Having to Let my Dad Fly

There comes a day in everyone's life that I think changes them forever. July 19, 2011 was the day it happened to me. My dad was diagnosed with stage four bone cancer just two months and two days before July 19, 2011.

It was a very humid hot July day. My dad had only been in the hospice facility for four days. The day before a nurse had said that it was possible he could actually go home the day after he died.

Hospice is a facilty that helps teminally ill people feel comfortable in their darkest days. Also hospice offers counseling and other things to try to comfort the relatives and or friends to help get them through a very difficult trying time. And even after.

The day before... two things happened that I will always remeber and cherish. A gift of sorts to hold deep into my heart. I had ridden with my mom to Hopsice, and my mom and I were going to go to the grocery store to put a few things in the house in hopes of my dad actually coming home. (My mom is in poor health herself, and she alone needs help for simple things in life that others take for granted. Example pushing a grocery cart through a grocery store. She has had back and neck surgery. A large titanium plate is in her neck making turning her head hard, and once a few things gets into a grocery cart she is unable to actually push the cart through the store.) So at the time I was helping her do small errands, while she pushed herself also through this terrible nightmare.

But back to the point I was trying to make.

One gift that I received the day before my dad died was the sense of humor my parents shared together. Forty Eight years of marriage. They had been through things that I could only imagine in all those years. As a child a few times I witnessed my parents do this things that made me laugh. And now looking back on it I know it is a gift to have seen this happen again the evening before my dad died. I felt deep inside it was God's way of showing me the love my parents shared, and that through the worst days left together on this earth God still made it possible to show the sense of humor they had. The strength they had is actually a better way of saying this. I can't remember what my mom or dad had said, but whatever it was had made my dad stick his tongue out at my mom. I didn't know what to think for a second, then I looked to my mom and she smiled and stuck her tongue back out at him and a small chuckle came from my dad. It was then I remembered my parents had done this a few times during trying times through the years, and so it was very appropriate for God to have shown this to me. I remembered thinking Thank you God for showing me that. Anyone else may have thought that wasn't a big deal, but it in fact was to me.

Hospice tells you to listen, talk, and watch... that these ending days are Memory days. Make the most out of such a small time. So I did exactly that. I sat and watched and listened even when my dad had grown so weak he couldn't hardly speak above a whisper. I felt bad for re-asking him what he had said when I hadn't been able to make it out the first time. It was so difficult for him to speak.

The other gift that I received was also the evening before my dad passed away. Right before I was to leave with my mom, I walked to my dads bed and told him I loved him and that I would see him the following day. My dad had spoken but I didn't make it out. I had his hand in mine and I leaned in closer to ask again what he had said.

" I love all you girls. " he had as he held tighter to my hand. He hadn't let go immediately. I stood still for a second. My mom and dad have five girls and one boy. Two of my other sisters (maybe 3) were in the room). It came to me quickly. I asked anyone if they had heard what he said. In a moment like this so many thoughts are going through loved ones minds that when I looked to everyone it was quiet and I couldn't exactly read their expressions on their faces.

"He said he loved all of us girls." I said to the sisters that were in the room.

To think of this now still brings emotions bubbling up through my throat.

He had not said he loved just me back, he had sent a message he loved all of us. (on other days he had said "I love you to" this was different. This was memory time.)

"Dad we all love you too." I had replied to my dad and he had let go of my hand.. and also my sisters had said their "I love you to" when they realized (I think) what I was trying to tell them.

Right after my mom had went to him to tell him goodbye, and he didn't want my mom to leave. This is an even harder moment to remember. I rememebr one of my sisters saying "awe mom...he doesn't want you to go."

Now remember the nurse had told us that he would probably be going home the next day. Had we known what the next day would have brought I know things would have been different.

My mom held strength and said she would see him the next day, that we were going to the store to get some things for him for when he went back home. She kissed him and told him she loved him.

I hated leaving his room because I always looked back at him and wished I hadn't. It was hard to leave a dying dad.

*************************************************************************8


The next day my mom and I arrived at hospice. A nurse stopped my mom and said she didn't think he would be going home the next day. That things were different. I stood in question. Different??? So my mom and I walked into his room. He was laying in bed sleeping, actually snoring lightly. I actually thought he was getting some much needed rest (at first) ..

The longer I was there I started noticing he wouldn't fully wake, hadn't spoken, hadn't opened his eyes. A dreed had filled deep into my soul. Something definatley wasn't right. He made some movements and grimpised a couple of times, and he kept trying to throw his covers off.

(the air conditioning at hospice had stopped working, and I had repeatively tried to keep lowering that darn dial as low as it would go when I noticed the room was getting too warm.)

I remember sitting beside my mom beside my dads bed. Sisters arrived with their husbands throughout the day. My husband had even showed up unexpected but had left. More family was at hopice that day at one time than any of the other days.

I remember throughtout that day I had an abundunt heavyness in my heart. I remember sitting beside his bed (and this was the only time I had done this) tears just kept welling up in my eyes and falling down my checks. I couldn't stop them. Others were in the room and I held my head low in my hand for I didn't want others to see that I had gotten so emotional. Realizing I couldn't stop my tears that it was getting worse, ( I even had a weird sound that kept coming to my throat) I decided to go outside and try to get my composure.

I sat on a bench, that I had sat on that was located right outside my dads room. I smoked a cigarette and looked down yet again at the memory blocks that were lined as a curving sidewalk around the building. I don't recall any of the names on the blocks now.

The day was so hot and humid. Sweat had begun to slide down my temples and the back of my neck. I decided to straighten up and go back into the building. Family members were in the room and I decided to give them their time with dad. I had arrived before them and had, had time.

Things happened fast after that. I remember having an intense heavy heart and a terrible hyperventalating anxiety attack. I actually had went to the other side of the hospice building and asked for a brown bag to breath in. I couldn't catch my breath. I snuck into a bathroom I knew none of my family would go to (or so I had thought) and breathing in that brown bag trying to catch my breath. I was dizzy, nausous, and close to throwing up in the sink when my niece walked in. Embarrased she seen my state she had just nicely overlooked me and stated someone was looking for me. I shook my head and said "Thank you". "I will be out in a minute"

When I left the bathroom I overlooked the nurses concerned faces and headed in the wrong direction. I got lost and found a door that led outside. Fresh humid air engulfed my throat. I sat dwon on the nearest bench.

This a another thing that I will never forget, When I sat and was trying to get my breath the sun had went below the horizon and a very loud clamp of thunder vibrated the bench I was on and a strike of lightnig light the sky. I felt stuck to the bench. Rain began to pour. A very hard rainfall out of nowhere. Rain had started to come into the covered area I sat, but still I could not stand. I felt glued down to that bench.

The rain had let up and I pushed myself off the bench and headed back into the building. Lost I ended up walking down a corridor, and in a carnival fun house affect I seen a sister walking towards me through some other door leading to me. (The path I was on lead me to a door that opened up outside and about fifty feet away another door led to the next part of the building so hence the carnival funhouse effect..)

I met my sister outside, She had told me she was looking for me. She had hought I was in some distress. My mom had soon also came through the door. It was so weird. None of us knew that area was there. But three us of ended up there at the same time.

Now this is when things happen in slow motion for me. My mom had lit a cigarette, I was clutching this brwon bag (busting me of my weakenss)... lightinig was still lighting the darkend sky and I remember my sister and I were telling my mom we were afraid to get hit by the lightning. Then suddenly I just knew... Knew something terrible had happened. I saw another sister walking quickly towards us through that door, she had a neice and nephew in tow. I looked to my other sister and said something is wrong. Sure enough my sister busted through the door and these were her words.

"where is mom? "

I looked to my mom and headed in her dirrection.

"Mom ... dad.... come... mom, come on dad needs you"

A tingling, numb, shaky feeling creeped into my blood...

My mom took off into the door... a half cigarette burning on the ground...

My sister that had been standing with me swiftly followed behind my mom, and I was at the back of the line. I walked swiftly behind, trying to get there...

I just kept thinking " o no.... o no.... o no....

***********************************************************************************************8


We walked into my dads room. Silence...

"Mom he's gone..."

My oldest sister clung on to his hand.

What gone?

I looked to my dad. At first glance he looked to be sleeping silently.

I am not going to go further into the details EXCEPT... eight of us stood in the room.

Of course there were quiet muffled sounds.. One sister held onto my mom on one side of my dads bed, two sisters and a brother in law were on the other side of the bed, I was at the foot of my dads bed, and another sister and her husband were standing off by the door.

NO.....NO....NO....

This isn't real this can't be happening!!!!

Nooooooo!!!!!

My brain just could not handle the truth.

If I had just been in the room.... I would have been there....


The choking sound was in my throat again, I felt I couldn't breath, I leaned onto my dads bed, at his feet and began to pray the best I could in my head, through the eerie quiet, ... I prayed my dad into heaven. I prayed for forgiveness for not being in the room when he had passed.

I LITERALLY HAD A THOUGHT TO JUMP ON TOP OF HIS BED AND GIVE CPR ON HIM!!!!!!!!!!

NO recessitation was to be given to my dad.


******************************************************************************************8


It took three hours for the funeral home to arrive, they waited patiently for some last family members to arrive to say their goodbye's.

I got as close to my dad as I could, hugged him, held his head in my arms, kissed him and told him I loved him..... walked out of the room and stood...

I must call my husband. How could I speak of this to my husband. Words didn't want to form in my head, let alone my mouth...

I somehow called him, and when he answered I hadn't spoken right away... I remember finally saying

"We lost dad... come" and hung up.

I felt faint and sat crossleged outside my dads room on the floor of the Hospice facility and held my head in my hands, seeing flip flops, jym shoes, and dress shoes pass me by.

My husband arrived and I remember thinking "how are we all going to survive this grief?"

DAD... The rock of the family... Gone

I stood up and it was then I seen how so very small my mom had looked. I can't describe the hurt I felt for her. It would be impossible to put into words.

And so I write this memory to honor my dad. He was very strong. He hadn't spoken that last day.

And it was then I realized the gifts I received the day before...

"Memory time" still echoes in my ears a year later.

And so that day was a day I remember as Having to let my dad fly. That storm. Everytime I hear thunder, see lightning, and see the downpour of rain.... I think ......

That night the heavens had opened up and my dad had flown.


*******************************************************************************8


To my family: It has been such a difficult time this last year. The last few months has been the most difficult for me. It seems the shock has worn off and now I grieve. Mornings are the worst. I wake up and think of my mom. A widow. A word that I wish never had to exsist. I have become distant from my family these last few months. I have run... run from seeing in my mother's eyes the pain that reflects right back at me...

I love my sisters, brother, neices, nephews... Although I am not near ...each and everyone of you are on my mind everyday that I wake. I am just trying to grieve.

And especially to my mom... I am sorry...I broke...I have let you down...I love you and miss you very much!

Impressum

Texte: Terri Ann Collins
Tag der Veröffentlichung: 31.07.2012

Alle Rechte vorbehalten