Parent With Purpose
5 steps towards being an extraordinary parent!
Tiffany Mitchell
Chapter 1: My Story
For me I chose to become a parent about 6 months into finding out that I was pregnant. As a very young, naïve little 18 year old girl I found myself in a position that I never imagined I would be in. I’d heard the stories, seen it happen and yet I never expected that I would have been “that girl”. Now I don’t say that girl to be demeaning toward anyone who has shared in the experience of becoming a young mother. I just mean that there is a preconceived notion of what a young mother is all about that I did not want to be attached to that.
None the less my choices allowed me to be in a very scary situation. I was in my senior year of high school unsure of how the rest of my life was going to unfold. At the time I’d never really cooked my own meal, did my own laundry or was responsible enough to take on any bills. I didn’t have any way of supporting myself financially and I was struggling with trying to understand who I was. Now I was faced with the responsibility of having to raise a child. Scared, nervous, and disappointed are all feelings that overwhelmed me day after day.
I needed to find a way to lend some relief to my life and discover a way out of the dark mess that I had created. I would find myself lost in thought over the next few months trying to develop a way to take on this new life. I remembered that in school there were all this outlines that I had to follow in order to take on larger projects. I had to follow the scientific method for my science projects. I had to follow special formats for book reports. Even in entering high school I needed to chose a major and follow a program of classes that would eventually lead me to my diploma.
With no real experience in planning for big life events I followed the blueprint that I knew best. I made an outline. It’s amazing the strength you develop in your darkest of moments. I started to ask questions about who I was, who I wanted to be as a mother and what kind of life I would want for my child. I wasn’t sure of how to make these things happen I just needed to have a solid understanding as to what I was trying to do.
I looked at my own childhood and thought about what worked for me and what didn’t. I explored the relationship I had with my parents. I tried to picture this child as an adult and I thought about the beliefs, traits and values I would want him to encompass. As I continued to ask questions and develop my plan I became increasingly more comfortable with the idea of being a mom. Six months into my pregnancy I decided I wasn’t only going to have a baby but more importantly I’m was going to be a parent.
I knew I was in control of what I was creating for myself and my child. I had to make better choices, and build a better life for both of us. I wanted this baby to grow up with all the wonderful things I was blessed with and try to find a way to give him the things that I didn’t have. I wasn’t just going to be a mother because I was pregnant; I was going to be a parent on purpose! I had to love him on purpose, protect him on purpose, and provide for him on purpose. I needed to raise him up to be beautiful boy and eventually a strong man all on purpose.
Now this may seem like a very Oprah “AHA” concept of me to develop for such a young woman but understand that during the process of creating this plan for myself I didn’t really understand the depth and importance of what I was doing. I didn’t understand how much work it would take or who I would have to become make this plan happen. I didn’t understand that I was guiding myself through something bigger. There was no true understanding of the emotional and spiritual journey that having this child and following out my plan would employ. It was as, I understand it now the first whisper into the belief that my children were given to me as a divine gift. Anything that pushes you to rise up beyond a dark moment and forces you to move past your limits of circumstance is a divine moment.
I look back now grateful of the thoughts I had so long ago. I’m so blessed that although I didn’t know it, I was being transformed into something greater. I look back and see how such an undeveloped brain and heart could devise something so grand. I had created a vision for my child. It wasn’t a plan of action to keep me comfortable in undergoing this great endeavor as I’d thought. This was something divine that had swept my heart, engulfed my brain and helped me on my own journey to wholesomeness.
In knowing what I know now it is truly impossible for me now a mother of three, to know the secret to raising extraordinary children and not take the time to share it. This book is for every parent about to embark on the amazing journey through parenthood. It is for those who have already started the process but are seeking extra support. It is for parents of any age who are trying to find some new methods. It has been said time and time again that there is no manual when it comes to parenting. There is no fool proof plan on how to do it perfectly. The truth is there is you just have to write it yourself! We each have different belief systems, personality’s, experiences, and environments but the one thing we all share is the ability to grow and create.
I invite you to use these five steps to write your own manual in raising your child. Understand that I will only share with you my experiences and not make solid statements as to what technique you should use to parent your own child. I do not claim to be an expert I am still learning and growing each day. I will though, ask you hard questions that will require some deep thought. I will offer you a new perspective into what this parenting thing is all about. I invite you to learn, grow and create your own blueprint. I encourage you to not just be a parent but to parent with purpose.
Step 1- Create a Vision
When beginning something new we always start at the end. In order to accomplish anything we determine our destination first. We create a business plan prior to starting a new business. An architect designs a structure and draws up blueprints before building it. We put our destination in the GPS before starting on a journey. We pick our major prior to starting classes in college. All of the big decisions we make in life start with a goal yet we pretty much wing it when it comes to parenting.
We prepare for the fundamental things. We look for a bigger house, a better paying job, put our children on waiting lists for the best schools and even start a college funds. These things are all really great ways to prepare for being a parent but we forget a major step during this process. We need to make a plan for WHO you want them to be. How many of us set goals for the men and women these children will one day be? How many of us sit and really set a plan to develop their character? Are they prepared to both use and protect their heart? Do they understand the power that they possess over their own lives? How will they treat people?
These questions are really important parts of the preparation process. If we really take some deep thought and answering these questions we will have an easier time raising our children. Now I’m not saying that there won’t be challenges, trust me there will be. It will just make it easier to come up with solutions when you are aware of what you are trying to accomplish. As they grow the situations become greater and making decisions on how to handle conflict, confusion and everyday issues all contribute to who they will eventually develop into. The bottom line is in the process of picking the right school, creating their environment, and how involved you are in their interests and hobbies is all making a contribution to who they are becoming. So why not make these decisions with purpose. Why not create a vision!
I realize so often that as adults we are all in some way recovering from things that happened in our childhood. The environment, people, support and the actions and beliefs that we were exposed to are all playing a part in how we handle things today. We are either just moving along with the habits that were demonstrated to us or we are spending our lives trying to do things differently with our inner rebel in control. We vow “I’ll never do that when I’m older” only to find that we are exhibiting the same exact behavior unknowingly. Either way we are living our lives based on what we know. That is our past experiences. If as parents we choose from the very beginning to prepare and mold them into the type of people we want them to be maybe we will save them a little time in their adulthood. They won’t have as much to figure out and maybe they can then spend their lives offering their gifts to the world instead of trying to discover them.
This seems like a very simple task but it is a lot harder and deeper then you think. This makes the job of being a parent more complex. Once we define the type of people we want our children to become we are now accountable for our vision. The hardest part about this is we not only have to create this vision but we ourselves have to become it. We have to demonstrate in how we move, walk and talk in order for this to become real. It is impossible to preach to a child. You can say all you want to them but in the end they will become who you show them to be and not who you tell them to be.
Creating a vision for your child also takes a high level of consistency. Every decision you make from the time that they are toddlers straight through until they are adults has to be consistent with your vision. How you treat others, the people we allow to be part of their lives and the experiences we make for them all have to be consistent with this vision. We must always be aware of our behavior and willing to alter it in an effort to stay true to this vision. This is incredibly difficult. Most of us make New Year’s resolutions and by February we have already broken those promises and those are the promises we make to ourselves! The challenge really does become sticking to the vision from adolescence all the way into adulthood.
We have to think clearly and remain aware because we may be making choices that are not aligned with that vision and not even know it. For example we tell our children nothing is impossible. We tell them they can do anything they set their mind to. When they come up with an idea, out of fear or the belief in our society’s rules we tell them they can’t. Those of us who believe we are very supportive parents unknowingly destroy the spirits of our little dreamers when we give them the list. You know that list we are all taught to follow.
If your eight year old came up to you and said “Mom, I want to start a clothing line” most would respond with great! Go to school, get and education, study fashion then after you received a degree, try to get a job at a fashion company and work your way up. However what if we chose to tell that same eight year old ok let’s do it! How many of us would allow her to make sketches and help to actually make it happen? Would we really go to the wholesale places get materials and sow them and bring their visions to life? Why is that? Is it because they’re too young to know what they want or is it because you are too busy to help them to execute their plan.
Now I can’t guarantee that is the moment when she becomes the top designer in the world dressing the models on the runway but I will say that by doing this you will have shown her, her own power. You will have given her a real belief in her dreams. You will have demonstrated the true belief that anything is possible and you will have granted her the support, encouragement and confidence she needs so when she does decide to pursue something she knows it’s really possible. She also knows that she can count on you to be there for support and encouragement.
We need to raise our children to be confident conquers and not wounded dreamers. We need to have a world of adults, leaders, and mentors that aren’t afraid to live their true purpose. They may be little people but they have big ideas, and beautiful minds. They are fearless and truthful beings that have something to offer this world. We don’t have the right to stand in their way or distract them with the rules we have created to be successful. They were created to be extraordinary people. To be a true supporter of their heart, mind, and spirit in this special way is when we have truly made the choice to parent with purpose. We must create a vision for them and we must do so selflessly.
Creating a vision is something that takes time and real focus. If we are going to stay true to this vision throughout their lives, then our vision has to be created clearly and with extreme thought. Think about yourself and all the parts of your life that you struggle with. Think about how those things came to be. Become aware of the parts that you really like about you and the parts you struggle with. You have to be mindful of the person you are molding them to be in the most selfless way possible. This is not about you putting your desires on to them and brainwashing their minds to achieve the things you didn’t. Creating the vision is about the TYPE of person you want them to be.
Here are some that are important ones you may like to add to your vision.
Confidence: Confidence in self is truly crucial for everyone. The lack of it invites confusion and poor decision making. It limits how far you can go to accomplish your dreams. This also leads to unhealthy relationships through life. There must be a real understanding, appreciation and love of self.
Confidence is very hard to teach especially as a child because of the outside factors. There are so many circumstances that contribute to holes in confidence. If families are divided where a parent is outside of the home it can create a hole. Adding new siblings creates a hole. Whether they are the oldest child vying for attention when a new baby comes, or a middle child seeking their place a little hole is made in their confidence.
As children turn into teenagers they are surrounded by peer pressure. The struggle with wanting to fit in also creates holes in their confidence. It is no wonder why we as adults tend to have these empty spaces. This is why we struggle so much in adulthood. We live a life where we obtain holes based on our circumstances and we end up spending a lot of our lives trying to fill them.
It is impossible to think that a child is going to go through life and that you can protect and prevent them from ever having to go through these types of situations. You just can’t. You can however make sure you are aware of these defining moments and address them appropriately. Reassurance of self has to be offered. They need to know they are special and important part of the family. They must never be used as a bargaining chip or weapon when problems arise in the home. Each child needs to have their own special relationship with each parent. This needs to be consistent. The most important part of building confidence is demonstrating it.
Love: Love is a BIG thing to teach and by far the most important thing you can teach your children. We sometime believe that because we genuinely love our children that we are teaching them love but there is another piece of the puzzle. We tend to be judgmental and conditional with the way we love outside of our children and therefore we easily contradict ourselves. We cannot just have love for our children we also have to extend it to everyone around us. We have to be aware of how we communicate ourselves to each and every one we come in contact with. Think about what your parents taught you about love. How did they express it to you and how did they interact with each other. How did they treat each other during disagreements? How did they treat people outside of the home whether it was friends, family or strangers? The behaviors that they participated in whether they were good or bad contributed to the way that you go about all your relationships as well as your overall outlook on people. Just as your parents contributed to your emotional behavior and/or beliefs your behavior will contribute to your children’s.
Each and every thing you do and say is helping to shape the person your children will become. Understand that with or without any conversation you are always communicating your thoughts, beliefs and ideas. You must use this as an opportunity to question how you view love, uncover any misconceptions, and heal and parts of you that you need to so that you can create a solid foundation for your child. You want to create a loving environment where everyone is affectionate, compassionate, forgiving and understanding of each other. You have to embrace all others as well despite differences in culture, gender or belief systems. How you treat the cashier at the store, your mother in law, the homeless person on the street or the person in the car next to you that just cut you off is all making a contribution to their beliefs on love.
It may seem as though they are not connected but as soon as you are not compassionate to someone outside of the home you are choosing to teach conditional love when real love has no conditions. We all are more alike than we are different and it is important to embrace our similarities rather than our differences. Now that doesn’t mean that you have to hug and profess your love to every person you meet but it does mean that you are accountable for how you treat people. It means that you have a responsibility to respect people despite where they are in their own evolutionary process. Those that are not in line with your thoughts, behaviors and beliefs are not subject to bashing and judgment but rather compassion and a willingness to understand them. You must have the understanding that the circumstances that surrounds them have contributed to their behavior just as yours has. You can respectfully walk away and/or distance yourself with well wishes in the hopes that they will one day find their own way.
Love of self is just as important as showing love towards others. There is no way that you can be insecure and teach confidence. There is no way that you can teach your children to embrace their individuality if you don’t embrace yours. The way you talk about yourself teaches them not only about how to view you but how to view themselves. They were created by you and if you dislike, degrade, or demean yourself you teach them they have nothing to value. Disrespecting yourself by who you allow in your life, how you treat your body, and what you say to yourself are all defining ideas that you express to your child who they are. Understand that Love is the most important part of what you teach your children and it sets the tone for everything else.
Individuality:
Individuality is a very important to embrace. Everyone is completely different with different views, desires, likes, and dislikes (even your identical twins). You must allow your child to embrace their individuality. They must become comfortable with who they are and be willing to protect it. This means that you have to praise and work with their personality. You have to be devoted to helping them become who they were meant to be. Allow them to show you who they are. Your job is to guide them into helping them become the best part of themselves.
This means that your own wants for them outside of the type of people you help them to become are not useful or important. You have to throw out all the preconceived notions of what job you want them to have and the type of relationships you want them to be a part of . Parents should not try to live their unfulfilled dreams out through their children. There shouldn’t be any pressure on the child to do anything other than to be themselves. Despite what they show you about who they are, they must be fully embraced even if it is the total opposite of what you wanted them to be. Your expectations should be high in that you have raised them to be loving, productive members of society who have something to offer the world. You should not be the creating a list of requirements that they must follow in order to be accepted by you.
They may grow up and have romantic ties with someone who you don’t understand, grow to have different religious beliefs, or choose a profession in which you do not agree with and/or have a lifestyle that is different than yours. These are not reasons to be ashamed or angry with the choices. These decisions should be celebrated and at the very least respected. By doing you can rest easy knowing that you have been doing your job of making a comfortable environment where they are free to be themselves. Furthermore it means that you have allowed yourself to be open to the idea that their purpose and journey is different than your own.
Fearlessness: Fear is something that changes throughout different stages of growth. As a baby loud noises or different people can be scary. As a toddler there is a belief that everything is possible and fun. They jump off furniture and believe they can fly. Then they become teenagers and the fear creeps back in when they experience the discomfort or worry of not fitting in. Fear has to be addressed in each and every one of these phases.
As a baby we have to nurture and teach trust. We have to allow them to trust that you will protect them when entering unknown situations. Listen to their signals but also ensure them of their safety. When they have become little risk takers and are exploring the world through their imagination help them. Play along with them to make sure they never lose the desire to dream and imagine. Discipline with intention of teaching a better way to do things and not through fear. Fear of you will never guide them. It will instead stunt their growth and create an unhealthy level of communication. As they become older again remind them of how special they are daily. Remind them of the importance of being their authentic self. Fear of not being themselves should outweigh the fear of not fitting in.
There are several traits that can be included in creating a vision for your child. These are the ones that we as adults tend to struggle with the most and therefore we should begin talking about them as early as possible. These are also the parts that we need to be focusing on in order for us to have a more fulfilling life. We have to take care of ourselves so that we can take better care of our children. Remember that you cannot give what you do not have. Growing constantly is necessary so that we have more to offer. We must always be aware of the decisions we are making and choose to always evaluate ourselves to ensure that we are positive demonstrations. We have to hold ourselves accountable for the times we aren’t being those positive demonstrations and be willing to adjust our behaviors. Growing together will create a happy, rewarding and healthy family.
Step 2- Use Your Words
Communication is key! We have heard this over and over. It really is the most important aspect of all relationships. Interesting enough some of the biggest complaints of our children regarding their parents are “They don’t listen to me” or “I can’t talk to my parents”. This has to be the main basis of your relationship with you children. There has to be an exchange of information about all things at all times. There needs to be a level of trust established and you have to learn to pick your battles. It’s time to take your ego out of parenting and establish a real relationship.
A parent is everything to their child. They are the chef, chauffeur, maid, counselor, dance partner, fan and their friend. You do want to develop a close and appropriate friendship with your child so that you can better understand each other. As with all things nothing in excess is healthy so you do want to make sure the friendship you are creating is appropriate. You want to be able to have a relationship where you can sit down and discuss important issues. You want to be able to be a good resource of information and advice. You also want to really know who your child is. This is important when making decisions. You want to be fully aware of their strengths and weaknesses so that you can help them navigate their way through life. Developing a friendship as part of your relationship will allow you to do this. Friendship is a great part of your relationship to invest in as long as it is only a part of the relationship and not the core of it. You do have make sure you have appropriate boundaries. This friendship is to help keep open communication only.
There is a generational gap and therefore a real difference in the way that things are done. As time goes on things change, technology develops and the perspective of society shifts. However a lot of the same beliefs and mistakes that you made while you were a child you see your child repeating. It is important to close that gap of misunderstanding. Share your own experiences with your children. When you share your experiences and lessons you offer a real sense of understanding and closeness. They will begin to realize that you really do understand them and will start to trust your advice or at least take it into consideration when it’s time for them to make tough decisions. As much as children do not want to admit that you have a deep influence on how they do things the truth is you do. Your stories will stand out in their minds. Your words and voice will play in their heads. You just want to make sure that your words are a resource that they can trust in.
When an open line of communication is established from the very beginning there is no “big talk” to conquer. There are no moments of awkwardness during important conversations such as talks about drugs and sex. Instead questions and conversations will just naturally happen. You can offer your input and guidance in the best and most appropriate way possible. There really isn’t anything that you cannot talk to your children about. There should never be a topic that is off limits regardless of what the age. You just have to be willing to make sure that you are addressing things in the way that is most appropriate for your child at that time. Use your conversations to help them to develop an understanding of different situations and be as completely honest.
The most important gift you can offer your children is truthfulness. When establishing a relationship that has a really great level of communication you want to make sure that you have a real trust for one another.
You want to make sure that the information that you are sharing with them and the advice you are offering to them is something that they can believe in. If they find out that you have in any way spoke false truths then they lose trust in your words.
Another important factor in establishing a trusting and communication based relationship is your reaction. If you want to really have an open and honest relationship with your children you have to understand and accept that what they say is not always going to be something you want to hear. They may have participated in a behavior that you dislike and disagree with or they may share with you their opinions and thoughts about something that are opposite of your own. You are going to have to accept that they are their own individuals, with their own perspectives and set of experiences that are shaping who they are. You cannot get upset, yell, and punish them for every behavior and/or opinion that is not your own. Everything has to be addressed but it should be addressed in a appropriate manner that offers guidance but also allows the line of communication to be maintained. This will be a very difficult thing to balance especially during the teenage years but it is worth the patience.
Always keep your vision in mind. Ask yourself what you intend for them to learn based on what they have shared with you. Calmly address the situation accordingly. They are going to make mistakes just as you did, have bad judgment at times just as you did and learn some hard lessons just as you did. Offer them consequences that are appropriate and assure them through both your words and actions that they can confide in you.
Learning to pick your battles is essential. There are times when your action is going to be required. If they are making choices that could affect their, health, well-being or safety yes it is necessary to address and create boundaries and consequences. Understand that not everything will require this level of guidance. There are times when you need to have just a conversation with them where you advice and suggestions can be offered in a calm and understanding way. There are other times where a behavior may not need anything other than an acknowledgement that you hear them. Pick you battles wisely. Choosing to react to every little thing that is said can create an uncomfortable environment and limit the ability to build a healthy communicative relationship.
An example of action response would be if your child comes to you and shares with you that he/she bullied another child. This is not a behavior that is acceptable or should be tolerated. An explanation needs to be given as to why this behavior is unacceptable, a consequence such as making them apologize would be necessary. Then set up further consequences and understanding as to what would happen if the behavior should happen again.
A response that needs to be addressed but doesn’t need any type of action on your part would be if your child came home and shared that they had a crush on a classmate. Now although you insides may cringe at the thought of this you must remember it is a natural feeling to have admiration towards other person. It is natural to be attracted to someone due to their looks, or personality. It is not the end of the world!
You do need to address this and make sure you are both clear about whatever rules you have established regarding this issue. It would be a perfect time to discuss the dating age and the type of behavior that is accepted whether they are of dating age or not. You can also use this time to both talk about and demonstrate how people should be treated and what types of behaviors should be accepted from people that they are in a relationship with. Other than those types of discussions there is no real action that is needed. Don’t lock your daughters away and don’t punish, tease or communicate that this type of behavior is wrong. Just guide them according to your house rules and make sure that they understand that it is perfectly normal to have those types of feelings.
When you have this kind of openness they will be more comfortable with coming to you. They will learn to respect your opinion and seek your guidance through all of their challenges. This is a great foundation for a trusting relationship. In the event that they may be moving in the wrong direction you really have the opportunity to know ahead of time and help them through things rather than finding out about things when it’s too late.
Use everyday situations to address and open up the discussion about big issues. There are so many things that we come into contact with while going about a routine day that can really assist and open up the door for a conversation about things. Always take the initiative to address your beliefs and values despite the age. Communicate all day, all the time. It will after awhile become second nature not only for you to discuss important situations and enforce the values and morals but it will also become second nature for them to come to you with their experience. A value in the exchange of information is created and the new level of understanding and closeness is developed.
If a program is on television and you see someone handling a situation wrong in a movie you can say that behavior is not appropriate and this is why. You see an ad about drugs you can explain the effects that drugs can have on someone. Everything around you is a tool for teaching. Whether it is situations, family circumstances or just things that may be observed on television offer you a new topic for discussion. It allows you to address and restate your position on things.
It is important that when using these outside learning tools that you talk about it using conversational talk and not lecture talk. You don’t want to make your kids feel as though they are being lectured to about things they don’t even have an attachment too. You want to just speak in a way that addresses what is in front of you. A really great way to do this is to let them take the lead on the conversation. This allows you to see where they really are on things. Your children are a lot smarter then you may think. They will surprise you with the level of understanding they have about life and everyday situations. One way to see this is to ask them questions. For example if you see someone’s outside acting inappropriately you can ask “what you think about how they handled it?” Their answer will give you a deeper understanding on how they perceive things and offer you the opportunity to correct or validate their beliefs.
Allowing them to navigate through the conversations based on your questions will also allow for an age appropriate conversation. You will know at what level they are so that you do not divulge more information then what is needed at that time.
Understand that you can talk about anything at every age it just has to be appropriate for their level of understanding. If a very young child hears the word drugs or sees someone who is very visibly affected by drugs. You can just say drugs are things that make you very sick. It’s simple and age appropriate but they know from a very early age that drugs are not something they want to come in contact with. As they get older you can continue to offer them more information on the subject until the time comes when you can have a full conversation on it. By that time comes you had already built up somewhat of an understanding as to what it is. You also have done the work on developing an open conversation that there really is no uneasiness in having hard conversations.
It is really important that during your discussion you talk in a way that reserves judgment of others. Do not forget that we are always working on demonstrating a loving attitude toward people. Do not let your passion for what you are trying to protect them from have layers of judgment within your teachings. You really just want them to make good choices and help them to become amazing people you do not want to degrade or sacrifice other people to accomplish this.
One last thing to keep in mind in developing open communication with your child is that both parents want to have somewhat of a shared perspective on moral issues and those issues that are attached to creating value. The main idea of who you want them to become has to be shared. Communication with parents about the different issues that may arise is just as important. Now it is impossible for both parents to agree on everything all the time. You should try and have important discussions parents prior to discussing big issues. You want to make sure that your child does not have conflicting views on moral issues. Both parents should be able to come together to develop a real solid set of beliefs that they would like their children to have. This way there is no dispute after or during the time that the issue is being addressed with the child. Both have you have to come up with a plan that works best for yourselves and the child.
Step 3- Reinforce with Intention
Being a parent can be very challenging. Individuals of all ages make mistakes based off of limited knowledge or understanding. We also each push our limits at some point testing how far we can go. As with all things for every action there is a reaction. Children do not always understand this but is our job to help them to do so in an effort to protect them. Have you ever thought of what your punishment is really teaching your child?
An adult mind has a different set of reasoning based off of past experiences. We are able to have a deeper understanding of what works and what doesn’t. We know what is dangerous and unhealthy and we have developed a very logical and solid understanding of how to conduct ourselves on a daily basis. Your children have not. They have a few years of experiences. Children are also still developing parts of their brain and so every situation is contributing to that development. They are at the entry level and have yet to really discover the dangers. How you think in your adult life is completely different then how you would perceive a situation as a child. Between you and your child there are two sets of lenses that are seeing the world.
What is your intention when you are punishing your child? Is it to make sure that whatever they may be doing at that moment they never do it again or are you REALLY using this as an opportunity to teach them why the behavior is unacceptable. Are we really showing them why certain behaviors are unacceptable and doing so in such a way that they truly understand it. There has to be a real intention to teach and guide your child. Once you choose that intention the punishments that you give will have a deeper meaning to both of you. They will become better for it and you will feel better and less stressed because you are adding value to their lives even in the most chaotic of moments.
One thing that you have to recognize is what does work and what doesn’t. Of course as previously stated children are going to push the limits (and your nerves) but if you are offering the same punishment and the same behavior continues then it’s safe to say its not working. You are only becoming more frustrated and impatient and so is your child. In the end there is a lot of stress and no learning. There are a few sets of discipline or learning techniques that have been used over time that seem to have a very low level of effectiveness. Now of course children are in the learning stage and they do have to be told the same thing repeatedly before they get it. You just have to be sure that the intended message, and lesson you are teaching is the actual message you they are receiving.
There are many different approaches that have been used throughout time that we just continue to use and never really question. We have to learn to question everything. Deciding to be a parent is not something that you can commit to and be lazy. There is real work involved. Evaluate everything you are doing. When you are disciplining your child make sure that what you are doing is 1-working and 2- aligned with your intention. Every situation should be a conscious decision and a conscious awareness as to what you intend for your child to learn.
Some things we have been doing for years just don’t align with those intentions for example, the” because I said so” approach. Most of us have heard this line spewed from our parent’s mouth at some point in our lives. As a parent it is a quick way to stop whatever behavior is going on at that moment and offers relief from the situation without having to go into a long explanation of why. As we know with children the “Why” is a never ending question. This approach is only effective if it is followed up with a real explanation in an effort to bring understanding of why the behavior is inappropriate. If “because I said so” is the only input you have for a situation, you do not help your child to develop reasoning as to why this behavior doesn’t work.
We want our children to trust what we say but we do not want that to be the only way in which they learn. They have to be able to understand how to act when you aren’t around. At some point you are not going to be directly in front of them. They will be at a friend’s house or off at school and they will have to know how to behave in the proper way. They will have to be able to develop on their own, ways to handle new situations. “Because I said so” will eliminate the ability to do this. They do not need your voice in their head to tell them right from wrong they need your guidance in discovering and developing their own reasoning. They need to learn to develop their own voice. This way they can develop their own understanding, decision making skills that they can trust in and eventually rely on as they become adults.
Let’s say that you are walking through the supermarket and your child grabs a pack of cookies and after you’ve already said no to purchasing them they throw their little tantrum. Whether begging and pleading or crying they ask over and over “why can’t I have these cookies”? This is an ideal “Because I said so moment”. You are frustrated, ready to finish at the store and let’s face it a little embarrassed that your child isn’t behaving at his best. If you choose not to address the reason why your child can not have these cookies you do not offer the opportunity to develop his best reasoning skills in the future. Your child may feel unacknowledged which over time and throughout many different situations can create a communication barrier. A better way of addressing this could be “The answer is no and that is not going to change, Trust me. We can discuss this further later on.
Now I understand that some parents maybe look at that is roll their eyes and say pssh…I’m the parent and they better listen to me period! Well that belief that no explanation is needed is very traditional but it’s time to take your ego out of parenting. It’s time to choose to make a special relationship with your children. You are the parent and the primary decision maker and they know this already there is no need to wave a flag and remind them every chance you get. If your focus is on teaching, understanding, developing good decision making skills and creating a trusting relationship then this approach does not help to do so.
Providing a different type of response somewhat like the one suggested above helps to bring relief to the situation. Reminding your child to trust you allows remembering that you do know what you are talking about and they can rely on your decisions. It offers them understanding in knowing that although they do not understand why this is the appropriate decision right now they will find out soon enough. Staying true with your strong No allows structure and a belief in when you say no that you actually mean it.
Then follow up with the conversation as you promised. In the most appropriate way possible give them a clear understanding as to why the answer was no. Maybe the answer was no because you were choosing to make better and more healthy eating habits. This provides the opportunity for child to discover that healthy eating doesn’t include cookies. It offers you the chance to show them what does fall into the healthy eating category. Next time while in the supermarket you can choose to say now you can get those cookies as a treat because we’ve been eating healthy or you can include them into the process of choosing healthier options thus avoiding the tantrum!
Another approach that is very common is disciplining through physical contact. This is an issue that has been talked about for years. Everyone seems to have a different opinion but whatever the opinion is we seem to have a very strong belief into one side or the other. Spanking is difficult because there are very thin lines as to what abusive behavior is and what isn’t. It is believed that if you are using something like a belt, shoe or switch that you are being overly abusive because you are using a weapon. Some use just their hands but can be too aggressive or even hit multiple times which can lead to one time to many. It is important to think and be aware of the reasoning behind it. What is the intention of this type of discipline? What is the child really getting out of it? Is it creating the type of environment that you want? Is there a better way of achieving this?
Most people choose a form a disciple that they themselves were accustomed to growing up. This doesn’t mean that it is effective nor does it mean it worked. You have the opportunity to choose something different. If your only reasoning for using a particular punishment is because that’s how you grew up then it is time to reevaluate what you are doing.
Adults tend to have the belief that because they’ve grown up, and have their own job, home and family that whatever their parents did must have worked. This is not true at all. You may have all of those things despite what you were taught or despite what difficulties you’ve been through. Just because you are here and breathing it doesn’t mean that you are doing everything right nor does it mean you survived it. All that it just means you are privileged with the opportunity to do more. You get to live more, grow more, share more and become more as humans and as parents.
We all have things that contributed to the best and the worst parts of us. You could still be carrying those things around with you. That old saying what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger is not always true. Sometimes pieces of us were killed and we are just walking around living our lives carrying around the parts of that are dead or wounded. We are each dealing with things such as anger, disappointment, abuse, judgment, and abandonment issues. The things that you are dealing with are the ones that were not healed. We carry all this stuff with us and make a life with them. These are the very issues that affect us at work, with friends and in our relationships. So why do you think they wouldn’t become issues in parenting. Why do we work on communication and develop practices to keep a healthy marriage and business relationships and yet parent without doing the same thing.
If you realize that what your parents did didn’t work then accept that, understand that they did the best they could. They did what they thought was best. You have the great opportunity of choosing to do things differently. You are accountable for who your children become. Choose to open yourself up and find a new perspective on punishments and disciplines.
When you have a clear intention of what you are choosing to teach you will find that a lot of the ways we’ve been doing things do not align with those intentions. Old school and more traditional techniques aren’t always the best but maybe the only way those before you knew how to do them. “If someone was to jump off of a bridge does that mean you do it?” We teach that motto to our kids in an effort to explain to them that they have the right and reasonability to make choices based off of their own intellect and not by someone else’s. Yet we parent using the techniques of others and we don’t question whether they work or not. We have to do the work. We have to evaluate our behaviors and develop new ways of doing things that actually work.
Chapter 4- Reserve your Superpower
The moment we become parents we suddenly transform in to this extraterrestrial being. We have extra arms and legs. Our brains start to work double time thinking and creating new ways of handling situations and getting things done. We go from sleeping in on a Saturday morning recovering from the weeks (or nights) events to waking up cleaning, running errands and cooking a full breakfast before most have even opened their eyes. We are able to juggle various tasks. We complete several projects without even thinking twice about the effort it would take. Somehow we become more motivated and able to do the impossible.
The only issue with this is that we exhaust this super power with the thought that just because we can do it all, we should. These powers weren’t given to us to abuse. These powers were given to us as a resource just in case the time comes when we really are the last man standing. Choosing to do it all on your own is unhealthy for both you and your children. We all want to be superhero parents. We want the comfort of knowing that we have the ability to handle all things by ourselves. It’s our safety net. We know that if anything was to ever go wrong that we alone can get the job done. We also feel a sense of pride in the knowing that the people we are responsible for are taken care of solely because of us.
Yet again we have to take our ego out of parenting. We can’t do it all by ourselves. You can be the best parent in the world and have the best intentions but you will tire yourself out, and disappoint yourself thinking you have to do it all. It is really hard to ask for help especially when it comes to your kids. They are however your kids! You really need to make time for yourself to rest and nurture you! Then when needed, you can rely on your superpowers!
We have to learn to utilize the other resources we have around us. We have to work with the teachers, coaches, family, and friends. We need to build a support system with like minded people. This allows us the opportunity to breathe and to really enjoy our time being parents. We want to savor the moments we have with our children and be able to be present while they are growing. We miss out on the little moments because we are way too exhausted trying to handle everything on our own.
Make some guilt free time for yourself. You cannot give what you do not have. Taking the time to rest your mind and your legs will give you that much more to offer your children. It can be a 10 minute coffee break, an early morning jog or curling up at night watching movies. There will always be more cleaning, another event to prepare for, and another phone call to be made. You have to take a little piece of time for you that doesn’t focus on being a parent. Just one small piece of your day away will allow you to refresh yourself. Your superpowers will become sharper and you will be able to offer more.
If you are going through some challenging times ask for help. You won’t always have all the answers and that is ok. It really does take a village to raise a child. Keep in mind the issues you are having are not new. You are not the only parent in the world who is going through or who has gone through your situation. There is an unlimited amount of resources you just have to seek help. You can include people you know that will support both your ideas and vision for your child. Adding close friends or family who may be dealing with similar challenges can be be helpful. You will have support on handling things and you may find that they have some great ideas in helping you create some relief to your situations. Do not be afraid to be honest about the challenges you are dealing with the people who love and care about. A lot of times there are family members around you who are able to influence your child in a positive way. It is often a great reinforcement tool for the child when someone else that they trust outside of their parents offers them the same advice. They may even be offer a different perspective that your child may find easier to understand.
It is also a really good idea to involve you children in activities that they find interest in and to surround them with people and other children who are being raised the same way you are raising your child. Teachers, coaches and mentors who regularly dedicate their time to activities with your kids tend to have a lot to offer. They have dealt with an array of challenges over the years and can really be a useful resource in helping you. Inform these important individuals of areas where you may need assistance. They may even be able to help your child develop confidence, or assist with social issues. There may be some tactics that they can incorporate in their routines that can offer some help to your child. Communicate your intentions and see what they suggest. If your child is receiving the same message in every environment they are placed in they will eventually adapt those beliefs.
If there is an issue that goes beyond what you or their mentors can do and you need a professional that is ok too. Some children may need individual counseling, tutoring or healthcare professionals to help with behavior, trouble with learning or with emotions. This does not in any way mean that you have failed as a parent or what you are doing isn’t working. It just means that your child may need a little more assistance. You have done a great job and sometimes part of be a parent is accepting that you need some help.
Despite the avenue you choose to gain assistance from develop a really healthy relationship with your children’s school and teachers. Children spend the majority of their week in school and you want need to be involved with the staff as much as possible. It is sometimes hard especially working moms to be on the PTA or to attend all daytime events but that doesn’t mean you cannot have a great relationship with the teachers.
Make sure that at the beginning of the school year that you establish a good rapport with the teacher. Introduce yourself on the first day either in person or through note. Express your willingness to work together with them in an effort to have a successful year. Offer them various ways to contact you so that you can find a mode of communication that works best for the both of you. Check in often on your child’s performance and ask if there is anything at home that you could be doing to assist in the academic success of your child. Share some things with them that you do at home and their teacher may be able to include those things in their classroom.
In addition you can also check and see if the school as a website that you can keep track of important events. Also have a good idea of how the classroom works. Be aware of the routine of the class, when they have gym, art, or computer classes. How is the homework assigned each night and what days are testing days. This will help you stay more in the know of what your child is up to during the day. It will also assist in developing good communication with your child. You can say hey its Thursday you had gym today what did you play. Your child will be happy that you have an interest in their day and it will offer you more opportunity for conversation.
Create a good team around your children so that they are always safe and surrounded by a group of positive people that can help them get through the many stages of their growth. Success in carrying out that vision is the only option. Get the support you need to do that effectively.
Chapter 5- Remove Your Ego
Throughout this book I have mentioned several times that the ego is not needed in parenting. I truly believe that this is a blockage that will hinder the success of what you are trying to accomplish as a parent. You may be taller, older and more experienced but do not take your position for granted. You are here to protect and guide them but that does not mean that you have all the answers. Remember that you are just a consultant to their minds but in the end they have their own lives to live. They have their own purpose and their own set of lessons they must learn. Also keep in mind that you can learn just as much from them as they can learn from you.
You must keep a close eye on who they really are. Allow them to show you through their own personality. Become involved in their interests and try and understand why they are so drawn to them. Embrace the little parts of who they are that make them individuals. You must really take the time to understand that although the come from you they are separate from you. Be involved in their lives without swaying their beliefs. Hear them out. They have majestic minds that understand and believe in ideas and they see life in very special way.
Your experiences have molded you and as a result you have become more wise and able to share your lessons. Also understand that through your experiences and growth you may have detached from your own belief in miracles. Children have a way of believing in the impossible. They are only curbed by the rules we set for them. They go against the grain often and tend to test out these rules. We have to remember to do the same. Our children are here to remind us of this. I’m not saying that we should be reckless in our decision making but we do need to live a little more fearlessly. We do need to test our limits. We have to believe in the impossible. When we take our ego out of parenting we set free our belief in our own superiority and allow our beliefs to expand. Making us better more fulfilled people. We then in return can become greater demonstrators to our children. It’s a beautiful exchange of continues learning, growing and living life brilliantly.
When we take the ego out of parenting we also develop a better connection to our children. The relationship becomes stronger and grows throughout the years. We relinquish the fear that they may have to talk and interact with us. For us we become more open to their world and develop a new understanding of life. We must not choose fear to be teaching tool nor a motivator.
Removing our ego also invites us with the opportunity to allow them to take the reins in their own life. Tight grips usually suffocate relationships and people. The ego keeps us attached to our own way of thinking out of fear that they will get it wrong. The ego feeds our own belief that we ourselves can see their lives clearer then they can see their own.
Throughout your years of parenting you will be undergoing a multitude of changes in your relationships as well as a lot of lessons. The hardest one of all is letting go. These are your babies your precious little angles that you watched grow over the years and you want to protect, love and keep them as close as possible forever but that is just not what they need and you have to be prepared to learn that.
As they get older you will grow through a lot of little milestones that can at times be difficult some a lot more for you then for them. There first day at preschool or daycare is a moment that most parents have a really difficult time with. It doesn’t matter how great the school is, or how much you have prepared them. The thought of leaving them alone without your supervision and guidance is one of the hardest things. As they get older those moments get bigger from their first sleepover at friend’s house to spending a weekend with grandma away from home. It seems like there is always a new hump to get over. One of the biggest ones is sending them off to college which is bitter sweet. You are overjoyed with their accomplishment and yet sad that they are making a transition into adulthood.
Remember that you are and have been an amazing parent. Letting them experience these milestones is proof that you are doing your job. They will be ok because you prepared them for everything. You had a vision, you stuck with it and they have a lifetime of lessons that will carry them through the next phase of their lives. Most importantly you established such a great level of communication over the years that they now can call and talk to you knowing and trusting in your advice.
Understand that there are several points in their life where you are going to have to adjust your relationship . You have to accept that you will go from being their everything to just their admirer and supporter. There are times where you are going to have to stand back and allow them to live, and experience life for themselves. It may not always be easy but it is necessary. If you have removed your ego then this process will be a lot easier for the both of you. You will have the opportunity to truly enjoy your journey together.
A letter to my boys...
My dearest loves,
I love you. It is truly an honor and a privilege to be your mother. You are my greatest gifts. You are my greatest blessings. There are a number of things I learned from being your mother. I can only hope that I have made a positive impact on your life because you have certainly done so for me. I hope that as you grow more into yourselves that you will look at me as a valuable contribution to your becoming. You have made me a better woman, friend and daughter. It is through you that I see how great life can be. You guys are so AMAZING!!
The most important lesson I’ve learned is that you were here to teach me more then I was here to teach you. With every relationship there is an exchange of experience and knowing. Awareness brings this out. I had to stop and really pay attention so that I did not miss out on the greatest part of being your mom, my ticket to my undiscovered life. I realize that I had gotten so caught up in the way this world works that I’d forgotten about the deeper parts of myself. You were put here to remind me of what’s important. I used to think that because I was the adult that I had the power in this relationship but it was always you. You’ve given me the tools I needed to live a more connected life. You have given me a real opportunity to rid myself of the baggage I’d created and gave me a reason to shed the past. You my children are my angels here on earth walking ME through life. Please know that I am eternally grateful. I hope that in my efforts as a person, woman and mother that I have offered you something solid that you can build on and learn from.
I hope that each day I help to do my part in raising you into the men you were intended to be and I hope that in me you find comfort and support. I want you to know that you are truly loved. You should know that you are greatly appreciated for being nothing more than yourselves. As you grow through life never accept anyone who doesn’t provide you with the same level of appreciation or notice your value. Please without condition or compromise value and protect yourself at every moment. Share your gifts with the world and the people around you. They were put there for a reason. Live your life with great purpose.
Justin you have an infectious personality, an inspiring ambition and an effortless confidence. You must remain humble. Never take for granted that you have been blessed with the realization of your talents. You must be patient and generous to those who are still discovering theirs. Although things seem to come easy to you please do not forget that there is hard work and a great deal of responsibility that comes along with being great. Most importantly remember that your profession does not define you or your purpose.
Jayden, my sweet baby genius. The depth of your mind is beautiful. Always trust that. Never second guess yourself. You were built this way for a reason. The eyes that you use to see the world is so unique that you have the ability to create a desire and interest into living life differently. This is the most beautiful part of you. You sit and daydream about things and seem totally content in a world all your own. You march to the beat of your own drum in such a way that it draws people in your mysterious mind and creates a desire to understand more. This is an exquisite gift. You command the attention of those around you, use it wisely.
The things in which we marvel at are the core of your understanding. You don’t seem to have time for simple you need grandiose. You are perfect just as you are don’t change it. Embrace it fully. Stand tall in your truth.
My baby Max, you are sweet and precious. Although you are new to this world you already have sense of urgency about you to explore, and understand. You move quickly learning, growing and developing. I hope that you always keep your curiosity for life and always remain excited to learn and grow. I pray that you keep your spirit just as lively as it is today despite whatever circumstances surround you. Remember you how amazing you are and do not allow anyone to ever make you feel different. You are wonderful.
I need for each of you to make sure you always choose love first. Allow your actions, behaviors and decisions to fueled by love. I want you to know, understand, accept and really love yourself. Remember what you have inside of you is special and there is no one in the world who will be more special than you. You each have a unique set of gifts that make you extraordinary. Protect and honor them. Always share those gifts in the way that only you can. There are thousands of people in this world who might mirror your talents or share similar interests but there is no one who can deliver them quite like you. Choose to inspire people with the way you live. Keep an open mind and take every situation and use it. Use the good to help others. Use the bad to help yourself become better. Everything isn’t always going to be easy but have the courage to face it despite how hard it may seem.
Be patient with this life. Things don’t always come when and how you want them to but everything comes right on time and in the perfect way. I want you to recognize that there is a special rhythm to this life. There is a secret beat that you can listen to and dance along with the ups and downs. Don’t take things too seriously. Most importantly know that everything is always alright and just as it should be. There is never anything you cannot handle. Stay true to yourself and everything will fall into place.
Thank you for making my life perfect. Thank you for inspiring me. Thank you for teaching me what life is all about. I love you.
Mommy
xoxoxo
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Tag der Veröffentlichung: 28.03.2016
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