to be my friend, nothing more than that. 

But the bigger part of me wants you to stay away, knowing if it didn’t work out now, how could it later?

September 30, 2019. 9:46 p.m.

 

The first time is usually the most intense and passionate. 

Another new person added under the belt, the first time is always the best. 

He holds you close, his breath in your ear while your bodies are one. 

Your nails digging into his back, making him want to go harder and faster. 

 

It’s always the first time, after that he stops trying. 

Looking only for a way to get his dick wet, I was always the answer. 

Taking advantage of the sadness in my eyes, pounding it away one thrust at a time. 

 

It’s intense, the harder he goes, the closer you get to the edge. 

Desperate for that feeling, it’s like you’re dying a little bit. 

Relief, in all ways possible. Until it’s over. 

 

He holds a cigarette in his palm, presenting it to me. 

Taking it with gratefulness and lighting it with emptiness. 

The smoke enters my lungs while the feeling sets in. 

 

Sadness fills my pores, the loneliness comes at full blast. 

Do I really have to take these measures to not feel like that for just a short while?

Ignoring my thoughts and the feelings in my stomach, I puff away at the poison stick with ease. 

 

My little routine, cigarettes and sex. 

It’s only desperation, to fill the void of belonging to someone. 

Until the one man who will fix me comes around, this is all I got. 

This is my life.

October 24, 2019. 8:58 p.m.

Tell me something I don't know. 

Go on, enlighten me about the person you think I am. 

I'm sorry I'm not everything you pictured, not perfect. If it wasn't for everything you all put me through, I'd be aye okay. 

But you already think I'm aye okay don't you? 

Is it just the fact I always try and put a smile on my face? Like a stone wall? 

Anything can get past here, fucking anything I tell you. 

I wouldn't be doing this if I wasn't thinking all the time, but that's exactly all I do anymore.

Why can't you just love me for me? 

I know I have problems that you have to deal with too, but it's the same for both of us here. 

Don't tell me I'm a burden, that I'm so ungrateful for everything done for me. 

I am more than grateful. 

I'm fucking esctatic about this life you gave to me. 

I don't love it, but I'm willing. 

Isn't that enough? 

Being careful, pulling my weight, trying to be whatever you pictured me to be. 

I try, isn't that enough? 

The good grades, the chore completion, etc etc, I could go on about everything I try and do every single living day for you. 

I feel like I'm never enough. No matter what I do. There's always something to be angry about, and I get to be the punching bag. 

Can't you all just talk to each other?

Stop handing me your unwanted secrets for me to keep somewhere in my brain. 

It scratches at the edges, begging to come out. 

All I do is rant and never get anywhere. 

Maybe it's no good. 

Maybe it's just time to accept that this is it. 

This is who I am to these people, and that's all I'll ever be. 

Nothing more, nothing less. 

Just live with them until you can finally live with yourself. 

That's a start. 

October 25, 2019. 1:20 pm.

 I'm sorry I need to write. 

I can't get you off my mind, you have been in there for a while. 

In the front, plain in view so I can always think about you. 

It's almost been a year but it feels as if I just met you. 

Like I'm totally infatuated with someone I barely know, but I know you. 

I know you but there's a lot I don't know. 

And I just wanna say, I'm willing to stay and find out. 

I feel like we could be something. 

Something simple, something intricate, something lovely. 

I wanna be something. 

As long as it's with you, I can't think of anything better. 

I hope you stick around, by the looks of it, you are. 

 

I always wonder why you like me, but I remember you telling me you wonder the same thing. 

Is what I'm thinking of the same as what you think of?

I wanna ask. I wanna be around you all the time. 

I want to feel your bare skin against mine, I wanna kiss your lips. 

God, I think I'm in love with you. 

 

Is this what it's supposed to feel like? 

I've never properly fell in love with anyone before. 

Not like this. Meaning, I've never felt this way for anyone before. 

I don't know what I'm trying to say really. 

I just can't seem to get you off my mind. 

 

I hope this isn't something short. 

I want you to be around for a while, maybe more if it comes to that. 

I wonder if you feel the same way about me. 

I hope so. I hope. 

December 2, 2019. 12:50 a.m.

 

Darkness of the night sky is even darker tonight, more clear than ever. 

Letting all it’s secrets twinkle in the sky as if it’s tired of hiding them away. 

The heart slightly visible in the background of all the twinkling lights. This part of the galaxy that we call home. 

This sky reminds my head a lot about you. 

 

Your secrets are usually hidden by the lack of darkness the moon seems to take away. 

Memories of bad experiences cloud your sparkles that appeal in this almost black like background. 

Feelings are kept behind this shield of anger, nothing seems to get through this rock solid surface. 

 

Moments, only moments it seems as if none of that exists. 

It is so clear, every part of you is visible. 

The trueness of your being, the sweetness and love that is within your heart. 

 

I can see it all, and it is so much easier to understand your solid surface. 

Your true intentions, feelings, and morals are all so clear. 

The entire slate presenting the whole truth behind the rollercoaster of your actions and opinions. 

 

All of that is worth moments like this. 

My heart enjoys your presence of whichever being you present, good or bad. 

But these are my favorite. 

 

It is a definite reminder of your feelings on the thought of my being. 

Like a breath of fresh air circulating through my mental system. 

Feels like my body could calm down from all the insecurities and over-thoughts that had gone through my brain. 

 

That night sky has always reminded me of you, ever since my new residence became this place. 

My head begs for these moments, but it is so much better not having this luxury every single day. 

I never want to take it for granted, keep it rare for me darling. 

 

Hearing your feelings of love towards me every once in a while feels so much more special than hearing it so often. 

I feel so close to you when we have these moments. 

No filter, true and utter feelings and secrets out in the open for us both to see. 

A time for us to bond and fall even deeper within each other. 

 

We have something scarce within this world today. 

I will do whatever it takes to attempt to keep it alive. 

Even though your presence will vanish for quite some time, the thought of you will not leave my heart. 

 

You are something else I must say. 

But it is exactly for me.

December 12, 2019. 1:41 a.m.

Everything seems to have changed. 

All those sweetly written words that were wrote just about you have vanished.

Nothing that I attempt to do to pull you closer works, only pushes you away if anything…

 

I know who you are, the things you enjoy, how you're private, what your life has consisted of, and your hopes and dreams. 

But I'm not very confident its important enough to know even more. 

Have you drifted away too far from me?

 

Considering how much of a light you have been for my life this past year, never do I want to say it might be for the best. 

But maybe it is. 

You still bring me joy as much as you did in the beginning, but I'm sensing heavily that it isn't the same for you anymore. 

 

I understand why you are the way you are. 

But I'm me. 

Do you know me? 

 

I'm very affectionate, talking over everything is all I do, I'm kind and empathetic, and my doubts get the best of me. 

Am I only doubting this relationship? 

Better question: are you?

 

Sitting in my bed, writing out the troubles I'm having with us, trying to process it all. 

When it should be us talking about it right now. 

I never push, I'm always thinking about your feelings. 

But it seems as if you aren't about mine. 

 

All i want is a couple sentences for clarity. 

Whether it's you breaking my heart or professing your love! 

I don't care! Just talk to me. 

 

What is it? 

Tell me now or lose me forever. 

December 23, 2019. 4:07 p.m.

 

Do you think about me a lot? If the answer is yes, what comes to mind right after?

Seems like you do and I don’t blame you. 

I think about you too. 

And I miss you. 

But all I want are answers to why you hurt me like that. 

Why you betrayed me behind my aching back. 

Just wish it were more simple, and that you were less of the way you are. 

More honest, less of a backstabber, more willing, not so much of an ignorer. 

Granted, I’m not perfect either, but at least I can admit it. 

At least I can say I’m sorry and never try to blame it on something other than me just being an asshole. 

I miss you and all, but if this is going to work, we need a long hard talk. 

Filled with honesty and truthfulness. 

That’s just me however. 

Who knows what’s swimming through your brain.

December 29, 2019. 1:03 p.m. Part 1.

 It is now the day that you were born 19 years ago. 

An unknowingly amazing person had enetered the world, and now look at you. 

You are so very dear to my heart, and I'm glad you have stayed in this unforgiving world. 

All I can say is that I love you. 

Because I do. 

It's been you this whole time, and... I don't want that to change. 

I hope we last, through anything and everything that we have to go through. 

Seems like we're doing a pretty good job if you ask me, otherwise why would we still be here with each other. 

I wish you a happy birthday, Lulu. 

Stay determind, keep going. 

Don't give up. 

 

December 29, 2019. 1:07 p.m. Part 2.

 Do you think it's bad to miss me? 

In my personal opinion, I don't think so. 

Like you said, we were best friends. 

I miss you to death from time to time. 

It was just so hard to trust you after everything. 

All I needed was closure, the truth. 

That's all I need to be satisfied, to forgive. 

Did you expect anything less, especially from me? 

I'm not one to put up with that kind of stuff. 

But I did for a long time for you because I loved you. 

I still do. 

You just made it harder and harder for me to feel like I could tell you things. 

I just didn't want to spill a secret or tell you something else so personal about me and have you tell other people whom I didn't want anything to do with. 

If you really understand what I'm saying, please let me know, why?

I just want to know why. 

And if you decide to be truthful, all of that will be put behind me. 

All I need is closure. 

You know how I am when it comes to honesty. 

 

January 5, 2020. 2:25 a.m.

 

I’m waiting for your call. 

Feels like an eternity waiting for you. 

My life seems dull without your wacky messages every single day. 

I miss it

And clearly, I miss you. 

But then, you finally call. 

I hesitate, wondering if it is going to be worth it if I answer. 

Your name, sitting there on the screen, and all I’m doing is staring at it. 

Carefully I slide my finger upwards to answer the call, and put it up to my ear to finally greet you. 

But I say nothing and neither do you. All I hear are the lonely breaths you are taking. 

Then, suddenly, three words are spoken from your mouth. 

Three words that feel so empty when you spoke them. 

“I miss you…” 

All I could do is sigh and say it right back.

“I want to see you.” 

I was hoping you would say that to me. 

I want to see you too. 

“Come see me.” 

Your wish is my command. 

 

As soon as I see you, my arms immediately get the urge to wrap around you, and that’s exactly what they did. 

You do the same, and I feel safe again. 

Embracing your warm body into mine, it feels so right.

Yet so wrong. 

We pull back enough to catch each other’s eyes, and all we do is stare. 

Until, you pull closer and put your soft lips against mine. 

Slowly and passionately, we keep our lips connected as if it were the last moments we would ever see each other again. 

Your hands reach for the bottom of my shirt, you grab a handful and gently tug upwards to peel it away from my body.  My hands follow your movements to peel your clothing away too. 

As soon as the shirts hit the floor, we immediately lock lips again, only to take our hands and explore one another’s bodies as if this was the first time we were doing so. 

Our hands travel down south to unbuckle our belts to rip them away from the grooves of our jeans. We throw them onto the floor without a second thought. 

Your fingers work their magic to unbutton and unzip my jeans swiftly, you undo your’s just as quick as you had mine. 

I turn to look around for the nearest object I could lay back on, all there was is a couch. I take your hand and pull you in the direction of this furnishing, still with our lips together. 

We finally pull away, and my chest is heavy. You put your hand on my chest and gently push me down onto the cushions, kissing away at my cheek, down to my neck and then  to my collar bone. 

As you make your precious marks with your lips upon my body, you start to pull down my jeans to expose my legs. As they get to my ankles you rip them away as if you’re tired of waiting. There goes the jeans to the pile of clothing upon the floor. 

You quickly make your way off of my body to stand straight up to take off your jeans too, and you throw them right on top of mine. 

Almost immediately, you climb back on top of me and kiss me with all the love in the world. You pull away to stare into my eyes and I’m staring back at yours, with my nails scratching at your shoulders to tell you I’m ready. 

You pull down my panties gently and ever so slowly to torture me. As soon as they leave my legs I’m fully exposed to you. 

All you did was smile down at me. 

“You’re beautiful.” 

We lock lips again as you begin to pull down your boxers. Of course you’re already ready… You pull away from me to stare at my eyes again and you grin. 

“Gabby…” You whisper. 

“I love you.” 

 

But all of this is just a dream. 

Just a horrible dream. 

That I wake up from, as soon as the word you was spoken. 

My heart jumped from my chest at the thought of you saying those words to me. 

I love you. 

It’s so strong and such a wonderful honor to be told. 

But it’s horrible. 

Knowing the painful reality that this dream will never come true. 

Of course, I can always hope, but hope like that can destroy a person. 

And it feels like it already is. 

I’m waiting for your call, still. 

Waiting patiently. 

Hoping that you will say you miss me. 

And that you want to see me. 

For now, this is all I got. 

Waiting. 

Waiting ever so patiently. 

For you. 

January 9, 2020. 1:55 a.m.

you know what i'm about to say, i can feel it within your words

will you tell me you love me too?

 

i've fallen for you

and i feel like i've fallen in love a hundred times

but this is different

 

never for so long have i felt this way about someone

i still adore you as much i did when we were just friends

 

i want to give you my heart and i want you to keep it safe

treat it like it's a diamond within your hands

 

i love you at your best

and i still love you at your worst

god, i just love you

i love you

 

January 31, 2020. 2:31 a.m.

 Your words and actions are understood but a single question still burns in the back of my head. 

Afraid to ask, more afraid he won't tell me. 

Simple but hard task to complete. 

 

I'll ask when things are good, when you're completely okay again. 

Or until you notice something is wrong. 

Either way it will come out eventually. 

 

Those kinds of things don't stay inside for very long. 

March 31, 2020. 4:09 a.m.

 My days are longer without you, but I keep my mind busy doing little things to get by. 

I'm not sure what changed in you and it seems I probably won't ever find out. 

In the long run however, this was the better option. 

You didn't make me smile anymore, nor did you make me happy. 

All there was, was anger and sadness between us. 

Every day I stayed by your side, all you did was confuse and hurt me some more. 

Maybe I did understand at one time but I'm certainly clueless now. 

It feels as if a weight has been lifted from my chest and my emotions came to a hault the minute I said farewell. 

But we'll see if you'll come crawling back to me sooner or later. 

We'll see. 

May 11, 2020. 3:02 a.m.

 I'm alive! Still fresh and well. 

I decided to write today because right now, I feel perfectly content with my life. 

Besides the fact I have a medical issue happening, everything is nice. 

I'm totally and utterly in love. 

Ever since my brother moved out, it's like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. And the family that still resides here is in perfect shape as well. 

I'm really happy, I'm in a good place. 

I just hope it lasts. 

Happy late mother's day! 

October 13, 2020. 4:46 p.m.

Many long months go by as I sit here staring at the many keys before me. 

Unsure on what part of me I should spill out into the world, so many ideas go through my mind. 

Does it even matter? 

I've convinced myself it doesn't, I'm only doing this for me. 

 

You're gone now, and soon everyone else will be too. 

I'll be all alone again with only these words and a cigarette to get me by. 

Too late now, can't go back. 

What's done is done. 

 

Can I live with that?

October 26, 2020. 6:05 p.m.

 

It never had occurred to me that I never actually said goodbye to you - I just left and didn’t even look back. 

The funny thing is, you didn’t stop me. 

 

You let me turn and walk away from you, not a spec of care was shown.

Do you know how much that hurt? 

But it was done, what’s done is done. 

 

It’s not that I regret it, I just thought I should say somewhat of a proper goodbye to you. 

To the someone that used to be it.

 

When we first met, never in my head did I think it would be you. 

It was simple and light, so very delightful to speak to you on occasion. 

Mostly because all we would do is joke. 

 

But we started to talk more often, soon enough everyday.

Then it got to where my day would be different if I hadn’t said hello to you. 

 

Feelings arose, we decided we would take it slow. 

And we went slow, oh so very slow. 

 

It was about a year and 5 months since we started dating that I thought I was in love with you. 

And I told you that. 

 

But you did not feel the same. 

Ever since then, all we have been is a weird mix of a multiple messes. 

 

We tried dating off and on, it was mostly you who kept swinging the idea around. 

Then it was just sex. 

 

Not that I minded a whole lot… 

But it felt so lonely. 

 

I didn’t feel close to you as I had once, we didn’t feel good together anymore. 

The sad part is, I tried to tell you this and all you did was throw it back in my face. 

“Don’t like it, leave.” 

 

I wanted to, so bad, that I ended up doing it. 

And the funnier part is… you came crawling right back to me. 

For the first time since I had met you, you apologized to me, for everything. 

And I thought you meant it. 

 

You said you needed me, that you couldn’t stand not having me around.

That lit up my heart in ways you could never understand. 

 

But here we are, tears in my eyes remembering all of these little things about you.

All because you can’t be honest and straight with me. 

 

It’s alright though, I am glad I met you. 

I will not forget you either, your memory will remain in my heart. 

 

I’m not sure if this is for closure, but since I left I’ve felt different. 

More sad than I usually am. 

 

I think it’s just me missing you, but I have to ignore it. 

You’re not made for me, and you made that so very clear. 

 

Just remember, goodbye means for good. 

You won’t ever see me again. 

 

So.. this is my adieu.

April 8, 2022. 5:01 p.m.

 It's been quite a while since I've written my thoughts and feelings into this book, hasn't it?

 

I was very heart broken by my last partner, and my life exploded on me.

 

Memories and unhealed trauma came back to my life and I just couldn't type. 

 

It has been very hard to express my feelings onto page, in a manner that makes sense to people.

 

I have a new partner, I've been with him for quite some time.

 

I'm not sure I'm happy however, I'm not sure this will last much longer.

 

I feel stuck. 

 

Not sure what else to do.

 

In my life, relationships, or my family. 

 

I'm kind of lost I guess I should say. 

 

I just hope I can find myself.

January 16, 2023. 4:54 p.m.

 

I need to tell you a secret.

 

Just listen for once, and don’t say anything. 

 

At the end of the year I came to a point where I thought my existence didn’t matter to anyone, how could it when it didn’t even matter to me. 

 

A zombie is what I was, waking up and just breathing throughout the day, no goal in mind, just existing. 

 

I felt so alone in my own head, thought of myself as worthless and unlovable. 

Only because I’ve been made to think that all my life, through all kinds of different people.

 

I’m not able to love myself as I should, only because I cared so much about what anyone thought of me. And everyone I ever cared about dragged my self worth down the drain, even when I thought they weren’t that kind of person. 

 

I’m not able to trust anyone, I can barely even manage trusting myself. Everyone I have entrusted my heart to has crushed it before my eyes. If any stayed to attempt to fix it, it was never the same, I could never look at them the way I did before.

 

I guess I cannot sit here and blame everyone else, because in all reality, it all lands on me, for letting these kinds of people in. Loving them when they didn’t deserve it and trusting them when they proved I couldn’t. 

 

I was contemplating how to do it, where to do it, and if I should leave any words behind, if it would have even mattered. 

 

I still feel alone to this day, that hasn’t changed much. The only difference is, I’m not alone anymore in this body. 

 

I have you now, my kin, my love and life, my child. 

 

I will stay here for you, at least, I know you will need me.

 

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 13.06.2017

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I just thought it'd be a fun and interesting idea for a book. Probably shouldn't use the word "fun".