~ TOY STORY ~

How did I get “here”?

"Have you ever gotten the feeling that you aren't completely embarrassed yet, but you glimpse tomorrow's embarrassment?"

~Tom Cruise


You’re probably wondering what “here” means. “Here” means standing in my front yard…it’s a beautiful, sunny Sunday evening, around 5:00 p.m. in Long Beach, CA…the “Promised Land”…the “Land of Paradise”. And most days, it is…today is no exception…or so I thought! Little did I know that this would turn out to be a life-changing day that I would never forget.

My beautiful, precocious 2-year old grandson, Marcus (for whom I am temporary caregiver due to dual-parent military deployment), is watching his idol, Jimmy Neutron (he calls him “Teutron”) on TV. I guess it’s a good time for me to go quench the thirst of my wilting plants out front, because in a minute, he’ll be hungry again (of course he’ll only want to eat Skittles).

I glance over at Marcus one last time before I head out into the beautiful southern California sunshine. He’s so mesmerized by “Teutron” that I don’t think he even knows I’ve left the room. I love that boy so much…he’s such a good boy!

The neighbors are all outside…watering their lawns, doing yard work…washing cars…chatting amongst themselves. I say “Hi” to Bill and Dixie across the street. They’re sweet, church-going people who add a special element to our neighborhood; they’ve been living here for a long time and can relate all the history involving this area.

Next door to them and directly across the street from me is Stacy, a single mom with 2 teenage boys; they’re doing yard work. On the other side of Bill and Dixie are Jean and Cory – very sweet couple – love hanging out with them, especially during football season. They’re washing their cars…just chillin’.

On the other side of Stacy lives Adam and his girlfriend, Monica; she moved here from Italy just last year. They’re a very cute couple and lots of fun.

Immediately next to them are Dave and Judi – he’s an HR specialist and she’s an employment law attorney; they are wonderful people and I love them dearly. (Don’t know what I’d do without them at times, like so many of my neighbors.) I wave to Judi, who’s standing on their front porch.

To my right, are Larry and Claudia and their teenage son, Shawn. They are a wonderful family…so incredibly nice. I know I could ask them for just about anything and they’d be there for me. They’re doing some yard work, too.

On my left are Bobby and Rachael …sweet newlyweds. When I was initially going through difficult, emotional times related to my divorce, they always offered a kind word or gesture, just like all of my neighbors, at a time when I needed it most.

Next to Bobby and Rachael is my friend, Joyce, who has been a vibrant source of inspiration to me. Farther down the street are the Bensons – Doug, Melanie, Jared and Sophie – great family, but more about them later (lots to tell there).

Hmm….I feel so serene and so blessed to be living in this wonderful neighborhood, surrounded by these amazing people. The rest of my street is filled with a collection of fabulous, incredible people…too many to name. I am confident that a better neighborhood does not exist anywhere in the world.

It’s hot…really hot. It’s so hot that the water seems to disappear as soon as it hits the leafs of the plants and flowers I am attempting to rejuvenate. Is that a breeze? Ahhhhhh….the cool mist that blows across my face from the water hose is truly delightful. I close my eyes and find myself suspended in time…enjoying the sights and the sounds of my neighborhood…and of my life.

It’s one of those moments that I will remember, always. I will be somewhere, one day years from now and remember this exact moment…the sounds…the smells…the way I feel, basking in the warm southern California sunshine…but wait!!!!!

“Serenity” shattered!!!

"Well-behaved women rarely make history."

~Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

Suddenly my front screen door swings open, shattering my serenity and my beloved Marcus comes barreling out. He’s excited and beaming from ear to ear. Nothing unusual for a 2-year old, right?

But wait…what’s that in his hand???? NOOOOOOO!!!!!!! He’s holding my bright red female “toy” (c’mon, you know what I mean…to him, it’s a “toy”…it’s my V-I-B-R-A-T-O-R)!!! Of course it’s turned on…humming away, bright lights flashing. “GRAMMA…BRRR…TOY!!!!!” he shrieks with pure delight. (Guess I REALLY am going to remember this moment in time, but for an entirely different reason!)

Wait…how did he find that? And how did he figure out how to turn on the sounds AND the lights??? (I can barely figure it out myself!) I thought it was nestled safely in my nightstand drawer (which is, coincidentally, within his reach).

Funny, the “How to Childproof Your Home” manual talks about things like safety gates, putting away dangerous substances and covering electrical outlets…but not one of those darn more-than-you-need-to-know books mentions anything about hiding your vibrator…imagine that! (I guess that should be my next project…writing an updated version of the “childproofing manual”. I know I’ll be sure to make mention of the importance of hiding your adult “toys”!)

I forgot I even had that thing. (It was a Valentine’s Day’s “gift” from my ex-husband…guess I missed that “get-yourself-right” message!) But of course, my 2-year old grandson would find it and show it to the whole neighborhood with reckless abandon!

And why did I have to choose those darn Energizer Bunny batteries? It wouldn’t have been quite so mind-blowing without the sound effects and flashing lights…darn thing just keeps going and going and going. Why - oh why - does it even have lights…who’s going to see them??? (Other than my entire neighborhood, of course!) Aarrggghhh!!!! Now I know what “shock and awe” means…and it has nothing to do with war.

Wanna get away???

"If you're going through hell, keep going."

~ Winston Churchill

How did I get here…in the middle of a commercial for Southwest Airlines…”wanna get away”? Heck, yeah I do…and the sooner, the better!

I immediately spin around in horror! Everything is moving in slow motion…oh my GAAWWWDDDD!!! The houses here are so close together….who’s looking?? I want to scream, but thankfully, my horror gets caught in my throat.

Maybe no one is seeing this…if I scream, everyone will surely look! It seems to take me forever to run those few steps to where Marcus has made it to the other side of the yard. But of course, before I can reach him, he thinks we’re playing a game and makes a break for it, running down the sidewalk, relentlessly yelling “Brrrrrrrrrr!!!” When did he start to run so fast?

Finally - after what seems like an eternity, I reach him! I grab the blinking, pulsing, red monstrosity out of his tight-fisted, little hand and shove it under my shirt. Of course my shirt is white, so anyone who is witnessing this horror can still see the bright, flashing lights. Lord knows I don’t know how to turn them off and now is definitely not the time to ask little “Mr. Innocent” - who turned them on – for helpful hints.

I take his hand…unable to communicate to him what is happening…heck, I barely understand it myself. As I turn to go back to the house, with my face as red as the pulsating beast nestled beneath my shirt, I can’t even fathom how I will ever show my face in this neighborhood again. Heaven knows that suddenly being a single “mother” instead of a married grandmother is hard enough...but this? Are you kidding me?

My eyes are fixated on my destination…the front door…but it seems so far away! I finally reach the house (after what seems like an hour), with a confused Marcus in tow and once inside, I freeze in the horror of what has just transpired.

After several attempts at pushing every single stinkin’ button on it, I figure out how to silence the red beast and douse the blinking lights before I toss it into its intended resting place. Funny…it looks so deceptively harmless right now…just laying there in the drawer, silent and dark.

Okay…in hindsight, I have to stop and wonder here…”why did I do that”? Unbeknownst to me, in just 2 short days, the red beast is going to rear its ugly “head” again…this time when I’m cooking dinner for a male “friend”. What is wrong with me, besides the obvious?

It was one of those moments in life when everything inside of you is screaming “stop it…why are you doing that?” but you just go ahead and do “it” anyway. For instance, it's like when you're vacuuming your carpet and you see that string hanging down from your bedspread. Your mind tells you to shut off the vacuum cleaner, get a scissors and cut off the string; but you don't…and the next thing you know, half of your bedspread is wrapped around the brushes of your vacuum cleaner.

Or when you’re washing your favorite wine glass while holding it at the bottom and the stem snaps right off the glass…and at that moment remembering that’s why there was only this one remaining from a set of four.
Know what I mean?

I couldn’t even pause long enough to turn off the water. That’s okay…my lawn really needs the water! No…really, it’s parched! I’ll go back out and turn it off later…much later…when it’s very dark outside, only because it REALLY needs the water. Besides…I’ve been neglecting my back yard (where no one can see me right now), so I’d better go water that. Yup…that’s what I’ll do.

Can we all just calm down???

"An hour with your grandchildren can make you feel young again. Anything longer than that and you start to age quickly."

~ Gene Perret

Finally I relax by mumbling to myself…”Can we all just calm down? No worries!” My wonderful neighbors probably didn’t even see what just happened. And if they did, so what? They all have full lives – they’ll have something else to talk about tomorrow and forget all about this. I am so lucky to live in a neighborhood where we all get along and respect each other AND each other’s privacy.

In a different neighborhood – with different people - months from now, they would be standing outside talking with friends or other neighbors and politely wave to me; then when I am out of earshot, would say: “she’s the one I was telling you about – the one with the red vibrator!” Without turning around or missing a step, I’d mumble to myself (well, maybe not entirely to “myself”) “yeah…what color is yours?”

Okay…I’m going through a divorce and closing in on the age of 50…and I have a red vibrator…so what? “Sex” doesn’t get much “safer” than that, does it?

Okay…I’m calm now…for the moment. (Of course, I was calm about 10 minutes ago before this happened and that didn’t last!) I stop and look at Marcus who is once again mesmerized by Jimmy Neutron.

I realize that I can’t really be mad at him…the “toy” looks like a shiny red missile and it does have blinking lights like something out of a Toy Story movie. And although I constantly tell him to stay out of drawers – especially those in Gramma’s room – I did leave him alone in the house for a whole 5 minutes! So, this travesty of justice is all my own fault…I can blame no one else (even though I want to so badly!).

Besides…if I did get upset and scold him, he’d just look up at me with those beautiful brown eyes and say “I love you, Gramma”…then what am I supposed to do? Or better still, he’ll conjure up some big old crocodile tears and when I ignore him, he’ll say “Gramma…I’m crying!” like he always does…as if I can’t see that!

Anyway…grandmothers aren’t supposed to dole out punishment…we’re supposed to dole out candy when their parents aren’t looking!

It is…what it is…what it is…

"It is strange but true that although we may have learned all sorts of important facts while raising our own children, when we become grandparents, we still tend to forget a whole lot of things we knew."

~Eda Le Shan

So what am I going to do about this? Absolutely nothing…what can I do? It is what it is. I’ll get a newspaper first thing tomorrow – bright and early - and begin my search for a new place to live. I’m really going to miss this neighborhood.

Suddenly exhausted by the day's events, I decide that watering the plants in the back yard can – and will have to – wait. I’m going to go to bed and hide my head under the covers. I tell Marcus that it’s time for “nite-nite” and he looks at me questioningly. “But Gramma…not dark yet…no bed…Teutron on”, he shrieks. I look at the clock…it’s only 6:30. “Haven’t you ever heard of daylight savings time?” I counter back. “We’re going to bed anyway…now nite-nite!”

Then it hits me that he hasn’t eaten dinner yet. “Oh Maaarcuuuus, you must be hungry...you’ve had such a busy day…here, have some Skittles before you turn in” I say, as I toss him a pack. He turns his head away from the television for one split second to snatch the bag of Skittles from midair, then returns his attention to his beloved "Teutron".

Okay…you’re thinking here that I’m a horrible, horrible Gramma and you’re probably right. But again...it is what it is. I’m not competing for any “Gramma of the Year Award” and I’ve had a rough day. Skittles are made from some kind of “fruit” (flavoring), I’m sure. I’ll make him a nutritious breakfast in the morning.

The “morning after”.

"I look forward to the day when I can look back on today and laugh."

~Author: unknown

Well, I awaken blissfully the next morning, thankful for another day, while momentarily forgetting what had happened the night before. I stretch my arms above my head and take a moment to give my “thanks” for being alive. Hey…I woke up…anything else is a bonus, right? And then it hit me, like a brick in the back of my head. Every sordid detail began replaying in my mind.

Maybe it was just a dream…maybe it didn’t really happen at all! “Hey…maybe if I hang around the house long enough, everyone will have left for work and I won’t have to mumble “good morning” as I try to avoid their knowing eyes. If anyone even smiles at me on this “morning after”, I’ll quickly jump to the conclusion that they did, indeed, see the whole sordid episode yesterday and are replaying it in their mind as they smile, wave and say “have a good day (vibrator girl)”, with just the slightest hint of pity in their voice.

“Come on Judy, I mumble to myself…pull yourself together…it’s not that bad! Get up and start your day as if nothing happened! Use the Power of Attraction…positive thoughts become positive things! Oh, I’m positive alright…positive that I have to move.”

So I lift myself out of bed and suddenly it hits me…I don’t think I ever went back out to turn the water off!!!! Great…now I’ve single-handedly worsened the California water shortage! That’s gonna be a nice water bill!

The "Epiphany"

e•piph•a•ny (ĭ-pĭf'ə-nē): a usually sudden manifestation or perception of the essential nature or meaning of something (2): an intuitive grasp of reality through something (as an event) usually simple and striking (3): an illuminating discovery, realization, or disclosure

I walk wearily toward the front door, open it and peek out, making sure no one is within eyesight (theirs or mine), before venturing outside to turn off the water. Splashing through the lake that was once my lawn, I can hear the "cha-ching" of the water company calculating my next bill. They’ll probably send me a letter of thanks.

I never did water the plants out back last night, so I headed out to my back yard. (I know you’re thinking “here we go again…she’s outside watering her plants!”) The sun was shining and I found myself once again revisiting last night's events. Then it struck me…THIS is something others can relate to (well, maybe not this exactly!) and THIS is a story that if told, can help others through similar trying times!

THIS is so timely right now…we are in the midst of a war and there are thousands of mothers and fathers deployed to the farthest corners of the world. And there are thousands of grandparents “Reporting for Doodie”! I have so many stories to share – happy stories, sad stories, and heartwarming stories. I’ve always wanted to write a book about something that could help people, entertain people, inspire people and just get people to stop and really think…THIS is what I should write a book about!

"It is only in the exceptional minds that we realize how wonderful are the commonest experiences of life. It seems to me sometimes that these experiences have an 'inner' side, as well as the outer side we normally perceive. At such moments one suddenly sees everything with new eyes; one feels on the brink of some great revelation. It is as if we caught a glimpse of some incredibly beautiful world that lies silently about us all the time."

~ J. W. N. Sullivan

The magnitude of my epiphany was instantaneous and overwhelming. It became crystal clear to me that every single thing that had happened in my life – good and bad - had brought me to this moment in time, where I stood in awe. A million “what if’s” began racing through my mind.

The memories of both the uplifting and challenging times that I had been experiencing were building up inside me…I was ready to burst! My mind just reeled at all the circumstances that had brought me to this place in my life. I began tracing my life backwards in my mind and putting 2 and 2 and 2 and a million 2’s together! That’s why “that” happened…that’s why “this” happened…this moment, right now, is why EVERYTHING happened the way it did…now it all makes sense!

My divorce…Marcus coming to stay with me…having to care for him all by myself, yes…even the vibrator incident…everything had happened in the perfect, pre-designated order to bring me to this wonderful place! I had mistakenly been feeling embarrassment, shame, insecurity…but those feelings were instantaneously and miraculously replaced with those of exhilarating excitement, joyfulness…and most importantly, thankfulness.

In that moment, I realized that everything that had happened and everything that is going to happen is all part of the master plan of my life and I stood ready to take on any challenge…with gratitude.

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, "I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along."

~ Eleanor Roosevelt

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Tag der Veröffentlichung: 09.01.2010

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